FanStory.com
"The Corona saga"


Prologue
Too Live or not too

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

To retire or not to retire? Yes, you must! If you wait too long, you will not get a chance to do it. Starting with today, from China with love, we are getting a special retirement package just for us. A six-pack shimmering Corona retirement parcel dedicated and specialized in youngsters like me and my wife, over fifty and so on!

Man, you can say goodbye to all your travel dreams and retiring planning in some exotic country. The only exotic thing you will see, will be the nurse dressed like for Armageddon. No more sexy scrubs. They are all the same, poor things, nothing attractive about it.

Now, God, forbid to go to a hospital, man it's a war zone. The moment you step in, they jump on you to disinfect you, scrub you toe to head... and send you home to ripe for fourteen days. Many things can happen in those days. I think they are just delaying the inevitable. I guess next stage will be to burn you alive.

The zombie apocalypse is so freaking real! People are fighting for supplies like there is no tomorrow.

Wait maybe there is no tomorrow! Who knows? I think this is the most idiotic way to live your retirement dream. How is our plan adjusting and syncing into this new reality?

Option number one: die of hunger, because if you are getting outside, being over fifty, you might get it.

Option number two: die of Corona, because you accidentally met somebody who got it.

Option number three: Take a deep breath, calm down and live another day with hope that this will be over...soon, or at least before the first options are taking over!

Lord, stop me now! I am going in circles panicking! My wife is in the same hysteria like me. Death supposed to be easy, but if you think conscious about it, is the hardest thing that could happen to you. Our main priority: the cats! We got two, and we are afraid for them. Our contingency plan: one of us must survive, over fifty or not!


One of us needs to get that phantom pension and get to the retiring phase, because we need to take care of the cats. When we adopted them, we promised to take care of them. They are illegal, (no pets policy building) if we both die, they will too. Our relatives are living on a different continent, so our babies will suffer.


Please, Lord, forgive me. I know kids are important as well as the rest of the world, but for us, these kittens are our safe space, our sanctuary. Come into my house, and all you will hear are prayers to the All Mighty. We are praying for us, for our families and friends, but also for the entire humanity. Is this how the world supposed to end?

Hey, what about my retiring plan? Meow, meow and be merry and be married keeping the vow until ... Corona do us part! Don't panic! Our father , who are...

 

Author Notes In order to stop panicking about this deadly virus, I decided to start a journal about it. The chapter can be read by themselves.


Chapter 1
Don't panic

By Iza Deleanu

Facts: social distancing in the physical world, brought lots of social approaching in the virtual world.

Suddenly everybody is an expert on everything.

After going in panic mode with this new pandemic, I decided what not to do or do:

1. Don't panic

2. Don't drink bleach

3. Don't cry if you run out of toilet paper, you can do with water!

4. Stop reading sad news

5. Laugh

6. Pray


6. Stay at home and wait for the summer

Author Notes Drink bleach and be merry:) Actually don't, is not helping!


Chapter 2
Me...panic

By Iza Deleanu

Day 1
17 March 2020
 
Yesterday I panicked. Finally, it hit us! Canada declared state of emergency. People are advised to work from home, schools are closed, buses reduce to a week end schedule. I am royally screwed! My job doesn’t allow work from home, because of security issues.

If I can’t catch a bus, I must walk six hours a day. Three hours in the morning and three in the afternoon. Thank you, Corona, for taking care of my fitness plan… for free!

 Oh, shttt, stop complaining, husband to the rescue.

Yup, he came and picked me up from work. Driving with him my panic attack increased to the point that I can’t breathe. I felt like my lungs are running out of air. We arrived home, and I start my routine. Washing the dishes, preparing the dinner, taking care of the kitties and even playing with them. Anything just to take my mind off my fear.

It’s eight o’clock in the evening. My anxiety is still there, and I feel like  calling my priest and talking it out, but then I just think why should I drop my fear on somebody’s else’s shoulders?

Nine o’clock, I am checking with my husband. He is sound asleep, I guess the way he is dealing with this hysteria is the best. Have some “special edible ” chocolate and be merry. Don’t give me that look, in Canada they are legal.

Accidentally I open my TV on some news from France, of course Le Corona is filling the screen with disturbing information. Now I am watching some news on RAI, the national Italian television, same “music” on the Romanian channels, CBC is shooting in full blast :"it's real, folks, don't go out!" in other words Apocalypse in full blast. Sometimes understanding too many languages is not for your own good.

I decided to call off the night and start praying. Trying to calm my nerves down I opened the New Testament randomly, and surprise! It opened to the chapter where Maria Magdalena can’t find Jesus in the tomb. Instead of feeling scared I just felt finally some peace. I am reading that passage into a different light. He is going to save us, calm down, breathe, you are not alone. After reading two more random chapters which opened on the same lines: the news of salvation and forgiveness, I fall asleep.

Tomorrow it will be different. Tomorrow I will start working on my conspiracy theory. I am going to make fun of this Corona girl.
 

 

Author Notes I decided to document how this virus is affecting my sanity. So feel free to join me in this experience, I hope the reading will become funnier, then what I posted so far. Thank you for reading and let's stay safe my friends


Chapter 3
Zen

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Day 2

March 18, 2018

Today I went to work as usual, 6.30 am let myself in the office. Apparently we are operating at full capacity?

For my company is business as usual. What virus are you talking about? 4.15 pm punched out, and decided to get for a ride with my husband to get some "toilet paper" for the kitties, aka litter for their litter box.

Surprise, the first store, no litter box... What the heck, are the humans going to use this for their bare necessities? Finally, against all odds, we stop at our neighborhood Walmart. Thanks God, there are four boxes left. We are buying only one, maybe somebody else has fur friends and needs those boxes.

As we drive through the city I am seeing that there are still people on the streets. I guess we are not hit so hard for now. Only ninety-seven cases in Alberta and six hundred twenty one in the whole country. We even have provinces with zero cases such a Northwest Territories. I guess the global warming kept this province safe from the outbreak. Rumor has it, that Corona will hit Canada badly at the end of April 2020.

Everybody is an expert; some are saying that we need at least seventy percent of the population to get it, so we can produce antibodies for the next year. Now the big question is; would you like to get it, just to check it out of the To Do list?

Corona virus -- checked! Let's move on.
I am not afraid anymore. Today I am ZEN. I have my own list to check out. Here it goes, my precious survivor list. If I have to go, at least I did or witness the following:

1. Was hit by Chernobyl and survived -- ninety percent of the thyroid gone, but this is a small price that I have payed compared with other people

2. Lived in communism, survived that too

3. Watched the Berlin wall falling -- another brick on the wall

4. Witness the great Romanian revolution in 1989

5. Lived when the 9/11 happened

6. Lived when Princess Diana left this world

7. Saw the first black American president

8. Visited before the corona virus; Malta, Tunis, Italy, Greece, Bulgaria, France, Holland, Canada, Cuba, Mexico, Jamaica and Dominican

9. Still have to visit Costa Rica, India, Philippines, but no desire for China, this country is not on my bucket list

So I lived another day. Thanks God, I am calmer now. My prayers have been heard, so life as usual. S'ils vous plais!

Author Notes This chapter is describing day two, after Canada declared emergency shut down of the country to stop the spreading of COVID-19


Chapter 4
Myths about Corona virus

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Day 3

March 19, 2020

Myths about Corona virus:

1. Wash your hands, and you will be safe. Really? Is Miss Corona going to come and check first your hands and then choose the next victim? Just imagine "MMM, dirty, dirty little fellow I am coming to get you. No, not that one, he just washed his hands. I am coming for you later, bud. So, get dirty!" Poor China has exported all the soap for New Year and this why they got the Corona virus, too dirty for her taste!

2. If they disinfect you before and after you go on a store, you will be safe. You, North Americans, you don't know this is the new trend in Romania. Don't you even think to open the door to a store, doctor office, pharmacy etc., before they spray you from head to toe with disinfectant. Yup, that one is produced loco, so plenty of supplies. And I am not talking about the mighty disinfectant wipes, that are hot commodity right now, and are missing from the shelves anyway. Over there, they pour chlorine on you, on your cars when you cross the boarder, on other words on everything. And still Miss Corona doesn't care, cases are multiplying like mushrooms. My mom was wondering how safe is to eat the veggies and fruits after they are being generously sprayed with disinfectants. I told her, we will have soon a new species, arise from the chlorine, the 100% purifiers, and these are people I am talking about.


3. The Almighty Mask! My friend, who is a doctor, asked me why I don't wear a mask. I told her, because I can't find any. She gave me one 100% protection advice. If you can find any masks on the market, (duh, there are none left for the late arrivals like me), make masks from wet wipes, the ones you used for your face, and you will be safe. 
You opportunists, now you have a new recipe for making money and getting rich after the Corona virus. I better go to the store and stoke on wipes, before they disappear like the... toilet paper. I was very intrigued when she brought me some vitamins and was wearing a mask, but no gloves. I was thinking that if you want to be safe, you must wear the whole hazmat suit. Better be safe than sorry. Oh, wait, she washed her hands! Anybody selling those suits? I am intrested in acquiring four.  I am not greedy, I need a change of cloth for one I wash one of them, and of course my hubby needs two as well. Do they come in kitties size  too?



4. Reduce bus schedule and you stop the spread. False, that's a no, no! In the meantime, I am still going to work. Yupyy! They reduce the buses, which helps spreading the virus, because everybody jumps in the same bus and believe me no chance for social distancing, oh, well, all of us are on our phones, so we don't talk to each other, aka socializing. If you want to be isolated carry heavy groceries bags and put them around you and nobody will approach you. And if you sneeze, space it up brother! I might  have it or might not, wanna risk it?

5. If you are stocked, you will survive the pandemic. No, you will not! Somebody might sneeze on your window, when you are taking a fresh breath of air, and bang, you got it! At least, you can die happy on top of your toilet paper, meat, disinfectant etc.. Please, give us the address, we will take care of your body, Scout's word, and also of your stash.

6. If you get high, you are safe. No, you are not! The question will be, are you high from the virus, or from what you took? Is that feaver or overdose? Wrong medication and you are a gooner! 

In the meantime, in Canada: we made to the six hundred! In my province, we have one hundred and nineteen cases. What a wonderful time for gossipers, the rumor spreaders - we are going to die if.... Man, and I have plenty of those where I work. They talk so passionate about it and like to scare the shit out of me. But I got the antidote, I show them the Bible, and shout: behold your breathe, the Apocalypse is coming! And they run like chickens. So glory to the Lord, I am isolating myself virtually from this pandemic and joke about it; that is how we survived the worst times of communism, why not try the same method right now?

Author Notes Day 3 since I conscientiously jump into this pandemic. This is my way to cope with this virus. I will try to post everyday updates from all over the world and my own vision, hopefully funny, on the matter. Thank you for reading and wash your hands:)


Chapter 5
Sing me to sleep

By Iza Deleanu

How are the Italians coping with the isolation and the Corona virus? Una serenada per una bella donna come lei seniorita Coronita. Well, they found a very humanitarian mode to deal with it: they sing the virus to death. Yes, you heard me. Look at all the postings from Italy on Facebook, all the balconies are full of people playing  different instruments and bringing back to life the old Sanremo spirit.

What a high educational moment for the younger generation. Take for example the song of Tutto Cutugno: "Lasciatemi cantare, con una chitaro in mano." Just looking at the Italians, I feel like crying. People found a way to cope with the isolation and despair. Physical social distancing, but getting closer,virtually, by singing: that's the Italian way.

What's the Canadian way? Do we have a way? Well, I think for now, we don't have a way because we are still in the early stages. Try serenading on the balcony here when temperature is minus sixteen degrees, your hands will freeze instantly on the guitar chords.

The only thing you can do in this part of the world is Netflix and Chill. I am looking at the stats for Corona from all the provinces and it seems like an NHL hockey League. Maple Leafs aka Ontario is leading in the " play over " with 257 points, aka cases. Close behind them are the Canucks alias British Columbia with 231 points. and oh noooo, the Edmonton Oilers, my team from Alberta are a close third with 119 cases. Montreal Canadiens aka Quebec is the next qualified team with 94 points. Finally, the Jets from Manitoba have 15 points. This is one league were I don't mind to have zero points as in Yukon, Northwest Territories or Nunavut.

Folks, Corona is real; we just got our first deadly case in my province. Now my anxiety is up again. Oops, my co-worker just went home; she thinks she got some kind of flu. I don't want to be mean. I hope it is just any kind of flu, but not that kind.  I guess we will see on Monday.

In the meantime, Corona just walks around, scaring everybody off. This year, Halloween comes early. What do you wanna be this year? I wanna be that scary doctor in the Hazmat suit.

Author Notes This is another short interpretation of my hell in coping with Corona virus
Thank you for reading and please don't be offended by my stories.

Toto Cutugno is an italian singer famous for his song L'Italiano https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxsmP_ZuPFsis
Sanremo is an italian music festival held every year in February.
NHL is the National Hockey League.


Chapter 6
Faker, pretender and the rest

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

March 21, 2020
Day 5

Corona doesn't need a visa and doesn't give a damn about borders. She strolled happily in our huge village, Canada. She brought us lots of love from China and Iran, travelling first class. In one flight, she sneezed her way into our lives.

In the beginning, it was just a lovely touch. Silly us, we reasoned that it was the seasonal flu. We thought that we were safe because most of us are vegetarians and in Canada, it is illegal to eat snakes, bats and other delicacies. But tonight, the Ministry of Health from British Columbia, declared that we are not prepared for her deadly touch. We have no medication, no doctors, and nooo, "I want my mommy"!

In this province, they have already 271 cases and 8 dead. I am so sorry. I know  that other countries have lost many more, but as I was saying before, it's scarry....

.
Ok, stop it! I don't wanna hear about what we don't have! Nobody has medication, the doctors are getting sick too, and nobody is prepared for this grumpy lady. Let's give a round of applause for what we have.

We have pretenders and fakers; panickers, alarmists and hoarders, fake Samaritans and opportunists. Let's talk a little bit about the fakers aka pretenders. Yo, come out, you know who you are!


As you know, in order to stop the spreading of the virus, many governments have decided to send their workers home. The deal was to work from home. After I talked to a couple of friends that are part of this trial out, what I found out left me speechless. There are some people that took this literarlly: they go home and disapear... Others are pretending that they are working, but you can see that they are not logged on the company system for days.

Then you have the fakers who are pretending that thet are sick just to stay home for fourteen days with pay. Self islotation and social distancing, my foot!  You call them because you are concerned about their well-being, and they are missing in action! In the meantime, you have people that are very sick and will give anything to be healthy and be able to work again. My prayers are with you, my sisters and brothers.



The alarmists or the rumor spreaders are having a blast. Overnight, they become the experts in everything. First, they kill people left and right based on their own statistics and predictions.

Then, they talk about the end of the world and give some impossible advice in how to survive. We already know that Lady Corona is not interested in bleach, garlic, onions and voodoo. She hates soap and water, and actually loves that gel that we keep pouring on our hands.The gel is acting as a barrier that gives her a cushion de resistence and a new wave of spreading. According to the
alarmists, Corona came because of the global warming. Truth to be told, if that was the case, shouldn't she be aleardy... dead? Oh, wait, excessive heat is not going to kill her either!


Next are the hoarders that have transformed their house into a bunker full with everything they could buy from the grocery store. They can barely move in theit house, but they are happy to have dodged the bullet. Do you think they want to share? Nope! They decided to stay in that bunker until the end of the world. Happy Hibernation, and watch out for the fake Samaritan!

The opportunists are trying to squeeze some money out of this Corona affair by selling the hand sanitizers, toilet paper, masks and other hot commodities at astronomic prices. I hope, you  survive and be able to spend all that money that you made on our suffering and tears.

Finally, we have the good, aka Fake Samaritan who knowingly carries the virus but wants to give you a present to remember.

My sister told me about a guy who came from Germany. He went to visit his mom at work, and the entire floor got sick.  Thanks, buddy, come again.


The world is a jungle, and this deadly Lady is driving us nuts. One touch and bye-bye, Baby: eeny, meeny, miny, moe who wants to be next? Not meeeeeeeeeeee, go away: I have holy water!
 


Chapter 7
New Kid on the Block

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

The world is going crazy. Everybody is running from or directly into the Corona beer and trust me the poor beer had better times. Johnny and his friend Marvin are sharing a pint down the road discussing the status of the fear level across the world.

- What's up with the world today, my friend?

- Nothing, Marvin, just enjoy, this might be your last pint of Corona autentica, before it's banned from the market.

- Why will the beer be banned from the market?

- Well the name you know! Corona it's a bad name that brings up bad memories of death and despair. They will have to change the brand name, or worst!

- Well, are we such idiots to start banning everything that has a hint of C O R O N A in it?

- People are sheep, so don't be surprised.

- So, the Danish are going to change the name of their currency now?

- Why the Danish?

- Their currency is Krona, the Danish Krone, which sounds pretty Korona to me.

- Wait and we will see.

- Look at those Romanians idiots that are running out from Italy spreading the virus in Eastern Europe.

- Idiots, that is the right term. They have old parents and young children back home, so maybe they want to put their relatives out of their misery, so why not send them to God...earlier. Life is difficult anyway.

- Wow, that's harsh, Marvin!

- Is it? They went to find a better life, and now, when the better is gone, the fake italiano are running back to their origins. But why the heck lie about it? Why do you say to the border security officer that you are not coming from Italy, when your accent betrays you?

- You see, they have this belief that if is time to die, you better die in the country you were born in.

- Listen Johnny, the world is a village, but some people prefer to find their own spot in that village, for better or worse, home is always better.

- Now that the Romanians are gone, maybe L'itally will become better?

- L'itally? I like that name.

- Do the Italians blame the Corona on the Romanians?

- No, brother, but the Romanians are blaming the fake Italians for it.

- This bloody virus is better than Putin and Trump put together: divide and conquer! Boom, BOOM shake the room bilogical disaster in the gloom! In the meantime, in the European Union, the Europeans are blaming and not helping each other with this threat. America is not better either. They think the virus is far away in China and will not dare to touch the American Dream. In the meantime, Madame Corona laughs at their stupidity. Panic is the name, and Corona is the New Kid on the Block, oh baby!

Author Notes I am not trying to offend anybody, the Corona virus is deadly serious, but the panic is not calming the waters. As usual thank you for your patience and for reading.


Chapter 8
Snake-n-do

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.

Day 6
March 22, 2020

Have you ever wondered how the heck Corona entered into your country? For Canada was very easy, we have lots of cultural tourism, aka young Chinese coming in Canada to study. So it was not complicated to sneak in. I can imagine Lady Corona at the airport having the following conversation a few months ago.

Officer: Madame where are you coming from?

Lady Corona: I am coming from Wuhan, China.

Officer: What's the scope of your visit?

Lady Corona: I am here for a cultural exchange.

Officer: O.K Madame, have a nice stay.

Lady Corona: Excuse me, Officer; do you have snakes in Canada?

Officer: Only at the zoo. Why?

Lady Corona: In Wuhan it's a real delicacy and now it's my preferred food!

Officer: But we do have chicken and veggies! Since you are in Alberta you should try our famous Angus beef, this is our local delicacy.

Lady Corona: No, I am good. I had my last meal in December, so I should be good for six months now!

Officer: Six months? What kind of voodoo trick is that?

Lady Corona: There is no trick, really. When you eat snakes you take over their attributes, aka eat only once at six months. I should be good until June. She turned her face towards him and sneezed in his face: Hapciu!

Officer: Bless you!

Lady Corona smiling enigmatically: Bless you, too... indeed.
And this was the first... of the many!

***
Little mouse, little mouse stay in the lab don't get out of the house... In the meantime the snakes were terrified about the bad reputation they started to have in Wuhan. The Chinese where selling at the black market huge snakes.

Those snakes were later cocked and shared among their friends as a precious and exotic meal. Suddenly the Chinese started to get sick. At the beginning they thought it's just the flu. Among the Wuhan population there was flu with no clue, I mean with no cure.

People started to die without an apparent reason. Finally somebody screamed C O R O N A! And that is how it took flight. The authorities started to search for a clue of this disease and when everything was ruled out, they stumbled at the snake trafficking.

Today the snakes are saved and preserved in China. Nobody will ever touch them again. The snakes has been avenged and saved by a little mouse that escaped from the lab. The circle of life: mouse runs away, snake eat mouse, human eat snake and game over! Human must pay!

 
***
 
Back to reality... we jump over 1000 cases. To be more precisely we have a total of 1231 confirmed cases and 13 deaths. Do you still think this is a joke? Well, I don't!

Now we need to add a new scheme to the opportunists list. There are fake e-mails that are circulating about the Corona virus that has as goal to infect your computers and hold your data for ransom.

Really people? Wake up! Stop this non-sense, and care for each other. Help if you can, if not ... keep the distance and pray!

Author Notes Just a theory about the origins of Corona virus. I started to document the evolution of this virus 6 days ago, when I had my first panic attack. I had two options: get sick because of the panic, or make fun of the virus and pray for a cure. I choose option number two, and here I am six days later.


Chapter 9
To mask or not to mask

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Day 7
March 23, 2020

I am one day behind. I know I got distracted, or should I say I was not feeling great and I got scared. Yesterday, I went at work as usual, and I started to feel sick: pain in my throat, chest and excessive tiredness. In Alberta we have an on-line self-assessment tool for COVID-19.

After I panicked for 30 minutes, because I couldn't find that precious e-mail with the link, I finally got it. I did the on-line test and based on that I was supposed to call 911. If you are extra bad, the other magic number is 811. They should think better about these numbers, I just might dial the extra hot one by mistake, and voila panic for all of us!

Shaking I said:" Get a grip on yourself, it's just the google hysteria; you know where you got everything you read." I dissolved a sachet of vitamin C in hot water, and I felt better, thanks God for autosuggestions. You know that thing that you mumble when you are scared :" You are fine, you are fine, YOU ARE FINEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, Damn it! Stop shaking I get vertigo!"

Yesterday I decided to get on with the reality and went shopping. The stores are still full. I get it and also sympathize and understand why the people who still needs to work in the groceries store are cranky. Nobody was wearing masks, they just had gloves, and I must the store was quite full. Nobody was practising the social distancing. I think we are still in denial here. Nobody takes this Lady Corona serious. They say, yup, "It's made in China so it has an expiration date". It has, for sure, your expiration date, and bye, bye mommy!

After my morning freak out, I don't care what people are thinking or saying behind my back, I am wearing the damn mask and the oversize gloves. What can I do? I couldn't find the small size, so now I am swimming in an XL pair of gloves, for which I am grateful. In time of crisis, whatever you have, is welcomed for your protection.

For example, on Sunday I went with my hubbie for a walk; the parks where full of people with no protective gear. I was the only one wearing one of those heavy masks: the famous 3M 8511 NIOSH TC-84A-1299 - N95, that has apparently something that makes the breathing easier. I have no clue what all those numbers and letters are standing for.
All I know is that it makes me look like an alien. Whenever I was turning people where laughing, I said to myself let's see who laughs later! Truth be told, a couple of months ago I used to be the one making fun of Asian people wearing masks in the middle of the winter for no apparent reason. The smarties: they knew what was coming and got extra training in how to wear this strange thing.

Did you know that the masks are one size fits all! I have a very small face and I am not kidding you they should make ones with glasses because it almost covers my entire face. Since I need also to wear glasses because I am blind as a bat, I am doomed. I feel like being in a constant furnace, because I don't see a damn thing, and I am just hearing my own breathing. I am an freaking walking hazard. Thank God, people are getting out of my way:  the only thing left for me to get hit on or by it's a fence, car or building.

The other problem is that I might end dead,because I don't know how to breath in this this thing; there are no instructions how to wear it. I don't know if it's washable, so I just clean it with disinfectant wipes every time I am taking it off. How do I know that I don't wear it backwards? For example, it took me three days to figure out where to put the second elastic from the bottom  or maybe top of the mask? Duh! It's not made for dummies like me!

Masks are hot commodities right now. The only place you can get them in Edmonton are from the health medical supplies stores. The other day, I went to pick up my thyroid prescription and when, I ask about masks, they offered me a bottle of disinfectant, saying very proudly that has Aloe Vera in it. I was lucky, because they just got a shipment. So, just like my beloved character, Jack Sparrow I decided to do the smart thing and," take what I can, never loose a chance." I took the battle and thanked God for this heavenly gift. Then my friend who is a doctor told me that Aloe Vera is protecting your hands. So, I got the best thing. Anyway, I don't know if it is protecting my hands or not because my husband stole it from me.  Now, all I got is just the... memory and the hole in my budget for buying it.

In Canada, the the numbers of hits are increasing! So stay two meters away from me: I am fat, cranky, and I need my AIRRRRRRRRRR!

Now let's go back to the masks. It's pure luck that me and my husband got them before the wave hit us. I bought them on 15th of February because we were going to Cuba, and Lady Corona was trading high in Asia. I thought that if one of those are ending up in my plane I am royally screwed.

Anyway, we got lucky. After we come back from Cuba, we heard that things changed over there too. The Italians tourists brought with them this precious visitor. What can we do, the Italians like to share? You can ask the Romanians about this gift...

My advice to you is: don't joke about it. Wear the damn mask and gloves for the peace of mind.

 


Chapter 10
The Olympics

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Day 8
24 March, 2020
 
I don’t understand why everybody wants to beat China? Who signed up for this crazy Olympics and have not advertised in advance?  Probably the Chinese where thinking we are number one in the world economy, why not be the same in the Pandemic Olympics? Italy said no, no we want to be the first, so they jumped like crazy, and Lady Corona obliged and claim the big prize of 6820 deaths compared with the snake-n-do population of 3281 from China.

O.K., China is still the champion with 81,218 cases compared with 69,176 in Italy. Now in this crazy race, we have the United States with 54,968 cases of infected and 784 deaths, and as far as I know bats are not in their preferred menu. Did KFC used chicken of the cave for their menu? I hope not!
 
Spain bounced too in this race and said: Europe must win this race. Please, folks, I am being sarcastic here, and hope my sarcasm will make Lady C, go away. Spain got “blessed” with 47,610 infected and 3,434 deaths. What the heck, is the inquisition back? I know we must repent for our sins, but can we have an indulgentia?

Germany felt left out, neine! They join the chorus, ja, with 34,009 cases and 172 that went to fight for a better world. Now, the eternal rival, France, mais oui, obtained the bronze medal in Europe with 27,017 infected and 1,100 death.
 
So how is Asia doing in this Pandemic Olympics? No questions asked, as was expected in any Olympics China got the gold. Silver went to a new commer in the Olympic world: welcome  Iran with 27,017 and 2,077 deaths and the bronze went to South Korea, 9,137 infected and 126 death. I think the Koreans had the best rate of return in this game, so let’s follow their example and stay isolated.

Let’s see how South America is doing: samba si trabajo no; this time this tactic is quite desirable! Brazil got the gold with 2,271 cases and 47 deaths, after that Chile with 927 cases and 2 deaths, keep it down brother! The silver goes to the tango country, Argentina with 387 cases and 6 deaths.

Frankly, I don’t get it. Was not this virus manufactured for the cold season? So how do we explain this… South America and Central America? No more escapades to Mexico and Cuba. Dear Canadians, stay home, Mexico has 405 cases and 5 deaths, and Cuba 40; probably all imported. It's like in a bad movie: we give you heroina, return the Coroina . I visit you, I drink your Cerveza and you… die!

 I guess Lady C, doesn’t give a damn about the weather she just wants to be fed. I hope she will go to fast soon, because  Easter is coming, and we are still in lent theoretically. I do hope that our Saviour will wipe this slate clean, if we repent, of course.

For the first time in PandemicOlympic history, ladies and gentlemen we have a ship, that banged all expectations: Diamond Princess has put Japan on the map with 1905 cases and 53 deaths. This ship like the poor beer, will have to change their names and branding. Just think about it: Corona gives you chills! For the ship, “take a trip in the deep…sneezing

We don’t want to be accused of racism so let’s see how Africa is doing in this pandemic? So, the gold goes to South Africa with 709 cases, but zero deaths, bravo! Silver goes to Egypt for 402 cases and 2 deaths. And finally, the third place goes to Morocco, no more Casablanca, 170 cases and 5 deaths.

Now let's see how two of my ex countries are doing. Romania has 906 infected, and 13 deaths. Bulgaria is sitting pretty good, only 200 infected and 3 deaths.

I prefer to stay at the back of the queue and be safe, then having so many cases touched by Lady Corona. For now, Canada is behind USA, finally something we don’t complain about in this Olympics. We have 2792 cases and 26 death. So, in the good Canadian fashion, will say sorry and be safe. I wonder if the entire human race will stay home, we will survive or we will zombie out?
 
 


 

Author Notes Please read with cautions, it meant to be a silly story, if you feel offended, stop reading immediately. It might contain scenes that are not suitable for people who have lost their sense of humor. As usual, thank you for reading and stay home, my friends.


Chapter 11
Corona

By Iza Deleanu

I am back to reality. The vacation was sweet but short, I am still in recovery mood. Somebody whispers in my head: "Long flight, yeh?"

Automatically I whisper back: "Can't you tell?"

The voice comes back: "Any Corona?"

"No! I was in Cuba, not in Mexico!"

"I am talking about the Corona virus, dummy"

"Are you crazy? You should not joke about this! And no, no Corona...or I hope not."

"You hope not? Wow, that's a first."

"Yeah, I hope not. I went on this trip and there were some Chinese... I know I am paranoid, everybody runs from them."

Author Notes Thank you for sharing. The picture is from Google, https://www.goodfreephotos.com/food/corona-beer-on-beach.jpg.php
And this is a true story, I just come back from Cuba and everybody is paranoia about the Corona virus and Asian people.


Chapter 12
Can't Touch This!

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Day 11,
March 25, 2020

How can we ban Lady Corona? I am seeing that in Europe it's on a killing frenzy. Nobody is safe: they are saying that only old people are chosen, and this is wrong! Lady C has no preference, I see, I touch! That is her slogan. Teenagers, young kids, and people among their 20 and 50 are falling under her gaze as well; there is no running away, there is no where safe... except your home.

Do you think that she has time for: Eeney Meeney Miney Moe you are coming with me Bro! I see her more like that Boa character from the Jungle Book: Look into my eyes or sneeze into my eyes and bang, you are gone!

If you want to be a hero nowadays: just stay home. The media is bombarded with this staying at home staying alone slogan. If I am going back to one of my marketing classes then I must ask myself what is the buzz world or catch phrase for 2020? I think we all agree that staying at home, flattening the curve (what the heck does this mean?) and social distancing (this is quite the opposite of socialisation) are the winners! For the last one I think a better and more effective descriptor is the MC Hammer song -  Can't Touch This!

What would be the most praised activity for 2020? I think wash your hands beats all the others, even Netflix falls behind. Wanna stay alive, wash your hands! Wanna stop the spread, wash your hands! The doctors are having a new addition for the stay alone stay at home activities: Disinfect! Disinfect! 

Some countries went ballistic, they wash their streets and citizens with chlorine all day long. I guess this job pays well. You opportunists, this new seasonal job could become a full-time job, because the flu season now is all year long. So we have shovels for the snow (winter activity), cut the grass (summer delight) and wash the street with chlorine aka disinfect all year-round activity!
Now you can't say that Lady Corona doesn't creates new opportunities... empolyment!

The is the first time in human history when all the nations are agreeing on three things: wash your damn hands, stay in your home aka shelter,cave (yeah Mr. Bat, this one is for you! Mother of all extinction!), practice social distancing and I will add the extra wear a mask and glove your hands! Yup that's a new word for you, please add this to your dictionary to glove your hands means to cover your hands with gloves. Ta-da! Am I smart, or what?

I must admit this Lady C gives me certain ideas, but that voice in my head that screams: RUN, IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! That is the one I tried to silence, so I am screaming Can't Touch This!

Author Notes This is my way to cope with this virus. I will try to post everyday updates from all over the world and my own vision, hopefully funny, on the matter.


Chapter 13
The Ugly

By Iza Deleanu

Day 12
March 26, 2020

Panic, my office looks like a ghost town. I want to be home too, but they don't say anything... we are not allowed to stay home! I am sitting at my desk and feel that my moral slides down as a clown's mask. I am tired: too much information, too many deaths, too many infected. I feel the Ebola terror all over again. This is the ugly face of Lady Corona.

We look suspiciously at each other. God forbidden to dare to sneeze, everybody jumps out of your way and the last one standing... disinfect. Wait, we run out of that, so we attack the bathroom to wash our hands with lots of hot water and soap.

I am actually happy that I don't live in the States; if you sneeze there will probably kill you. That's a clever way to stop the spread. I am being sarcastic, of course. I don't know if is true or not, but our neighbors don't give a damn about the toilet paper, all they care about in this pandemic are the guns. I wonder if they can shoot Lady C, without warning, of course, and free all of us of her reign forever.

You know, in India, the police went overboard with the stay at home thing. If they catch you on the streets, they beat you and send you home. Another measure that the Indians took is to put on the doors of the people that are infected a sign that warns the neighbours that they are sick. Try this in Canada, and you will get yourself a FOIPP request and a lawsuit for infringement of human rights.

Now at first glance, this measure looks extreme, but to be honest this is a good idea. Let's say, you are like me with no relatives in this country and something happens to me and my husband, nobody knows we are alone in the house. If you have a sign, at least people can bring you groceries, or if you don't answer your door or phone, they will call the emergency services and maybe save your life.

It's ugly, you know, in Spain, this is exactly what is happening. The Spaniards found lots of people that died in their homes. This phenomena could be the begining of a different type of infection ...

In Russia, if they catch you on the street you go straight to jail... for 5 years. In the meantime, I think it was the world organization, which requested all the countries to release all detainees.
Now the question is: do you defend yourself against Corona or against the murderers that are walking freely on the street. Oh, wait, we not supposed to be outside... so we are safe?

In Romania, the army is on the streets to make sure that the people are respecting the quarantine. If you have to work, you need to show a permit, otherwise you are fined, and this  believe me it's not peanuts, it's more than uou make in a month. Just imagine to apply for a loan, so you can pay Miss Corona's fine.

Romania got infected because of the people that were expelled from the European Union. It's funny, how in front of a disease you don't belong to UE anymore, but to the country of origin. Sweden said:" take your people home because they are a burden to our social system." This is another face of Corona, where there is no mercy and people are treated as objects that can be discarded at free will. Suddenly you are not citizen of the Union, but Romanian, Bulgarian etc.

Corona brought back an old profession: buccaneers! In France, pirates are attacking the hospitals and are robbing masks and ventilators. Guess how much it's a ventilator on the black market? Well it's at least 450 euros.

In Romania I heard they are attacking cargos that are transporting these hot commodities. Just think if you are a driver carrying these goods, man this it's quite an adventure. You can lose your life in the name of that precious cargo. This is the ugly face of Corona, people are becoming wolfs for each other, as Nietzsche was saying a long time ago.

Another ugly thing is the ego of the scientists and doctors that don't trust each other at the expenses of the people that are sick and dying. There are a couple of scientists and doctors that are applying some experimental treatments, but the community of doctors at large, condemn them because the treatments are not approved.

There is a doctor in Marseille that has quite a lot of success with his treatment. Other doctors are accusing him that is risking the lives of the patients. I thought that the oath of Hippocrates force you to save the lives of your patients at any cost.

How is the virus treated in Canada? Well this is the ugly part: it's not! If you are sick,  go home and only if you can't breathe, only then, you have the right to call 911. Only then, the emergency protocol kicks in: ICU and ventilator. Medication? Nope, they don't wanna risk it, so pray for a miracle if you are able. Ugly, Ugly ... Bad!

Author Notes I decided to document how this virus is affecting my sanity. So feel free to join me in this experience, I hope the reading will become funnier, then what I posted so far. Thank you for reading and let's stay safe my friends.


Chapter 14
The Good

By Iza Deleanu

Day 13

March 27, 2020

My hands are on strike: no more water, please! No more soap! Soon I will see only ...bones. Good thing, we learnt how properly to wash our hands and where to sneeze. As one of my friends was joking, the next pandemic will teach us how to wash other parts of our bodies too.

Thanks God, I still have a job to go too. That's another good thing. Today I was finally allowed to work from home. So I am trying the business as usual thing and is working. I was able to actually have a meeting with a client and do some work together via Skype. The good thing, that this virus brought for my company, it's the possibility to use Skype for business and to share our screens. This is an excellent tool to have if you work from home, because it will give you a certain feeling of normalcy! You are not working alone from home, you are working from home with the rest of your company -- we are all one click away.

Today we are going to talk about the good things that Lady C. brought into our lives. Please don't give me that look; I know Corona is bad for your health, but take into consideration the following:

1. Lady C., showed us how adaptable we are. Since the lock down, everybody jumped to buy the necessary technology to work from home: aka laptops, ergonomic chairs and office furniture. This is good for the this industry that manufactures and sells this types of commodities.  Can you imagine that I couldn't find a proper office chair in the whole town? I finally ordered one on Amazon and is coming... on April 27, 2020. That is ok, now  I am prepared for the next crazy thing, and this time I will stock in advance!

2. Corona brought back the see me theme. People are noticing when one of them is missing from the work place and start calling and inquiring for their health. That is good - is called altruism!

3. What can I do to help you, become the norm of the day.

4. People are kind to each other and are offering to do things for each other. Take for example that beloved priest from Italy, father Giuseppe Beradelli, a 72-year old, that gave his respirator purchased for him by his parishioners, to a unknown younger patient. His sacrificed his life to save that man's life. Even if looks bad, that was a good deed, that young man will live and remember father Giuseppe forever.

5. Retired doctors and students from the Faculty of Medicine in France, have created a database of volunteers that are on standby; when the hospitals needs help they are one phone call away and ready to take over.  Solidarity and compassione, this is good, so f... off, Corona!

6. Finally there are no more boundaries between countries. For example, Italia received medical help and doctors from China, Cuba and Russia. 

7. In Romania, a hospital from Suceva was forced to be closed for several days, because the entire medical personal got infected. Iasi the capital of that district, quickly asked for medical qualified volunteers and a team was assembled to help that hospital. Suceva, it's one of the most infected spots in Romania.

8. In Bulgaria, young people have organized a squad that will shop for the people that are old and confined in their houses. They posted their phones numbers on Facebook and said:" we are wearing masks and gloves, and we disinfect our cars after each delivery."

9. In France, the clients are getting a very personalized services: you can order on- line or by phone, your products. After you place your order, you just drive through and wait in the parkade in front of that respective store. The seller is delivering the purchase straight into your trunk. Everything is packed and sterilized.

10. Back to Romania. The National Television is helping the students by offering classes live. This is amazing; the teachers jumped to help and are teaching the entire country through this media. They don't want the students from grade twelve to be unprepared for their exam before going to college.

11. Again in Romania, private businesses and people are donating money or buying supplies for the hospitals. It's so nice to see how people actually care.

12. In Germany, people are leaving food on the street nicely packaged for the ones that are homeless.

13. In France the volunteers are taking care of the homeless by providing a hot meal and medical supplies to keep them safe from that ugly old lady, Corona.

14. In Bulgaria, some stores are offering hot soup and bread, for free, for old people that are coming out to shop or need help.

15. In Canada we are bombarded with the buy loco brand. And we are buying... lots of edible from our local manufacture Aurora. I can say that since this epidemic those guys are making lots of money, which is good for their employees. People prefer to be high than depressed. I personally prefer my kittens, this si the best therapy and I do support local. You see these kittens where born in Edmonton last September, I adopted them inNovemeber, the same month that the epidemy took off in China.

I never thought that Lady C, will come to Canada. I was thinking is too cold for her taste... until I found out that she likes cold... exactly as the beer. 

16. Globally all the religious cults are keeping their doors open on-line and millions of prayers are heard from all over the world.

17. The scientists globally are searching for a cure. I don't think it matters who find the cure, as long as lives are saved.

18. The numbers of phone calls and chat calls have increased as well the overseas phone calls. Take for example my family, we are living in 3 different continents and in nine different countries: Canada, Australia, United Sates of America, France, Italy, Spain, Germany and Romania. Thanks to the modern communication means we are able to stay in contact with each other's.

19. We care more about our kids, we finally see them and talk to them. That is a good thing.

20. We call our parents and grand-parents more often, and suddenly we really want to hear them and make sure that they are fine.

21. We work from home, therfore we are challenged to learn  new skills and learn new technologies for this purpose.

22. This is all good, and you can see it. So thank you Lady C., for bringing back our humanity and demolishing the: Me, Myself ad Irene syndrome.

23. No cars, no pollution, so the protestors can sleep better now! I personally prefer the global warming, and don't jump at my throat, let me explain. If global warming kills this virus, let it be.

24. Today I was surprised by nature. This is the only thing that is following its own course. The snow started to melt, and as I watching the water running under the wall of snows suddenly a realisation hits me: life is here, so stop complaining! This is good!




 

Author Notes I decided to document how this virus is affecting my sanity. So feel free to join me in this experience, I hope the reading will become funnier, then what I posted so far. Thank you for reading and let's stay safe my friends


Chapter 15
The Bad

By Iza Deleanu

Day 14
March 28, 2020

Today is snowing again. The winter, as Lady Corona, wants to keep us in Frozen Land, probably until December. There are some rumors about the World Health Organization (WHO) that is giving help and advice preferentially. Truth to be told, we are fed up with advice; we have the internet for that. We want a solution, something to heal us permanently.

The WHO, become the dictator in how to fight this disease: do this, and you will get that! Why should our countries become slaves? Why WHO never talked about this disease last year? Was China not part of the preferred countries? Where was she hiding? Was she in hibernation? Why I just heard about it yesterday?

How is this organization fighting with Lady C.? Well, ladies and gentleman, they have an app, you see, Corona, is not scared of crossing the borders, but is scared by an app:" Today (aka 27 March 2020), WHO is launching dedicated messaging services in Arabic, French, and Spanish with partners WhatsApp and Facebook to keep people safe from coronavirus. This easy-to-use messaging service has the potential to reach 2 billion people and enables WHO to get information directly into the hands of the people that need it." Lots of bla-bla blah and wash your hands.

I don't need a damn app to tell me that! So I am putting this organization on the naughty list: the one for useless and elementary Watson thing!

In Romania, they say that we don't need ventilators, but doctors, because without them those ventilators, are useless. All the countries are gripped and scared, hiding behind doors.

This is bad! There is also a country that thought that is untouchable; this attitude is terrible for your health! One of those countries was the States, and when they got hit, they got hit pretty Bad!

Now in the States, the governors are playing the old coin of democracy, bargain for the medical supplies. What the heck, where is the humanity? How can you barge with human lives in such a pandemic? This is bad, my friend, and is a crime against humanity.

Italy and Romania, from what I heard, have the same problem: stores that have increased their prices for food and the bare necessities with 30 %. Hello, are you crazy? When nobody is working, because they are staying at home, how do you expect them to pay?

What choice do you have? Die because of Lady C. or of hunger? This is bad, very bad!

In parts of Spain, the population went wild and attack the stores like in a real Black Friday day. They stole everything! This is bad, but can you blame them?

When we panic, we are losing our judgment; all we have in our minds is the judgment day!

China lied to us, that's bad! They have more deaths than they officially declared. Eh, les chinois, what games are you playing? Now lawyers from all over the world are working on a lawsuit accusing China that used and realized this biologic weapon against the globe.

Can you imagine this modern, Mata Hara spying on us and touching us lovely? Why did they compromise this nice Mexican beer? Why did they choose, and used the code name: Corona. That was terrible, very bad!

Now since we are pushed to stay in our homes, what are the consequences?

1. Depression

2. Obesity

3. An increased rate of divorces (well, if you have to live with the enemy, probably will end up with Corona, then staying on lockdown with the person you hate.) Perhaps you can get divorced on-line since everybody works from home.

4. Your kids will either love you or hate! Be prepared to pay a large sum of money to their psychologist post-Corona. That is bad!

5.  People that look Chinese from all over the world are targeted. Do you remember, in 2001 the hysteria after the 9/11 attacks, when whoever locked like a Muslim was almost shot on spot? Mark my words, it's happening all over again!

6. Egoism and " the I don't care attitude" increasing

7. The number of babies born post-Corona will increase the population, but will these babies be healthy?

8. Since we learned to stay away from each other, we will continue to do so, just in case Lady C. decides to visit us again. We will never let our guard down!

9. We will never forget to wash our hands and disinfect

In conclusion, no matter the scenario, this is bad, pretty bad!

 

Author Notes I decided to document how this virus is affecting my sanity. So feel free to join me in this experience, I hope the reading will become funnier, then what I posted so far. Thank you for reading and let's stay safe my friends


Chapter 16
Good versus Evil

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

It's been a week since the Devil closed all the churches and places of worship. You know, in Romania, during a hard time, the church was the place where people were finding peace and hope. If you don't believe me, look at all the postings on Facebook from Romania. Almost 90 % have a prayer, an Icon of Mother of God, etc.

You can imagine Satan sitting in his corner office with a glass of whiskey on the rocks and a cigar in the corner of his mouth, talking to sexy Lady Corona:" We did it, my princess, we finally shut off God! These idiots will not go against the law! They are too scared not to listen to the high recommendations that are coming from the higher power: the almighty GOVERNMENT!"

Corona moved sexily around the Devil and will whisper: "Sorry Devi, you don't know them as I do. Look, I went to Italy and Spain, you know, the most catholic countries in the world, and they are still waiting for a miracle and have not given up on God.

Look at Russia; Putin himself is going to church and believes that God will send a miracle.

"So Devi,"she will try to get closer to him, but the Devil will jump from his chair."Yo, C., stay the hell away from me, you're deadly. My scientists are still searching for a cure, so keep your deadly charms away from me!"

As Satan was bragging with his lover Corona, God opened multiple churches in each house through the live transmission of the services from the empty temple of worship. I think God scored 1000 points with this clever maneuver. So you are respecting the law, under five people crew in the church, placed strategically at distance one of another, and trust me there is no spreading of Lady C., there; and you give people a chance to pray.

You should've seen how the on-line links to the church services were shared like crazy. Just in Edmonton alone, there were 1000 Orthodoxs connected and participating in the Holy Liturgy.

I personally, to be on the safe side, I am listening to two services streaming in parallel. So take it from here, Devi, I counter attack you: two in one or two at once! Again multitasking and understanding multiple languages, it's finally paying off. I am watching live streaming the holy liturgy transmitted from Biserica Orthodoxa Romana din Edmonton, Canada (The Romanian Orthodox Church, from Edmonton Canada) and at the same time watching the Sunday liturgy from St. Anthony Ukrainian Church from Edmonton.

Both churches have services in their native languages and English. Don't brush me of, screaming crazy Babylon syndrome: this is very clever because everybody can watch the services and take something to fight with, against Corona, for the next week. Again 1000 points for God.

I am pretty sure that other countries are doing the same to keep the faith and the flame of God burning. We are waiting for the resurrection of Jesus Christ, which will bring us a miracle on Easter night. And I wholeheartedly believe in this, because I got my own miracle a couple of years ago on that holy night!

Another secret potion that the Romanian are using is the so-called a face haz de necaz, which literally means to make fun of troubles. There are so many fun things posted about the Corona virus that you start to make fun of Lady C., instantly. Psst, let's not give her an idea and tell her that she can spread faster via Facebook, one instant click, and the world is Kaboom! So let's share some prayers, my darlings!

Until the cure arrives, stop blaming each other, and don't give each other the evil EYE, put your faith and hope in God. Let's all pray, and we will get our miracle on Easter Eve.

Did you know that there a couple of Orthodox Saints that were doctors? We need to pray for the doctors to find a vaccine. We need to burn this negativity with a wave of positivity.

Today I saw a post on Facebook that made me stop and think: there was a happy emoji surrounded by angry Corona like viruses; step by step, the mean faces started to laugh and glowed  - happiness. That is how we will survive this.

We know already that this virus is terrible; we don't need to add more negativity. Let's say a big thank you to our front-line workers: our doctors, nurses, pharmacists, police, the local authorities federal governments, to God that gives us hope, to the people who are working in the stores, so we don't starve; especially for these ones, they deserve a big thank you. We should treat them with respect and cover our faces with a mask when we shop and wear gloves out of respect.

We need to protect all of them, and all of us, because they are precious gems that are risking every day their lives for us.
THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! GOD BLESS, YOU! AND STAY SAFE!

 

Author Notes I decided to document how this virus is affecting my sanity. So feel free to join me in this experience, I hope the reading will become funnier, then what I posted so far. Thank you for reading and let's stay safe my friends


Chapter 17
Working from home

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Day 16
March 30, 2020

Working from home, and I am not alone. This is the second day working from home. Do you guys work in your PJ and straight from your bed? Not me, I am actually getting a shower and after the shower, washing even my hands... again.

I am changing in something comfortable and even adding my favorite watch to my wrist and also my lucky bracelets, my only treasure that my dad left before going in heaven.

It's i6.30 am, and I am starting my daily barging with my husband for who gets the office space. Mother Fortune, I am losing every time!

I was banished from our official office space because he has to teach on-line. He is an electrical engineer and is teaching right now from home. He hates it, but on-line is the way to go now days.

Oh, brother, I get the sofa again. I have to work from my multi-functional room, which is the living room, and also the kitchen. I got as a bonus the kitties too. My furry toddlers, are driving me crazy, jumping all over me when they feel like playing. I am telling you, there is no respect for moi in the house. I feel like being the freaking maid.

Everybody expects to be served, and when is my turn, everybody is scattered somewhere. Thanks, God that I am a big girl and I can take care of myself.

Since I am home, I went back to my old habit: swearing... Yup, I swear, every time my remote connection lets me down in the middle of an important meeting or when I am editing an important document. I swear whenever one of the three buggers with whom I am sharing the living space is interrupting me when I am on a freaking conference call.

It's like, hey, do I bother you when you are teaching your class? No, of course, not! Or you crazy furry babies, do I bother you when you are napping? Nope! Then why the heck are you?

Have you guys notice that you are working more from home that from your office. The reason is pretty simple: there is no more chit-chatting, no more breaks for coffees, hell, no! You don't dare even to take a washroom break, because you might lose your connection to your remote desk; and we know that it takes at least 10 minutes to reconnect.

Productivity increased by 100%.  That is astonishing! And you even forget about lunchtime, you eat in five minutes and back to that tiny screen. I thank God every day that I still have a job to go back too. I thank God every day for my family and friends. I thank God for you, my dear ones all over the globe. Please don't lose hope, this is just a moment that will pass.

Lady C., putted us in isolation, but we are humans, we know how to pass time; we know how to live in harmony and we know to take care of each others.

I am not complaining. I actually learnt a lot of skills since I have started to work from home.

Me and my husband, we are finally sharing meals together and eveneating at the same table; and now we finally talk ... yeah about Corona. He even bought me ... Heineken!

Author Notes I decided to document how this virus is affecting my sanity. So feel free to join me in this experience, I hope the reading will become funnier, then what I posted so far. Thank you for reading and let's stay safe my friends.


Chapter 18
The Inventory

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

31 March, 2020
Day 17

Should we wait for the government to take care of us, or should we help? Well, I just listened to the governor of California, which was saying that when LA open the 178 boxes of ventilators that they had in stock, none of them were working. Instead of waiting for the federal government to take care of the problem, they shipped them in Silicon Valley. In 72 hours, those ventilators were up and running!

Thank God for the local resources. In a normal situation, you will return those to the manufacturer, aka China. But, desperate times required desperate measures. Hey, folks, God gave us a head full of ideas, so why not using that apparatus... more often? We are so used to give up in the first second, we encounter a problem, instead of using the power of our minds to find the solution. Have you noticed that usually a problem comes with a solution in the background; you just have to open your eyes.

Another very important thing that the senator brought up is the use of the wrong terminology for millennials: social distancing. Of course, they are confused, for them, socialization is not as for the old generation going to a disco, to a concert, to a ballet. Usually, they get social only when they are on-line, on their virtual world: Facebook, Pinterest, tweeds, etc. Sorry, I am not savvy in this area. For moi Facebook it's a way to stay in contact with my family back home.

So what are the dummies doing? Distancing on-line, but getting to parties, because nobody thought to use the right terminology: physical distancing. Whoever come up with this phrase, should go and hit the back button and let's start again: PHYSICAL DISTANCING!

I am a freaking expert in that area; I distanced myself from my family, I even  crossed the Ocean  to do that. Europe- North America - safe distance for now....

So if you die of the coronavirus this year, you are going to be famous. You are going to be part of an unique population, part of the Corona generation, part of a statistic.

You know every year people are dying of flu, cancer, heart attacks, but those deaths are not important.

Now dying in Corona time, it makes the difference; you might even be part of the cure.

I propose to have a special place and monument to all the people that went with Corona. They deserve to be remembered.

Whoever let this virus out is going to be famous, and he will say: I am the one who killed one million people between 2019-2020- what a beautiful achievement. For sure, he will get the most precious award: Criminal of the Year. The jury will decide this achivement  in the International Court of Justice from Hague.

Hey, douchebags, please stay at home, some psychopaths are bored on the streets, and they can have a little fun with your scary asses.

Have you ever asked yourself why the prime minister or the federal minister of health from Canada, in this time of crisis, when they are adressing the crowds, they always sounds like a funeral director? You should watch one of the clips that are coming from Canada. I swear to you every time the Federal Chief of the Medical Office, Ms. Tan, talks about Corona I feel like killing myself.

Her face says: there is no hope you better go and kill yourselves. Nobody escapes Corona.

Folks, I know Corona is dangerous, but we need a little beat of hope. Also the same tone keeps our prime, and it sounds like every time he is talking, he is choking. Hey, I have something in my throat! Crap, I hope is not Corona. My wife had it, and I tested negative. It must be Fluffy; seems like her hair. Oh, Fluffy is my cat. Ha, Ha, Ha, what have you thought? I will never cheat to my Sophie.

So yeah, take an inventory:

All the channels are killing it: Corona 24 from 7. 

The showbiz is killing it too! Come on, and we don't need more movies about pandemic when we have one just in our back yard.

We are going to go crazy, but the lack of fresh air will give us hallucinations and start to see a potential threat in our dear ones!

The old parents are getting pampared and are getting all the attention in the world. Finally,  it feels good to feel appreciated!

Everybody in this world nowdays is following Australia's example in regards with schooling from home. Romania followed her example, and it's offering live classes on the National Television. 

We all become technical savvy because working from home is do or die.

We start to appreciate more what we have and become grateful.

We acknowledge the importance of a pet as a natural de-stressor. So you, Alberta, hurry up and ban that No Pet policy from the buildings!

Shut up, Greta. I have minus 20 degrees today and lots of snow. So where did you transferred that global warming?

Finally, all the protests stopped their activities, and all the protesters are on vacation. Good riddence!

We are showing support to our front line worker, by creating a mob wave of thank you, by honking from our cars. This idea belongs to a local radio station: we have to honk when we go by Royal Alec hospital at 7 am and then at 5 pm as a sign of appreciation. If you ask me personally, I think this is a terrible idea. What if you scare Corona, and she runs away?

 

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes


Chapter 19
Tik-Tok

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Day 18
April 1st, 2020

By now, everybody heard about this song: It's Corona Time! Actually I am using this song as a sanitizer joke in my household. Every time my husband wants something I am telling him: Hey, it's Corona time. This song drives him nachos. I know I am evil, but at least it gives me some peace and quiet to reflect.

Since this is my first week stuck at home, I am trying to find something to do, except work of course, to keep my energy up. No worries, outside is minus 20 and snowing, so I will not break the detention time.

I am in denial, after I am getting sore from working 8 hours on my laptop, I take my shadow to exercise. I tried abs and yoga, but it's depressing!

Alone zi -- the only thing that works for me is music and dance! So I am dancing like crazy for a couple of hours. I hope my neighbours are in quarantine somewhere else. He is from Mexico and she is from China. Maybe they are somewhere there, and I can Corona dance my way out from this confinement. We are family! My kitties are dancing with me!

My husband stays in his room, like a good "girl" and it's hiding his edibles. I pretend I don't see that. Honestly, I prefer to see him drinking a beer, than eating that crap! Anyway, each one of us with its own hobby or hobbit.

You should stop from what you are doing and see how many times a day you run in the background this song: It's Corona time, ey!

Have you noticed lately that every time you turn on the TV, immediately, you are running to the fridge and opening a... beer? You can take the Corona news only with a cold beer. Damn, it is too cold outside -  a barbecue will be nice!

I don't know about you, but I am done! No more watching the death row on this idiotic web site that counts the spread with sadistic joy. Here you go, if you want to lose your sleep! Seriously, who cares how many are dying? I don't want to sound disrespectful ... Death is tragic, let's stop thinking numbers, because we have souls, and numbers are having only... prisoners. There is Pietro, Julia, Diego, Charles, Juana, Jesus, Mohmed, Bilal, Xin Chu, Roxana, Maria, Costel, Jasmine, Jean-Paul, Xavier.... We will never forget you...

How can you fight and keep your sanity, when every time you reload the data, on that creepy site, the numbers are freaking going up and up. For one cured, ten gone, this is insane! So, stop it! No wonder people now days are having two choices: get drunk or get high, either way works in CORONA TIME!

Yup, working from home it's awesome, you can get both option or you can have two in one! It's Corona time -- get HIGHHHHHHHH!

I am on my province web site and I am laughing my Corona out! How do the Albertans combat the virus? With posters! Yeah, that's right! Help spread this; help stop that!

What about help... we need some testing done ASAP! This is pathetic.
One friend of mine is sick; he is trying to get a test ... and no chance for romance. It's Corona time, it's Corona die! They told him, that he is ok and the only time he must call is when he can't breathe. Freaking idiots, he is alone and if he can't breathe, can he Talk? This gives me the chills. Just imagine this scene: Hello cough, cough, shallow breathing, sharp breathing, 811? I reach the status, cough, and cough, can you please test me... now... and bang! Here goes his last breath.

The 811 (The Corona special line) calls 911 (Emergency Services), that is the department that deals with the goners! Listen to a 811 coment in the background: Hurray! This one goes straight to the morgue, no ventilator needed and no test wasted. Prime Minister, we are good here, we don't waste supplies, give more to Quebec. Put in the statistic first death, wait how old was this guy? 28? Wow, so not only oldies but goldies are going!

So if you don't want to make the last call in Corona time, please stay at home. Use a mask if you need to go outside and keep the distance. Dance your way out of Corona Please stay safe and stay sane, and pray...

Author Notes Please read with cautions, it meant to be a silly story, if you feel offended, stop reading immediately. It might contain scenes that are not suitable for people who have lost their sense of humor. As usual, thank you for reading and stay home, my friend.
The postre is from Alberta Government website.
https://www.alberta.ca/coronavirus-info-for-albertans.aspx?gclid=Cj0KCQjwmpb0BRCBARIsAG7y4zZ-R6BeEFINREZ3cvbccC8SFgJBZQ9Xw-1Bou8NIhhl8j9zr8wHBCQaAt6SEALw_wcB#statement
P.S Edibles are marijuana chocolate, is legal in Canada


Chapter 20
Politikia alias Politics

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Day 19
April 2, 2020

As usual, the medicine in Canada sucks: zero prevention, 100% focus on the veggies stage the so-called palliative care. You can shovel your "paleo " dans le derriere"!

Stop going in circle! There is no going cheap right now option and saving the funds and waiting. Please test the people who think are sick, if you test them in time, maybe will stop the spread. Dying in isolation it's no fun! Stop hovering over those tests, let them flow, let them go!

So let me get this straight: currently there is  no test, for the pleading, no mask for the needing, no gloves, but we have to wash our hands and stay at home?

I have a big fear. We can stay at home for months, and when we get out we will get sick, because we forgot how to breathe and be humans. I am dead serious about this. I stayed the entire week in the house. Yesterday I went for a short walk to the corner of my street. I had hard time breathing and walking in the sun. It took me at least 5 minutes to readjust.

Moreover every time I was seeing someone walking towards me I was crossing the street on the other side. Soon my walk becomes a zig-zag run from one side to the other side. I gave up. This is stupid! I call this paranoia,' cause I was wearing a freaking mask and gloves and I was bundle up like there is no tomorrow. I decided to continue my walk inside the block.

Man, there were other people using my idea and doing laps inside. Mostly where old people, I felt ashamed. They had no choice, but to walk inside, so I retrieved quickly to my palace. For now the dance will do and socializing with my kitties and hubbie! What a gong show! If I stop writing, means I'm in jail, probably I killed one of them! Wait I can't go there, the detainees are free now!

How is the federal government fighting this pandemic? With messages that nobody listens to anymore: wash your handy-dandy hands, stay home, don't go out, and don't wear a mask?

What? What the heck, this might be the only thing that might keep me safe. Mr. Prime ! The Prime is saying the masks are for doctors. O.K., agreed, I am not going to go and steal them from the hospitals like in France. You know I bought them officially, when I was going in Cuba in February, weeks before Lady C. hit us. I spend lots of money to get them.

If you want, I can donate a few to the hospital. I already gave one to the lady who brings us the mail. Probably somebody from his staff realized the idiocrasy of not wearing a mask, and come back with:" we don't have enough data from the provinces to ask everybody to wear a mask."

Yeah sure! Look, in China the masks are mandatory, in Romania, Spain, France, Germany, but not in Canada?

You can't stop me for wearing it! It's for the protection of my family and your family too! You want to stop this? Test and try for once, not to hide behind the bullshit with not enough data, and start applying a scheme for treatment. What are you waiting for? Do you want us to become the next Spain or USA? Can't you see the numbers are up all over Canada? How many more do you want to get infected? How many more do you want to die? Corona is not choosing, she is taking what she can, never losing a chance! In Canada, she likes them young...

Ah, and one more thing, Primo, why don't you stop waiting for medical supplies from outside and follow other countries example. Instead of winning that Trump stopped the export of medical supplies, man up, and find a solution locally or a different supplier.

Twain exports the masks, we can get them from them. Tiny and uncivilized Romania, is producing ventilators, and also is working around the clock to produce a cure, producing masks, and medical equipment, local businessman are feeding the nurses and the police etc. Germany is doing the same. Korea is testing people left and right! I am not asking to go to extremes like in Philippines, where the president asked the police to shoot on sight anybody who is not staying inside.

Tell les Quebecois, to stay the f... home and buy the beer on-line and stop going to Ontario to spread the infection.

Just listen to this, idiots drove to Ontario (where are already 3630 confirmed cases) to buy beer because it's cheaper; if we corona out at least to have the last cheap beer! Cheers Ontario, from Quebec with love, after all we have just 7000 cases, we want more?

PPrimo shut down that province, is not safe for the rest of us. You are not going against the law, if they don't to stay at home, at least keep them confined in that province.

Romania put lots of city in locked down, Italy and France did the same. If you care about us, stop, listen and come up with positive solutions. We got it; we learn how to wash our hands! Until the Primo wakes up, stay at home my friends, and washit, wash it real well!

Cal your friends and families, they will be happy to hear from you. Keep on praying, and stay sane by following your routine in getting things done as usual. Be yourself, you are safe if you keep the positivity up .

Author Notes I decided to document how this virus is affecting my sanity. So feel free to join me in this experience, I hope the reading will become funnier, then what I posted so far. Thank you for reading and let's stay safe my friend


Chapter 21
Wash them, wash them real good

By Iza Deleanu

Day 20

April 3, 2020

I know I am going crazy, if I am starting to make fun of the wash your hands slogan. There were others before me, which were making fun about this anti-corona method of prevention. What the heck do we need a virus to teach us every year how to wash something, that should be already - elementary Watson! This year the entire planet learnt how to wash their hands. I wonder if next year the feet will get the same honor and publicity.

Everywere you turn there is a celebrity engaged in the wash your hands campaign, or how and where to sneeze, what is the best position for sneezing etc.

Now is Corona time, and washing your hands it's back on fashion. Celebrities, your governments and the mere mundane are posting clips about how to wash your hands. Really, nobody did this before? Have I lived in a nightmare, the western world had no clue how to wash the hands?

I just remember that HBO series Westworld: welcome to the Hands world, if you wanna enter here, wash them, and worship them. What the heck? What about that girl or boy that have no hands?

After I watched a couple of those clips, I suddenly felt that I was back in Romania, in communism time. As kids, we used to have in all the Romanian schools, on all the walls, pictures of how to wash... your hands, of course!

I remember every morning, our teacher would check to see if our nails were cut, she was also checking  the hands, necks, ears and even under our nails for dirt or any kind of something that was showing a bad hygiene habit. If we were not clean according to the norm, we were sent home to put ourselves in order and come back for another check-up.

I never thought about this a being abnormal, until Corona hit us! It hit me! My generation from Romania and North Korea knows how to wash les mains. But now, I see that this is not part of the school program in other parts of the globe. Did we get sick because we had dirty hands?

Another element: sneezing in your sleeve. Come on, is not polite to sneeze on your neighbor. I was taught to sneeze on my hankie, or in my sleeve. It was mandatory to have in our pockets a cotton handkerchief that we used to wash and iron and use them again.

Thank you Lady C., I finally learnt how to stay away from you and how to run from you! I wash my hands for 20 minutes with hot water, but I have a better antidote: I am drinking holy water every morning, this is my anti-virus that keeps me safe! I stocked up, I should be fine for a few months! 

By  the way, this water is not for sale. Ask you priest for it. Please stay safe and believe that soon this will be over. If we all pray across the planet, we can beat Lady C. in a second!

 

Author Notes For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.
I decided to document how this virus is affecting my sanity. So feel free to join me in this experience, I hope the reading will become funnier, then what I posted so far. Thank you for reading and let's stay safe my friends.


Chapter 22
Cloroxella

By Iza Deleanu

Day 21

April 4, 2010

Let me introduce you to Clorexella, who is a very good cousin with Cinderella. You know, that poor girl that was orphaned and had to live half of her life in an establishment that looked more like a foster care facility, than a normal and loving family.

She had to clean all day long without complaining, but her reward was a nice prince that comes with a big bonus: a nice kingdom.

What do I have in common with poor Cinderella? Well, I got the cleaning part... and I am so tired of it. Hey, I need a freaking vacation. I am tired of smelling like a cleaning factory all day long. I think my hands are going to disappear soon.

Just for fun, I am going to call Chlorine alias Bleach -  Clorexella. I think this name sounds nicer and it's also a good weapon against Coronella.

One touch of Clorexella and your smile is to die for; but what the heck it's for a good cause! Until the cure is found, I am making sure that my family is safe by washing everything with Cloroxella, well everything except my kitties and of course us, the dumb humans.

Did you know that Cloroxella has disappeared from the city stores, before the Lady Coronella graced us with her presence?

The smart guys knew, and stocked up the same way they did with the toilet paper, the hand sanitizers, the masks and the gloves.

After more than a month, I found it! She is finally back in stores. Now I am stocked up baby! I got myself some nice Cloroxella and some holy water. You don't scare me Coronella, I am prepared for you now! I am not going to live in fear. I have gloves and I have masks, but most importantly I have our Lord, Jesus Christ, by my side. He is going to save us one more time.

There is one week left, until Easter. I just have to stay strong and not gave in this mass hysteria. By Easter, there is going to be a cure. I learnt my lesson: never give in, move on and keep on praying.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Do you think this is just a saying? I don't believe that. I was about to die so many times in my life, and guess who saved me? Yup, you are right; I was miraculously saved by a prayer to the Mother of God, or directly to the big Boss and His Almighty Son.

Friends, on Easter Nights (Catholic and Orthodox), this week and also next week, let's all pray together no matter where we are on this planet. Let's pray for a cure, and also for not going back to the same old bad habits and sins. We still need to be kind to each other, once the Coronella is rejected by the human race.

Coronella taught us one thing: we have families and for the first time we got stuck together 24/7. We finally realized we have old parents, and we start calling them and making sure they are safe. We learnt that we have neighbors, and we started talking to each other ... from a safe distance of course.

We also let the humour back in our lives. Look at all those funny posts about the Coronella. People are tired of death and negativism. Let's evict this Coronella with humour and positivity. Until the cure comes, live happy, talk to each other and comfort each other, pray together and hope together. Help the ones that lost a dear one... Life must go on; the humanity show is not over!

Until the next time, stay safe my friends whatever  you are.

Author Notes For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.
I decided to document how this virus is affecting my sanity. So feel free to join me in this experience, I hope the reading will become funnier, then what I posted so far. Thank you for reading and let's stay safe my friends.


Chapter 23
The rise of the Ventilators

By Iza Deleanu

Day 22
April 5, 2010

My oh my, countries are stealing supplies from each other. The piracy is back on schedule, or should I say back in business. Historically, Romania has  zero experience in this area, but miraculously managed to secure the rise of the ventilators from China.

I am hearing for the first time, that planes that are transporting medical supplies are hijacked, if they stop when they are refueling in a transit country.

In order to avoid this, Romania is not using commercial flights for this precious cargo, but two passengers lines: Tarom (the national company) and Blue Air (low cost). Nice camouflage, brother. There are 11 hours of straight flying time between Romania and China. Tarom is used to longer flights, but Blue Air is not;  they had to stop in Kazakhstan. Both were part of a ex- communist era, and again friends: me communism, tu communism.

How can you make profit on life and death matters? If you are in the possession of the AllMighty Ventilators, the Holy Masks and the Mighty gloves, you are the Master of the Universe. And... China has it all!. Wait a minute, they have it all... including Coronella! What if we are buying Ventilators and we are getting Coronators? Of, stop me now, I am going crazy!

I was watching the Romanian TV and one of the pharmaceutical companies declared that they secured the precious ventilators for all the  hospitals across the country. When the reporter asked how they secured the precious cargo, the answer was: we paid cash. The materials were initially purchased by USA that gave the Chinese just a small advance, but then Trump blame Coronella on them. Immediately the Chinese changed their mantra. If you don't kiss my Coronella ass, you're getting only my small Asian finger, Mr. President.

The Chinese probably mumbled, yup, you go wait America, we changed our minds. We need cash! Romanian it's an ex-communist country so have it brother, have it all... double- double... price. In other words, the higher bidder got it all!

If the Americans got the middle finger, I don't even wanna think what the Canadians will get! After the last year scandal with Huawei, we will get just lots of promises....empty of course!

I am a Canadian citizen now, and I care about this country too. So I started to call all my friends and ask: Hey guys, do you have ventilators? Oh, Canada I got you ventilators, you know that machine that we use in the short summers to keep us cool. I talked to my family doctor and he start telling me that my Rise of the ventilators is not going to help in fighting Coronella. When I ask him why; he started to laugh and say: your ventilators are fan-ilators, aka fans. Oh, shoot, I have not checked the picture of the medical device properly. In Romanian we call the fans ( air coolers), ventilators . Now I am stack with 100 ventilators/fanilators that are of no use to the hospitals.

Thanks God, I have not started to collect humidifiers and essential oils. Those works for a normal flu, but Corronella is more emancipated, she prefers the human to human touch therapy.

 

Author Notes For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.
I decided to document how this virus is affecting my sanity. So feel free to join me in this experience, I hope the reading will become funnier, then what I posted so far. Thank you for reading and let's stay safe my friends.


Chapter 24
How to get away ... with murder?

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.

Day 23
April 6, 2020

How to get away with murder? I know I am not an original; somebody else used this title before, so sue me!

In Coronella time you can get away with anything, or at least is what some folks are thinking. Try that in Philippines they will shoot you on sight! Or if you are in India you'll get yourself a good beating. In Romania, they will give you a ... fine or a lawsuit. In Canada you'll get an apology, in the States depending on the state, you might get a fine, if you are lucky, or if you are not, you will get a nice and fine bullet.

Now let's go back to Coronella. Since everybody stays at home, the thieves are forced to apply for welfare, they must live too! Some of them are not happy with this outcome, and they risked it; and sometimes they get away with murder, when the robbery went west side!

In Romania you think you can get away with murder? Think twice! There was this guy, policeman, who came from Israel and infected the entire hospital with Coronella, because he lied that he never went on a trip for the past 10 days. He thought, he can get away with this crime, but guess what... is not going to. The state is accusing him of murder. The smart ass is going from the hospital straight to prison. If he is going to get sick again, no doctor is going to treat him ever!

Everywhere people are stuck together! Some of them were in process of getting a divorce, but now, because of Coronella, are forced to live under the same roof. My friends, if this is your case, you better let your family know, because you might not get a chance to divorce, you may lose your life in the process! So yeah, add to your list of things to do or check daily the following: old parents -  check; friends that are divorcing - check! Annoying kids out of school, yup, still alive and kicking, check!

We also need to do a check-up for people with pets, especially cats. The cats don't like their human to stick around in the house for too long! Now, because of Coronella, the cats went wild. So watch out folks, for the number of people that got hurt by their pets. I think these numbers are increasing. If you have pets from the Slivering nation, let's hope that they are in hibernation right now, the last thing you will want to deal with is snakes on the loose! Snakes and Coronella, double poison!

But let's take a trip around the globe and maybe we will have something to be grateful to Coronella.

For example, since Coronella hit the ground, in New Mexico (apparently the crime capital in USA), El Salvador, Honduras and Columbia, the rate of crimes went down. In some areas, local gangs have imposed curfew for the entire neighborhood to keep the rate of infection low. Let's go back to El Salvador, since the pandemic there were register only 65 homicides.

In Argentina the robberies dropped considerably. In mid-March, the rate dropped by 90 %, compared with 225 per day in the previous months.

Columbia reported 91 homicides between 20 and 25th of March 2020, compared with 206 during the same interval last year. The rate of assaults fell to 283 compared with 2046 from last year, also the robberies dropped from 5045 to 486 cases. Thank you, Coronella.

On the other hand, the cases of domestic violence are on the rise. In Argentina, the women that are abused and want help,  need to wear a red mask in the pharmacy: which is a code message for I need help, bring the cavalry, alias police.

In Brazil, because the flux of drugs stopped due to the fact that the borders are closed, the gangs started to attack banks and ATM's.

But as more people are laid off, I think the crime rate is going to increase, people will start to commit burglary, shoplifting, even murders; especially now when you can have a perfectly legal camouflage: the mask, gloves and the hoodie.

More over Police, in order to stop crowding the prisons, are not arresting people for petty crimes. So, thank you Coronella, you won again or maybe not?

Soon, we will see vigilantes coming out to defend their neighborhood. Maybe USA knows something that we don't! Just take a look at the rate they are buying guns. So yeah, I think you can get away with crime, during Coronella time, when the police are afraid to arrest people because of close contamination or because  the penitentiary are easy targets for Coronella.

Please folk, stay home and avoid an unpleasant encounter with a Coronella criminal.





 

Author Notes For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.
I decided to document how this virus is affecting my sanity. So feel free to join me in this experience, I hope the reading will become funnier, then what I posted so far. Thank you for reading and let's stay safe my friends.
Also you can take a look at these two articles:
Resources:

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/11/world/americas/coronavirus-murder-latin-america-crime.html
https://www.poynter.org/reporting-editing/2020/how-will-coronavirus-related-closures-and-quarantines-affect-crime-rates/


Chapter 25
Huggie Moggie

By Iza Deleanu

Day 24
April 7, 2020

More often I hear, oh, I am a hugger, yup I am one too! Since it is winter and minus 13, I will not hug any trees, dogs in the park or friends. This is past due. Before the trees were my comfort, but now, no park trips for me, just couch surfing.

Man, I can't stop hugging my kitties, they are so cute! Thank God for them. Hey as you see, I am practicing social distancing. So you can put me in your good books now.

How do I practice social distancing with my other half? With the husband I found a different way to keep us social distancing (no phones allowed on the dinner table, ha, ha, ha): Now, seriously I found a funny solution aka game: kissing his ... the back of his head instead of face or forehead and then sanitizing the spot. Ha, Ha, Ha love must go on! Also we can hug freely. Shtt! don't report us, our faces are not touching at all.

Since we are sitting in the house, and we just walk around the apartment we are kind on the heavier side. This is a good thing, because our respective bellies keeps us at safe distance, so no touchy touchy on the upper delicate sides of our bodies - I mean our faces and hands that might spread the freaking Coronella.

That thing with the social distancing is working again backwards. Before the pandemic, we were quite distancing, each of us sleeping in separate rooms. Since Coronella, we have changed the tactic. We want to be closer than ever, you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Nice, Miss Coronella, we are getting a second chance as a married couple. The only ones, that are suffering in this equation are probably the cats. They have too much of us! They are going nuts: either running in circles or hiding from us!

We are all now very religious, including the kitties. We are all watching the liturgy in different languages and we are praying for this pandemic to go away. I want to remember this time and to make fun of it. We will keep you in our prayers, and I am pretty sure this will end soon. Miss Coronella, you're dead, our God is stronger than you! Nighty, night!

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.


Chapter 26
Izoleta

By Iza Deleanu

Day 25
April 8, 2020
Every time a world pandemic happens, the Romanian are very inventive. Instead of buying special expensive equipment, and that is hard to get, for the safe transportation of the infected with Corona, they made their own.

Do you know how they call that special thing that they take people who are having Corona? Well sit down because this is funny: they called it izoleta or in French isolette? It's this coming from isolation? Check the picture is quite funny and makes sense. You are sitting by yourself in a box - aka self-isolating - that is carried by 4 "qualified people", how can you complain, when you are the king of the castle.

Izoleta is a 100% Romanian invention created by the scientists that are working for the Romanian army.

I am pretty sure, that after Coronella will disappear, the Romanian are going to baptize their kids: Corona or Coronela for a girl, Coronel for a boy, Izoleta or Izolel, Quarantina or Quarenten, Aplatizel (in romanian Flattening the Curve is a aplatiza curba) Distantel (distancing) etc.  These will be crazy names that will remind us about the terms used during the outbreak.

Did you know that Ebola it's actually a girl's name? In Eastern Europe, there is a superstitious that if you name your kid after a disease or something that you are afraid of, the kid will never be touched by that disease. So here you go: Salmonela, Antraxela, Crazy Cow, Pestilence, Apocalypse, Grozdanka (which literary means Ugly) etc.

How we will survive this outbreak? I think humour is the antidote: keep on laughing, this will help you maintain Mens sana in Corpore Sano ( healthy mind in a healthy body). Thanks God, Latin it' a dead language, and Coronella doesn't understand it. Otherwise, she will attack first our minds, our witty spirits and the rest will be history!

 

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think sounds funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.
Pardon me, today I am making fun of my native country, but this is the good fun, you should see what my compatriots are posting on Facebook, it's hilarious.


Chapter 27
Changes

By Iza Deleanu

Day 26
April 9, 2020


You know when the government gave the order to work from home, none of us was prepared. For example, the day that they sent me home, I started a strange journey in search for an office chair and some kind of desk.

I couldn't find a chair, so I had to order one on Amazon. I was shocked that I have to wait a month for it, the reason for the wait: non-essential for Coronella. I thought to myself, what if I don't need it by then? Can I still return it? Or I just keep it in case we will have a new pandemic in a few months? But I was lucky, it came in 3 days. Probably, because of the pandemic, Amazon got lots of orders for desk chairs. Hallelujah!

I do have an office, but my husband needs it, because he is teaching from home. You should hear him swearing before class, the damn college kids don't log in the class module, and he is working 5 hours for preparing one class.

I heard it is not easy to teach on-line. Whatever, my job is not easy either. You should see me trying to handle a conference call working  the same time on a spreadsheet that I am editing over skype  - in real time.

I swear, I am freaking pro now! I started to swear too. How can you keep your cool, when I am disconnected from the same conference and I am losing my mind, because none of my changes were saved? I asked IT to enable the auto save or recovery function. Guess what? They cannot do it, because of confidentiality bullshit!

So I was forced to train my visual memory, so I can restore some of the lost data. Since nobody remembers, I guess, we can all go with the flow and pretend we got the right information at the ... later time. Sttt, this is our little secret.

On the other hand the employer should be happy. I am using my own Internet connection and I am paying my phone bill. I know I should be grateful that I still have a job, so I am not complaining... I'm just saying.

I am happy that we all, my family in Canada and the one from Romania, we all have adapted to the new situation. My kitties finally understood, that mommy and daddy are working from home, so they start to carry their non-sense and silly behaviors in the bathroom. That room it's 100 % theirs.

Me and my husband, we are both grateful that we learnt new computer and social skills, but also that we finally have an idea what each of us is doing at work. So we got respect towards our jobs, and we even support each other technically speaking.

So, thank you Coronella, we learnt new things and we can market those skills after the pandemic for future jobs or other opportunities.

Even if in appearance, the world stopped, I think the world is still functioning in the background or underground.The humans are getting closer to a solution. So we are back, baby! Coronella, prepare for extinction!

 

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think sounds funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.


Chapter 28
Strange things

By Iza Deleanu

Day 27
April 10, 2020

What's up with the world today? Since Coronella escaped China, everybody has become a virtual fitness and dance instructor. I guess I could become one too... I could be a very sexy sea lion dancer. I'm not kidding, you should see my curves.

Since I am glued to this chair more than 10 hours a day, go figure!
I start, every morning at 6.30 am, in Canada, and I leave straight for bed around midnight. Who says that is awesome to work from home? I slave more from home: work and do the chores in the time. Feed this, wash that! Write this, answer that! What's up brother? Midnight here, but morning somewhere else!

I work and listen to the holy services transmitted live from all over the world. This week is the Orthodox Easter, and I think I don't deserve it. This year, in Coronella time, I kept lent just for the last 3 weeks from the 40 days mandatory, I swear a lot, and I got in kamikaze mode at least 3 times a day. Thank you, Coronella, you can take the blame for this one too, right?

For example, today, I went kamikaze and swearing mode in the same time. My boss asked me to call her. So I call her. And praise the Lord, she  complained that during my conference calls, she can hear a voice in the background. I said nothing, and start to think: the kitties are meowing, but usually around 10 am they are napping. I am going in full denial that usually is just me in the room!

Suddenly I hear a voice, and it was not the voice of reason, but the voice of my husband. He is teaching on-line classes to his students from the engineering program. He doesn't hear very well with his left ear, and is trying to compensate for that by loud speaking. Even if he teaches from home, he is stuck in the teaching mode, as in the real classroom, and it never occurred to him, that he is not in class so he doesn't have to shout when he is teaching... on-line.

Even if we are in different rooms, you can still hear him. I apologized to my Boss, and said that unfortunately, I didn't have money to buy a huge house before Coronella hit us. For now, I am stuck in a two bedroom apartment and I am working from my living room. My Boss then had a brilliant idea: she asked me to tell him to move the class when I have the conference calls.

Immediately my face falls in an imaginary pool of water. I am doing the fish stanza, opening and closing my mouth with no sound. In the background  my mind it's racing 100 killometers per hour and prays for a witty answer.

Boss, as you know my conference calls doesn't occur on the same day and time. We organize those meetings when the client is available. On the other hand, Coronella or not, his schedule is fixed, the class occurs every week at the same time. I can't tell him to move stuff short notice, because the kids might have a different class to attend.

She paused for a second, and finally says: O.K., but I am giving you heads up, if the Manager hears about this...

I am praying in the background: shut up, don't say anything to make it worse. And here she goes: the crazy Romanian in defensive mode. I am so sorry boss, but I can't control this. What about the people that are stuck with their kids in one bedroom apartments. Is there fault that is not very quiet in the house? I have asked him to speak in a normal tone, but after 10 minutes he forgets and goes back in full blast. If the Manager says something, I will tell him the same thing. Thank you so much for the heads up.

Boss tells me that she needs to take another call, the Manager is on the other line. Thank you, Jesus! Saved by another phone call.

I can close my eyes and hear the love of my life in the background. I know exactly when he is taking a break or tries to be witty with the students when he asks them: "Do you follow? Are you with me?" I am answering from my improvised office: "Unfortunately, yes."

I heard that Coronella is going to give us a break for the summer. I am going to propose to my husband to buy a house, so I can be prepared for the next outbreak when I have to work from home. In this way, happy wife, happy life, and screw you, Coronella.


 

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.


Chapter 29
Return on investment

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.

Day 28
April 11, 2020

Since Coronella decided to go and expand globally, we have seen a rise in deaths all over the world. Slowly her investment paid off. First rule cash off the "old dividends" for safe measure. She took a toll on the oldies but goldies. The order from the Batman commandment was clear: "take them all, no prisoners!" And she did!

But some oldies were stronger than her will, and they thought back and cured themselves. Can you go against God? I guess no matter how powerful your investments are, there are still things out there that you can't control: such as the will to live! These oldies lived through both world wars; they rebuild the economies of their countries so many times after each recession...


Coronella decided to invest in a younger population, which will be artificially cooked for nine months. Coronella put on locked down the entire planet, and if there it's a couple under the same roof, sooner or later they will conceive a new life. The kids that are going to be born this year are already baptized as the Quarantines. My only concern is, are these babies going to be healthy enough? Their moms have not benefit of the same medical attention as their brothers and sisters, and the luck of sun and fresh air, might make them, for example, sensitive to light and fresh air. Just imagine, the Quarantines babies allergic to all the fresh stuff, but crazy about the frozen and fake stuff.


Coronella went rogue and she decided to make her own investment outside the radar of the Batman cave. If her initial order was: kill the oldies and the ones with severe health problems, she got bored of following orders so shr started her own experiment. Coronella desired to play the role of Madame Death. And she started to pick randomly: here a 12-year child, there a 20 year old teenager, a 40, then a 60 she start taking even babies. This game of hers just turned upside down the entire scientific world. Now they are scrambling for an explanation, because these new investments are not sick or damaged, these were healthy subjects.


First time they started this experiment, they highly invested in an unknown, until then, province from China. They left Coronella loose in a wet market. I wonder if they had reached the same impact on a dry market?

So after the bats and snakes, Coronella felt like testing some sushi, so she jumped to Japan. From there she felt like diversifying her culinary buds: so she jump to Italy for pizza and pasta, to Spain for paella, than in France for some pot-au-feu, then she transferred on the fast train to Germany for a quick bite of Sauerbraten.

North America was ignoring the signs and thought will be safe like in that story, if I pretend I don't see you, you will leave me alone. She got tired of asking for a Visa, and jumped in New York and with that step Coronella arrived in North America. In between the investments in the States, she took a quick trip to their neighbor Canada for a quick bite of poutine and Angus beef.


Coronella is not afraid of getting fat. She got a taste of a good life on the expenses of our humanity. She is turning nation against nation, by locking down the supply chains, the banks, and also the political regimes. Nations instead of helping each others, are blaming each others. Who cares who got it first? Why not follow Sweden example, which instead of shutting down their economy, and put their people in the fake safety of their home; they left them to be themselves.


The problem is that we are failing to see: staying inside is not killing the virus. The moment we go out Coronella is going to jump on us: " Hey, new customers!"

We need to create our own investments and returns. We need to create a treatment and also to get ourselves some strong antibodies so we can fight the Coronella with her own wits, to beat her on her own game. She is too fat and too content of her investment. Now it's time to react and dissolve the Bat supremacy and their representative, Miss Coronella. It's time to get our own return on investment.

Author Notes Please read with cautions, it meant to be a silly story, if you feel offended, stop reading immediately. It might contain scenes that are not suitable for people who have lost their sense of humor


Chapter 30
Essential versus non-essential

By Iza Deleanu

Day 29
April 12, 2020
 
Once in our young lives, we were all asked that fatidic question: What do you want to be when you grow up? Before, the answer was: Spiderman, Batman, Cinderella, Super Girl etc. Nowadays, because of Coronella, our kids wants to be Essential Workers.

For once they are picking something real, which exists outside the Marvellous and Disney World.

We are hearing everyday how much these real heroes are doing for us, fighting heads on with Coronella, when we all are forced to stay inside. I don’t know, how these workers are treated in your country, but in Canada some of those essential workers are paid the minimum wage, and I am talking specifically about all those people from the groceries stores.

Look around you and see who is actually working there right now? I don’t know about your stores, but in mine, those kids have reached their dream – they are now essential workers. 90% of the people who are working in the service industry now: grocery stores, pet stores, convenient stories, restaurants etc., are kids, no more than 16 years old.

If Coronella wasn’t present, probably most of those kids will not have a job. Coronella send the old people home, and brought up the new generation that is trying to put a dollar aside for their later education.

So please, everybody right now, hats off for the younger generation, for our heroes that stepped in to support us by making sure we have food on our tables and other necessary supplies to fight Coronella.

Another category of the people who become essential is the truck drivers. They are our heroes fighting every day the harsh conditions and transporting all the necessary supplied for us to stay safe home. You know how badly they are treated now days? The gas station doesn’t let them use the washrooms, the restaurant are closed, so there are no meals for them.

In Alberta, our prime gave a governmental order, so the truck drivers can use the washrooms when they need too and also the local association are waiting for them with food and water. Thank you, essential workers, one warm salute from the non-essential workers that volunteer for this job.

We have doctors and nurses that are fighting every day the spread of Coronella, they have not sign up for this, but they are staying and fighting it. Essential workers, are all the people that are going to work every day, and continue with business as usual.


The ones that we are currently in our homes, we might be now non-essential, but once Coronella is killed, our jobs and skills will be useful to restart the economy.

For the humanity to survive, in front of God, we are all essential, and in front of the civil society, we are all essential workers. Even if Coronella divided us, once this pandemic is gone, we all will become one: workers that will rebuild our lives and economies together. Be prepared, Coronella, we are coming to get you!

 

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.


Chapter 31
Self-isolation

By Iza Deleanu

Day 30
April 15, 2020

It's been a month since we got the order to work from home self-isolating from our colleagues and friends. Our isolation camps are small 1 maximum 3 bedroom apartments. Our colony, that is what I am calling my building, is having 500 apartments. The number of announcements with stay inside your apartment and self-reporting or deporting for the sake of ty neighbor, if you think you got Coronella , it's overwhelming!

My friend, who lives in downtown, went overboard. She has in front of the entrance door a towel with Cloroxella to keep Coronella away, and also she covered the vents. She heard or read somewhere that Coronella it's travelling faster via pipes, vents, in one word Gone with the Wind, in Loco town.


The advantage in living in Eastern Europe is that you know your neighbours and even from distance they check on you. I've been living in Canada in the same building, for 11 years and I have no clue who lives next door. People here mind their own business, no cup of sugar for you! They are for the most of the time invisible. Why is that? People here are constantly moving. Every weekend you see people moving in or moving out!

Last year, I finally found out who lives above me on the fourth floor and this courtesy to the fact that we were riding the same bus to work and that we have the same custom: we love to read. Now he and his wife are expecting their first child, which will be born next month. Self-isolation must be a bitch! There are so many unanswered questions about the conditions of the delivery, because of the Coronella. I pray for a safe and healthy delivery and we agreed to contact each other if something happens or if they need anything. Have I mentioned why we have instantly clicked? Well, we are all newcomers. I noticed that it's easy to become friends with this segment of the population. Nobody judges you here.

People in my colony developed a real triathlon scenery inside our hallways walls. You can meet at any hour of the day or night somebody walking on the ghostly corridors. If you go at noon, that is the worst traffic jam. You know for sure, these are the people working from home. Probably we all have the same lunch break time between 12 and 1 p.m.

We have a real segregation based on age. 10 a.m. is the walking hour for the old people aka retirees. Now, between 11.30 and 1 p.m., meet the working class. After 4 p.m., starts the witch hour: the kiddies are running lose in the hole way, or they are running in front of the building, so you need to use other entrances to get inside the building, since the main one is compromised.

Before you go out of your unit, you must have strategies. If you want out of the colony you are choosing the shortest way to any of the entrances. If you want to walk inside the camp, you can start at any level as long as you abandon the walking mission in retreat, when you hear somebody coming.

I don't know about you, but since I am in self-isolation my level of crazy went overboard. I have no patience with my family, but also with my coworkers too. I am getting mad from small things. When I feel like a lose control, I blow the steam off by walking the holy hallway. Then I come back and read a prayer and search for the bright part of the self-isolation... we are in this together now...

Man I feel so selfish, now! I just want a spot of my own! My bedroom, bathroom, living room, is invaded by my kitties. They are the owners of the entire unit. They can go everywhere at any time of the day and night. I have restriction to certain areas during certain times. I am not allowed between 7 am and 4 pm, in the so called office, aka virtual classroom. This is our second bedroom from where my husband transmits his on-line classes. That's his Head Quarter.

My HQ, aka living room/kitchen is under attack all the time. Even if I scream that nobody is allowed there between 6.30 am and 4 pm, nobody gives a damn. My husband has at least 100 trips per day to the almighty fridge. And I am parked with my laptop 30 centimeters from the fridge. Where the heck is the social distancing here?

The kitties are the mighty occupiers. If I stand up to stretch my legs, they both jump on my chair, or walk on top of my laptop, or knock out my mouse and keyboard from my improvised desk, aka eating table. I hope, somebody exterminates this vermin Coronella, so I can literally breathe again and gladly social distance myself from my family and my home. I need some Me time, and I need it badly!

God please forgive me, for wishing not so well to, our invisible neighbor Coronella. Until we meet again, stay healthy my friend, and don't go "nachos" on your loved ones.

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, and Cloroxella instead of Chlorine I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.


Chapter 32
Survival

By Iza Deleanu

April 16, 2020
Day 31

Looking back...I wake up, on the 1st of March in panic mode. It hit us! She's here, and I am not prepared. Since it started in Asia, I am in total denial. It will not come to Canada, so I run for a week in Cuba, enjoying the sun and the water. I am grateful for this escapade. Who knows? It might be the last one for years to come.

When I returned to Canada, I heard it went to Cuba courtesy a la Italiano. That was in February. It's the 1st of March, 2020, and it's snowing again. In Romania, they are preparing for Spring; here, we wish for a Merry Christmas. In Edmonton, it's been snowing since September, I am not sure that we will get any summer this year. But we will see.

Everyday, less and less people, are showing for work. People around me are disappearing.  They are going into self-isolation. I am still going to work, thinking that is a joke. Suddenly I remember, The Walking Dead... this is how it started!

Finally, my boss gives in and lets me work from home.
The government is requesting us to stay inside. Not a fun arrangement, but I am happy; at least I have a place to park. And if I stay inside, I should be just fine.

After a week I give in and start searching, like everybody else, for essential: toilet paper, masks, disinfectant... Man! I am too late for all of the above.

A guy from work heard from the grapevine about my lack of success in acquiring those products and calls me:

- Do you still need hand sanitizer?

- Yes I do, why?

- I know a guy who stashed all the designer's one, the one that keeps your hands fluffy. But it's 50 CAD a 30 ml bottle.

- Curious, I am tentatively trying... what the heck 50 CAD for 30 ml? That's a lot!
Then I am looking at my hands and making a calculation: panic will make me wash my hands non-stop, so when I am going to use that expensive hand sanitizer? I mentally measure the bottle and finally give my verdict: Nein !

- You want nine? Wow, you must be desperate!

- No, man, no, I don't want any! I can make my own with less money. I am purchasing from Amazon Aloe Vera Gel, then I am purchasing alcohol and some essential oils. I am good to go for at least a month!

The guy tries to convince me that what he offers it's a good investment!

- Listen, matre, I can get the ingredients on Amazon, so thank you, but no, thank you!

I start surfing on Amazon; they have some stuff, but China? No, I don't want to wait for two months and get some fake products from there. Pardon my racism, but we did receive in Canada some defective products for the hospitals, from mother China, this is why I am going loco. I am buying local and support the local economy. So I am buying only Aloe Vera...

As usual, in time of crisis, the network kicks in. My Romanian friend, who lives in Edmonton, gives me a couple of websites from Canada and I find everything that I need. I never thought that I am going to spend 500 CAD on non-essential before and vitals now. I ordered surgical masks, gloves, disinfectant, and alcohol to make my hand sanitizer.

Let me tell you something about the masks. They had green, blue, pink and black. Hell no! I am not wearing black! The last thing I want to hear is: nice burka or how are you ninja? So I went for... pink, I know color doesn't matter, but since we are all masked I wanted for people to know that I am a girl. So I chose a pack of pink masks and pink gloves. I wanted to bring some color in those grey grocery stores. They finally come... blue. Is this making me a boy now?

For the first time in history, people around the globe don't give a damn about their daily looks. They care more about toilet paper, disinfectant, gloves and masks. Really people, masks?

We all wear the same last week designer PJ, and our hair style it's jungle style or rasta style. What communism couldn't achieve... well leave it to Coronella, she sent us home. Our buildings are our concentration camps... Dare to go out: you may get a very expensive fine, a bullet or a holy beating. Exact like in Communist times!

It's been 24 days since Coronella come into town! After 24 days, I am talking to myself and fighting with the cats, I am walking with my husband ... on a leash, and pretending to take out the trash at least 4 times a day. Yup, the trash is my exotic trip and I make sure to drag my feet so I can enjoy this solo escapade.

Thank you Coronella for the finest time of izolela with my lovely enemies. Old news: South Korea just got a second wave! Is this shit forever? Please give me some Cloroxella to kill the Coronella once and for all!


 

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, Cloroxella instead of Chlorine and izolela instead of isolation, I think sounds funnier:)

For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.


Chapter 33
Scavenger Hunt

By Iza Deleanu

April 17, 2020
Day 32

When people were forced to change their routines because of the pandemic, they started again to notice things around them. When Coronella was in the lab for her beauty sleep, people were staying in their houses and playing video games. That was the norm.

The seasons were coming and going without notice. For example, many times, in the middle of the winter, I saw people dressed as for summer. Let me assure you, that they were not homeless, but my neighbors ...maybe too much Maria Juanita or video gaming to death. My conclusion is: video games can keep you stuck in time, immune to reality.

Since Coronella graced us with her visit, the same people started to get out from the caves. Now you can see a new wave of appreciation towards nature and the next of kin. Have you noticed that people now days are walking in pairs or even the entire family, of course if you have the whole clan with you, it's advisable to spread out, so you don't infringe the 2 meter rule instituted by the local government.

Occasionally, you may see single digits like me, accompanied by their shadow. My husband is like Batman, he likes to walk after 10 pm. I like to walk during the day. I feel like a bee searching for flowers and sun. I don't care about my cellphone; all I want is to pile up all the fresh air that I can get and to enjoy  as many as possible  rays of sun.

So during one of these walks, I noticed the garbage bags in one of the streets from my neighborhood. I guess tomorrow is garbage day. I live in a condo, so I have the liberty to have that special day every time I want. Since I have the kitties, it's every day. Apparently if you live in a house, the garbage is picked once a week... just imagine the smell. Maybe this is one of the reasons that I don't own a house.

It's 8 pm and on both sides of the street you can see nicely piled up garbage bags - trash and recycle. By now, you know I am a curious cat, so I decided to do a scavenger hunt.

My first stop it's a nicely  pile of black bags; I count 20. This can't be house waste. I am checking the yard, yup super clean. Now I know what those bags contain: dead leaves and whatever they cut from the garden.

My curiosity doesn't stop here. Let's take a look at the recycle section. At my condo, most of the time you can see lots of pieces of furniture. For example, today, somebody left in front of the recycle bin, a pink lamp, quite chic, but this is not the place to keep it. In the housing section people are eating lots of ice-cream, chocolate, coffee pods, tea... My conclusion: because Coronella, people from the houses are overindulging in the culinary section.

My people, from the condo, are spending more on Amazon stuff, electronics, furniture, appliances and video games. Why am I saying this? Hm, I am working from home so I am seeing Amazon packages left in front of the apartment doors. Purolator, USP, DHL and Canada Post are parading twice a day in front of my building. To tell you the truth, I have not seen any Amazon boxes in the recycles from the houses. I saw a couple of houses with nothing to offer! There is no garbage whatsover. I hope they are not ... you know Coronella... I decided to put them in the section, essential workers. Maybe they will take the garbage out early in the morning before the city workers picks it up.

Now that I'm done with the garbage inventory, I decided to do a check for pets... and not in my building where they are illegal. Wow, almost every house has a cat sunbathing in the window. Some even have a few cats and a dog sharing the same window. For me, it's Paradise, so many cats, mmm, a real feast for my eyes.

Humanity it's still saved, if we still care for pets, there is still hope. I heard from my friend who has an animal shelter, that since Coronella hit us, there are no pets in the shelter. There is actually a waiting list for adoption. People are literarlly waiting for new-born kitties to reach the adoption age. This is crazy!

You see Madame Coronella, no matter what tricks you play on us, we will fight back, we and our fur babies. They are the ones that keep our sanity in check.

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think sounds funnier:) Maria Huanita is Marijuana.
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.


Chapter 34
Tree Hugger

By Iza Deleanu

April 18, 2020
Day 33

After Coronella started to travel around the globe, most countries put their citizens in forced locked down in their own homes or in special places, that they called quarantine areas.

I am living in Alberta, and our provincial government relaxed a little bit the rules of confinement and the walking policy. Last week they sent us a pamphlet in which we were adviced, for mental health, to walk at least 20 minutes a day.

Did you know, that a study performed by the University of Calgary, declared Edmonton as being on the 89th place for people that are walking daily. This study is based on data from Apple, I bet if they were consulting also, the smart section we will be on first place. Yeah, I am the proud owner of a Smart Samsung phone, and I am not payed for advertisement, damn it!

If we take a look at Belgium, the government advised the population to eat only twice a week... potatoes and to start walking it out. Like really, potatoes? French fries, mais oui!

Well for once, I am done fasting so I am staying away from the carb section. Bring me some meat and let the Keto fiesta beging!

O. K. let's go back to the walking advisement: since I am a true Canadian, from time to time, I executed myself right away in that direction. I am walking at least 10 minutes during my lunch break, and at least another 20 in the afternoon or evening. O.K., don't judge me, they gave me a minimum, but not maximum so theoretically as long as I keep the distance from other people, I can walk as long as I want!

No worries, we have supervised freedom. I see every 5 min a Police car patrolling the area. At first, I didn't understand why, but then I realized they were keeping an eye at the park across the street, and making sure that people were maintaining  physical distance and also that  they were not using the barbecue area, since there it's a fire ban on that.

I have a confession to make: I am afraid of fire, more than Coronella. Five years ago, we had a bad fire in Fort McMurray that burned the city down and killed lots of hectares of forest and lost many wild animals. Now, that poor city, has the worst flooding ever. People are evacuated again. What can you do? Run from Coronella or the flood?

So, yeah, I am more afraid of fire, than Ms. Coronella, because you can fight her with some ventilators or an exorcist, but with the fire, there is no way you can win.

It's noon; happy I am rushing out the door to cruise my neighborhood with my small steps. I dash out to take a pick at the neighborhood gardens and my lovely kitties. You know, in Canada is tradition, once Victoria Day hits, this is year is 18th of May, everybody rushes to plant anything they can get their hands on in their precious gardens. Victoria Day, in Canada, it's the official day when spring starts.

In Alberta, all the places that are selling plants, trees and flowers, are considered essential for our mental health, so they are open for business.

I think this is a very clever way to fight Coronella, when you are gardening; you have no time for something else.

Sorry, I got distracted again. Let's go back to my impromptu walk. My neighborhood it's awesome and was blessed with lots of back alleys that you can walk in peace with nobody disturbing you. This is how I found my small oasis of pine trees.

Since officially I am not allowed to hug anybody, because of the physical distancing, I started to eye a tree in that small oasis; yup, in Alberta, this is how we call what other are wrongly advertise as Social distancing! Our Prime, got it right!

Today I finally want to hug my tree of choice, a beautiful majestic pine. I occasionally, do hug trees. It's part of my getting close to nature and recharging battery, strategy.

So, today is finally the day. I am staying in front of my friend and the question of the day pops up in my head: "To disinfect or not?" Quickly in my mind a horrible image is coming to life and I wonder, how many dogs used him as a peeing target in the past years? And again I talked myself out of it: "Don't be ridiculous, they can't aim so high!" Should I take a chance? Coronella is lurking in the background and reminds me of my husband. Yup, he will kill me if he founds out, that I sneak out from his stash a bottle of his precious disinfectant. He does keep a tight inventory on this hot merchandise.

You see we didn't stock on Toilet paper, but on disinfectant and hand sanitizer.
Let's go back to my tree adventure. I finally decided: I am going to disinfect my hands and hug my beloved pine tree. I don't want to pass any Coronella to him. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the silence. I left the warm of his embrace to extract my sadness and despair. I stayed like that for a few minutes until my phone alarm reminded me that it's time to go back to work.

Folks, you should try it: tree hugging is so comforting, and don't forget to disinfect after....


 

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think sounds funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.


Chapter 35
Life slipping through thefingers

By Iza Deleanu

April 19, 2020
Day 34

I never understood why Coronella chose like terrain of destruction the long term care homes or nursing homes. What kind of sick joke is this? Did one of the bigwigs complained that he there's no spot to park his old and sick dad that will leave him a fortune?

I know that there has always been a waiting list for this kind of "happy "activities, but to kill to make space? This is too much! This is so Nazi! Like kill the weak, keep the tall, healthy, two meters high with blue eyes... and white?

Do you think that Coronella got a map with all the nursing homes from the world and also the houses that had an old parent in the house like in Italy and Spain?

In Canada from the 1000 deaths, 743 have comie from these facilities, the long-term care ones, coincidence, really?

20 % from Great Britain are coming from the same area. The saddest part is that in some country the nursing homes had no nurse on duty, and the residents were never tested the residents until it was too late.

Just imagine how low the moral is there and how hard and scary is to go to work in this environment. Yup, I think Coronella did pretty good.

My question is: who is gaining from all of this? And why in Romania, you can't bury your dear ones, if you don't sign a paper that the deceased died from Coronella, even when it's not the case?

Looking at your old parents do you feel like life is slipping through your fingers? How can you protect them? You start to think like a crazy person: if you did your flu vaccine, are you more likely to get it? I know I am paranoid, and my mind runs to the 5 G theory. I have not had a flu shot since I came to Canada; am I a target or I am safe?

Theoretically and medically nobody can beat Coronella, life and death it's a miracle, but the ones who are saved are saved for a reason and God knows better. I know, I sound like an idiot, but the ones that are leaving us, have a different and more noble mission. They are going to be our guardian Angels.

Life is trickling between Coronella's fingers, exactly like time. How long we will hide inside?

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think sounds funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.


Chapter 36
The art of staying in line

By Iza Deleanu

April 20, 2020
Day 35

Today I am going to talk about a new, that's become the norm, phenomenon during the Coronella time: the game of staying in line aligned to do your grocery shopping, electronic and even clothing. For the western world, this is new, for me this trick it's old! I got 44 years of experience in this line of business.

In communism time, because of the scarcity of finding certain products such as: meat, bread, milk, yogurt, exotic fruits, we had to use coupons that allowed us to get some daily and monthly ratios. Those coupons were functioning as a train ticket, you got your stuff they cut the day from that piece of paper. Yup, it got that days and month on it. So, you got one for the entire year with how many people in the family, address etc. If you lost it, you went hungry because there was no replacement until the next year. You want to experience this first hand, just take a trip to Cuba and visit their grocery stores...

We were a family of four, so we got the right to buy two breads (daily); once a month we got 1 kg of sugar and 1 liter of oil. For the dairy products, I remember as a child, the lines from 3 am to catch some milk, cheese or yogurt. The limit was of 4 yogurts, 2 bottles of milk and 1 kg of cheese. Those were in theory available everyday, but if you were not among the first ones in the queue you could've said good bye to these nutritious products.

You were there 3 am waiting for the products to arrive at 5 am. The way it worked was: move your bottles and jars (for yogurts) brother. You leave your bag with the bottles and jars inside, in the queue, and when the car arrived the dance of the bottles began.

I can't complain, my parents were leaving us to those lines and we as good kids were buying and bringing those products at home, and then prepared to go to school. A work shift for my mom was starting at 4 am so she needed our help for this endeavour. She was hauling us to the store every morning. We were lucky, because we were living relatively close to those stores, so we were never late at school.

The exotic fruits such as grapefruit, bananas, limes, oranges and tangerines, were at the time as, the hand sanitizers, masks and the toilet paper in Coronella time, hot commodities. We got all the other non-exotic fruits, that were growing in Romania available in their respective seasons.

The exotic ones, we had them once a year at Christmas, and for them you had to wait like 3 days in a row to get them. Then, the same way as now, there where people in key points that had access to those products, and a real exchange was happening, in the background, on the black market. Meat for bread, oranges for sugar etc.

My father was working in the chemical industry, we were lucky, he could give some substances that were used to make home soap for food. You could live very well if you had somebody in the food industry, or very poor if you didn't. Again, I was lucky, my dad was our family hero, we didn't miss a thing as kids.

Since Coronella hit Canada, at the beginning I was amused seeing that I must wait in line to get inside the store. Then my smile disappeared when I saw the sign for certain food items with the sign only 2 items per person. See you can get around and get more if you go out from the store and come back. If you really want to control this, just take a quick trip to a communist country and print some coupons per family. I guess this will be a real chance to get a real feel of the socialism: we are all equal: so 2 items per person it's right and it must go with a coupon/ card that you got them.

Let's take a step back and judge: Coronella started in a communist country: people are used to obey the government and no problem with the lock down. It moved to the western world and here hit the disaster point: human rights! I have the right to gather, the right to practice my religion, access to food and water supply etc.

Coronella said: I will teach you guys a lesson in how to restrain yourself and your governments how to be authoritarian and force you to follow the rules and screw your human and civil rights. You wanna jog? Do it in your own damn living room: the new sport is called jogging on the spot! Teach your dog to do the cat thing and so on!

Thank you Coronella, I really appreciate the reminder from where I come. I am a proud and trained survivalist and have no problem to navigating your stupidity!

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think sounds funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes


Chapter 37
Measure for Treasure

By Iza Deleanu

April 21, 2020
Day 36

What have I learnt in Coronella time? We know that there will be another one. Now they can declare Coronella a successful experiment. They have the solution to clean our numbers. The next one will clear more spots on Planet Earth, and this is how you get rid of Pollution.

So, yeah ,for the future pandemic, you need for sure a house with a bunker, where you can shove all your dear ones that are in self-isolation. It's a must to have two offices that are sound proof and that have the capacity to seal the room when you are in a conference. In my case, it must be husband and cat-proof. This is not a bonus, but a necessity. Another must is an autonomous server with the best Internet Connection and State of Art computer system.

It's required to have handy a list with different suppliers for hygienic products and food, as well as a daycare for cats, if my bunker is not cat-proof. They must accept the husband too. The house must have a swimming pool: after an exhausting meeting, I need to get back my joie de vivre with a quick swim.

I will need a huge dose of: "I don't care, and Me First" in this way I will avoid that useless therapy session with:" you hurt my feelings!" I hate those session: you talk, you find the solution and the guy across the couch gets the money, honey for pretending to listen. Mommy, I know what I want to be when I grow up, I want to be a psychologist. I am very good at pretending and giving advice. I think the champion in this area is my husband. Ladies, let's do a rain check, watch how many times, your husband says yes without thinking...

One month before the next pandemic hits, I propose a huge vacation sale, so people can rush and have fun and then ... die in peace! Between two sneezes, when you are in self-isolation, you can open the memory channel and travel back to that magnificent trip you just had a month ago. In my case three months ago. I still feel the breeze from the rain forest or the crystal clear smile of the Caribbean Sea from Cuba. Please forgive me, I know it's not fair...

I am adding this requirement to the pandemic bill: that the global Lawyers are going to demand as compensation from China. It's pay back time, bitch! I am not a racist, oh, well, now I might be. For the past year, all the crappy flues (aviary, swine, SARS, Coronella, etc) came from China. So, yeah, this is not a coincidence they must pay or go in self-isolation forever to stop the virus from spreading all over the globe. The lawyers are also going to require the immediate closure of all travels facilities from China to the rest of the world: no more fake tourism here.

We do have a lot of that in Canada. People say that they are coming over here to study... English! Why not in England, the mother of English language? Study, my foot! They come and bring all types of diseases. Here comes Coronella for you, Canada welcomes you, but we in Alberta? We welcome you with a gun. Oh, wait, The Prime took that right away, so I guess we go back to the old tool, our faith. We will beat Coronella with faith or fen-shui...



 

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think sounds funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes


Chapter 38
You took her

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Day 37
April 26, 2020

- You took her, you crazy bitch!

- No, I have not! She was old... it was her time to go!

- Who are you to decide that? Are you God?

- Yes, I am! I am Coronella, the new God in town! I take who I please, and do what I want!

- I have disinfectant! I am going to freaking bleach you right here and right now!

- And I have infected sneezes and corrupted hands and tests. So, if I want, I can take you, too!

- Yeah? Come and get me, mother fucking Chinese bitch!

- Yeah, all you can do is swear! By the way, I am not Chinese anymore; I am fucking UNIVERSAL and I've come to reinstall THE ORDER. I am taking care of the weak and the sick.

- You are? You are a fucked up liar. You took innocent babies and healthy teenagers.

-Yeah I did, but it was just an experiment. I wanted to see, if my voodoo works on them, too.

- What the heck are you saying?

- I have evolved. When I ran away from the lab, I was designed to take only the useless ones! But I got tired of the oldies, they were no threat: one sneezy and they were falling like flies. I wanted to have some fun; I wanted to have some fight. I start attacking the healthy and full of life, too. In every country I went to, I attacked different segments of the population, and also I learnt and copy paste their habits. It was so easy to infiltrate everywhere, even in their precious locked down homes.

- God is not sleeping; He is seeing you and your accomplices. You are going to get it really bad!

- I am not scared of your God. He knows my address, and he can phone me anytime.

- This is blaspheme!

- I know, you are going to say Anathema mother fucker Chinese!

- No, I am going to say that you will burn in hell pretty soon, Coronella or not! I will never forgive you! You took her!

- Why don't you understand she was old, she wanted to be with her husband. I have nothing to do with this!

- You took my grandmother by not allowing me to travel back home and pay my respects.

- Yeah, sure pin  it on me! It's not my fault, that your hometown doesn't perform on-line services.

- I don't need the on-line circus; I wanted to spend the night with her, to say my proper goodbye. Because of you, she spent the night alone in the chapel by the cemetery; because of you, no family member was allowed to stay with her after 8 pm. She died at 6 am. this morning, and tomorrow is her funeral and only 10 people can accompany her on her last rites! Just for my information, are you going to play this trick every year?

- Yup, that's my schedule. You don't know when I am coming... you will just feel my feverish breeze in your neck... that is how you will I have come!

- 'Dear Scoromonella, you don't scare us anymore. If we ignore you, life will go back to normal. The countries are opening up their borders and economy. This cocoon has reached maturity, and this butterfly is ready to fly. Sayonara! saying that I sprinkle some holy water on my body. Coronella jumped me, thinking that I am an easy prey, but she is out of luck She burst in fire. Happy I screamed: This is better than any disinfectant and it's 100% Coronella proof. Good bye, bitch! Don't come again, we are ready for you! We have millions of churches, for every life you took we built an sanctuary! You can't stand against, God!

 

Author Notes Scormonella comes from the Romanian verb a scormoni, which means to dig out to drill to fan to fish out to grout to poke to rake to ransack to rummage to scan to scrutinize to stir to trim and to grub. My grandmother passed away this morning at 6 a.m. I am stuck in Canada and I can't travel to participate to her last rites. I blame all of this on Coronella, because no flights are allowed on the Romanian airports from North America.


Chapter 39
I Lost it!

By Iza Deleanu

Day 38
April 23, 2020

Today I lost it! I can't stand this No Go out Policy. Whoever came up with this idea, must have been an introvert. I guess for these types of guys it's business as usual. Moreover, the people who used to work from home alone, now probably are wishing to work from an office outside the house. Oh, man they closed the Starbuck, so no office space there. The libraries are closed too.

For the working from home class, this working from home is not a dream job anymore; they are prisoners of their own families. You should hear their prayers: "Dear God, please take this Coronella away, and help me take these kids to school and send my wife to work. I need to hear my thoughts. If this goes longer, I swear I am going to lose it. I already drink more than the usual and smoke like a broken chimney. I freaking lost it!"

I heard about the cabin fever and I thought that I will never get to meet it in person.But here she is: I got it! I wish to be somewhere in the middle of the forest in a cabin close to a lake. I wish to watch some ducks playing in the water...and I don't mind a bear or a couple of cubs too. Ha, Ha, Ha anything, but not my no name reality. On the other hand I shouldn't complain, there are people that are wishing to be locked and... alive!

Oh, wait; this is not the cabin fever they were talking about. Well, whatever! Who cares, this is my own interpretation of this concept. I know I lost it! After all it's my fever, so I can spend it as I like it. I don't see myself losing it on somebody else, and starting to shoot people for sport or from boredom. That is not my style!

I love my family, but I am fed up seeing the same faces every second. I can recite their schedule with my eyes closed. Kitties: wake up at 5 am, feeding them; chase them to give their medicine for their teeth. Time to start work; I am opening my computer at 6.30 am. I leave something from our Intranet page to play in the background, so I can arrange my battle field or the so called working from home improvisation of a desk - office. Sorry I am not cheating or maybe just a little. Consider this to be my morning coffee break.

6.45 a.m. husband walks in my office, aka kitchen. I am in his way to the food store, le fridge. Please, believe me; I am not in his way by choice, of course. This is my office right now. Whoever was the architect of this apartment has not thought about making the space bigger between the appliances, the island aka table, and the door to the other bedroom. How are you supposed to go through a lock down with these living arrangements?

Starting with this year, the architects will be forced, when they design an apartment, to have a secret space where you can escape future pandemic. I heard with 2020, the World organization is instituting a pandemic at least once a year. They say this will be the norm!

Let's go back to the 6.45- aha I lost it, moment. Every morning the same thing: "Where is the coffee, or where is my breakfast? Have you seen my glasses? Did you feed the kittens?"

So, I finally lost it! Before he started asking me the same question I jump in:
"Breakfast? Check MacDonald's, they have a Drive Through option! Ah, your glasses? Try your nose! Kitties? They are sleeping aka got their bottles! And get out from my office, right now! Don't you know that I am officially at work! If, you forgot I work 6.30 to 4, and, not 9 to 5. Please, no more bulldozing my working place. Keep left! Don't talk to me! Pretend I am not here!"

He started to say something: "But..."

"No, butttsssssssssss! I am not in the mood for that!"

Yup, I lost it! What was I doing last year on this day? Oh, yeah, I was making plans for my return home. I was counting the days until my trip back to Romania to see my family and my dad, who lost it too? He died last October ... without saying goodbye. In a way it was better that way, now for sure he will be one of the Coronella's victims. He had cancer, and if I think the way he died, looked a lot like Coronella one on one. His lungs filled with liquid... sounds familiar?

What I am doing this year? Well I'm supposed to go and see my mom in July, but who knows if Coronella will allow it! So what I am doing today? I don't know! Lately every day is the same. Can you believe that I had to ask my Boss, what day is today? Monday to Sunday, it's a perpetual Sunday with Monday working tasks.

I lost it! I feel like going out and screaming:" Coronella vieni qua! Let's fight this over! What do you want from me? You are so freaking unclear! I look around and I don't know who got you and who not! I bet you can't get me! I am too crazy for your liking!"

I am afraid that I am going to go cuckoo, like that guy from Nova Scotia, or maybe not. I hate guns; my weapons are the ...tears. And right now I am crying every day. I am worried sick about my family in Romania. My family here is ok, they are used to me going nachos on them. But now is more than my usual... I just lost it!

I want to be by myself. I choose a spot in my mind, an island, preferably deserted. I am there with my kitties that are fishing for me. For once I will be the Master, and they the servents. My dream is to sit on the shore and enjoying without restriction the sun and the waves of my beloved sea. My problem is not social distancing; my actual problem is not going out in the sun or whatever rain, snow the nature throws at me.

Here she goes! My Boss is calling me! Man, I hate these conference calls, the reception is poor, and you say something and they hear something different! This is the worst time to have an accent! And then you have the horrible Internet connection. What do you think? We have 500 apartments in one huge building.

Everybody is using the same provider. So I lost it, I mean I lost the connection and the notes that I was taking for my team. Instead of screaming, I just send a message to my Boss, that I am working to restore my connection, Internet connection, of course! I can't tell her that I lost it, and that I went outside for a walk.

Coronella or not, I am done! I don't want to hurt my family, so here I come: "Coronella are you ready for me? Let's fight it out! I brought you a present especially from Heaven. Here you go have some blessed water!"

I am closing my eyes and imagine her reaction. She is sizzling. I am mocking her:" Well, I think you have a fever. How do you feel to die from your own poison?"

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes


Chapter 40
The second responders

By Iza Deleanu

April 24, 2020
Day 39

We hear in the media this frenzy about the first responders, how great they are. We call them heroes. Their response to this worship is: we don't have PPE, BOOT, SCR, MAS, PPS, GLV, etc. Don't you know what that abbreviation means? It's O.K., I got you, because some of those abbreviations I made them up. My story, my terms!

PPE, aka Personal Protective Equipment, duh, we knew that. BOOT aka special medical boots that the first responders needs when they work in a contaminated section. SCR, aka unique medical scrubs or hazmat suit that protects the nurses and doctors that are working with Coronei. MAS, aka masks disposable and non-disposable that can be wear also by the second responders. PPS, aka Personal Protective Screen for the grocery workers and finally GLV or gloves, used by everybody who wants to be fancy and feel protected.

Recent studies are saying that they don't protect you against Coronella, and this goes to the rest of the above. I guess you are safe, only if you have been born under a Lucky Star or got the mark of Cain, the ones that are watching the Shadow Hunters saga, know what I am talking about it.

Who are the first responders? The first ones are infected Coronei; because of them, the rest of the responders exists; nurses, doctors, ambulance drivers, truckers, grocery workers, firefighters, fake newsmakers, and authentic ones. Please, if I forgot someone, please accept my apologies and my deepest thanks.

We live in an ungrateful world. Nobody gives praises to the second hand responders: God, Priests, Funeral personnel, mothers, fathers, children, and pets. The second responders are on lock-down. They are using improvised PPE, MSK, and GLV when they go scavenger hunting, aka fishing for essentials in the grocery stores for their families.

They don't complain. They are doing whatever is in their power to keep their families fed and save. These are the brave moms and dads that are working full time now. This unique bunch is working the required hours from home in improvised offices aka kitchen tables and 100 years old computers, zooming in a meeting and sshh-ing in the background to the babbly toddler that decided to take the morning stroll straight in the middle of your conference call. These second responders are magicians in disguise, always multitasking, and at the same time, doing the job of other people. They are now teachers, priests, outstanding Chefs, great entertainers, and ration handlers. Hurray for these extraordinary responders. Thank you, moms, dads, and kids, you are the united front against Coronella.

Nowadays,  pets are the second responders. They are always on the scene, giving you an excuse to break the lock-down for doggies business. Thank you to the cats that are inventing funny games and makes us laugh or purr our worries away. Thank you, puppies, for being there for us and showing us your joy and appreciation for every day we live.

The funeral personnel is part of the complaining group: they cry that they run out of garbage bags, ups sorry the special "bio-durable and safe bags where the Coronei" are sealed and ...burned.

God doesn't need PPE, He healed the leper. Priests are doing their best to keep the flock together with masks or without, of course, depending on the country. They are the unknown heroes in the Western world, but the ray of light in the Eastern world. They bought PPE and ventilators for the first responders, and work in the hospitals to bring hope to the dying. They feed the sick and the needy, and they are taking care of the orphans and older people; they are praying day and night for us.

Thank you, second responders, unknown heroes that are keeping this world going on. They are the ones that treat every day as it is and have no time for conspiracy theories. They are praying that we get a cure, and everybody is safe in their lock-down cage.

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think sounds funnier:) Coronei are the people who are infected with Coronella.
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.


Chapter 41
The Travel syndrome

By Iza Deleanu

April 25, 2020
Day 40

Locked inside I am binging on all the world travel documentaries that I can get my hands on. Lucky me, before they sent the librarians home, I borrowed ten dvd's with Rick Steves travels. I am watching them and taking notes about my future destinations. My husband owes me a Costa Rica and a Fantasy Island trip in Honduras. These two are on my bucket list. I am kind of tired of Mexico; we've been there three times. It's true we went to different parts of Mexico, but I want to see other countries.

I would like to travel to Hawaii, but based on the last news, right now there the tourism went down 98 %. I think what's happening right now is the dumbest thing in the world. We have lots of time on our hands and we are wasting it dreaming... I am a girl of action, but now, my tricks don't work! There is no plane ready to take me away. Thanks Coronella, mon francais est excellent maintenant.

TV5 is my best travel guide: I can hear the sound of the ocean, see the waves and if I close my eyes I can pretend that I smell the water and even swimming. I am grateful to my parents and God for giving me such a vivid imagination.

Coronella is the only one who can travel whenever she wants. She went around the world, but she didn't appreciate it. She left behind her a trail of deaths and pain. She crushed the economies, the confidence and the freedom. She was the last one to get out of the global plane. Immediately after that, no plane was allowed to fly.

I bought my plane ticket last October for my annual trip to Romania. I was supposed to fly of July 13, 2020, hopefully. Tell me Coronella, would you allow me to go and see my mom? What documents you want me to bring so I can fly? Do I need clearance from China and visa worry free from you, Miss Coronella? Should I bribe you to gain free passage?
Is there a vaccine to combat the travel syndrome? I will die because I can't travel. It will be so funny  to die from this syndrome and not from Coronella.





 

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes.
I decided to document how this virus is affecting my sanity. So feel free to join me in this experience, I hope the reading will become funnier, then what I posted so far. Thank you for reading and let's stay safe my friends.


Chapter 42
Little Mushrooms

By Iza Deleanu

April 26, 2020
Day 41

Since the Coronella hit us, I don’t know how you feel, but working from home sucks. I think our bosses, if they could, would put an ankle monitor on us and implant cameras all over the house to see where you are every second.

For example, my little Hitler came up with a system of checking in and checking out by e-mail. The old communist way of punching the clock. For example, I start at 6.30 am at 6.29, I must send an e-mail that I have started the working day. If I was to cheat I will sign in at 6.30 and catch a little sleep until 8.30 am when the Boss starts, but I do have work ethic and this little invasive method makes me start my day with anger.

 I hate when these little and stupid mushrooms don’t admit that they have nothing better to do than to monitor your movement on the map. They always use this cheap excuse so and so is not working and is on Facebook all the time. Well if you know that is a habit for that person when they are at work, of course, at home they will do the same. Not my problem.

But why the hell are you punishing me? You know that I hate micromanagement. If you want to be smart about it, there are other ways to check if somebody is working: just open the assigned tasks and see where that person is. But this will require some detective skills and patience, which you don’t have.

Your method will not give you what you need, because people lie all the time in their reporting, and they maybe doing 1% from what they are proclaiming.

Seriously Ms. Hitler, we already know that you are 90% on Facebook looking at what your people are posting. Oh, wait you are monitoring to see who is there. Now, I got it! Silly me! If you want to monitor me, search me on Fan Story, where I do spend my lunch break and my coffee break. At least, I am doing something productive: improving my communication skills.

Instead of calling me every five minutes, you better check your Inbox. I sent you like ten items that need your approval because you want me to follow the chain of command. Every time I follow this rule, my work falls behind. Why? Because that pipe is rusty and people in charge need one month to get back to you… with a supplementary question that is already answered in the report. But to read, you need patience, so yeah, you stupid employee, give me the Reader's Digest of your e-mail and stop bothering me, I am busy!

Oh, no, here she comes again. Where are you?

I am in the washroom.

What are you doing there?

Well let me see, I just had a pee session and now I am washing my hands really good, and then apply some sanitizer to keep Coronella away.

Well I was trying to talk to you over Skype, and you were not there.

Next time when I need to use the bathroom I am sending her a message: Boss I am going to the washroom.

Her answer: You don’t need to tell me that.

Now, my dear reader, you feel me, to tell or what the Hell?

Why all these Hitlers work on short-term memory supply? I should talk to IT to give them a boost, a small memory upgrade, some extra RAM, or whatever the term is for this thing.

Oh, and another thing: every time we have a Skype meeting, and I am sharing a document, the same micro mushroom cries in the background: I can’t see, it’s too small! I am telling her: Boss, you need to fit the document in the window, drag the margins and it will become bigger.

Next day, same complaints! Lord have mercy! This Coronella is going to be the end of me. My patience is running out of steam, and there is no offer on Amazon or China for that.
 

 

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes


Chapter 43
Now you see me, now you don't

By Iza Deleanu

April 27, 2020
Day 42 (in my saga)

Today was Day 20 of lock-down and here I was, wondering why the heck I should stay inside, when there is nobody outside? I could just go for a long stroll, all by myself. Man, this is so creepy! Have anyone seen this virus? Does any one knows if it is a woman, a child, a man or a pet?

The invisible virus was mocking me: I am a plant, come and touch me.

I am a metatarian, so I can touch plants! I guess I am safe for now.

You think so? We will see about that!


The fresh nature was continuing its existence undisturbed. With every step I was more confident, that this virus doesn't exist and it's all a scary story to ruin our lives and hit our egos in the most precious myth: freedom! This is worse than communism. At least there you were locked inside your country, but had the liberty to go everywhere, anytime.

I think this is the beginning of the end. That is how everything starts: first they lock you in, and let you starve, and thereafter at the end 666, take the tag and go! In this case, take the vaccination and become a programmable zombie and commit the 5G genocide war. No, you see me, now you don't - kaput!
Come and get me, I don't want to be your tool of destruction! I prefer to go on my own terms. It's Day 20 and I am bored to death! Weed, anyone?

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes


Chapter 44
Mr. Phil, pay the bill

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

April 28, 2020
Day 43

One positive thing that I was seeing coming out from this Coronella business was putting aside some money for Black Days, not Black Fridays. My idea backfired, because I don't spend money on transportation, clothing, restaurants, movies, concerts, trips and ballet, but my account has not improved on the side of liquidities. Can you believe it, that I have not paid my debt off... but increased it!

Coronella is a smart Lady, she said: "YOU sucker, you can't travel anymore, so I am coming to see you! Hey, don't give me that face, I am coming bearing gifts: chaos, lay-offs, debt, shortage of food, shortage of cleaning products, guns, panic, and on top of everything else, I am keeping a fresh and continuous winter. I like it cold! If you run out of toilet paper, you can't run outside to use leaves for that dirty business, like they do it in the hot countries."

My dear friend, do you know why I am spending more than before? Well the food prices went up and you are fighting for some of them with your fellow hunters. I witness, how a woman tried to hunt on the spot, aka steal a toilet paper bag from a guy's shopping cart that turned to pick up something from the upper shelf. What was the reaction of the other hunters? Mostly laughed and said that you need to keep your cargo in front of your eyes the whole time. You know what is the funniest part? Nobody gives a shit about the expiration dates anymore. Food is food, expired or not.

Coronella doesn't touch spoiled humans, she goes only to the clean ones. So yeah, expired food helps you fight Coronella. Add this to your list of remedies against Coronella. What do we have so far:

- Drink bleach... it helps, if you have to go, then you go clean.

- Wear a mask Zorro style... so your neighbour can't blame when you pass along some Coronella from him. Incognito is better. We live in Canada, so your identity is protected, mother f---er!

- China is not the enemy... We gave them the "virus" and they gave us defected PPE for which we paid an arm and leg. I will open a parenthesis here, I ordered some essentials on Amazon at the beginning of March. It's almost the end of April and nothing so far. I am just thinking maybe they will arrive just in time for the second wave?

- Get high, yup sure, but its expensive. This is one of the essential businesses that are flourishing now.

- Get Drunk! O.K., and the next day you are having a pity party with yourself: " Hey, fellas drinking is baaaaaaaaaaaad, we've ruined our working suit, the fluffy PJ."

- Has any one tried Vodoo? Does it work?

- So far, I think the Holy Water really works. I am drinking a little bit every morning, and I am good, praise the Lord.

Let's get back to Phil who pays the bill. Since Coronella, Phil zombed out. All he says is "Bills, bills, I want bills!" Don't trust that deferred candy, you will pay triple when you go back in business.

Even if we survive Coronella, there will be lots of suicide attempts, because people are already breaking bad from binge spending on cleaning and protective materials. And if you are handy like me, you know what I am talking about. Every where you go your only question is: "How much? Ok I will take 4 of each."

My poor Phil gained lots of weight and lost lots of hair. Whenever I am showing up in my unisex PJ and do the kitty face: the only thing he says is: "How much?" Even in his sleep he mumbles: "What? How much? Nooooooooooo, oh, O.K, if it's for the kitties, fine."

So yeah, Phill, pay the Bill and we'll deal with Coronella's deficit later, or we call it quits and declare:" FALIMENT... How much? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes. The picture is from Pintrest. I used the term zombed out = to look like a zombie. I have no idea how is correct in English, sorry:(


Chapter 45
Life in a concentration camp

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

April 29, 2020
Day 44

Today I feel like all this global non-sense is just a tool to make us feel unsafe, weak and pessimistic. I feel like I've been locked in a concentration camp. They don't need real guards to keep us inside the confinement the global hysteria is taking care of that for free.

People are turning on each other, just like in good old communist time, when you were arrested based on whispers. We have only one universal security guard, and her gun is a virus. Our guard is Coronella. She keeps us in and scared. She is the unknown furious Leader. Nobody has seen her, but there are rumours... She is everywhere.

"Really?"
"Yup!" In front of me, my mind continues to play this macabre scenario... "The ones who met her are dead, and then there are the survivals who don't remember much. Pardon my French, but I think there is a quota for the infected. I can see these crazy scientists running their statistics without taking in account human lives. They just want to impress the one who pays for that research. I can hear them crunching numbers like real accountants and talking among themselves:

"We need two hundred to die in this province this month, and we also need to raise the number of the infected to 1000! Come on people, keep it up we need to increase our numbers if we want to be on the top 5. Aaa, look at the Beaver Country, the mother fuckers are low, let's put some 5G over there, because they kind of had it easy, these polite sons of ..."

" Lou, what about China? Those batmen's are ok, their government wants them dead, they are too many, and numbers means insubordination. Fear means control, so the president wants more Coronella released to shuffle the lines!"

"What about Italy?"

"Oi, Manuel! Italy was a manipulation from the European Union. They said that those oldies are draining the system, and wanted a solution to cut some living costs. Manu, don't give me that look, I know what you think! I am not cruel, deep down you know I am right, don't you?"

"Yup, it makes sense now, Vive le Coronelle who keeps us employed. Now is about Moi first!"

I can feel Coronella laughing in the background : "You are next! Nobody is safe, if I say so! Oh, enjoy your fake supremacy, soon I will get you too!"

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes. The The Beaver Country is Canada, and Canadians are famous for their politeness. Thank you for reading.


Chapter 46
This geek is chic

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Oh, brother, I am writing this story because I know many of you are going through the same struggles I have with working from home. I am not a geek, but in this case, I had to become one. When the offer to work from home comes across the organization at the end of March, nobody asked us if we were prepared for that transition. The Management presumed that everybody lives and breathes technology every step of the way. My inventory for this challenge: two laptops, one from 2010, and the other one from 2013.

Surprisingly the older one was the one chosen for this job. The 2013 fellow missed the updates window. My husband was supposed to take it to his work for repairs, but the IT Team, which was supposed to take care of business, was laid off unexpectedly. Now, the 2013 laptop was not working properly. The oldie worked O.K. for the entire month of April, but when May came, he had a nervous breakdown and refused to give me clarity and support as before.

My 2010 friend refused to do one more task for work, and in protest, it's showed me the same dumb picture plastered all over my work application. Funny, this image came up only in the remote section.

I went to see IT, of course. Because of Coronella, they had to schedule an official appointment with a special escort and disinfectant from the first step I took into the building and until I was out of the door: I am not complaining, at least they tried...

But here I heard for the first time this bullshit: "We can't do anything because this device is personal." I got sooooo mad! So it's ok to use it for work, but it's my business when it comes to repairs. "Hello?! My sweet baby got wrecked because I used it for business, right?" Then they excused themselves under the Privacy Act.

"Really? Do you think I'm buying this? Let's not forget that I am using this so-called Act every day. Give me a waiver to sign, and then you have no excuse". The bottom line, they couldn't help me! Their solution: "go and buy a new one!"

Thank you so much, like it's my fault that I am working from home. They told me that all the smart people grabbed laptops in the first week of Covid. "What the heck are you implying? Am I an idiot because I didn't grab one? Hello! I was not allowed to grab anything because I am very low in the chain of command. In fact, I am the one that receives the commands!"

Finally, one of my colleagues remembered that he has an extra company laptop that I can borrow until Coronella goes away.

Thanks, bro, you saved me! So I took the laptop, but surprise, I can't do shit because I am missing the remote connection. I am trying to install it myself, but it's not working because only the administrator has the power to install programs on this tool. I followed the provided instructions step by step, and surprise, they were freaking outdated! No matter what I was doing, I couldn't go past the download phase, which did not allow me to get even an inch close to the remote affair.

I cried again on my co-worker's shoulder, and finally, using the Team Viewer, he was able to install that damned remote connection on this laptop.

Now I have a tool to use, but my other problem is that I will lose my eyesight! I can't change the fonts, so I am writing ....blind. Lord, have mercy on my mistakes! You guess why I can't change a thing, right? I have no administrator privileges, fucking racist. Thank God it gave me this brilliant idea to zoom in the freaking text. So if you see my text at 200, you know why. This geek is chic, a little bleak, and not oblique, Halleluja...


Chapter 47
Say what?

By Iza Deleanu

May 1st, 2020
Day 46


- Listen up kitty. Coronella, infected more than 3.2 million people around the world. Say what? Hey, kitty, look what the Italian minister of Transportation is saying: "Keep social distancing in the public transportation of at least one meter between each person."
Mmm, just imagine a two meter bus with two people inside. The driver and the passenger, what a soap opera!

- Meow, Meow!

- Yup, baby you are right. They've got to drop out of using the public transport up to 85%. Just imagine the dilemma, do you want to queue in the middle of the street waiting for the bus, or just stay inside your house?

- Meow, Meow!

- You are right! House it is. You know, if I have to walk from work everyday, I will be just in time for bed. They want you to be green, but they forget to put in the sidewalks. And you know what is the worst part? Once May hits the town, the official construction season jumps in at full speed, so you need to watch in what you are stepping...

- Meow, Meow!

- Yes, you are right! You know what? Thanks to Cornella, yesterday I finally did it! I walked home for the first time. I did enjoy the walk, and I can say that I saw the city with different eyes. I actually like Edmonton; it's a pretty and green city. Thank God that, after so much snow, it's finally May and Spring is here. Coronella or not, life goes on, and we must be grateful for what we have.

- Meow, Meow!

-Yup, that's right kitty. Oh, wait, you are just hungry, you don't care about my small talk: so English of you.

Author Notes In Romanian when you are asking somebody how do they feel, they have a whole story to tell. In the English speaking countries, if somebody ask you - how you are - you should say just fine and move on, because nobody cares anyway.


Chapter 48
Skype me Out!

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

2nd May 2020
Day 47

Working from home, working alone! Since March 27, 2020, that was my Mantra until now! I am not working alone, and I have virtual reality to supports me, duh! Today I am on the whinnying end of Coronella stick.

I have a super Star Trek state-of-the-art office: two plastic folding tables from Walmart. I am not cheap; I just don't have proper space for a new desk. Remember, itsy-bitsy tiny apartment overpopulated with kitties and Husband.

Ergo-no-mic chair? Yup, you can say that one more time. I am just eco-no-mic, the bastards bought everything that I needed to work from home and that I could've tried to live in the storeso I had to try my chair on-line. My chair came from The Universal State of Amazon via China, yikes!

I got a huge chair that is too big for my "ass-et"! so yeah, I traded this expensive chair for a cheaper one that allowed me to park at ground level. With the other one, I felt like sitting on the top of a tree. Man, the improvised desk was so far away. Oh, don't dream of refund me now. I just swipe my expensive international chair with the Chinese version that my husband got from Wall-Martie:) chap!

Technologically challenged? Nope. Not me! What do you guys use for communication? I use the old pal SKYPEEE. But my company doesn't allow calls support, so we are using the chat me feature and the share me desktop wonder. So if you add a remote desktop that kicks out in the middle of a conference call and makes you lose your info because was no blink-blink save me now option, I am doing f....ing great. My company doesn't allow automatic back up! Security something? Really!

Have I started to drink due to this inconvenience? Hell... yes! One beer before the meeting to warm me up, and one after, to cool me down!

Have I told you that I am also taking online classes? Me, who said that on-line school is ANATHEMA! Watch me, now how I ZOOM in, from my phone, because my computer is crapenstein and doesn't support me... audio! Oh, and I become a Pro in GoToMeMeeting, used by my church community. Oh, and let's not forget the youtube option for streaming live church services.

Thank you, Coronella, the Dinosaur, aka Moia, got upgraded, so SKYPE ME OUT!


 

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes. I have misspelled some words intentionally for the comic effect.


Chapter 49
Jump!

By Iza Deleanu

3rd of May, 2020
Day 49

Oh, my God! We need to be two meters apart on the street. This works of course, if you walk in the same direction in a single file, but what do you do if you have people coming from the opposite side?

"You jump!"

"What? Who is that?"

"It's me, your Shadow. I couldn't let you go by yourself."

"Two meters?"

"Nah, not between us. We are family, remember?"

"OK, let's walk then. Today is a beautiful day and I really need some fresh air ... before the weather becomes cold again."

I was happy and walking in the sun with no care in the world. I almost forgot about Coronella. Suddenly, my nightmare comes to life. From the opposite side another man was walking towards me and there was another one approaching from my right side. I looked at the street: I couldn't walk there, Coronella or not, there was still traffic. We all stopped in our tracks, each of us calculating the options. The one from the right decided to jump in the street and run on the other side of the road. The other one did what my Shadow predicted, he jumped in the tree. I was the lady in the story, so graciously I incline my head to both men and did an old fashion aristocratic curtsy and smiling I said:

"Thank you!"

Both men answered in the same time.

"No problem! Have a nice day and stay safe."

Do you see Coronella, even in these harsh days people are still acting like people? Thank God we have not lost our humanity.


 

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes. I have misspelled some words intentionally for the comic effect


Chapter 50
In search of Heaven

By Iza Deleanu

4th of May, 2020
Day 50

I finally found it! Ladies and Gentlemen allow me to introduce you to my piece of heaven. I am like a squirrel. I am trying to get my nuts for the winter, aka my natural reserve of vitamin D. I know we are in isolation and we supposed to stay inside, but I am in Canada, so as long as I am practicing safe distancing, I can run outside from time to time. So after walking in circles for days, I finally found an unclaimed sunny spot and decided to enjoy my piece of happy and quiet, outside Coronella's madness.

Finally a thick layer of green velvet is covering the ground. Have you ever done a Snow Angel ... in the grass? MMM it's so awesome, and the smell of the grass is so inviting! Lying on my back and letting the sun caress my face, this it's a real blessing.

Now, at last I can think clear. I miss my family and I really miss my Dad. Probably if he was still around we will have a good laugh about the Coronella hysteria. A thought keeps coming back to me: what if I will never be able to go back home? What if this border closure will become a permanent concept?

"Oh, man, can I ever be happy with what I have? Nope! Rule number one: happiness is for fools, smart people jump to the next worrying game. How long can you stay in that state of bliss and dolce far niente? I glance at my watch: yup, less than one minute! Quite impressive! Now, look at me how I am ignoring the sun, and jumping on my favor thing, the negative thinking, the doubt... I am so tired of locking myself in doubt and ignoring that God gave us happiness. Yup, if my faith will be just like the smallest grain of sand... No! I can't have that. I will see my mom and sister. God knows how much I need this! I start praying: "Our father..."

Then my good Angel whispered: "Don't you worry, trust God, and everything will be fine."

Yes, this is my piece of heaven. Coronella I am back, guess who is going to have a heart attack? Yup, it's you! You got it right!

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes. I have misspelled some words intentionally for the comic effect


Chapter 51
The Oracle

By Iza Deleanu

5th of May, 2020
Day 51

51 days after the Coronella outbreak.What happened in the world? Austria opened shops, and no new outbreak, Italy has not seen any new cases with Coronella, Spain got new cases among the medics who are dealing with the pandemic, Face masks should be wear on International flights. Canada has now over 4000 death due the Coronella, and yup if you get sick you can't see a doctor.

I got sick. I got fever, sore throat and I am super dizzy and I am going to the washroom every 5 minutes for number one. I called my family doctor's office. Surprise, the doctor doesn't do face to face consultations. The admin assistant takes notes about your symptoms over the phone, and then you are added to the list to receive a phone call back from the doctor. I feel like seeing the Oracle from Delphi; answer the riddle and you might talk to the Doctor.

Finally the Doctor called me. And after he looked into his magic ball and prescribes me a treatment. I refuse to take the prescription, first I want to do some tests just to confirm the diagnosis. I am trying to book an appointment on-line, but the stupid booking system is down. I try to call the Lab, but nobody answers. I decided to take my chances and see if I can get my test done without an appointment.

Lucky me I could go right away to the Lab, of course respecting the safety measures, mask, disinfectant, gloves and the wash your hand magic receipt.
I like it better now. My Oracle sent already the requisition to the Lab, so they took me right away. I did the prescribed test and went home.

Next day, the Oracle called me with the news: You have bladder infection; I have prescribed an antibiotic and send it to the nearest pharmacy to your house. Yup, we are still working from home, and we are allowed just to do short trips to the grocery stores and walks to keep our sanity. I asked the Oracle, what do I need to do now, He advised me to wait for the pharmacy to call me.

Later on the day, the pharmacy called me to go and pick up my antibiotic. Wow, they are working at full speed. The pharmacy is in business, no kidding. Since all the family doctors are Oracles and prescribing stuff by ear, I wonder how many are miss-medicated? I am getting my antibiotic and start my treatment right away.

Today during the meeting I lost my voice and start coughing like crazy. My Boss asked me to get tested for Coronella and to see my doctor. I took her advice and went on-line to book a test. The site is so crazy, you do the self-assessment and they ask you to call 911. Finally, I gave up and call my friend who did it in February, after she came back from Cuba. She told me to call 811. See it was one number down. I called and they answered after ten minutes. They asked me the same questions as in the questioner, and said that I need to get tested just to be on the safe side. I manage to get a test for the next day. In the meantime I call my Boss and she asks me to inform the nurse from work about my symptoms and what steps do I need to take to be safe. At work they put me in self-isolation pay. In the meantime, I feel very sleepy and I see no improvement from the prescribed treatment.

My test is coming back negative, so I breathe again. My symptoms are still there, but this is because my infection and a slight crazy reaction to the medicine. After seven days, no improvement. I call the Oracle again, and he prescribes me a different antibiotic. I follow the same pharmacy procedure. I finally start my new medicine, I feel it's stronger than the one before and I can see improvement right away: no more dizziness, sleepiness, sore throat or coughing.

Hallelujah! After trial and error, I am infection free, thanks to the Oracle. I think because of Coronella, in the medical schools they are going to introduce a special course in how to do practice medicine as a family doctor during an pandemic. I will call it the Oracle treatment.

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes


Chapter 52
Terms and Definitions

By Iza Deleanu

6th of May, 2020
Day 52

Fun facts: who said that if you are under lockdown, you can't enjoy life as we knew it? In South Africa the sales of pineapples increased from 10,000 a day to 100 000. No worries, the increase in demand is not because pregnant women have a craving for it, but because the men are using this fruit to prepare a homemade brew that has an alcoholic kick. So, cheers Coronella. I wonder if they order on-line and do a drive thru the plantation? Hm, they didn't say. What do you think?

I know for a fact that in Canada the beer Corona is offered almost free... and nobody buys it!

We are all monkeys when it comes to Coronella. Oh, no wait, better said parrots. We are repeating automatically what we hear in the media, using terms that we have no clue what it means. We play like Pro with terms such as Covid-19, flatten the curve, lockdown, pandemic, self-isolation, social distancing, virus?

You are going to laugh hard when you are going to hear my explanation towards the official ones that I got from BBC.

Covid-19, vid in Romanian means empty so having something empty was my explanation. I know, I am such an idiot, but if you think about the effects of Coronella, you are kind of empty of all fluids when you go. Here is the official not so fun explanation:" Covid-19 - the disease caused by the coronavirus first detected in Wuhan, China, in late 2019. It primarily affects the lungs." Way to go China, now this province is finally on the map. Hurry up and create a touristic destination, a thematic park, because after this pandemic is over, people from around the globe would like to make fun of it at..Home, where it started.

Flatten the curve. Yup, Miss Coronella, I know, I must take care of my curves, since I am home they are over flowing. Official term: "Health experts use a line on a chart to show numbers of new coronavirus cases. If a lot of people get the virus in a short period of time, the line might rise sharply and look a bit like a mountain. However, taking measures to reduce infections can spread cases out over a longer period and means the "curve" is flatter. This makes it easier for health systems to cope. "

Lockdown, that one is easy being confined under the same roof with my hubby and kitties, that's a killer situation. Let's see what the media is saying about this: "Restrictions on movement or daily life, where public buildings are closed and people told to stay at home. Lockdowns have been imposed in several countries as part of drastic efforts to control the spread of the coronavirus."

Self-isolation, in my own interpretation benevolent confinement to a room, which is not going to happen, because I have only two rooms in total and we are all free-range creatures in this apartment. Now the academic explanation:" Staying inside and avoiding all contact with other people, with the aim of preventing the spread of a disease." If you ask me, this sounds like prison one-on-one; staying in one room under lock-down because I have done... NOTHING!

And my favorite: social distancing. How the heck you are to be social and keep the distance in the same time? Social means you are part of something bigger. I think the smart pants released the wrong terminology under pressure. Probably, Coronella, kept him hostage and instead of saying physical distancing screamed Social Distancing. Damn twitter and Facebook, we are social idiots. Now don't feel bad here is the millennial explanation:" Keeping away from other people, with the aim of slowing down transmission of a disease. The government advises not seeing friends or relatives other than those you live with, working from home where possible and avoiding public transport."

If you have some terms that you would like to share with the class, shoot them my way and I will add them to this impromptu F I C T I O N A R Y.

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think sounds funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes. Fictionary it intended to be my term for dictionary.


Chapter 53
Substitutes

By Iza Deleanu

7th of May, 2020
Day 53

Another day, maybe the same day since Coronella started and a new lesson to be learned: work with substitutes!

Thank God I have extensive training in this area from Romania. Well, you don't have bread? Not a problem, we can make some polenta to substitute that.

You want meat, but there is none, try some fake soy steaks, they are delicious. You see the vegan took this product from the communist era and transformed into the new substitute ingredient for any non-meat food. So today is the holy grail of the new vegan movement from North America.


Are you tired of being on lockdown, we have a parallel universe for you: the balcony, the deck, or if you are homeless THE STREET. Coronella will not attack you there...especially if you are howling.

Tired of your family? No problem, you can exchange places with your neighbor. I guarantee after spending an hour with their kids, you will find yours... angels.

Tired of working from home, take some time off to meditate. After that, you will find out that working from home, it's not so bad after all, at least you have a job.
Try talking to the ones that have no jobs, and you will count your blessings.

In this modern world, there is a substitute for anything. You want to kill Coronella, virtually of course; in China, they made a game for that. Here we are living in that game. Coronella is chasing and choosing from our crowd based on the hide-and-seek principle.

So far I manage to escape by substitution, I got the fake flu and she let me be.

My dear ones, please don't panic! Now we got a substitute for Coronella, drink some Corona beer and keep calm. This shall piss....soon!

 


Chapter 54
The sequel

By Iza Deleanu

8th of May,
Day 54


- Why are they calling you Covid-19? My mom calls you Coronella.

- Your mom is wise, my creator gave me this hideous name. I can't change it... I think I like Coronella better, it makes me feel "human".

- The name they gave you sounds like a wine line.

- Smart like your mother, it does sound like wine.

- Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you our newest and luxurious wine imported from China COVID-19, next we have an old line called SARS, and with some luck next year we will have a new line...

- Stop! Let me guess a hybrid line COVID-20.

- Yup, you got the idea.

- You just put my entire family of Coronei under a sequel.

- To tell you the truth I was just testing the waters. I was hoping you would deny it, and say there is no 20 after you....

- Sorry to disappoint kiddo, there will be more sisters and brothers after me, each of us with a "unique floral bouquet", just to be in tune with your wine analogy.

 

Author Notes I spelled the family name Coronei intentionally, a diminutive to show the power of those viruses from the same Corona family. Coronella is the nickname that I am using for Covid-19


Chapter 55
On Parole

By Iza Deleanu

9th of May,
Day 55


Man, this Coronella has it all:

It has drama -- look at the politicians faking sadness and empathy three times a day before meals, so they can make your digestion go smoothly.

We have the essential workers screaming for PPE.

Teachers trying to tame the hoard over ZOOM.

People out of work drinking and "weeding".

Tourism shut down completely.

Triple lock-down: your country, city and your house.

Increase in number in fake Nostradamus scaring us with the end of the world.

The rate of divorces has gone up, as well as the domestic abuse.

The "bacon" section on our bodies have exploded just like the pandemic.

We have a flooding of fake tests and testers on the market.

Governments investing millions in defective PPE and medication.

Pharmaceutical companies are fighting for grants promising the best new thing, in regards with a miraculous cure and vaccination.

Listen to the gurus: drink holy pee and stay healthy.

Coronella brought on social media fake advice and news. If my grandmother will be alive, she will be an expert too.

Now they want us to wear not a detecting device not on our ankle, but a bloody app on our "smarties" that will tell everybody in our vicinity when we are sick.

China came up with the next great thing: an app that is tracking every move and that lets the vigilante and the police know that you went rogue, because you need it to get out of the house and buy some groceries.

Coronella, you are so lucky because you have been born in a communist country. People in China are following blindly whatever the government impose. Good luck in getting the same obedience here. We don't even want to wear a mask, and you think you are going to get my benevolent consent to track my every move.

Screw you, I am not on PAROLE. I am lucky to live in a normal country, where the government is asking nicely for your cooperation (please wear a mask, please keep the social distance, even the messages on the buses starts with a please), and if you refuse they do nothing to reinforce it.

The scientists from the University of Alberta came up with a "smartie" too. My friend sends me their app, that apparently, let other people know that you are coming, so they or you, can clear the way, The app works for smart phones, so you, iPhone'Rs, are screwed. All I must do is sign up. But, I am going ...not too!

I refuse to give them the power to collect my private information and use it for blackmail. Let's say that I am a politician and I want to taste "uncharted territories" aka cheating on my wiffie, this will be a golden mine in the next campaign for the opposition.

So sorry, Officer Coronella, this kitty is not on Parole! So, Bye-Bye!

.

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think is sound funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes


Chapter 56
Manage a trois

By Iza Deleanu

10th. of May, 2020
Day 56

Lately we are leaving a manage a trois kind of life. Well folks, this is not what you are thinking, it is not that kind of affair. Coronella had made us rethink our strategies in regards with life and death matter. We can't enjoy a meal outside, so we are just having everything "inside": food, clothes, medicine, sports, movies, you name it.

She dedicates the terms and we silently execute. "Don't go out!" "Okay, mam, I will go in. Log on my computer find the app... and Skip the Dishes. It's too hot to cook anyway. So I better place the order of my favorite food, call the Uber and enjoy it. Cooking is for les paysan, the new "norm" is to order in. We have now such a high-life style. I do this ordering game, twice a month! I can't afford more, so I guess vive les paysan. I live in an apartment with over 500 flats.

I am lucky, not, that my balcony looks over the interior yard where the main entrance is placed. I can see at least ten times a day a car doing food delivery with the Skip the Dishes logo. UPS, Fedex, Canada Post and other cars doing Amazon deliveries. So you can see our manage a trois excuse of life: I am ordering, the website takes my money and voila somebody is delivering my order.

God forbidden, I am not complaining. As long as I have a job, my family, and faith, Coronella can kiss mon derrie, I am good and content. As long as I can walk outside, I will wear that damn mask, but I will not take that vaccine no matter what.

Author Notes I am using Coronella instead of Corona, I think it sounds funnier:)
For my readers and reviewers, please forgive me for my bad English, since is my third language, I am using this cheap excuse to ask for your help in correcting the grammar and the other mistakes


Chapter 57
Get Loose

By Iza Deleanu

I don't know about you, but I will have a huge problem adjusting to the normal way of dressing post Coronella.

Ladies let's face it, who is using a bra nowadays? Look at us! Everything is lose: our goodies are dangling in free style - don't worry, be happy!

Our hair it's in heaven when we administrating a holy combing. Make up, really? For what? If we go, they will lock us up in a black bag no name no game!

Let ' s talk business attire. Business my foot! We have some vintage PJ Marca Walmart, no socks, and yeah who cares my Skype meetings have no image, so I'm good.

Drinking on the job? Yes, please! How else I can repeat myself like a broken record for people that don't pay attention. I need my fancy pinacolada . Since Coronella, every hour is happy hour! Viva la isolation!

In conclusion get loose and choose to be happy as long as it last it...


Chapter 58
Curb your enthusiasm

By Iza Deleanu


Day number...since Coronella! Who cares? What I know for sure is the year: 2020 BSK (Before the Second Kingdom). Have you seen all those posters with Curb-delivery, Drive-Through and Skip the Dishes? Yup, they are plastered all over the city. What they don't say is that the only way you can get your order is if you have a car.

I went with my husband to buy some gloves and masks from a specialized store. He left me in the car and went in the store. Next to the Pharmacy was a McDonald's, that because of Coronella, was doing only Drive-Through Delivery. You see I don't drive, so as I was wondering if you get hungry and you have no car are you going to die of hunger?

As I was wondering and creating scenarios inside my head, I saw a homeless person trying to get into the McDonald 's facility. On the door was a huge poster in which they were apologizing, that because of Coronella, for the time being, they are doing only Skip the Dishes and Drive-Through. He tried to WALK-THROUGH and got nothing. "Sir, this is a DRIVE-THROUGH ONLY service". "But I am hungry!" "Try to order on-line." "I don't have a phone". "Sorry, Sir, I can't help you."

The smarties from the Government and the City Council, when they closed all the restaurants for the public, and made them only on-line delivery and Drive-Through, they never thought about the people who live in the streets and the onse who don't own a car. What are they supposed to do? Die of hunger. I guess the choice is now between catch a Coronella or a Hunger Game. So yeah, for the Curb Pick Up Service, we offer you Curb your enthusiasm offer. We do deliver to your car trunk, so open your mouth, hommie. Or maybe if two people get together they can look like a car, you know four wheels and get the service they need.

Author Notes Let's make fun of Ms. Coronella, and move on:)


Chapter 59
Weight me down

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Weight me down, yeah, you wish! I have sent in Exile my unfaithful scale. Yes, Sir, I did! She never loved me. Every time I consulted her majesty, you know like: "Scale, scales on the floor tell me kindly what I've scored?"

The answer was: "Another kilo hitting the wall. Same shit, new day! You lost your mind, girl, but nothing on the kilo aka pounds department!" Today she gives me the murderous look from my husband bathroom, where I sent her in self-isolation.

But, not today Scalie, today I am giving you the Coronella excuse. Gyms are closed, pools are closed, walking limited to certain hours, usually after work hours, when you are too tired to move and plus you have to prepare dinner, wash dishes and so on! So no consultation, you are fired!

This year the new weight in fashion is: the Cornella fluff! Oh, shut up! You, skinny Panini! Blame it on Coronella the only food you can get right now is F R O Z E N! Sitting home doesn't help at all! I am binging on ice...cream. Usually, right about now, I will scream: "OH, my God, I look like free Willy! " But not this year! Since Coronella, I learnt to appreciate Me more, and this year this free Willy it's so cute! The entire family is the proud owner of a "fab blubber", including the kitties. They got it easy: sleep and eat and...!

I am craving for something fresh. Mmm, let me look on the on-line store catalogue. What do we have under fruits? Frozen mangos, blueberries! Hallelujah for these delicacies, there are people  in this world that would wish to have something frozen every day to eat.

Coronella just gave work to lots of freaks, aka experts in losing weight. I am tired of all those postings on social media about my blessed floating tummy. Do this and do that! Man, people are posting the weirdest things as the bullet proof method of losing it... I mean the fatty cover. Can I go to the beach right now? Nope! Can you bleach the water before swimming? Oh, wait! Why the heck did they closed the swimming pools? The amount of bleach that is floating in there can kill the most stubborn mother fucker, Coronella!

Let's go back to the fabulous fat. I think the only one who cares about you, my dear Scale, is my husband. Yeah, the old bastard weights or should I say scales himself every morning. Then, unhappy with the results, is giving me the lame excuse: "We should start dieting and exercising more!"

"We? No, thanks I am good!"

I told him: "Bro, stop preaching and lead by example. Maybe you should cut down on your hours of sleep and do some work around the house. I understand that you are officially in vacation until September, but bro move and help me out! You know, vacuuming will be awesome because you are useful and also you would do some exercise! Oh, wait I got something better for you. Why don't you clean your bathroom, I can guarantee that you will lose at least 3 kilos." Another good exercise for you my dear hubby will be: chase the kitties and give them the medicine! You know bending, picking up, fighting to open their mouth, that's good for your health!"

At the beginning of this working from home regime, I used to exercise. Can you believe that I have destroyed two Yoga Balls since March? After I said farewell to them I kind of stopped exercising. I tried dancing for a while, but my neighbors started to complain. In Argentina, Italia, France people are having disco in their balconies and everybody dance. Try it in Canada; you will have the Police at your door in no time, Pandemic or not!

Now, I am exercising with my mind making plans about what I am going to do when Coronella is over. For now I am doing sit downs, and lifting my foot up and down with imaginary weights. I even learn how to do my own massage. When you sit more than 10 hours chained to an improvised desk, your back starts complaining... a lot.

In Coronella time, my family reached an agreement: fun for all, weights no more!

Thank you Coronella, for the first time in our married life we all look the same: round and round, fat flows on the ground!


Chapter 60
The enemy

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

I used to put others above myself, but then Covid happened, and I realized how bad my dedication was.

I needed the others to see me and help me go through this... and surprise, surprise! They were used to "receiving", the "giving" portion was missing from their vocabulary and education.

Fuck! I turned my other cheek, this time my bottom cheek, and started my selfish adventure.

Covid visited me in March and since then I checked out from my good list a lot of my so called friends. I kept only Mom, my sister and God, the rest were complaining too much.

In order to keep myself afloat, I became selfish. I know, you are a righteous person, this is  not how a Christian supposed to behave. But this Christian had to survive the rage of my friends for daring to get out of the house and work and live as usual.

My friends who advised me to bleach everything, and if you see somebody on the ground " don't touch ...it might have Covid!"

What else did I learn? We all die someday: the advantage of dying now is that you get a free burial or "barbecue ". Please, forgive my bitterness, but it is true.

The hard truth is if we don't die now, we will die in a couple of months of hunger or stupidity. You know another riot will happen, and I might accidentally be trespassing on their crazy "party".

God, please forgive me, I finally have somebody else to blame for my weakness, and that thing is Covid.

How I wish everything would go back to normal, but deep down, I know it will not. They took away our freedom of speech and the liberty of traveling. We got confined to one spot, and luckily, I can use my past travel memories as my happy La-La Land.

Covid and myself will never be friends. We've gotten used to each other, but we'll never be friends.

 


Chapter 61
Dinu and Leo

By Iza Deleanu

My Pisa used to love to come with me in my crazy trips. Her problem was, I guess as mine, the way back. She just loved to go, but hated to come back to the old same thing. You know what I am talking about: hard work, empty bank account, annoying reality!

I want to take my ten month old kitties for a ride, not to the vet, but somewhere in the mountains. I need so badly a vacation and a change of scenery, and I think they need some fresh air too. The poor boys tucked with me in the house for five months. Dinu and Leo started to meow back and forth.

- She is crazy, I hate cars, said Leo.

- Shut up, this is my chance to see some real birds and smell some flowers. I am so sick of this hot room... I need air!

- Dinu, you can go, why do I have to come with you?

- We are bro forever so we meow together, kitty power, non?

- Meow, non! Damn it, too much French TV in this house.

- Leo, mon frere, let's go.

What should I do? Trip together, or no!

Author Notes My Leo hates car rides, Dinu loves them. They grew together so I can leave Leo alone. Since I have them, one of us have to stay behind and take care of the kitties. You guess who is staying:)


Chapter 62
Gloves and masks

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Another mask

Biting the dust

My tolerance has hit the glass

I'm screaming at the jerks above,

Stop littering the mighty grass

With masks and gloves

Or I will come to feed your ass

With gloves and masks!

 

Author Notes I am just not happy with people discarding their masks and gloves all over the place...


Chapter 63
Holy masko-mony

By Iza Deleanu

Just imagine two young orthodox Christians eager to tie the knot on Coronella time. Traditionally a marriage will have to take place in a church, but now since they closed them, the bride and groom will have a Zoom ceremony. The health authorities will keep an eye on the ceremony as well. So, as a requirement of the ceremony will be for the young couple to stay 2 meters apart and of course they will have to wear a mask.

The priest will Zoom in and read the prayers and the blessing of the marriage. They will have to walk around the table by themselves and keeping the social distance at all times. After that when the moment of the kiss will arrive the health authorities will interfere with a questionnaire of anti-Coronella measures. The groom will eagerly remove the mask, but the Health Authorities will yell at him:

- Stop! Do not remove the mask! I repeat: DO NOT REMOVE THE MASK!

- But, I need to kiss my bride. What the heck! This is part of the ritual? What kind of ceremony is this without the kissy-kissy section?

- Sir, we are living in difficult times. You can't kiss the bride until you answer the following questionnaire:

- Okay, shoot!

- Have you been outside Canada for the past fourteen days?

- I wish!

- Sir?

- No, I have not! Next!

- Have you been in contact with anyone that presented signs of Covid?

- Are you for real? How would I know?

- Sir?

- Okay, I guess, no?

- Do you present symptoms of fever, dry cough, tiredness, aches and pains, tiredness, sore throat, loss of taste or smell, rash on skin and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath?

- Sir?

- What the hell. It's the season of cold...

- Sir?


- No! I have zero symptoms. Would you like to zoom in and check my temperature, just to be on the safe side?

- Sir, we will get to that soon.

- What?

- Well, we have a team outside your ceremony hall with a test kit for Covid.


- Are you for real?

- I don't understand. Sir, you and your bride need to take the Covid test.

- Okay, let's do it. I really need to get back to my bride.

- One last request.

- What now?

- After we test you... you and your bride need to get in self-isolation until we call you with the results. If it's negative.... You may kiss the bride.


- Self-isolation? Awesome. This will be our honeymoon!

- Not quite. Each of you will self-isolate in a different place. You may meet the bride after fourteen days. Happy marriage!

If you were them, wouldn't you wish a quiet and discreet ceremony... just to kiss the bride? What a pun!
 Handle with care, marriage to share with the Covid heir!

Author Notes I hope you had a laugh reading this. Thank you for reading:)


Chapter 64
My precious one

By Iza Deleanu

My precious, since Coronella hit us, they become more expensive than gold. Yes, Sir, since day one, I have stashed them away from my hubby.

He doesn't 
have to know that I have them. Every time I go into a grocery store I search for them, but they are gone,  my precious ones!

Then, I come home and look at them and just do that thing like in the Lord of the rings: I
cuddle with them and whisper: "my precious, my Lysol wipes".


Chapter 65
Aussies come back

By Iza Deleanu

Banff used to be so "lovely", before Coronella time. All the stores and hotels were bursting with foreign personnel: Germans, Brits, Irish but the most exotic ones were the Aussies. Since the borders are closed, no Aussies, mate!

I never understood why they all were opting to be ski instructors. I guess surfing is similar to skiing? Don't know! I never tried them!

He, he I'm talking about sports. Remember? I'm married with cats.

The prophecy is fulfilled: Aussie stays home, and Banff loses its main attraction: young, attractive with funny accent marriage material.


Chapter 66
The mirage

By Iza Deleanu

The day whatever, forgot since the Coronella plague immigrated to Canada. Can you blame her? Canada is the best country in the world: we give you sanctuary, free medical insurance, housing, and the CERB. I guess she likes our long and "beautiful" winters which is a bonus environment for all the freebies you can eat.


Anyway, let's forget the damn Coronella and get back to me. It's Autumn and for the first time in ten years, we got a splendidly colored October. It's warm and dreamy, you can almost forget about that unwanted refugee that is lurking back on the corner. Sanctuary, my foot!

But how can you forget? The black masks are reminding you, that she is still here and she is still having her fun with us the stupid puppets.

I am missing my Caribbean escape and my trip back to Romania. I don't know if is because of Coronella, but people become more nostalgic about those trips, so you can see lots of Mexican restaurants popping up at every corner.

No, it's not the same thing. I think it's missing the soul. I try to make a margarita myself, but it turned super blunt and undrinkable.

Oh, wait, I just received an offer from Westjet. They talk about getting a trip to some Mexican resorts, where you can work remotely and drink remotely. Yup, I would love something like that. Every time I click on the details, the website is kicking me out. Nice mirage, Westjet, call me when you are serious. I swear I will be the first one to try this, Coronella, or not. I don't care about the drinks, but I'm all for cooling off in the ocean. Yup, zoom me out, boss! I'm doing some looping with the dolphins at Mazatlan.

Author Notes CERB is the Canadian Emergency Response Benefit given on COVID time. Thank you for reading my little charade.


Chapter 67
About dogs and masters

By Iza Deleanu

Today is a day like the rest of the others. Masked people are walking their dogs in the park. Dogs are normal! People are ghosts... Thank God for the smell, otherwise, the dogs will walk home with a different masked figure.


People are shadows, sad and withdrawn. Dogs are normal. They continue to play and run in circles. Life for them is fluid, for us it stopped in March.

Our society's rules are in full chaos: kids at home pretending to study; kids at school faking the normal and above everything there is the almighty Mask of Coronella.

Winter is here and we are grateful for the masks...it keeps us warm and incognito.

In our tradition, when we are hiding behind a mask, the Evil is lurking and making fun of us. We lost our personality and passion. We fight for everything...with a cause or without!

People and dogs masked walking each other without a thought...



 


Chapter 68
The Gulag

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

All my hopes are dead! My crazy idea of traveling somewhere for Christmas died last night: 500 people died of Coronella in Alberta. I know, no biggie; Italy and Spain had more than that, but our smaller population feels the hit. I feel like it's hitting closer to home. I joke about it and continue to deny that it is real, but the shadow of worries creeps down my spine. I hear a voice louder and louder: "I'm coming for you, be prepared' I swear, I am not prepared at all! Whoever released this sucker has done a lousy job! Now it's out of control, and it cannot be stopped! Great job, mother fucker scientist; you knew what you were doing since day one! Most human beings live in a four-season reality, and in some, the winter lasts more than three months.

My proverbial optimism suffered a coup de foudre: I LOVE CHRISTMAS and all the cheesy movies that are running on T.V.! They are lifting my broken spirit and make me wanna try everything traditional in Canada for this season. You know, I never had eggnog.


Should I give up? Nope! Depression, get the hell out of my face! Okay, I'm not going to Costa Rica or Romania, so I can pay my debt and put many aside for the summer. New plans: Greece, Portugal, Nice, here I come! That's all I have left: dreaming and watching documentaries about the places where I would like to go.
That voice is still there: "keep on dreaming 'cause 2020 February was the last time for your travels; starting with the next year, nobody will go anywhere. The global order decided -- suckers stay home! To travel will be a privilege and not one of your rights.

Speaking of rights, you will have only one: if you want to eat, obey the new order, and most importantly, you must be dumb!" I think the last condition is the deal-breaker for me! I was raised to speak my mind and talk about the idiocy of our days. Man, I am doomed! I will be part of the 10% that will die not of Coronella but of being outspoken! This is so sad! God gave us the freedom to choose; the Devil now is in power! He fools you with freebies, the only condition to believe anything you see and hear. Yup, keep on lying, brother. Did you hear there is a vaccine that is efficient 70% and another one 90%? Wait, I just remember the joke from CBC that was proposing to combine those two vaccines and get one that is 160 % efficient.

But no matter what, this year I love Christmas! In Alberta, we are still lucky; they have not banned Christmas as not being essential from the stores like in Manitoba. What a way to go: they took out Christmas from the shelves or put it behind plastic because people will get Coronella if they go Christmas shopping. This is one more example of idiocy when you take the only joy and hope of being average.

Author Notes In Manitoba just banned all the Christmas decorations and Christmas shopping because is not essential! Oh, my God, really? Tell that to the kids:(- no Christmas tree for you this year.


Chapter 69
Broken hope

By Iza Deleanu

Marriages on the brink of extinction, that is what Coronella brought us! Last Sunday at church I just heard about another separation: a family with 3 kids. This is outrageous! Now we are forced into the prison of our houses for at least another month. I know, we at least have a house. Ms. Coronella we kind of do need a house because here winter is more than 6 months. We can add new victims to the divorce rate, also an increase in reporting of domestic violence incidents.

Coronella is to blame, or maybe is something wrong with us. I think we forgot how to love with our souls. I don't know how, but our love has become so materialistic: the bride wants the biggest diamond from the store, the kids' love is bought with expensive presents, and the old parents ensure that their children will visit them in a hope of a materialistic recompense... in a will somewhere.

This is going to be the saddest Christmas ever: no church service, far away from our families and seriously who cares about the presents? I don't even have a Christmas tree. Like my friend was saying: "what if someone sneezed on the tree, do you know how much Coronella can you get if you take that tree into your house?"

So, yeah, thank you Coronella for another beautiful gift: we are drowning in our selfishness! We are not kind to each other, and we will have turned against another! "Look, Mr. Policeman, my neighbors broke the curfew and brought home a... new born baby. They say is their daughter, but we know they have just a son!"



 


Chapter 70
Getting by

By Iza Deleanu

When Coronella attacked us, we lost our minds. The toilet paper, Lysol, and hand sanitizer were trending hotter than gold. We learnt to get by and wait until the storm passed. After three months, we started to find them in all the stores. The same thing happened with the masks and gloves; now you can buy them everywhere. At the beginning, our provincial government gave them away for free, just to be safe.

Then they locked us in the house, and we learnt how to work from home on improvised desks and older computers. We got by, and we started to enjoy our short Albertan summer. We started to live again... a little. They opened the restaurants, the libraries, the gyms; we were allowed to travel a little bit. We learnt to get by with little.

Now, winter is here. They locked down the restaurants again, the libraries, us... Christmas! The city decided to take Coronella in its own hands and started to give us fines for not wearing a mask, for breaking the curfew and trying to see our dear ones. It's okay we will get by, as usual. Now they are saying there is an anti-Coronella vaccine, but they are not sure if it's working or what the side effects are. We are  guinea pigs for it. I am not taking it, I will wait it out. This shall pass, and we will get by as usual.


Chapter 71
Karma

By Iza Deleanu

Did you know that Coronella hit the third wave in China. I'm telling you scary stuff. So no matter what you do, there's no escape from this crazy Lady. Whoever let her lose, I think played too much with the variable components. Now it's mutating like crazy. Maybe the scientist was on drugs too, so he added a molecule that was super unstable and could take whatever form she wanted. First she was a pangolin, then a bat-in, and a snake -- in. After it got out of China town, it came to Europe and Americas as a shaolin! Yup it came into an air plane and with one sneeze chine-zee spread the joy to all of us! Not even the mother of all masks could've saved us from her neurotic dance. She started with tango, then we catch a mambo and now we are in full cha-cha mode!

In Europe they came up with some local dances to curb her enthusiasm such as Pfizer and Moderna. They made a couple of vaccines, but I wonder with this crazy and moody lady, that is like a Chameleon, would we be able to catch the right "personality'? But, Ms. Coronella started the dance tournament called - Catch me if you can!

The juries are confused, so they gave up and shout it: Ms. Coronella, cut the crap and stop weaving your curves, we bloody know there are no antibodies to protect us from you. The only escape, I guess it's Karma - the most potent vaccine created by higher power. So here it is: Karma would take over our lives: naughty or not, here I come Ms. Coronella, we will knock you over. or karm you over for good!


Chapter 72
Call me Crazy

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

With the new fines introduced by the City I am just visualizing the following conversation taking place, especially since there are so many "concerned citizens" that are so bored from watching Netflix and drinking cheap beer, that they will call the Peace Officer for nothing.

- Fine! Fine me! Sue me, but let me go since I am already paying, I might as well enjoy it!

- Sir, you're not allowed to go into that house! Even if you pay the one thousdnd dollars now as a fine you're still not allowed to go! It's the Law! said the Peace Officer.

- Really? Show me the freaking law!

- There... it's a city by-law in effect that bans visiting people.

- Yeah? What's the number? Can you show it to me? Can I visit pets, then?

- Well, there it's a communique from the city in Edmonton that bans gathering.

- Listen up, Mr. Covidoid Peace Officer, "piss off", until you show me an official piece of legislation, you can shovel this fine down the drain or find another abiding citizen to pay this crap, because I can't afford it. The city let me go when they closed the libraries. By the way, whoever called you in the name of a "concern idiot", pardon me citizen, I think got this scenario wrong. This person lives alone and according to the same city bullshit, I am allowed to take care of the mental well-being of this person who lives like this since March. Check my bags, if you please. I have groceries and some bare necessities that will help maintain a proper hygiene and keep Coronella away. See, I brought him some apples... one a day  to keep the doctor away. You know, this is necessary, since there are no beds available in ICU!

- Okay, now I understand. You may proceed.

- Don't mind, if I do. For the future, please before giving somebody a heart attack, check the facts. They are so many fake callers and pranksters.

- Okay, sorry, Sir! Have a good day!

- Yeah, Merry Christmas and tell the Mayor to find another source of increasing the city budget, because the Edmonton population is brokenstein, and the fines are going to buy him a seat "out"!

Author Notes https://edmontonjournal.com/news/local-news/city-of-edmonton-clamping-down-on-enforcement-of-provincial-covid-19-restrictions-28-tickets-issued-within-past-week


Chapter 73
Come and Gone again

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

That is right! This Christmas has come and gone without a trace. There is no memory left behind, no grandiose party, and even the birth of Christ was banned, or better say erased because they closed the churches. The sad part for me is that it comes with zero presents. Santa skipped me this year. I must have been naughty, not nice.

I am not complaining; overall, it was a good year. I am alive and kicking for now, despite Coronella going on a rampage around me. Would I last another year? God knows. Right now, I am fighting with hubby dear, every day. Nothing makes him happy, but what about me? Does anybody care about me and my feelings? I am too busy to mending other's people feelings. I am Mother T in action. This is quite exhausting.

He is not used to staying so long in the house, and now space is too tight for all four of us. Yup, the kitties are part of the household too. He should take this stupid fight outside! My kitties are running like bunnies, and he is going ballistic on us. Why is he not yelling at Miss Coronella? After all, this is her fault. Why did she lock up us in the house with people that sometimes hit pause on the Like section? He is disturbing our household balance. Usually, I am the one doing all the yelling and planning in the house. Now, he decided to show me his muscles and paint the bedroom... on Christmas day. This left me literally with no bed and all the things packed up, or better said, thrown out in the middle of the living room. Go figure Christmas dinner from this point on!

Lately, it takes so little to put me in a defensive mood. I am like EL NINO, and you should hear my lovely voice shouting not so nice words. Like, come on, man! You want a Christmas dinner, how I am supposed to arrange for that, when I need to slalom through things that you deposit everywhere, including the small section, we call a kitchen.

You know, I can't wave my magic wand and make shit happen! The only thing I can do right now is to install the app, Skip the Dishes, and order... dinner. It is not going to be the usual Christmas dinner, but something boxed and Asian? Oh, God, my mom will be so sad! You eat what you sow, brother!

If Coronella made you go nachos, my calm is gone too! When there is too much pressure, the only thing I can do is disappear for a few hours and think, I need a quiet place where I can talk to God. And they closed the libraries and YMCA. I love to talk to God when I am in the swimming pool. As I lie in the pool, I let the blue liquid cover me, as I watched the sky. I hear the water and my breathing as my heart slows down, and all my worries are washed away. There is no more sickness in the world. There is just God and joy. I feel so much happiness, peaceful love towards the people around me, and wisdom.

Coronella or not, God felt my pain and cry for help, so he sent me a proper Christmas. This year all my friends bought me Romanian cookies and the traditional Romanian food served for the Christmas dinner: cabbage rolls with pork meat and rice, pork jelly, fish, and cheese pie. I know there is a lot of pork at our Christmas dinner. I know we are funny this way: we eat lamb for Easter and pork for Christmas. Please don't ask me why, because I have no clue. The fish is important because the tradition says we will swim free as fish in the New Year. Another tradition's to put money inside the pie. Whoever finds them will be rich next year.

Even if Coronella is here to stay, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, she will be kicked out of our lives very soon.

Author Notes I use the word nachos - for going nuts, Mother T is short from Mother Teresa. Thank you for sharing and please help me correct my grammar errors.


Chapter 74
Happy New Year

By Iza Deleanu

How was the last day of the year, this year? For me was hibernation as usual. If I hit pause, and look back, I think we had 365 days of hibernation across the globe. I know, you are so tired of hearing this but I have to say it! We had so many days of hibernation because of Coronella. She said that she was coming for a short visit but she stayed with us for the entire year.

I really spent my last day of 2020 in self-isolation, doctor's order. On Christmas day I got a cold, and they sent me the next day to the ER for the Coronella test. I am okay, I know I am even if my test didn't come back. Like come on, who could've given me the virus? I am working from home and since they closed my massage therapy and library, I have not been out for a month now! Christmas presents? This year I offer and got zero! I think I was invisible not naughty, because Santa didn't even stop by for a chat and cookie!

My New Year attire was a sexy PJ! I must confess I bought it especially for the New Year's Eve, in the summer, from Hudson Bay because it was on... sale! How did the New Year did catch me? Alone, with my two cats in my Queen bed. It was a night to remember me and Queen, celebrating on Bohemian Rhapsdoy : "easy come, easy goes Coronella on the roast! Scarabush, scarabush Amadeus let me GOOO!".

My husband decided to go for a walk and come after midnight so I drank my champagne from a thermos on What's Up with two of my friends! Thank God he opened the champagne before he left. I got for the New Year 3 glasses of Champagne and lots of cookies. Yup, my diet is doomed! Keto my foot! I am carbo one-on-one, right now! I need to finish all the cookies, right? I will not give any to Miss Coronella, she can try her cookie fortune somewhere else, right! So Happy New Year and get vaccinated, cause I am not! I hate needles so I am waiting for the Coronella pill, if you know what I mean...

 


Chapter 75
Born in 2020

By Iza Deleanu

Everybody wants to erase 2020, but why? There are so many babies that have been born this year. It's their fault that they have seen the light of day in the Coronella season? Should we delete them too?

Each year we live is a blessing. We must live with the bad, the ugly, and the good. It is a tough relationship between yin and yang, but we need both elements for balance.

For example, if Coronella had not been here in 2020, I would never have had a chance to know what an amazing province I live in. In 2020 I realized that I don't need to fly around the globe to be happy. I found my local grounding ocean - the Twin Lakes seriously is the best "ocean" ever. It looks like a Cenote from Mexico. The water is a black pit, but excellent for swimming. If you do not know what is below, it cannot hurt you.

2020 had lots of bad moments too: lots of good people moved to another dimension, but at the same time, lots of families got together again. I am not saying that 2020 was an easy year, but just think about the first and the second war... how many years it took to finally make peace. Even today, some of the involved countries are carrying that burden.

2020 it's having a clear spot in history. There is a lesson to learn here, and we need to remember. So, please don't erase 2020 from your memory.


Chapter 76
The hokey-pokey

By Iza Deleanu

Why should I get myself poked for somebody's culinary choices? Shouldn't first the bats, pangolins and snakes get the vaccine? In this way, we will avoid future infestations. I propose to get Coronella here and give her the vaccine. It's time to bag her up!

Or even better give the vaccine to any animal that is sold on the wet markets in China. If they will get to live in the next year, then I will trust this vaccine and I will let myself be jabbed too! Until then, I am waiting and checking the side defects aka effects of this miracle cure.

Some provincial premiers in Canada went overboard and declared that when you get the vaccine you will receive a certificate that would allow you to travel, get employment, etc. This dumb ass minister has not said a word about the people who are allergic to the poking. Would they lose their employment and be stuck in their houses forever? What will happen to them?

I am one of those who might react badly to it. Unfortunately, my fabulous family doctor plays hide-and-seek with me, so I can't actually have a face-to-face conversation about the side effects and how can I find out for sure if I am allergic to it.

Probably because of my work, I will be forced to take it, and in that case, the only thing I can do is to make the sign of the cross and let the Lord protect me.


Chapter 77
Have no fear, Lysol is here

By Iza Deleanu

Our hallways, hospitals, and kitchen have not been so clean as in 2020. You can drop food on the floor and eat it without fear because Lysol is here. On December 30th, 2020 I ended up nolens-volens in the Emergency Room. Have no fear, Coronella, they send me here because I dare to cough.

Our work protocol is when somebody is coughing or sneezing, he is automatically is laysoled, I meant tested for Coronella. In the summer it was easier, you call the 811 number to tell them that you need a test and voila they were testing you the next day

Since June when I got my last test, things have changed. You call 811 and speak with a nurse that after puts you in panic mode and gets you a free ticket to ER.

So, I just did that, asked my husband to drive me to the nearest hospital  -Misericordia. Yup, it used to be super dirty before. But now, oh man, it is sparkling!

My hubby, who hates hospitals, dumped me ten meters from the ER entrance and ran home. Shaking, I entered the building and what I noticed was a huge empty tent attached to the ER Room. Before you even enter the hospital there is a guard dog at the door. It barked at me to sanitize my hands and state the scope of my visit.

I told him that the nurse I spoke with me over the phone sent me here to do the Coronella test and see if I have a cold or something else.

I took a seat in the waiting room before a plastic wall and that's when the Lysol game started. I waited for 20 minutes and in those minutes they cleaned my area at least twice. I was there all by myself. Finally, they called me in, took my temperature, blood pressure, and sent me to the clerks on the opposite side of the room to do my entrance file. After that, surprise, they send me to that big tent to wait until they come to take me in.

I waited for about thirty minutes and finally, the nurse took me inside the ER ward and asked me to get changed into the hospital attire and wait for the doctor. I do not know about you, but the moment I am in a hospital all my symptoms are gone. The doctor came in, took my temperature, and finally the Coronella test, yey, I'm free to go, but first... Lysol!


Chapter 78
Ungrateful

By Iza Deleanu

We are such pussies. For the entire year, we screamed and beg for a vaccine. Now we have it, and we are playing the waiting game. It is too early, it is not tested enough, what if it will do more harm than good?

I finally get it! How hard it must be for God with our indecisions: "God, please give me health. Oh, no, rewind, I meant wealth. No! Stop! Can I have both? I guess I am allowed a third wish!"

Right? We treat God like the golden fish that can grant us three wishes. Some are treating God like a genie from the bottle. In this life, we all are acting like badass Aladdin's trying to steal the treasure! I guess no one wants to play the Lab of God, the leave all your riches and follow me. So here you go, part of your heritage now it's one badass Coronella.

For the entire year, the politicians were on a shouting contest: "My country has the vaccine, and we will ask the army to help us to spread it to the whole population!"

So many plans have been joggled on the negotiation table. It is 2021, and the real quest begins. We need those crappy influencers that will convince the masses to take the ultimate sacrifice: EL VACCINO!

I don't need an influencer to tell me what to do. When I was in the ER, I did my thing: get information first hand. So, I asked the ER doctor about my specific concern, that I never had a vaccine in my life for flu. I told him that I am afraid of the secondary reactions. Guess what he did. He started to recite the propaganda: " Well, this is not a flu vaccine, but one specifically designed for Coronella. So I should take it. And if I am afraid I should test myself for the side effects."

Really, smart pants? I have not seen a single clinic that tests for that. I have no idea what's inside that vaccine, and what I heard is scary. So, I am taking my chances and rely entirely on God. He will send me an answer to my questions...I just must pray more, and fear...less!


Chapter 79
Tequila

By Iza Deleanu

Ready or not, here I come, I am going to find you and take you over!

Yup, that was Coronella wishful thinking since 2019. She took some, but she lost some too, which means that she is not so Almighty after all. Now world politics is promising her some big snooze with the new vaccines on the market that are fighting for the title The Best of 2021!

So let's recap what we have so far: we have Pfizer (don't trust the frogs aka French -- I know it's done in Switzerland but they speak French too) Moderna, AstraZeneca, etc.

One is kept at super cold temperature, the other one doesn't care so much about the arctic temperature. I just heard the news that Pfizer arrived in the States and the cargo is GPS-d, a.k.a tracked by satellite. I mean I understand in Romania, that measure would make sense, because the gangs of gypsies might attack the trucks and steal it and then sell it on the black market, but in the USA? I don't know, it sounds fishy. So my question is: why does it have to be served cold when it's already cold in most of the countries...

The other thing is that each dose is tracked individually; they must have people trying to steal the "precious cargo". The other issue is that Coronella won, again, because this vaccine is not a guarantee that will keep her away. You know, in Canada, we have a game called fifty-fifty chance, so your chance to sing Beat It, it's a fifty-fifty game!

People were screaming last year for a cure, this year they have it, or that's what they say, and surprise; now they want to play the waiting game! How are they trying to convince the population that the vaccination is good? Well they are using their so-called poster child, a.k.a the first people who smile in front of the camera to get the shot, oh shit, wait it's not Tequila.

 


Chapter 80
Obedience

By Iza Deleanu

They got us! Yup, there is no point in hiding. They got our weak spot, the "power of obedience" for the greater "red-bull." I refuse to go on Facebook. What's the point? All the shares are about Coronella and how she stripped us of our humanity. Yup, she did it with our help. People are screaming that they are getting sick because they are not wearing masks.

Really? And how the fork do you know, you are supposed to be in freaking lockdown! What the heck are you doing on the streets? Are you fishing for people who are not wearing masks? Good luck, you will find none!

You heard that the are no places in ICU and in the hospital and the doctors are overwhelmed. Again, how do you know? Who is providing you with this breaking news? Is it Coronella behind this shaking news, or it is the government? I have been in the hospital in the Emergency Room. I was the only one there, so...

And what a perfect opportunity to control your life some more. They got no
new apps to tell you who has Coronella? Really? If they are so good why not controll all of us at once and separate us into groups: sick, healthy, and eventually exposed? Does this sound familiar? Do you remember Hitler? He started small and look where it got us!

My heart sinks, everytime I see an ambulance in front of my building. I see them dressed in those "cool" and alien suits. I get it they need to be protected, but why are they stripping off their customes in front of the ambulance; shouldn't they finish the transport and then get rid of the protective equipment?

Why are the nurses and doctors using their scrubs as street attire? Are they not bringing viruses in the hospital by doing that? I can't tell you how many times I have travelled with nurses in the subway. How do I know? Well they were dressed like that. Come on, you can't tell me that for them it is Halloween every day of the year. You see, in Romania the doctors are come to work in normal clothes and they are change in the hospital. I think this should be the norm for all the countries.

You see, Coronella is the perfect mask; you can do whatever you feel as a government and control us some more. You see there are revolts everywhere. I think the great awakening has started. Coronella's days are numbered... but it can mutate into a new strain, so stand by.


Chapter 81
Locked out

By Iza Deleanu

This year, our snowbirds got the surprise of their life, they got the locked out notice, from Lady Coronella. No more travelling to the sunny States. Like seriously who would like to go there? They have more people sick, than we do! And let's not forget the shooting! No more extra revenue added to their pension by renting their houses.

For the first time, I saw these oldies barely moving inside the building. I felt so sorry for them. Some of these people are alone. How do I know that? Well I am seeing every couple of days a car from a foundation that deliver food. I know is for them.

For the first time since they had retired, they had to stay put in our cold-welcoming country, chez nous, chez Canada! At the beginning, they were not happy, because this idiotic Coronella kept them prisoners. But then, they started to count their blessings. At least they got their pensions, which is a secured income, and now they will get their vaccination done, because they are special.

Lady Coronella is here to stay, and some provinces went over board to keep their people inside. In Ontario the Police it is allowed to stop you if you don't wear a mask or you are out without a purpose. This year, British Columbia, was one of the provinces that got some revenue from tourism and was the only escape for all Canadians to maintain the illusion of travelling. Now, the shitty population wants to close their gates to the province, because apparently they got sick from the outsiders!

When there will be no more tourists, I wonder who are they going to blame Coronella spreading?


Chapter 82
The News

By Iza Deleanu

The drama of trauma, do you know how you can reinforce this successfully? Well, let me show you, just sit, relax and please don't eat any popcorn, because it might go on the wrong side, because of the shocking revelation.

I know what I am saying, you already know, but you've been too polite to say it out loud! Last night I wanted to listen to some Bulgarian radio just to keep my language frequency open! So after I listen to some narodna musika or what you call it here, folklore, it started: the news hour.

Why are they always kicking off with the stats section? Blah, blah, blah numbers died of Coronella, blah, blah, has tested positive, and blah, blah number of tests have been performed. When I hear that, I just shut myself down and don't hear anything else, just Miss Death floating above my celling and all those numbers mixed up.

I know that my mom talks like a news broadcaster. Here it is: "How are you?" She never waits for my answer and goes on: "How many deaths do you have over there? I'm telling you here is pretty bad. We have so many deaths! And people are scared to go to the hospital: you go for surgery, you get out with Coronella, and they buried you without even knowing that it is you or somebody else! They told us that no flights from America are allowed." You see, I don't have to follow any news. My mom knows it all. So I am waiting for my mom to tell me when it is safe to return to Romania.

I remember when I was living at home, our news was different, and they were not so dramatic. Now all the news reporters are made in the USA because the style is a la CNN: shocking, breaking freaking news. We started to see lots of crimes reporting, shootings, rapes, kidnapping! The funniest part is that there is no rating for kids on that news, and they are broadcasted in the middle of the day all day long.

How you supposed to keep your sanity when those idiocies are running on repeat: 6 am, 8 am, 10 am, 12 am, 17 pm, 19, etc. However, the same shocking news runs for at least a week in continuum!

Now, thanks to Coronella, the weather got a break. Nobody remembers those weather talks! Now everybody talks about Coronella. We all become experts in creating masks, videos to keep the sanity at home, yoga instructors, chemists because we learn how to make our own sanitizers and cleaning products, etc.

Our Creator must be so proud. We are self-sufficient and freaking scared of our own shadows. You can't even be happy because somebody is screaming behind you: how can you be happy when there are so many deaths? Coronella is still here!

My advice: skip the Coronella statistics if you want to watch the news or something even better. Record and select which part of the news you want to watch!


Chapter 83
Breathe

By Iza Deleanu

Breathe and don't look back! It's easier said, than done! We've been locked in our houses for almost a year. We don't know how to breathe properly. Today, I went to the library, and I felt like I don't know how to take in the cold crispy air. I started coughing and sneezing and my first thought, damn it, Ms. Coronella got me! Then I realise that it was just my silly panic attack!

After walking for ten meters, I realised that I was walking funny too. My legs were shaking; I guess the walk from my improvised office to the fridge and bathroom couldn't qualify for quality walking.

I remember at the beginning I used to walk inside my building, but then I gave up because there were other people that had the same idea, so became overcrowded and not fun. For two weeks, I dragged myself to the swimming pool, and that was the most exercise I had for the entire year. I was fooling myself that I could do Zumba and yoga on my own. But let me tell you, it's not fun to dance like crazy in a small apartment, and plus it was too much noise for my neighbors.

So the only sport I am currently exceeding is the fat-loo sport, or the concept of eat-pray and be merry or married. So thank you Coronella, I finally have someone to blame for my out of shape body and the free Willy figure.

 


Chapter 84
The Hand

By Iza Deleanu

Sunday, Monday, Doomsday all crap goes back to hell! They should put the Doom between Monday and Sunday, which will be a better spot. Here comes Sunday, sleep late and then wake up having nightmares about Monday when you have to go to the same crapenstein. I get dressed and force a smile and greet with a half asleep voice: Good Morning, Ms. Monday! Nice to see you again! I and my coworkers' have our inside joke; for us every day it's Friday. So when we meet in front of the coffee maker, we great each other with Happy Friday. Then I take the Doomsday one step further and I cheerfully answer: Man, can you believe it that tomorrow I'm flying to Jamaica?

Awesome don't forget my magnet, pretty please and my Blue Mountain Coffee.

After our brief conversation, I am going back to my desk and check my calendar. Oh, no! My Boss did it again! I have three meetings for three hours in which I will be speaking the whole time. I thought that my English is not good enough for this task! I guess this is my punishment: leading all these non-sense meetings, just to justify some other people's existence. Every two weeks, my Monday it's truly Friday; on that day my Boss is off, and I have no meetings. Hurray! I can dream with my eyes open and listening to my eastern European music.

Now I am a fan of the Serbian and Croatian music. I am thinking that we need to listen to all kinds of music; this is the only way to expand my cultural sensitivity. I start liking even the Hungarian music, despite the fact that my country held a grudge with them because of Transylvania. You see, I appreciate the music and I try not to get mixed up in the politics!

2020 was a global doomsday; all of us have been in lockdown for months. For some fanatics it was truly doomsday, because they started saying that God is punishing us with this virus. But how would God be punishing us? He didn't make the virus. We did! Somebody let it loose in the country where they literally eat everything! Have you heard about this joke: "How is 2021 going to look like? The answer: Depending on what the Chinese will be eating!"

Have you noticed that every year there is a nation that is declared the doomsday hand of fear? In 2001 the Arabs became the most hated nation. If you were wearing a turban and had a bear automatically you became a terrorist. It's been twenty years, but the hate is still there. You see one, you run because of the Doomsday!

Now the Chinese are "hot incommodities"! They have been the best carriers for the Virus, and bonus they infiltrated all the countries in the world and started to weaken their economy. Please, don't jump down my throat this is the Doomsday effect, I swear!

So, enjoy your Monday till Sunday, because you don't know when the Doomsday is going to hit like a ... hand! Do you think 2021 will lead us to our Doom? I don't know, I am still in Vacation, so wait until Monday and I will foretell!


Chapter 85
Babies and cats

By Iza Deleanu

The babies that were born at the end of 2019 onwards are considered to be the purest! Hey, don't get jealous. These babies have the craziest immune system. When Coronella arrived, for some of them, everything becomes sterile and out of breath. Their moms couldn't see a doctor properly, and the diet they had been in their mother's womb wasn't the best because most of the available food was frozen. These babies had no love and care because of the no-touch policy. Their birth was a secret affair in which only the mother was involved! The birth room was unusual, with everybody wearing extra body armor. Try to push and scream through a mask; if you do not die in childbirth, then for sure you'll die suffocated.

The moment the child was born, they shelved that bundle of joy in the dad's hands, and on the other hand, the mom and sent them straight home with the order call us only if there is a problem, otherwise scoot! We need the space for Coronei. Those babies have not seen their mother's face since day one. I wonder when the mask will not be mandatory; what will be the babies' reaction when will see their mothers for the first time?

Another problem with being born in Coronella time is that the baby is not used to the sounds of nature; they have no idea what the sun looks like or how it is to be outside. The only thing they know inside out is the sterile room where they are kept, and those two masks figures take turns to care for him.
On the other hand, it was a paradise for kittens the past year and a half. In the first months of the last year, kittens got adopted like crazy. These kitties got so much love and affection that become annoyed. If the dogs felt like in heaven having their master's home, the kitties started a tacit war. They began to sabotage the Zoom and Skype meeting by deciding to sing in the middle of your conference call: meow, meow! Then, they literally started to be kamikaze on the screen, jumping behind your back and giving everybody the birdie. If everybody laughed at the beginning, then your team becomes annoyed with your cat's karate kid abilities.
So, yeah, Coronella changed our lives' order: happy cats, annoyed babies, and masked parents. What will become of our next generation?


Chapter 86
Locked down

By Iza Deleanu

Lock me down, and throw the key and forget my Liberty!

Breaking news: France is on lockdown; England, Germany, Holland... Come on! Not again!

Congrats Miss Coronella, you got a brother in the UK and a sister in South Africa and Brazil. I guess it's nice to have an extended polyglot family; it's easy for infiltration. Maybe a wall will be nice to keep them out?

What's next? Antarctica on lockdown?

The sad part is that thousands of trucks are blocked at the borders. What is going to happen when we run out of food? Half of the world is off-season with producing fruits and cereals, you know winter and all.

People, please see the big picture, locking us in the house's postponing the inevitable. Until we meet Coronella, there will be no cure. Please, don't stone me, you know it's true.


Chapter 87
Greed

By Iza Deleanu

Show me some money, honey. Eureka, I discovered why Coronella is lurking on our existential background since the end of 2019. She's in for the money. She came and found us unprepared and triple charged us. Remember the toilet paper crisis? Let's not forget to add to the list: masks, gloves, disinfectants, antibacterial soap, food, etc.

Then we were short on essential such as: seeing your doctor in person. I don't know about you, but in Canada all the family physicians become Oracles. Viva Le Google! All your symptoms solved with a mighty prescription, over the phone of course. Unfortunately the prescription didn't come with the common disclaimer: you take it, but you might not get the results you were hoping for and surprise, surprise might land you in ICU. Oh, wait. ICU become the Holy Grail for the health system, just people kissed by Cornella could park there, the rest scoot.

Coronella put all treatments on hold; no cancer treatments, no surgeries, no hip replacement. Just imagine the joy to be locked in, and also not be able to move because of your joint pain.

I know for some of you travelling it's not essential. But for my wellbeing it's crucial. Try our Canadian winters, especially in the west, and you will wish to become instantly a Canadian goose and fly somewhere hotter.

Coronella gave full rights to the governments around the world to lock us, beat us and fine us for trying to sneak out and just breathe.

Cornella is playing now days at a different level. Now, she got "Santa's little helpers, aka new streams that is driving us nachos and make us question the greatest addition to this pandemic: the vaccines.

Greed is everywhere. Out there are people that are taking advantage of the suffering and fear and started to call seniors on the phone telling them to make an appalment for vaccination contra a fee. I don't know how it is in other countries, but in Canada we will not pay for this vaccine, the government is taking care of the cost.

Greed is a good ally for Miss Coronella, and as long as the two reign together, you can kiss good bye the cure. Greed it's in our DNA and she got access to it. So, yeah let's make some money, honey... and hope we live to spend it all.


Chapter 88
Spice Apple Caramel?

By Iza Deleanu

Before Coronella, oh man, this sounds like before Christ, and you know the rest.

So, before Coronella Sundays were very organized: go to church and in the  afternoon go to a restaurant and a Movie Theater.

Now, I'm going to church with restricted attendance - a maximum of twenty people, all real Ninja warriors, especially today when it was minus 35 degrees.

My friend and I, after church, we drive through the neighborhood Starbucks to get our imitation of the Sunday ritual. Fear not, other people got the same idea, so there is quite a line.

After we buy our Apple Spice Caramel drink, we do a drink-through, which means park in front of Starbucks and drink and talk in... the car of course, because of Madame Coronella we all learn a new skill - how to socialize in the car.

Don't worry if you don't have a car, you can still socialize... with the guy who's delivering your groceries to your door.

You know, we usually exchange the same"pleasantries" vaccination rates, Coronella death rates, and the number of infected.

Why this order? It's easy; vaccination's bringing hope, death more for us, infected - well bad luck. After we exchange our usual rant behind the masks we end always with the same question: "Why is the rate of the infected so big when we are on lockdown? Like how is possible when the restaurants and gyms are closed for people to get to flood the statistics and now to even come back with the new mutations.

So yeah, go and get your apple spiced caramel and don't worry, be happy.


Chapter 89
The intruders

By Iza Deleanu

The joke of the day: they reopen the restaurants for dine-in. Wait, where is the red carpet and the smashing ceremony of the bottle of champagne.

Since we live with Coronella on a neighborly basis, she plays jokes with us every three months. Lock, open, lock, open until the tap will refuse to give us joy, and will shut forever.

Some restaurant owners said, " screw this, Miss Coronella, I'm not playing by your tunes! What's the point of opening if in a few weeks you will force us to shut the blinds again."

The same happened with the gyms and school. Well, we can't complain that we live a boring life. Every day something new happens.

For example, we started with one stream and in a year we got multiplayer of three. Citronella officially planted roots on four continents.


The mother of all Evils started in Asia in China, then got a cool mutation in South Africa, on the African continent. In December decided to give birth to a new heir in the good old England, so now she claims Europe to her Empire. And in the same month jumped for the same samba lessons in Brazil and she got pregnant again and gave birth to a new player that brought her Empire to South America.

Toronto hit the jackpot, he got all the streams at once, so please avoid landing there. I was hoping that these three new arrivals would step on each other's feet and just disappear but their mommy gave them strict instructions: "Take what you can, never lose a chance!" Hmm, I guess she is a fan of the Pirates too.

So let's take her strategy and kick what we can, resist the intruders.


Chapter 90
Wine tasting

By Iza Deleanu

I feel like Coronella will soon become a vintage wine, the longer it stays the better it's ... tasting. So we have the Coronella production from 2019, 2020 and finally now we have new hybrid.

Coronella managed to have three assortments of "wine". One it's an exotic bouquet with mango and pineapple aromas from Brazil. Another one it's a sweet floral bouquet of jasmine from Africa, and the last one is a winter touch from England.

So cheers, mate! Nazdrovia! Cheers and happy testing!




 


Chapter 91
AA meetings

By Iza Deleanu

The Coronella tribe got us good. First, she closed our churches and made us all atheists; then she made us violent: staring at each other for more than a year can play a real trick on your nerves - no wonder that the rate of crimes escaleted, as well as the rates of divorce.

Coronella created new job opportunities, so now she can easily be a candidate for a presidency. She can't check out from her platform the job section, because now we have the following flourishing professions:

Delivery driver (for food aka culinary connoisseur to make it more oh la, la), amazon partners (another fancy name for the delivery driver, aka boss of all packages), also we have the fixer-upper zoom, skype, all team events good for all "kind of guy, your guy" kind of technician.

Oh, let's not forget the call center role on phone and on-line. We order as pros, and we learn the magic words: thank you and please.

We fished some bad habits too, such as drink and drinking. Yup we lose the drink and don't drive portion, because we are all pedestrian: fridge- couch, and from the sofa straight to the bathroom and full circle back to the fridge.

The AA meetings have never been happier than now. They are the most popular place of worship: people that want to stop drinking, but why bother when everything is so dull, mmm let's have one last sip before we start for real; and people that feel alone and have no work/family meetings to attend, so why not pop-in one of those AA meetings, where you get entertained for free.

They stay on mute and laugh their heart out listening to those silly stories: "like how you can't stop. Just don't go to the liquor store, dummy! What would you do if you were living in Eastern Europe? You know we have "drinking options" at every corner. Booze it's in the grocery store, your non-stop boutique from the bus station, malls, close to schools and daycares... do you feel me?


 


Chapter 92
Passport to Hell

By Iza Deleanu

Congrats Ms. Coronella; now we are officially surrendering. Yup, we are offering you our rights of being free. They decided for us in the European Union, and probably our prime idiot will approve something similar, proud imitator! You want to travel in Coronella time, you need a passport. Wait, not that type of passport, but a vaccination passport, that you will proudly show everywhere you go.

Wait for it. In the future, this passport will grant you access to food and other basic necessities. I think this is discrimination! Are the ones who are allergic to it suppose to die in their own homes?

Her majesty, Coronella, empowered all the idiots to make decisions for you. For example, take my boss. I asked her for my vacation for August, and first, she denied telling me that if I go to Romania, I can't have my vacation. Just imagine me making the fish face and then moving to the chili section. I barely managed not to scream, so after I cool off, I said that it's my right to go. My trip is essential for my well-being. I didn't understand what was her business to send my request to our manager, when she is the one in charge of the vacation and timesheets, freaking ass" butter-kissing mother...", okay you know the rest.

I went to bed furious, but then I cooled off and said a prayer and waiting for a miracle.

The next day she called me and asked me to check the Canadian position towards international traveling. Well, right now, it's not very pink, but people are still moving around. How am I supposed to know-how is going to be in August? I call her back that the posted information is not relevant to my situation. By August, more people will get the vaccine and the stupid certification. Then she asked me if I've booked my time for the vaccine. Really, boss, they approved this movement only for seventy and over. I might look old, but my birthday says that I will get this last-minute, precisely like my suggested trip.

To add more to my stress, she told me that I have to pay for three days for a hotel when I come back and then stay 14 days at home without pay! Well, thanks for punishing me for wanting to go and see my mom and my dad's grave. I asked her, can I work from home when I come back, like now? She said: "No!" We don't pay you to travel." In my mind I said, you can kiss my derriere, I am going! I'm not going to live in fear and obey the bullshit! You can suck it up to Coronella. I won't! My sanity is more important than living here in fear!

Then she asked me to buy my ticket last minute like hell that I will do that. As soon as she gave me the green light, I jumped on the Air France website and booked my flight, of course after I made the sign of the cross for good measure.

The next day she called me and repeated the same threats, yup, you can see the power of Coronella even after she is gone. We will never go back to normal. Welcome to the new normal: bullshit all around. The reign of terror just began.


Chapter 93
Choices

By Iza Deleanu

We are on the second year of Coronella's reign, and now the question is not anymore to get or not to get the shot, but who's, is going to get it and from where?

I want to enlighten you. We have three choices in the USA: Pfizer-BioNTech COVID-19 vaccine, Moderna COVID-19 vaccine, Janssen/Johnson & Johnson COVID-19. Then you are not happy; you can try your luck outside: AstraZeneca-COVID-19 (UK), Sputnik V, EpiVacCorona (made in Russia), CoronaVac, BBIBP-CorV, Convidicea (all made in China), Covaxin (India), JNJ-78436765 (Netherlands). So here you have it: your top ten, ladies and gentlemen.

I am choosing something that I can pronounce, and it's not outdated. Look, people, we are in 2021. Why would I jab myself with an expired 2019 version? Also, I'm not too fond of the numbers on the other choices. How am I going to remember when I go to the clinic to get my self-shot? Please give me a booster of 765 something-something?

I am not a racist, duh, but I will not go with anything produced in China. They put Coronella in charge, so that's a NO!

What can I spell out? Sputnik, yes, sounds like Vodka Absolute and Covaxin. I am sticking with Sputnik, it's easy to remember, and it's from Mother Russia with love. I am staying away from Covaxin because of the CO in it - it reminds me of you know who, and the XIN rings a Beijing in my head, so Sputnik stays to go with me through space.

Oh, I forgot I am in Canada, so my choice is limited between those three from our northern neighbor, talking about copy-cat, meow! Man, no original bone in this country! Please, somebody, bring me a Rasputnik, oops, I mean Sputnik! My treatment to this craziness: Nurse an Absolute, please!


 


Chapter 94
Copycat

By Iza Deleanu

Copycat! Meow, meow, vivat la stupidity! Our Prime Minister it's a wonderful imitator. The Union European decided to approve the vaccination passport for international travels, and he thinks it's a good idea for us, too.

The idiot said today that he believes it is not necessary for now, if you are flying from one province to another. Duh! Flash news! Musiu Stupido, in this case, the only ones that can travel are the critically ill and people over 75 years old and guess what, even for those we are not sure if they have the first dose done.

In the States, the mummy said that the entire population would be vaccinated by the end of May 2021. Here, if we are good and behave in our dear Canada, maybe at the end of June, we will receive the first dose and the second one, maybe next... year?

Miss Coronella, do you know when my turn is. Ah, you don't know? I wonder where I can see the date for my age group.


Chapter 95
Bacardi

By Iza Deleanu

It's funny, now the sun is up, and people want to enjoy nature, and Miss Coronella is waiting at the corner with Judas's kiss. Please wait for it, and they are going to rush us one more time in our prisons. Get behind the door and enjoy the beautiful weather from your balcony.

By now, you have experience with how to play by the rules. Right boys? Coors and steaks, and get smoky from your wonderful all exclusive resort, el Balcony. I never thought that I would enjoy watching all the TV commercials with a background in an exotic place. You know the Bacardi, Tropicana, Bounty filmed in Paradise. Yeah, I can feel the mist of that crystal clear water from that Hawaiian waterfall and then drinking a Bacardi on a white sun beach and taking a swim eating a Bounty. My mind wanders in that perfect realm.

Oops, sorry to break it to you. You are sunbathing on your balcony, drinking cheap beer, and eating a ... protein bar. We had 7 degrees, and even myself, the most conservative bear, I become Canadian, and I wear a T-shirt, me, who wears one only if it`s forty degrees. Coronella, look at me! You changed me completely. I am one of the masses that live under the spell of these cheap tricks. I wonder how would a Bacardi taste like? The first time I get a chance to step out of my balcony, I will go and taste one for real. Mmm, I am pretty sure that the real thing can be drunk only on a Caribbean beach, under the kiss of the hot sun.


Chapter 96
Leftovers

By Iza Deleanu

I don't know how other countries are, but thank God for America. You know Canada, the bla, bla, blah super-developed country that since was hit by Coronella, is doing everything in its power to copy and paste its neighbor. Well, copy and paste but in its own version. Since we have such a speaking "moistly" Prime Minister, our dear country is on the run for the best guinea pig in the world.
The Prime announced last year that he bought enough doses for all Canadians and that we will be vaccinated by the end of March of 2021. But it is the middle of March, and they are just starting the sixty-five wave.

In theory, we have all three vaccines, but in practice, the only one they gave us is the defective one, the AstraZeneca. As far as I know, this vaccine was stopped everywhere globally, but our Prime said it is safe to take it because it's made in India. I am not a scientist, but aren't they using the same recipe for fabrication? Just a thought.

If all the people that received the vaccines in other countries are getting the second dose after 21 days, we are getting ours in four months. The rumors said that you are not safe until the second shot. Hmm, I wonder if there is an expiry date between the shots: something like if you don't get your second dose in time, the first one was done for nothing.

If in the States they started to vaccinate the population from 65 years old and up, in Canada to show the Americans that we are better, we raised the stake to 75 years and up.

The European Union voted the Vaccination Passport if you want to travel around, and our copy-cat said, yup, it's a good idea, let's do it. In Europe, people from other countries were put in quarantine for 14 days in special buildings. After one year, our Prime came up with the brilliant idea that you should quarantine for three days in a hotel governmentally approved and close to the airport if you are coming from outside Canada.

Now, we can't say he is not supporting the Canadian economy and tourism. How much is a night? Try an all-inclusive trip to Mexico for a week at a five-star hotel. The difference is that you get three nights to stay with crappy food and lousy service. Yup! This is your punishment for daring to travel outside Canada.

Now let's get back to the charity case. Our neighbors, the Americans, offered our Prime, and he gladly accepted all the AstraZeneca doses that they want to get rid of it because they are near the expiration date, and why not close a deal with us. American life is more precious than Canadians, so yeah, sell them to us; we'll take it! Is it safe right? The vaccine is made in India.

Author Notes Speaking moistly is the new term coming from our Prime Minister: "https://www.facebook.com/moistonline/videos/happy-canada-day-speaking-moistly-lyrics-by-justin-trudeau/275013857152344/"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-E_UITgBizg


Chapter 97
Am I right?

By Iza Deleanu

Mad, I am so mad. How stupid they think we are? One week ago, the idiot Mr. Stupideau was saying that is okay to have your second dose of Astra-Zeneca after four months!

Today, sorry folks, the experts are saying that the dose to be efficient must be taken after twenty-one days and no later.

Last week he was saying that Astra-Zeneca will continue to be injected even if other countries stopped it. He feeds us a bullshit-frappe made in India, aka safe for Canadians. Chai, anybody?

Safe how? Is the vaccine going to recognize that it's injected into a Canadian arm, so it better behave and kiss the "bottom" because another million of East-Indians will migrate here.

If you were me, would you trust the government and the health authorities when they are feeding you contradictory lies every day?

Old tricks for new thrills. And let's not forget when the lies are getting out of control everything can be solved in the usual Canadian way: half-muffled apology.

If this was happening back home, they will be shot on spot!

Europa just announced that is seizing immediately the export of Pfizer.

The Prime declared: have no fear our dose is in the clear! Yup, it's in the clear. We don't have any doses, oh wait, it's invisible.

The big question is do I trust this vaccination campaign with so many flaws?

Hell no!


Chapter 98
Take a hike

By Iza Deleanu

Ha, ha, ha the shitty federal government finally broke down.

"Dear citizens, we are happy to announce that we decided to cease indefinitely the vaccination with Astra- Zeneca. Until we find out which one of the other options are shipped, please sit tight and wear your masks! Ah, and don't book any trips, it's not safe. Just stay home. This pandemic will be ending soon...like in seven or eight years."

I guess it's okay to be fooled by the stupidity that put Canada on the international market, you know the sexy playboy from the Maple House, ladies and gents let me introduce you to Justin Beaver, oops I meant Justin Trudeau, your Astra-Zeneca warrior and knight in shinny-armor."

After drinking for several months chai I meant getting poke with Astra-Zeneca made in India, don't you know the miracle vaccine that supposedly was safer just because was made in Asia and not in Europe.

Today we learned that they have not used any cardamom and spices in their recipe and they followed to the dot the original fabricated in Europe, therefore not safe for Canadians too.

So long suckers, don't worry you are safe you supposed to get the second dose in four months, so by then, it will wear off. So you see no harm down!

We in Canada like to have fun or pardon my French, make fun of our citizens.

Cheers, have a beer and a pipe, and let's all go for a hike...


Chapter 99
Winners and Losers

By Iza Deleanu

Who are the more prominent winners of Cornella's blessings?

Have you ever stopped and asked yourselves who is winning from our sufferings from this pandemic? We'll let's take a step back and enjoy.

It's really economics. If you want to increase your dividends, all you have to do is create a crisis and a fake demand. That is how it appeared the toilet paper crisis, Lysol, masks, gloves, fresh food, and the obedient working class.

Create the scare and chaos, and you will lead the masses with ease. Then there was a time when we were fighting for bare necessities, and we were willing to pay a lot for any mask we could get our hands on it. I know I was there, and I paid fifty Canadians for a N95 mask and ten dollars for a lame box of Lysol wipes.

Then I learned to make my own disinfectant. The crisis for some of us was a wake-up call and made us quite the inventors. We started to make our own masks and cleaning products, we learned to canned foods and went back to cooking at home.

We learned how to cohabitated with our families in confined spaces. States and countries started to bid and bribe the manufactures for those essential goods. Today we have all of these unlimited on the shelves, but the blackmail goes on. We are fighting for vaccines, and the funniest one is that we are not even sure if those shoots are working.

We voluntarily switched places with the lab rats. Well, it's normal for some people to die because of it. Well, it's okay. It's only nine percent. Yup, what's nine percent? If their dear ones are part of that percent, I am sure they will change the song.

We learn new words: lockdown, Covid19, Corona, variants. We even learned how to pronounce complicated words such as Pfizer... Also, we learned how to wash our hands and assets and how to voluntarily shut down and put our lives on hold. We blindly believe their lies: wait another month, and things will go back to normal? Wake up, people. This is the new normal. We are living the dream.

This virus is here to stay, and we need to create our own immunity and resilience.

So who are the losers and winners in Coronella's era?


Chapter 100
The Grim Reaper

By Iza Deleanu

I have a friend who finished medical school, and is doing her first year of practicum at a local hospital. She wants to be a family doctor. Coronella gave her a different path: she is now a contact tracer. Yup, this is one of those new words that make you look smart. In reality, you are just the Grim Reaper, the bearer of bad news.

Oops, we are sorry to inform you, but you are part of a group of individuals exposed to ... Coronella. You are invited to do your test ASAP and isolate accordingly.

If you were scheduled for a vaccine, forget about it! We wish you courage and lots of health. You have two options:" Panic and scream: "Oh, my God, I got it! I'm going to dieeeeeeeeeeeee!" or just relax and take it like a woman. You don't know how? The secret ingredient is calm and lots of planning.

Buy provisions for fourteen days, jump to the pharmacy, and buy all the vitamin C and D you can find.

Good luck with that. I went last night, and there is such a desert on the shelves.

And in the good tradition, don't forget the Lysol and toilet paper. After you bought anything you need, then open the computer and start booking your next trip as a reward after the isolation.

Pour yourself a glass of wine and calmly wait for the second call from the Grim Reaper, this time with the test results.

Damn it! Wrong place, wrong time... but the steak was no mistake. If I make it, I'll go for seconds!

Part of the contingency plan is to call your support group, aka your priest, and request a special prayer for healing. I know it sounds like an exorcism practice, but when a prayer is said from the heart works wonders. I know because I witness miraculous healings.

So don't worry, Ms. Coronella, I will not get scared by the Grim Reaper. The show must go on, so let's say a prayer and move on.


 


Chapter 101
The theory of supply and demand

By Iza Deleanu

It finally hit me. Now I know for a fact that those conspiracy theorists were right. How can you divide and conquer nowadays? Cyberwar and espionage, physical war, yeah, those are overused, and nobody takes them seriously anymore.

So you move to the scariest of all: bio war. In translation, create an artificial pandemic, then pretend there is no cure, then come up miraculously with a sold vaccine to the highest bidder. Really, economics folks, you have a limited supply, and the demand curve goes over the roof. This opens the door for monopoly, which means a few pharmaceutical companies are getting accredited for producing and selling even in the experimental phase.

Now you have two groups of people who desperately sign up for voluntary lab rats and others who don't believe in the cure and refuse to let themselves be jabbed.

Those companies start manipulating the politicians, too, came up with a document that will force the entire population to get vaccinated. And voila, the vaccination passport, the official paper that will allow you to travel freely. .. but with masks, because as any biological weapon, that damn Coronella mutates like CRAZY.

Flash news

Pfizer declared today that we will need to vaccinate every six months to be safe. What the heck? The flu vaccine was done once a year. Something is fishy here, sire!

Second Flash news:

Another of the official ones is in Trouble: Mr. Johnson and Ms. Johnson are in trouble. They might give, among other things, blood clots. Now you have it: two vaccines in the penalty box: Astra Zeneca and Johnson and Johnson.
Finger crossed: who's next Modena or Pfizer?


The damn conspiracists they are so right. The higher powers want
us dumb and ready to get jabbed like lambs for slaughter.


Chapter 102
The waves

By Iza Deleanu

Hm! What the heck do they know? The experts (fake of course) are announcing a fourth wave of Coronella bullshit. Awesome, now I can go swimming... or not! The wizards have looked in the crystal ball and have forsee an increase in the cases of Coronella & Company, coincidence or not, exactly after people got the vaccines.

They are trying to hide their incompetence by spreading panic in the population. Of course the dumbe-stein population agrees with everything that the local governments are saying. Freaking anarchy! They finally got us. The British Columbia government decided to confine the local population to their own cities and introduced road blocks to stop people that are coming from Alberta and other provinces at the border. Same mantra with Winnipeg, Ontario, Quebec, North Teritories. Alberta for now is still a little bit normal, but wait for the dumben-steins to start screaming for full lock down or better said locked in the province.

Why? Maybe they found out that I wanted to go for a short escapade over there to taste the real waves, visually of course.

Maybe you are wondering why there is such an increase in the cases of Coronella & Company. A doctor from Romania said that when you get the vaccine, there is a window "of opportunity" when the body is without defense, somewhere around a week. That is a catch-22!

Also keeping us in the house is not helping our case, because our bodies are not exposed to outside stimuli and is not able to produce a natural mechanism of defense.

When we go outside after being closed in for so many months we are vulnerable. If they don't wake up soon, we will end up killing each other because there are no more resources.

 


Chapter 103
Come to us we give you hope

By Iza Deleanu

I am not sure if you guys heard, but the anti-Coronella vaccination has become an incentive that you can add to your plans for traveling for leisure. Yup, what a pleasure! You get to an exotic country ... to be jabbed. The host is so generous that let's you stay for "seconds".

Curious? Well, Maldives is offering a very interesting health-pleasure package for this summer. "Come to us, we give you the elixir of life, twice! We will give you for free the first vaccine and until you get the second cure, you can enjoy the turquoise water of our beautiful island. So, book with confidence. You deserve a piece of heaven." If I were the marketing agent I would say something in these lines: "Swim with us, with no fuss! Water free guarantee."

Man, if I had the money, I would just do that. Who doesn't want two in one? This is so much fun, that where I am. Here, you get your vaccination and you get to keep the mask!

Jab me and let me free to swim and enjoy the water world. I don't care if after the vaccination I will become a mermaid! My dream will come true: sun and water, so much fun!

Maldives is not the only one. Nevada has already offered this to 55,000 visitors. So, roll the dice, don't think twice!

On the waiting list for the big summer attraction is also Alaska. "Healthy hiking, killing Coronella spiking!"

In the meantime, in Canada! "Take Zeneca and pray it works, because we keep you close... to your homes!"


Chapter 104
To lie or not to

By Iza Deleanu

What the heck, obviously I have no choice but to fake it if I wanna make it. I got the age, but not the right condition. Damn it, where it's an asthma attack when I needed it.

Surprise! I decided to become part of the sheep team and get vaccinated. My choices are: Astra Zeneca and damn it, Astra Zeneca with a squeeze of maybe Pfizer...

In Canada, we do things differently. If you want to avoid Astra with age limitations you need to have one of the following conditions: Asthma, heart problems, autoimmune problems (apparently my missing thyroid it's not part of the problem), cancer, chemotherapy... Do you feel me?

My doctor recommended verbally Moderna that is available at 55 pharmacies in Edmonton. So here stars the booking game. The first pharmacy is out of stock and offered me a possible spot on the waiting list under the rubric "Maybe" because I don't have the right age and no underlying conditions.

On the second trial of booking online this time, with the pharmacy, I got a spot for the 3rd of May. Strange they have not sent me a confirmation, so I decided after waiting for two hours for that, to call them just to be on the safe side of the " simulation".

Yup, my suspicion confirmed. My request for an appointment didn't go through. So, because I am an idiot after I got my appointment for the 5th of May, five pm I asked if I need to bring proof of my fake Asthma condition.

Wrong move! They checked me in the system and there was no medication for my condition.

Freaking busted! Then tried my second card which is true. I said that I'm working for the police, they said that I need to bring proof. Thank God, I have an ID card that says police. Please pray for me so I can sneak through.

It's funny, right, I finally decided to get vaccinated and it's not so easy how they advertise it.

If I will make it, my second dose will be in September, maybe?


Chapter 105
Jabbed

By Iza Deleanu

Hurray, I got freaking jabbed. I didn't really want it and I prayed to God to give me every excuse to escape le needle, but it didn't worked. I was so tired of being bullied at work because I didn't have my vaccination. So, yesterday I called my Boss and asked her nicely to stop discussing my vaccination situation in meetings. First of all the medical affair is my own business, and second we are in Canada so you get jabbed when you are qualified. We are not in America where everybody is welcomed with a Margarita and a steak after the jab, or in Romania where you get three shots at every corner.

Then, gracefully I shared my screen and showed her the Alberta government site that shows that the jaba-jo business stops at 1971, since I am not a fossilize-r like her, I needed to wait for my age group somewhere... August, maybe?

The only one in the  free range category is Astra Zeneca which was not recommended for moia, because I am a female and not good for my Thyroid condition. So I started doing my research, and went to see my doctor who has strongly recommended Moderna. Yup, I preferred the "third eye", than being a Pfizer modified homo sapiens if you know what I mean. There are some funny posts on Facebook about the side effects of different vaccinations in the near future, so Moderna is my preferred choice.

You know me, I am a charming kitty, so I got a letter from my doctor that strongly recommends Moderna. Then I went on the provincial website for Coronella. Kudos to them: you can select the vaccine by city and type of vaccine. I found out that there are fifty three pharmacies in Edmonton that are offering currently Moderna in the province. So I started calling left and right and see if I could fool the system and jump the line. I know it's not nice, but let's not forget I am working with a bunch of freaks, so in my defence I used this as an "argument".

On the first call; I was honest I told them that I have a thyroid condition aka eighty percent is gone. Surprise, I am not medically qualified to go under that line; if I had asthma, cancer, heart attack, diabetes... I could sneak in. Well, thanks to God I don't have any of that. To tell you the truth I will not compromise my health just to get the vaccine. There must be another way to get in the "privileged circle".

For the next one, I played the cheating game: I told them that I have Asthma. The bastards checked my medical records and there was no inhalator on my medication list. I told the pharmacist that I got the inhalers from the doctor, which was not a lie. I got them for my cold, but I never used them because I am too chicken to try "new things" so I just suffered in silence. So it was a nay and a spot on the waiting list for a maybe later alligator.

On the third one, I told them that I am working for the Police. I am working, well not as a Police Officer, but civilian, but what the hell; for once the Police card should bring me some "justice". I explained that I deal with files for the court, half-truth; I might have occasionally files like this, but not on a daily basis. Anyway, they bought it and asked me to bring an ID that proves that I work there. Finally, some light, because I do have an ID. Hurray, for waiting for a few hours when I got hired to get this precious door opener.

So, today I got the jab and nobody asked me about any proof. I guess God blindsided them, or my kitty and giggly personality won the pharmacist over, that he forgot about that small thing. The other explanation is: we live in Canada and they believe anything you say, eh?

I just think that God shielded me to spare me the grief of being bullied, so now I am officially genetically modified and I see everythingggggggggggg! Side effects? Well, I slept like a baby after the shot which was welcomed since I have not closed an eye since Saturday. Damn it, Ms. Coronella, you made me be part of the sheep, welcome to equality. Man, I am microchipped! The second shot? Remember August? Yup, that's when I will get it around twenty-four, of course if I will not get it first in Romania, since I pray to be able to visit at the end of July.

For now, we have been "blessed" with a third wave and we went back in full locked-down! Go figure! So just pray, live and be merry and believe in the extraordinary!


Chapter 106
After the jab

By Iza Deleanu

After I got my first jab anti-Coronella yesterday and slept through the day. I woke up today with a running nose, cough, and sneezing pattern.

My worst fear, yup looks like you know what. I'm so mad, I tried to dodge this shot as long as I could because my last vaccine was when I was in grade twelve.

It's funny, I have not had a cold for the entire year, and now I have it compliments of Moderna.

Yup, I'm in self-isolation for 48 hours and if the symptoms persist I have to do that horrible Coronella test.


They are saying that before we feel better, we must feel worse. So don't look at me my eyes are watery and my nose is a nice replica of Rudolph beacon. So, if Rudolph is out of business around Christmas, you know who to call!

So I am exposed for a least a week to any kind of variants. Now, everything is in God's hands.


Chapter 107
Shot in the wing

By Iza Deleanu

After I got shot in my left wing with Moderna, I felt like shit for a week. Today at noon I decided to go out for the first time.


Yup, the sun is the best medicine. Walking for twenty minutes enjoying the green and the sunshine cured my sickness like magic.

No wonder that the authorities are trying to jab us all before the break of summer. They know once the summer is here no more Coronella aka the end of the pandemic and the panic.


Would it be nice to be again your own master without having somebody screaming in your ear: "lockdown, shut down! Our lives matter! Masked up, I find you, restrictions, interdiction, cancellation, manipulation, annihilate, alienation."


This is the current picture in Canada. When the rest of the world it's opening up, we are shutting down. The irony: Canadians are a very docile nation, they willingly sign up for the shot and this still is not enough. The provinces are outrunning each other in conquering the title: the most badass in the Canadians story? They are closing the border in the nose of each other serving us that "cold poridge" that is for your good.


So what if we go crazy? The Federals will say sorry and move on.


A poor woman from Italy got the privilege to get shot five times in her wing. Hm, she is protected now from all future Coronella.


How did this happen? The nurse took out a vial that contained 5 doses of Pfizer from the fridge and six syringes. The woman sat down and trusting entirely offer her wing to get the jab. The nurse distracted plunged the syringe in all five doses and then discarded them in the woman's arm. When the women prepared to leave the torture chair, the nurse noticed the unused syringes and the empty vial.


What do you think happened? Try... Nothing! She apologized in a good Canadian way and said to the woman that if she feels sick to call 911.

So thank you very much and come again.

Author Notes https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/10/europe/italy-six-shots-pfizer-vaccine-scli-intl/index.html
https://calgary.ctvnews.ca/calgary-cancer-patient-says-delaying-her-second-vaccine-dose-is-playing-with-fire-1.5392335


Chapter 108
My other arm-y

By Iza Deleanu

To live or not to live with Coronella? You live if you are lucky and your body and spirit  are strong. Funny not so funny fact, the day I got my shot of "Tequilla with a slush of Moderna" in my left arm, one of my best friends received horrific news.

"Congratulations, Sir, you got yourself some Salmonella, oops pardon me, some Coronella."

The funniest part is when you get Coronella, you don't get the presidential suite, but the almighty basement. Sick and with no view. How do your dear ones expect you to happily recover when you don't even see the sun.

Coronella thrives in darkness. Depressed and alone, isolated in a black hole, you and God having a conversation and making promises if you make it, you will take it, that cup and believe again.

Last night was the worst. They had to call 911, so he ended up in the hospital for investigation and artificial feeding, you know that holy grail of IV.

He came home around 5.30 pm exactly when I was preparing for my workday. I am grateful that his wife kept me posted. We are all from the same city in Romania and we met in Canada.

Now, let's go back to my other story. As I was saying I got jabbed in my left-wing, and today by default or maybe based on sympathy, my right one started to hurt exactly on the same spot. Go figure!

The human body is a mystery.


Chapter 109
What's your status?

By Iza Deleanu

Since Coronella hit us in 2019, we re-learn the game of hierarchy and anarchy. Tic, Tock here comes Coronella and makes the entire globe to "worship her' by declaring it a global pandemic.

Then came her brothers and sisters, the variants that started a wave of hate towards different countries: Brazil, England, India... Please, anybody else waiting to conquer the world?

So what's my status, bro? I am inessential or unessential, so I must stay inside and obey the rules. Even the ones that are essential are not praised as they are supposed to be. Look at your grocery workers, delivery drivers, postal workers, etc.

The only ones officially recognized are the doctors and nurses. Yeah, we know without them will be a disaster.

I am so sad that my spiritual life has been eradicated. The churches are closed. We have been reduced to bare necessities: eat, sleep, and rest. You know the flow. We live day by day, waiting on the governments to give us the green light to be us again.

I am lucky. I have my room where God is welcomed, and he guides me and comforts me in these times where my roots are bleeding. My family is on a different continent, and I pray for the restriction to be lifted. I even took that hateful shot to be with them, and still, my travel lies under a big question mark.

So what's my status? Sunny with a little bit of clouds. Oh, sorry, my status is vaccinated and on lockdown!


 


Chapter 110
Letters to C

By Iza Deleanu

Dear Coronella, I know you  for almost a year and two months, not in person, but as a pen pal.

In the beginning, it was fun to have a Chinese friend, but when you started to take over my world, the fun was gone.

The first point to you was when you kicked me out of my cushion world; when things were so and so, but I was too tired to overthink.

When you dropped me at home indefinitely I started to see the reality. I knew that my life was not perfect and most of the times I was living based on a hunch.

You brought me clarity: my marriage it's a freaking compromise, two people stuck in something that the government calls it marriage, but deep down we know it's just a facade.

I'm staying in because of a religious belief, and you my dear husband because of convenience.

So, yeah dear Coronella thank you for opening my eyes.


Chapter 111
Letters to C...

By Iza Deleanu

Dear Coronella, you opened my eyes. When I was going to work I was too carefree and missed the part of pretending. I always consider my coworkers as my family. We used to do lunches, dinners, and birthdays together, but all it was pretend.

It's been more than over a year and the evil got the better of us. We can't stand each other anymore. In meetings, we shout and we jump to the wrong conclusion.

I'm tired, so I will choose the silence. What's the point to talk when nobody listens? What's the point of diligently doing your job when nobody cares?

I know I'm saying this, but I need to convince myself that I will stay faithful to this schedule, but I know that I can't. My belief in God's justice will make me gave my one hundred percent daily.

I will try to pray every day and ask you to help me carry this cross. You kept me away from this bad friend. Now like it or not I have to write to you. Maybe one day, you will write me back and tell me why have you choose to come here. Until then, take care, Ms. C.


Chapter 112
The back line workers

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Today in one city from Alberta was the recognition day for the front-line workers. Well, we have only one category officially recognized and have not changed for the past two years: doctors and nurses.

No matter if the lines have been shuffled, this category is still top liner and they are treated like a cult.

It's very clear to me that nobody else can even come close to their fame. I'm not sure about the quality of the medical personnel in your countries, but in Canada, you can add them to the Shanaya Twin list of:"You don't impress me much." I mean, in normal times you don't get to see a specialist because your age group should not have that disease.

What is the Canadian doctor champion of? The Canadian doctor it's the Master of Rejection and Avoidence.

Here it's an example. My friend who got Covid two weeks ago and attempted to get treatment after calling the magic number 911 was sent home unceremoniously. Motif: my friend had no underlying health condition and he can magically heal in his basement. My friend was so weak he could not stand on his feet and even lost consciousness a couple of times.

One week after the family called again for help. The diagnose: "Oops, we are so sorry your lung capacity is 60% gone and you have a nasty pneumonia. But don't worry, you have no other condition, you will be fine."

So, my beef with you Mr. Hero, and the bull shit front-line worker is: why the heck you didn't treat him the first time and sent this back-line worker home to get worse?"

And I don't buy the refrain that the hospitals are full, because they are not. He stayed by himself in a room with five empty beds.

My friend is at home now and is still fighting to get his health back.

Another brilliant example of the Canadian competence and love of "avoidance." The woman that got blood clots after the jab with Astra Zeneca. Like any normal citizen, called the magic number and the lovely doctors send her home because it's a normal reaction to the vaccine. So, poor woman trusting the system docile went home and died in peace."

I wonder if they kept her under observation could've they saved her?

So hero my foot!

Let me be the invisible back-line worker that doesn't kill with indifference and cares for real for the human lives. I did my job, even if I don't believe in this vaccine. I took the jab for you who believes blindly in the system.

Wake up and break this experiment, do your job and except no lies. We are living blindsided.


Chapter 113
Second treats

By Iza Deleanu

I'm in for seconds. Yey! Or Yucks! Man, I never felt so dumb in my life and so powerless. I am about to commit the sin of going against my instinct and freedom of choice. People, on 8th of June I am in for seconds, a second jab of the freaking and hateful Moderna. Mom, I am taking this cup for you, because I miss you and I really want to see you.

The last time I was in your tender and caring arms was on 18 October 2019, at my dad's funeral. I was the dutiful daughter that charmed her work place for a legal compassionate leave. That week was the weirdest week of my life. My dad gone to a place where I can't seek his advice, a place where I can't follow and he can't hear me. It's been almost two years, since you've been begging me to come back. God is my witness that I have tried to come last year in June. One week before my departure KLM shot me in the wing and left me anchored in the sad reality of being stuck here far away from you.


This year, let's hope we have a better shot. So for you I am going now to take the second jab in my left winggie. I don't believe in this vaccine and it's against my rebellious nature, but you are the best and deserve the best. So, I will close my eyes and take this bitter drink for better or worse.

I am just hoping if this meant to harm me, it will not affect me because immediately after I will take some holy water and ask the priest to perform an exorcism, you know for just in case and to be on the safe side. Anyway my only consolation: I'm too old to have kids, and if I get cancer, well this is such a cliche thing... better die young, than sorry:)

I am taking this shot, so I can fly. I know it will not make any difference, because I will still have to wear a mask, I will still have to do a test before embarking on the plane, and also take the quarantine when I am back like a pro, in a "federally bribed hotel". All of that "all-inclusive governmentally enforced vacation" will be on my own money and time. Let's hope they don't fire me on account of my having missed work because of this "treat." 


Dear mom, I am doing all of this for you. And if they piss me off, I might decide not to come back. I know your grandcats will not like that, but what can I do? They can go to hell with their stupid rules that have no logic. I am tired of idiots that are forcing my hand and pushing me against the wall.

Dear mom, just in case if I don't make it: I love. I am going in for seconds, wish me luck!


Chapter 114
Les trois rivieres

By Iza Deleanu

It's hot now, so no more complaints about the weather, but are we happy? Nope, it's too hot, it's too je ne sais quoi?

It's 2021 A.C., aka after Christ was born,  and with His Grace, we can proudly say we are almost there. It was a hard swim, but we kind of made it half... and a half! First, we swim into that unknown ocean called Coronella, after we tried some of her variants, and no like it or not we get baptized in the holy vaccination rivers.
In Canada for that purpose, we had Les Trois Rivieres: Moderna, Pfizer, and Astra Zeneca.

In the meantime, Astra was eliminated and now you can get "baptized" only in the first two.

It will be interesting to see what mutation will come up from this marriage. This time I will witness this firsthand. My hubby got the first shot with Astra and he is getting the second one with Pfizer. It's this safe? Our Stupideau is saying: "yup, it's safe, take it with no fear, now you'll have a tail and whatever it's the side effect from Pfizer!"

I am not a doctor, but really, can you combine a classical vaccine with an RNA vaccine? I will say nooooooooo! A couple of months ago, the same federal government was proclaiming left and right that is okay to do the second shot in a couple of months, but on the first of June 2021, they changed their mantra and asked us to take the second jab as soon as possible.

Why are we combining the vaccines now? The answer is very simple: there is no Astra Zeneca available in Canada, so those people who got vaccinated a couple of months ago, like my husband and need the second shot they have to compromise and take whatever is available. He will have to trust and get on with the program!


 


Chapter 115
The second jab

By Iza Deleanu

The mother fortune Coronella made me do it, yup. I got my second jab and the second day I felt like dodging the bullet.

It's funny how everything can be so deceiving. I got my shot on the 8th of June at 4 p.m. The first sign: immediately after the jab I felt my arm on fire.

I came home energized and in fact, I went to bed around 1 a.m., but in the morning all hell broke loose.

I started to work around 6.30 a.m., at the beginning I started to feel a little bit dizzy, but by 7.30 a.m my feet and hands were super cold and the rest of my body on fire. That second dose of Moderna got the best of me. My body gave up. I felt so sick and nausea kept playing with me.

I couldn't take it anymore,
so I texted my boss to tell her that I need to go and try to rest for half an hour. She asked me if I wanted to take the day off. Gratefully, I accepted.

I was lying on the bed and praying to God to take that feeling of illness away and put me to sleep. I finally dozed off. At 8.30 my Boss called me and asked me to send the nurse an email with my symptoms.

Like bloody hell, woman, you know how I feel, why don't you let me catch my breath, the damn protocol can wait.

On all  fours I dragged myself to the desk and with my head in my hands, I initiated the login protocol. When your head weighs a ton, it's so hard to focus and have a successful login. I missed twice... Finally, the third time was a charm. Usually, after the third, you are out and only IT can put you back in business.

Once I was in, I composed a nice email, gave it for correction to my faithful secretary - Grammarly, and pressed the send button and of course cc-d, my boss.

My email ended with a pleading for medical advice.

I waited in front of the computer for a few minutes until the "advice" came back. Here it is:" put a cold compress on the burning arm, take Tylenol every four hours, and for nausea gravol. If in 48 hours the symptoms don't go away, then go for a Covid test. Don't worry these are normal side effects." I thanked both of them and logged off. Normal my foot! It supposed to be zero side effects on the second. At least this time there were different side effects, so I can't complain that the effects are boring.

After I rigged my medicine cabinet, gravol yes, Tylenol- no way, Jose. I asked my husband to go and buy Tylenol. God knows, I specifically asked him for Tylenol for headaches and not for the cold. In the meantime, I shoveled two aspirins on an empty stomach and dragged myself to bed carrying victoriously the bag with ice covered in a kitchen towel.

I started moving that bag of ice around all my burning areas from my body. I asked also for orange juice, Tropicana preferably.

Finally, after an hour, my husband came back with two liters of Tropicana and Tylenol... for cold and flu!

I was afraid to try that Tylenol, so I said pass to it. The last thing I wanted was another complication because of the wrong medication.

I just gave up and took my martini, aka orange juice to bed. That day I ate nada! If you wanna lose some kilos, honestly what you need to do take a second shot of Moderna.

You will get two in one: the jab anti-Coronella and free enrollment in the loss weight program conducted by Doctor Modernella.

 


Chapter 116
What now?

By Iza Deleanu

I was thinking after I am fully vaccinated I am going to live in Paradise. But, there is no difference! I still have to wear the damn mask. I still have to wait for the rest of the globe to get their jabs. I don't know how long the world is going to play this dumb game of dancing to Coronella's tunes.

Today, I almost got a heart attack, KLM sent me a message that my flight was cancelled. Like what the hell, not again! Now what? The reason: Coronella spread? Like how? Europe was the first one to jump on the jab, and they even made it mandatory not like here, if you want to , we will get you!

Original flight booked in February: Edmonton-Amsterdam-Bucharest 31st. of July to 31st of August. After I had a fight with my boss, that I need to fly for my mental well being, now I need to go through this again. KLM changed my returned flight from August 31st to 2nd September. How the hell I am supposed to convince my Boss for the extra days? The scary part is that I have no guarantees that will stay this way. There is one month left until my departure, and all hell can break loose.

I ran out of vacation, and my charming face is tinted by Modernella. With my two vaccines I still need a PCR test to travel and because my vaccine were done in pharmacies, which are considered by the local government private, my immunization records is not official. Heil freaking Mary! Will my receipt from the pharmacy be enough as proof of the jabs?


Chapter 117
Letters to C-21

By Iza Deleanu

Today I talked to my friend, who got her second shot of Pfizer and finally the post-traumatic shock I felt with my first jab, got to her. Now she understands that actually there is a reaction and this vaccine is not a jab, pardon me, a walk in the park.

She is complaining about excessive tiredness and severe headache. The first one for her apparently was a walk in the park.

I guess Ms. Coronella, the manufacturer should put a warning label for the vaccine. Each eager person to take any of the offered vaccines should play a game of paper scissors because you don't know what you'll get as side effects after the shot.

Dear C., congrats you made me do something I don't believe in. And I have some good news, I finally got rid of that tiredness, sneezing, coughing, and nose running that I got as a bonus after the first jab.

Also, the side effects this time lasted only a day. Hurray!

My coworkers were surprised to see me back to work, online of course, so soon.

I told them, if I feel good, why should I pretend I'm sick, I prefer to earn my keep.

You know there is a line in the Bible that says, who doesn't work shouldn't eat.

Dear C, you know working nowadays it's a privilege. I feel complete only when I work. I have you to thank for infusing some scare into my optimism and showing me, that I'm not the master of the Universe.

I had to step up hardly on the breaks, when I realized that the sky is not the limit, but my apartment....

You made me reconsider what's important in my life. Every little thing that I thought I can't live without went down the drainer.

La familia shifted its importance and impact on me, and for more than 365 days it's the number one on my chart.

I can't wait to see my family and tell them in person, that they are my rock. Thank you, C.


Chapter 118
Short lived

By Iza Deleanu

Oh, no I am back on track! My cough, sneezing, and nose running are back on business.

After my second jab, I thought that I made progress, but yesterday I went back to work... in person.

Then I come back and it started again. Please don't use the word allergies in my presence. We are in full summer here, so no reason for using this cheap excuse.

It all started with my first shot of Moderna of fifth of May 2021. I was "among those people that in the western world are called the privileged class", because I got a taste of the anti-Coronella vaccination. I paid dearly for this privilege. Side permanent effects: coughing, sneezing and an "emotional nose", that cries non-stop. Thanks God we don't have a Bounty crises like the one for the toilet paper last year. I guess one role a day will keep the nasty running business away.

My poor trash can feels disgusted. Yup, I have to sanitized it anytime I am getting rid of that nasty Coronella bug.

Now I am really scared. My husband just dropped a bomb on me, it's called Delta, aka the Indian variant, who apparently it's just like my sidekick.

I must do some research and I wonder how long can you go with this? Can you stay in limbo forever? When is this going away? I guess I will find out when I will do my PCR test before my journey in July.

For now, I am opened to any remedy just to be sneezing and nose-run free.


Chapter 119
Son of a...gun

By Iza Deleanu

Son of a gun! Give me a gun I will shoot Coronella and freaking mother fortune, the all Mighty KLM, down!

Not again! You will think after we took the leap of faith and got vaccinated we will go back to normal!

No way, Jose! KLM it's playing on my nerves, again. My flight changed four times already! Now I'm flying from Calgary and it's my problem how to get there. A one-way ticket on West Jet is 200 Canadians and it's no guarantee that I will catch the international bullshit flight.

So far my ticket it's more expensive than gold, I'm reaching level two thousand, already.

I have tried to call them and after 3 rings I got disconnected. Now I'm on the phone waiting for some human to pick it up... the call I mean. It's been already hours and nothing.

I have one month left for my departure, will I make it? Will I be canceled again?

Son of the gun, give me a gun to shoot this bullshit down!

Word of advice: scratch KLM from your list, because is the worst airline ever!


Chapter 120
Get a life!

By Iza Deleanu

First of July 2021, Coronella got her ass kicked out of Alberta. The Wild Rose country become the first province to lift up all the restrictions, hurray and I'm keeping my fingers cross for Alpha, Beta, Zeta, and bloody Delta to stay out of my business!

Yes, sire! Stay out and let me enjoy the scorching weather. My only concern are the wildfires, otherwise welcome to Romania. This is how I remember my summers plus 47 with a melting feeling of becoming one with the asphalt.

Let me tell you, something people, are hypocrites! Until now they were crying to end the lockdowns and the masks, and now they put an end to it and screamed put them back.

In my opinion, if they want to stay in lockdown and walk sweating with a mask, go for it!


Chapter 121
Truce?

By Iza Deleanu

2021, July - fire and Corona, pardon me Coronella. Canada is under fire - man made and nature made and in the process innocent lives are lost.

There it's also an international fire going on between North America and the World Health Organization.

CDC and WHO are in a constant fight for power and are hurting us in the process.

Today they announced that combining the MRNA vaccine it's not a good practice. The Canadians and Americans are assuring their population that is fine.

Who should I believe? And here comes Pfizer demanding the third jab? I wonder why? Have they produced too much of the magical concoction for the developed countries that they want us volens-nolens to be part of their experiment.

I can just see their shareholders screaming: "I wanna be rich! Boost the suckers with one more!"

In the meantime, the third countries are still waiting for whatever shot they can get!


Chapter 122
Segregation

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

"Now ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please! My name is Virusela aka Coronella, an international sensation and I'm here to introduce you to a new law."

Is the crowd raging: "You? You again? When will you get your ugly ass and the Greek alphabet out of our lives?"

"Mmm, try never! Until you fools don't get your jabs for fun, I'm here to stay. Look at Hungary, now they are taking the third dose. You want to travel try a scrabble without jabber you're here to stay! And you think old Europe is going to welcome you with open arms? Try Norway, they will not allow you to step one inch on their gorgeous cruise line, even if you are vaccinated, because they don't like the scramble-gamble of combining vaccination. What can you do? Suckers! They follow ad-literam the World Health Organization instructions: no combination for the human nation."

Somebody from the crowd screams with exciment: "Yey, finally good news. I can go on that cruise on my own. My hubby it's an Astro-Zenaca-Pfizer Troll."

Coronella: "Yeah? Good to know, that I can make some people happy with my little experiment."

The crowd screaming: "Leave us alone, witch."

"What? You have not heard? Europe doesn't give a " shite" about your human rights. If you want to travel to Malta you need shots, and not of Tequila. When they hear America, Europe is saying: Yankees stay home!"

"We don't care! We are Americans! We are the center of the universe!"

"Hey, works for me. That's why I choose you, the more you refuse my experimental treatment, the more of you will take the trip of no return."

"This is outrageous! Do you think the world will segregate us between vaccinated and non-vaccinated?"

"Duh! Feel that shit! Vaccinated people matter!"


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