Humor Fiction posted October 14, 2021 Chapters: 2 3 -4- 5 


Another Myrtle and Mildred Adventure

A chapter in the book The Silvery Moon

Fore!

by Patty Palmer




Background
Two eighty-year-old married couples are on a Great Lakes cruise on their honeymoon. As always, where ever they go, trouble follows.
"I see they have miniature golf on the main deck. Does anyone want to go? I can show off my expertise on the green," bragged Jason.


"Count me in!" proclaimed Howard. "This I gotta see!"


"Doesn't sound like much fun to me," grumbled Mildred. "I've no interest in hitting a little ball around and then having to chase after it only to do it over and over again. It makes me tired just thinking about it."


"Oh, come on Sweetie. It should be fun watching Jason show off his golf style. Might be good for a laugh or two."

Mildred thought about it and agreed that it might be fun at that.

"What does one wear on a golf outing?" she asked.

"I don't think you need to wear anything special and we're not going on a golf outing. We're just going to play miniature golf, babe," said Howard.


"Okay, I'll be ready shortly."


Mildred went through all of the clothing she had brought with her on the cruise but couldn't find anything suitable to wear for a golf outing.


There was a knock at the door and Howard answered it.
"Delivery for Mrs. Mildred Hanson. Sign here please."

Howard called to Mildred who was still in the shower. "There's a package that was just delivered to you. Do you know anything about it? Did you order something?" he yelled through the closed bathroom door.


The shower stopped running and Mildred peeked her head out of the door. "Yeh, I did order something from the sporting goods store. Just hand it to me and I'll show you what it is when I finish getting ready."


She snatched the bag from him then practically shut the door in his face. She had ordered a golfing outfit from the sports shop on board and she didn't want him to see it until she was dressed. It might be only miniature golf to the men, but it would be the closest thing to a golf outing that she'll ever see, mostly because golf held no interest for her. She only agreed to go because it was their honeymoon and she was willing to do some things that held Howard's interest as well.


Opening the door, Mildred stepped out into the living room of their cabin. "Ta Da!" she said getting Howard's attention. He took a quick look at his lovely wife and burst out laughing.


"What's so funny? Do I look like a clown or something?" she asked.


"Sweetheart, nothing is wrong. You just surprised me with your golfing attire. You look absolutely adorable."


Mildred, dressed in her golfing outfit, took a peek in the mirror to see how she looked. She was pleased with her outfit. The shopkeeper had followed her instructions perfectly. She had on a pair of midi-calf oversized black and white checkered golf trousers that sagged in all the wrong places. Her top was a light green V-neck sweater. To top off her outfit she wore an orange sunhat with a tinted visor built right in. On her feet were her green orthopedic shoes.


"I do look adorable, don't I Howie?"


"You sure do Sweetheart," answered Howard.


"Too bad I'm all dressed up for the golf outing and there won't even be any golf carts to ride around in."


Howard laughed as he pictured his wife dressed in her golf outfit, riding around the little golf course on a big golf cart. He kept his thoughts to himself thinking that all Mildred needed now was a bicycle horn and a squirting flower on her lapel and she would make a great clown. Her orthopedic shoes already fit the bill for big clown shoes. He caught himself before he started laughing. It probably was not something that he wanted to share with his wife at the moment. He doubted that she would see the humor in it.


"I'm glad you like it, honey because I got you a matching outfit. Go put it on so we can get going before it gets too late," said Mildred as she handed Howard the bag with the clothes in it.


"Oh, wow Sweetheart! How thoughtful of you, but I think my jeans and sneakers will do fine."


Mildred's face took on a look of real disappointment. She had been so excited for the two of them to be wearing matching outfits."


Howard noticed her look of disappointment immediately and quickly excused himself to go change clothes in the bathroom.


Once he was dressed, he got a look at himself in the bathroom mirror. "OMG!" he thought. He never worried nor cared how Mildred dressed because that was her and Myrtle's normal style. He fell in love with Mildred despite her choice of clothing style. The only reason that he was even thinking about going through with wearing it was the unconditional love that he felt for his loving wife.


Taking a deep breath and putting on a brave smile he entered the living room and modeled his outfit for Mildred.


Mildred was thrilled with their matching outfits and it showed by the smile on her face. Howard thought to himself about his desire to do his best to always keep that smile on her face. Suddenly, he wasn't near as upset over wearing the outfit as he had felt only minutes ago. Taking Mildred's hand in his, he kissed her on the cheek then led her out the door to go to their "golf outing."


The four of them met in the lobby to walk to the golf course together.


"What in the world are you two all gussied up for, Millie?" asked Myrtle.


"I'll have you know that we're wearing genuine golf attire," she answered.

"From what year, Tallulah?"

"What's that's supposed to mean? You're just jealous that you didn't think to dress appropriately for the occasion as we did.


Mildred had to admit to herself that she and Howard were the best-dressed golfers she'd ever seen.


"Ladies! Ladies! Please, let's not argue over who's wearing what. Let's just go play miniature golf and have some fun," suggested Jason.


Both girls stopped in mid-sentence. "Actually, the two of you look pretty spiffy dressed alike in your obviously politically correct clothing," Myrtle said patronizing Mildred.


"Thank you, Dearie," answered Mildred in a sugary sweet voice.

As they started walking toward the main deck, Jason held out his hand to Myrtle and said, "Come on Tallulah, let's go."

"Very funny, Heathcliff. Let's go," retorted Myrtle.

Howard noticed that they were getting stares from other people and he knew it was because of the way they were dressed. "Honey, people are staring at us," he said to Mildred.


"Yeh, I know. That happens to Myrtle and me all the time. People just know when they see good taste."


"Yeh, that must be it," said Howard.


Standing in line at the miniature golf course, "Howard told the man behind the counter that they would need four clubs and four golf balls,"


The man handed each their clubs and balls.


"I want the red one," said Myrtle after it had already been given to Mildred.


The man behind the counter explained that they were supposed to each have a different color in order to know what ball belonged to which person.


"I still want a red one, and besides what's the difference if we use the same color. How hard is it for you to give me a red ball?" asked Myrtle. "Do you get some kind of kickback for using certain colors a set number of times a day?"


"Of course not, but how will you know who wins the game at the end? It's easier to keep score when everyone has their own color," he replied.


"What? We gotta keep score? Oh, that's way too much unnecessary work," said Mildred. "We don't care who wins, just give her the red ball to shut the old woman up already."


"Who are you calling an old woman?" asked Myrtle.


"You, who else would I be calling an old woman? There's no one else here, except us and the ten people standing in line behind us waiting for their turn at the counter here. Just get on with it Myrtle, those people are beginning to look hostile."


Finally, the man gave Myrtle her red ball. Looking smug because she got her way, she replied, "Now, how hard was that?" as she walked away.


The first hole was simple. Hit the ball straight ahead and it looks like it would drop right in. Myrtle was up first. She laid down the ball and without even aiming she swung and it went down the green and right into the hole.


"WOOO HOOO! I got a hole in one!!" she yelled loud enough for everyone on the cruise ship to hear.


"Yes, you did, Sunshine! You sure did. Must be that red ball that did the trick," said Jason.


Myrtle smiled smugly. "Doesn't that guy know that the customer is always right? See, I knew what I was doing."


Mildred was up next. She put the ball on the ground and then surveyed the path ahead as though she was calculating which direction to approach the ball. Finally, she lowered her club then wiggled her butt. "I saw the golfers on television do that. I don't know why they do it except that it feels pretty good," laughed Mildred. Finally, she raised the club and swoosh the ball went flying through the air and right into the hole.


"I got a hole in one too!" yelled Mildred.


"Bless your little pea pickin' heart, you sure did," said Howard smiling at her.


"Your turn now. Let's see you get a hole in one. Come on, you can do it!" cheered Mildred.


Howard hit the ball sending it flying through the air. KERPLOP! The ball landed in the hole. "Easy peasy!" he announced as he bowed.


"You're up next, Jason," said Myrtle. "With your golfing expertise, you can probably get a hole in one with your eyes closed."


Jason strutted to the green and dropped the golf ball casually as if it was no big deal. He made a big production of surveying the green. He knelt down and pointed his golf club toward the hole as if marking the path that the ball would take in order to make a hole in one. He put his finger in his mouth, then held it up in the air to check the direction of the wind.

The gang stood silently, watching the meticulous way he was approaching this first hole. It was like watching Tiger Woods preparing for a PGA Tour. Slowly, Jason raised his club high in the air. With one sharp fluid movement, he lowered the club. It sliced through the air. And he totally missed the ball. His so-called friends burst out laughing. Jason's face turned bright red.


"I was just warming up. That was just a practice swing," said Jason.


"Yeah, yeah, sure it was," laughed Howard. "Maybe you should get down on your knees and use your golf club like a pool table cue. It might work better."


"Oh, shuddup you old fart! I can do this just fine, you'll see."
Jason once again took his stance. Hitting the ball, it flew through the air and landed five feet away from the hole. Jason let out a groan.


"Dammit! I can't believe I missed the dang hole! There must be something wrong with the green. Maybe there's a bump in it. Yeh, that's it," said Jason, "a bump. So it's not really my fault that I missed the hole."


"Yeh, right Jason. Too bad though, because now you have to play the ball where it is," teased Howard.


Giving Howard a nasty look, Jason picked up his club from where he'd thrown it. He putted the ball and it went past the hole again. The next swing he hit the ball too hard and it smacked the surrounding orange boards sending it flying through the air and landing halfway to the next green.


"*(*&%^()(*^!" exclaimed Jason. The three of them looked at Jason in disbelief. He used words that even they didn't know.


Jason looked at his friends with surprise on their faces. Then he looked a little further to see a family waiting for them to finish and move on to the next green. The parents looked at him with horror as the mother covered her young son's ears.


Jason turned beet red and Howard apologized to the young family for him.


"Don't bother to explain, as if I could even care! Just kindly keep the old man under control. Maybe you need to take him back to the home until he can keep his potty mouth in check," said the lady as she and her husband gathered their children and retreated out of the golf course the way they had come.


Jason looked miserable and embarrassed.


"Come on Honey, we know that isn't the kind of language that you normally use. It was just unfortunate that there were children behind us. Of all of the people on this entire ship, there are maybe a handful of younger guests with children. What were the odds that one of them would show up behind us? Let's just get on with the game," consoled Myrtle.


Solemnly they picked up their clubs and moved on to the next hole.


This hole had a waterfall that the ball had to jump over in order to get to the hole. The bridge that it needed to jump was only a few inches wide.


"This should be fun," said Howard. "There's hardly enough room on that ramp for the ball to jump over. If the ball lands in the waterfall, you have to go back and replay the entire hole. Geeeesh!"


This hole proved itself to be the most difficult one in the entire course. After several attempts and without any luck at all, they decided to skip that hole and move on to the next one.


This next stop was squiggly with a little island in the middle. The ball had to be hit just perfectly in order to make it past the obstacle in the middle and roll directly into the hole.

"Hey, Sunshine, you're up first," said Jason.

There was no answer and when he looked around, he didn't see Myrtle anywhere.


"Sunshine where are you, Myrtle?"


Jason called her name louder with panic in his voice.


"Quit your wallowing. I'm right here," said Myrtle.


Jason followed her voice to find out where "here" was. He found her sitting on the ground back at the last hole with her shoes off and her feet stuck under the little waterfall.


"Come on in! The water's fine," invited Myrtle as she wiggled her toes in it.

"Get out of there! We're gonna get kicked out of here!" whispered Jason.


"That's okay. I've been kicked out of better places than this," she replied.


"Myrtle, come on Sunshine, take your feet out of the water and come with me, please?" asked Jason.


"Oh, okay. Just for you, I'll brave the potentially fatal sunshine." As she was getting up, she started singing, "Every party has a pooper that's why we invited you, Party Pooper! Party Pooper."


Jason couldn't help but laugh at her. It seemed that no matter what life threw at this precious lady, she always had something to say and a smile that made his heart melt.


He reached out his hand to help her up and ended up tumbling to the ground beside her.


"Gee, thanks for dropping in. Told ya the water was fine, Babe.


Jason was laughing so hard, he could barely speak. Here the two of them were sitting in the middle of the miniature golf course and he felt like Gulliver from Gulliver's Travels waking up in Lilliput.


"Ahem, do you think we might have a chance any time soon to play this hole?" asked a gentleman who was standing there with his club in his hand and three other players with him.

"I'm sorry sir," apologized Jason, "I was trying to help the lady up and ended up down here myself."


"No worry," replied the man holding his hand out to Myrtle to help her up. "Are you okay, mam?" he asked.


"I'm fine, thank you, sonny. I'm right as rain."


Both Jason and Myrtle thanked the guy for being so understanding, then they headed off to the next hole to continue their game.


This hole was the one with the windmill. The hard part was that the hole was on the other side of the windmill blocking the view of where the hole was located.


They each tried their luck. Myrtle swung and the ball got stuck underneath the windmill. They tried hitting their balls underneath to push her ball out, but still it remained stuck. Jason got down on his hands and knees trying to retrieve it with his hand, but to no avail.


Getting back up from the ground, Jason encountered a very large man looking down at him. It was the man from behind the counter. He looked at Myrtle as to say that she could have given him a heads up that the man was there. Myrtle shook her head and shrugged her shoulders as if telling him that she hadn't had a chance.

"Are you quite finished tearing up my golf course, and scaring off my customers? There are people lined up waiting their turn to go through this hole. You guys have been on this same spot for almost half an hour and you're holding everybody up. People are complaining and I got an earful from the lady whose kids you traumatized with your foul language. Now kindly move on and just keep moving so you aren't tying up traffic here on the course any longer."


The four of them decided it might be for the best if they ended their golf outing since the whole game had been one mishap after another anyway.

They gathered their stuff and turned it in to the counter, Mildred looked like she was about to explode. She thought the proprietor was rather rude and was itching to give him a piece of her mind. Howard thought it best to get her out of there before she broke loose on him. He knew that if she did it would not be a pretty sight.


"There must be something better to do around here anyway," said Howard. As they were walking away, Jason saw Myrtle stick the red golf ball in her purse and he gave her a look of surprise.


"What? It's my souvenir," she told him.


As they walked around the ship, they found a bingo game in progress. Myrtle and Mildred were in their glory. They were surprised to find a bingo game on board and they immediately were drawn inside.


"Bingo! Bingo! Come try your luck with the numbers," shouted the barker out in front.


"You don't have to ask me twice, count me in," said Mildred as she wound her way through the tables looking for one big enough to spread out all the cards that they would be wanting to play. Myrtle was right on her tail.


Grabbing cards and markers, they were excited to hear that the payout for the cover-all game was $1,000.00 and that it hadn't been played yet. They would be playing it in about half an hour.


"Would you like something to drink, Sunshine?" asked Jason.


"Shhhh! Quiet! Don't talk, I need to be able to hear the numbers they're calling," said Myrtle as she turned up her hearing aid.


"Well, aren't you just a ray of sunshine?" teased Jason.


"Shhh!"


"I think she just shushed me," said Jason to Howard.


"I do believe you're right, old man," agreed Howard.


The guys just sat back to watch the old ladies play their bingo game. It was as though they had it down to a science. They would dab the number that the caller had just called and keep their hand poised in the air waiting for the next one. Up and down each card they went hunting for the numbers they hoped were there. Jason was blown away by the number of cards they each played at one time. They were both playing sixteen cards at once.


"BINGO!" someone called out signaling for the caller to stop because they had a winner. When the bingo was verified, Myrtle and Mildred both were mumbling under their breath, "Shit, shit, shit! I only needed one number but he called everything but it."


"Now, who has a potty mouth?" asked Jason.


"Oh no, Jason. It's the universal official name for Bingo when you don't win. It's not called Bingo anymore then. Now it's called "Oh Shit!" Myrtle and Mildred both found this quite amusing.


"Come on and play a couple of games with us," the girls suggested. "It will be fun."


The guys each grabbed several cards and began lining them up on the table in front of them.


"Hold on there, cowboy," said Mildred to Howard. That's a lot of cards to start out with, don't you think?"


"Nah, you girls make it look so easy, I'm sure I don't have to be a neurosurgeon just to dab ink on some papers. I'll be fine. Just watch your own cards and wait for me to yell Bingo."


"Yes, but do you know what you need to make a bingo?"


"Duh! Okay, you got some 'splainin to do Lucy," said Howard in his best Ricky Ricardo voice.


"Okay, first there is diagonal, horizontal, straight across, and up and down. There are four corners, and a V shape that can be right side up or upside down. They can even be a side V. There is the T game which is a top or bottom T and of course, there is the side T as well. There's also a postage stamp which is all four numbers in the corner of the card and can be in any of the four corners. There are the diamonds. A little diamond and a big diamond and let's not forget the X game. So, are you ready to play now?"


"Yeh," answered Howard, "as soon as my head stops spinning, I will be."


Neither Jason nor Howard could be swayed from playing so many cards at once. Even Myrtle and Mildred couldn't watch as many cards at one time as the guys thought they could.


The next game up was a B & O game where, of course, all the B's and all the O's must be covered to win.

"B 7," said the caller. "All of these cards and not one B 7," complained Howard. He was already sounding like a pro.

"O-70"
"B-14"
"B-4"
"O-72"
"Slow down!" said Howard as he was frantically trying to catch up. He was still looking for B-14 and the caller kept on calling.

"O-73"
"B-5"
"O-68"
"Help me, Millie! I'm totally lost."


"Calm down, you old geezer. We'll catch up."


Within seconds, Mildred had Howard's cards under control.


"BINGO!" yelled someone from another table.


"Damn, and I was so close too."


"How were you so close? You needed at least three numbers."


"Well, that sounds close to me," replied Howard.

"Yeh, but you need five total to win. That means you only had two numbers on your best card, you silly fool."


"Are you done playing now? Because you are making me nervous," said Mildred.


"Hell, no! I'm not quitting until I win some money."


Mildred sighed and rolled her eyes. "OK, but you have to watch your cards yourself because I can't watch mine and yours too."


"Don't worry, sweetheart, I've got this!"


The next game was the cover all game, the game everyone had been waiting for. The jackpot was $1,000.00. Players added more cards to play in order for a better chance to win so Howard added more cards in front of himself too.


The caller began and he was calling way too fast, but yet many were telling him to move faster. Beads of perspiration formed on Howard's face as he moved as fast as he could up and down the columns of his cards.


Sweat was dripping on his cards as he bowed his head right over the top of them, squinting his eyes to try to see better. The ink was actually starting to smear. The game seemed to go on forever.


"BINGO!" yelled Howard with excitement.


A loud groan came from the other players as they picked up their losing cards from the tables in front of them. Most discarded them in the trash cans by the exit doors. Some ripped them into shreds, taking out their frustration on them.


One of the Bingo workers came to check Howard's cards to be sure he had a legitimate bingo. The room was half empty and most cards had been destroyed when the worker realized that Howard did not have a winning bingo.



When it was announced that it had been a mistake, another groan could be heard. People started pushing their way back into the room and trying to rescue their discarded cards from garbage cans. Those who had ripped theirs up scrounged looking for cards that others had left behind figuring they might as well play them out.


If looks could kill, Howard would have been six feet under about then. They acted as if he had committed some kind of crime by making a mistake.


Finally, all was quiet as everyone waited for the game to resume. The next three numbers went by. "BINGO!" yelled Howard again.



People looked at him warily and nobody made any movement to leave waiting to see if Howard did or did not really have a bingo. The worker came once again to check Howard's cards. Unbelievable! He was wrong again.


"Just stop yelling Bingo!" yelled one little old lady. "If you can't keep up, don't play so many cards!"


Once again, the caller resumed the game only this time someone else was watching Howard's cards. The bingo worker stood right by his side as the caller continued.


"BINGO!" yelled the worker. "He's got a real bingo this time! Congratulations, sir," he said to Howard as he began counting the money out to Howard.



A collective applause went out from the crowd. Although they wished they had won the jackpot, it was nice to see that after all the embarrassment, that the gentleman had in fact finally won.


"Told ya I was going to win," bragged Howard.


"Yeh, you play bingo, as well as Jason, plays golf!"


"Hey, I resent that, Millie!" said Jason.


"Good," said Mildred, "you were supposed to."


"Yes, but at least I have all this money to show for my effort."


"Shuddup, Howard!" said Myrtle and Mildred in unison.


"Next time, Howard, you don't get to play," said Mildred. "In fact, next time we'll leave you at home!"


"Party Poopers!" said Jason.




Our honeymooners seem to be enjoying themselves on their cruise. In the next chapter, they are invited to dine at the captain's table. The poor captain may live to regret extending the invitation.
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