General Fiction posted March 6, 2022 |
from the Apocryphal Gospel of Archer
Elijah's millennial baptysm
by SimianSavant
90 Word Spiritual Fiction Contest Winner
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
Elijah went up to Heaven in a Chariot, on a Whirlwind; but here's what went down backstage according to Yoda.
Palpatine: as my first act as Chancellor, I will create the first GALACTIC EMPIRE and then eat the Jedi master Elijah on avocado toast, preferably salted. Go, and bring me Elijah.
God: haha wtf you guys, Palpatine's gone batshit again. Let's play his God damn little game and see what happens -- yo Angel, grab a chariot from the garage, stat.
Angel: sure thing, God; you owe me a beer tho.
Elijah went up to Heaven in a Chariot, on a Whirlwind; but here's what went down backstage according to Yoda.
Palpatine: as my first act as Chancellor, I will create the first
God: haha wtf you guys, Palpatine's gone batshit again. Let's play his God damn little game and see what happens -- yo Angel, grab a chariot from the garage, stat.
Angel: sure thing, God; you owe me a beer tho.
Palpatine: as my first act as Chancellor, I will create the first
GALACTIC EMPIRE
and then eat the Jedi master Elijah on avocado toast, preferably salted. Go, and bring me Elijah.
God: haha wtf you guys, Palpatine's gone batshit again. Let's play his God damn little game and see what happens -- yo Angel, grab a chariot from the garage, stat.
Angel: sure thing, God; you owe me a beer tho.
Avocado post pic provided courtesy of Uber Eats, displayed with attribution and not for commercial purposes.
For any wannabe Bible trivia nerds who think this piece should be censored from the contest for referring to some religion, a) the story of Elijah is not limited to any one religion, b) Elijah was the fourth most popular name given to boys born in 2020, c) this story makes it ambiguous as to whether Elijah actually made it to heaven, and d) the original story doesn't actually say that Elijah got into a chariot. It just says that a chariot of fire and horses separated him and Elisha. However, it sure looks like the contest itself drew these words from that passage. Where else in mythology are heaven, chariot, and whirlwind mentioned in the same sentence?
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. For any wannabe Bible trivia nerds who think this piece should be censored from the contest for referring to some religion, a) the story of Elijah is not limited to any one religion, b) Elijah was the fourth most popular name given to boys born in 2020, c) this story makes it ambiguous as to whether Elijah actually made it to heaven, and d) the original story doesn't actually say that Elijah got into a chariot. It just says that a chariot of fire and horses separated him and Elisha. However, it sure looks like the contest itself drew these words from that passage. Where else in mythology are heaven, chariot, and whirlwind mentioned in the same sentence?
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