I shoulda knowed there'd be problems talkin' to a Englishman. First off, we was strangers. Not total of course... we was related somewheres on my ma's side. Ma's last wish was to go gallivantin' to her birthplace. Strange how dyin' folk always get a hankerin' to get back where they started. Anyways... I got stuck takin' her 'cuz I was the smartest and most culturized in the family. Fer once, I shoulda' played dumb.

Muh brother, Wilbur, wanted to be the one that took her 'cuz he done learnt with his schoolin' that we Americans had a big feud with England over us flyin' our own flag and all. Ma didn't think it would be all that smart to let him go 'cus he likes to fight. I gotta agree, there ain't no need gettin' the feud started all over agin.

I gotta admit, England weren't that bad a place to see. They got things the likes o' which I ain't never seen afor. Like that clock they have named Ben. Londoners are really proud of how big that clock is. Chimes purty good, to boot. What I cain't figgur out is, why name a clock as if it was your buddy or somethin'.

'Course, I was less than impressed when we went to the Piccadilly Circus. I was all pumped to have a good ol' time but that place... well, all I kin say is "Don't go there if you're a big circus fan... it ain't one. They didn't even have no lions or clowns, or any of those circus type stuff, so why go?

Hold on here. Let me pull muh wagon to a stop...I done got off track o' what I was wantin' to tell about... talkin' to muh Ma's English relation, Percy. Right off, we had trouble talkin' to one another. He don't talk good English, least not like me, anyhow. I reckon we managed, though, thanks to my social type skills.

I jist figured I better be the one to start bein' social so I says "Slap it here, Percy." On purpose I even said it with a grin on my face that wouldn't stop.

He looks me right in the eye an' says "Beg PAW-DIN, Suh?"

Closest I could figger was he was a tellin' me if I wanted dinner I'd hafta beg his pa for it. I ain't no begger... 'sides, I twern't even hungry cuz I'd just chowed down on the plane. Sure, that food weren't no hog jowls but I ain't complainin'. Now, I gotta be careful here cuz I could get off on a whole new bag of fleas about that plane ride. Thing is, though, hungry or not, I still ain't no beggar.

So I says "No thanks. Yer Pa kin have it."

Ma gasped an' retched fer Percy's shoulder as if she needed to help him stay on his feet.

"He doesn't understand." she says... but she ain't lookin' at me. She's lookin' at Percy.

I pops muh forehead with muh hand. I shoulda' knowed. Percy must be one a them po' folks that ain't home in the brain too often. I seen that a lot back home with some of the older moonshiners. Drinkin' that stuff really does do somethin' to yer brain. At least now I knew how to treat the poor guy.

I crept right up to his face an', real slow, an' real loud, I says "H-o-w-d-y, P-e-r-c-y. U-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-n-d?"

He didn't.

"Suh," he says. "peerHOPS our communication begawn ahmiss. Shall we re-R tick? You late?" Percy says... or somethin' like that.... an' he said it with a straight face. Now, I knowed we weren't late an' I made sure we left most of the ticks at home. I have no idea what he was tryin' to say.

Now I'm frum America so sometimes we get people who don't tawk good English. I once met a man frum New York that tawked somethin' other than American... couldn't even say "New York". He called it "N'Yawk". But Percy was a talkin' some language I ain't never hear'd afor. So I figgered I'd hafta take control of the sitchiation.

"Percy," I says, still keepin' it slow fer his poor brain. "We be kin. If'n you don't mind, I'm a gonna jist learn ta like ya jist the way ya are."

I couldn' hep swellin' with pride at how Christian I was a bein' but Percy jist looked at Ma with a 'Huh?' kinda look an' Ma looked at me with a 'Let it be' look. It didn' make no sense to me atall. Then Percy pulls a stunt that just knocks me over the alligator pit. He pulls his self up nice an' tall, looks me eyeball ta eyeball, an' rips muh coat right offin' muh back.

"Now see here, Percy," I holler, rippin' the coat right back tuh muyself. "Kin or no, leave yer English hands off muh cougar skin!"

I was startin' to feel Ma shoulda' brought Wilber after all. It was startin' to feel a whole lot like a full fledged, drag-it-out, winner-take-all feud comin' on. So, bein' the gent I pride myself of being, I gave him fair warning. I doubled my fists an' hollered

"Now look here, you fancy pants Englishman. You best back off or you'll learn all over again what us flag-flyin' Americans kin do." I gotta admit, I felt mighty good puttin' him in his place.

I musta raised muh voice a tad more than I knew, though, cuz anuther fancy English guy come boundin' out of a big, swanky room to hep out. It didn't make no never mind to me, though, cuz I delt with bigger bouncers than this dude. Fists still doubled, I turned and faced the new guy squarely as he come across the big room.

"Is there a problem here, Percy?" the fancy bouncer guy asks.

"No Master Charles, Sir. Your cousin from the Colonies has arrived..." Percy shrugged his shoulders. "... but he doesn't seem to understand that I am just your butler."