| Satire Fiction posted June 7, 2025 | Chapters: |
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Milton and Rosie's first date
A chapter in the book Milton vs the HOA
Milton vs the HOA - Chapter 18
by Jim Wile
| Background A meek accountant moves into the HOA from hell. |
Recap of Chapter 17: Milton and Esme don bathing suits and visit the “community” pool, where they find Dorothy Clodfelter and Penny Smalls enjoying it by themselves. A newly-confident Milton proffers to Dorothy the petition signed by the community for her to call the meeting to replace herself and Penny, which, of course, she refuses to take. Milton, however, tells her that he will call the meeting in her stead and that they must abide by the results, citing the rules in the Bylaws of the HOA.
After Dorothy’s repeated insults to Milton, Esme provides some hilarity by doing a cannonball into the pool and giving Dorothy and Penny a well-earned drenching. They quickly retreat to Dorothy’s house to discuss this untenable situation. A triumphant Milton and Esme celebrate their success in the pool.
Chapter 18
Milton experienced a wide variety of emotions while he prepared for his date with Rosie Kleinsmith. Buoyed by his performance the previous day with Dorothy and Penny, he was nonetheless nervous about spending the afternoon and evening with Rosie. He had never been on a date with a woman and didn’t quite know how to conduct himself.
First was the matter of dress. After showering and shaving, he put on a light gray suit over a pale blue shirt and selected a solid navy-blue tie. With dark socks and black leather oxford shoes, he was smartly dressed, if not a bit boring in his selections.
What do you think, Geordie?
Not bad, but rather bland. Perhaps a more exciting tie would pull it all together in a more interesting way. I’ve managed to transport one from my closet that may be just the ticket.
George’s apparition then held out a checkered red, white, and blue Chicago Cubs tie.
Really, Geordie? I’m not much of a baseball fan.
Doesn’t matter; it’s still an attractive tie and will contrast nicely with the muted colors of the rest.
Milton replaced the navy-blue tie with the Cubbies tie and looked doubtfully in the mirror.
Have you figured out where to take her for dinner following the concert?
Yes, I thought we’d go to the Artisan.
Did you make a reservation?
Uh… no. I forgot to do that, but it’s too late now. I’ve got to leave to pick up Rosie. I guess we’ll just have to hope for the best.
When Rosie answered the door, she fairly took Milton’s breath away. She was dressed in a pastel green summer dress, which stopped at the knee, with white, strappy sandals and a soft, white cardigan. Her chestnut hair was half up, half down in a style that was effortlessly chic, and she wore a delicate necklace and a pair of thin bracelets for understated elegance. She was gorgeous.
“You look very lovely, Rosie.”
“Thank you. You look nice yourself. I like your tie. Are you a Cubs fan?”
“My brother suggested this tie as being more colorful than most of mine.”
Rosie tried to make sense of this, remembering that Milton had told her his brother had died recently. “Do you find yourself imagining conversations with him?”
Milton was grateful that Rosie’s quick mind had rescued him from the hole he’d begun digging for himself. “Yes, that’s it exactly.”
Betty then came into the front hall to wish them well on their date. “Now, you and Malcolm have a wonderful time, dear. You both look so attractive together.”
They said goodbye and headed for Milton’s car. After backing out of the driveway and giving Betty a final wave, Milton said, “How is she doing following her resignation from the Board the other day?”
“She’s been a little upset because that horrible Dorothy Clodfelter came over right after Gram called her with her resignation and demanded she turn over all of her records. She grilled her about whether she showed them to anyone, which, to me, was very suspicious, and it drove Gram almost to tears denying that she had. I guess she forgot showing you her dues payment log, but I’m glad she did. Did you present Dorothy with that petition yet?”
“Yes, and it went precisely how I predicted it would. She refused, of course, to call a meeting herself, and I told her I would be calling one in her stead. She was apparently unaware that the rules permitted such an action and was miffed to find out.”
“Miffed? I’ll bet it was stronger than that, knowing that horrid woman.”
“Yes, perhaps apoplectic might better describe it. She was very insulting, but I was able to withstand her verbal jousts and held firm.”
“I think it’s admirable you stood up for the neighborhood like that.”
Milton just smiled.
They ran into a traffic jam on the way to the concert hall because a stalled car on the highway had slowed traffic to a crawl. Milton chastised himself for not allowing more time to get there, and when they finally arrived, they were 15 minutes late, and the concert was underway. The first number was the Egmont Overture, and they had to stand in the back listening to it because the ushers would not allow them to be seated while the orchestra was playing. They had to wait until the number was over before finding their seats.
Now, George, have some mercy on Milton. He’s very new at this and unaccustomed to the intricacies of courting. Don’t be too hard on him for his lack of sufficient planning. He’s a quick learner, who won’t make these mistakes again. Help keep his spirits up and remain positive.
The remainder of the concert went very well. Both Milton and Rosie were entranced by the beauty of the Pastoral Symphony. After the final two notes, which shifted dynamically to fortissimo, they burst into thunderous applause with a release of emotion they both felt building through the last movement. A standing ovation for the orchestra followed.
It was 5:45 PM when they exited the concert hall. They walked to the Artisan restaurant, which was nearby, leaving the car where it was. When they got inside, the hostess said there would be a two-hour wait; it was a Saturday night at a popular eatery at the dinner hour after all.
“I’m a bit new at this, Rosie,” said Milton, “and I forgot to make a reservation. Perhaps we’ll have more luck at another restaurant nearby.”
“Let’s give it a try,” said Rosie, though she was doubtful.
Halfway down the same block was another popular restaurant called The Sweet Onion, but the wait there was at least an hour and a half.
They crossed the street and tried two more places on the opposite side with similar results.
“I’m so sorry, Rosie. I’ve made a muck of this through lack of planning. Perhaps we should just head home.”
Milton felt humiliated and couldn’t look her in the eye. This felt much worse than Dorothy Clodfelter’s berating. He had only himself to blame.
Rosie didn’t quite know what to say. She agreed with him that he’d made a muck of things but was much too kind to pile on. She could tell he felt badly. He was an inexperienced, awkward man, but there was something about him that she found very endearing.
She had once been swept off her feet by a scoundrel whom she married—a decision she regretted almost from the start. They were nothing alike, and it had been an awful mistake. Perhaps it was because Milton and her ex-husband were such polar opposites that she was attracted to him and embraced his gentle spirit.
I’ve really made a mess of things, Geordie. I’m not very good at this.
Don’t give up, Milton. All is not lost. Why don’t you turn this corner here and see where it leads?
Milton took his advice and turned the corner. Halfway up the block, they happened to pass an old-fashioned-looking diner called Barney’s Place. The smell of hamburgers grilling wafted from it, and in their present state of hunger, it smelled intoxicating. Milton looked at Rosie and gestured questioningly with his eyes toward it.
“Why not?” she said, and they entered.
 Recognized |
Milton Frobish: A meek 41-year-old accountant, who moves into an HOA with his brother, George.
George Frobish (Geordie): The 44-year-old invalid brother of Milton. After his death, George becomes a ghost that only Milton can see.
Esme Green (pronounced Ez-may): Milton's next-door neighbor. She is 75.
Dorothy Clodfelter: The president of the Riverwood HOA.
Penny Smalls: The vice president of the Riverwood HOA.
Betty Kleinsmith: The senile treasurer of the Riverwood HOA.
Rosemary Kleinsmith (Rosie): Betty's adult granddaughter. She is 35.
Irene Ferguson: Esme's next-door neighbor.
Picture courtesy of Imagen-3
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