Hello. I... I am an ass. Yes, you read that right. I am an ass.

I really get the shitty end of the deal as far as body parts go. I am almost always cloaked, and thus, in constant suffocation. People lean on me, and sit with me against their seat. This causes me to become misshapen, squished and flat. It's not comfortable at all.

And speaking of "flat," can you say, "flatulence "? It reaches me first and remains with me for an extended period of time. It just floats around me and lingers, taking forever to dissipate. It's awful!

A long time ago when I was the ass of an infant child, that kid created amassive poopy. It was so disgusting. I was blanketed with a disposable diaper which, because of its plastic covering, was extraordinarily proficient at holding in the stench. The kid's parents knew the dookie machine was asleep, so I hung around, as if I had any choice, with stinky goo all over me and not a bit of fresh air. It seemed like hours before anyone came to remedy the situation. When they did finally notice the mess, they acted like they were suffering from the smell. I'd like to see them put that diaper over their heads and sit there like that for hours and hours. Fat chance of that happening.

Another difficult thing about my life is that people love to pinch and slap me for no good reason. A baby bites the dog's ear... Slap! A child climbs up the shelves in the grocery store... Slap! Someone thinks another person has a cute face... Pinch! If you think a person is so attractive, pinch their face. Leave me out of it.

One of my all-time favorite memories is when my person was around 12-years-old. Great Aunt Myrtle came to visit. Great Aunt Myrtle thought my person was extremely adorable. She kissed my person's face all over, and then she pinched those cheeks, but not my cheeks. She pinched the other ones. I loved that so much. I totally love Aunt Myrtle.

I am always the last one to enter a room. I never get to go first. In the "Hokey Pokey," I am also last. It is just very inconsiderate.

People have no respect for me, either, and they do not consider my feelings. When they think someone is acting foolish, they call them me. Can you believe that?! They call idiotic people "asses"? There is absolutely no resemblance between me and some sophomoric human. They should call those types of people an appendix or a pinky toe. Those body parts are at least useless. I am very useful indeed.

Have you thought about why a person tells someone to "kiss their ass "? They say it as if it is a bad thing. It is quite distressing and traumatizing when my person is upset with someone, and as a punishment, they want them to kiss me. It should be a privilege. I am soft. I'm really clean, as I am always covered and not touching a bunch of germ-infested objects. I am also pretty cute. So why would kissing me be reserved for those with whom my person is angry? Can you see why my self-esteem is low? I am in serious need of some serotonin reuptake inhibitor's or perhaps some dopamine.

And back to my worth. Without me, how would you make your jeans look good? Without me, where would a physician give you a shot? Without me, what would you wiggle when you are dancing? Are you going to go around and wiggle your elbow? I think not!

Oh my goodness! And there are these underwear called thongs. I don't even understand them. There is a tiny string that my person shoves into my crack. Every time they walk, my cheeks jiggle a little, and that string rubs me raw. If I must be constantly and consistently shielded with fabric, the least my person can do is not stick things between my cheeks.

That reminds me of a time a couple months ago. Apparently, there was a worldwide pandemic. For some ungodly reason, the pandemic virus caused a toilet paper shortage. My person ran out of toilet paper, and I heard them say that there was none left on any of the store shelves or on the Internet shopping sites. Do you know what my genius person did? Let me tell you. They used the pages of an old phone book to wipe me clean. That was rough. By the time my person found toilet paper again, I needed medical treatment. We made it all the way to the P's in the phonebook. "P" for "pain."

With all that said, I am begging you: be proud of your ass. Shake it. Wiggle it. Bare it. Let the whole world enjoy your ass. Let your ass enjoy the whole world. Asses everywhere deserve it.