Humor Poetry posted April 9, 2023

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Parts 1 & 2

A chapter in the book The Divine Nonsense of Jim Wile

Pluto - The Complete Poem

by Jim Wile

This is the poem in its entirety. For those who have already read Part 1 and want to skip directly to Part 2, simply scroll down until you see it, clearly marked. Whatever you do, please don’t skip the notes at the end where I explain why he was really voted out and a theory about why Pluto is the way he is at the beginning.

Part 1

    Pluto the space rock of dubious fame
    was once called a planet then stripped of the name,
    but not for the reason you’d think it would be.
    He well-earned his fate, as I’m sure you’ll agree.

    Pluto was such an insufferable pest,
    vaunting his status to all of the rest.
    Of the folks in the Kuiper Belt, he was but one
    of thousands just like him who orbit the sun.

    He was the biggest but not by too much
    to warrant the bragging that helped make him such
    a pain in the buttocks to all within hearing,
    with nothing to make him the least bit endearing.

    He bragged to the rest that his weight was immense
    and scoffed at them all for being less dense.
    For rock he was made of while they’re made of ice.
    His density therefore was way more than thrice.

    Insults he hurled at them, morning ‘til night
    without provocation. It just wasn’t right.
    With the closest of planets, he followed the pattern--
    made fun of Uranus, and Neptune, and Saturn.

    He called them “old gas bags,” offending them greatly.
    He showed no respect for the large and the stately,
    who earned their position as planets, no question.
    To all of the others Earth made a suggestion:

    “Instead of complaining, let’s all go to work.
    Why don’t we vote to get rid of this jerk.
    To be clear: It’s not for diminutive size
    we seek to expel him. He must realize…

    That far-outsized ego’s why he gets the boot.
    We’ll say, if he argues, the point is now moot.
    Alright, who’s in favor of kicking him out?”
    The vote was unanimous. There was no doubt.

    Pluto then brooded. Now what would he do?
    For that you will just have to wait for Part 2.
    Oh, will he decide that he must make amends,
    or stay a li’l beast and then seek his revenge?

Part 2 – Pluto’s Revenge

    Pluto was miffed and kept stewing and brooding
    as fellow dwarf planets were jeering and hooting.
    They’d suffered too long from the insults and sneers
    deplorable Pluto’d been slinging for years.

    Had Pluto been humbled? Oh, not in the least,
    and still he remained an insufferable beast.
    The brooding he’d done had been very productive
    for making a plan that was highly destructive.

    First, he would pop all those gas bags who voted
    to have him expelled and now simpered and gloated.
    And then he would crash into Earth whose suggestion
    had started the plan to remove him—no question.

    So, Pluto took off like a shot for Neptune,
    and struck him and popped him just like a balloon
    that shrank into nothing from sudden deflation--
    a planet no more much to Pluto’s elation.

    Repeating this feat for Uranus and Saturn,
    he popped both of them in identical fashion.
    Now heading for Jupiter, Pluto was giddy.
    For all of these gas bags, he lacked any pity.

    But Jupiter, rather than quickly deflating,
    exploded his hydrogen core, thus creating
    a vast conflagration of such immense size
    with a brightness that surely could blind any eyes.

    Propelled by great force, Pluto headed for Earth,
    sailing by Mars who he felt had no worth.
    For Earth was the target of all of his wrath.
    She’d started the rest on their treacherous path.

    Pluto expected to smash her to bits
    by striking a blow with his damnable blitz.
    But what he forgot or perhaps didn’t know:
    Earth had vast oceans which softened his blow.

    So, Pluto had failed to blow her to bits.
    He sat in the ocean and suffered from fits
    of despondency. Many long years he remained,
    bemoaning his failure, for he was ashamed.

    He’d only succeeded in changing her axis,
     reducing the tilt eight degrees, and that fact is
    the cause of the change in extremes of the seasons,
    with summers now cooler and winters less freezin’.

    Earthlings rejoiced; they had Pluto to thank
    as they toasted his health, while they ate and they drank.
    They even created a world holiday
    and honored his feat every sixteenth of May.

    Earthlings adored him. They couldn’t deny he
    made temperatures everywhere more like Hawaii.
    Despite his intention to ruin the Earth,
    his action instead proved to be of great worth.

    Pluto was stunned by the joyful displays,
    which caused him to question his virulent ways.
    Showing some kindness would sure be a first,
    as would giving his best as opposed to his worst.

    Deciding right then, he vowed he would try it
    and show folks some goodness instead of the diet
    of bragging and insults, invective, and jeers
    that he’d hurled at his neighbors for many long years.

    Pluto went home as a far different fellow--
    more kind to his neighbors, more laid-back and mellow.
    Humble and modest, at long last he felt
    a friendship with all in the great Kuiper Belt.

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April
2023

A few facts about Pluto: Pluto was discovered in 1930 and remained a planet until it was re-classified as a "dwarf planet" in 2006. It was the smallest planet by far, with a diameter 1/6th that of Earth. This makes it sound larger than it actually is because 170 Plutos can fit inside Earth.

Pluto is one of several dwarf planets in the Kuiper Belt--a zone beyond the orbit of Neptune brimming with hundreds of thousands of rocky, icy bodies, each larger than 62 miles (100 kilometers) across.

Pluto is made of rock and methane ice and is much denser than other dwarf planets in the Kuiper Belt which are primarily ice.

Note: The "old gas bags" mentioned in the poem are the planets Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune. They are the "gas giants," composed entirely of gases such as hydrogen and helium.

Why was Pluto such an obnoxious jerk at the beginning? Some may think it's because he suffered from the "Napoleon Complex," whereby a domineering or aggressive attitude is an overcompensation for a small stature. My wife happens to think it's because, deep down, Pluto never felt he really deserved to be a planet in the first place and tried to build himself up by making fun of others. This is typical of a bully, as it serves to mask his insecurity.

I have a different theory. I think it's because he knew that to be a planet required 3 things:

1) Must be in orbit around the sun -- check
2) Must have sufficient mass to create a round shape -- check
3) Must have "cleared the neighborhood" around its orbit -- fail (This is the "real" reason Pluto was voted out.)

He knew that rule 3 meant that there are no other bodies of comparable size other than his own moons in his vicinity in space. That meant he would have to push everyone else in the Kuiper Belt away so that he could clear his neighborhood. What better way to do that than to insult everyone else and become such a jerk that they will move away?

Yes, he was a jerk before these criteria were set down by the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in 2006, but my theory is that Pluto had the foresight to know this would eventually become one of the criteria of planethood and, in an attempt to preempt his exclusion on these grounds, he came up with his plan to push everyone else away so that he would qualify.

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Parts 1 & 2

A chapter in the book The Divine Nonsense of Jim Wile

Pluto - The Complete Poem

by Jim Wile

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