By Iza Deleanu
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I always wonder what my life will be as a retiree. I still have lots of years to go, and in the current economic climate I am not even sure if I am going to make it to that golden age ? What can I do? Nothing, just enjoy life to the fullest. Of course, all will be possible only if I will keep my sanity and wits and some coins to save me from misery.
When I go to my trips - for each I end up, paying for years - I am always jealous of those old couples that seems to be the life of the party. How the heck they do it? I am grumpy all the time, and even when I'm supposed to relax and enjoy the view, I always end up think about … what if? What I will do tomorrow? What if I lose my job, how am I going to make it? Are all the people my age living this horror story?
I look at my husband who peacefully sleeps by my side, he just lives! I wish to be like him and che sara, sara. He must have figured out retirement already. Or he was born lucky, he was born without what if. Maybe this is a women thing. We can’t rest in peace, even when we get sick. We are burning with fear and in our delirium, we scream "what if!"
The other day I went to the doctor's to complain and to ask for some medicine against what if. The doctor listened to me patiently, but I was looking into his eyes, and felt that he was laughing inside his mind. Probably he was listing all the available psychiatrists in the area and wondering in the same time what to write as a reason for my visit to his office. Is there a syndrome for what if, discovered by the modern science? I interrupted his reverie and asked innocently:
“So doctor, what should I take to get rid of the what if disease?"
Without thinking the doc said:
” You need lots of sun and rest for 365 days.”
What? I live in Edmonton, remember? Half of those 365 days are spent without sun, in the dark and covered in snow. And with what money? What if I am taking time off to recover and I am fired.
How I am going to retire?
| Author Notes | This morning I got this idea to write a fiction and funny book about retirement. I am ages away from this, but is O.K to worry about. As usual thank you for reading and for pointing out the grammatical errors. English is my third language so is far away from perfection. |
By Iza Deleanu
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I am always amazed by how we humans think.
When we are young, and we want to have a family and comfort we always chase after the next big thing: bigger car and a bigger home, big, big and biggggggggg. Then when we get past our fifties we start thinking in reverse: the house is too big for two people and a cat; the cars are too big, and we feel discomfort driving and especially parking in these tiny new wave spots. We look back and say:
” What the hell we were thinking with this huge house. How are we going to clean it and pay for the repairs?”
Then we start thinking, maybe we should downsize, get a one bedroom appartment. But heck, how are we going to fit our life in one room?
Nope! There are too many memories to pack in it's too much trouble ? Let’s move on and we will figure it out in a couple of years.
In the meantime, the mortgage is killing our appetite and forget about travels! We are going to enjoy this luxury when you retire? Maybe ? “Upstairs”? If we were a good kids if not we will have one hell of a vacation! After all the dream was always a hot spot on this globe. Shake it baby and let it… snow?
I am here now and I don’t want to go through this. So, we started small from the beginning: two-bedroom apartment with two cats, no kids. Remember: kids are a luxury now days! Pssst, leave the cats out of this!
One day walking through my neighborhood I saw a retirement home. Damn it! We should have reserved a spot here, because old age lasts longer than youth. I guess if you moved here in your forties you would become used to the idea of living small and being dependent and it will not come as a surprise when you get old and the only thing you can afford is a home away from home on the streets.
I think this is an amazing business idea. Live in a retirement home starting with your forties and you will be in an all-inclusive resort for the rest of your life. You can even have kids here, they must get used to the idea of being old and lonely and in decay!
What the heck am I talking about! I think this is my worst nightmare, I must fear dying alone and not being able to afford a normal life. It’s my fault that I did not consider the retirement section when I was born. Now I am paying for it! So here it’s to you my fellow friend. If you are in your forties go and view a retirement home, move in and leave happily until your last breath. Downsizing is the new fen-shui.
| Author Notes | I am going close to the fifties so I am starting to think about securing my future in a ... retirement home. I heard some horror stories, but sometimes we need to take a leap of faith. Anyway with the declared age of retirement I might be dead before reaching that point... so dream on, Baby! As usual thank you for taking the time to read my story and for the grammar corrections. |
By Iza Deleanu
My husband’s dream of retirement:
| Author Notes | Thank you for reading, and as always any grammar corrections are welcome. If you are curious what is all this retirement fuss about you can take a pick at chapter 1 and 2. There are still some rewards available. |
By Iza Deleanu
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He told me that if I want to retire I need a totl of X years of work combined with Y years of age and you need a total of 78? Seventy what? Holy macaroni! Who is going to live that long? For sure I am not! Too many Cancer signs running in the family… He catches the part with the Cancer and declares:
- No worries, Hon, you are a Virgo, so you are a survivor.
Trying to squeeze some years in I innocently asked:-
- What about my 10 years from back home, do those count towards anything?
- Nope! Your clock started to tick in the direction of retirement in 2009. Since you didn’t get a proper job until 2013, my Love, you will be retiring in your grave…
- Thanks Captain Obvious, and knowing you, you will make me buy it in advance, I mumbled under my chin.
- What did you say?
- I said I will retire in an urn, Sir! The grave it will be too expensive, and I can’t afford that with this financial disaster.
- Well the only chance for you is to win the Lottery.
- Yeah as if I really have luck in that department. The results of playing are the same as my writing: “Try again! This seems to be a non-winner!” I really love the disclaimer part: “Play responsibly.” In other words, stop wasting your money… That’s why the winning the lottery option is your department. I will continue to try my luck in the Writing Department. Who knows maybe one day I will win a contest and start making a living out of it? And then…
- Sure, Hon, dream on, with your English you will win lots of …experience … no money, no island life for you. In the meantime, let me get you a Cuba Libre, it’s minus 40 today so you need to keep your retirement dream … handy.
What can I say, my man is careful with my dreams, he makes sure to keep me in the Oblivion so Cuba Libre and a movie about the island will help me get through the day. But seriously, do I really have to die working? Is there no exotic escape for me? Oh, Brother! No rich relative that I don’t know about it? Oh, Lord, save meeeeeeeeeee!
| Author Notes | This is a new chapter in my book about retirement. The book is fiction in nature, and no hero got a chance to retire yet. If you would like to know more, please read my previous chapters. They are very short and easy to read. As always thank you for taking a chance on this piece, and since English is my third language please help me with the grammar. |
By Iza Deleanu
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_ I want to retire when I am 55 years old. I worked enough for this country and it’s time for me to see some other universities. Don’t give me that look. You know I can afford this.
_ What about me, Hon? I came here in 2009. I don’t have any means to follow your dream. Are you going to let me rot here? I gave you the best years of my life!
_ Of course not, but you need first to pay your debt. I don’t understand how you got 50 000 in debts from 2015 onwards? What the heck? Did you kill ten grand per year?
_ You know when I was laid off from that Oil and Gas company at the end of 2015, my income went down, but my life tyle… didn’t! Then I had to accept jobs that I loved but with shitty pay. And don’t forget that in March 2016 my dad got cancer and I had to help the family with the treatment. Then in October, your mom was visited by Mr. Cancer too. Do you remember all those trips we took to be with them? Europe is 15 hours away, but the plane tickets weren’t cheap. We did this sport for 5 years in a row… every summer until October 2019.
_ But I paid you back.
_ Yes, you did, 100 hundred every paycheque… and I was carrying the debt on my credit card… Did I complain?
_ No, you did not! But still 50 000?
_ Look my dad left us last October and your mom last January, I am not sorry for the money. I am happy that we created beautiful memories. They didn’t feel alone, and they enjoyed every and each of those trips in which we spent time together. Do you remember in the summer in 2016 my dad couldn’t even walk by himself? We took him to the seaside in Bulgaria, and he started walking and eating by himself.
_ Yeah, you are right. He even forgot his cane at the hotel when we left. So, I will make you a deal if I win the lottery I will pay off your debt.
_ And if not, what? Would you leave me behind with the kitties? Would you duck the buck?
_ Of course not! I need you and the kitties.
_ Really?
_ Yes, it will not be fun at all without you and the boys.
_ Ha, you need a secretary, don’t you? You need me to book your tickets and hotels?
_ That too, but we are a family, so we need to stick together.
_ You mean I stick, and you go.
_ What do you mean?
_ Well I will stick with the boys, and you are going to do your professor thing.
_ Yeah for a little bit, and you can do that pretentious writer thing.
_ O.K., Mr. you got yourself a deal. So, start playing.
_ I will start to duck that buck for that bad habit of travelling.
_ No, we can’t duck that buck, because I know this makes you happy and keeps you going on.
_ Just don’t say we will travel when you will win the lottery because I am going to go kamikaze on you!
_ No! I can’t afford this. We will go if we find good deals. Deal?
_ You bet! I really like your retirement plan, as long as we are together, and we will retire together. I feel like singing: “We are familyyyyy…
_ I got all my kitties with me!”
| Author Notes | As usual thank you for reading and for your generous feedback and grammar corrections. This is chapter 5 form my Book of Retirement, which is a collection of short fiction stories about retirement. |
By Iza Deleanu
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.
Dustin aka Sparrow and Hopper aka Dove, these are our boys. I always wonder what goes through their small heads. Hopper is the wise and quiet one. Dustin is smaller and he acts like a baby. He does whatever he wants, whenever he wants and doesn’t give a shit about the consequences. If I only knew… what they think about retirement. Suddenly I just start hearing voices. Wow, my boys are talking.
- Dovie, mom and dad are making plans for an early retirement…
- Man this will be so cool for us!
- Why? Don’t you think is cool now?
- Yeah is cool, but if they retire, we will have all-inclusive service 24 from 24, front desk, ocean view, birdiessssssss, sand man, real sand.
- Yeah, dream on!
- No, bro I am serious. We will not stay at home alone until they come back from work. Every day is going to be week end day! We will have whatever we want just pressing the Meow button.
- And you can use your charm for tips. Right?
- Hey, stop making fun of me. I can’t help it, I like to be loveable.
- Yeah, you like especially when mom tells you to shut up because the neighbors will hear you. Or 2 am in the morning when you and start to kiss her… and she needs to wake up at 5 am to go to work.
- What? It’s not my fault that we are illegal here? Oh, this will be so awesome if they retire in that island that dad was talking about. We will finally be legal and scream our happiness.
- Sparrows wake up man; stop meowing in your sleep. The neighbor is home, so be quiet, you don’t want to make mom cry.
- What the heck, Doves, I was having a retirement dream. I was running on a beautiful beach after birdieeesss and I was doing my business on the freshly washed sand, screaming: ” Mine and mine, and this is mine, too.”
- Come over here and look over the window.
- Okay. What? White sand? But where is the ocean?
- You silly baby, that is not sand that is snow and the ocean…hmm, come over here. Mom is watching the ocean right now.
- Is she?
- Yup, she is watching a documentary about Costa Rica. I heard her telling dad that she is going to start to run a list with possible places for retirement, so she will not be surprised when the times come.
- That means that we are stuck here for a couple of more years?
- Yes.
- And we will still be illegal?
- Yes. You are in Alberta, and I don’t see any time soon that they will change the legislation for us.
- Man this sucks! Why are they not allowing compassionate animals for emotional support in this crazy province. They will cut the cost of medication and stress leave, like that! If I was a minister, I would change this right away. You know in the States and other provinces, they allow moms and dads to have pets for emotional support…
- I know, baby. Why do you think mom cries all the time? She is scared that someone will hear and take us away.
- Take us away? I don’t want to go to foster care or to an animal shelter. We will die there. Okai, Doves, I don’t want all inclusive any more, I want my mommyyyyyyyyy.
- Bro, shut up! Remember what mum said “QUIETTTTTTTT!”
I look at my babies, and I am grateful to God for sending them to me. They come in a moment when I felt that my life had ended, but he sent me two angels to help me.
| Author Notes | This is chapter 6 in the Book of my fictional retirement. Each story talks about different perspectives and points of view about this journey. If you want to have fun and be serious in the same time, please give this book a chance. As always, thank you for reading and for the grammar suggestions. P.S. I am using different versions of the names to show their bond of love and affection. Thank you so much Yvette for the grammar corrections:) |
By Iza Deleanu
As I was sitting on my sofa with my kitties, I suddenly received a phone call:
- Ms. Dreamer you won the literary contest organized by our publisher house, in addition with the money we offer you a 10-year contract and one million dollars for each year of the contract.
- What? Is this joke?
- No, is not! We just like your style and we want to make sure that we will be the chosen company that will take care of your talent.
- Okay, I am flattered but what's the catch?
- You need to travel for one year, by yourself. Just travel and write what you see, of course, using your witty style. We expect one short story per each month describing the places you have been. Does this sound fair?
- Fair? Ma Cher this sounds perfect! When do I start?
- Next week; we presume you need to arrange your affairs before you disappear for an entire year. And the only condition we have is to travel by yourself. We don't want any family distraction
- Sure, that will not be a problem. Thank you.
- We will wire the cheque and the details of the contract and we hope you are not seasick.
- Seasick? No way! I started walking on a boat.
- Excellent. We booked a couple of cruise lines across the globe. We thought this is the only way you can see multiple places and get inspired by the culture and its people. Your expedition will be a little bit different than the usual cruise because you get to spent two weeks in each place. This will give you enough time to get to know the place and write about it. Do we have ourselves a deal?
- Yes, Sir, of course.
In the evening my husband came home, happy I show him the cheque and told him what happened. He is an engineer and the only things he takes for granted are God and the lottery. He thought that this contract sounds like the Devil Advocate contract and I should stay put and retire properly like in.... one hundred years. Before I say good bye to my job I should check to see if the company is legit, because publishers don't spend money on newbies, talent or not!
I stop listening to him. I was so mad, we finally got the opportunity we wanted, and he, as usual, puts me down, that arts don't pay so much. I press the mute button and kept on dreaming: Thailand, Bali, Japan, Norway... And finally, retirementtttttttttttt, no more waking up at 5 am and nodding like an idiot to all the stupid ideas that you know that are not going to work. No More, Yes Man!
Suddenly one of the kitties jumps on my head. What the heck? Was I day dreaming? What is this in my hand? Is this my contract? Oh nooooooooo, is my latest story. Damn it! It's 5 a.m.. Yes, Sir, I am coming Sir. God is so cruel, to send me such a delightful dream and then pull me back to reality. I am so sick, seasick, I am calling in sick. No work for me today, just heartbroken reality. Kitties come to mommy.
| Author Notes | This is a new chapter in the Book of retirement that contains short stories about how the retirement will be or dreaming about it. Thank you for your patience in reading this book and for your grammar corrections. |
By Iza Deleanu
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I told my mom about my intention to retire at fifty. My mom was not surprised, she said that in Romania if you are working for the army, fifty is the max, after the revolution, of course. I mumbled to myself: fifty for the army and one hundred for the respected university professors. These eminent professors are usually leaving for a better world during a lecture. What a wonderful time to be!
What she doesn’t know is, if I retire I am not going to go back full-time to Romania; this not because I don’t want to, but because I need to be here for six months a year, so I can collect my pension. You see, even you want to retire, you can’t cut the strings to Canada. I guess once you become a citizen your bones must stay here no matter what, it is part of the contract. God, is there an exception to this rule? Again, to my mind comes my husband's belief: Win the lottery and you're safe for the rest of your life!
Yeah sure like that money is multiplying by itself!
Anyway, my migration will be the opposite of the usual pattern. The retired people who have the means to live in two countries, leave Canada in the winter and come back in the spring. This local species is called Snow Birds. They have one nest in Canada and another one in USA, Mexico or Costa Rica, yup Costa Rica alias the new El Dorado! I will be the summer bird. I love (freak, not) my winters in Canada! It’s better to be here if a pipe bursts when is minus fifty or any other calamities visits your nest. After all you’ve paid an arm and a leg for this small apartment. It wasn’t my arm or leg per se, that department belongs to my husband.
I love summer back home because is plus forty and I can spend time by the Black Sea or I could take my mom and go to the mountains. Oh, how I wish to be there now: clean air, beautiful views, and faith… like going to the monasteries for spiritual purification.
Fly birdie, the summer is near… Crap I can’t afford this yet! Another item on my bucket List for after...
| Author Notes | All the stories from this book can be read by themselves. As always, thank you so much for your support, and for your grammar corrections. |
By Iza Deleanu
| Author Notes |
Bibliography:
https://www.macleans.ca/opinion/the-retirement-age-in-canada-is-too-low-and-thats-a-growing-problem/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48xlSIXSF4g As usual thank you for reading and please, I know I have lots of grammatical errors, please help me to correct them. I am third hand English writer. I know it might not be horror in the traditional view of the genre, but for me this subject is...horror |
By Iza Deleanu
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Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.
Finally the day of retirement arrived. His wife gave him as a retirement present a list, mandatory in her eyes, but optional for Mr. Big Shoe.
| Author Notes | This is a new chapter in the Book of Retirement. Each story from the previous chapter can be read as a stand alone. As usual, thank you for reading and if you have any grammar suggestions, shoot them my way. I wish you all an amazing day, thank you. |
By Iza Deleanu
George went to his Boss to inform him, that he is ready to make the sacrifice and take the package and leave space for the young millennials to do some work. The Boss happily congratulated him, between you and me, the Boss is going to look like a hero, because "in this bad economy" he just gained a spot in the upper management. The Union is not going to jump on his throat because he didn't respect the seniority bullshit.
The only problem he had was how to break this news to his wife. She had become so used to having a ride to work each morning. "Well, she will have to get used to go to work without me. I will stay home with the boys".
For his voluntary retirement, they will pay him the salary for two years, and then he will get the pension. One morning as he was sipping his favorite Cuban coffee and reading the newspaper, one title caught his eyes - In two years there will be no money for pensions....
George started to breath heavily: "What the hell! No money? What about my dreams, and for what I have worked so hard for forty years?" He started pacing and reading: "The Government has invested the pension funds in a project that was designed to move people to Mars."
George started to scream: "Mars?! We have lots of empty land here, why will they waste our pension funds into a SF project? What about me?"
"George, wake up! Stop screaming, it's time to go to work."
George opened his eyes:" Thanks God, it was just a dream. I love my job! Maybe I should make sure that I have money for my retirement. It's time to save some money outside the official pension. No banks, and no investments, my pillow will be my piggy bank."
His wife gave him the lunatic look; but he didn't care, he knew what he had to do with his money. The dream was a warning!
By Iza Deleanu
Hm! Staying temporarily home because of Covid-19? This is not good for your retirement plan. Why?
Well for starters it just postpones my marvelous escape to at least one year.
Oh, no one more year to play on the "ignoranti" team. We never finish anything, and all the work is postponed until the"illuminati" gives us the Go planet sign! A year where I must be dumb like night, ok, not my expression people.
I hope this will not shorten my life expectancy. Since COVID people that are working from home are acting like in the Zoo Department. No patience, whatsoever to oldies, but goodies like me.
Who knows, maybe they will give me a package, so I don't have to go back and let the youngsters work for once!
I was hoping to go fishing, but I'm in quarantine...quite indefinitely! So, I am practicing safe distancing with a bucket. I am doing a safe fishing method. I have taken my goldfish and I am catching it and releasing every half hour.
I guess this will be the new norm for retirees. Bye, bye the Bahamas! This mommy will be stuck here forever in a reverse mortgage situation...
I hate COVID, it killed all my hopes of having a happy retirement.
By Iza Deleanu
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