General Fiction posted May 27, 2024

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Do You Understand Your Rights?

by Bill Schott

Detective Armstrong closed the door to the interrogation room. He and Detective Loco were to interrogate a suspect related to the murder-for-hire case.  The suspect, Chimp Doopy, sat handcuffed and attached to a table. Armstrong sat across from him and the Loco stood behind Doopy. 
"What's your name?" asked Armstrong.
Detective Loco slapped the suspect across the back of his head.  "Tell him your real name, dummy."
"Chimpathion Dupuis, sir. People call me Chimp Doopy."
"Who hired you to kill Mudflap Miller?"
"Who's Mudflap Miller?"
Detective Loco slapped Chimpathion across the back of his head again.  
"I don't know who Mudflap Miller is, or was."
"You were seen dumping his body in the lake by the docks."
"Oh, that guy."
Loco grabbed Chimp's chair and twisted it around to face him.  "What's that supposed to mean?!"
"So you did drop him off the dock into the lake?" asked Armstrong.
"Well, yes and no."
Loco grabbed Chimp by the lapels and stood him up as far as the handcuffs would allow, being attached to the table top. 
"What does that mean!?"
Chimpathion looked to the seated detective.
"Is this questioning about someone murdering this Mudflap Miller, Detective? If so, I know nothing about it."
"Then who was the body you dumped in the lake?"
"Well, if I did dump someone in the lake, it wasn't this Miller fellow.  So, I have nothing else to say except let me go, or call my lawyer."
"You just confessed to a crime, Doopy, said Detective Loco. "You ain't going nowhere."
"I never confessed to anything. You said I was seen dumping Mupflap Miller in the lake; I did not do that. Whatever else I did or did not do is irrelevent." 
"Who did you dump in the lake?!" asked Armstrong, banging his fist once on the table.
"Lawyer, please."
"That's it!" yelled Loco. "I'm going to beat the truth out of this guy!"
"Don't you fellows record and film these interrogations?" 
"Of course," answered Armstrong.
"So, I answered your questions and asked for a lawyer. Then, the detective threatened my health and well-being.  I will be suing the department for the hundreds of thousands I have lost in the two hours you have detained me. I'm almost certain my attorney will want a couple of million in punitive damages."
"What do you do that earns so much money, Doopy?" asked Armstrong.
"Lawyer, please."
The door opens and a well-dressed woman entered with a brief case.
"You must be the lawyer," said Armstrong.
"Yes. First of all, Mr. Dupuis, you may leave and find your car outside."
An officer entered, released Chimp, and both left the room. 
"Wait a minute," began Loco.
"Yes, Detective Loco. I must tell you that the activity here is not only recorded, but streams live to the opposite room.  You will be the subject of a misconduct investigation involving striking my client."
"Wait a minute," repeated Loco.
"Also, Detective Armstrong, you are responsible for what happens here, so you will also be investigated."
"This will go nowhere, lady," said Loco.
"Really? That's not what Chief of Police Smith said. He was with me as we watched this interrogation."
One year later...
Detective O'brian closed the door to the interrogation room. He and Detective Wenzel were to interrogate a murder suspect.  The suspect, Luke Loco, sat handcuffed and attached to a table. O'brian sat across from him and Wenzel stood behind Loco. 
"You were seen dumping Chimp Doopy's body in the lake by the docks."
"Yeah. That was at midnight. At eleven o'clock I dropped his lawyer in at the same spot."

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