Fantasy Fiction posted January 10, 2009

This work has reached the exceptional level
Be careful how you connect the dots

Connector of Dots

by Rdfrdmom2

A special thanks to Carolisa for her great art work.

Dear Connector of Dots:


I think my wife is cheating on me. I found a pair of shoes under my bed, and they don’t belong to me. She also recently changed her hair style and joined a health club. She refuses to sleep with me and insists I move my mother out of our house. Should I hire a private detective to follow her, should I confront her, or should I just pretend I don’t suspect her?


Helpless in Harrisburg


Dear Helpless in Harrisburg:


You were so wise to contact me prior to jumping to any major conclusions, although I suspect you could use the exercise. Being mashed flat by a steamroller in bed (or anywhere else) is not exactly conducive to great sex. Could it be your wife is also Helpless in Harrisburg and has gained weight due to your mother’s Italian cooking? Instead of complaining to you or insulting your mother by eating smaller portions, she probably joined the Health Club to maintain the girlish figure with which you first fell in love. I bet she asked you to go with her but it interfered with your round-the-clock watching of ESPN.


The shoes did bother me a bit until I investigated the return address on your letter. All the places on that street are one bedroom studio apartments. Why didn’t you say your mom not only lives with you, she sleeps with your wife and you as there’s nowhere else for her? Not only is your wife not having sex with you in that bed, you idiot, no one is having sex in it. Those shoes you don’t recognize are your mom’s size 10 Easy Spirits. Old feet just can’t take those pointed toes and heels. They are ready for comfort by that time in life. Trust me: I have five pair of my own.


Do yourself a favor. Use the money you were going to spend on a private detective and get yourself some eyeglasses before you make a spectacle of yourself, my friend. That new hair style belongs to your French Poodle, not your wife.


After connecting these dots, I fear you’re going to come up a great big zero unless you do the following:


1.     Kick your mom out

2.     Join the health club

3.     Buy some glasses

4.     Wine and dine your wife

5.     Stop whining 


Most sincerely,

Connector of Dots


This was great fun. I was taught in therapy to be particularly careful how I connect the dots before I took the time to investigate things properly. Hope you enjoy. Thanks for reading.
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