General Fiction posted February 6, 2023

This work has reached the exceptional level
Stating why I am fat using ...

Just the Facts

by Tom Horonzy

Joe Friday was my hero. If you are a senior over 65, you may recall his role on Dragnet. Its recognizable, four-note intro to the theme music featured brass and a timpani.  "Da-da-da-dum."  The city was Los Angeles. The stories he told were true. Only the names were changed to protect the innocent. His badge number was 714. 
Back in the day, there was a myth that Joe was a George Herman Ruth fan. That is the total number of home runs "The Babe" slugged. 
Was that "just the facts?" Likely not. Webb originally wanted the number to be 777. Three times the lucky number seven. In Joe's business, luck was a necessity. Remember. Friday was a cop. His partner was Bill Gannon. Their supervisor was Captain Mack. The city was Los Angeles. 
Another possibility had the producer thinking 777 was too close to 666. So, he added the last two digits (7+7) and got fourteen. Badge #714. I imagine today, if, on patrol, they would need more than luck. Perhaps automatic weapons, bullet-proof vests, and a swat team for backup. That's just the facts if a cop is working the "Streets of  L.A." today. Wasn't that another television program? 
Anyhow, the gist of this story has nothing to do with Joe, Bill, Captain Mack, or Los Angeles. It has to deal with me. I've gotten fat. Why?  
By way of deductive reasoning, being a fan of Sir Arthur Ignatius Conan Doyle KStJ DL, I have concluded with non-scientific facts that the reason I am a head short of being as round as I am tall is gravity. I once stood six-foot-seven. Now, I am six-foot-five. I weigh the same as I did then, but my girth has rounded out. And that my friends, and Dragnet fans, are "Just the Facts.
If I were Joe instead of Tom, I could be typed cast for a Santa Claus roll with my jelly-belly or a representative for Butterball turkeys. Plump but unlikely delicious.
I had not intended for my tummy to become distended, but gravity, as far as I know, has not yet been controlled by Nasa.

Photo from by Cottonbro Studio
A riveting weekly program, in black and white starring Jack Webb from 1949-59.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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