By Bill Schott
Detective Dan D'weir steps out of the elevator on the second story of the police station and walks past repairmen in the hallway. It seems that the squad room's windowed walls had just been replaced. He remembers there used to be stenciled words on the glass; they hadn't yet been applied.
Through the glass he sees his new boss, Inspector Bull Schlitz, sitting at a desk. The rugged senior detective wears slacks, shirt, and tie which all look as if they are his only, well-worn outfit. His five o'clock shadow at ten a.m. completes a picture of a bachelor with little concern with his wardrobe. D'weir waves to get the man's attention. The inspector looks at him, blinks, then makes a slight head gesture to call the new detective in.
"Hi, Inspector Schlitz. I'm Detective D'weir. I've been assigned to your office."
"Sure. Fine."
"I understand that your former detective disappeared."
Bull looks at the younger man. Without expression he says," "If you understand, tell ME."
The detective decides not to pursue the topic and, instead, offers the inspector a sealed, vinyl, file folder.
"There's been a murder at the city zoo."
Bull accepts the folder and opens it.
"Have you gone through this preliminary report yourself?"
"Yes, sir. The crime scene is secure and uniformed officers are ready to brief us."
Inspector Schlitz stands, while opening a drawer and retrieving his revolver. Walking to the exit, he looks back at the detective.
"Let's go -- Dweirdo."
By Bill Schott
Arriving at the zoo, Inspector Schlitz and Detective D'weir proceed to the cordoned off area near the center of the park.
A uniformed police officer greets Bull.
"Good to see you, Bull. I hear they got your office cleaned up. This Piglet?"
"No," answers Bull.
Knowing not to expect more, the officer motions the investigators further into the secured area to a body covered by a police blanket.
"This body been totally swept by the lab guys?" asks Bull.
"You bet, Inspector."
The officer removes the blanket revealing a naked man. The body is of an adult male with several rips, gashes, and pieces missing.
"That's pretty unappetizing," says D'weir.
Bull looks at D'weir without comment, then turns to the officer.
"We know what animal done this?"
Detective D'weir steps in front of Bull.
"It's probably the tiger, Inspector."
"Why's that?" asks Bull, looking in seemingly every direction but the young detective's.
"Red paw prints lead off from here to the tiger enclosure. That tiger over there on that simulated grassy knoll has blood stains all over it and is sleeping. That typically indicates it has fed."
"Okay, Weirdo. Now explain why Tony the Tiger's dinner date is here, in the buff, and our suspect is back over there. You think he just comes and goes as he pleases?"
Bull turns to the officer again.
"I need the director, the vet, the maintenance guy, and anyone else who can explain how this happens."
Turning back to his new assistant, he says, "Weirdo, why do you suppose we're here instead of the ASPCA?"
Detective D'weir smiles, as though this was a quiz question.
"Well, first, the ASPCA would only be here if the opposite had happened and the tiger were dead and this guy was sleeping over there on the hill."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, sir. Unless the tiger strangled this fellow before tearing him up, he looks to have been garroted."
Bull looks back to the officer, then to the detective.
"Thanks, officer. We'll take it from here. Okay Weirdo, you go find all them folks we need and we'll meet in their biggest office."
The detective nods and heads in the direction of the park offices.
| Author Notes | Image from Google newphotoeveryday.com |
By Bill Schott
Previously, Inspector Bull Schlitz met his new detective, Dan D'weir, whom he soon nicknamed Weirdo. They have since arrived at the scene of an apparent homicide at the city zoo.
Within the hour, Detective D'weir had contacted and assembled five personnel from the zoological park in a central meeting room next to the penguin habitat. The people were seated, except the two policemen, behind a rattan table and in faux fur covered chairs. He began making introductions to Bull from the left..
"Inspector Schlitz, this is Mellow Bailey, the park director; Nat Taurus, the habitat manager; Honor Bonner, the senior veterinarian; Mame Dennis, the media rep; and Jerry Mathers --"
"As the Beaver, ha ha ha," said Mathers, chuckling.
Bull stared at Mathers until the man finished laughing and sat quietly.
"Who found the deceased?" asked Bull.
Second from the left, Nat Taurus, raised his arm. Already an unusually tall man, his hand nearly touched the prop ceiling fan above him.
Bull waited for the man to speak. When he didn't, he looked at his detective.
"Mr. Taurus, could you tell us when and where you found the victim?" asked D'weir.
"Nat doesn't speak, Mr. Weird," said Mellow Bailey."
"Detective We - uh - D'weir, Ma'am."
"Yes, well, he doesn't speak."
"That's odd, Miss Bailey," said Bull, "this preliminary report says he talked to the responding officer."
"Your report is in error, Inspector."
Bull opened the report and began reading aloud.
"After securing the crime scene, Officer Fink questioned the person who had discovered the body, Nat Taurus."
Looking back to Mellow Bailey, Bull tilted his head while moving his eyes from her to the folder and back.
"There's a lot of words written here. I guess Officer Fink must have been role playing with high-pockets here and -"
"Waj ju caw me?" spouted Taurus, as he rose from his chair like a missile preparing to launch.
Bull ignored the man and looked again to Mellow Bailey.
"I would say this is becoming a bizarre investigation, Ms. Bailley, but, the truth is, it started that way."
"I can shed some light on this for you, Inspector," said Honor Bonner, standing to a height of five feet.
Inspector Schlitz closed his folder and motioned D'weir to his side. He spoke softly then exited the room. The detective turned back to the five zoo staff.
"We will be continuing this interview downtown. Officers will escort you."
| Author Notes | Image from Google |
By Bill Schott
There has been an apparent murder at the city zoo. Inspector Bull Schlitz and Detective Dan D'weir have taken five zoo personnel to the police station for formal questioning.
Characters:
Bull Schlitz = police inspector
Dan D'weir = homicide detective
Mellow Bailey = park director
Nat Taurus = habitat manager
Honor Bonner = veterinarian
Mame Dennis = media representative
Jerry Mathers = AZA Midwest Area coordinator
----------------------------
Once all the zoo personnel were at the police station, Bull gave Detective D'weir instructions.
"Let's get these people set up in five separate rooms."
"I'm not sure there are enough areas that are prepared for formal interrogations, Inspector."
"Get sure. We need one officer in each space. If we can't record them, bring a pen and pad and ask specific questions. Has the lab I.D. ed the victim yet?"
"The report's in my inbox."
Bull looked around as if searching for something on a desk or the ceiling before fixing eyes with his detective.
"So, what's it say?"
D'weir held Bull's stare, ensuring he was serious.
"I haven't read it yet."
Bull looked past D'weir as though something just to the right and behind the junior detective had caught his interest.
"I want Mellow Yellow in my office. I'll get her story. The rest can go in whatever covey hole you can find, except Lurch. He needs to be in the interrogation room proper. You and another officer will ask him the key questions as soon as he's recordable."
"Key questions?"
Once again, Bull looked seemingly everywhere except D'weir's face.
"What's your name? What's your relationship to the victim? How did you find out about the murder? Why'd you kill him?"
"Maybe I should lead with that last question," said D'weir, grinning.
Bull turned without comment and headed to his office, talking over his shoulder.
"Fifteen minutes. Marshmallow in my office; Kong in interrogation; the Hee Haw gang -- wherever."
| Author Notes | Image fromGoogle. shutterstock |
By Bill Schott
Characters:
Bull Schlitz = police inspector
Dan D'weir = homicide detective
Mellow Bailey = park director
Nat Taurus = habitat manager
Honor Bonner = veterinarian
Mame Dennis = media representative
Jerry Mathers = AZA Midwest Area coordinator
-------------------------------------------
Inspector Bull Schlitz and Detective Dan D'weir begin formal questioning of two zoo personnel.
--------------------------------------------
Bull walked through the squadroom past the half-dozen detectives who were handling various cases of assaults and missing persons. They were either shouting at suspects or yelling into phones. Unaffected, he grabbed the folder that stood in his wallside message bin, as he passed through the open door and entered his office.
At his desk sat Mellow Bailey; her eyes, like lasers, burned through his folder, his face, and, surely, his wardrobe.
"What's your name?" he asked, never looking at her during his fluid descent into his chair, while opening the folder and reading.
"You already know my name, Detective Schultz."
"For the record. And -- it's Schlitz. Inspector Schlitz."
"Mellow D. Bailey."
"What's your relationship to the victim?"
"I have no idea who the victim is."
Lifting his head up from the folder, Bull looked the woman in her eyes.
"His name was Cyril Loyne; ring any bells?"
"Am I under arrest?" asked the now squirming Mellow Bailey.
Ignoring her query, Bull continued.
"How did you find out about the murder?"
"I was informed by the big cat habitat manager," she replied. "Do I need a lawyer?"
"Depends. Why'd you kill him?"
Mellow Bailey, visibly shaken, stood and started for the door. Bull remained seated, still facing the empty chair.
"Taurus gave you up."
The woman walked slowly back to the seat in which she had just been sitting.
Meanwhile, in the interrogation room. Detective D'weir sat across from Nat Taurus.
"What's your name?" asked the detective.
"I con tock."
"You mean you can't speak well?
"No, I con tock."
D'weir smiled and looked to the uniformed officer in the corner of the room behind Taurus. The officer crossed his eyes, dropped his jaw, and bobbled his head.
Returning to the interrogation, the detective asked another question.
"If you could talk, what would you say is your relationship to the victim?"
"I ain't urlated to Cyril."
"Cyril Loyne? Who is this guy?"
"l con tock."
"Why did you kill him?"
After the question, the huge man became silent and bowed his head. D'weir leaned over the table and said, "Mellow Bailey gave you up."
Like a jack-in-the-box popping from the seat, the giant shot upward. His chair flew backward and hit the officer. Both the officer and detective drew their pistols.
| Author Notes | Image from Google.com. shutterstock.com |
By Bill Schott
Characters:
Bull Schlitz = police inspector
Dan D'weir = homicide detective
Mellow Bailey = park director
Nat Taurus = habitat manager
Honor Bonner = veterinarian
Mame Dennis = media representative
Jerry Mathers = AZA Midwest Area coordinator
-----------------------------
Previously, Bull had Mellow Bailey in his office and asked her why she had killed Cyril Loyne. D'weir questioned Nat Taurus in the interrogation room. Both suspects had definite reactions.
------------------------------
Mellow Bailey resumed sitting across from Bull after being told that Nat Taurus implicated her in the murder.
"He's lying, of course," she said, now assuming a posture of righteous indignation.
"Convince me."
"He is the only one who could control that tiger."
"Yeah -- about that; the tiger is not involved at all."
The woman sat up in her chair. A silent gasp formed on her face, while her eyes moved about in her sockets, as if examining situations and scenarios in her memory.
"Sheba was covered with blood," she said, finally.
"Our expert says it's pig or cow blood; it's a red herring." Bull's eyes seemed to smile at his own cleverness.
"But the man was obviously mauled by the -- well, something."
Bull glanced at the file folder again.
"He was APPARENTLY mauled. The coroner is positive Loyne was dead before he was ripped up."
"I am innocent," she said.
"Why did you lie about Taurus being able to talk?"
"He may utter sounds, some making sense, but he doesn't understand what he's saying. That's why I know he never accused me of this killing."
"Do you think HE is involved in this?"
"I certainly don't know, but that tramp Honor Bonner and the traveling sleazeball Jerry Mathers are guilty of everything up to that. I wouldn't doubt that either or both are responsible."
Meanwhile, in the interrogation room...
Nat Taurus had leaped from his chair and presented, with his hulking six-foot-eight-inch, four-hundred pound frame, an aggressive response to being accused of murder.
"I con tock!" he shouted.
D'weir made eye contact with the officer behind the man-mountain. Then looked to Taurus.
"Okay, Big Guy, here's what's happening next. A. You will sit back down, after Officer Quick Draw returns you the chair. B. Failing that, he will shoot you with a taser, then place shackles on you, as handcuffs simply are not big enough. C. If the tasering isn't effective, I'll just shoot you until we are compliant with step B. What'll it be?"
Sighing heavily, Taurus took the chair back to the table and sat down. Then, solemnly, with his eyes on the detective's gun, he said, "A."
| Author Notes | Image from Google. |
By Bill Schott
Characters:
Bull Schlitz = police inspector
Dan D'weir = homicide detective
Mellow Bailey = park director
Nat Taurus = habitat manager
Honor Bonner =veterinarian
Mame Dennis = media representative
Jerry Mathers = AZA Midwest Area coordinator
Previously: There was a murder in the city zoo. Five people were brought in for questioning. Two have given odd information and have implicated two others.
Once Nat Taurus was back in his chair, Detective D'weir sat down across from him. His service revolver was holstered as he made eye contact with the huge man.
"Okay, let's try again. Your name's Nat Taurius - or- ah- Taurus. Huh? Nat Taurius. Hey! Anyone ever call you Notorious?"
"Nobody," said Taurus.
"Nobody living, right? Heh, heh."
The giant's mouth softened and rose on one side to suggest a smile.
"Right."
"What happened to Mr. Loyne, Nat?"
"Dead."
"I sure hope so, considering the condition he's in."
The big man's eyes brightened.
"Dead when I find him."
D'weir raised his eyebrows and spoke through a toothy grin.
"REAL-ly! Where did you find him?"
"Monkeys."
"He was in the simeon habitat?"
"Monkeys," he said again, eyebrows dipping.
"Did you move him?"
Taurus's face went blank.
"Lawyer now."
------------------------------------
Bull had Mellow Bailey taken to the far side of the squad room. She was told to remain incommunicado until informed differently. Mame Dennis was escorted into the inspector's office and sat in the open chair across from the inspector.
"What's your name?" he asked, looking at the same file he had open when speaking to Mellow Bailey.
"Gwendolyn Dennis, but my friends call me Mame. Auntie Mame, y'know?"
"You're an aunt?"
"No. I was referring to the musical."
Bull looked up from the folder with a blank expression. He held the woman's gaze for five seconds, before looking back at the folder.
"What's your relationship to the victim?"
"I haven't seen him, but I heard it was Cy Loyne."
"How do you know Cyril Loyne?"
"I know him through Jerry Mathers. Y'know -- the Beaver."
"Why did you kill him?"
"The Beav?"
"Is Mathers dead?"
"No, I heard that Cy was dead though. Isn't he? Dead?"
"What if he wasn't dead?"
Mame Dennis grew silent, staring at the inspector's desk. Her head began teetering slightly from side to side. A sliver of a smile appeared on her otherwise motionless face; it slowly blossomed into a lip-stretching toothy grin. Looking up suddenly, making eye contact with Bull, she blurted, "Then we will have to kill him again."
| Author Notes | Image from Google. |
By Bill Schott
| Author Notes | Image from Google |
By Bill Schott
Characters:
Bull Schlitz = police inspector
Dan D'weir = homicide detective
Mellow Bailey = park director
Nat Taurus = habitat manager
Honor Bonner =veterinarian
Mame Dennis = media representative
Jerry Mathers = AZA Midwest Area coordinator
Clarice Darrow = Zoo Attorney
Dr. Garret Hool = Coronor
Previously: There was a murder in the city zoo. Five people were brought in for questioning. Both Mellow Bailey, the park director and Nat Taurus, the habitat manager have given odd information and have implicated two others. Mame Dennis, Honor Bonner, and Jerry Mathers have indicated they were involved with the victim's death.
End of the last chapter:
"Why did you two kill Cyril Loyne?"
Both Bonner and Mathers gasped simultaneously before stepping away from one another and pointing at each other. In unison they announced that the other had done it.
----------------------------------------------
Detective D'weir crosses and pats his arms, making a brrr sound, as he enters the city morgue. Across the room of empty gurneys he sees Dr. Garret Hool speaking into a
microphone which hangs from an L-shaped pole rising from the corner of an examination table.
"Hey, Dr. Ghoul!"
The coronor looks around, visually perturbed, before acknowledging his friend.
"Well, if it isn't Detective Weirdo. What brings you to my la-BOR-atory."
"Is that Cyril Loyne you're eating?"
"Did you say sirloin?"
"No, because there wouldn't be a question then. That's my zoo body."
"Yes, this man was mauled postmortem by what has been definitely identified as a --"
"Tiger?"
"No. It was a -"
"Mountain lion?"
"No. It was a h-"
"Haaa - halligator! Harpy! Hungry, hungry hippo!"
"Honey badger."
"Honey badger? You mean, like a raccoon?"
"I found pieces of cellophane and bee carcases under some extensive skin graphing."
"I think we're talking about different things, Gare. I mean this corpse, not the sink trap in your greenhouse."
"The wounds are the right shape and width, and there are animal hairs."
"Sooo, what are we saying?"
The medical examiner takes a mock, thoughtful pose.
"Hmm? How about -- smuggling bees?"
To be continued...
| Author Notes | Image from Google |
By Bill Schott
Characters:
Bull Schlitz = police inspector
Dan D'weir = homicide detective
Mellow Bailey = park director
Nat Taurus = habitat manager
Honor Bonner =veterinarian
Mame Dennis = media representative
Jerry Mathers = AZA Midwest Area coordinator
Clarice Darrow = Zoo Attorney
Dr. Garret Hool = Coronor
Judge Hiram Hankins = District Court Judge
Carlos Cleaver = District Attorney
Clarice Darrow = Defense Attorney
Previously: There was a murder in the city zoo. Five people were brought in for questioning. Both Mellow Bailey, the park director and Nat Taurus, the habitat manager have given odd information and have implicated two others. Mame Dennis, Honor Bonner, and Jerry Mathers have indicated they were involved with the victim's death.
End of the last chapter:
"The wounds are the right shape and width, and there are animal hairs."
"Sooo, what are we saying?"
The medical examiner takes a mock, thoughtful pose.
"Hmm? How about -- smuggling bees?"
=================================
Inspector Bull Schlitz, Detective Dan D'weir, District Attorney Carlos Cleaver, and legal representative for the zoo, Clarice Darrow, were all seated in a semicircle facing a huge desk within the chambers of Judge Hiram Hankins.
"Thank you for seeing us today, Your Honor," said the DA.
"Your message indicated that we would be able to forego a trial and get this zoo murder cleaned up here."
"Murder is a nonstarter, Hiram" said Darrow.
The judge looked at the defense attorney with a furtive smile. "A little formality is required here, Ms. Darrow."
The lawyer's face flushed as her eyes widened. "Of course, Hi - ah - on, Your Honor."
"Right, Judge," said Bull. "We got the mutts locked up, confessions, and evidence of a conspiracy that led to the vic dyin'."
"I'm certain this will look and sound more appropriate and professional in your report."
"Yeah, I got Weirdo typin' it."
Seeing his opening, Detective D'weir prepared to lay out the theory of the crime and coverup.
"With the DA's permission, I can present the case --"
"Wait," said the judge. "Carlos, are you familiar with the case?"
"Yes, of course."
"Well, alright then. Thank you, Detective, but we'll just leave it to Cleaver."
The judge chortled, seemingly happy with his play on words. The others smiled vacantly while widening their eyes a bit in polite response.
"Very well, Your Honor," began the DA. "Jerry Mathers, the American Zoolgical Association's Midwest Area coordinator, had been smuggling exotic and illegal creatures into the U.S. for years."
"How do we know that, Mr. Cleaver?"
"The park director, habitat manager, and veterinarian have all signed affadavits to that affect, Your Honor."
"Mr. Mather's activities are not an established fact, but more heresay within this single investigation," said Darrow.
"So he snuck in horned toads and talking birds?" asked the judge.
"More like wooly rats and dangerous insects. In this case -- Melipona beecheii."
"Which is what?"
"It's a bee from Mexico, Judge," said Bull.
"A stingless Mayan bee, Your Honor. Rare and endangered," added D'weir.
"So they were Mayan -- not His'n," said the judge with a grin.
"The deceased, Cyril Loyne, had a pouch made under his belly epidermis to carry bees across the border."
"No shit!" blurted the judge.
"The bees were apparently stingless, but their aggressive biting seems to have raised the man's blood pressure until he had a stroke and died at the zoo," said the DA.
Detective D'weir stood and continued the explanation.
"So 'sirloin', I mean Cyril Loyne, he drops dead in the African veldt section and is quickly found by honey badgers which tear him the heck apart looking for these bees."
"We thought Loyne had been strangled at first, but it looks like Mellow Bailey was the first to find him and attempted to drag him away with a golf cart and a towing cable around his neck," said Bull.
"No shit!" exclaimed the judge again.
"I know, right?" said D'weir. "She dragged him to the perimeter of that section, then Andre the Giant throws him over the fence. The corpse ends up in the middle of the park where witnesses saw him before he could be totally removed."
"All of this activity is based on different suspects' statements and not by witnesses or investigation," said Darrow.
"Honor Bonner had the idea to frame the tiger with pig's blood," said the DA. "She tranked the cat and slathered it up."
"Bizarre," said the judge. "What do you propose then, Carlos?"
"My office will accept guilty pleas from everyone involved for conspiracy to impede a police investigation."
Looking to the zoo lawyer, the judge awaited her acceptance.
"Sounds like a walk in the park, Counselor"
"Six months probation with records expunged within the year," she said.
"We're offering five years, suspended sentences, probation, and loss of all licenses to work within the zoolological community," said the DA.
"Seems steep for moving a heap of dead weight fifty or so feet."
The district attorney sighed. "The offer is rescinded. Our coroner says the stroke may not have killed Cyril Loyne, but the towing certainly did. The charge will be conspiracy to commit murder against all five suspects. You can accept ten to life here, or twenty to life without possibility of parole in court with a jury."
"Ridiculous!" yelled Darrow.
The judge raised a hand to quiet everyone.
"I am issuing a directed verdict and sentence that acknowledges the district attorney's initial offer."
"Thank you, Your Honor," said the DA.
"See you on the links at seven a.m., Carlos"
"Thanks, Judge," said Bull.
"Poker Friday night, Bull. Bring my money with you."
The inspector nodded with a noncommittal smile.
"He's already spent yours, Your Honor," said D'weir. "He'll be bringing mine."
"Thank you, Hiram," said Clarice Darrow.
"Of course, dear. Say hello to your mother for me."
"She's on an Eat, Pray, Love cruise this month," said the young lawyer. "I'm housesitting for her."
Both smiled as the rest filed out of the chambers.
Later, back at the precinct, the detective and inspector sat across from each other at Bull's desk.
"Great working with you on this case, Bull."
Without acknowledgement, Bull reached into his left, bottom drawer and fetched two pints of bourbon. He placed one in front of D'weir.
"That's very kind of you, Bull, but I don't drink."
The inspector retrieved the bottle and returned it to his drawer.
"That's tragic."
The two sat quietly as Bull sipped at his bottle and D'weir looked through all the paperwork he would be processing later.
The End
Bull Schlitz = police inspector
Dan D'weir = homicide detective
Mellow Bailey = park director
Nat Taurus = habitat manager
Honor Bonner =veterinarian
Mame Dennis = media representative
Jerry Mathers = AZA Midwest Area coordinator
Clarice Darrow = Zoo Attorney
Dr. Garret Hool = Coronor
Judge Hyram Hankins = District Court Judge
Carlos Cleaver = District Attorney
| Author Notes | Image from Google. Getty |
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