Biographical Non-Fiction posted March 17, 2009 Chapters:  ...51 52 -53- 54... 

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Valerie learns Dr. P will no longer be her doctor.

A chapter in the book A Leaf on the Wind

Changing of the Guard

by Sasha

Sexually abused as a child, Valerie grows into an adult with severe psychological problems. She sees a psychiatrist twice a week but problems with her children prove to be far more difficult to handl

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Reinhold Niebuhr

I insisted Tina speak with a counselor, but she refused. I tried to get Richard to back me up, but he he still felt Tina was fine. 

"I've told you a hundred times, if she wants to talk, she knows I'm here for her." 

It was hopeless. The frustration I felt not being able to do anything but hope Tina would come to her senses, filled me with paralyzing guilt and anger. 

Dr. P was concerned about my mental state and wanted to readmit me back into the hospital but I declined. 

“No more hospitals,” I told him firmly. 

“The situation with Tina has been traumatic and I am seriously concerned about the effect this is having on you.” 

Dr P  continued, saying,  “You are not being rational. I understand your anger but you are obsessing beyond normalcy.” 

“You don’t understand,” I said. “Once I had a wonderful, close and loving relationship with Tina. Now she looks at me as though I am her worst enemy. We fight all the time. She blames me for everything. She hates my boyfriends and she refuses to do what I ask her to do. She says I am driving her crazy with all my rules.  She won't go to a counselor and refuses to talk to me.  Even Sarah goes out of her way to defy me.” 

“Valerie, they are teenagers, that’s what they do,” Dr P counseled. 

“They rebel by fighting parental authority. They are trying to find their place in life, and right now, it doesn’t include you. Yelling at her every time you have a disagreement does not help. You are making it worse.” 

“I don’t know what else to do,” I confessed humbly. 

“You have to learn to control your temper.” 

Dr. P suddenly changed the subject. 

“How are you sleeping? Are you still having nightmares?” 

“I don’t sleep much and when I do, the nightmares are worse,” I remarked. 

“Tell me about them.” 

“They are always the same.”  I explained. “I relive the abuse but in greater detail. Sometimes my family is in the room cheering and laughing as Daddy rapes me. I wake up soaked in sweat and terrified. Sometimes I lie in bed shaking for hours before finally falling asleep, only to have the same nightmare again.” 

I hesitated for a moment, debating whether to tell him I had begun experiencing gaps in time again. Just a few months ago, my life seemed to be finally becoming what I had longed for. My days were filled with contentment and I was at peace with my past. However, learning about Tina’s horrific experience had opened up all the old wounds. I was losing control over everything around me. Things that once gave me pleasure no longer interested me. I seldom cleaned the house, and I hadn’t mowed the lawn or weeded the garden for weeks. 

Sometimes I would be sitting in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee and having a cigarette and the next, I would be in the dressing room at Nordstrom Department store trying on a $300 dress. 

Against Dr. P’s wishes, I got a job as a secretary and the cycle of obsessive perfection began all over again. I would arrive at work at six am and often stay until well after eight pm leaving the girls home alone to fend for themselves. Sometimes I would be sitting at my desk at two in the afternoon typing a letter then, suddenly find myself sitting in a bar at eleven at night. 

“Dr. P, I have started to lose time again,” I confessed. “What frightens me most, is I am doing things I normally would not do.” 

“Tell me abut it,” he said encouragingly. 

“The other night I found myself in a very expensive hotel room in downtown Seattle,” I said. “A nice looking man was sitting on the bed beneath the covers watching me get dressed. I was putting on a very expensive dress I had never seen before. Before I left, he handed me two-hundred-dollar bills that I put into a purse that probably cost as much as the dress. Now it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what the money was for.” 

“How does this make you feel?” Dr P asked. 

“The strange thing is, I felt both ashamed and proud,” I replied. 

“Ashamed that I would do something so disgusting, but proud that someone thought I was worth $200.” 

“Valerie, I am concerned that the stress of your job and your relationship with Tina are causing you to relapse,” Dr P observed. “I still think you need to go back into the hospital for a reevaluation.” 

My answer was an unequivocal, “No.” 

“I think you are making a big mistake,” Dr P advised. 

“Maybe, but it’s a chance I am willing to take,” I said. 

At the end of the session Dr P. informed me he would no longer be my doctor. He had accepted a new job, and in a few weeks would be moving out of state. He said his replacement would be a doctor who specialized in Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorders. 

“I thought we decided I don't have multiple personality disorder?” I said. 

“I am not suggesting you do,” Dr P remarked. “I am simply saying Dr. L. is more informed about DID  and BPD than I am.” 

I was devastated. Dr. P had been my rock of Gibraltar for nearly three years and the thought of starting all over with a new doctor frightened me. I left Dr. P’s office feeling lost and completely alone. All my hard work had just been erased.

Earned A Seal Of Quality

Change is difficlt for Valerie. Having no control of her life during her childhood, has caused her to desprately need to exert control in her adult life. However, unable to deal with the unexpected continues to frustrate and add stress to her already stress filled life.
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