The hours slip away from me, and I sometimes can't distinguish between the real and the virtual anymore. Melancholy sets in too, as I realize just how unimportant I really am, and how little I would be missed if I were suddenly gone. People say "I love you". They say they care. But do they? Some maybe. Most, nah. So, I stay inside myself most of the time, existing in a tiny bubble of dreams and fantasies. Of wishing it were yesterday, and that I could know then, what I think that I know now.

I live and travel via cyber-space. I do not; I cannot, live my life for real. I stay here, like the prisoner that I am, and always will be, watching the world go by. I have wasted my life. Don't waste yours. Let the world be your oyster. And save the pearls for a rainy day.

Tonight, I went around and stopped to covet beautiful housewares, lamps, and furniture so grand it is fit for a king. I sin, because I covet. I desire. I want. And I cannot have. So, I pout. And feel sorry for myself. Not good. But I am me, and that's how I am. I get over it quickly. Strife gets in the way of daydreams. Live your life without it if you can. I cannot. I am not allowed.

YouTube is a place for peeking in on the odd nature of fellow human beings and how they act. I went for a walk through a nature park, where irresponsible people had set the woods ablaze, then laughed about it. Why? I can't answer that. It's unfathomable to me. I'm not God. Only He may know. But does He care? I wonder about that. And I don't know. My mind is too small to know.

So, I back away from the ugly and go to the mountains in Virginia, where I wish I could join the ones there on a trail ride through the Shenandoahs. So breathtakingly beautiful, it hurts me that I cannot live near such a place. The sound of the horse's hooves as they carry the riders along is comforting; the silence above the mountains is intoxicating. And I do not want to leave. But I go ... away.

A macaw screams in alarm as I go to the jungles in South America to search for an elusive butterfly, a blue butterfly said to be endangered. I cannot pronounce it's name, so I call it simply, flutter-bye. In its flight of fancy, I seek inspiration to keep on living. And it works. Butterflies have a way of stealing your soul away for a quick ride upon their wings.

Indelible, almost invisible, but palatable, is hatred too. I hate, hate. I hate being a hypocrite too. But I am one. Sad, it's also hard--wired in us. We can only try to stamp it out. And keep trying. But how can we, when the bodies keep stacking up? When the all powerful keep killing, killing, killing. I hate killing. It is a symptom of hate. Or is hate a symptom of killing? God, if He really exists, is the only one who knows the answer to that one too. Tears well up because I know hate will never die. Never. But we have to keep trying to kill hate. There's that word again. Kill. See? We have to kill something all the time. We are human beings. It's in our DNA. Sad.

I want to be God for just one day. I wouldn't allow people to make choices. I'd fix this mess. Because people are incapable. We don't want it badly enough. We think we can smile at only those we love and we will go to Heaven. It surely doesn't work that way. As for me? I will be missed. Oh yes. Who would the ones who hate me, harass? What on earth would they do with themselves? And yes, oh yes. The one I brought into the world, the one I gave life to, the one who is still connected to me with that proverbial umbilical cord would miss me, if I were gone. Oh, I would love to stay behind the firewall of my virtual world, but that's not living.

I have to peek out into reality once in a while. Because when my son, forever my little boy, came into this big old world ... he gave my life to me.