Humor Poetry posted September 26, 2011

This work has reached the exceptional level
Malted barley soaked in Scottish waaaters.

Tae the Amber Fluid.

by alexgardiner

listen to this poem as you read. click the wee wee arrow below next to the wee lude speekir graphic

Life's elixir is a wee dram o' amber fluid in a glass,
nae ither liquid in this wurld haes sic blidy class.
This regal liquid wae its golden sheen,
hypnotises aw wae its exotic smell supreme.

Malted barley soaked in Scottish waaaters,
fur aw Scot's Bonny sons an dochters.
An elixir o' life fur health reasons please find.
for it permeates aw tired bodies and minds.

Whin a wis a wee boy a blidy lang time ago,
a watched ma faither hae a sip, his face wis aw aglow.
He wid hae a wee bonny smile oan his auld tired mug,
ah wid look up at ma Da' an' gei his airm a wee tug.

Ma Da' wid smile doon at this wee lad, wae a smile that said,
no fur you ma bonny boy it's time fur you tae bed.
Aw a kid think, wis whin ah grow up tae be a man,
a'll hae a wee dram o' tha' amber fluid an' no jist because ah can.

No jist a wee gless wae golden stuff tae drink,
but a gless o' amber magic tae help me see an' think.
Tae haud that wee gless up tae the light tae see,
ah kaleidoscope o' guid things that maks that amber be.

A'll be passionate an' swear by tha' amber fuwlled glass,
an', an' tell a'bidy's aboot whit maks it blidy furst class.
Scots an Canadians, caw this amber fluid Whisky,
Americans an' Irish say Whiskey, which is a lote o' blidy blarney.

A guid nicht fur me would be a couple drams o' Laphroaig
oany mair than twa drams an' ye'll develop a Scoatish brogue.
Sae noo that ah hiv telt yea aboot this elixir o' life,
be careful oanly twa glesses, oany mair an' ye'll be in strife.

Sae noo yea ken why this Auld Yin's a'ways a happy lad,
wae a dozen bootles o' Laphroaig ah hiv' , am oaf ma heidie glad :)
A wee fire, a wee dram an' yea couldnae mak me budge.
niver drink too much tho', an' am a'ways jober as a blidy sudge.

The Auld Yin.


Listen to this poem as you read. Click the wee wee arrow next to the wee lude speekir graphic above the picture of the 'Wee gless of whisky'.

If it does not work you may need to download 'Quick Time Player' from the Internet. it is a free download.
I use the Scottish vernacular in 90% of my poems.

The musical sounds and twists of the Scottish words used famously by 'Robert Burns', gives colour and with a little imagination and patience from the reader, makes for a experience in poetry which differs from the usual.
They say the English language is hard to master. Here all you need as I have mentioned is patience of mind and no preconceived ideas as to what is normal.

I have been told recently my humour is of the bathroom type and very much disliked.However, I won't let the misery of a few others get me down. I do say that humour to me is everyday life and I will never apologize for trying to make people laugh.

I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the world.
Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)

I know that some still cannot get used to the idea of this vernacular. I do apologize, however if I do not use this dialect there would be no point in me writing at all. It is different I know but there is enough beautiful 'English' poems on FanStory that it should not matter. So, as it gives me great deal of pleasure I hope you do not mind me carrying on with this style. Thank you:) :) :): :)

A wee sample o' Scoatish vernacular.

Anither = another
Amber Fluid = Whisky
Amung = among
Beryl = Frustration
Breed = Bread
Bonny Lass = means, gentle, luvin' an' a carin' lass. so called beauty is only skin deep. (Tell that tae Miranda Kerr. Oh! My)
Banshees or Ghouls = Folks that dinny like ma vernacular:)
Bile = boil, could be bile as in sickly sick
Biopsy = a stupid idea
Blidy Nora = Scottish exclamation!!!! Means Blidy Nora!!!
Bum crack = The part that fits into a bicycle seat.
Bum.. Erse as in joak.bottom.sittin' flaps.rear end....posterior
Bahookie = Bum as in erse
Breeth = Breath
Boobs = If yea dinny ken am no gonna tell yea:(
Brammer = Great, fanstastic, best ever
Claes = Clothes
Cawed = called
Courin' = Cowering
Doaktur = Doctor
Erection = jings iverybidy kens whit that means:(
Echie = Eucalyptus tree
Fekin = Non articulate rude adjective used mainly by big silly buggers
Flair = Floor
Furst = first
Fart =.Fart if quiet
Farrrrt. = Fart loud,you have to role your r r r,s farrrrrrrrt
Fash.. Don't get excited. .dinny fash yersel lassy!
Guile = tae be a wee bit crafty. ( No a didnae find oany change in yer pockets hingin' up yer troos.)
Gawin' = Going
Glaekit = adj. of lesser intelligence, slow on the uptake. Anyone not from Edinburgh
Gramer = Grammar......whit iver that means,, used by The Auld Yin sumtimes whin stoatin' drunk.. Shat yer mooth wummin' am as jober as a Sudge:
Gawp =to stare open-mouthed 'Whit are ye gawpin' at, hen? Never seen a willie afore?'
Hudders = Holders
Humungus = Enormous, larger than a Scottish summer.
Hert = Heart
Hen = woman. Arrrr' yea ben the hoose hen?
Hielan' = Highland
He-Haws = Wee dangly bits. Family jewels.
Jings = Oh dear!! Oh Bugger! Aw naw!!
Koi = Japanese Carp
Knackered = bawless..(Hey Jimmy it wid freeze the baws oaf a brass monkey.)
Lude = loud
Laphroaig = The best blidy whisky munny kin buy.
Matoon = Urban centre in which mahoose is situated;
Mahoose = My House
Mingin' = Smelly.Jings you feet are mingin'
Mullian = million, canny be that hard tae unnerston'
Muckle = very large, blidy big, no blidy wee.( Jings jimmys gote muckle He -Haws!)
Nouse = To know
Oaf = off
Ofay = to know
Peep = wee look, Could be , 'whay dae yea think yer peepin' yer horn at ya stupid wally'
Pronoonced = Pronounced
Peekit = Off colour'.pinched face..yea look Peekit hen, are yea a wee bit tired?
Proapur Punkchewation = Proper Punctuation.
Pawky = Shy, introverted, sad face,or sly dry Scottish wit
Roamin' = Roaming = overseas connection for your mobile phone. Or ('Roamin' in the gloamin' wae a lassy by ma side'.
Reek = Smell = Edinburgh used to be called 'Auld Reekie'.
Stoory = Cloth eared folks wae nae imagination
Stoaped = stopped
Sic = such ( sic a tiny wee thingie) Even wee-er whin it's very cold.
Stie = Stay
Scoatish = Summer'Whin the sun cums oot..Furst an' second July.
Scoatish Indian Summer = Whin the sun cums oot mair than three times in a row.
Scoatish Lang summer =A fenominum'In yer dreams Jimmy.
Scunnered = Sick fed up, Scunnered landscape. Barren
Shite =Polite Scottish description, a compliment. Similar to cow dung
Stoor = Dust
Sair = sore
Sleekit = underhanded, sneaky 'Ah wouldnae trust yon sleekit wee bugger wi' the ship's cat'
Troos'. =.short shorts worn under the kilt, for the purpose of not scaring the public.
Tatties = Potatoes
Unnerstondin' = understanding
Watter = Water
Waater = Lots of Water
Waaaaaaater = Muckle ( humungus) lots of water
Willie = From a laddie's thingie. 'Hey, Jeannie! The wind lifted yon sojer's kilt an Ah seen his willie.
Wee calf =Small coo, or anither wurd fur a weeks holiday.
Wee shite = Used by joak as a Scottish endearment to The Auld Yin.
Twa wee calfs = A fortnights holiday.
Wisnae wearin' the troos. Muckle willie it wis, tae. Must be frae Edinburgh!'
Wance = Once (Listen carefully I will tell you this only once)
Wheeshed = Be Quiet. ( Hud yer wheeshed or a wull lam yer bum)
Wurd = word

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