A Legacy of Hope

Jane was fifty-one with end-stage cancer that was initially breast cancer. She lived in Nevada, a single parent of two teenage girls, Marci, 14 and Sandra, 16. These three women were about to face a radical change in their lives. Jane was dying and her daughters were soon to lose their mother and would be orphans.

Jane had a copy of my book, Conversations. She reached out to me and asked if I would consider meeting with her via FaceTime and I agreed. We would meet twice a week for seven weeks. I took copious notes and this story reflects just a “Reader’s Digest” of our sessions.

“Dr. Stephenson, I know you have worked mostly with younger people, but I have two teenagers who are going through a tough time, and I am hoping that our time together may better prepare me for the conversations I think the three of us are going to need. But I don’t know how to start and I don’t know how to end.”

"Jane, would your daughters be open to meeting with me?”

“I think so. They are both reading portions of your book and Brenda just ordered your other book, The Gift to Self. But I will check with them to confirm they would meet with you.”

“Okay, Jane, so let’s talk.  Tell me what’s going on and what you hope will happen in the sessions we will have.”

 “I’m dying. Maybe four months. Maybe less. Hospice will be coming next week. My kids have been kept informed throughout and they know what’s coming, but we don’t know what happens between now and the end. Can you help us? It’s the unknown that’s hurting us. We have so little time, but what is that time going to be like? How do we make use of it?”

“Jane, let’s see if we can first put into perspective what you are going through and what your kids are going through.  What you are going through is called Preparatory Grief. But what your children are going through is called Anticipatory Grief. You are preparing to experience the loss of everything. Your children are having to anticipate the loss of you and their relationship to you. In other words, you are all going through this time with each other, but differently. To get hold of where you are and where they are will help you decide how you will use the time you have left. Your grief is very different than your kids. This will be crucial, and it will help you to be the parent you need to be with your kids.”

“Jane, so that I know we’re on the same page, tell me what you heard just now.”

“What I heard you say is that the grief the kids are experiencing is different than mine. If we can understand that then we will be more sensitive to what we are each experiencing.”

"Exactly, Jane. So, let’s get started. I have an assignment for you. By the way, you will soon realize that I value your time and I will set into motion some specific tasks that I hope you will consider. The first is this. Conference with your kids. Ask them what they think about when they are alone. Have them try to describe the loss they are experiencing. But do this only when you have shared this with them first. Model to them what you hope they will share with you and with their sister. Do you think your children would be willing to have such a conversation?”

“Yes, I think so. Your suggestion also makes sense. We seem to be playing “hide and seek” with this issue. We all know that we’re hurting for each other as well as ourselves, but we dodge around it somehow.”

 “They need you to be in charge. But, again, model to them what you hope they will share. In fact, tell them that before you share. Give them permission and then demonstrate with your own personal struggle, with your grief. Can you do that?”

“I can and I will.”

“Then with the time remaining, let’s brainstorm about the particulars of your grief. Can you tell me about that?”

“First, I need to set the ground rules with them:

1. We tell the truth, no matter how painful that may be.
2. No one leaves the conversation.
3. No question is judged, as is no answer.
4. We make a commitment to schedule another family meeting on a regular basis.

Then I would begin to share. I would start with, ‘What’s going to happen to you two?’ They are aware that my sister plans to move in very soon now. They know this but I want to reaffirm it. They think the world of their aunt and I am hopeful that they will work well together.”

“Have you retained legal counsel to define this relationship and also the custodial responsibility of your estate for your children?”

“Oh, my God! You’re right. This has all been verbal and nothing has been written down. I know someone who can help us with that, and I will call her right away. Should my kids and my sister attend that meeting?

“Probably. But before you set up the appointment, think about what you want the agreement to contain. Then, when you call this lawyer, you will be able to describe what you need to have happen and this will enable her to draw up a first-draft for all of you to review.”

“I’m hoping my kids will be able to help me answer my question about what’s going to happen to them. We’ve been on our own for nine years now since my husband, their father, was killed in an automobile accident. Which reminds me. I want to make sure that I have a 1:1 conversation about their relationship with men. I want to be the one to address that and not my sister and they both need to define that and help them set some boundaries for themselves.”

“It sounds as if you have a full agenda for this meeting, Jane. Do you think you’re up for it? I can facilitate if you think it might be helpful.”

“No, I think I can do this. It may be the last parental responsibility I can do. What else do I need to think about?”

“Jane, there are ‘milestones’ that your children will experience, and they are going to grieve because you aren’t there to be a part of those milestones. For example, graduation. I want you to consider making a video they can watch, showing your joy as well as your hope for what the next few years in college will be like for them. Second, holidays. Make a video they can watch that includes your thoughts about Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving. And birthdays, including yours. Third. They will have weddings. Describe for them what you had wanted to do. I bet you had always thought about escorting them down the aisle.”

You’re right, I did!”

“Then tell them that and how you hope they will imagine you beside them as they walk down the aisle. And think about what blessing you would like to have read at the reception. I’m sure there are other moments you may want to include on video. Leave them something to wear or carry for the wedding. Describe your wedding to them on the video. Talk about your wedding dress. I’m sure you can think of a number of traditions you continued, and you hope they will as well."

"And that’s just one milestone. But prepare to make videos for other milestones. They will have children. Talk to them on video when you were pregnant and when they were born. Have them take a moment during delivery and have them remember that you are there for them in spirit.  But try to make a video for each milestone."

"I know this sounds like a lot of work, but you would be amazed at how this will get your blood running. What do you think? Am I pushing you too hard?”

“Dr. Stephenson, my head is swimming! I haven’t felt this alive for a long time. I have a sense of hope and purpose and I’m developing a plan that will shape the future of my children. No, you need to push me harder.”

“Jane, the kids will want to share about these milestones but let these videos be ‘gifts’ they can experience at or near each particular milestone. Urge them to consider making a video. Have them consider doing a video of all three of you just talking. Sharing memories. Sharing crazy times. Your last Christmas. If you have family traditions around any of the holidays, you may want to make sure they are aware of them.”

“Dr. Stephenson, you’ve given me a huge assignment which I accept. I will also encourage the girls to contact you if they need to. Thanks for the way you have specifically given me my life back. I will not abdicate that until I have no choice.”

Jane would make several videos for her two children to view and re-view. She also reached out to grief support groups and spoke to several groups in her church and neighborhood groups about finding a purpose that is achievable and living it. She had re-discovered hope. It would be a legacy of Hope.