| Essay Non-Fiction posted February 11, 2025 |
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searching for a life
Searching 4 a life
by Iza Deleanu
Here I am, standing and searching for my life. As usual, I am going in circles like a broken machine. I am recharging from time to time with a dance lesson and a quick escape to Paradise and charge again like an idiot in the same walls. The mother's fortune karma keeps me prisoner in the same cycle. Desperately, I try to sneak to the next level, but the God "of you haven't learnt your lesson yet" pushes me back in the same circle.
The system shuts down, entrapping me in the same circle of whining. Cautions keep me trapped in my greatest fear: if I defend myself, would I survive the wrath of the gods? Every day, I wake up and walk hand in hand with this dilemma.
Things have never been alright at this new job I took in 2022. It was too good to be true because it had everything: the money, the time, the challenge, the idea to change the world and bring my set of skills to a new level... but I locked myself in this sweet deal, just like in my marriage, for the love of stability plus the money and vacation. But I gave up myself, my mental health, and my joy.
What have I lost? How about myself, respect? Add to this my creativity and the courage to shut up." Boss, you begged me to apply for this company. How about you let me do my job, for once? And provide me with access to the right people at the right time?"
I want to free myself from this web of negativity. If I am going to do this, it's a big deal. Why am I selling myself short? What have I lost during this transition? How about my soul and self-respect? I feel like a puppet in a shadow theatre. I lean in and sometimes forget to breathe.
Just crying about it on a page won't change anything. Simply praying to God for a miracle won't help unless I align my path with His will. What do I have to lose? For starters, the ability to live in this country... or wait a minute, I have been in this situation before. So, it's time to restart and engage. I need to look elsewhere or activate my defence mechanism. So here's to you, Mister. I'm not scared anymore. I won't run but will learn to stand on two feet and be myself again. Cheers to that, and thank you for the lesson!
Sorry for yesterday I wrote this in the bus with no glasses, so it was unfinished and had lots of mistakes. Thank you for your patience with my rant.
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