Commentary and Philosophy Non-Fiction posted January 10, 2012

This work has reached the exceptional level
A rambling rant on raving rascals...

The Lady Doth Protest too Much

by JBCaine

I protest!

I protest protesters!

Am I the only one who’s noticed that the common thread among those who insist on invoking their First Amendment rights is that they are annoyingly close to forcing the rest of us to exercise our Second Amendment rights?

Now before you flame me, tar-and-feather me, burn me in Effigy (wherever that is), and then run me out of Effigy on a rail, let me be very clear. I fully support the First amendment and EVERYONE’s right to assemble, even those with whom I do not agree. That would be most all of them.

In that spirit of fellowship, I am quite sure that you will understand and support, whether you agree with me or not, my protest against protesters in general.

Surely I am not alone in seeing the trend in nearly all protests. Regardless of the cause, the rightness, wrongness, or just plain old everyday stupidity of it, the bulk of protesters seem to come from some other planet. Perhaps they are specially bred in some wacko-lab somewhere, rather like the good Colonel’s scientifically created not-so-much-chickens. Those “chickens” are grown (according to my son’s Science teacher) in these secret labs somewhere with at least six breasts, twelve legs, 8 thighs, and 50,000 wings (maybe that’s the lab-grown buffalo).  Is it not just as feasible that protesters are grown in the same lab as the people who are so often caught Jay-walking? Bred to grow overloud voices, and with just enough brainpower to arrive at the appointed location, carry a sign, chant unintelligibly, and complain endlessly, they appear, to those of us who actually have to go to work each day, to be incapable of living productive lives.

Just as it is true that not all chickens are grown in these labs, neither are all protesters. However, it would seem to me that, while the organizers of the various and sundry protests may or may not have been genetically altered, there is just something not quite right about the average sign-bearer, chanter, gripe-flinger, or militant ne’er-do-well.

I can see you, you old hippie, sitting up on the edge of your rocking chair, stubbing out your joint in a state of near thrombosis.  Mellow out, Dude, I’m about to put you at ease. Don’t get yer bonytail in a twist (unless that’s the way you usually wear it). Let me repeat, I’m all for peaceful protest. It is one of the greatest things about America, and the small handful of other countries where it is actually allowed. Protesting in countries where it is not allowed is a whole new ballgame, and takes both some serious conviction and immeasurable courage. I’m only casting aspersions upon American wackos, ok? Take another hit and I’ll try to use small words.

I’m not talking about the act of protesting. I’m talking about the general mindset of the protester. And I don’t discern between ideologies, either.  There is a common mindset that spurs an individual to join a group of like-minded people and pick up a sign, a bullhorn, or a giant voodoo doll of the person against whom the group is in protest, and trudge along, ready to fight to the death any and all opposition.

And that, in essence, is the protest I detest.  The one wherein the protester completely negates their stated objective by their very actions.  I still feel some of you out there, reading this and dialing 1-800-HITMANN. Put down your phone, take yet another big ol’ toke, and let me give you some examples.

First, one on which almost everyone can agree. If you go to the Westboro church, you should take another hit of whatever you folks take, and stop reading now. This group has a belief system (also constitutionally protected), that has about as much to do with Christianity as the writings of Karl Marx. I fully support their right to believe what they choose to, and even their right to protest. However, in the Bible I studied for years and years, it says God hates sin, but as the Father of all, loves all His children. Gay, straight, whatever. So what is it that “inspires” them to march around, at the absolutely most inappropriate of events (funerals, in particular), carrying signs stating that God Hates Fags? Perhaps they should try reading 1 John 4:8 sometime, and maybe readjust. To extrapolate from the belief that homosexuality is a sin to the idea that a soldier died due to the military policy of the day? That concept could only have come from the wacko-lab.

How about this next group?  I suppose there is a group of them in every big city, but I am only familiar with the ones in San Francisco. Critical Mass, I think they call themselves, but people who would like to get home to their families call them Massholes. This is a group of Urbatopian better-than-yous who get on their monthly cycles cycles monthly, and block all the traffic downtown at rush hour. Nice. The point would be made quite well if they rode their bikes through downtown, merely disrupting traffic temporarily. But that isn’t good enough. No, they feel the need to block off as many streets as they can, and then just stay there. Poor pity the uninitiated who dare to attempt to inch their car forward. The Massholes have been known to shove their bikes under the wheels of creeping vehicles and then scream bloody murder, while terrorizing soccer moms and their young children, scratching and denting their cars, breaking their windows, and blaming the vehicular eco-wreckers (who would have been home by then, not burning fossil fuel, if not for these miscreants who can’t afford cars). Definitely grown in the wacko-lab.

Just a couple more, and you can flame away.  Let’s go with the Peace protester.  This is a right and privilege of every American. Who doesn’t want peace?  Soldiers want peace, I can promise you that. Again, regardless of my opinion on the concept, any nobility in the idea goes out the window when the protesters decide that “peace at any cost” is an acceptable option to put on the table. One would be somewhat dim not to wish for, to strive, even, for peace.  On the night of March 18th, 2009, the eve of the 6th anniversary of the war in Iraq, a group of persons wearing masks smashed the windows and splattered red paint at the U.S. Marine Corps Recruiting Center in Berkeley, California. This action negates any concept of peaceful protest. It was, of course, a minor incident, nobody was hurt. But if only the security cameras could have followed these folks back to the wacko-lab, we could have had an end to these problems by now.

Now I know you thought I was going to go with the “Occupy Wall Street” thing, but that is just too obvious a target. No, no, and… no. Speaking of Target, let’s pop over there. Take a look (but do not stare too intently) at this bunch of boobs. Trust me on this one, these women want to be seen, and not looked at. I’m a true fan of the breastfeeding. 
If Dolly Parton was my mommy, I’d still be on an all-natural diet. I’m mostly serious here. Honestly, who is not for this? It’s as natural as urinating in the bushes, and yet, just about as awkward to encounter unexpectedly while out shopping for Brain-Bleach or whatever.  Once again I ask, what inspires these women to gather all the nursing moms they can find to stage a feed-in? Having had a run-in with the local branch of La Leche, I can attest that this behavior is not that of normal, sane people. These are militant moms sticking their chests out, forcing unwitting shoppers who just stepped out for a gallon of milk to watch. Natural? Absolutely.  When it’s time, it’s time, I get it. But seriously, eleven nursing moms sitting abreast at the same time and place? A 22-gun salute at Target? Someone get these women an anti-gape drape. Discretion, in this case, would truly be the better part of valor. Even without four breasts, these are obvious creations of the wacko-lab.

It’s not the protests I find abhorrent. It is just some of the protesters. Regardless of one’s ideology, the Great Cause for which one is being paid to protest, all that is good and right about protesting falls by the wayside when the protesters become hypocrites, thugs, vandals, and exhibitionists. Lefty, Righty, Minority, or Martyr Wannabe, when groups cross the line of what is decent and right, they become ridiculous at best. At its worst, they become the enemy of their own cause.

We must find the wacko-lab and destroy it.  Then you old Hippies can go back to the days of reasonable, psychedelic sit-ins.

That would be copacetic, Man.


The story of my run-in with La Leche is called "The Milk of Human Kindness." It pays nothing, but it's hilarious. And mostly true (I never embellish, I've told you a million times). I made both the La Leche folks and myself much nicer than the actual scenario.

This rant is just for fun. I thought about just re-posting the other one, given recent news, but whatever. It's a new year, and I felt like starting off with a hoot, so to speak.

BTW, does anyone know the "proper" spelling of 'copacetic'?
I would say, "Peace" right here, but that would feel like stealing.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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