| Satire Fiction posted June 5, 2025 | Chapters: |
...15 16 -17- 18... 
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The battle has been joined
A chapter in the book Milton vs the HOA
Milton vs the HOA - Chapter 17
by Jim Wile
| Background A meek accountant moves into the HOA from hell. |
Recap of Chapter 16: Milton and Esme go to Betty’s house one evening to discuss the petition with her and the reason for it. She ends up signing it now that she is no longer a Board member. She’s upset that neighbors will be angry with her, but Esme stays to comfort her while Milton and Rosie go for a walk.
Rosie compliments Milton for taking the lead in the effort to set things right in the neighborhood. At George’s prompting, he asks her to a concert and dinner on Saturday, and she gladly accepts.
Chapter 17
It was Friday afternoon, and Dorothy Clodfelter and Penny Smalls were again relaxing around the pool, sipping margaritas this time, when who should enter the pool area but Milton Frobish and Esme Green, dressed in bathing suits and flip-flops and carrying towels?
Milton’s bathing suit was ridiculously baggy on his thin frame, and Esme looked like an overstuffed sausage inside her pale pink suit and white bathing cap. Milton was also carrying a briefcase.
Looking up suddenly, Dorothy was amused by the sight. “Well, if it isn’t Jack Spratt and his wife!”
“Good afternoon, ladies,” said Esme. “Beautiful day for the pool, isn’t it?”
Dorothy didn’t quite know what to make of this intrusion on her and Penny’s lovely afternoon in the sun, and she didn’t respond immediately.
“How’s the water?” continued Esme while Milton set his briefcase down on a round table next to Dorothy and Penny, who were stretched out on their chaise longues. He took a seat at the table.
“Have you come to swim, or is there something else on your minds?” said Dorothy, glancing at Milton with his briefcase.
“Oh, I think there will be time for everything,” replied Esme, who removed her flip-flops and dipped a toe in the water. “Ooo, a bit chilly.”
Milton extracted a clipboard from the briefcase that contained a copy of the petition signed by 36 members of the community. He kept the original at home.
“Mrs. Clodfelter, Mrs. Smalls, good day to you,” said Milton and handed Dorothy the stapled list. For the first time, Milton did not feel nervous in Dorothy’s presence. He knew he had the upper hand.
She refused to take the list and said merely, “What is it this time, Mr. Frobish? I have no interest in these papers you keep handing me.”
“I think you will be interested in this one, though. It’s a petition signed by 85% of the community requesting that you call a meeting of the membership of the HOA, the agenda of which is to remove you and Mrs. Smalls from the Board by a vote. All but six have signed the petition.”
Penny gave Dorothy an odd, questioning look, but Dorothy simply burst out laughing, and so Penny laughed too.
“Mr. Frobish, in your wildest dreams, did you ever think I would agree to call such a meeting? Do you take me for a fool?”
“No, ma’am, I don’t. Not a fool.”
Dorothy glanced at Penny and rolled her eyes. She turned back to Milton. “Then what prompted you to go to all this trouble and to make such a foolish request?”
“Am I to understand then that your answer is no?”
“What part of ‘foolish request’ don’t you understand? Of course, my answer is no.” She looked at Penny again, smiled a sardonic smile, and shook her head as if she’d been talking to the biggest imbecile imaginable.
“In that case, I must inform you that, in your stead, I will be calling a meeting of the membership to vote on the measure. You both will be invited to the meeting, but whether or not you attend is of no consequence. The results of the vote, if it is to remove you, will be final, and you will no longer be on the Board.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. You must be a moron if you think we take this seriously.”
“Careful, Dorothy,” said Esme. “Best not to get him worked up. I served him tomato soup for lunch today, if you catch my drift.”
Penny looked inquiringly at Dorothy, who ignored her as well as Esme’s remark.
Milton was enjoying how this was going. For the first time, he managed to stay unruffled by her insults. He went on, unperturbed, “It doesn’t matter whether or not you take it seriously, Mrs. Clodfelter. You can’t stop it, and you must abide by the results.”
“Says who? You?”
“No, says the Bylaws of the Riverwood Homeowners’ Association, section 5, article 3. You are aware of the Bylaws, are you not?”
Milton, you’re doing splendidly!
Thank you, Geordie.
You don’t sound at all nervous.
Not this time.
Dorothy was seething. “I don’t give a good goddam what some piece of paper might say. You’re not throwing me out! Now, I suggest you leave my property this instant.
As Milton returned the clipboard to his briefcase and closed it up, he said, “This is not your property, Mrs. Clodfelter. This is part of the common area, and I am as entitled to be here as you are. In fact, more so because I pay my dues.”
Before Dorothy could muster up a retort, Esme cried out, “Ooo, here goes nothing!” as she jumped as high as she could, tucked in her limbs, and made a giant cannonball leap into the pool with such a grand displacement of water that Dorothy, Penny, and Milton were drenched by the splash. Milton, though, decided to join Esme in the pool and jumped in.
That left Dorothy and Penny shrieking from the sudden shock of cold water. They had had quite enough of this pair. They gathered up their things in a huff and headed quickly back toward Dorothy’s house without another word.
Milton and Esme, together in the pool, grinned and gave each other a high five. “Milton, that was sensational!”
“It did go rather well, didn’t it?”
“Oh, you certainly put it to her with that correction about the common area, and I’ll bet you gave her some food for thought with your remark about the dues.”
“Yes, but I have to say the coup de grâce was your cannonball into the pool. Perfectly timed, Esme.”
“Thank you, dear. This water isn’t bad once you get over the initial shock. I do think Dorothy and Penny will have a little more trouble getting over the shock of what you just hit them with, though.”
When Dorothy and Penny got inside and dried off, Penny said, “What was he talking about with bylaws? What the hell are those?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never bothered to read them. I just stuck them in a drawer when they were handed over to me. I’ve only read the CCRs. Perhaps I’d better read these bylaws, for God’s sake, to see if what he says is true. If it is, we’re going to have to go to that meeting and fight it. I just can’t get over it; no one has ever stood up to us like this nebbish.”
“What do you make of that last remark he made?” asked a worried Penny. “Do you think he knows about our little cadre of friends?”
“I don’t know how he could, unless that doofus Betty showed them her records and didn’t tell me. That could really be our undoing.”
“And what was that crack Esme made about tomato soup?”
“Who knows? She’s as daffy as that Milton.”
“I think she splashed us on purpose,” said Penny.
“Ya think?”
“I don’t know, Dorothy. I’ve got a bad feeling about all of this now. I wonder if it’s time to pull up stakes.”
“Suit yourself, but we’ve got too good a deal going here. I’m going to fight it. I just refuse to believe that twerp, Milton Frobish, can beat us.”
 Recognized |
Milton Frobish: A meek 41-year-old accountant, who moves into an HOA with his brother, George.
George Frobish (Geordie): The 44-year-old invalid brother of Milton. After his death, George becomes a ghost that only Milton can see.
Esme Green (pronounced Ez-may): Milton's next-door neighbor. She is 75.
Dorothy Clodfelter: The president of the Riverwood HOA.
Penny Smalls: The vice president of the Riverwood HOA.
Betty Kleinsmith: The senile treasurer of the Riverwood HOA.
Rosemary Kleinsmith (Rosie): Betty's adult granddaughter. She is 35.
Irene Ferguson: Esme's next-door neighbor.
Picture courtesy of Imagen-4
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