Chapter 1
The Dark Spot

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Heated summer sandbars sings
Pools of warmth the crabs glee brings
Dancing diamond's green seas offer
While she waits in tides of copper.
Sun quivers on the horizon
Hangs before the collide risin'
Darkness creeps approaches proper
While she wakes in tides of copper.
Golden orb creeps down she weeps
Knowing now there's no retreat
Blood is all that flows in coffers
While she waits in tides of copper.
Hello again all of you! 
I feel grateful today!
Grateful my friends here were so kind as to offer support compassion and empathy. All valuable and wonderful things to receive as it all falls under the category of belief.
A precious gift for one such as me!
I took a drive this morning with my dog. The sun bowed once more to the horizon as she sped across the sky. It's cool and clean and crisp.
The passenger window on my car staying down permanently inviting the cool breeze to come and wrap me in its frosty arms.  It was invigorating really.  
I want to tell the world the path to freedom is not where we were, it's not where we're going. It's here and it's now. It's a gift we give ourselves on a daily basis.
I'm going to take you back now.  Back in time.  Back to the girl I was. Back to the home I ran from and back to the reality that was....all that time ago.

"Get out of that house! Get out now and don't come back!" P yelled.

Then the phone slammed down. I stood there bewildered for a moment until I heard a slurred male voice,

"Who's here?! Is it one of you whore girls?!" Get your fucken ass over here when I call you!" The man of the house bellowed.

I froze.  I've been down this rage road before.

My heart stutter stopped as my mind switched gears. I used quiet feet to lightly move down the hall toward the bedroom.

Inside I found a clear plastic bag in the drawer of the dresser. I quickly stuffed my small amount of clothes  as fast I could in the bag. I opened the door a crack and took a quick peak down the hall. All clear. I slipped through the door and went silently down the hall.

"Gwab ya asss!" His loud gibberish barreled down the hall toward me, his words much louder.  Speech quite slurred. 

It caused me to jump and bang up against the wall.

Once again I froze. I could hear things falling down. Him bellowing like a bull! I could hear the thump of the walls as he bounced off of them.

His voice blurbed  out another drunken bellow.

"ggurt vrac heea!! Knu ya dere!!

I bolted to the back door. Pulled open the door, took off down the stairs and out of the yard to the street.

I didn't look back for a second. I kept going not slowing my pace. In no particular direction, I kept going. My heart was broken. So short a time for peace.

My tears mixed with the rain pounding down around me. It bounced off the pavement like tiny rubber balls. The night closed in around me as I slowed my pace to a fast walk. The night was even darker without the stars and the moon.

I stopped.

"Get a hold of yourself!" I thought angrily.

There was a large recreational about an hours walk from where I was. Turning I headed toward it.

The rain came down harder. I was drenched to the core and to the bottom of my feet. I tried to turn my mind to what to do next.

I was shocked, heartbroken and couldn't think. I just continued to slog my way to the park. Finally the rain tapered to sprinkles and then stopped altogether.

Entering the park I picked a lesser used trail and wandered up it. I was looking around for a dry area when I saw a flickering light.

I followed the light picking my way through the brushes. I could see through the trees what looked like two homeless people, a man and a woman, sitting around a small fire with an old grill on top.

Two cans of something cooking in it. I couldn't see it from where I was. I was about to turn and leave by the same way I came when the woman spoke up and exclaimed, "Hey who's that?" The man turned to look.

"I'm sorry." I said. "I didn't mean to disturb you. I'll just go."

"Girl, you look like you showered in piss water and were put in swampers clothes!" The woman said.

I just looked at her with moon eyes. "Well, come get yerself dry.  Can't turn you out lookin like that." Said the man waving me in.

Carefully looking around, I walked inside the perimeter of their camp. A couple of cheap fold out chairs and a cot.  Behind that was their small tent. 

So reminiscent of my own time in the forest. I chose a fold out chair and sat stretching my hands towards the fire.

"Thank you." I said quietly.

"Figure, we got nothing worth stealing. Looks like you don't have anything worth stealing either. Might as well sit round the fire and have some fellowship." The woman said.

"You and your fellowship." The man said. "I don't see a lot of fellows around here." The woman chuckled and waved him off.

I shivered and moved closer to the fire. "Have a snort of this." The man said. "It'll warm up yer gullet in a hurry." He produced a bottle that said "Brandy".

"Honey, put another can on for the girl. She looks famished." I declined the brandy but happily accepted the can of stew.

"It's all right girl, one pull of the Brandy aint gonna kill ya". Yeah, you'll just warm up that's all. You'll thank me for it."I looked at the woman.

"Don't worry, it's not that swill the others make. That comes from the liquor store uncracked before us.  It's ok." She replied. Reluctantly I took the bottle. Unsure, how much I should take, I just let it touch my lips.  "Come on now, girl, get yourself a good mouthful and swallow it whole. Don't be shy." The man said. So I up ended the bottle and filled my mouth and drank it down quick.

The next thing I felt was the sensation of absolute fire. From the top of my mouth all the way down to the bottom of my tummy. I was roasting! I let out a gasp to which the couple both chuckled. But he was right I was warm!

"Well if you're gonna be sipping my Brandy we'd better introduce ourselves."

The woman told me her name and passed me a can of stew and a mostly clean plastic spoon and then I told her mine. After that the man introduced himself and said "Welcome to our humble abode."  Now I was feeling very cozy, warm and I actually relaxed. I knew I shouldn't. I knew I should be vigilant but my body seemed to have a mind of its own.

Slowly, fighting it all the way, I had begun to fall asleep...I knew I was going but I just couldn't stop it. I vaguely recalled someone drape something over me...

I slowly slipped away....

I remember that night, like it just happened.  Running from the house and down the street. Into the park. That house...all too reminiscent of where I'd just come from.  
I have escaped once again, tired of having to run and escape all the time. A fundamental change was required.
That was then this is now now. I feel now a little bit drained, a little bit satisfied, a little bit shaky.
I still feel like I sucked on a helium balloon....ð???

Author Notes This chapter is part of an Auto bio book two of a trilogy. This one is called Spectre. Books 1 (Ghost) and 2 can be found in my portfolio. If you wish to read. Please note, some chapters are disturbing and can be difficult to read. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 1

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Bare of feet and fleet of foot
Dirt of hands and face of soot 
Heart of pain soul in twist
Born of hate the mallet fist
Bust the chains of silent fear 
Embrace the light of hope so near.
Grasp the rope with freedoms grip 
Fear and shame his plant I rip
I have enjoyed a wonderful feeling this day. A fabulous gift that no others were able to give so selflessly and with such understanding.
I must turn my mind back now to the task at hand.
She's still back there and I can't leave her alone.
I'm coming to a place in my life which is most difficult for me to talk about above and beyond the abuse I took. 
I think about the time when I made the biggest set of mistakes I could ever make.  I feel the shame of it even today. To not talk about it would leave a fundamental part of the effects of abuse out of this story.  
I'd be cheating myself and the reader of the story of harsh realities that can and do happen. 
So stay awhile...let's talk.  She's waiting...

I woke cold and stiff, still sitting up in that fold out chair. Someone draped a piece of old canvas on me as I slept which I then put aside. They were gone...the old fire smoking a little bit and on a rock beside it sat an apple and a small piece of paper tucked just under.

"We move around alot. The street's no place for a girl.  Good luck." The note said.

The night before came back to me. That big swig Brandy that knocked me out. Although my muscles were aching and I had a crick my neck I seemed to be ok.  At least I was dry.

I was able to think about the problem of where to go. The shock of the night before had worn off and the cobwebs had cleared.

I decided to walk back toward the house just to see what was going on and what the temperature check was there.

She did say not to come back. But, maybe she just meant for the night. I didn't know. She did tell me to get my clothes though. I bit into the apple and started to retrace my steps.

The sun was out shining its bright fiery face. It's warmth invigorated and enveloped me. A sharp contrast from the night before. 

Blue bells curtsied to the honey bees and opened their doors.  Beauty could never be contained even if all is ruined around it. I stole those moments to calm myself, bring a rhythm to my step. Warming rays banished my aches and pains to return me to pavement. Making my way up the side walks, people cast their glances on me. Not all of them pleasant. A bit like I was a refugee often overcrowded boat. 

I approached the house from the rear side street rather than from the front. I didn't know what to expect so better safe than sorry. Approaching the house I noticed a white cube van yellow tape pulled down that crossed the driveway.  I could see people coming and going from the house taking furniture, boxes and miscellaneous items then loaded them onto the truck. I didn't recognize the people at all. I took a chance and walked toward the yellow tape catching the attention of one of the men.

"Hi." I said. "Do you know the whereabouts of the people that lived here?"

"Nope, just told to come here pack and load. Sorry". He replied.

"Ok, thank you." I said while walking away. 

"Now what?" I thought."

A light went on. Before I came back to the house the night before, I was visiting a high school friend not far from here.

"Maybe she has some ideas." I thought.

There was nothing else to do I had to try. Coming to her house I walked up a few short steps and knocked on her screen door. Knocking one more time she cracked open the door. She looked a bit sleepy.

"Hey, what's up?" She asked."

"Can I come in and talk to you?" I asked.

"Um ya sure, come on in. You'll have to be quiet though. Mom works nights."

"Ok, no problem thanks." I answered.

"Want something to drink?"

"Sure"I said. "Thanks.  I'll just have what your having."

She popped the cap and passed me a coke. I told her how I ended up in that house And a bit about what happened before.

"Now I have no where to go. I don't know what to do." 

She thought about it for a minute.

"If I try to bring you in Mom will loose it. She doesn't like people." My heart fell like bricks.

"I did say she works nights though.  I'll sneak you in. There's space under the stairs. I'll put an air mattress in there give you a blanket and pillow. You'll have to stay in there when's she's home." My face sagged with relief. My body stopped quivering and my fingers stopped knotting themselves.

"Really? Thank you so much." I said.

"Tonight we're going out". She announced. "I'm going to show you a new way of keeping a roof over your head."

I wasn't so sure I liked the sound of that....

So a different page is turning for me then as one is for me now.
I'm not a shining gem. I've made plenty of mistakes. I stumbled through life blindly feeling my way along.
I look back on those mistakes and see them for what they were. Many would not. It doesn't change what happened.  Not my actions or my feelings about it.  It is a by product of systematic abuse. Physical and mental manipulation. How I saw and felt about myself was carved by them.
How do I feel today right now? Happy that I have friends that will hear me. Sad that I must point out all the things about this subject. Not just the ones that make me look courageous or smart but the bads one too.  The full picture, a well rounded view of tangled emotions, brain washing and decisions made of desperation and conditioning. 
Once more into the mire that was.  Wear galoshes. 

Author Notes This chapter is part of book two an auto bio called Spectre. This and the first book called ghost can be found in my portfolio if you wish to read. One note of caution. Some chapters are difficult to absorb. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 2
The Other World Pt1

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Stuffed and filled with empty guilt
Actors love my soul does wilt.
Naivete they took from me
Harsher world all I could see
Use of lust for safetys sake 
My heart my mind my love did take.
Lost I was in sexual hate
Come for me and don't be late.
I awoke today to another shower of sunlight. These days it's more likely I'll wake with a smile instead of a frown. Leaning on my window sill, sipping my coffee I looked out into the backyard. My breath on the air same as it would be on the outside, causes me to turn on my little heater.
I watched my dog Spirit timidly walking across the frozen yard. She paused at every step pulling her paws up into the air, making it clear she did not want to make contact.
The winter chickadees flitting about between trees borrowing shelves of air seemed to distract her a little but not enough for her to venture further. 
Calling her in, I walked toward my PC. 
The monitor seemed to wink at me encouraging me to write even though what comes is far from pretty.  The admission of hard truths. Things that I don't wish to look at except I must.  Because guilt and shame are the two most toxic emotions there are. They provide no solutions, they fixed no problems, they create no positive actions, they just make the wheel go round and round. Toxic.
It's time to go back, no more room for procrastination. The tale must be told and whatever comes of it, it's as it should be. 
Action reaction, push shove, give take.
More give really....

" You can come out now. Mom's gone to work." My friend E said.

"Ok cool." I was feeling cramped after a few hours under the stairs. I came out of the closet bent my back to relieve some stiffness, then walked into the kitchen. "Sit down." she said and served me up some noodle soup and grilled cheese.  It was the best meal in what I've had in like forever.

"Milk?" She asked.

"Yes please." I replied. 

I always thought milk to be the nectar of the gods.

"So we're going to the club tonight."We'll have a couple drinks and check out the situation."

"What situation?" I thought. "Uh, I don't have any money." I said. "Don't worry about it.  I take it from mom." She replied. 

I stared at her, repeated her statement while I raised an eyebrow.

"Ya," she said. "I just go into her wallet and take it.  She doesn't care. If she does, she doesn't say anything." E said.

"Isn't the club a bar? Aren't we a bit under age?" I asked.  "

Don't worry about that. I got that covered too. Just get in the shower 'cause you look grim. When you're done, we can go through my closet. You can wear something decent." I did exactly as she asked. Not to do so, at that point, would risk having no roof over my head.  I was used to following orders though, so I reacted as I always have and went to the shower. 

I confess the shower did feel marvelous. It was nice to be clean, have food in my tummy and then get to put on her fluffy house coat.

A strange feeling of uneasiness came over me. I was going to be paying for this privilege sooner rather than later.

Coming out of the shower, I looked around and saw what I assumed was a bedroom standing open. Padding down the hallway, I peaked in the room and saw my friend rifling through her closet. 

She turned, "Oh shit. Hey come in.  Sorry, I'm used to being alone."

"I know the feeling." Responding with sincerity. She smiled and said, "Ok, so I picked you out an outfit. Try it on." She passed me a small black skirt and a black shiny top, button up. Translucent in its thinness.

"Doesn't look like a lot of material here." I thought to myself.

I slipped on the outfit and looked in the mirror.  "Holy!"I thought. In the mirror was an attractive young woman/girl. Dark hair and light blue eyes looking back at her. The skirt was too short for my liking. Midthigh. The shirt looked like it would blow away in a gentle breeze. I felt a bit naked. I wasn't used to wearing these kinds of clothes. I walked out of the bathroom feeling a bit embarrassed.

"Well, look at you. She smiled.  "There's a real live female underneath all that grime! C'mon sit down. You need a little war paint and a some curl in your hair."

"War paint?" I asked.

"Make up silly." She replied.

"Oh." I said.

With a skillful hand she worked on my face. The girl I was suddenly transformed into something different. Something older, something no longer childish.

A woman peered back at me from the mirror.  Far from the ugly girl my step father said I was.

A pair of high heels, a little big, but fit alright and a leather jacket completed the look. 

She too looked transformed from a regular high school student into someone resembling a lovely woman.

She called us a cab and ten minutes later we were standing in front of a club with a big pink flamingo flashing bright. The building on my left had a big lit sign with black letters that said,

"Live Nude Girls!" "As apposed to what?" I thought. "Dead ones?" Sometimes signs are stupid.

I could see my friend talking to two men by the door underneath the big pink flamingo. The three of them turned to look at me and then started to walk over. The one man kept advancing on me and butted his way into my personal space backing me up against the wall. His body was pushed up against mine, both hands on either side of my head. "How are you doing pretty lady?"

"Fine if you'd get off me." I responded my eyes wide with fear. 

He glowered, one hand slipping to my throat. Applying slow pressure he said, "I don't like smart mouth girls." Pushing himself tighter against me. 

"Think it's in your best interest to be nice to me." He growled.  "Do you get that little miss Moffett?"

Click click.  "Let her go."  

One bit at a time this story will come out...a feeling of emptiness comes upon me. Happens when I have to write a particularly dark period of my life. Worse when I lived it.
Bare with me while I carefully navigate the section one chunk at time.
For now, let us let sleeping dogs lie.
Tripping the light fantastic....

Author Notes This story is part of an ongoing auto bio called Spectre, book two in the series. Book one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio should you wish to read. Please note, a word of caution. Some chapters are hard to absorb reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 3
The Other World Pt2

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Drift and float the dark mans oath
Slick and slow not one but both
Trust he said, I'll leave you be
Alarm bells ring smiles down on me
Disguised the truth with caramel lies
Believe the word which quickly dies
Searing pain was his reward
For bloody love a stabbing sword.
Sometimes when thinking of serious things I find I need to turn my thoughts to something simple like; brush your teeth, comb your hair, let the dog out or sweep the floor.  
The art of distraction was something required when running through painful memories in my mind. This far no farther and then I must stop. 
Someone said "keep it simple stupid".
Now comes the writing of the night that never ended. I confess I feel fear and nervousness.
So I set myself out there as I truly am to speak of this part of my life I'd much rather forget.
I went and stood outside and the crispy air this morning. Breathed in the clean icyness allowing the coolness to wash over me.
It takes down some of the heat my mind produces and disperses the rest in written word.
OK...I'm ready now.
I think....

"I said let her go." Click click.

I could see something black spinning around in the air as I looked just over this creepy man's shoulder.

"Cmon baby," The creep said. Tell him to fuck off then it's just you and me."


The end of a numchuck hit the creep right between the shoulder blades.

He jerked and backed off.

"What the fuck man!" Roared the creep.

"I told you to back off." Said the sandy haired man holding numchucks in his fist.

"You should try saying hello first ya sex maniac!" The numchuck man said. 

The creepy man grumbled and walked away.

He looked at me and said, "Cmon over here, we'll go in and you can sit with us. You too E assuming your together." He said to my friend. 

She gave him a half smile and said "Yes we are thanks K." 

"They know each other." I thought as I approached on  shaky legs. E, K and one other younger, dark haired man who seemed very interested in my friend, said hello to me with a small distracted wave.

"Don't mind him.  He's a drooler." K said."Let's smoke a joint before we go in." My friend suggested.

I was more than just nervous now, I was shaking. I didn't know what to do or what to say. Where to put my hands? How to behave? Should I say yes or no? I just didn't know so I did the only thing I could. That was follow my friend.

A pungent aromatic smell came through the air. Thick, a slight hint of moth ball smell mixed in. I've seen people smoke weed before just hadn't tried it. The joint came round to me.

"Smoke it like a cigarette." my friend said. "Just don't take big drags."

I put the joint gingerly between my lips and took a couple small drags. The smoke exploded from my lungs and I hacked my brains out. When I finally stopped coughing I could see the other three were laughing at me.

"I told you not to take big drags she said laughing. "That's enough for you I think." She said chuckling.

I noticed K was rubbing my back.  We around the corner and joined the line up for the club. I started to have this very euphoric feeling. I felt myself relax. My mind seemed to "unclench" itself. I started to giggle. The giggling kept going then the other three started giggling with me.

"Oh shit!" K said. "Now we're gonna giggle all night."

"Do they have food in there?" I asked.

They started to laugh aloud this time.  I joined them.

"What's so funny about that?" Giggling anyway.  This just made them laugh louder.

"You got the munchies!" My friend said. "You're totally stoned!"

"I'll get you something to eat." K said chuckling along with the others.

The line starting moving up. We reach the door and I wondered if they would let me in given I was underage.

"She's with me." K said to the bouncer while we walked by.

Inside loud rock was playing. Bright colored light spun on it's axis, a strobe light fixed to the ceiling created a flash like a camera going off. On the stage a band was setting up to play.

A waitress came round for our drink order.

K looked at me and asked. "What'll you have?

"I don't know what are you having?"

"Rum and coke." He replied.

Ok I'll have that" I said.

He ordered the drinks plus a plate of deep friend zucchini and a plate of chicken wings.

I gave him a grateful look and said "Thank you."

He just smiled, put his hand on my thigh and patted it. The band started to play and I was mesmerized! I'd never been in a place like that before! The food came and I ate as if I hadn't eaten in a week. The others watched me and chuckled and ate as well.

The dancing carried on, the band kept playing, people laughing, hugging and kissing. Seemed like a haven to me. A place where one could blow off steam!

All evening long K never left my side. Very attentive and a little touchy feely but there showing me interest.

The world began to spin, things started to look blurry.

"Probably because they won't stand still!" I thought. Giggling out loud.

"The bars closing. "We're going to K's place to party. Let's go!" My friend said.

The four of us piled into K's old Pontiac Parisienne. Soon we pulled into a gravel driveway and walked into a small bungalow. I staggered more than walked while K held me up. I was very drunk and the world kept spinning faster making my stomach unhappy.  "Your bathroom?" K pointed past the kitchen. "Just go down the hall, it's on the end." I staggered to the bathroom using the wall to hold me up. I shut the bathroom door and promptly vomited all the contents of my stomach.  Laying down on the floor the tiles felt cool so I stayed there. The next thing I remember is being put in a bed. A while later I vaguely recall someone taking my cloths off.

The lights out went out anyway.

Until they weren't.... 

My heart's beating a staccato in my chest. It always does when I recall hard memories. When this happens, I take deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth.  I'm shutting a little bit but none of this is bad per se because I know where it's headed and I know the meaning behind it.
So my reaction to these things is not as powerful as it once was.
I will continue until the barrel is empty....
One more walk out into the frosty brightness. Then I will sit down again.
Until there's nothing left to say....

Author Notes This story is part of an auto bio called Spectre. It's part of a 3 part series. The first book called Ghost. They can be found in my portfolio. If you wish to read a note of caution, some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 4
The Other World P3

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of sexual content.

Slip cover lies innocence lost
Blood and pain to cover the cost
Torn I was from naiveté
knowledge did not set me free 
Twist and bind my insides torn.
My greatest wish to not be born
So here I am in stupidity never more shall I be free.
The girl I was will never be me
In those days I was under the stupid impression that if a guy desired me, then he must love me too.
How dumb and naive was that? Hell, I was so naive. Someone asked me how far I've gone I said I walked to the movies once. Another guy patted my ass I turned around and kicked him in his ass!
How am I feeling?
Shame, quilt, sadness and regret.  From a world of no love at all, any kindness in my direction won me over.
So much to know, so much to do, so much to understand, I understood nothing. The only thing I knew was pain, survival and how to get away. I shake my head at the stupidity of the time. How easy it was to manipulate me. I blamed myself because I was the only one there.
I knew about pain. I knew about survival. And I knew about having to do what needed to be done.  I knew nothing of love to my mind it was a foreign entity.
How am I?  Full of trepidation of what I became and what I did to do to come back to myself.
Know what? I think it's time for another walk in the chill.
Be still my shaking hands to write what's coming next.

My hands. My hands were numb and it was trickling down my arms.

Someone had tied them to the bed posts. Then I felt hands on my ankles. They too were tied to the bottom bed posts too. I was trying to come to as my mind was singing with warning.

"It's okay honey, I like it this way." The mans voice said.  It was K.

I struggled more but I was weak  because I was still half drunk. 

"Your thirsty." he said. "Drink this." He gave me something that tasted like honey and had a weird chemical aftertaste. "What was that?" I slurred. "Untie me." "Take it easy beautiful, just relax."

I realized I was naked and renewed my struggles which didnt last long. Whatever he gave me made me sluggish then I lost consciousness all together.   I woke once to searing pain between my legs. Then I was out again. The next thing I remember is my friend shaking my shoulder.

"C'mon, we gotta go. Cabs on the way."

I groaned and rolled over noticing I was not tied anymore. Glancing beside me I saw K sleeping soundly. A quiet snore emitted from his lips.

Then it all came back. A dull roar between my legs made its presence clear.  I scrambled from the bed. K rolled over and grumbled.  I waited a moment as he went back to snoring. Quietly I got out of the bed while my friend gathered my clothes. My head was spinning, my body hurting but I was able to quietly shut the bedroom door on my way out. I put on the clothes, my friend helped me as my equilibrium was was sporadic. The cab arrived and we fell in. "We need to get back before my mother does. She'll loose it if I'm not home." I barely registered what she said. My head spun, my mouth was paste combined with a burning pain between my legs.

"What the hell happened?" I asked.

"You got laid, that's what happened." She said.

"What do you mean, I've never been "laid" as you put it before.

"Why didn't you tell me you were a virgin?" She asked.

"Didn't think I needed to." I replied.

"Let's get you back. You can rest then have a bath when mom goes to work." I fell asleep in the cab and was woke when we arrived. Staggering I went directly into the closet under the stairs and went immediately to sleep.


Dreaming.. I was being chased.

It was him...his iron fist followed me as fast as I could run. It pounded on my head while his words flashed through my mind. "Slut, whore, ditch pig, useless witch!" My stepfathers voice echoed through my dreams repeating over and over again while his fist chased me larger than life.  The faster I ran the faster he came.  Every room. Every door I went to was closed to me. I turned to face him. He rushed up to me and put his hand on my throat squeezing. Harder and harder saying "You don't deserve to live. You don't deserve to live at all. You should die and you should do it right now.  Unless you'd rather be my slave. Hahaha!" he roared as his fist descended on my head while his foot kicked me in the stomach.

"C'mon slut, it's time for you to be one."

Lower and lower his face descended to mine. I screamed and my eyes popped open. I started to sob.

I sobbed and I sobbed until I had nothing more left within me. I thought, I'll never be free.


I cast my mind to that time and know what follows. All that was innocent within me died.
There is no funeral for someone's innocence. There is no reprisal, there is no retribution. There is no give and take. Just simply take. Nothing more. 
I know intellectually that what was done was not of my doing. But, I put myself in that place.
I placed myself in that man's arms. I took the drinks. I smoked the weed and drank the drugs he gave me.  All because I thought he wanted me and want must be acquainted to love.
Can you say bone head? I must take my mind out of that place now and return to myself. To stay too long could be a trap and I will not risk all I've become to go back there.
Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. I return to myself knowing that these memories are in the past. But they are until I pick them them up and put them in the box with everything else.
And...let it all be done....

Author Notes The story is from an auto bio called Specter book 2 of the series. Book one is called Ghost and can be accessed through my portfolio. If you wish to read. Please note, some chapters are difficult to absorb. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 5
The Void

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Trip and slip the bleeders call
Skip and clip the wound gives all.
Scratch and cut my life blood flows
Without the love then nothing grows
Pinch and slap then tie the limb
Body aches inside it's grim
Taken flesh burns and twists
What is best? The rape or fists?
The hardest part at this point in my life, I wrote and yet more needs to be said.  I feel on the one hand, drained empty and a little scared with a dash of hope too. It's a strange mix really.
We continue to be cold and clear here on the coast which is not normal in rainforest country. I imagine it too will break and rain will follow. Snow is now not the norm. We may get a skiff some winters and others, nothing. Snow flakes have the most intricate designs and uniquely themselves. No one flake is the same. I like to watch them come slipping down. They're like feathers on the air swaying back and forth drifting towards ground for a gentle landing.  Like watching the flames of a fire, mesmerizing.  
It's time to go back again. Time to go back to her...she's curled in a ball in the closet underneath the stairs. 
Let's see her...let's visit her next choices or lack there of. 
I wish I could say that was over, but it wasn't. 
She's seek the din and welcomes the void....

I woke to the sound of my friend's voice.

"You can come out now. She went go work."

I looked down upon myself. Barely registered that I was still in the clothes I had yesterday. My ankles and my wrists felt sore A low throb between my legs still held purchase there. I came out of the closet and asked,

"Please, may I bath? I have to bath.

"Fer sure. You know where it is." E replied.

I went into the bathroom and turned on the tap water as hot as I could stand it. My eyes were strangely dry as if I cried every tear I possessed. My heart and my mind were numb. I checked my feelings...nothing except the express need to wash myself. I pealed everything off as quick as I could, almost as if the clothes were made of acid. I stepped into the steaming water and sat down. I felt the sting of the water as it washed over my nether regions. I grabbed the bar of soap and began to scrub. Hot water turned my skin pink and the vigorous rubbing turned it red. Gingerly, I washed my private area and then wrapped my arms around me knees and began rocking in the water. I looked down at my wrists and noticed the bruises circumferenced my wrists.  My ankles showed similar marks as well. Slowly but surely, I retreated into my mind allowing my body to be a living automaton.

Finally I was in the void. There I'll stay until the pain leaves.

I don't know how long I sat there rocking. Outside myself, someone was talking to me. It was E. 

"The water's getting cold. You gotta get out of there. You've been in there for over an hour and I need to use the toilet."

I continued to rock back and forth.  E started to shake my shoulders until finally, I turned my head to look at her.  She looked like a beautiful demon.

"Alright." She said. "Let's get you out and dry you off."

The tub drained out the whirlpool of last night as she dried me off and put me in her house coat.

"I was gonna say we have to go out tonight, but I don't think you're up for it. We'll have to go tomorrow night though." E said.

Her words sounded just like Lucy on Charlie Brown.

"Bwa ba bwa bwa bwa."

That was all I heard. She steered me into the kitchen sat me down and passed me a bologna and lettuce sandwich with a glass of milk. "Eat up." She said. "You need to refuel."

I slowly nibbled on the sandwich. All I tasted was cardboard. 

I knew E was talking to me but all the words jumbled together until I heard her say,

"Look, I get last night was hard on you. I didn't know you were a virgin or it wouldn't have been like that. I thought you were willing."

I just stared at her. What could I say to something like that? I could stare at her or I can freak out and we know what the latter does.

"I'll call the guys and tell them you need the night off." E said.

"Call the guys? The night off?  Wha...?" I thought.

Then I slipped back into myself again.

"Ok." E said. "You looked wasted. Think you should go back to bed. Just don't come out until I call you."

She passed me a small bucket.

"Just in case." She said.

Docile, I crawled into the closet under the stairs. There I sat rocking back and forth for what may have been five minutes or five hours.

I just didn't know nor cared. At some point I fell asleep and slipped onto my side.  Here it came! Nightmares....A man inside me!  My stepfather slammed his giant fist into my head over and over. There is no control over panic or fear. In my dream, I curled up into a ball. My stepfather kicked me over and over along with K his new helper. This was a new addition to an old but powerful nightmare. The new feature in my dark dream. My eyes popped open and saw...nothing. Not even my hands in front of me.

My face was wet. I was crying. My feelings were back to my relief. Although I'm still separated somewhat from myself, I was, at least, coming back. I fell asleep again and this time, mercifully free of dreams.

The nightmare never goes away though... but this time, it's waiting for me to wake....

Now I feel tired. I admit that.  I feel tired and I also admit to some recurrences of the old nightmare visiting me of late.
This is not unexpected. These are things I knew would happen along the way. So I take a deep breath and I wait for it to pass. Usually works unless my dream is prophetic, then there's no such thing as's a non entity. 
Finally, I'm laying back now. Considering this chapter as it's written.
I'm looking for spelling errors. Although my punctuation isn't the best.
My writing just flows sometimes faster than I can keep up. 
Remember what you wish for....

Author Notes This story is part of an autobio called Spectre book two of the series. Book one is Ghost and can be found on my port folio if you wish to read. A word of caution, some chapters are heart to digest. reader discretion. Is advised.

Chapter 6
The Grey

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

The silence of the night followed me throughout the house.  My feet kept pace with my mind as I walked around in circles from the outside of the house into the house proper. I stirred up old ghosts today. They continue to tap on my shoulder with a "pay attention to me" kind of attitude. I think they only fade and not truly leave. They sort hang around and wait for an opportunity.  I ignore them as best I can. 
I wish I could say my life went on didn't. Everything came the hard way until I finally learned my own life lessons that should have been taught to me as a child.
I just received word of the latest injustice my mother has done.  She involved my youngest son. She told him terrible things. Now he's sent me an email. He doesn't want anything to do with me and
I've been cut off, no contact with my grandchildren at all. 
He does not understand my mother. I never told him how deceitful my mother is or all the terrible things I grew up with. I did tell him to take things that he hears from her with a grain of salt. 
Now, my tears are running like rain. I wonder what my limit is for pain? Do I really need to find out? 
I cannot allow any of this to defeat me or bring me down. Nothing and no one will have that power over me ever again.
If I must live alone with no one in my life, then I will. So I can remain standing. I know myself when I'm hurt. I cry, for hours sometimes. Right after the sob session, I'm angry and my anger steers me forward every time.
I must dry my tears now... I cannot live down all the things she has done to me, all the terrible charactor assassination she has inflicted. Now she involves my own son who in turn involved my own grandchildren. 
Perhaps I should have bashed my parents throughout their growing up. I just couldn't do it. I didn't want my problems to be theres. Saying anything at all would have just made the wheel go round to pass to yet another generation.
As for the dark...I know longer fear it. 
Only what hides that's scary!

"Hey...can you hear me in there? Are you okay? Can you answer?"

It was E of course.  Her voice finally brought me round.

"Ya, I'm okay. Im coming out." I said.

"Hurry up! We gotta get ready!" She said.

"Ready for what?" I asked.

"I told you. Only one night off." She replied.

"One night off for what though? I didn't realize we were working on something. So what's going on?" I demanded. 

"I told you. I'm teaching you a new way of doing things. A way to keep a roof over your head." Be independent!" She answered. "I mean you can't stay here forever. Mom will find out eventually. So let's get this done so I don't have to worry about you."

"Worry about me? She wasn't too worried the other night" I thought. But I just said, "Ok, tell me what you want me to do."

"All we do is entertain men. Talk with them, dance with them, party with them. Make them feel special.  Men pay for that.""Why?" I asked.

"I dunno...lonely I guess. Maybe they don't know how to pick up girls...who knows. I don't really care myself as long as they pay." E said. 

"How much was my virginity." I thought but said nothing.

"Let's go." she said. "Times getting short. I'm going to teach you how to do your own make up and hair too but, not today. Tomorrow we'll have more time. Besides, I won't be around forever and you'll need to know."

She picked an outfit for me. A pink affair with fabric almost translucent. It flowed like water around me when I moved. She put my hair up this time, with small sections hanging down. Dangling  gold earrings combined with with smokey makeup,completed the look.

Once again, a woman stared back at me from the mirror. Someone I didn't know, someone I didn't recognize.

"It's just as well." I thought. "This woman can deal with it. I can just hang out inside." 

"Cabs here!" E shouted. Getting into the cab, E gave instructions to the cabby to take us to the same club we were at the night before last.

I started to panic. "The same place?" I asked.

"Yes, but we go to other places too. Generally we start there though." She answered. "Not the same guys either." She said. "New prospects tonight."

The cab arrived at the club took care of the fare and there I was.  Standing in the same area we were in the other night. Across the lot I saw K. He was not alone. A petite blonde girl was encased in his arms.

I thought, "Thank God he's otherwise occupied."

"Hey!  E baby. We're over here!"

I looked in the direction of the voice as E waved at them. "C'mon." E said and started to walk toward the two men...As we walked we passed K. I gave him a "how could you do this?" look.

The blonde girl whispered in his ear.

"Don't worry about it." K answered. "They're just the local sluts."

I don't know what possessed me. I walked over to K and slapped him hard across the face. "Fuck you asshole!"

"You know you won't make it in this business if you can't be pleasant bitch!" He shouted. 

"Let's go." E said. We continued toward the other two men. One Of the men, a Ginger haired fellow said, "Wow, you got spice! I like that. Can you do that to my ass?" He chuckled.

I found myself in the same situation I was in two nights before. Just the two men were different.

But were they really that different? I suspected not.

I could feel myself drifting away.

I let it happen....the alternative was more pain....

I still feel the pain of betrayal. No one will listen here. Everyone my mother has talked to refuses to hear me out. Even my son refuses.  I cannot fight this. I must leave and soon.
I disappeared once for five years. I will do it again for my remaining days. My protective shield protecting me is becoming quite battered. I am forced to choose between them and myself. 
I went out into the backyard with my little dog. I said the serenty prayer which some may have heard.
"God, grant me the serenty to  accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Author Notes The story is part of an autobio called Spectre. Book 2 of a 3 book series. The first book is called Ghost. Both can be found on my portfolio if you wish to read. Please note, some chapters are hard to read. Reader discretion is advised.

***Art by Lea Tonin***

Chapter 7
The Blur

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

The morning peaks into my eyes
Disguise of love I know are lies
Hope for more but heart just dies
Poison spreads my voice such cries
My mind my soul I thought was wise 
My bath of tears my own demise.
She takes from me all my ties.
Nothing stays just her disguise. 
The tears keep rolling down my face.  A deluge I just can't seem to stop...they slip down my face of their own volition.  With her the misery never ends. She will continue to attack with all her resources as she has my whole life.  It's done in the most insidious way.
She does not care who she hurts in the process namely my grandchildren. 
Do what she wants to me but not my son.  Not my grandchildren. 
Part of me wants to seek her out. Get in her face and cause her some pain instead. 
But I cannot.  I cannot be her. She will never beat me.
Let those people think what they will. I can't change it, therefore I must leave it behind. 
Through all these many years and all the terrible things she and her multiple men have done, especially one.  She still continues even after he's gone. She targets me, why I don't know.
Although she has committed many crimes against my sisters, more so towards myself. I'm not sure why, I can only guess... Jealousy, Scared because I'm exposing all of this.
But that doesn't make sense. Because she was cruel long before then I try to go out against despair but then. Perhaps it's the circumstance.  I've always known my mother is narcissistic. But now I consider the possibility that she is a sociopath. A person who mimicks humor behavior and emotion but doesn't actually feel it.
Can she hurt me?  Yes.
Can she bring me down? Yes
Will I stay there?  Hell no!!
So I took my little dog, put on her leash and we took a long cool walk. 
The cold fresh air never fails to vigorate me and clear the cobwebs from my mind.
The sun shining on my face doesn't happen very often in winter and yet this weather pattern persists.
We take advantage. My dog sniffs and I gaze.
No matter what happens in the world, it can't take away from the beauty all around us. The miracle and cycles of life stare me in the face just looking at a tree.
Never fails to bring me back to myself.
So I am back angry and more determined...
Let the blood flow....

"Let's roll. Lines movin' up." Ginger haired man said.

"Fuck that...let's smoke first!" E said. Around the corner to the same spot as last time.

I thought to myself, "Why not, at least I'll feel relaxed." The joint went round while we introduced ourselves to one another. It occurred to me, through their behavior, that they'd already picked which woman there were going to have before we even showed up.

Once again, we passed through the doors of the club and picked a table near the stage.

This started to make me very nervous, afraid of a repeat performance of two nights ago. So I prepared myself to bolt if need be.  We ordered drinks and ate just like the other night.

I could hear E and R (the red head) whispering. "Your friend is frigid".

"Don't worry R, she'll loosten up. You'll see." E replied.

The drink took its toll and I was turning into a spaghetti noodle. Even in that condition, I remained aware. The club was closing and I could hear E shouting over the music. Let's go! She said.  We're going to R's house."

Ding ding ding!! Alarm bells all singing in my head.

"I don't wanna go there...can't we just go back to your house?" I asked.

"They paid for the night, that's what we're gonna give them." She said exasperated. "Besides, what happened to you the other night, shouldn't happen again unless you want it to. It's a shitty way to get started but the worst is over.  You have been initiated."

"Ok," I said, hoping she wasn't lying to me.

We pulled into a lot containing grey stucco duplexes. We followed the two men into the duplex on the end.

"Drink ladies?" The blonde man said.

"Could I just have some water please?" I asked slightly slurring my words.

The blonde haired man looked sideways at R then R, in turn, looked at E.

She turned and whispered in my ear.

"Drinking with them is part of the package and we want to make them feel comfortable. Laugh, smile, make conversation and drink."

"Fine." I grumbled.

Then she pretended to laugh at something I said.

"She was fucken with ya! She wants the drink but asked for water to see your expressions! Haha!" E chuckled.

The two men laughed. R said, "Good thing too! You mighta been a cop!  We can't have that!

I just gave a small smile and accepted the drink. I sipped it slowly as inebriation was knockin' on my door threatening to put me to sleep.  While R was cozying up beside me.  His arm went around me while his fingers ran through my hair.

"So, how do ya like it sweet cheeks? From behind or missionary? A little slap and tickle maybe?"

Instantly, I snapped out of my stupor. Those words dug deep. They horrified me and two nights ago came rushing back to my mind. I stood up scanned the doors exact location. My eyes quickly locked on the door. Then I could hear E in the background.

"One of you guys go and get her!"

That last sentence put nitro in my feet and I flew!

It was dark and very foggy.  I didn't know which direction I was going in. I could barely see my hands, or feet below me.

I heared R yelling. "C'mon back!  Nobody's gonna do anything!"

I ran through the darkness.  I ran where the street had no street lamps. I let my feet decide the direction.

I ran into the arms of darkness...became invisible in the fog.

Then I slowly ...disappeared.

My eyes are dry, my resolve even stronger.  I knew it would get worse before it got better.
I knew the can of worms I was opening up and I know what she's capable of. So here I sit pondering this last blow. 
I've come to the same conclusion.
Keep writing...cuz I smell fear in air.

Author Notes This story is part of an auto bio called Spectre. It is book 2 of a series of 3. The first one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio. Should you wish to read, please note. Some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 8

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Clouds draped their white blankets over the mountains and hills as if to warm the land with its cottony breath.
The river sighed as it released its heavy burden into the thirsty ocean.
Green fluidic arms mixed with white exposing the seas diamond belly to the smiling sun.
Bird's borrowed shelves of air as I gathered peace into my lap and held it there.
Take these moments of quiet. Life will not give them to you.  You must seek it out.
I'm gazing up at the Rocky mountains. Here in the valley, we are surrounded in a ring of mountains on three sides. One side is the vast beautific pacific ocean.
We are nestled in the Valley. One large city, surrounded in  several smaller ones, surrounded by the suburbs and finally rural country. The farmers grow corn right up to the mountain base.
We are in the great river delta which has many islands. One hundred and fifty kilometers east and we are out of the valley and climbing.
When our mountain highways washed out a couple winters ago, the entire valley filled with water.  One immense lake!
Looking at the mountains now on a clear and sparkling day, I can almost imagine that the one mountain is a she and that her skirts are always flowing white. Occasionally she will lift them to expose her granite toes as if looking for a pedicure.
Then she throws her skirts back down again filling towns with white, unaware that her casual gesture has buried thousands.
The mountains look quiet today, all exposing their beauty to an amber sun set off in blue.
Magnificent! Such much so, it gives me peace.
We have a job to do...can't be blubbering all day now can we?
Old faithful keeps blinking at me on top of the desk. We need go back there again.
We need to see how she's doing. Can't leave her lost in the dark with thick fog surrounding her.
She messed up you see and she knew it.
So let's see if we can dry some of those tears and bring her out of the cold...

I couldn't hear his voice anymore. All I could hear was my footfalls on the cement road. I almost gave myself a knock off the side of a poplar tree so thick was the fog. I thought to myself,

"I don't dare wander any farther. I should stay put until the sun rises or the fog dissipates. I can figure out where I am." Satisfied with that train of thought, I chose a spot where I could lean against a tree and rest. I didn't want to think about where I was going to go. I must get my things but, that was just too much for the moment. I also realized that the sun can't be too far off since we arrived here late. It was just a matter of an hour or two. My feet ached from the stupid high heels she had me wear. Taking them off, I rubbed the bottom of my feet to alleviate the cramps. I sat there just calming my heart and listening to the night. After a while I could see lights piercing the fog drawing closer to me. I scooted myself farther behind the tree and watched.

As the car approached I realized it was a cab and as it drove by I could make out the profile of E. The cab passed just as the sun had illuminated the fog edges. I considered putting the high heels back on my feet again but, I knew I would not get very far like that. So I opted for bare feet, well nylon feet anyway. Once it was light enough. I continued down the road until I spied a main intersection. I could see now the street I was on and approximately how far I had to go to collect my items. I was just angry enough to go and collect them and make sure she stayed out of my way when I did. I'm pretty sure she wasn't going to let any of this business come into her mother's home more than it already had. Looking at the sign and considering I was starting to feel very hung over. I looked over my energy level, I was looking at the fact that it was about eleven kilometers to walk back to E's house. Then I realized that my energy level really doesn't matter. I have to get where I'm going period.  I began the long walk back. The odd car honked as they went by. No wonder with the way I was dressed, or lack there of.  The sun climbed as I walked dissipating the last of the fog. I watched it burn off with mixed feelings. Considering it had concealed me only a few hours ago, I was not sure I wanted it gone. Finally after a long walk I saw the street that lead to E's house. I knocked on the door.  Nothing, I knocked again. Finally I saw E peaking out the window and then door opened.

"What the fuck!" E said. "Get in here fast." You know I had to do them both cuz of you!"

My rage flared up so fast it almost gave me whiplash! I grabbed her by the shoulders and slammed her up against the wall.

I growled in her face. "Give me one good reason I shouldn't drop you like a fly."

"Hey man, I tried to help you." She said. Instantly I drew my arm across her neck and began to apply pressure while her faced turned red. "No you didn't. You tried to condemn me to hell!" Then I heard a voice in the hallway.

"E...what's going on in there?"

I'm thinking in that moment if her mother hadn't come up the hallway. I don't know, maybe I would have kept squeezing maybe not.  I'm glad I didn't have to find out.
Until next time...a stronger had emerged. 

Author Notes This story is part of an auto bio called spectre. Book 2 of the series. Book 1 called Ghost and this, can be read through my portfolio. Please note, some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 9

By Lea Tonin1

Tepid ground my toes did creep. 
Followed heels my lofty feet.
Face the mounds of her deceit.
Never more our souls to meet.
Greet the day the suns repast.
Beams of rainbows flying fast.
Ban the dark to breath its last.
End the memory of time gone past.
Sing the song in freedoms voice.
Killer man now has no choice. 
But to die....
Well it's been a fun day....
My cars name is Alice and she sports a chunk of change totalling well over three hundred thousand klms. 
She runs well but, she has some issues. Electrical in nature. My right window hasn't been able to go up for a couple months now.
Enjoying the sunshine, I noticed it had rained overnight.
Maybe I wouldn't have noticed so much except that when I hit the brakes, the ocean's wave of water came rushing up the front, came up over my pedals and gave me large soakers.  Some might call that funny, I call it cold.
Be that as it may, driving is a privilege and never should be taken for granted.
My uncle's house is in an area surrounded in maple trees. Maples are stunning when they're leaves start to turn. 
So bright, that the colors are almost hard to look at. Yellows oranges and reds stand out almost as bright as a traffic light at night. 
The last of those frozen leaves waved at me then, gently falling to the ground breathing their last.  Observing beauty is a natural and most healthy way to distract a person's mind from dark matters.  At least this mind anyway. 
We've got work to do though.  She needs shelter. 
Off we go to find it...on sodden feet....

I awoke, stretched and could hear the snap and crackle of small twigs beneath me. Then I remembered where I was. Rolling onto my back I gazed at the sunlight playing hide and seek with shadows made by waiving cedar boughs.

I breathed in the invigorating rich loamy smell of the earth mixed in with the ever present scent of evergreens.

No matter what I do or where I go, I shall always adore the forest and all living things in it. It's a dance on my senses, a delight to my mind.

But, I could not lay there forever I knew.  I didn't know, however, how long I slept under that tree. It was afternoon when I arrived.

"No time like the present." I thought. Coming out from under having picked up my jacket off the ground, I shook it off and popped it in my plastic bag along with my sweater.  Some minutes later saw me back on the trail toward the park proper.   I could here children laughing and playing in the amusement park. Saw peeks of people playing tennis.

The sun was low on the horizon but not on the down swing but on the up. It appears I slept a good twelve hours at least. Exiting the park I could see Tim Hortons across the street so I made my way towards it. Ordering a cold drink and a donut, I looked toward the seating arrangements. Every odd table had a news paper on it and a few people were reading them. The newspaper,I knew, would have job listings. Maybe even places to stay. I sat down at a table with a newspaper and began to flip through it. I could see several fast food restaurants looking for counter people. Okay that's good I thought. I didn't know if they'd take someone without experience.

Flipping to the available rentals, I noticed many of them started with more than I have in my pocket.

I read that paper front to back but didn't find a single thing I could get for even just a month. Frustrated I slapped the newspaper down and put my hands over my face to hide my coming tears. I sat that way for awhile struggling with my emotions when I heard a ladies soft voice with a thick Indian accent.

"Joo are to be ok miss?" She asked picking up the news paper noting what I was reading.

I looked up and saw a dark skinned, pretty East Indian lady. A caring expression on her face. Then two young children peaked out around her dress smiling playfully at me, I gave small smile in return.

"No home?" She asked.

"No," I replied. "No home." She turned toward her children and spoke softly in her language to which they smiled and nodded in response. Then the two children turned and looked at me expectantly eyes bright. "Come." The lady said. "I have place downstairs. Joo come." Hope blasted through my system and I perked right up. Looking at this lady who wore a questioning on her face as the kids bounced on their feet expectantly looked far less forbidding than anything else I've seen. 

"Really?" I asked.

She nodded.

"I can only give you one hundred and fifty for now." I said. "

"I'll need the remaining to go look for a job." I cringed hoping that wasn't a deal breaker. Looking back up at her she still wore the same expression of empathy without change.

"Okay, yes thank you so much! You have just saved me thank you."

Tears of gratitude came to my eyes which she smiled gently at and said,

"Bery good" and bade me follow her to her van.

I considered whether I was making another mistake but my instincts said otherwise. Watching the street slide by I felt lighter. Perhaps this is the leg I've needed. But, damn those expectations, they usually lead to disappointments.

This time I hope I'm wrong. 

It is true.  I've always remained fond of the forest and felt connected to the mountains and as long as the weather held, I was always driving in and out of there. Fly fishing rod in hand and flies designed for each season has me set for a day of fun. Fly fishing is my favorite along with camping around a beautiful contained fire armed with hot chocolate and brandy in the evening. The moon on the plateau is so huge!  It turns the world to silver and seems like you could just reach out and touch it. The sweet lilting sounds of loons singing at night drifting on the lake sends me to sleep. 
Dream of peaceful things when you can, take that and hold it for a while. It will sustain you.
To slog through suburban life again....

Author Notes This story is part of an auto bio called Spectre book 2 of 3 book 1 is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio. Should you choose to read, please note. Some chapters are hard to digest reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 10
The In-between

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

No such thing as tempered rage
Only anger marks the stage
When all your life's a  wrenching cage
Bust the bars the killers wage.
Bursting buds of bluest night.
The Phoenix rise in rocket flight.
Change the wrongs which should be right.
Turn the darkness into light. 
Reveal the cage disguised as home
Set free the souls and let them roam
Phoenix burns with brilliant blooms 
The negative, has no room.
Today I was looking over my very first book ever. 
There is pride and pain in those pages. 
There is also myself.  My tears, my heart in every written word. For me, the whole book is cathartic.
Yet there is still so much content yet to come.
That girl remains within me and then some, but I must also remember, parts of the past will always remain. Perhaps now it will simply
change form.
Crying is not necessarily a bad thing.
Weeping this out is simply an aid in the smooth flow of words to paper and out of my head.
In some ways it's like ripping the scab from a wound and it bleeds all over again.
Or in another way, I'm getting a dermal abrasion to get rid of the scars. 
Makes me think we ought to have a new Olympic sport. How to jump from one trampoline to another in one easy lesson.
Sifting thoughts to a logical part of my mind, my eyes drift around the room. Glinting colored sparkles show their faces here and there bouncing off multiple pieces of jewelry newly created.  They always remind me of Christmas lights. The seasons holiday soon to begin for many. 
So while I'm busy contemplating my naval, I will now retreat from that and go back to telling the story I began a book and a bit ago.  
She's not done with us yet....

"It's ok mom. I just have a visitor," E said.   

"Well keep it quiet in there, you know I need to rest," E's mom said.

"Ok mom. Sorry we'll keep it down," E answered.

I removed my arm from her neck which she rubbed gently.

"You used me. You tried to turn me into a hooker." My voice low sent through clenched teeth. Just barely keeping under control while shaking in anger.

"Are you some kind of boss or something?  How many others have you done this to?" I demanded.

"There's a few out there," She answered. "But hey, I tried to help you out that's..." Then she saw the thunder in my face and her voice just tapered off.

"Your gonna give me the cash you took using me," I said.

"I was gonna give it to you anyway but you took..." Again her voiced tapered off. 

I held out my hand.

She sighed and reached for her bag. Producing two hundred dollars she handed it over to me. "By rights you should only get one hundred after last nights fiasco."

"Do you really want to go there with me?" I said. I was a foot taller than her and towered over her to make my point. She just stood there staring at me.

Other than my stepfather and my mother, she's the only person I really wanted to punch!

"I'm going in the closet to get my bag." I turned to retrieve it and quickly grabbed pants and a T-shirt. A fast change saw her pink outfit back in her hands.

"Look," I said to E. "I don't know what you're thinking doing this stuff, it can't be good. Maybe you should try something else before you get hurt or your mom finds out." I might not know much about anything but I know this crap makes me feel like shit." 

Again she just stared at me.

I shrugged picked up my bag and walked out the front door. My feet were terribly tired, I was thirsty and hungry. Two blocks back was a McDonald's, I made a B-line for it.

As I munched down on a burger and fries, I started to think about where I could go.

Family members were out.  My mother made sure of that. I let the tears slip down my face knowing I was out of options. I considered the forest again but I quickly dismissed it. At best a forest stay was temporary. I needed something permanent, something stable. Something I didn't have to be afraid was going to be pulled out from under me at any moment. With nowhere to go I headed back to the park where i'd met the homeless people that night.

I couldn't sit at McDonalds all day crying. My feet were sore too from putting on so many kilometers when I still hadn't slept the night before.

It was tough controlling emotions when I was so physically tired. I stood up knowing that if I stayed put, I might have fallen asleep their table.

Drying me eyes, I put my garbage in a bin and started for the park.

I was glad it was only two kilometers away as I'd had enough. Walking along slowly under the beautiful sun looking at the glory of the natural world, I wondered if human life could be beautiful too. What a thing that would be.

Entering the park, I headed down one of the smaller trails looking for a dry, off the path spot so I could lay my head down. A few minutes later I walked off the path about ten feet in. The was a large cedar standing sentinal with great bent bows. Crawling under, I was semi covered and surrounded in the fresh green sent. I pulled my jacket out of the bag and laid it on the ground. I almost collapsed on it but, managed to also pull out a sweater.  I wrapped it around my shoulders then curled up in a ball. The quiet of the forest came roaring in, while the tree wrapped me in beautiful cedar green.

I quickly fell into a deep slumber.

Blessedly free of dreams.

Re-reading what I written I wanted to make sure I wear laid the exact feeling at the time.  A mixture of fear anger frustration and disappointment.  I leaned back once again from my PC, running my hands through my hair. After every chapter, especially the busy ones, I feel a bit drained. Sometimes I do think about the childhood lost for 3 young girls.
But we survived and we learned.  It was no thanks to the parental figures that were in our lives.
Every day I find out more family history. More stuff flying around that only car robberates everything that I already know.
I still feel, even at this moment, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. That it's the pinnacle of what my life is supposed to be.
I hold up the mirror now for every abuser and abusee that may be out there.  A message for each is imbedded in this story.  Messages that are individual to each of you.
As for the rest of the story, it goes out to every other person outside of that life and watch for the recognizable signs of abuse.
Thank you everyone once again for reading and hanging in there!
Rest now...more mountains to climb...more days to get there.

Author Notes Please note, this story is part of an auto bio called Spectre part of a 3 book series. This is number 2. Number 1 is called Ghost and can be found in my portfolio should you wish to read. Please note some chapters are hard to digest, reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 11
The Shoe

By Lea Tonin1

The future's road is cracked and long.
Every turn a fatal wrong.  Weakness thrown corded strong.
Burn the mayhems bitter song.
Seek the peace a natures brew.
Toss the beasts malevolent stew.
Smash the rock its head will do.
Your evil fate no longer true.
There is no change without change.
So push and pull this freedoms range.
The sun has not risen yet...I look outside and see a thick bank of fog enveloping my home.
Fog happens when the ground is warmer than the air.  This particular fog has been here for the last few mornings tickling its way around with long vaporous fingers. 
I walked up to the house proper and in the kitchen seeking the comforts of caffeine. Listening to the coffee percolate, I was thinking about some family history I learned just yesterday. 
It was around the time my my natural father and mother split up. My mother said my father didn't believe I was his child and that was why he left me behind and took my sister instead.
A lie concocted by my mother of course.  The truth was my mother didn't want two babies around. She made up an elaborate excuse about not being able to care for two children and go to work.
My sister was then passed to my grandparents on my father's side. Then after that, she passed on to an aunt and uncle on my father's side. After that, she was picked up by my father and went to my mother's house. No one was home because, of course, mother didn't meet him as she promised.  So he left her there, abandoned on the porch where anything could've happened to her. 
Such selfish stupidity playing with the lives of babies. I feel like going out and kicking some ass!!
I have twelve boxes of evidence full of documents and other paperwork documenting my life from their perspective.
I was warned not to go through these documents alone. Some items are quite traumatic and so I haven't yet. Still trying to figure out what, where and when.
Coffee's ready and it's time to get to work.
Time to send my mind back again and take all of you with me.  
Time for the next move....

We pulled up into the driveway of an older, split level home. Red on top and gyprock on the bottom.

A very dark man wearing a turban came out the front door to greet his wife. He looked at me with a slightly startled expression on his face then quickly replaced it with the narrowing of his black eyes.

What seemed like rapid fire conversation began between them. Her husband flapping his hands in the air as she dismissed him with a waive. She gestured to me and we proceeded into the house. The two children followed smiling shyly at me so I gave them a peace sign.  They mimicked the gesture between themselves, laughed and ran into the house as we followed.

We were greeted with the pungent smells of Indian cooking. I tried my best to ignore my growling stomach and followed the wife into the kitchen. By the stove was another older Indian lady stirring a burnt orange colored type of sauce.

"Joo hungry? She asked,"Sit."

I sat as she asked and introduced me to her family. I introduced myself while the grandmother or old mother as they put it, smiled kindly at me while serving food. 

Her husband merely grunted when given my name. The two children whispered in each others ear, looked at me and a new round of giggling started. Mr. D, the father, made a sharp guttural sound the children quieted down to eat. On the table old mother served a large bowl of rice, some kind of flat bread as well as chicken sitting in the odd colored sauce.

It was delicious! I've never had food like that before, I ate as much as my stomach could take.  When the meal was over the women went to clean up.  I stood up with them Mrs. D who waived me back to my seat. I sat quietly while Mr. D watched me out of the corner of his eye.

He made me feel nervous as if a jack-in-the-box was about to spring! The two ladies finished up, Mrs. D gestured for me to follow. Down the stairs we went into the lower level of the house.

We entered into a room which looked like it was once a kitchen but now looked more like a hybrid of kitchen and laundry room. To my right, an entrance to a small living room. In that room was a very old couch and an old black and white TV. Beside the living room was a door to another small room.  It was empty but, looked like a regular bedroom.

"Joo can stay down here." She said. "We talk later. Jess?"

"Thank you so much," I said with tears in my eyes. "I really appreciate this."

She smiled kindly and left me in the small living room. I picked up my plastic bag of clothes and placed them in the empty room. I then turned the big knob on the old TV which surprisingly worked! An old movie played. "The African Queen" with Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn. I kept the volume low and sat down on the old couch. It was as hard as cement. Seemed like it had fossilized over the years. Despite this I began to nodd off.  The world of deep sleep enveloped me and I slipped away.

Some hours later I awoke to what sounded like a big argument.

Mr D's voice loud while Mrs. D spoke at a low volume.

"Please God, let this not be another mistake. Just let this be for now."

"Let me catch my breath...please."

How I hated the shaky ground beneath my feet.
At any time an earthquake could come then liquefaction would occur to swallow me whole.
To be honest, though, I've had that feeling my whole life at different times, different events. But yes, that's always been with me.
Today I feel a little more introspective. Having years of knowledge and experience come to the foreground, I'm able to make sense of much of it.  In this comes understanding and of this knowledge sometimes brings forgiveness or at the very least, a ceasefire.  Not the case here. 
But that is another days wind, another fragile idea that flies like seeds on the breeze.
Next time...I am the wind.

Author Notes This story is part of an autobio called Spectre book 2 of a 3 part series book 1 is called Ghost. Both books can be found in my portfolio. If you wish to read. Please also note, some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 12

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Tremble and shake my body quakes.
My mind directly in tow.
Knocking knees that can't believe we're one.
My hearts brazen hope.
What is courage that causes worry to cope.
Choices abandon the soul .
Rise up from dust and gather the bones.
Bring them home to grow.
Shake off the disease manipulators leave.
See black from the white .
Wash away the infection find new direction.
Add the color between. 
Now it is done you'd better run.
My rage is no longer yours.
Two steps forward, one step back.  Such is the nature of our life lessons. I am still learning.  I've felt and still feel my thoughts expanding as my mind fills with new knowledge each and every day. 
Knowledge of life and what's to come.
There's a chalk board in my mind with two columns on it.  One column says nuts and the other column says not nuts. Depending on the check marks listed below, determines my state of mind.
How about going to the supermarket instead and say, "Fruit cake aisle seven just behind the nuts!"
This planet is the most negative planet in God's universe. The boot camp for souls, it's the place we come to learn our lessons the fastest to perfect our souls. 
Any soul who chooses a life here is a warrior soul.  We are all warriors souls. Like any battle though, there are casualties.  At least it works for me.
It is 1:45AM here....the darkest time of night.  The fog has returned and captured this house in grey chains thick as pea soup. 
It seems all the rodents and cockroaches have taken refuge under the house.  My dog listens intently at the squeals and taps below, cocking her ears and turning her head ever alert. 
I ask myself two questions every day.
One is, "Did I do the best I can?" The next one is, "Can I do anything else?" If the answers are "Yes" and "no", then I must be like a duck and let the rest roll off my back.
Can I do or change anything in my life? Can I make it better in the future?
I can try...that is all.

The next morning I woke with a kink in my neck. Having spent the night on that cement couch. But, it was either that or sleep on the floor.

I had Chai tea with the family, explained I would be gone for the day to look for work. They smiled and nodded except for Mr. D...he just grunted.

I boarded the bus at 9AM headed toward the main drag of the city to start looking for work.

I was aware of a lot of fast food places along thus strip. I was nervous about approaching strangers and going into strange places but, at least I was clean and had reasonably acceptable clothes on. I decided to work my way up the main drag toward the bridge. By the time I reached the bridge at the end of the day, I will be closer to a bus loop and return faster. The first place I entered was a pizza place. I walked up to the counter,

"Excuse me, I was wondering if there's work?"

The girl behind the counter passed over an application and said, "Fill this out, I'll pass it onto the boss."

I carried on in this fashion stopping at places like;  Dairy Queen, Burger King, Wendy's, a Chinese food place and finally McDonald's not too far from the bridge. My feet were tired and I was hungry. I opted for fries and a coke, steered myself to a table and bounced off this guys chest tossing my fries everywhere. "Oh shit!" He exclaimed. "I'm really sorry I wasn't paying attention. Can I get you another order of fries?"

I just stared at this dark haired, blue eyed guy around my age with a blank expression.  I snapped of it.

"Oh, yes please." I answered. I sat down with my coke and waited. A few minutes later he returned with the promised fries.

"Sorry about that," he said, a friendly expression on his face,"I didn't see you there."

He introduced himself and I did the same.

"I live just over the bridge. Goin' to Bumpers after I eat. Ever been there?" B asked.

"What's a Bumpers?" Answering his question with a question.

"It's a club." He answered.

"Ah no, I think I've had my fill of clubs." I said. 

"It's not that kind of club," he said. "It's a club for teenagers. A place you can go to dance, shoot pool, play pinball games, or even air hockey." He explained. "No alcohol there as we're underage. But you can get a pop and a bite to eat."

"Sounds like fun." I said. "Maybe I'll come sometime."

"You should," he said, "You might like it. Tell you what. I'll give you my number, give me a shout if you'd like to go sometime. I'll even pick you up."

I offered a small smile and said, "Perhaps I will."

"Ok," he said. "Good to meet you. Take it easy."

"You too, bye." 

I watched him walk out the door and jumped into a van then drove away. I made my way to the bus loop and boarded a bus. I gazed out the window as we drove along. Watching the sunset tease the horizon with golds, pinks, orange and finally red. Succumbing to the drop, the sun made one last blast of color shining under the clouds before the slipping to slumber.  It was tranquil...not a feeling I'm used to but, it brought me a smile just the same. 

I wish all days could give some peace. 

But I have no such illusions...only the surety of challenge....

A deep breath and a sigh of remembrance. I settle my mind to return to the present. Sometimes a person can get lost in memory.  Some never come out. Some do not reach their memories at all.
For those who try...wear a space suit or some armor. 
It gets rough in there.... 

Author Notes This story is from an autobio called Spectre book two of the series. Book one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio. Should you wish to read, please note sun. Chapters are difficult to digest. Reader the discretion is advised.

Chapter 13
The Bump

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Behold the sea of swimming birds
Slap the sky with feathered fins 
Seek the flowers with pistolin swords
Sweep the air with created pollen
Thin blades of green darts a thousand fold
Sent to breeze by man's device.
Waltzing trees the lumbers sway
Competing scents of natures desire
The rush and flow the rivers pull
Lay the seeds for flowing life
Silver quick the avian flight 
Dances on sandy bottoms grip
Skim the view the moons pale eye
And slip...into the arms of peace.
Wishing to express the beauty I see in all living and natural things around me, I set it to verse. This is my anchor to peace that keeps me on my feet. What steady's my soul.
When I drive out of the valley and into the mountains, I stop at one rest spot every time.  From this rest area, I can look down below to the vast valley and I see the thick gray smog covers it from shore to mountain base. I have the feeling of pulling myself out of a thick pea soup. Looking down upon it, I think,
"I have escaped once again."
Today I have this fidgety feeling, sort of nervous jump in my tummy. Like waiting for the school principal to walk in when caught skipping out.
This is what's inside right now.  I'm sensitive to what comes and what's around.  I know it's there but, not always what the "it" is. Some people might call a sensitive person someone with an extra or a sixth sense physic.
I just call it the voice inside of us.  The one that warns us of danger. The one that says stuff's happening.
I paid attention to that voice more later in life. It has never steered me wrong. Extra ability is usually a genetic or inherited through the females of the family.  It's born of hard experience and when those two things come together combined with hypervigilance as a child, that sensitivity becomes very strong. 
I wish I paid more attention to it in my younger years.
The holiday season fast approaches.  This time of year can be hard. Because I spend it alone, I have for a long time. My sons live far away, it's difficult for them to come. But that's just a pipe dream. 
I have been given a gift. One I've have never received ever.  That is the gift of belief which will last for a 1000 Christmas's.
Thank you everyone....

For the next few days, I concentrated mainly on looking for work.

I wrote my fingers raw filling out application after  application.

I think the problem laid in the area where experience was listed. It was the fact that I didn't have any.

I kept trying just the same. After all, how do you get any if no one will hire you!

My week was only interrupted by one night. The crashing of furniture and glass I heard coming from upstairs.

I could hear Mr. D's voice rise and fall while his wife kept hers measured and even. I listened for sounds of distress from Mrs. D just in case intervention was required. I switch to instant alert whenever I hear sounds like what was coming from upstairs.  After a while it quieted down again. In the morning Mrs. D came down the stairs and looked at me with a concerned expression.

"Joo hear?" She asked.

I nodded.

"My husband is upset about de bills. He does not think be can afford guest."

I felt instantly guilty. "I'm so sorry I haven't more to give you." I said, "I'm looking hard for work. When I get a job, I will hand over the first pay to you."

"Not your fault, I ask you here." She responded. "Maybe meal time I bring to you down food. He not see you so much...calm him down."

"I can go. I'm so sorry, I never meant to cause you trouble."

"Joo wait, husband get money soon, he will be smiles." He is how you say...."

"Cheap?" I clapped my hands over my mouth horrified I said that and looked over at her.

"She laughed,"Jess cheap." Laughing some more. Okay you stay, talk later."  She chuckled on her way up the stairs. "Cheap...haha."


By the end of the week, I started thinking more about the guy I crashed into at McDonalds. "A teenage place...maybe it is fun and not like the other clubs." I thought.

I so needed conversation with someone my age. A short amount of time to blow off steam. Take my mind off of serious matters. Just do something strange like have fun.

Another day went by and I finally screwed up the courage to phone. I dialed the number which immediately rang.

I almost dropped the phone back in its cradle when a woman's voice answered. I asked for B.

"Yes," she said. "Just one moment."

"Hello?" B answered."Ah...hi. We met last week at McDonalds?"

"Ya the collidee and I'm the collider." He chuckled. "How're ya doin'?"

"Ok thanks you?" I replied.

"Good. You change your mind about Bumpers?" He asked.

"Ya, I was just wondering if..."

"If I was going?" He finished for me. "Say no more. Where you at, I'll pick you up."

I gave him the address.

"Cool we can do the bump and the hustle." He said.

"What?" I said.

"Forget it, we'll play air hockey." He responded.  "See you 'round 8." "Ok...see you later," and I hung up.

"Well," I thought. "Can't walk down the road unless you use your feet."

In the shower I dared to hope, "Maybe, things will get better."


Yes, this chapter is a little easier to write than most. Because it was a time when I had some hope.  This too was another foreign feeling to me.  I began to daydream about the future. 
Day dreams are nice and every once in a while, they come true. But most of them don't sadly.
Young people's dreams can turn into older persons nightmare.
Prepare to bump some baddies. They're always there.

Author Notes This story is part of an autobio called specter. It's part of a 3 part series and this is number 2 number 1 can be found. In my portfolio along with this it's called ghost. Feel free to read. A word of caution. Some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 14

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

The trails of the past link to the future.
What is it to know peace when it has run from you. Perhaps it is the mask it wears or the costume on halloween. 
Perhaps malevolence is its placenta.
Then can it be called peace? I think not. Deception wears many faces, as does remorse.
Become the sleuth of your heart's desire.
Know that the trail ends on the same spot.
Peace, happiness, love are gifts we give to ourselves. Respect, forgiveness trust are not automatically bestowed. They are earned things.
Love and I'm sorry are words of action. We show rather than say.
The trails of the past link to the future.
Ride the wave. 
Everyday seems to hold new discoveries of what was and what is. The hole goes deeper then even I knew.  Seems my mother stole my step brothers inheritance.  Every penny.  A large amount.
So much corruption, so many lies. Was my whole life a lie? I don't even know if my father is my father! More stories fly more lies, more deception. She is still trying to have me removed from my home by a daily phone call. Thank god my uncle doesn't believe a word she says.   He knows her... and well.
I know I can't change what is. I can change what comes.  I keep telling myself I know the truth of the matter.  Sometimes truth is not enough when the lie is more fun.  Sometimes it matters nothing at all. That's what it is to deal with my family. It's whatever works for mom.
Guess what? I'm here now. No more truth according to mother, it's truth according to what is.
I'm in the mountains for the weekend. The drive is always spectacular.  We move first through the thick foliage of rain forest country. Up into the mountains we have hectares of mountains and valleys filled with a coniferous forest as far as the eye can see. Then the trees thin, the orange mountains appear. Finally they give way to arid land, so close to desert like conditions.  The only place in this vast country that's like that. Breathing in the snap of dry cold air. Clean as new wind. Staring up at the orange mountain in front me, I realize, we are tiny dots standing next to such a thing. We are insignificant in light of such a monumental creation. 
Stand beside one and very small we really are. 
See how the beauty can heal...see the forest for the trees.

My new friend was right on time picking me up. He showed up in a camper van which he explained belong to his father. He showed me a happy grin and asked me how I was.

I responded, "Okay thanks, you?"

To which he answered, "I'm good. Whatchoo do all week long?"

"Looked for work. I need to be able to pay some rent. I don't think the mister of the house likes me too much.  His wife says he'll like me fine if I put cash in hand " 

B chuckled and said, "Aren't we all."

We pulled into a lot and parked.  Looking at the front of the building, it seemed so much more festive than the adult club.  This one boasted a hypnotist show starting at 10pm.

Inside was just as festive as the outside but, more so. Lots of games, well lit dance floor, a DJ playing cool music and, in front of me was the pop stand. All kinds of candy, all kinds of pop, no booze and no scams.

I looked over at my friend who was laughing with a couple my age when he called me over. All through the evening B introduced me to his friends and spent the next couple hours playing air hockey and shooting pool. B treated me just like any other of his friends for which I was relieved. Then the announcement for the hypnotist came, so we all gathered round. This particular hypnotist's ability was based on how many kids would pretend to be hypnotized.

He managed to get several of them up. Made them dance like ballerinas and then eventually had them start stripping off their clothes. Of course, he stopped them just before they could. It was very amusing and entirely fake. A couple times I was asked to dance but, because I still wasn't sure I was able to actually do that, I declined both times. I did slow dances at the adult club, but that was all.

This definitely was a fun night.  No pressure from anyone. No manipulation. No lies. 

Soon midnight rang and the place was closing for the night.  On my way back home, I thanked my friend for a fun night. He asked if I'm like to go again next week and I easily said yes. I wished him goodnight and went inside entering by the basement.

On the really hard couch was a message from the lady upstairs. "Kentucky chicken call. Joo call dem back." Below that was a phone number. "Maybe it was for a job." I thought.  "How bonus would that be!" The following morning I made the call and spoke with the restaurant manager. He promptly gave me a start date he explained was the beginning of a trial period of three months. I was extremely excited and so very grateful! Minimum wage of course I had no experience that was to be expected. Still, I was very relieved! This carried on peacefully, quietly and happily enough for a couple of weeks!  No incidents or things I had to worry about.  It was pure bliss!

One night I was sleeping on the hard couch, for once no nightmares.

When a loud crash and a scream awoke me....

I took some lovely pictures pictures of peaceful things things I can look at when I'm on my run. The muck that's one of the reasons I appreciate nature so very much. It brings me back to the core of myself. The real reason for life certainly wasn't that.
But the mountains whispered to my heart and the trees tickle my back, the breeze tells me secrets.
They all sing to me the same song....
Come now, it's time to go....

Chapter 15
The Illusion

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Bow to the majesty of the mountains as they race slowly by.
Curtsey to the enormous force that causes their migration. 
Give your awe to the oceans might who carves the earths face.
Show deference to the velvet sky bouncing the moons ball forward.
Marvel at the gliding golden orb, its magnificent shine of life.
Who are we to say the earth is not allowed to be. How do we justify its demise?
How do we save what was?
It starts like this...
I will not beat my child today...and...recycle.
I always feel light after visits in the mountains. If I could live there forever, I'm sure that I would. That is a matter of planning though.
There is nothing in the world like this beautiful province of ours. In my travels, I have never seen anything more lovely than Gods finger on this land. 
Leaving the mountains and coming down into the valley. I feel as if I've slipped back into the pea soup of life, wading through the BS of my mother's deeds.
I was trying to get over the shock that my father is not my father.
That she will not tell me who is, doesn't surprise me at all. Because now she thinks she has power and she will dangle it like a carrot in front of me.  She's still calling here trying to get my uncle to throw me out.
She keeps saying I'm dangerous, that he should get rid of me. The woman is driven. I will give her that.
All of her actions, since I started writing, speaks of fear to me. 
Soon the hammer will fall.
Soon all will be revealed. 
When it does it will not be by my hand...just the revealing of theirs.

I heard another scream, a grunt and a large bang followed by children crying! It was so loud, I almost fell off the couch as I scrambled to sit up! I stood and ran to the landing.

Looking up the stairs I could see two children clutching their blankets with big eyes and tears rolling out of them. I gave the two young children the peace sign and beckoned them to come down. They came to me willingly. I sat them down on the coach. They we're crying, asking for their mother and jumping at every bang.

"Stay here ok? I'm going to check. Promise not to move unless your mother comes. Yes?"

They both nodded. I gave them the peace sign again then rushed back to the landing.

Another loud thump and crash got me up those stairs. Looking around the living room I could see smashed furniture tossed items strewn about. From the kitchen I could hear a woman talking in a soothing, if quavering voice, and a man growling in return. I crept closer to the kitchen. Peeking my head around the corner, she saw me.

Her eyes grew wide and she shook her head slightly as if to say,"Don't come in."

I stepped back, ready to pounce at any moment should it be needed.

I heard guttural growls, like an order of some kind coming from her husband. Then advancing footsteps, another crash of a pan being thrown. Then I heard a woman's voice pleading. A scuffling...then silence...more scuffling another bang.  That's it!  I couldn't stand there any longer!

I ran into the kitchen and saw his hands around her neck as he  pushed her up against the fridge. Her face getting purple as she struggled.

That rage!  The rage at the site in front of me, shot through me like an arrow! I jumped on his back and pulled my arm around his neck and yanked as hard as I could! For a split second she was free, just long enough to get out of his grip. He then grabbed my arm and tossed me to the floor landing into the cupboards. He shouted something in his language shaking his fist at me. Then glared at his wife growling and shaking fists at her. He grabbed his keys and stomped out the door. An engine rumbled then faded. I looked over at Mrs. D and could see the anguish in her face.

I stood and walked over to her. "Are you ok? Do you need to go to a hospital?"

"No, no hospital," she rasped.

I didn't question it. I understood the need to not have authorities involved. In my experience, they do not help.

I looked at her neck which showed angry purple finger marks on her olive skin. I quickly grabbed her a glass of water.

"Your kids are downstairs on the couch where I asked them to stay.  I'll go check them." 

She nodded drinking sips of the water I gave her. Down the stairs I went locking the front door as I went.  Walking into the small living room where the two crying children were still on the couch. Fright must have kept them there. Whatever it was, I was glad for it.

"It's alright now.  It's over. Your Dad went for a drive and your mom's upstairs okay? Let's go see her and she can put you guys to bed."

They nodded and up we went. She had a silk scarf around her neck so the children didn't see the marks. She gave them each hugs and brought them to their room.

Mrs. D came out of the bedroom after a short time. Comforting her children no doubt.

"Are you sure you don't want help? You're the mother, maybe it will be different for you." I said.

"No." She said again. "No help."

I said no more.

Quietly I took a garbage bag, the broom and dust pan and began to clean up. After a few minutes of picking up broken items, I looked over at Mrs. D who was crying softly.

I didn't quite know what to do except offer her a consoling look. After a few minutes, she picked up the broom and started to sweep.

As we worked, I couldn't help but wonder what would happen next? Has the other shoe dropped?

Or perhaps it's all just illusion....

Remembering that night, I recall it was a sleepless one. But it was not unfamiliar to me. I knew how to react in a violent situation. I'd seen it many times and been a part of it more than I wanted to remember. 
This event marked a turning point in mind. My thoughts and actions towards abuse changed.  It seemed rage would be my savior after all and could banish the victim in me forever. 
I remember these moments of revelation. Not thinking they were at the time. Funny how realization takes time to catch up.
Let's fight the good fight instead....

Author Notes This is a chapter in an auto bio called Spectre book two in a trilogy. Book One is called Ghost and both can be found in my portfolio if you wished to read. One word of caution. Some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 16
The Suspense

By Lea Tonin1

Slip from sleep the terrible quake.
Cracks in truth which she did make.
Spreads the hate I cannot shake.
Stomps my heart a
bloodless ache.
She should fear what she can't see.
For karma comes and there I'll be.
Handing out her blasphemy.
Maelstrom strikes, sets me free.
A cancer formed three generations back.
A lie of shame threw the next off track.
Integrity a trait that they lack. 
Her soul to me shines only black.
Slip the chains that bind the abused. 
They have no power...anymore.
The holiday season is upon us. It's hard for me, as I usually spend it alone.  The holiday season can get a smile or two from me it's true. Just watching the people around me, the decorations, bright lights, the people hustling and bustling.
However, I am going to inject a little bit of ho ho humor.
Do you know the story of how the angel got on the Christmas tree? 
Well Santa and Mrs. Claus were having a really hard year. All they did was argue and fight. The dwarfs weren't doing their job and the reindeer were on strike. All was mayhem. After a while  An angel came bouncing in with a large green pine tree.
"Santa look! What shall I do with this tree?"
And that's the story of how the angel got on the tree....
Levity is required in life. I swear if we didn't have it, we'd have all gone nuts a long time ago! 
Some of you may wonder how could so much mayhem happen to one person? I grew up with it. I knew nothing else. Everyday was a struggle to survive. I learned nothing of relationships and how to deal with people. I knew nothing of how to survive on the outside. Except for what I'd already done in self defense. I've stumbled around in the dark, made many mistakes with people, placement and circumstance. It's what I was used to and in an almost gravitational direction, I found myself going to it tiny and again. 
There was lots of mayhem and the it continued with every lesson I had to learn.  I've made stupid decisions, went to stupid places and hurt in stupid ways.
I understand the girl I was today but not then.
I didn't know much about anything really. 
The repercussions of abuse don't stop when you leave the abusive environment. No, it reverberates throughout lifetimes and passes on generationally. 
I'll go back to my PC now. 
We'll take that trip back again to see....

After cleaning up the broken glass and busted furniture, we then sat for some Chai tea.

I studied Mrs. D for signs of pain which she clearly had on her swollen, finger printed neck. I rose and took a tea towel from the drawer and some ice cubes from the freezer. I placed them inside the towel which I passed to her and she placed it gently on her neck.

"My husband has bad temper by God.  Always mad about something," Mrs. D said.

"Will he hurt the kids?" I asked tentatively.

"Not our culture, not for boys. Husband has all rights over wife. He is allowed to lightly beat his wife."

"So he can do what he likes to you? I asked incredulously.

"He cannot kill me," she replied.

"That's a relief, I answered a bit sarcastically. "How long do you think he'll be gone?"

"Could be today, could be next week," she replied.

"Okay, well, I don't want to leave you alone.  I should stay here just in case."

She looked at me and reluctantly agreed.

"I don't know what he will say when he comes back. If joo see, joo go down stairs. I talk to him."

"Ok, but I can't sit still if I hear more yelling and banging." I replied. She nodded in response.

It seemed the night crept away, and the sun was rising after all. The dispersal of rays through the windows managed to lift some of the gloom. Not long after, the two young boys woke.

Rubbing their eyes, they smiled shyly at me. One gave me the peace sign. I signed back and smiled.

What seemed like rapid-fire conversation happened between them. Their language always sounded so very fast to me.

Mrs. D looked at me. "Joo have breakfast?" Her voice still sounded sore and raspy. 

I smiled, "Yes, thank you."

"No," she said..."I thank you." Then offered me a smile. 

She made a simple meal of rice with egg, naan bread with a glass of milk. I got the impression that life in this manner was normal for them.

It seems the same with other indian families too.

I also learned something else.

My rage is not solely for my own purposes, but rears its head quickly when others are abused as well.

Still, I didn't know what was going to happen.

I settled for breakfast for time being.

Plenty of time ahead for worry....I thought.


Author Notes This story is a chapter in an auto bio called Spectre book 2 in the series. Book one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio should you wish to read. One word of caution, some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 17
The Quiet

By Lea Tonin1

Do your dance of circumstance
Plead no more from me
Beat your horse it's dead of course
Blind your eyes to see
Make your move which has no groove
Your path's gone to ground
Filled with mud deceitful sludge
No more will you be found
Volcanoes rise your purpose dies
In face of greater power.
These many years of created tears
No longer is your hour 
I feel as if the wide dragnet is finally coming closer together.  That the circle is getting smaller. I play the hurry up and wait game, while I gather my ducks in a row.
I hear the old voices in my head, berating me and saying, "how could you do this? How could you air our dirty laundry? How could you put it out there for everyone to read?"
The old voice sings that same song round and round in a crazy carousel. Then I come back to myself and I think, "sixteen years on the end of fist that's how."
Today we are back to typical rainforest country of a constant, steady drizzle we are used to in this part of the world. 
"It's raining until May and that's the weather."
I figure the weather man can take the time off until then. Lol
Rain does make the world smell fresh again, especially when you live in a city in the lower mainland where lots of people drive like maniacs and everybody's busy. 
I feel a bit introspective today. A little bit of inward thinking, I guess you might call it. Waiting for all the ducks to be in a row, I dream up all kinds of scenarios. 
Although I must wait in the here and now, we can see what we can do about the waiting back then....
There's only one way to do that and it's to sit down in front of my PC and carry on....

We spent the morning playing some games with the children, which they seemed to enjoy. There was a bit of a language barrier but Mom did her best to translate. I attempted to teach the young ones how to play 'Fish'. Since they weren't too far into elementory school, it was a little bit difficult but, instead of calling a number, I showed them the card.

I kept saying go fish, Mom would translate, then they'd look around the room crinkling their noses. It was pretty comical actually.

It was nice to see Mrs. D smile even though her throat still hurt.

Every once in a while though, we'd hear the rumble of an engine go by the house. Mrs. D would stiffen up and would look at the door waiting for it to open. When the sound rumbled away, she would loosen up again. I knew this feeling of trepidation. The fear of waiting for the axe to fall.

I hated it, and I'm pretty sure she hated it too. Living in fear keeps a person on alert  round the clock leaving me shaky too. Although, no way to live, the senses are highly active, highly in tune with every thing around. Every sound, every change in light, the change in pressure, the creak on the stairs, the turn of the handle and finally the shape in the doorway.

I sometimes think we know it before the perpetrator does and I knew everything she was thinking and feeling and all the emotions she went through, especially with someone who's supposed to love her and protect her.

This frustration is the hardest. I knew all those things and more. I understood the fear and nervousness that she was experiencing. Take the experience of hyper vigilance times sixteen years. So imagine the mind who's scared of someone. The tremendous advantage that ability can have. Not always, but it can sometimes, save your life.

I wanted to tell her that. Because I didn't know it until I finally made the connection myself.  I always thought I was just afraid. I wanted to tell her to trust yourself to trust your instincts and never hesitate.

She turned on some cartoons for the kids and returned to the kitchen table. With a sigh she looked at me with sad eyes. Quietly, I pointed to the scar on my lip where my tooth had been shoved through. Then I showed her the scar under my chin. I showed her the scar on the bridge of my nose where a beer can had stuck right in the bone. I showed her all these scars and then produced a fist and put it under my chin.

She came to realize I knew what she was going through. I had lived through it too but, not from a spouse. 

From a stepfather.

I saw tears come to her eyes which she quickly shook off.

For the remainder of the afternoon, the kids played quietly. Occasionally they would watch the TV. 

I tried my best to help her in the kitchen but, had no clue what she was cooking. I knew it smelled interesting though.

She just smiled at me and said she would call me when it's time. I took that as my queue to go downstairs and give her a little bit of space.

There was no sign of Mr. D that night or the next night for that matter but on the third night...

Then I heard a woman weeping....

The tension of those two nights I remember, did not afford much rest as I recall.
That's the thing though.  I recall everything. I remember all of it.
Everyday that impacted my memory. I remember it.
Same memory I took with me in my professional life. I also have it in my comedy one too. I can remember thousands of jokes. Personally one merely has to pick a subject. 
I very often wish I didn't remember everything. My one sister can count her memories on her hand and my younger sister was rescued at age five by her father with her own scars to bear.
But someone needs to, I'm that someone. So I'm going to keep on riding the emotional roller coaster, knowing that there's a means to an end.
I thank you all for hanging in there with me. Although hard at times, I feel your presence. Thank you everyone!

Author Notes Is this chapter is part of an auto bio called Spectre book two in the series. But one is called ghost both can be found in my portfolio. Should you wish to read a word of caution, some chapters are difficult to absorb. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 18
The Return

By Lea Tonin1

The quiet cape of nature's bliss.
Surrounding feelings of peace.
Drifting mist through tall stands of grass.
A fog she shifts in a groovy dance.
Disturbed only by  movement born.
White tail dusting the cloudy air.
Vaporous fingers on pale stretched legs.
Pops the canines face of smiles.
The tongue in happy dangling.
Carves trails in dews embrace
Pomeranian companion, joy is her game
Spirit's her name in beautific simplicity
So, not 10 minutes ago. She tries again to have me removed from my home. What is it? I cannot understand such drive to hurt someone else! I can't even think of such a thing. To purposely set out to destroy someone, to make them homeless, to give them emotional scars for life.  Who does that?  That is not human!
Forgive my rant.
As she continues to mess with my personal space it is difficult to not retaliate. My retaliation comes in the written word. How am I feeling?  Pissed. 
The poem above, I wrote this morning. Just standing in the yard watching my dog bounce in the grass. It occurred to me, what a nice beginning to a chapter that may not be so nice.
I think it's better to think of the poem, instead of how mad I might be.
So we've gone for in depth DNA testing, my sister and I. A deeper look than just, who's mom or who's dad.  I am who I am. What they did resulted in me, my sister and then of course, my half-sister.
"Steady the course." I keep telling myself.
"With the wind at your back, just steady the course."
It's a nice thought which sometimes helps.
Let's look in on her...we'll do this a fair amount you, the reader, and myself.
I'm riding two horses here...I'm glad your all here to ride the other one....

Hearing a woman softly weep disturbed me. Something was wrong.

The hair on my arms and the back of my neck were zinging with little electrical shocks.  I could not stop myself from going and listening from the bottom of the stairs.

I could hear no children crying. Just the weeping of a woman and the low murmer only a man can produce. 

I looked to my right and noticed the front door was slightly ajar. Seemed maybe he was in a hurry to come in or too lazy to shut it properly. I didn't know which.

I listened for further signs of distress, I could still feel the strain in the air. A thick sensation of painful anticipation.

After a few minutes, I saw her silhouette walk across the hallway entrance into the kitchen. She turned her tear filled face to me and gave me a small smile, her hand making a downward gesture as if to say,

"All is well, you can go down now."

Not all of me was buying it. That gut feeling of dread would not leave me. I walked uncertainly away. Not sure of whether I should stay or go, my instincts remained alert. As I kept my ears tightly tuned and my senses highly aware of any changes of pressure in the air, any sign of danger,  I registered it.

Sleep could not be attained under such conditions. The night crawled like a centipede across a leaf eating as it went.

I waited for sunrise keeping my ears and senses tuned the whole time. Finally, in what seemed like forever, I could hear the sound of small feet padding down the hallway towards what sounded like the kitchen area. I waited and then heard a slightly longer and heavier stride down the hallway which sounded like Mrs. D. My suspicions and my fears would not abate though. At the time, I didn't know why. I would soon find out.

I heard Mrs. D moving around the kitchen and the smell of food soon wafted down to me. My stomach growled in spite of my alert status.

A couple minutes later, the oldest son came down,  smiled at me and gave me the peace sign.  He then waved at me to come up. 

I didn't know if Mr. D would be joining us, or if this surface feeling of peace was going to blow up at any second.

I didn't see Mr. D at the breakfast table. Just myself, the two children and Mrs. D who served up a lovely breakfast of eggs, rice and sausage with the usual serving of naan and chai tea.

I heard a toilet flush down the hallway. My heart picked up a beat. I knew it was Mr. D coming down to the table.

I looked up at Mrs. D, she again waved her hand downward.

I sat quietly. Mr. D came to the table and greeted his sons then looked down on me with his large, deep brown eyes.

"I'm berry sorry." He clasped his two hands together as if in prayer.

I looked at him not knowing what to do, I just nodded at him.

Breakfast was held in mostly silence the tension not quite dissipated, I remained on yellow alert.

I was afraid that something would happen when I wasn't there. Afraid that I would come home to something brutal. Afraid I would come home to something dead. My senses would not let me go. So I watched, I listened.  I paid attention....

I didn't wait for long....

I had not yet learned that chaos followed me wherever I went. Like a magnet South to North. Or perhaps attaching a picture to your fridge using a magnet to hold it on.
I think back on those days, so many of those days when I didn't know any better. I didn't know if I was doing good or making yet another mistake.
Such was life though when you're unprepared.
So I forged ahead regardless...with many bumps along the way....

Author Notes This is a chapter in an auto bio called Spectre. Book two in a trilogy, book one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio should you wish to read A word of caution. Some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 19

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

She trips along on infant feet.
Seeking mom just silence greets.
Where is mom?  She asked all week.
Soon forgets, never to meet.
Child grows, limbs are longer.
Lost to mom, she won't call her.
No protection, she won't bother.
That or fist, one or  another.
One or other, seeks life the same. 
We can't ask as she's to blame. 
Wish to hide as it's her name.
Sever ties, recall her game.
I think sometimes we need to spend time being introspective.
Most of our answers are within ourselves, it's a matter of finding the path. It sounds simple, but it's not, I know. Anything worth having takes work. Well, I'm approaching retirement age.  Let's get the show on the road. If life was so easy.  If answers and if everything we do is so easy, I think that we would be a more peaceful race. 
Sing to your sadness and beat on your drum.
No place to find us so be on the run.
Crippled in silence because we are one.
Drop now you're metal and see that you've won.
I tried to remember that I'm one human soul in the vast hall of souls. 
Living and not living, to learn, to remember, to perfect my soul. 
God made all kinds of plants, all kinds of animals, all kinds of people and all kinds of planets surrounding all kinds of stars. Those planets could very well hold all kinds of humanoid life too. It worked for me.
But...what do I know.
My sister received notice that her documents are ready for pick up.  The first batch of proof coming our way.  I, however, received a letter saying that it would be until the end of January. Given the huge amount of information I'm like.
Wow, that's probably because I've had 6 different names growing up. Thank my mother for that mass confusion. But, the ball rolls just the same. No matter the camouflage written, visual or by the ear.
It makes no difference to the pile of the paperwork coming  my way. 
Since hers has come way ahead of mine, we cannot use each other as sounding boards for this it seems. I may have to do this alone after all. 
Time to saddle up the horses again.  Time to go take a peek at 1982. The world of fear and what corner to turn. Back to Mrs. D and to the girl I was.

It seemed quiet for a couple of days. Perhaps it's the honeymoon stage that they talk about in the fear circle of abuse.

In the beginning they're nice, then it's the nit picking, then name calling, followed by physical abuse, followed by the apology. The back to the honeymoon stage, then round and round we go. It just cycles over and over. I had finished a shift at work and received a family bucket of chicken. 

Going to the front door, I walked up the stairs toward the kitchen and placed the bucket of chicken on the table. I heard some rapid-fire speech between husband and wife then Mrs. D picked up the bucket of chicken and passed it to me.

She waved me off as if to say, take it and go. So I left but not so fast as to not catch the glare of Mr. D's eyes on me. I took the chicken downstairs wondering what the issue was and what the exchange was about. Once again, all the hairs across my neck and arms were standing up at attention. My spidey sense was tingling louder than usual. I listened closely to the rise and fall of their voices. I knew what I was listening for too.  The tell tale signs of danger.

The clip of syllables and the deep rumble of Mr. D's voice clearly sounded malevolent to a growl.

Mrs. D's voice sounded the opposite. Placating and soft. It was unclear whether the voices were escalating or descalating. After a while the voices quieted but I still didnt like it. 

I leaned back and listened, then felt myself drift off into a light sleep.

I was dreaming.

I knew this because I could see his fist come at me faster than life. Nothing in reality could move that fast and no fist could be so big. Just when I was sure of connection, my eyes snapped open.

I looked around, it was dark and I still hadn't taken off my work clothes. Quietly I changed into a night shirt. Then I ate a quick piece of chicken, lay down on the couch once again. It was quiet. It was much too quiet. It was happening or, something was going to happen. I could feel it in my bones. A shimmer deep within the marrow radiating outward. I waited, there was no sound but, that feeling still persisted. I waited so long that finally, I began to drift away again. Sleep took me for the next few hours. The reason for my trepidation made itself known. So much so I thought the sound would break my ear drums. "Aaargghhhhaarghhaaaiiieeee!!" 

I ran to the stairwell in time to see Mrs. D getting  tossed down the steps to the landing at my feet. I looked up in time to see Mr. D had thrown something heavy and dark which bounced off my skull.

Starlight, blackness...lights out....

Even though things were terrible, the hours zipped quickly by.  The adrenaline and the unbelievable amounts of energy used to stay alert was palpable....
Going back introspection while the time is nigh....

Author Notes This chapter is part of an autobio called Spectre part of a 3 book trilogy, this is book number 2. Book one called Ghost can be found in my portfolio. Should you wish to read a word of caution. Some chapters are hard to absorb. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 20
Mr. D. Part 1

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Horror is not mine alone
A trick of darkness blood and bone
Oozing oil stretched its finger
Negativity set to linger. 
Grab the light to burn the black
Cut the stream and send it back
Malevolence will pause to fight.
Brings to bear its awful might
Isolation no longer true
Dumps in pots and set to brew.
Permanence, not carved in stone
Horror is not mine alone
While I write this book, I am also paying attention to book one called 'Ghost'.  It needs to be as perfect as I can make it. At the same time give book two 'Spectre' the proper attention it deserves.  So my mind is constantly moving back-and-forth in time. Different spots in my life, each section has its own life. It's own ability to express itself. With one serious goal in mind.
Knowledge...give knowledge to the people so we can protect all our young ones, all of our elderly, all our wives, and even husbands as they too get abused.  It's also to show what comes after abuse.
The repercussions, the collateral damage, the scars left behind. Carrying this emotional factor ourselves and trying to fit in with people around us, doesn't stop when you walk out the door. 
We went to the woods today. It's cold, clear and crystalline out in the open.
My little fuzzy girl was smiling in the sun, my canine caper pooch dressed in her gold winter jacket.
Other than my sister and pomeranian companion, I live a pretty isolated life. Just letting my mind wander with the beauty around me that still remains.
In the summer, I like to be barefoot. I have my feet in the grass or in the dirt when I garden. I like my feet in the dirt and my hands without gloves.
I like to feel connected to the soil.  It sure makes my plants grow!  Seems I'm gonna have plenty of time to think while I wait for documents.
This is when the ball rolls the most.  Looking for the correct lawyer that handles such cases while we wait the DNA tests will coming in soon. The hard copy evidence will arrive soon.  Somewhere in that time I hope to publish. I feel a sense of urgency. It also feels like it's all going to happen at once, such is the nature of my life. I'm going to take this quiet time of waiting and genuflect. Concentrate on the written words.
So the bus going backwards in time has arrived. 
Time to connect with the girl I was.
Time to go back again to the person on the floor....

There was a ringing in my ears...a high pitched squeal slowly decreasing in volume. Angry bees were buzzing for a place inside my head.  Somebody was shaking me. I opened my eyes and saw Mrs. D looking at me with a concerned and panicked expression on her face.

"Joo must get up! Quickly now!"

Too late.

Mr. D hauled me and his wife by our arms onto our feet. He pointed to the kitchen and snarled at us. I was still in a daze and the lump behind my ear wasn't helping. On the floor I saw the offending object. It was a stone carving of a monkey about four inches tall. Mr. D pushed us both up the stairs, while I was shook off the vertigo, and into the kitchen. He pointed to the table while he waited impatiently by it. We both sat.

Mr. D pointed at me then pointed at his head. 

I just looked at him.

Rapid-fire words snapped out of his mouth and Mrs. D translated. He said,

"Joo are fine, only put joo to sleep for a few seconds."

I looked up at Mr. D, which made my head thump. He just glared at me. Mr. D started shooting off a bunch more words to his wife. This time a longer batch.

"What did he have to say this time?" I thought now that my head was clearing.

Again, Mrs. D translated. "He say, joo have uhm...come between too much. Joo too busy. Joo push way in, now joo stay.  Joo can be like the others..." She tapered off and looked at me.

"What?" I asked. "What am I missing? What does that mean? Be like the others?" "He say, joo can be...sucker of cock."

"Like fuck!!" I blurted.

Mr. D made a move towards me.

Mrs. D quickly raised her hand to her husband and patted my leg showing me a hands down sign as if to say, "calm yourself...wait."

I strained to hold back the rage for Mrs. D's sake as she requested. Shaking in my seat, I slowly got myself under control.

I kept telling myself, "Be smart. You've done this before. You know how to do this. You know how to get through." But this time there's two small children and a woman involved.

I didn't know if I could get them through without being smarter than the average bear or if Mrs. D was even on board.

I held onto the idea she was and forced myself into silence and stillness. "I turned my gaze to the kitchen window as I continued to struggle with my temper.

Pale streaks from the golden orb began to climb over the horizon. Orange fingers of light grip the mountain tops to lift the sun into the sky. Even looking at the splendor, in my head, I'm on constant alert for the man hovering over us delivering us his nastiest look.

This wont last long with me.

I needed to have a few minutes alone with Mrs. D.

I needed to get us out.  

I needed to at least try....

That was a scary time but, oddly enough, not as scary as it would have been had I not experienced it before. Sometimes life just climatizes people and we forget to be shocked at certain things. Not a disassociation per se, just a knowledge that experience rides along right beside fear. They somehow cancel each other out in certain aspects.
I bid you all wonderful days and may all your hopes and dreams come true!
This is the time of year for that you know...hopes....

Author Notes This chapter is part of book two in a series of three, called Specter. The first book is called Ghost and can be found in my portfolio if you'd like to read. Please note, some chapters are hard to absorb. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 21
Mr. D. Part 2

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Set a new mortality Changing life's morality
Want it now can't you see Gratification family
Curtains draw old school dies
Values lost cantankerous lies
Empathy no earthly cries Love to search corporeal ties
Do not acknowledge this is so
The human side must not let go
Let the cleansing waters flow
Join the light for one grand show
Today I watched a snowfall. Big fat fluffy flakes. They waltz on the air drifting past one another slipping down like a feathers back and forth.
In rainforest country we generally have rain. But today, we had a big 1.5 inches of the white stuff and the whole city turned into a parking lot. 
I spent many years in the prairies.
It was ten months of winter and two months of summer, and the only way you could tell the two weeks of spring had arrived, was all the dead gophers on the road.
It was bone chilling cold in the winter there. Negative forty, and then we would get what's called a Chinook.  A warm spell from the south would envelope the city and create an atmospheric orange cap over it, and then it would be plus two again. Then it would deteriorate and the prairies returned to freezing cold.  So much so, you can't even pack a snowball.
The snow is so cold and the air is so cold, it wouldn't stick together. 
I'll take the rain forest country thanks.
It reminds me of how little we get of snow.  It was rather comical watching my dog play the ballerina and tip toe through the sticky white stuff. 
My trusty PC which has been putting up with all my BS, waits patiently knowing I will return soon.
It blinks as if it knows I won't leave until we've journeyed back again. The windows logo flashed shaking me from my reverie. I sat down.
Let's visit again...ok...right now....

Mr. D once again started forming words in what sounded like a tape recorder on fast forward. Mrs. D responded the same way and looked toward me again.

"He say, joo try to poison with bad chicken. He say I make joo come to live here so joo take some wife duties."

I couldn't help but glare at this man and say in no uncertain terms.

"Fuck that shit! You can stuff your wife duties! If you want that, you can go downtown!"

Then I thought, "Uh oh," as I watched his brown face turn black. "I might've made this worse."

He grabbed me by the collar of my nightshirt, scrunching the fabric in his fist as he pulled my face close to his. Sputtering and spitting, he was so angry.

He started talking in his language which I couldn't understand. His wife's voice rose in pitch as she waived her hands at him. He shoved me back in my seat and turned to his wife. He too waved his hands in the air. This action seemed to be required when they expressed themselves.

Mr. D stomped his foot and stormed into the living room while Mrs. D followed. 

Suddenly I was alone....

I could hear them bickering between themselves from the living room.  Voices rising and falling in the argument.  Mrs. D tried to de-escalate the situation with a calm voice. Mr. D seemingly wanted to exert control. 

I  looked around the kitchen for some kind of weapon. A rolling pin was lying almost within grasp. I was making a grab for it when the pair came back in the kitchen.

Mr. D caught me in the act. He immediately strode round the table, grabbed my upper arm in an iron grip and pulled me from my seat. He dragged me down the stairs while his wife tried to get him to let me go so, he back handed her.

I struggled, pulled and tried to pry his fingers from my arm.

He hauled me to the spare room downstairs where I put my clothes and, he tossed me in, immediately followed by his wife. We both tumbled to the floor.

The door quickly slammed behind us and a key turned the lock. I then heard Mr. D's feet stomp back up the stairs.

"What the hell is going on here?" I demanded. "He acts just like my stepdad! "This only ends badly you know this!" 

She waved her hands again trying to get me to quiet down.  "Shshsh". She said. "We must let him calm down. He will come back say sorry."

Bruises quickly formed on my upper forearm angry and purple. I wasn't feeling very forgiving at the time.

"We have to get out of here. You've got two kids up there!" 

"Joo have to wait longer if joo keep make noise." She snapped. 

She never snapped at me before, but I suppose she was under a lot of stress too... probably more.

"Joo will go soon. We can't go. Husband will do worse and family disown."

I understood the trap she was in and how small her world had become. If I had to wait, then I made use of my time.

I must try to change her mind. It could mean her life....

Or the lives of her children.

Well, it's very close to three am now. It's time to say goodnight to this chapter and share.  I'll continue tomorrow.
I still marvel at the wonderful support here at Fanstory. People can surprise you in a very real and compassionate way.  People full of wisdom and insight. It inspires me to be better than I am.
I have fine examples right here!  Thank you everyone and good night for now.
Because we do have to go back after all.
We can't leave her there in that dark room with Mrs. D....

Author Notes This chapter is part of a trilogy. This is number 2 called Spectre. The first one is called Ghost. They both can be found in my portfolio if you wish to read. A word of caution, some chapters are hard to digest. Reader disrection is advised.

Chapter 22
Mr. D Part 3

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Can we find the apple for the juice
Can we find for the words for the letters
Can we find the drop for the ocean.
Can we find the bird for the flock
There is no seeing without seeing
There is no hearing without hearing 
There is no love without love
There is no change without change
The deep dive within can be a scary place 
The reflection in the mirror can be a shock
The knowing we are alone within ourselves
The matter at hand must always be truth
This is called 'Integrity'. The reward...peace.
Can you see the forest for the trees?
The holiday season is upon us.  The time of year when families come together.  A reunion of loved ones so sweet to experience.  The exchange of memories, the feel of arms around you.  The bosom of the family. When I see a family close together like that,
I know there's only love. When I witness that, I smile and feel happy that they can experience such a thing.
I would never take that from anyone to have such a joy and peace in their lives.
I smile...and I cry too. I can't avoid it. It's there every year.
The best Christmas present I could give myself would be to stay away from those who cause me pain. So I spend it alone. It truly does give me joy when I see families together. Sometimes they're out for whatever reason. Sometimes they're sitting around the dinner table.
I pray and I hope for the seasons departure.  Please do not mistake me. I am happy and glad for everyone out there who has this kind of comfort in their life and it makes me feel happy for them.
It would be a lie for me to say that this time of year is good for me. Right now I'm feeling the loneliness creep up on me. It will increase until the holidays pass. 
I wish the tears weren't sitting behind my eyes every day during this time.
I do love the beauty that the season brings
That much I do enjoy. 
How do I feel today? A little sad, a little lonely, a little defeated. This too shall pass. 
Let us go back now.  The clock ticks and the alarm's gone off.
Time to go....

I really had to go to the bathroom, super badly. I'm sure Mrs. D needed that too. I tried distracting myself from the need to go. I started by packing up my clothes and getting dressed knowing that whatever resulted, I was gonna have to get out of here for everyone's sake.

But now we were trapped in a room without a window. It was difficult to open the door with out a hammer.

I looked around the room to see if there wasn't a container I could use in case of a go or pee yourself, situation. All I found was a large pop bottle I'd left the previous day.

Then I thought to myself, "What the fuck are you doing? Why are you sitting in here doing nothing? Why are you not trying to get out of here? What the hell is wrong with you?" That's it. My rage rose once again as quick as I think of it, it's there.

It was behind my eyes, the trembling in my hands and the shaking in my limbs.

I said through gritted teeth, " I'm sorry, Mrs. D, I cannot just sit here, be quiet and wait for your husband to calm down. This is ridiculous. I'm getting my ass out of here and I'm taking you and the kids too!"

"I tell joo I cannot go. Not our way. They will take my children. I cannot go," she replied.

"Okay, I understand but, you have to understand my position.  I cannot stay here any longer. I will not be locked up and I'm gonna do everything I can to get out of here whether he's calm or not."

Mrs. D put her hands over her ears like she didn't want to hear it.

"He hurt your knee when you got tossed down the stairs. You have purple fingerprint marks all around your neck. One of these times he's not gonna let go or it's gonna be the wrong hit or the wrong landing and something serious will happen to you," I said. "I'm sorry Mrs. D, but I have to."

I looked at the door lock. Sometimes the door knob had a hole in the center where you could push a pen filter through, push the button inside and pop the door open, not the case here. Besides, I didn't have a pen filter.

It seemed to me, on further inspection, that this was a key lock.  This made it a little more difficult to get through since the door locked from the outside.

I haven't heard any footsteps upstairs for a while. Nor the footsteps of children which had me concerned. So I concentrated on the task at hand thinking maybe they went out in which case they would not hear me at all. By then I had only one idea

Get out of this room. Get out fast.

All the world's in a crystal sleep in the winter time.
Just before spring comes, I can almost hear the rustle of seeds beneath the ground jockeying for position. Spring is my favorite season.  However, there's something to be said for the beauty of the sleeping world. 
A sense of peace. 
I go to chase that peace...wanna join?

Author Notes This story is part of an auto bio called Spectre book 2 in a series of 3. Book 1 is called Ghost. These can be found in my portfolio should you wish to read.
Please note, some chapters are difficult to absorb. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 23
Mr. D. Part 4

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Dread the night that comes to rape the sun dispersing rays that love the day.
The frown on the face of right prevalent having realized the loss of rule.
The unknown spectre king of miasma threatened those who wished to pass.
The darkest corners disguised in black cloak, the day gathers strength to do battle once more.
Continuing eons struggle for supremacy never knowing the fight is balanced.
The face of right sighs in repose. 
Sometimes I think about the things I see and things I know about anyone without ever having to say a word or offer someone some of the 'why' of things.  Or perhaps
Some things that may be coming.  You're coming. I can give you a partial, but that's in another chapter for now, suffice to say.
There's a chalkboard in my mind. That things are written on. I simply read it. That's all.
As I've mentioned, ability comes from two directions. A genetic one, generally through the females of the family and/or from years of systematic abuse.
Hyper vigilance developes a side effect, the ability to know how and why a person will react. Who they are. How do they feel upon the air? It's hard to express that. What is the vibe that you get?
It's not just genetics or a life of abuse that can create this extra sense. Things too contribute to this factor. It comes over a span of years in my case. I wanted to understand my family and in order to do that. I had to understand myself so, I became a student of human nature. (I'll get to that part of my story in a future chapter)
Learn how normal emotions work. That's how you can determine how abnormal emotions may work as well. Look at the different personality types. How do you feel inside? How are you outwardly? Relaxed or worried or smiling or what's going on. Pay attention to all the cues. Facial expression, tone of voice, eye contact emotional reactions, speech patterns.
Look at your inward cues, the voice inside you, your own physical cues in dealing with the person or persons.
That time with the D's family, It came in very handy.
So let's go there again. There's no time to waste!

Frantically, I searched around the room for anything that could help me pop the lock or get the door handle out, perhaps jammed between the frame and the door anything to jar it open.

Mrs. D just sat rocking, holding her head and crying softly.

"Mrs. D, has he done this to anyone else? If so, has anyone escaped and how did they do it?"

"No, only me. Always locked in, not get out," she answered.

"You think he's here or gone?"

"Out. He took the children to temple." She said.

"How long will they be gone?" I asked. 

"Hour...maybe two. He like to talk," she said while running her hands through her mahogany hair. 

"Shit. Gotta get this door open. Not alot of time." What's there wasn't much, since my things were already in a bag. 

So I inspected the trim of the door looking for places like that I could slip a finger or a fingernail under to try and pull up the trim and hopefully pop the lock. 

I didn't have enough strength in a fingernail to pull up the trim. Unfortunately, there was nothing in the room with which to leverage. So I looked at the connection between the door handle hardware and the door. Anything loose at all that I could find I would try to monopolize but I could find none. There was only two ways out of here and that was by his key or us smashing our way out. I couldn't do it by myself though, it had to be us.

"Mrs. D, I need your help. We have to kick the door out."

Mrs. D began shaking her head looking frightened. 

"You've got bigger legs than me. Maybe you're stronger. C'mon, we can do this together.  You can blame it on me."

She reluctantly stood and straightened herself out looking at me.

"Okay, when I say go, we'll each kick the door as hard as we can. Ok?"

Mrs. D nodded.

"Ready! Go!"

Nothing. A bounce back to the floor was our reward.

Rising to our feet we tried again.

"Ready! Go!"

We both kicked again. This time a nice satisfying crack could be heard.

Panting heavily, we both look at the perpendicular six inch crack on the right side of the door. Then we heard the front door open followed by the heavy footsteps of Mr. D approaching the door.

"Are you going to let us out, or should we piss right here on the floor?"

Mr. D gave me a smoldering look then turned to speak to his wife. She nodded then walked around him and out the door. He followed and locked the door behind him.

I freaking lost it! I yelled obscenities and screamed, banged the door with my fists and kicked it with my feet. The door opened again just in time for my hand to connect with his nose! Just enough to make his eyes water so I could zip around him.

I grabbed the front door knob, turned it and flew through the door!

I ran by Mrs. D who was leaning her head in their car window talking to her children. I knew as I was running that I'd be back. No shoes, no jacket, no clothes, no Mrs. D, and no kids.

Oh yeah, I'll be back....

Seemed I was always running in those days.
But young people did a lot of that anyhow or so I told myself. Running does not mean cowardice it means fighting another day.  
But it's a fine line between cowardice and using brains. It's all interpretation.  Perhaps there is no interpretation at all and it is simply dog eat dog.
Let's check and see how many dogs are left when we're done....

Author Notes Part of an auto bio called Spectre It is book two of the series. Book one is called ghost. Both may be found in my portfolio. Should you wish to read. Please note,. some chapters are hard to digest reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 24
The Decision

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

What is born of deception and misdirection
Tepid fruit poisonous with intent
It's only motivation in the guise of good
Comes the dark with malicious madness
Set forth in a mission of extinction
Ingredients designed to corrupt
Crawl the truth within clamoring for breath
She comes...damned in the eyes of light
Today's lesson it seems, is how to deal with rats. I can't speak for everyone but, I'm not too fond of the creatures to say the least.  Everyday issues still happen no matter the plans we make.
This is one of those act now situations. My room is not a part of the house proper but is attached to the house instead. 
My Uncle was kind enough to take me when I had nowhere to go. This was my only choice.
In the cities where I lived most of life, no one can live here by themselves anymore. It's not financially feasible for most of us.  A two bedroom apartment, we would be very lucky to see it for less than six hundred thousand dollars.  Unfortunately, my uncle has a serious cockroach and rat problem. These rats now invade my space. Go through my drawers, up in my clothes and run across me when I sleep. I can hear them in every wall around me every night. When I walk into the house they scatter, so do the cockroaches. The rat man came yesterday. He went and plugged multiple holes underneath the house and all the many holes that were on the perimeter of the house. They actually dig through gravel and cement to get underneath. So he plugged them all up, laid out traps. He then said there were dead rats down there and that the live ones have gone up into the insulation to have babies. The insulation, which runs through the house, has got rats. They are everywhere throughout the walls and now they are stuck and the smell is getting bad.
I'm truly sorry if people are offended by my writing this. This just happens to be first and foremost on my mind before I begin my journey back. I think it's a good idea in some ways to let people know how I'm doing and what I'm doing today. Not just yesterday but here and now.
In order to dispose of the little critters, we have to tear down walls. The owner will probably not want to do that. He will want to tear it down and build himself an nice new duplex and get himself three times the money he gets now. It's all the excuse he needs.
It's time to get out of here. I must go somewhere quiet to finish writing.  Somewhere my family doesn't know.
I go this weekend to look at a place...a cabin.
A little sooner than I planned but, one has to do what one has to do. Okay, now that's off my chest...thank you everyone!  It's time to travel again, travel back in time.
Head back to girl running across the lawn and down the street...

I'm running, I'm free, I'm out, I'm headed up the street. But where am I going?

I had no idea. I knew it couldn't be too far, I had people and items to collect. If I can convince Mrs. D that is.

'Think now. Where can I go? There's a playground a few blocks from here...I'll head there.'

I was at the park within five minutes. I sat down at a picnic table to gather my thoughts. I knew I was on the verge of tears. If I let slip that little bit of control I had left, I would surely break down and cry.

A deep well of feeling came over me. One that frightened me more than anything. Desperation... Despair. That's an out of control feeling. To not know where you're headed or in what direction and at a loss as to what to do next.  That's panic, that's desperation.

I sat on the park bench looking down at my socked feet. They were soaked through and I had two ice bricks at the end of my legs. It was fall at that time and not alot of sunny days left.

At the back of the D's house, ran railway tracks. A small strip of greasy bushes lined the railway behind and ahead. Close enough to watch the D's house and wait for Mr. D to leave. There was no way I could walk up to the front door knock while he was there, to wait was my only choice.

I took off my socks and rung them out, then put them back on my feet. I ran my fingers through my hair. I began to make my way through the park trying to stay on the high ground for my socks sake but, it was useless.

Wet was wet.

Getting through the park, I started to descend towards the railroad tracks. I walked along gingerly and picked my way over stones until I saw the back of the D's house.

I made my way as close as I could keeping behind the greasy bushes. I almost fell on my face! At my feet was a yellow milk crate. I pulled it out of the tangled grass and propped it behind the bush then sat down to watch their house. What seemed like hours was probably only minutes. It crawled along and took forever for that sun to go down or for someone to fire up that car and leave.

It would be Mr. D, Mrs. D wasn't allowed to drive it. Finally dusk arrived and I was super hungry, very cold. More time past when I heard a crash. I looked and saw the kitchen light swaying back and forth then the sound of glass breaking. Then I heard the tell tale sign of Mr. D's vehicle firing up. The spit of gravel, a squeal and he was gone up the street.  I waited a few minutes just to be sure, then I came up the side of the house along the fence line. I stopped at the end of the fence and waited there a few moments longer just in case Mr. D returned.

I came around the end of the fence and walked up to the front door.

I could hear nothing inside it was completely silent. I knocked again. Still silence no sounds of kids running around. But the warning bells on my head were ringing loudly! I turned the handle, the door opened.

It was dark...a familiar smell was in the air.

The coppery smell of blood.

I'm remember feeling pretty terrified when that smell came to my nose. For the moment now I must go back to the task at hand. I must bring my mind back to the present.
I hate leaving her there. But we won't...don't worry....

Author Notes This is a chapter in an auto bio called Spectre book two of a trilogy. book one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio if you wish to read. Please note, some chapters are difficult to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 25

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Break and bend snap and send.
grip your heart another start
save your glee 'til you're free
peace for some yours will come
Errant string one pull will bring 
tinkling bath to banish wrath
loosen chains no more remains.
End the waste create the haste.
Creep and crawl a stranger's drawl
away the Mad bring in glad
unknown want it's you they'll haunt
conquered beast lets make a feast. 
Today is a day for solving problems. Alright well, at least making plans to solve the problem. Tomorrow morning early, I depart for the mountains to look at some possible places to live.
The mountains is where I want to be. There's peace and serenity, quiet with clean air, beautiful lakes and great fishing. Up on the plateau's the moon is so huge. It turns the whole night night silver. You can see everything and know what it is to be another celestial body shining it's reflected light. 2% of the sun's and yet casts a silvery coating over everything it shines upon.. Then the loons sing on the lake and flying fish splash and plop in the emerald waters.
I'm outta here! 
To do right by all parties concerned I must, of course, give proper notice.
They gotta get rid of the rats though if they hope for another tenant. 
Much of a rat's activity is at night. Sleep is a challenge. Ugh....
How do I feel? Still disgusted in the rodents and bugs. But at least moving towards  plan of correction. I will have to put up with it, though. For another six weeks.  There is no choice.  So rat traps and hole plugs are all than can done for now.
I'm also preparing for the holiday season and cook my Uncle and my cousins a turkey dinner.  I will battle the cockroaches for ground.
I'm in the mountains tonight and I've come into the only piece of desert in our country. Called arid land.  It truly a thing of rare beauty. It is in the heart of our mountains where all our fruit is grown and is also vacation land for boaters, swimmers and wine tours.
I'm being's that time again. She needs help and I need to go to her. 
I invite you all to ride the time machine....

"Oh God," I prayed, "please let her be okay. Let the kids be ok." 

Silence. Dead quiet. That smell persisted, thicker as I started to ascend the stairs.

"Mrs. D?" I asked. No answer. "Mrs. D!" I said louder.

At the top of the stairs, I looked down the hallway. By the dim light. I could see puddles and spots of blood, by the dim light leading toward the living room. One single light shone in the dining room. Looking around, the house was demolished.  Looked like a large bull ran through there and Mr. D used his wife to create the mess.

Shaking, I followed the trail of blood from the hallway through the living room and into the dining room. The table was up against the corner of the wall. I could see Mrs. D's leg sticking out from behind. A soft moan could be heard. I went quickly to her side, pulled the table off of her and looked down at what remained. Her leg was bent at an odd angle. It looked like it was twisted from her hip down.  A large cut across her face went up into her hairline. Still bleeding quite a bit especially from her scalp. I didn't dare move her with her leg. It would only make it worse.  I could do something about her head so I grabbed a tea towel with ice and brought it out. Placed it upon her head and took another cloth and wiped away some of the blood from her face.  She came around slowly but as she did, her pain enveloped her again.

"We need to call an ambulance.  We have to, you're badly injured."

She groaned and gritted her teeth. "No," she said. "No ambulance." "Husband can fix leg. It's happened before."

"Where are the kids?" I asked.

"With husband." She said. Letting out the most excruciating moan of pain cut me because I couldn't fix it. I could do something else though. 

I heard the tell tale rumble of Mr. D's car pulling into the driveway.

"Mrs. D, I have to run. He's here. I AM calling you an ambulance!"

She moaned...but feet were already flying down the stairs to grab my bag. I ran into the room downstairs just as the front door opened.  I backed up into it hoping he didn't see me. 

I could hear his footsteps coming for the door. Then  his shadow filled the doorway. His glittery black eyes landed on me.

"Oh shit...."

So I drove many hours through the mountains today. The beauty and magnificence never fails to amaze times as I've been through years, it won't ever stop.
I love the magic power and the majesty of such great granite goddesses rising up all around.
None one can take that. Its mine alone. So I think we may remain. We shall see...
We'll see you and her very very soon....

Author Notes This chapter is from an autobio called spectre book two in a series. Book One is called ghost and they both can be found in my portfolio,If you wish to read, they both contain chapters that are hard to digest. Reader discussion is advised.

Chapter 26
The Call

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Glimpses of majesty on white dusted peaks
Trees set to bow to winters white cloak
Coating of diamonds wrapping the world
Great granite shoulders holds pale freeze
A blanket of pines covers jagged edge
Snorts of air stamps of galloping hooves. 
Antler's flash caramel in winter sun
Many point buck stares at blinding meadows
Digging for green with traveling muzzles
Owling eyes spin on feathered pivots
A silent dance for the rodents chase
Winged world flies on caribou ice
Today I have returned from the mountains. It's beauty never fails to strike me. The power of it never leaves me either, having stood at the base of many of these mountains and looking up as far as the eye can see, big jagged plates of granite sticking into the air.
The sky is so cold, it's blue darkened. Although I was not able to find a new home yet, I will. It's where I am meant to be. In the arms of the forest.
Things come as they should though.
There is business to take care of very soon, time to prepare documents to go through. Lawyers to see.  I feel tired but refreshed at the same time, having come out of the valley and into the trees once more. It's pros and cons in any given situation.
Mine is two fold. The need to exit this place because of the over running rodents. Things need to be done too. I think God's telling me to hang tough for a while. What I want doesn't matter. what I need to do is take care of business. I feel hopeful for many reasons...fearful too with a large mountain to climb yet again. I think the feeling would be normal given the circumstances.  One surprise from my little girl dog spirit. She will present me with a batch of puppies by the end of January. So I'm to be a grandma l o l.  Diaper duty coming up more like puppy training!
So soon the holidays will be here within a few days. I hope everyone's ready to go and ready to spread some love in the world.
I've neglected her too long. It's time to get in there. She's trapped and needs release.
Come and ride the horse with me...just a while longer.....
Nothing, he just glared at me taking another step closer. 
"MOVE!!!" I yelled in rage.
I had speed but, so did Mr. D. I tried to fake right but, he saw it coming and grabbed me by the arm. Mr. D had other things on mind too. I saw the same look on K's face the night he had me. The club night I wanted to forget.
When I saw the look in Mr. D's eye my fright almost had me until my rage began to rise.
"Listen, you fucken freak!  You've got your wife lying down on the floor in your dining room. She needs an ambulance now!! Right now!"
I wrenched my arm as hard as I could just as a flash of surprise crossed Mr. D's face.
I pulled free and made for the door as fast as I could.  Mr. D tried to grab me again like some one trying not to drown. I was too quick and out the door I went. As I ran down the road again I knew, I had to get to a phone. I had to call an ambulance now. I took a fast left heading towards the main road. A  market stands on the corner and with a phone booth I could use.
I sprinted as quickly as I could. Still in my socked feet, I noticed I had my bag in hand the whole time. How I don't know.  Everything that says I'm alive is in that bag. Without it, I was an anonymous person, without identity. When all was taken from me, I couldn't take that last blow.
There I was, bag in hand running up the street to the beacon of light that was the phone booth. Of course it started to rain. I ran into the phone booth, picked up the receiver and dialed zero.
"Please, we need an ambulance.!"
"One moment."
Then the line made a click and rang once more. 
"There is a woman, She's been beaten badly by her husband her leg looks bent out of socket.  She's got a severe cut on her head and across her face."
I gave her the address. 
"Are you on the scene?"
"No, I just left there," I replied.
"Ambulance and Police are on route. Mam,what is your name? Are you able to-"
Click, I hung up the receiver.  I leaned back against the wall of the phone booth breathing deeply trying to slow my jack rabbit heart. My arm was on fire and pounded harder than my heart.  I gently peeled back the sleeve of my shirt. A black bruise that circumferenced my arm in the perfect shape of a hand. Deep impressions of fingers and a palm pressed hard into my flesh. The swelling increasing quickly ran down past my elbow toward my hand. I gently pulled the sleeve of my shirt back down over the bruise. The sleeve being wet, was cooler than my arm.
However, I had to get some dry clothes on and dry shoes which thankfully, I had all three in my bag.
Just down the street was a gas station. Hopefully I could use their washroom to change.  I walked up to the side of the gas station rather than the front hoping that the door to the washroom was open. 
I pushed on the door and it opened. Going quickly inside, I locked the door behind me. Then selected dry clothes and removed my wet ones. I grabbed some paper towels to dry off.  I could hear the rain coming down hard outside.
I knew I had to figure out what to do. I sat down on the toilet and looked at the state of my feet. They too had sustained some bruising and cuts from having run without shoes. The bottoms of the socks were almost worn through and had smaller holes here and there. I changed as quickly as I could dreading the knock upon the door for someone to ask me to come out. I had a windbreaker in the bag which I put on overtop of my sweater but, it couldn't do much against the rain. In the jacket pocket was a $5 bill and some change. By some miracle, it had remained there since the last time I wore it.
I quickly exited the bathroom.
My stomach felt like it was about to cave in. I hadn't eaten in so long, I thought I might faint. Across the street was the one and only strip mall located in this area. In the same parking lot as the mall, sat a McDonalds. I headed toward it. Be damned the consequences I had to eat. I walked down the street towards McDonald's. My heart hung heavy in my chest. My mind was threatening to shut down. I didn't want to think about how I was going to feed myself.
I didn't want to think about where my next roof was coming from. I didn't want to think about where to go or what to do.
Walking in the rain, I sobbed. My tears mixed with the rain while heading towards those golden arches. My mind threatened to shut down, my heart hung heavy in my chest.
I was exhausted, drained...done.
Let another take this...just for awhile....
I have some of those feelings come up for me now in rememberance of that night....
The night that refused to die.

Author Notes This is a chapter in a book called Spectre and autobio trilogy of which this is book two book one is called ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio. If you wish to read please note, some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 27

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Santa comes a New Year in tow
The elves had finally let him go
Toys abound in Rudolph's glow.
Don't wait up or he won't show
Cookies and milk is Santa's gift
From us to him they'll be no rift
His reindeer's pull and make the lift
Into his bag his hand does sift
Ho ho ho his laugh you hear
The red clothed one no man to fear
Joy and laughter we hold dear
Live and love its real and clear
So I'm feeling a bit nervous today. Even taking my dog outside and walking amongst the trees, I was still nervous. It's not even my paperwork we're looking at yet. We've agreed to do my sisters first and so we are. 
Even though I know what a large chunk of it will say. There's always the unknown and that is what is making me nervous. What more will we find out? How much and how far does the corruption go? Perhaps more than we know.
I shall bring a lovely bottle of Sherri. I will share it with her and go through it bit by bit. I hate the feeling of fear. It makes me consider cowardice as part of the reason.  Really it's more about what is and what isn't. The sorrow for something that we've never had. A mother and a father who loved us. 
The blindness created with no guidance on how to survive in the world caused so many wrong decisions.  So much pain while learning the hard way. 
When I say abuse doesn't end when you leave your abuser, it's very true.  That legacy goes with you. It's a hard one to tear from your back. Ingrained reactions from years of an unhealthy upbringing. So much pain that could have been averted.
When I see other children out there, I wish to send a message. To hold up 'the real' like a picture. To say, "This is not all there is."
Then I wondered why there was so much I had to go through, why it was necessary.
Maybe, there is no reason why...
Maybe, there is only do....


"Hi, I'm sorry to bother you. May I speak with P please?" I asked, my heart smashing in my chest.

"Let me check if he's home yet. One minute dear."

"Thank God," I thought. "It's the right number." I went weak in the knees.

"He's coming dear, one moment." I heard a woman's laughter. The low voice of man and others chatting amiably in the background.

"Hello?" A guys voice answered.

"P?" I asked.

"That's the rumor," he answered.

"Hey P, it's-"

"I know who it is,' he interrupted. "Whazz up girl?"

"Uhm well, I'm sorry, I had no one else to call..."

"What's goin' on?" P asked.

"I...I have no where to go. Something bad happened and I have no where to go," I answered.

I could no longer stop the deluge of tears and I started to cry.  Control was no longer mine. I couldn't reign it in any longer, so I just let it flow.

"Hang on one sec," he said.

"Ok," I sniffed trying to stem the tears. I heard talking in the background, muffled unintelligible voices.

"Where are you at?" P asked.

"Near my old place," I answered.

"Ok, I'm not far from you. Just over the bridge. Dad has the van or I would come get you. Can you get here? It's like two miles from you.  Mom says its cool. You can come."  "Really?  Thank you so much!  I'll get there. Just give me the address. I'm walking so I won't get there right away."

"Ok," he said and gave me the address with easy directions.

I knew where I was going and knew I could get there. Thankfully, the rain had tapered off to a drizzle. Hopefully it would stop altogether. I began the walk, the walk that I would take me up the main road, toward the bridge, over the bridge to the first exit. Follow the exit up the hill until I go past two graveyards on the left and one on the right. First street on the right, first house on the right.  That's my target.

I was tired, but my feet were in decent shape. So I kept putting one foot in front of the other with a single goal in mind. Warmth, dryness and perhaps some food. When I finally hit the bridge the wind began to pick up along with the rain. Tiny darts of wetness slicing me from the side. Oh how mother nature can use her arsenal in very effective ways.

I leaned sideways into the wind and pushed myself forward. It seemed like centuries passed before I finally saw the other side of the bridge. Soaked and numb from my head to my toes, I could feel nothing anymore except the wind trying to push me over. I exited the bridge and began to walk up the hill toward the graveyards. My feet were packing it in. I knew they were even though I couldn't feel the pain. Approaching the graveyards, I felt my skin crawl. I didn't know if it was from the cold or from the graveyard or perhaps a combination of the two. I could see people toward the back of the graveyard flitting back and forth like flies. This did nothing to alleviate the creepiness of walking by this deceased occupied place. My journey past it made my feet move faster.

To the left and to the right was nothing but grave stones and old sleeping trees.  The dark people still running back and forth. Finally, the street lamp on the corner lit up my destination like home plate in a baseball field. Passing the graveyards, I felt a little bit lighter and slowed my pace just a tad to match my aching feet. The house looked cheery and welcoming. I could see people moving about within what looked like a kitchen. Attached to that kitchen was a large deck. I wondered if I should go there, or right around the front. I opted for the front door. Climbing the few steps, I opened the screen door and knocked politely on the wooden door. Sounds of movement and people chatting I could hear through the door. Finally the door opened and a very large woman answered with a questioning.

"Hello young lady.  Can I help you?"

That truly was my last hope that night. Knocking on anyone's door that you don't know is tough to do and having to be vulnerable in a place where vulnerability could cause you pain, leaves you with a questioning about everyone and everything.  But those days were all about chances. Chances for and chances against.  We never know until we do.  Necessity is the mother of invention.
So I invented.

Author Notes This chapter is from an autobio called Spectre book two in a trilogy. Book one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio should you wish to read. Please note, some chapters are hard to absorb. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 28
The Shore

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Sea lions bark on volcanic shores
Clapping their staccato beat
Air mariners swoop and dance
Silver surfers show the shine
Shore green boughs greet the waves
Lamenting their rooted stance
Their leaves in perpetual spin
Frolics on natures strong arms
Blue sky dips to court the horizon
Lapping the oceans salty embrace
Rivers entangle in diamond seas
Spreads breeze in widening circles 
The holidays have a way of spreading magic even to one such as myself who is generally alone.  I have been creating rum balls. Yummy! I had better be careful or I will eat the whole batch of them!  The feeling of anticipation grows daily. I'm not sure if it's a good feeling or not considering what's on the way. All roads lead to these twelve boxes and in one day, I will connect with my sister.  We will read over hers first followed by mine and compare notes along the way. 
First batch will be about her. Although many of the same things happened to both of us at the same time, it is in the nature of the way they disclose information. They will block out others names and leave only the enquirer's name visible as well as the staff involved.  These documents are a combination of years of investigating a corrupt family. So many clues along the way. I didn't put together until later in life.
That's what happens when all you get is lies.
Legal advice is pending upon the reviewing of this paperwork.  My sister's memories begin to return to her as I continue to jog her memory with my writing.
We will go together, my sister and I and we will face this once and for all and whatever comes of it, comes of it.
So far I've given testimony up to this point. All the things that have happened.
Now I will take you along with me on the journey through the evidence.
At the same time, we'll continue the trials of what was my life....
She isn't done yet....

Finally, I reached McDonald's. Staggering through the door, my head hung low, soaking wet once again. Approaching the counter, the cashier looked at me as if I was going to eat and run.

"Cheeseburger happy meal with a coke please," I said and tossed the five on the counter. 

The cashier took my crumpled up five dollar bill and rang the meal through. I received a big fourteen cents in change. On a tray the cashier placed my food. Sitting down by the window, I quickly inhaled the food. Sipping my coke I began to fade.  Exhaustion came on so strong, not even my thumping arm could keep it at bay. My head dropped to the table.

Black...that's all I knew for I don't know how long.


Someone was shaking my shoulder.

"Ma'am, we're closing soon.  I'm sorry, but I must ask you to leave."

Groggily, I opened my eyes and looked up at the Mcdonald's employee blinking several times.

"Ok, I'm out." I got to my feet, picked up my bag and walked out the door.

Shivering I looked left and right. I didn't know where to turn or what to do. A bus stop on the corner with a bench is where I decided to sit to try and figure out what to do. I didn't know what happened to Mrs. D and the kids. I didn't know if they were okay or if Mr. D was in jail where he belonged. There was no way I could remain there on the scene. The police would want to know who I am and seeing that I am still a bit under age, they would call social services and they would take me back to my grandmother who would ultimately send me back to them. I couldn't have that. Nor could I have what's been

So my grandmother was out of the question. I couldn't call her. There was certainly no calling any other of my relatives. They all knew what had happened and didn't lift a finger to help. There will be no calling any of them.

One of the few friends I did have tried to put me on the street. No calling her either.

I hadn't heard or seen from S and M for over a year and both of their phone numbers were out of service.

Despair welled up within me. I began to feel frantic not knowing which way to turn. Tears of frustration, sadness and fear rolled down my face in torrents.

Wait a minute...I do remember one phone number I could possibly call.  A very slim chance...a small tiny glimmer of hope.

My new friend P.  My air hockey playing, Bumpers patron, funny friend. I was ninety percent sure I could remember his number. Walking back to the phone booth, I repeated the number in my head. Reaching the phone booth, I dug my hand into my pocket then pulled out two dimes and four pennies. I took a dime and placed it in the slot. Getting a dial tone, I dialed the number.

"Hello?" A woman's voice asked.

"May I speak to P please?"

"I'm sorry, no one here by that name," she replied.

"Oh ah...ok thanks, sorry," then I hung up the phone.

"Shit! Shit, shit, shit!" I exclaimed aloud. "What the hell! I thought for sure that was his number!"

I looked at the change remaining. Fourteen cents. Only enough for one more call. I wracked my brain trying figure out what the number was. Then it occurred to me. I might have transposed the number, but which numbers? I tried turning the last two numbers around. It occurred to me, as I rolled the number around my head, it could be the right twist. It could be the answer but, I didn't know for sure.

I had to try.

I put in my last dime and dialed the number. It rang and rang. 



So many nights and days I remember feeling like that. That frantic, bottomless pit feeling as if you're falling and knew that the ground was way off. The inevitable 'splat' soon to follow. That out of control feeling and the reminder that not all things are in our control, as much as we might like to think so.  Time to set down my pen for now.
More Christmas goodies to devour er make! 
That's it....

Author Notes This chapter is part of an auto bio called Spectre book two of a trilogy. Book one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio should you wish to read, please note. Some chapters are hard to digest reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 29
Another Realm

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

A child's whimper for mother's embrace
Cries grew loud at a scared steady pace
Darkness surrounds no arms to hold
Her room and bed soon became cold
Slip through the doors on stalking feet
Out through the back her mom she's seeks
The dark of the lane the dog that howls
Her feet moved faster away from the growls
A steady resolve but fright still gripped her
On down the road the darkness a trickster
Calls for her motber her cries only echoed
Soon became lost and her fear became ten fold
With nowhere to go no way to get home
She slipped by a dumpster behind a cold stone Wrapped in a robe she curled in a ball
Her eyes became droopy with no warmth at all
The morning came calling the light had returned
A small crowd had gathered an answer was learned
Authorities surround a small covered mound
Blue fingers blue hand a small child was found
Gather your children and keep them quite close
Death was not planned remember this most
Today Christmas day, the best day of the year for many. That was my decision too, to try and make the best of this day as possible. So I cooked my brains out all day long.
Came the time to take the Turkey out of the oven I was 
walking with the turkey, one side of the pan slipped from my hand and the Turkey came down with a pan full of grease that dropped all over my right foot. 
Now I have third degree burns all over the top of my foot.  I never felt such pain in my life! Now I have a graft on the top of my foot which has silver in it.
Apparently bacteria doesn't like silver. My foot remains on fire and sleep comes with difficulty. But this is the year I'm going to remember a lot of.  The year of loss, the year of declaration, the year of scars and the year of healing. It's only up from here! 
Once again another trip backward in time. Back to the young girl standing at the door of a stranger's house.

"Hello," I introduced myself and then asked,

"Is P home?"

"Oh dear, you come on in here, you're soaked," exclaimed a very large lady with a cherubic face. 

"Thank you," I answered, grateful to feel the warmth of her home.

"You sit right down here," she said. "My name is Mrs. B."

"P!" She yelled.

"Your friend is here! Bring a dry towel for her!"

I took off my jacket and shoes then sat shivering. I looked around the room and saw a young, chubby man who looked like my friend P but wasn't him at all. I said hello to him and to a young woman sitting beside him.

Hi.  You're looking a bit damp! My name is F and this is W.

P mentioned you were walking here. Too bad...we could've given you a lift."

"It's fine," I said. "Wasn't that far."

"Far enough to get you like that! Whazz up girl?" P said while tossing a towel at my head. 

I toweled my hair and said, "Hey P, how's it goin'?"

"Better than you I think," P said chuckling.

"P, go run a hot bath for your friend." Mrs. B said.

She looked at me, "you have a hot bath dear and while your doing that, I'll make you some soup. Something hot to eat will warm you. Off you go." Mrs B said smiling at me.

I was bewildered, for a second. I thought someone was playing a joke!  I was just so grateful to be out of the cold, I went with it.

P showed me the bathroom with the tub already filling.  The steam, the warmth and the clean water beckoned me. I put my feet in the water which sent warmth up my legs. Sitting warmed me even more. Such a lovely feeling is warmth measured in clean, heated water. All clear and all my own.

Leaning back I dunked my head under the water and came up feeling cleaner than I had in a while. I pursued the soap bar through the water eventually getting a good scrub in. I leaned back to go under once again for the rinse. Sitting up, I felt squeaky clean. The cleanest I'd felt in sometime. I leaned my head back against the rim of the bathtub and  thought of Mrs. B. Her kindness and her friendly family, lent credibility to my friend as being a nice guy.

"Knock, knock, knock," went the bathroom door. 

"Soups on young lady." Mrs. B said. I drained the tub and dried my self off. 

Sifting through my bag I pulled put a pair of sweat pants and a T-shirt. After I dressed, I quickly combed my hair. Then I opened the bathroom door, poked my head out and looked both ways. No one there. I quietly walked into the kitchen and saw a place setting at the table and on it, a steaming bowl of chicken noodle soup along with some bread and butter. Mrs B gestured for me to sit.

"Eat up while it's hot young lady. The soup will warm you right and proper!"

"Thank you so much Mrs. B, I really appreciate this." I said quickly devouring the soup. 

When I finished, I started to feel woozy, my bones felt like rubber. Then my eye lids drooped and I could not stay awake. Drooping over my bowl, I could feel Mrs. B's hands on my shoulder.

"Come with me young lady, time for bed."

I followed with no complaint into a spare room with a fold out bed ready for me to rest. I crawled between the sheets and curled into a ball.

I vaguely remember her covering me up and then...I was out.  Out like a light and then some. I woke several hours later.

My blankets and sheets were wet from the sweat pouring off of my body and into my hair. I was shivering with a fever coming off of me.

And then...nothing.

Trying to keep my foot elevated from the thumping pain every time I put it down. Fluids are coming through the bandages soon. I will have to change the dressing soon. Lovely season this time of year truly is, even when you're alone. You can still pick up from the good wishes and feelings of others which brings a smile whether we want it or not.  
Happy holidays everyone!

Author Notes This chapter is from a book called Spectre book two of the series. Book One Is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio if you wish to read. One note of caution. Some chapters are difficult to absorb. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 30
Heavens Gate

By Lea Tonin1

that is its name
which loves its way through our souls
that is its name
which caresses in blood mangled touch
that is its name
which strolled in enticing deceitful guise
that is its name...
devours light....
Ouch...My burns had progressed into a fun infection. Back to the hospital I went so they could poke and prod, peel away some skin, put goo on and bandage things up. Then gave me pills and sent me home. The pain is lessened so I can now come and share with you again!
I'm not particularly wimpy when it comes to pain, since I've been subjected to it so many times. Doesn't mean it's good it just means I know the process. Having said that though I am definitely allergic to pain! I will have a nice scar to remember my 2023 Christmas. Perhaps it will look like a wreath or a present at least it'll be the right color LOL.
The one thing I found interesting in today's hospital care here in Canada is that I've heard a lot of nurses say that's not their job. I don't know what happened to our medical care system but it's really gone down. I'm not saying the nurses or anyone particular person is at fault, simply that it's a group thing with greed at the very top of the list. Someone's pocket is seriously getting lined. It is what it is and we deal with what we must. 
Soon the holiday season will be gone and we must all knuckle down back to our lives again but I would say this in this moment at this time of year, can you not feel more love in the air? Even though the world has commercialized the season you still cannot stop the love from flowing as this world is black and white as I see it.
Some good, some bad and the good flows at this time of year. Like a fluidic arm full of sparkle and light and glow that spreads itself around the world for a big hug.
That's the feeling I get.  Good then, I'm going to go with it! We've all taken a break from our lives for this season but, the girl in the past didn't get any breaks so I'm going to go back there for's time to move her along.
All aboard the time train!

I opened my eyes for a moment, the world looked like I was underwater! Everything was wavy, swimming about.

I could barely keep my eyes open. I shut them again. I don't know how much time went by before I could put together a coherent moment. Snippets of time here and there, little pieces of memory floating about. Someone was putting something cool on my forehead and then another where someone was trying to feed me some soup and some water. People talking in quiet mumbles in the background. Jumbled pieces of mash that I could make no sense of. No timeline could I place with it either.  I could remember someone changing the sheets just rolling me gently from one side to the other.

I vaguely thought, "I hope that I didn't mess myself."

I had some funky delirious dreams too.  Some not so great. Dreams of being chased in the dark, always with this sense of foreboding and the chase went on and on. There was an older man too. I don't know if he was part of my delirium or if he was real. He was testing my fever and listening to my heart.  I was pretty sure that was real...or not.

I woke up again, but that time I wasn't feeling so delirious. I felt cool, a little more comfortable then I had been. I looked around the room, there's only myself. The world wasn't swimming anymore which pleased me greatly since the idea of being underwater and breathing at the same time was freaky to me. My eyes closed again but this time it was to a long dreamless sleep of recovery.

I'm not sure what time had passed but, when I did wake up, I woke to a rumbling stomach and a full bladder I could only count this as good news. I slowly sat up swung my legs over the side of the bed. Gently I tested my weight on my trembling legs, held them there for a moment and when I was confident I wasn't going to fall over, I made my journey to the bathroom. How do you spell relief?


Feeling much relieved, I open the door and looked in both directions.  I heard voices coming from the kitchen, I walked slowly there.

"Oh my dear, you're awake. How are you feeling?" Mrs B asked with a concerned expression on her face. My new friend P pulled out a chair for me.

"I'm ok I think...a little wobbly, very thirsty," I answered.

"Oh goodness, of course and hungry too no doubt. Here's some juice and I'll get you a cup for tea."

She made up a plate too which she used to put some  crepes on with strawberries and whipping cream too. I've never tasted anything so heavenly in my life! I looked up at her with a grateful expression on my face and my cheeks full of whipping cream. Trying to drink juice at the same time. Finally I finished filling my face, stomach so full I couldn't put in another bite! It took me less than five minutes and my head started to nod again. I tried to fight it but my eyes just would not stay open.

"Oh young lady, you need to rest more. You've only just come out of your fever. Come on then, off to bed," Mrs B said. I didn't argue with her I simply let her steer me back to bed.

She drew the covers over me and then said to me, "Perhaps when you wake my dear, we can talk about how you got those bruises."

"How I got those bruises..." I thought. "That's the real question...."

That was the best, tasty meal I can remember by far from any Day of my Life I don't think that has been topped since.  I'm so lost in the funky feelings of Christmas kinds of being a long time is spent with my sister too so I didn't have to close my eyes all the way through it this time. 
Now it's time to think seriously all the things I'm grateful for and the list is growing.
Thank you everyone! May the new year bring you only good things!
Until we meet again....

Author Notes This story is part of an autobio called Spectre, book two of a trilogy. Book one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio should you wish to read. A note of caution, some chapters are hard to digest
Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 31
Mrs. B

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Sensing changes in the air
Turn around but no one's there
Perplexing orbs dance of light
Spinning sparkles join the night
Intuition, inadequate word
Spectral voice my name I heard
reverberates my mind with rhyme
Talk in turns, one soul, one time
Inside my head knowledge springs
Spirits news, such hope they bring
follow clues my senses collide
Poll the source six sense decides
Understand fleet foot is life
Full of plans beyond this strife
A ripple in a pond, a ring in a tree
A day in class, the bell rings at three
Awakening to a new day with the knowledge that soon this year will be over, I thought about the last two years of what I call the hurricane. Ending in the last half of the year being full of revelation, full of unexpected things.  Support and love from all of you! I'm feeling grateful again today for all of that and so much more. It is difficult to describe the function of the light against the black.  Some of it interchangeable of what life has been lately the last probably, eight months have been so much of a learning curve, an explosion of new ideas as I release the old. 
Belief...the big B word, the one thing I sought for so long is here! The New year comes, I know the coming year will be a battle in some ways but, it's a battle of light and not a battle of defense against the dark. There will be mountains to climb, conflicts to conclude.  My motivation is so much different now. I'm able to see from the outside and from within.  Armed with information, history and personal knowledge helps the out pouring onto the pages of my life.
I don't pretend to be any different from anyone else and I know that I'm not the only person who's lived through something like this or, God forbid, something worse.  This is not the story of one person but sadly, of many.  I hope and believe that this is a voice for all of them, for all those who need it.
So I'm feeling very contemplative tonight, looking at my burned foot which has calmed down to a dull roar, I ponder all these things. 
Perhaps now I can allow myself just one hope, just one peek.  The mearest glimpse, or perhaps a sideways glance at what is to come, what may come ot what could. 
I look down at my younger self and know what she has been through and know what she has yet to go through.  I shake my head and wonder how it could have all been but, let's travel along farther now, farther into the life that was mine and see and watch as I stumble through life.
The passage is least for a while....

The dam finally broke. The deluge busted and crashed through my control.  It was lost by one simple question.

"Tell me dear, what happened to you."


Slowly I awoke from a long and deep sleep. blinking my eyes open and stretching my limbs, I could only feel a slight weakness compared to before.

I rubbed my eyes and could see shifting shadows of light. The sun dancing on leaves tattooing their shifting image on the walls. The soft rustle of a breeze floated through the partially opened window, beckoned my rise.

After a few minutes the call of nature gave me no other choice. I slipped from the comfort of the bed and padded my way to the bathroom.  I washed my hands and face, combed my hair feeling much better than I did before.  The weakness quickly faded.

I inspected the handprint bruise around my arm and saw the multitudes of colors it had become.  It would soon fade as many other bruises had done and hopefully from my memory too. Entering the kitchen once again I could see P and Mrs. B sitting at the table quietly talking.

"Good afternoon, sleepy head. You look much better than I've seen you, young lady. I assume you're feeling better?" Mrs. B asked.

"Yes, thank you for everything Mrs. B, I really appreciate it," I replied.

"Oh it's fine Dear. I'm glad you're feeling better. Have some tea young lady, that will refresh you."

"Whazz up, girl?  You looked like a pile of piss yesterday.  You look more alive now," P remarked.

"Oh P, language son we've talked about this."

P just rolled his eyeballs. I smiled in return.

"We're going to have roast beef tonight, I'll need a volunteer for potato peeling." Mrs. B announced.

"I'm happy to help," I said. 

"Not today dear, you have one more night of rest yet."Mrs. B said. She pointedly looked over at P.

"Sure Mom, I'll help," P said.

I watched the dynamic between mother and son. Marveled that there was such a thing as affection and love. The way this family seemed to fill the house with sunshine and light was alien to me but also good.

The more I saw and did outside of my family's home, the more bewildered I became. It was all new to me and so were my reactions to what I was seeing, was as well. 

I didn't know how to take it, how to feel about it, or what to do about it. or even if I should do anything about it.  Meet confusion, that was my name.

Mrs. B sat down at the table and looked at me with concern and empathy in her eyes. I can feel the pressure against the wall in my mind holding all things back, while I was struggling to maintain control.

I could feel no malevolence from Mrs. B as she looked at me. Only a concerned expression showed on her round face and in her bright blue eyes..

"We haven't had a chance to talk," Mrs. B said. "You came here soaked to the bone looking frightened with large bruises on on your arm. Perhaps more, who knows but, something's obviously occurred my dear," she said gently.

"Tell me Dear, what happened to you."

Things took a turn for me in that time of my life.  A respite if you will from all the mayhem.  A break...a way of seeking who I was or who I could be, although I didn't know it at the time.  So many stumbles and blunders along the way. I shake my head even now at this time of my life, some things still did not click until recently. I wonder sometimes, if all my brains are there.
Some connections I should have made sooner. Perhaps I could have made a difference in things or perhaps not. 
I'm not really sure but I'm not willing to go back in time to find out. For now the girl I was can take a break in the arms of the B family.

Author Notes This story is part of an autobio called Spectre, book two of a trilogy. Book one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio if you would like to read. Please note, some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 32
The Unload

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Thunder quiet through deserts room
Drowned in dust avoids the broom
Fluidic sand its watered gloom
Wintry tan and autumns bloom
Molten ice the lava's chill
Freezing fire starvations fill
Rough silk grips a liquids drill
Effortless replete midlin will
Sunny storm its twisting state
Tornadoes calm the tidals gate
Winding road begs the straight
Climb the fall the early, the late
New year's Day...the first day of a brand new year and what shall I do with it?  Forge on!  Continue doing exactly what I've done. What I was meant to do.  My computer winks at me as I finish that sentence, knowing that I'll be back to type more. So many lessons learned, so much to tell and the words just keep flowing.
New year's Day here dawns crisp and cold.  A bright, blue crystaline sky and pluming breath in the air with a small dogs beautiful white smile. That was the start to my day. I hope yours was just as magical. 
The time to look over the documents has come.  My sisters arrived which we have read together. As you can imagine, it was and is difficult for her to go through from her own perspective.  My own mind spins with words wanting to come out but it's not my tale to tell.
For her privacy and for the sake of this narrative, I will continue from my own perspective as I have from inception.  I will not reveal her documents but, I will write about those similarities that are the same as my own.  Because it is raw, I can't help but think how much I despise the man that hurt us and how much I despise the woman who, at the very least, let it all happen. And then I think to myself, "God, let me not be so filled with hate because it's a shitty place to be." 
That is my personal internal battle these days and yet the more I know the harder it is to turn away from those feelings. 
Shall we go on a little stroll down the lane called memory? That place inside my mind where she lives.  Let's have a look at the young girl again. She seems to have found her niche in the world.
Put on your walking shoes folks...let's follow the trail....

I crumbled. My carefully built facade was falling off my face. The same one I wore for so very long, I just couldn't hold it any longer.

The kindness in her eyes and the soft entreaty of her voice, was enough for me to finally let fly all the tears.  The sadness, betrayal and the madness of all of it just came to the surface wanting me to pop the last door. I looked at Mrs B's face. it was showing only genuine concern and empathy reflected in her eyes.

"He hurt me...," I whispered tears tracking rivers across my face.

"I'm sorry dear, I didn't quite catch that," She said.

"He hurt me...he always hurt me, as far back as I can remember, only hurt." I started to sob.

I wrapped my arms around my torso, bent over and sobbed.  Gut wrenching, wailing sobs that I couldn't stop rang out of me. So I stopped trying and let it pour.

P looked around as if he might find a tool to tighten my bolts while Mrs. B wrapped her arms around me. A bewildered expression on her face she stroked my hair and told me it was going to be okay.

I tentatively put my arms around her, but felt weird not knowing or had much practice in hugs, I settled for a gentle touch. I finally just packed it in and allowed her to comfort me.

I hadn't realized how tight of a grip I kept on myself until I relaxed against her large bosom. After a while, my sobs subsided. I blew my nose half a dozen times, wiped my tears and finally I settled.  Mrs. B waited patiently while P patted the back of my hand.

"He just kept hitting us...punishing us...making us go hungry...making us bleed. The worst of it all was my mother watched, she knew, she let it all happen."

Fresh tears began rolling down my face. More controlled this time, not the uncontrollable sobbing of a few minutes before. 

The stupid, odd and irrational thing that always stayed with me whenever I talked about my parents' crimes, was the feeling of guilt. Guilt that they instilled in us.  A behavioral response drilled into our heads, brainwashed into us as children.  We were trained to be ashamed of ourselves and feel guilty if we spoke about them in any derogatory way. I felt it then in the telling of it. I became angry with myself that I had betrayed them, then angrier still they had that power over me.

It's fucked up, I know.

"Who was this dear? Your father?" Mrs. B asked.

"My stepfather," I sniffled. "My mother's had a few." As those words fell out of my mouth I realized how very true that was.  Once again it set me to wondering about my father. Who was he? Where was he?  Should I be feeling such guilt? Sometimes decisions were hard with the mind set I had.

"Oh my dear girl. I'm so sorry that happened to you," Mrs. B said kindly. 

"He hurt my younger sister's too and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Not a thing!  I was so angry and scared.  I didn't know what to do, or how to stop it. We were constantly punched and ordered around, we were their slaves, that's it."

Tears coming and going as they pleased, I poured out everything, all of it, right down to the dregs. Right up to Mr. and Mrs. D's house and having to escape her crazy husband which brought me to Mrs. B's house.

Finally my words trickled to a halt, my tears dried up and my body was tired. I slowly rolled my eyes up and looked at them both expecting to see an expression of disgust. None was forthcoming. My friend looked at me like he always had. No change in his slightly mischievous expression and Mrs. B continued to look at me with her earnest and honest face giving nothing but empathy. Again there was a letting go within me. That final, last wall that said maybe, just maybe I could trust these people.

"One last thing please.  Please, do not call the police or the social welfare people. They will send me back to them. Please, don't call them." I pleaded.

"Oh, young lady please, don't worry nothin' like that is going to happen you have our promise," Mrs. B said with a reassuring smile. 

I was exhausted again; sleep tried to grab me while I sat there at the table. There was no more left inside of me to pour out.

"Oh dear, you've done a lot today, that was hard for you. It's time to rest...We'll wake you for supper when it's ready, then you'll be right as rain," Mrs. B said.

"Yeah, maybe you can get your lazy ass outta bed so we can watch a movie after supper," P remarked as he winked at me.

"Language P!" Mrs. B said. I rolled my eyeballs back at P as I padded off to bed, no arguments at all.

Settling back underneath the covers comfortable once again, I could feel my eyes closing fast and my last thought was,

"Is this what peace feels like...?

That year I spent with the family, the only time in my life I felt at peace and completely safe. But when the year was done, adulthood stared me in the face. Playtime's over...
The ride's only just begun....

Author Notes This story is from an autobio called Spectre book two in a trilogy. Book one is called Ghost. Both books can be found in my portfolio if you wish to read. Please note, some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

***Picture by Pinterest***

Chapter 33

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Joy and sadness tangled fate
One came home extremely late
My gleeful sons rods in hand
Deceitful river fish they planned
Shifting forest running free
Twisting turns among the trees
Grinning water spies the meal
Two young boys come to heel
Laughing, spinning noonday sun
They bait their rods in hopes of fun
Jumping floating rock to rock
Follows the stream with no dock
Fluidic arm grasps the child
Muscled water river wild
Lost in waves shifting death
Small boy lost weight and breath
Searching, yelling, hoping, praying
Darkling dust a night in making
A silent moan, shifting white
Brought my son to my site
Along the banks amongst the trees
Lay my boy who coughed and wheezed
In my arms my son returned
The memory forever burned
Love, live in moments they say
So often time just slips away
My son's they grew
Thank God for two
Could have been one....
Or none....
One more day and it's time to go through all of those documents.  One more day it's time to line it up for the lawyer. One more day is when I'll sit back and watch Karma do her work. One more day from so many years of pain. day. 
I'm not sure what my complete reaction will be just yet.  There's so much I do know and what I don't, probably won't be a surprise to me.  But it's the unknown that I'm concerned with, could it be so much worse than I know myself? I'll prepare myself for it tomorrow while I do some work. I'll mentally brace myself as best I can.  I
I will, on my next chapter speak about it.  It will be like a synopsis anything beyond what really matters, will come out.  The rest is gravy on an already cooked roast. my foot continues to heal some parts still hurt other parts are becoming itchy which of course is a sign of healing both drive me bananas I suppose it's par for the course.  However our new year has begun those to the grindstone once again I cannot keep my eyes off the goal.
So back we go once again, back to the girl, back to the young person I was.  The one who was finally able to experience some peace in life. 
Perhaps I was on another planet or maybe, I finally found home....
"Hey...hey lazy ass.  Wake up, dinner time. You gonna sleep your life away? Hahaha! I'm just kidding get up dinner time," P teased.
"Hey P...."
"Ya?" He asked.
"Eat shit." He chuckled and shut the door.
I turned over and stretched as my stomach growled at the smells coming from the kitchen.   the memories from a few hours earlier came flooding back.  I had just spilled everything I had inside of me to these people. To these people who barely me.  I just  prayed I wouldn't be rejected because of it.
"Well," I thought. "No time like the present."
After visiting the washroom, I peeked my head around the corner into the kitchen once again. Sitting there with the entire family P, his brother and his brother's wife as well as Mrs. B and Mr. B (whom I had yet to meet).  They all turned and looked, then greeted me warmly.  I was very relieved to see that. I was equally relieved to see the same kindly expression on Mr. B's cherub face. His shiny bald head almost winked at me.  I never knew for sure what people will do when I first meet them. 
Mr. B patted my hand reassuringly. "Not to worry young lady. Just enjoy supper.  Mrs. B made a fine roast."
The meal was marvelous.  Almost as fabulous as the crepe breakfast from the day before. How great it was to eat a meal and feel satisfied and full and have it taste good. Sure, I've had decent meals before but, so few and far between as to really appreciate it when they come along.
The family joked amongst each other while they ate.  Talked about their jobs, their day and different people in their lives. The parents asked questions attentively and were truly interested in their answers.  It almost made me start crying again just watching the dynamics between them. I was so pleased to see it.  It was so very surreal and yet very much like the imaginings I had as a child.
I kept waiting for the bubble to burst, for the dream to dissipate, for the facade to fade. But nothing was forthcoming. Nothing changed. They were the same family that took me and the same family that jokes with each other around the table below and the same family that looked upon me kindly almost like someone waved a wand and my world changed overnight.
I knew that within and from this family I would learn what it was like to live amongst and be part of a normal family.  Something I never thought I could ever do. Dinner finished we are all having tea as Mrs. B liked to do after a meal.
"Well young lady, Mr B and I have talked about it.  If you wish to stay here with us that's more than fine and have no fear.  None of what you have told us goes beyond this room right everyone?" as she looked around the table.
They all agreed willingly. I have taken a couple chances before one of which I was lucky to get out of but it didn't feel like that with this family the air was light, the home was cherry and the people were kind. I sensed no malevolence, no hatred, no jealousy, no maliciousness whatsoever.
"If you're finished being serious and talking business, I have a movie to watch,"  P turned and looked at me, "you comin'? I got Blade Runner."
I looked at Mr. and Mrs. B.
"Well, you kids go your movie." Mrs. B said.
I followed P upstairs and as I did, this feeling of bliss, peace and safety came over me. I never felt before in my life and I never wanted it to pass.
All things pass.
For now... I'll take it.
I look back at that peaceful time of my life. The tranquility, serenity, the peace and the feeling of safety.  When the year was over, I continued to chase it.  I never really found it again but, I will soon.  My little piece of heaven in the mountains by a beautiful, warm Crystal clear Lake.  It'll all come back to me then...when all is written down.

Author Notes This chapter is part of an autobio called Spectre book 2 of a trilogy. Book one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio if you'd like to read. A word of caution, some chapters are difficult to absorb. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 34
Synopsis - Evidence Revealed 1

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

The deep dark maw, once so familiar to me opened up under my feet once again. I knew reality in words was going to come up and smack me in the head and here it is. all my life I never knew I was doomed.
I saw things through a child's eyes, the one who hopes, the one who loves, and the one who can't understand why. I still don't understand why. 
I don't need to go into everything I found in the paperwork but I will pull out some telling quotes. proof in my face of everything I already know. I was telling the truth. Everything I knew instinctually and with the clues along the way, pointed me to one conclusion and I really did not want to be right, but here it is in my face. The first thing I read, of course, was the letter that came with the document copies.  the first line that said and I quote, 
'some information has been withheld pursuant to section 15 (disclosure harmful to law enforcement). information that has been withheld are stamped at the bottom of the page corresponding with the section stamp.' 
A person like myself knowing what I know and reading this right away, that it's the first thing they tell me, rings major bells for me. So much has been redacted and omitted from this paperwork, but it leaves me enough to follow the trail and enough for lawyers to demand all the information required.
the quotes that kill me on a personal level, I should give as they also corroborate what I'm trying to say to the world.
May 1974, mothers (whom I shall refer to as J for quoting purposes) opinion of me as her oldest child. I was ten and I quote, 
'J describes Lea as being a very unlikable child. she states that she whines, yells, screams and nags. She describes her as a very distant child with no friends. bosses other children around and cannot play with them. J states that she feels that she is the Queen of Sheba. J still finds her quite annoying and states that she often acts like a baby and engages in baby talk. her personal habits are poor and she won't bathe for a week and consequently the children call her 'stinky.'     
'She expressed zero love. Her affection towards me was zero.  She did not want me from day one.
If we were dirty it was because of her, not because of us, we're allowed a bath once a week and we three girls shared the water how clean are you going to stay? 
All of this she blamed on us. me in particular, the ones she showed no love for, who showed no interest in our lives at all, ever. She resented me the most, It was a general distaste of us apparent in the next combined quotes. 
J expresses expectations of Lea that she cannot keep given her age. J is definitely giving the children too much responsibility. this responsibility could be handled if she were to involve herself in it. Her expectations J has of the children are too high and she will have to mellow these along with becoming more involved in the past and chores that she assigns the children. She gives the children chores to do, but not does not step in and help them or give them very much in the way of instruction. it would seem that anything that she dislikes doing around the home ie: house cleaning, is being delegated to the children. the children should all be happy and have good tasks too.
J sees the children as making a mess that she has to clear up.
J is not engaged in such basic chores as even getting the children up and ready for school. She leaves the home very early in the morning and leaves this responsibility to HJ has few positive things to say or do toward the children and their presence in the home.  Julie is not able to relax with the children. She can't play with them or engage in normal conversation. Most of the conversation consists of orders and instructions. J's hostility towards the children is quite apparent. She fills her role as the domineering, demanding mother, laying very high expectations on her children. She presses them to do things in her way.  She is not openly demonstrative or giving to her children and consequently the children do not return openly or giving to her, she therefore sees them as being cold, withdrawn children. The children go from this reserved attitude out into the community where they are unable to meet and to make friends. They either overreact and become too demonstrative which turns off other children or they're very obtuse and lay demands on the other children as the mother does on themselves. 
I'm not going to write every quote from every report. suffice to say it contains much more of the same about a disinterested mother at best. a nagging screaming abusive one at worst.  now these three depressed girls that have a mother like this were sitting in a hallway outside of an office waiting to see the social worker and my mother says and I quote, 
'if you tell them what he does, they'll take him away then who will pay the bills.'
I've Taken all that information and I compared it to a report in the stack of reports that says one of my mother's wishes were that we children would stop fighting, tattletailing, yelling, screaming, being depressed, distant, sad and acting out or lack of hygiene or lack of manners or lack of any fundamentals that should be taught to us by our mother, take all that and then add this: 
I could feel the pressure around me, squeezing my chest and pushing the air from my lungs. my breathing became fast and I was unable to take complete full breaths.
I started to whine and cry quietly behind my hands and hope he didn't come in the room, hope he didn't hear me. I saw the handle turned slowly on the quietly swung open allowing the hallway light to cast upon me. I knew he was moving closer to my bed even hiding under the sheet, I still knew he was there staring at me deciding what to do. He settled for dragging me and my sisters down the stairs one punch at a time into the kitchen where my mother sat. Someone had lied you see and at two in the morning, he was going to find out who did it and he's going to find out in the worst way possible. by the inflicting of pain on a 10-year-old and 9 year old and a 5 year old. His fist flew and connected with our heads multiple times throughout the night while we tried to comply with his clean up demands and who had lied. While he hit my sister's I could hear the cry and the thump of the knuckle upon their skulls. The great fear, anger and frustration pent up in my little body and there was nothing I could do. We went without food that day as we did for many days. Stomach's emptied, blood poured children cried...and died.
We're forced to lie to social services, then they dragged us out of bed in the night so they could punish us for lying.
oh my God what a trap they set for us and the pain of it is excruciating.
Social services so woefully under trained did not detect or make the connection in any way whatsoever even though it was glaring and came out the end of their own pens thAt we were,in fact being severely abusedm Include the involvement of my grandmother delaying and detaining, (yes, all those reports are there) the involvement kept the wheel of abuse going round and round.
I wanted to show what we started with before the men, before all the beatings, and then carried on even worse when the men started coming in and out of our lives. 
as I said, doomed.
They wanted lives...they took ours.
What chance would we have? What chance did we have?
there's only one thing I did have. Anger, fight, brains. gifts from God. They hated me the most and showed it daily. I did most of the work, I took most of the beatings and most of the other myriad nasty punishments they could come up with.
I needed every ounce of God given strength I had to get away.
the foundations of childhood were set for failure. I can only say that I have enough records of all of it. All I've said and saying. even with all the missing amounts of paperwork that they have chosen to keep back (I know my family's involved in that) I have enough to move forward. This is the time now to be careful, more careful than I've ever been in my life. Every move has to calculated and smart and cannot be emotionally motivated. So here I am my fan story friends giving it to you because I know I can...
For a while I'll wear the identity they gave me. I'll wear the idea of me portrayed.
I'll be the spectre in my own life....

Author Notes The synopsis is part of a story called Spectre. Book two in a trilogy book one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio if you wish to read. A note of caution, some chapters are hard to digest.
Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 35
Synopsis - Evidence Revealed 2

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

nightmares and old memories rise to the surface when I sleep.  two days of hard reading and connecting the last of the dots leaves me  bereft and heart broken.
this knowledge meant that all the years of struggling under my parents roof was for nothing.. i knew it already. 
my sister and I came together and compared notes and within those notes we found anomalies and consistencies of a very strange nature, the first and foremost to note right away that section 15 and 22 were quoted as the reasons for withholding information.
one of which particularly caught my eye and that was the fact that it would harm police to reveal certain sections. What are they hiding? That question sticks with me.
They selected what they would give instead of all of it.
They did the same with my sister. The odd thing about that is that they sent me a letter saying they need another month to collect paperwork due to the amount of information and content.  They cautioned me not to read it alone. what I got instead was a small little skiff of what really was. I also know when my youngest sister retrieved hers, she's the one who spent the least amount of time under mothers roof, her boxes were multiple. 
Comparing notes even farther, we found many ommissions  throughbut. Some for both of our sets of paperwork some for just me and some for just her. We also found multiple notes on the observices of the social worker and yet they never connected the dots. These unanswered questions stick in my craw.  Blanks make me nervous and what I see is deliberate withholding of pertinent information.
There's is a form filled out that speaks directly about my grandmother and her intervention and having us diverted to her home which in the social worker's notes. it said it was a, and I quote, 
"an excellent alternative"
Many of the players and In the cauldron that was my life, are written in those pages in one way or another. 
The records will not be given to me not the records pertaining to my family. only where I'm mentioned can I look at it. what they deemed to be harmful, I couldn't look at it all whether my name was in it or not. 
Another report that during the time we were in a group home for a few weeks as an observance, the note said and I quote,
'The children are adjusting nicely and adapting to new house rules and seem happy and content. This change came swiftly almost to swiftly."
people could not make the connection or chose to overlook it, I don't know, that these girls were being mistreated is sad.
there are multiple notes of many visits that they made to the home, most while we were in school so my parents could lay out their stories without us being there.
It talks about charts that they were supposed to fill out for our progress. it talks about us earning money for allowance. I remember none of that. Their wAs notes about them giving too much responsibility to us and that our chores should be age appropriate. My parents played no part in any of our school functions, no part in any of the out of school functions. They had no interest in our lives whatsoever.
So we did something my sister and I. Knowing what we know.
Mother doesn't dare talk to me so, we decided to call her with myself being muted so I could listen, but that would be all.
We played our experiment of which we knew the answer but did it anyway. My sister explained to her that she'd received her paperwork and she wanted to go over some of it with her to get some clarification. I only agreed to be muted on one condition that she would ask two specific questions that required answers. She read much of the documentation pertaining to her and asked my mother about the comments, she disliked me, resented me, and much that came down to my sisters too, but she read it to her and the first thing my mother said,
"All the social service paperwork is bullshit."
As I thought, more denial.
However, my sister was diligent and said to her,
"Why would you make comments like that?"
"I never did that," she said.
"Well then why is your signature on the paperwork? On all three reports you signed, your husband signed, we signed."
"They must have forced me," my mother said.
That was no surprise. The next question I had to have an answer to.
So my sister asked, "Why did you cover up your husband's abusive of us?"
She said, "I saw him hit you hard once and I heard you cry and I put a stop to it right away phoned social services and I made this all happen."
blah blah blah blah.
The stench of the deception was making me gag. So my sister said,
"Well that's enough for now. I'll think on it and talk to you in a couple more days about this."
My mother said, "I refuse to listen to anything more about it. That was 40 years ago, you girls need to get over it. I won't listen anymore."
My sister said,"well that's too bad, because I'm probably going to ask you more"
My mother said, "well then, I'll just hang up on you."
My sister responds, "okay, that's fine."
They said goodbye. The odd thing was about half an hour later mother phoned back while I was still there.
Back on speaker phone she said, "okay I was a shitty mother."
My sister responds and said,  "Well good for you Mom. A fine first step. I'll leave you with that for a couple days then we'll talk later okay? okay bye-bye now." 
In this case it's more interesting what they didn't give us as opposed to what they did.  now, having done our homework, time to approach the law. A contingency lawyer to bring a case against social services that will hopefully effect change for other children.
even if that never happens, the books will be published. even if it must be by my own hand, it will be done so the world will know.  those who read will know how so many of us, even today, how many of our children fall through the cracks. these are the children who inherit our world.What do you think will happen then.
It's a crap shoot....

Author Notes This synopsis is part of a book called Spectre. Book two in a three-part trilogy. Book one called ghost can be found alongside this in my portfolio if you wish to read. Please note some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 36
The Peace

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

The running of time is a waterfall of memory
The speed of joy is the crawl of pain
When one is serene, next year becomes tomorrow
When one hurts, today becomes centuries
Vision is clear when one looks back
Cloudy when one looks ahead
Today is the movie we watch
The pitch and yaw of our swimming hearts
A dream of normal fills days of peace
To quietly learn and banish the tornado
A hint and taste of the possible
Given daily with the families repast
I'm still shaking with the emotions of learning truths I'd sometimes, much rather not. The combination of what paperwork I did receive and my mother's voice over the phone had me crying with fury and sadness.
My heart broke from the old wounds again.
As much as I know, and it's a lot, I still had a tiny spark inside me that hoped that maybe, there would be some hint of remorse. But there was nothing. Just the usual cruelty and denial.
I will say even in the middle of of my sorrow, the anger and the pain, I still knew that I would work to rise above it. I just had to take those moments to mourn a life I never had.
For my readers who know all that I've written so far. What comes and what I know, is that the ball continues to roll through life and it is the ball we're talking about. All the flotsam and mayhem attached to it and collecting more as it rolls downhill.
Naturally, people expected me to behave in a way that was socially acceptable and they naturally assumed that I knew what that was. Which I didn't. I knew some things, basic things, but I had no clue how to relate to people except on the negative side. If I should react strongly or not at all. I just didn't know and I made so many mistakes and wasted so much time. So far behind was I with regards to relating to the real world.
But people didn't know that, punishment came and left me a little bewildered as to the why of it. It's only now that I see. 
But I have a job to do. I have a promise that I've made to my younger self, that I would tell her story up to today. This is the crux of it for me. This is my avenue to freedom. But she's still in the stage of not knowing and we must help her along. 
Rime to go on again. Time to go back there to a place in when there was peace.
Climb aboard with me once again as we move on and explore her year of freedom...
We'll look again, beyond the veil....

This would be the first time I was to see P's space. It was up in the attic. He had enough room to make a living room and bedroom. Which was really cool looking for this 1930s era home.

P set the VCR and put in the newly released movie 'Blade Runner'. A Harrison Ford blockbuster.  P lit a pipe and passed it to me. I felt completely relaxed, my tummy was full of food. Feelings of safety and acceptance filled me.

I decided not stop to analyze the motives of why this family decided to help me, but simply enjoyed the feeling as it was.

It was a spectacular movie! Both P and myself were on the edge of our seats shouting at the TV saying things like,

"look out!" and "he's behind you!"

We joked and laughed with one another like friends do. I can't remember another time when my sides hurts so much from laughing. P proved to be a most entertaining and comedic friend.

They had a cute little white dog. a small terrier with curly hair, very friendly little thing.  P kept calling him itchy.

"Watch this," he said to me cupping his hands around his mouth.

"ITCHY!!" He yelled.

Then I heard Mrs. B yell back,"HIS NAME'S NOT ITCHY! IT'S BRANDY!!"

"P started howling! Laughing his face off.

"Works everytime," P chuckled.

I was to learn quickly how much he would tease his mother. Shaking my head laughing and also shocked that he could joke with his family in that way, Brandy the dog appeared at my feet.

Over the next few weeks, P introduced me to his circle of friends.  All of them were a good batch of young adults. They got into no more mischief than any other young adult did.  They smoked weed, but that was the limit of their violence.

I got to experience the drive-in by using the family van. We would climb on top of the roof, which was quite high to begin with, spread out a blanket and watched the movie.

I met my best friend through an evening like that. She showed me how to stand up for myself in a different way.

I would call her 'the ball buster girl' as she took no crap from anyone.

We would hang out in this one specific coffee shop. Once in awhile we might order fries and throw them back and forth at each other. The coffee shop employees weren't always pleased to see us. 

I learned what it was to genuinely smile, what it was the feel safe, what it was to know friendship, what it was to know the love of a real family. I gained a wonderful glimpse into what it could be had I grown up in a normal home.  These were wondrous things to me, miracles that this family kept pulling out every day.

I never really got over the shock of realizing there was more. If I wasn't confused about my family already, I became more so knowing the difference.

With my new friends,we went camping at the base of a large volcano  I showed them what I knew about being outdoors and they asked me many questions. Where did I learn the different things I could do? I just said, it was Army cadets and said nothing more. most of all I learned that life could be different, but I didn't always have to be on guard, that I could take things as they come and learn slowly over time how to react to different situations. How to behave less like a trapped animal and more like a young adult.

It was during this year that I met the father of my oldest child...

And once again, the wheel turns....

Remembering those times brings a smile to my face every time I do. It gave me the gift of the difference. It showed me what things could be and showed me that my family are the ones. That was the problem, not everyone else's.  I am so close to leaving this place the lower mainland, the smog, the cruelty, the usury of people, the deceptions and the heartbreak of it all. I shall leave it all behind, on the shelf. I hope, these books help. I hope it provides some guidance for those who need it. 
Until our next Journey....

Author Notes This chapter is part of an autobio called Spectre. Book 2 in a trilogy. Book 1 is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio if you'd like to read. Please note, some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 37
The Child Departs

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Peel the shreds of childish things
Embrace the wise the adult brings
inside my mind the silence rings
comes the peace on whispered wings
destroy the black, its darkling deed
strip the power watch it bleed
take away it's negative need
comes with the key my soul is freed
gently drifting  safety's arms
no longer victim evil charms
positive light darkness Harms
no more to jump they're false alarms
I'm in a reflective sort of mood at the moment. Having absorbed all that I've learned the last couple days and all that I already knew right there in front of me, confirmed in black and white. The tears rolled. My first thoughts were how much I would like to stick it in her face.
But I know me, and I know the process of grief that I go through. First is hurt, deep hurt, immediately followed by anger, anger comes spewing out in the pages I write. 
Centering myself again, I look at it today with a sober eye and a plan to move forward.
After meeting with the lawyer, from which sage advice was given, our case was picked up today before lunch even arrived. It is both civil and criminal says the lawyer. It's time now for the forgotten girls to be seen in the light, even if only for a while. 
Some part of me still wishes it was all a dream and that I would wake up. The other part hoped for a better world when I'm done. It's hard to describe the mountains of feelings going on today. There's sadness, heartbreak and anger, I have also hope and the promise of a new home.
A soupy mixture really. My heart and mind ride the roller coaster up and down all day long.  But this too shall pass, just as the writing will when it is all said and done. 
Today, I had lunch with my biological father. Oh yes, we finally met in my thirties, but this will be told in a future chapter.
He seems somewhat pensive and reflective when I told him more about the book and the process that I'm at. He's feeling some measure of guilt for his absence.
He gently pulls his glasses away from his face and rubs the bridge of his nose. "I was nineteen when your mother got pregnant, she was eighteen. My parents and her parents forced us to marry, which was fine with your mother, she wanted to get away from her mother.
Our home was in the state of complete disarray, you children would be in the same diaper you were in when I left for work until I came home." He left me with that knowledge and I'll think on it for a while, but for now, once again, we're going to go back in time for another look.
We're not done with the story yet. It doesn't end here. The roots of it have been told, now it's the time to learn the fallout.  See you there.

I woke with a sense of warmth and safety.

A feeling so foreign within me, I struggled to hold it. Almost like a big piece of jello in my hand.

As I stretched, my thoughts turned to the recent weeks. I'd met so many new friends. My very first, and all time best friend too! We were inseparable and joined at the hip. We drove around quite often in her '69 cougar visiting friends, being young adults, being free out in the spring days and nights.

We attended some concerts, 'Beatle Mania', 'Jefferson Starship' and 'Rod Stewart' together. A pig roast, dance club, daytime hikes and swimming. All the things I wanted to do and couldn't before.

I was euphoric! 

In those months, I found out I had the most offensive sense of humor. I knew no boundaries and discovered I had a following of people who wished to hear my jokes.

There's one such a night we were at the club enjoying ourselves and having fun when I spotted two young men sitting across from us looking over our group. One round and plump with a shiny round head and one tall with a slender build. He was blonde and blue eyed.  An attractive sort of beachcomber kind of look.

As strong as my friendship was for my friend, It was equally as strong as the feelings I had for him.

Over time he taught me that sex did not have to be painful. That it could be a good thing between two people who cared. This man taught me many things over time. I was over the top happy with my new friends, happy with my new family, happy with the young man in my life.

I wished I could stay that way forever.

All of those thoughts and more drifted through my mind as I laid there on the bed stretching and yawning unwilling to move quite yet from the comfort and warmth of the bed.

Then I heard Mrs. B,

"are you waking up in there dear? Breakfast is getting cold."

Responding I said, "yes Mrs. B thank you, I'm coming!"

I bounce myself out of bed, quickly put on some clothes, and made a beeline for the breakfast table.

She made those wonderful crepes again that I just couldn't get enough of. 

"Well you two, what are you up to today?" Mrs. B asked.

"I'm going to work on my truck, need the flat deck for the drive in." P replied.

"Good lord," Mrs. B said. "What on earth do you need that for?"

"So a bunch of us can sit on it. Get more people in." P answered.

"Goodness, young people. And you young lady what are you doing?"

"I have a date with C today. We're headed to the beach and then meeting P at the drive-in later."

"Oh, so you two won't be home for supper then." She said, more of a statement than a question. "That's okay, that's good, we'll have a fend-for-yourself-night." Mrs. B said.

"Well, you kids run along, behave yourselves and have a good day."
"Catch you later." Out the door P went with his usual half grin.
"I'm off to the shower. Thanks for breakfast Mrs. B!"
"Your welcome dear." She said.
Standing in the shower still marveling at my luck and feeling extremely spoiled at all the things that I'm able to do here that I couldn't do at home. Even in the home itself, being able to have a bath that I didn't have to share. Being allowed to eat. Being seen as a person. Not being hit. I was truly lucky.
As the warm water ran over me, I began to think of adult things things that needed attending.  The time to really grow up is now.
Time to get into life. Be trained for some kind of work or just go to work at what I was doing before.
It was soon time to pick up my bootstraps and be more of a help, contribute more.
Later in the day, sitting on the beach with C, enjoying the sun when C said to me,
"I'm leaving the province. My work transferred me. I'm out in a week."
The color drained from my face....
Inevitably, life changes no matter how much we wish things could remain the same. We might go along just like that sometimes for years but change comes inevitably and will not be held back forever.
So it was for me, so it is to this day, so it is for everyone.

Author Notes This story is part of an autobio called Spectre. Book 2 in a trilogy. Book one is called Ghost and can be found in my portfolio if you wish to read. One word of caution, some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 38

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

A drowned Fool's heart yelled quiet words that should
Leave my heart to drift on a soaked desert sea
Cast and hear myriad storms shrieking could
Make loud deaf ears bend a vigorous plea
Shredding softness blissfully streaming down
Red armoured defense swiftly did vanish
Blistered heart beating a bewildered pound
Banished the ghost of old creeping anguish
Drifting feather is the cold winds pale victim
Writing terms of his disentanglement
Blindingly indulging his thankless blind whim
Traitorous heart fracture made Imminent
Chattering cold the heat searing pain blasts
In a place where hearts have thundered their last
Crisp, cold and clear this morning. I feel my mouth wanting to snap shut from the frosty air. Blue sky looking like ice, beckons for skaters to skate upon it until the spring returns. Winter birds chatter on shivering limbs of trees fluffing their avian coats.
Today's a new day, the first day of the great turning, I like to call it. The big shift in my life that was a long time coming. Knock the clay off that I've been dragging around for so many years.
As I did in the past, I'll do now and make the big shift to the place where my heart is. Beautiful mountains, quietude, peace and the nature of this land. I pack to leave tomorrow morning in the wee hours.
I'll take the drive in the darkness before dawn. Drive most of my day to take a look at my new home.
A new start in a new place I've always wanted to be. I can continue to write in peace and leave those that would cause harm out of it. I'll return back here again in a couple more days and spend the next two weeks packing.  Then I'm off! I don't know what the future holds, I'm not allowed to see that for myself.  Sometimes I can see for others, but I know where my heart is and so I follow it. 
The girl in the past is getting ready too...for what? 
Let's see.

My heart was hammering hard in my chest, he was leaving when I thought we had something special. Now, if what he told me is true, than how can I blame him.

"You have to go next week?" I asked.

"Yes, by Friday. Start work Monday." C replied.

"Oh...I see." I said, looking down at my hands.

C smiled and took my hands in his, "I want you to come with me."

"Really?" I asked, instantly brightening.

"Yes really. Of course! I could never leave my woman behind!" He winked at me. 

I smiled and he began telling me what to expect and when we will leave. 

"We'll put our stuff on a train car and pick it up when we find a place, which will have to be quick." He explained. "We'll leave early Saturday morning, hook up with our people Friday to say goodbye. Whadya think?"  C asked. "Will you come? You know I love ya"

"Uhmm...ok...yes!" Then I fell into his arms. My heart was about to burst. My world had changed so much in the past year. I knew love! I could give it and receive it! I knew the warmth of a real family. I knew kindness and respect and a life without fear.

"I'll talk to Mrs. B tonight." I said happily. After awhile of enjoying the sun and making plans, we departed for the drive-in.

"Sun's setting," C said. "We'll just make it on time."

Arriving at the theater we quickly found P and his flatbed truck with half a dozen of our friends spread out on top of it. We parked beside them waiving to the group. We hopped out of his car and joined the flat deck crew. We let them all know that we were leaving. Some hoots and hollars, some "what the fuck?"

"Yes," C said. "It's a work thing. Come to my place Friday night, guys, for some festivities. Ya?"

They all agreed to come.

"What the hell girl!  I'm going to miss you. Better talk to Mom tonight." P said.

"I will. And it's not goodbye. It's just a see you later."

"Ya, she's right. It's not forever. We can visit each other." C said.

The movies, a double feature, came to an end. We said good night to our friends and C dropped me off with a smile.

The house was dark, everyone was asleep, it was too late for me to talk to Mrs. B so I slipped into my room, changed, and crawled under the covers. My mind was swimming with all the things that had happened that day. Dreaming of a new life, a new home, happiness with someone who loved me.  All those things seemed possible.

Morning came and the smell of bacon and eggs came wafting underneath my door. Stretching and yawning I peeked my head into the kitchen.

"Oh good morning dear. Sleep well?" Mrs. B asked.

"Yes thank you and you?" I asked.

"As well as can be expected." She answered.

P came down and we all ate companionably. When we were done I told Mrs. B what happened the previous day and that I wished to go with C.
Mrs. B was very gracious and very happy for me.  A surprising woman she was, full of love and caring. So much so, she became my other mother. I promised to stay in touch as a dutiful daughter should. She hugged me and gave me her blessing and wished me the best of luck.
My happiness was complete! Nothing more I wanted and needed in this life. Visions of family, home and hearth. A simple thing but one I hoped for.
Then the page turned.
All things stay the same and yet all things change. Everything in motion all the time and everywhere. I remember the feelings of those days and my hope for a better future. There's so much still yet, I had to learn and once again the wheel goes round and life flips the script.

Author Notes This story is from an autobio called Spectre. Book 2 in a trilogy. Book 1 is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio should you wish to read. One note of caution, some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 39

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

The suns sink bleeds color over cobalt mountains
The misting lake pleads a liquid hand
White wonder freeze casts on asphalt faces
Dark vehicle spins a crunching dance
Rocky hills carved out silhouettes against azure skies
Curved strip of the moon smiling it's lunar grin
First on the scene it's power waxing
Diamond soldiers blinked their staccato beat
The pine army bows their heads for the moon's reign
The light of day will see them stand once again.
Game highways twist and turn among the green
Nature displays her wares both day and night
We are the blend
Here, deep in the mountains of western Canada, surrounded in some of the best scenes of nature in the world, I wake in the wee hours of Sunday morning. I've awoken early because my mind's been spinning with ideas and plans to create art, to write and to decorate my new home.
I will go home and move quickly as I have five days to pack.
I take possession immediately, being ready on time is the only option. Finally after years of trying, I can leave and can do this anonymously.  I cannot be worried about what my family will do, if they don't know where I'm at.
Regardless, it's set up in such a way that they can do nothing to me. I have all my ducks in a row.  I have my writing and the mission I wish to accomplish with that. I make exquisite jewelry. I paint wildlife pictures and give readings to try and help other people. 
My dreams have become a mixture of future hopes and past realities. At the very best, it's confusing.  At the very worst, it's a nightmare. But I think it's just my subconscious trying to sort things out and showing itself in dreams.
Soon I will live by the warmest Lake that this province can offer it is the warmest tree-lined lake in the province at 22 degrees Celsius in the summer. A very nice tempurature that works out to around 70° Fahrenheit.
Smallmouth and wide mouth bass fishing, Kokanee and trout. I have my belly boat, my flippers and my fly rod.  Fly fishing is great fun I will take advantage of it this year and going forward.  Any fanstory friends are welcome to visit! 
So my past self and my present self are moving away. The first time I did it, was best decision I could make and so will the second one.
So let's check on her journey now that we've checked on mine.
All aboard!

The week went by quickly, as if destined for speed. It speeds again when you're happy, and I was feeling pretty euphoric.

Mrs. B was as gracious as always and assured me my place in her family remained.  I made promises to keep in contact and she with me. We hugged many times, cried a little, and resolved to stay close.

Friday came and it was time to meet with our friends for the evening. The early morning would see us on the road.  A dozen of us, including my sister gathered together in C's apartment chatting and laughing at the years memories as well as years past before I came along.

C had a nickname, Pookie or Pook for short, named after Garfield's teddy bear. I found that amusing since C was tall, slim build, and blond. One other friend, not too tall not too short, but he was round all over the place. His head was very round, everyone called him 'Egg' instead of his real name.

P was there too showing off a new we way to give people the finger. First, middle finger up, followed by the index finger pointing at you and then the 'ok' sign, finally a thumb sticking out like you're hitch hiking.

Translated to English it means, 'Fuck you, ok? Get out.' I laughed until I thought I was gonna pass out! 

Much sick humor was imparted that night.  Emphasis on sick. So I told a couple.

"How come chickens can't wear underwear? Cuz, their peckers are in their heads!"

They all laughed again. The night sped quickly like the nights have for the last year when feeling good.  Assuring our friends that we will contact them once we're set up, so that they know where we were and that all is well.

It was sad and exciting to see them all go, because I knew that the time was coming to leave. To go and start a new life elsewhere, and yet we would not see our friends for a while either. I caught a ride home with P saving C a trip so he could get more rest. With a light kiss good night and a promise to see each other in the morning, I left with P.

"Whazz up girl? This is what you want? You gonna be ok?" P peppered me with questions just to assure himself all was well.

Returning home, I turned and gave P a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. I thanked him for all that he has done, his friendship to me and all that we shall do as friends in the future.

As I slipped between the covers to what would be my last night in that room, my mind is filled with questions as to what it be like where we were going. How we would do as a couple, but with never any intention or thought of failure in mind. Finally sleep took me. It seemed like seconds when there was a light knock on my door.

"Oh, good morning dear, you're friend's here."

Sometimes, when I look back at certain times of my life, I wonder if there's regrets or memories. Is there fondness? Is there love? Or is it that I'd rather not have any thought of it at all. But, I think in any relationship, good or bad, you have all of those elements. 
These days my priorities have changed.  I have bigger fish to fry as they say. There are moments, I find, in my life where I feel profound change is on the verge of blooming.
I wait for the bloom....

Author Notes This chapter is part of an autobio called Spectre. Book two in a three-part trilogy. Book one is called Ghost and can be found in my portfolio.
Both can be read if you wish. Please note, a word of caution. Some chapters are hard to digest, therefore reader discretion is advised.
***Photo by Lea Tonin***

Chapter 40
The Land of Flat

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

The Rockys grip the skies with craggy fingers
desperately clinging to height
The hills below dive in the surface of  Earth
reborn again on the other side
Glacial waters shivers blue
against the icy firmanent
Chrystal stillness of silence and space
creates comfort in the quiet zone
Boreal brightness shimmers emerald green
dancing in the sunlight
Caribou rumble and thunder
reminders of life in deep cold 
The great stony heights crumble into  prairieland
The magnificent recycle returns
The journey was lovely, growing more so as we travelled into the great mountains. I've felt so incredibly small next to them standing there in awe of their majesty.  And such power it was to raise them from the ocean bottom to the top of the sky.  Amazing beauty and power I cannot imagine.
I watched the land change as we travelled from rain forest country, to boreal forest country, to the arid lands and finally the Kootenays.  There I was in the place I will live. A big move, just as I did so many years ago traveling to the prairies with C.  The picture attached is of the house I will live in. It needs work but it is mine. It's hard to describe the beauty of the place.
Surroundings are all things natural. It is my favorite scenery and the one I try to emulate in my own home, all natural. The beautiful lake just a short distance away, is a frozen blue sheen glinting in the sun, surrounded by a skirt of evergreens. Bald eagles complained loudly up in the sky flying in ever tightening circles. The feeling that I always get when I'm there is of peace and untanglement
The pressure, the push and shove of city life and it's stinking air is no longer my home.
A small community in the middle of the mountains with a gorgeous forest and a beautiful lake will now become my home. I could not ask for more.
The great change in my life that I've had over the last 6 months and the wonderful people who have supported me, is euphoric. There's that really cool feeling of hope in there too.  Hope that I never gave myself before and now I can.
It is time again to see about the first journey so many years ago and the unknown that folded out before me.
We go back to the past again.

There couldn't have been a more beautiful day to make this journey.

My hand waived through the air as we traveled up the freeway.  We had finally exited the traffic jams of the city.

Smooth sailing through the valley, the farms zipping in and out of my vision as we traveled. A warm day necessitating the need for the windows to be down. I didn't mind though, I thought it was wonderful to feel the wind fly through my fingers when I put them out the window. It was fresh air that wasn't full of smog.  To see the fields of corn as far as the eye could see, mountains in the distance as we headed toward them, was a real treat. I was going to be up close and personal with those mountains whereas before I could only look at them in the distance. I knew about forests, but this was a whole other ball game. As we left the valley we began to rise. The flat, straight highway began to curve, bend and twist. Soon there was mountains on our left and mountains on our right.  In the rear view, I could see the valley we just left laid out behind us and the thick blanket of gray over top the distant city. I was stunned, I was flabbergasted, I was speechless at the amazing beauty of these shelves of rock being pushed from the ground to reach for the sky. And what was the  impetus for this miracle of nature?

I just sat there with my mouth hanging open as we drove through the beauty of this land. As if that was not enough, soon we beheld a large herd of big horned sheep standing in the middle of the freeway casually walking to and fro. The horns of these animals were massive, curved things as if these mammals had battering rams and required the armor. Then the line changed no longer the rainforest country I was used to. Pine trees cedar everywhere changed to Boreal pine of different species starting line not as packs together as we had previously seen and then that force became patchwork and I could see the copper land between the patches soon the land turn to dust and we were in the hottest part of the province we could have been the only piece of desert land in the country. Created the great Okanagan Valley where all of our fruits are grown to this day. Incredibly hot so hot that even the wide open windows could not cool us with the breeze. But the other thing this land had was a string of large freshwater lakes the perfect place to cool down. A asked C to take the next rest stop and so we did. The lake shimmered before me clear and cool to which I promptly walked in.  I waded out until I could not touch the bottom anymore and swam. I couldn't believe the freshness, the perfect temperature and the clarity of the water I was swimming in. Refreshed our journey continued. Soon the land changed again. We went into the Shuswap country bordered by the Kootenays. The Shuswap is the land of the weeping willow trees great stands of them surrounding a different lakes we passed mixed with conifers made for a stunning mix. The Kootenays are a gorgeous mix of all the landscape types I'd seen already.  But nothing could prepare me for the majesty and mastery of the Rocky mountains pleated with shields of ice and glacial lakes. Even in summer those glaciers endured. Standing in the warmth of the summer sun, right beside a glacier, is the wildest contradiction I had that Journey. Winter and summer existing in the same place. When we finally came through the Rockies we entered the next province into the rolling, forested hills of Kananascus country. The air seemed so much drier than it did on the coast. Much less humidity was noticeable in the air. And then at long last the hills gave way the forest backed off to a land of flat as far as the eye can see fields and fields and fields of yellow grass with cornflower blooms and Indian paintbrush flowers.  Once again on a flat straight highway.

That highway gave way to another city.  A city of another kind, a city spread out far and wide. Streets and avenues running in straight lines. No hills or mountains in the way, no corners to round, no rocks to climb. I've never seen it anything like it in my life the exact opposite of what I've known.

The Journey complete, the change begins.

Author Notes This chapter is part of an autobio called Spectre. Book two in a trilogy. Book one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio if you wish to read. A note of caution, some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 41
The New

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Chattering voices make riddles of my words
Horizon to horizon the vast blue sees no end
The Earth's yellow blanket spread distant as the sky
Winds fly free having captured my entangled speech
Eagles scan for their rodents repast
Gophers shout slamming their earthen doors
Grasshoppers spring in time with footsteps
Serpentine crystaline river twists with aquatic life
Shine and glint the city's distance smile
Obstruction to sight non extinctant
A sea of possibilities fanned out in welcome
The second stage of life rising with hope
After all, you can't fall off the floor....
There is a foot and a half of snow outside my window this morning. The white crystalline beauty coats everything in sight. My car just a distant mound in the driveway. Unusual weather for the west coast of Canada which generally rains. Naturally, the city that doesn't normally get snow, suddenly turned into a massive parking. A lot of people saying,
"Oh no, what do I do with this?"
Snow, like people can be incredibly beautiful. But staying in it too long and you could forfeit your life.
Try living in the prairies where it snows eight months out of the year. You learn fast how the cope, the alternative is not pleasant.
Eight days from now, I will finally leave the lower mainland.  I'll leave behind the crime, smog and drug addiction.
I'll cast off the negativity of this area and pull myself to shore as if grasping for land in quick sand. 
When I begin the rise into the mountains one more time, than it is done.
I'll leave this all behind, all of it, including those who have done me harm.
This will have all of it written down for the world to see regardless of who thinks what.
At the very least, it signals the end of one life, and the beginning of another.
Legally, literally, physically and paradoxically all things move forward and pivots on one piece of steel. 
The can of worms I knew I was opening now makes its own tracks.
I have only to watch....

I've never felt cold like this.  So cold, it made my face hurt. So cold that if you spit, you would hear the tinkle as it hit the ground.

In the prairies the temperatures dipped below -40, so cold you couldn't pack a snowball. It just drifted like little pieces of styrofoam in your hands.

The Prairie climate is so much different than that of the coast. Being used to mild and wet climates, the dry cold was not something I'd ever experienced.

In the few months we'd been there, we'd managed to find a home in the basement suite of a nice family.

I began working at McDonald's as a birthday hostess while C continued his job at the railroad. Life became settled and somewhat routine while still having fun being young adults, meeting new people, checking out the nightlife and making love in the hay fields.

One morning, while making myself a quick breakfast before work, I had cooked up some scrambled eggs. I love scrambled egg so I gobbled them up like I normally do.

Two minutes later, I was hanging over the toilet throwing them up. My period was also late too. But they were so irregular, I thought nothing of it. A few weeks later and several visits to the toilet, had me suspecting I was pregnant. I went to a walk-in clinic and took the test. The doctor confirmed I was indeed pregnant. I asked that doctor please write it down on a prescription pad to say exactly that. I was used to a lifetime of not being believed, so I had the doctor write the diagnosis down. It said,

'The above named is pregnant. Pregnancy test done today is positive.'

I walked slowly home from the clinic wondering how C was going to take this.

I was sitting at the kitchen table when he walked in from work and asked me how I was doing. I looked up from my clenched hands and said nothing, I just passed him the note. C read the note and paled slightly. Looking over at me he said,

"What do you want to do? I mean we're too young for kids."

My heart sunk I replied, "I won't have an abortion, I know that. I may consider adoption, I may not." Tears slipped down my cheeks as I looked at my hands. And then another disappointment hit me when C said,

"Okay, let's not tell my parents. We'll keep this to ourselves, give the baby up for adoption and say nothing to them."

I reluctantly agreed.

A few months went by my belly began to swell and soon the fluttering movements inside me began to show itself. C came home from work one day with one such experience going on.

"Come here!" I said, "Feel this!"

The feeling of movement within me that was not caused by myself, was very strange and exhilarating indeed. I placed his hand upon my belly. The baby responded with a direct kick into his palm.

"Oh wow!" He said. "Too bad you have to give it up."

My heart broke once again. I knew in that moment I was not going to give up my child regardless and no matter what he said.

The next morning while C was at work, I made a phone call to his parents.

"I'm almost six months pregnant, C doesn't want me to tell you. He wants me to give up the baby for adoption. I'm sorry," I sobbed.

Later in the evening when C was home the phone rang. He picked up the phone and said,


He went silent. Slowly he walked back and forth from the living room to the dining room. I knew his father was talking and C didn't dare interrupt. After a few moments he hung up the phone and looked down at me.

"We're keeping the baby." He didn't tell me what his father said and he never spoke about adoption again.  I didn't want to rock the boat, so I left it at that.

I thought to myself, "I'm keeping the baby regardless.  My decision not yours."

But I never voiced it. I tried my best to get past the hurt and carried on preparing for our baby to arrive. One night in the blackest hour, I thought I had peed my bed. I stood up and the waters began to flow...

"C, wake's time."

The time flies while I pack and get ready for my journey away the permanent Journey of not having to come here again. It is a palpable release not having to deal with the mess they gave me.  I leave that behind and bring only myself.  I feel excited anxious some trepidation and Hope a strange mixture that causes my tummy to twist and takes away my appetite but that's okay it will return with the vengeance I know!
The journey of life is constant and goes until the last page turns. Changes happen regardless of age, class, custom or ethnicity. 
If you don't like your life wait 5 minutes....

Author Notes This story is part of an autobio called Spectre. Book two in a trilogy. Book one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio if you'd like to read. One note of caution, some chapters are hard to digest.
Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 42

By Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Internal turns out when shown against self
Deception no longer held upon shelf
Glittering mirror shows truth inside
Face what you see with courage don't hide
Reflections of good shining in kind
Imperfections embrace corrections with time
Give of our hearts not expecting it filled
Share of our time not wait for the thrills
Reflections and mirrors sisters in tow
Show us our truths and in them we know
No place we can go without mirrors to show
Who exactly we are truth will not go.
Truth can sometimes batter us with hard lessons. Truth can also set us free or keep us in place.
Truth has no sides to right or wrong, it simply is.
Some people will take that truth by the horns and master it, learn from it, creating motivation for change.
Others will ignore truth completely and pretend it does not exist resulting in a closed mind incapable of learning.
So many truths, both good and bad, have come across my plate in a rapid fire succession. A lot of which I already knew and knew it was coming, some of which I did not from the depths of deception and lies go deeper and deeper and I wonder at the craziness of it all. One lie in my family three generations ago, have caused all this.  How it snowballs into large clumps of pain. Taking several lives with it, some recovering some not.
People lie for two reasons. One, to protect themselves and two, to protect someone else.  For the most part it's the former.
It's the small hours of the morning and I'm in my room looking at a jungle of boxes that I've packed ready to go in the next six days. I'm turning the page on my life, a major page with greater understanding and clarity to determine what is my part and what is theirs.
I don't have to carry their weight anymore.
Much of what I knew has come out and much of what I didn't know has come out as well. It also confirmed many things I suspected as well so, the picture solidifies into the grand scam. I can leave that now, I can leave it with authorities. I can wash my hands and walk away.  I shall write until all of it is out.
We are halfway through our journey.  It's time now, to take her further on down the road to what comes.
Let's look and see shall we?

Our son was born at the end of summer at 9 lb 4 oz. A very healthy baby boy born just 2 inches shy of 2 feet long. C's mother and sister came to help and showed me some things about babies that the hospital didn't. 

I was completely infatuated with my baby boy. Counting his little fingers and toes, his small wifts of hair, the smell of his newborn skin, all endeared me to him. He was the sweetest baby with beautiful dimples.

We were happy little family for a time. We did many things together the three of us and C taught me many things I didn't know. But, he never really understood why I didn't know. Perhaps that was me, keeping my secrets.

We slipped into these roles C and I. He slipped into a father role while I slipped into that of a daughter. I learned things from him that I should have learned long ago. He also taught me to drive a stick shift.

But like any parent-child relationship, the child eventually grows up and flies the nest. I began to resent the constant corrections, the disapproval and the looking down his nose at me whenever he thought I made a mistake. And when one falls into the roles that we did, our relationship changed.

I no longer wished to share my body with him. It felt more like sleeping with my father instead of my mate, who wants to do that.

He too changed and grew distant from me. Then I learned he had a new relationship with his boss's sister.

After that, my son and I were on our own.

By that time, I had cleaned up my education, took some clerical courses and began to work for the railroad doing payroll.  Five years we spent to together and managed an amicable split.

There was a little fear and a little excitement too. I was on my own, I was doing it by myself and I felt that I had enough knowledge to do this successfully.

I still had so much to learn about human nature, emotions, understanding my own and others. I blundered, said the wrong things, made the wrong decisions, but I learned...the hard way.

My son and I did ok on our own. I worked a swing shift at the railroad.  Forty hours in three and half days. In between one of these shifts, when I only had eight hours off, I would sometimes play pool and have lunch until my next shift began.

It was in this environment that I met the father of my second son, over a game of pool. He was tall, muscular, dark curly hair and green eyes. Resembling a man who lives in the woods. Strong man, nine years older than me. Over the next few months, we began to get to know each other, the three of us.

I watched the interactions between him and my son with pleasure, they seemed to get along fine. My son was interested in him and he was interested in my son.  We did many things together as a trio while him and I grew closer as adults.

Then one morning, after breakfast...

I threw up.

In two more days, it is time to move.  Forgive my not being able to write as much as I would like but, I must pack up and move. As any move is work, in this case it will be hundreds of klm's away. A mixture of fear and excitement fills me.
Fear because I'm not twenty five anymore and because I'm going to a place where no one knows me. Excitement because I'm going to a place where no one knows me. so there sits my wellspring of emotions. In and out I will be writing over the next little while, until all things are settled. Thank you my friends for reading and hanging in there with me. I am grateful always.
All things in life change inevitably, as it is in my story, so it is today....

Author Notes This chapter is part of an ongoing autobio called Spectre, book 2 in a trilogy. Book one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio should you wish to read. Please note, a word of caution, some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 43

By Lea Tonin1














Wing tips scale the skies belly


seeking that lofty goal


The climb is forgetfulness


alone when the rise ends

One little piece of bread sitting on top of my head, brings a whiskey Jack which sat there contentedly and ate the bread crumbs out of my hair. The sunshine is bright and clear and the stars are in the millions at night.
A serene place. A place of older people. A small population in winter months but then comes the spring. 
The earth yawns, shakes the snow off its shoulders sending out it's green fingers to test the air. 
In the summertime, this place is alive with tourists. People come from everywhere to swim and fish in the warmest tree lined lake in British Columbia. It is 22° C all summer long and is a great big clear, clean lake.  This is due to thermal vents that come up from underneath the lake keeping it warm.
The fishing is amazing with wide and small mouth Bass, Trout and Kokanee, great for the belly boat fisherman like me and the spin caster fisherman too.
Time moves faster the older I get and this last couple months have been no exception.  Much work to be done and has been done on my home but, it is a fulfilling work. One that provides visual results at the end.
My book keeps calling me, a stronger call each and every day pulls and divides me.  So return to the book I must, need and are returning to the people who have welcomed me with open arms as well. I thank you for waiting and reading and always returning to the things that I've written down. 
The incredible beauty of this natural surrounding never fails to give me a smile each morning.
When I look out upon the mountains and the forests around me the impetus and motivation to do more comes across even stronger in a place filled all nature's delights. 
Words pile up in my mind and line up like little soldiers waiting for their place on the page.  My younger self is frantically waving me on urging the spill of the proverbial pen.
It's good to be back it's good to be seen and it's good to see all of you. 

"Oh man," I thought. "I know these symptoms. I've felt them before."

But trepidation filled me, as the time was early for him and I. We had not known each other that long yet. 

Upon visiting the doctor, I looked at her after the exam and said,

"Can you please write that down for me?"

A short while later I was sitting by a pool table sipping on a beverage and waiting for B.

B strode in and the feeling of security and protection came over me as it did whenever I saw him.

Because he was a large man muscular and strong, I felt he was my bulletproof shield.

He sat beside me and gave me a kiss, green eyes sparkling.

"Hello," he said, with a small smile.

With frightened moon eyes, I passed him the note the doctor wrote for me.

The note said, "The above named is pregnant.  Pregnancy test done today is positive."

A slow smile began to take over his face. He looked at me and began to laugh.

"Haha, I knew God would get me yet."

Relief flowed through me as does the blood in my veins. I exhailed a breath not realizing I was holding it.

For the next two days consisted of discussions on how we were going to handle it going forward. 

He watched me carefully the entire time I was pregnant sensative to my needs ensuring that I had enough to eat and was comfortable. Two months later be proposed which I accepted.

We were sharing a home by then and prepared for our child to arrive. 

Our son was born seven months later at 9 pounds 1 oz.  Like his older brother, he was just shy of two feet long.

A four year old son, a new baby and a job, kept me very busy.

B too kept his time filled with his line of work. All was well for a time. We were happy as a small family. We were new and getting to know each other which, at times, was a fun process.

I began to plan our wedding with certain tasks for B to do and several for myself. 

An outdoor wedding on a lovely island was planned and came off successfully to which we were both happy.

We were probably one of the only couples around that brought their children with them on their honeymoon.

We were bound and destined for his home to meet his family in eastern Canada. The family was certainly cordial enough and pleasant, greeting us one by one.

B's mother was a bit rough around the edges.  Plus she had the hairiest legs I'd ever seen!

But, we each have our ways being in the world.

Meeting his oldest sister and her husband, we agreed to play cards with them that evening and left the children with the grandparents.

A quaint, rancher style home stood before us as we arrived.  Greeted by my new brother and sister in law, we were ushered inside.  We all sat around a table chatting for a bit, preparing to play cards.  It was a fun, easy time.

I was joking around with B when I wet my finger and popped it in his ear giving him a wet willy!

A searing, white flash of pain sent me flying back over my chair and across the kitchen linoleum.


Shock, pain and anger gripped with sharp and familiar claws just as my eyes closed against my rage filled will....

A nightmare or what some would call 'a hard memory' that's been greeting me lately in my dreams.  Remembering something my sister remembered that I had forgotten instead of the other way around.  
She seven and I was nine. We were under the kitchen table eating dog food.
Often, when we were not allowed to eat, we would seek out the dog bowl.
Even now my heart breaks for the girls we were.  Still I seek to help them.
So it is and shall be....

Author Notes This chapter is from a book called Spectre. It is book two of a trilogy. The first book is called Ghost. Feel free to read either/or at your leisure in my portfolio.
Please note, these books contain graphic descriptions of certain events. Reader discretion is advised.

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