Satire Fiction posted December 10, 2008

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A New Religion

by JBCaine

As we move from a generally Judeo-Christian society to a generally more secular lifestyle, I see people searching for something to replace their religions. Some object worthy of their adoration and devotion.

For years it was Television, but that's finally gotten so bad that many have gone seeking a new god yet again.

Mother Earth, Yoga, Rastafarianism (tried that one myself for awhile, Mon, but I got hungry and paranoid), EST, Scientology, Pilates, Major League Baseball.

Don't misunderstand; I do not seek to demean any faith. Each has it merits, and each still has its devotees. One or all of them may be right, but each is lacking something that has left some of its followers unfulfilled.

Now, a new religion has begun to gain popularity among those seeking enlightenment.


I hear you snickering, but think about it. Coffee is the new religion, caffeine the new god.

I see the faithful lined up every morning at the altar for communion. I see new houses of worship popping up all over the place. Soon the entire world will look like the Deep South, a church on every corner, and maybe two or three in between.

As they wait to worship, I see the different levels of belief. You can tell the level of devotion by what they order.

The True Believer, seeking a spiritual high, will always go for the purest dose of enlightenment. The 6-shot espresso drink, or the extra-large black coffee, maybe with a couple of extra shots for clarity.

There are those who want the rest of us to think they believe, but I hear them ordering decaf  quietly, so no one can hear, and then walking out as if they were getting caffeinated, like people who go to church on Sunday, but who are secretly having an affair with their secretary.

There are those who flaunt their newfound faith, ordering the quadruple shot caramel fluff with 4 pumps of vanilla syrup, extra hot, non-fat, double whipped cream, and please, please, add just a touch of mint and cinnamon to the mix. Blasphemers! Like the church ladies with their fancy hats, they are there to be seen, not for the pure sake of worship. They secretly drink 7-Eleven coffee when no one is looking.

There are the elitist worshippers, who drink only the finest espresso, seeking to know the very essence of their god, disdaining those mere mortals who sully their own understanding of the Truth by adulterating it with any unclean substance, water, cream, whatever. Any additive is, to these purists, nothing short of sacrilege. These are the High Priests of Coffee. They would never go to 7-Eleven, and would never even go to a different house of worship. They are devoted, and proselytize their particular brand of religion to any who will listen. Soon, they will start going door-to-door, or passing out espresso shots at the airports.

There is even a type of coffee, selling for hundreds of Dollars per pound, made from beans eaten and excreted by Civets. If that's not fanaticism, Rush Limbaugh is a Democrat. If you saw the movie, "The Bucket List," the Kopi Luwak was Edward's favorite, and a source of amusement to Carter throughout.

To each his own, as they say. I hold no one in judgment. That's not my place. Whatever your personal beliefs, enjoy them in moderation, and please, don't try to push them onto the rest of us. Otherwise, people won't see you as enlightened, just full of it.


No offense intended to anyone of any faith. It's just a satirical look at the coffee crowd, of which I am a member.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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