Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open

If you’ve seen one Chuck Norris film, you can say with confidence that you’ve seen all thirty of them.  The titles of the movies may be different, and the character names and settings vary from film to film, but the plot, conflict, and resolution are identical in each movie.  

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of his head

For those readers who have never heard of Chuck Norris, or been fortunate enough not to have suffered through one of his world-saving action flicks, he is an American martial arts artist, a movie and TV actor, and an infomercial pitch man for an expensive at-home gym system.  Born Carlos Ray Norris, he was teased by classmates for his Irish-Cherokee heritage, his shyness, and his nonathletic abilities. He mentions in his autobiography that he spent much of his childhood dreaming of beating up all the kids who bullied him. At eighteen, he joined the Air Force, was given the name Chuck, and became involved in martial arts.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip

From one of the first movies to feature Norris as the star, 1978’s Good Men Wear Black, to the 2005 direct to video release, The Cutter, Chuck Norris plays the nice guy who faces impossible odds and the most vicious of adversaries to save the community.  No matter the setting—Hong Kong, Vietnam, Las Vegas, Texas, or Chicago—there is always a huge fight scene in which Norris single-handedly defeats the bad guys. In many of his movies, there’s a beautiful lady involved who seeks his help to find the murderer of her husband-father-brother-child-or dearly beloved friend.  Of course, Chuck always finds the villain and gets the love of the leading lady as his reward.  Oh blah!

Chuck Norris doesn’t need a laxative. He scares the poo out of himself

For eight long tedious seasons, Norris starred as Walker, Texas Ranger. Watching this TV show was like watching a Norris movie every week. As with his films, the weekly episode ended with Norris performing one of his famous roundhouse kicks to the villain’s face. Naturally, the fierce power of just one of his kicks does the bad guy in, and he falls down the stairs, off a roof, through a window, or off a mountain. Needless to say, the shot of Norris kicking his enemy is shown again and again from different angles, and of course in slow motion.

Many people wear Superman Pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas

If you have to own a DVD of Chuck Norris, just buy one—it doesn’t matter which one—and you can honestly say you own the whole collection of his action movies. I really don’t despise Chuck Norris movies, but if given a choice, I’d rather have my eyes super-glued shut.

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be Chucktober, and every day he’d kick your ass