By rhonnie69
Hey Kids. Let's clown around.
Meet Miss FUNNY HONEY.
*************************
Roll with the punch lines when the bell ring.
"DING."
This ain't over 'til the fat lady sing.
And she ain't about to sing a thing.
Question:
by...Nosy Rosie.
"What's her name?"
Answer:
"I Haven't A Clue."
by...Ida Know.
By rhonnie69
Funny Honey.
"Pisa's Tower Is A girl."
You.
"What Makes You Say That?"
Funny Honey.
"Her Name Is, Eileen."
| Author Notes | The leaning tower of Pisa is a round marble campanile in Pisa Italy, begun in 1174 and now 16 and one half feet out of the perpendicular in her height of 179 feet. |
By rhonnie69
Shawn
"OW!"
Mom
"Dear me...what can the matter be, son?"
Shawn
"Whose shoes, Mom? These shoes hurt my feet,"
Mom
"That's because you've got them on the wrong feet, Shawn."
Shawn
"But Mom, these are the only feet that I have."
| Author Notes | Mother and child. |
By rhonnie69
Bad boys. Bad boys, whacha gonna do?
Boy: "Hey, guys...let's scoot down to the ball games."
Guys: "We ain't got no tickets."
Boy: "Hey, guys...let's scoot up, to the ball games."
| Author Notes | No tickets. Go pickets. |
By rhonnie69
Mom
"Michael, What are you learning about counting?"
Michael
"A little, I guess."
Mom
"Hmmm, Let's see.
In your left pocket you have a dollar.
In your right pocket you have two dollars.
In your left back pocket you have three dollars.
in your right back pocket you have four dollars.
Add it all up. What do you have, Michael?
"Somebody else's pants."
| Author Notes | "Hey, Mom...didn't you say that your aspirin cost about ten bucks?" |
By rhonnie69
Jack
"My parents grounded me."
Jill
"How come?"
Jack
"For something that I didn't do."
Jill
"Whacha didn't do?"
Jack
"My homework."
| Author Notes | My parents are really school cool. |
By rhonnie69
A Book just Written:
"Journey Across The Desert."
by Rhoda Camel.
| Author Notes | HOT? ...Don't sweat it. NOT? ...You didn't get it. |
By rhonnie69
Little brother:
"Hey, Hard Candy.
How'd you do in your ice skating lessons today?"
Missy:
"Okay...sort of."
Little brother:
"What's the hardest part, Sis?"
Missy:
"The icy floor."
| Author Notes | "Ice skating lessons have their ups and downs." |
By rhonnie69
Mom
"Wendy, did you take a bath?"
Wendy
"Is there one missing?"
| Author Notes | "You don't have to tell the cat that Micky is a mouse." |
By rhonnie69
Jokie
"Hey, Mike. Who is the best secret spy;
in the whole wide world?"
Mike
"I donno. Who?"
Jokie
"Shady Lady."
Mike
"Never heard of her."
Jokie
"See how good she is?"
| Author Notes |
A book just written.
"I.C.U." by Shady Lady. |
By rhonnie69
YES. You may borrow our lawn mower.
NO. You may not leave our yard.
| Author Notes | Friends: How many of us have them? |
By rhonnie69
"Phillip Larson."
"Yes Mrs. Marsden?"
"You cheated on the "Questions-Answers," test. Didn't you?"
"What makes you ask me that, Mrs. Marsden?"
"Because all but one of your answers to the questions,
match Amy's answers word for word."
"SO? There IS, one chance in a zillion;
that that could be a coincidence. No, Mrs. Marsden?"
"Yes, Phillip. But I know that you copied Amy's
work, my dear."
"You really do? You really know, Mrs. Marsden? Honest?"
"Cross my heart, Phillip."
"How? How were you able figure it out, Mrs. Marsden?"
"Because Amy's answer to question number thirteen was,
I don't know. You answered question number thirteen,
"ME NEITHER."
| Author Notes |
This witty quip is an oldie but goody. It's so funny to me; that I just had to share it so that somebody else could fancy a knee-slapping laugh too. LOL.
|
By rhonnie69
Last summer my parents and I went on a picnic.
A funny thing happened that day, that made my parents sick, quick.
Dad left our picnic basket, sitting in the grass.
Then headed for a distant stream, to try and catch some bass.
Mom was in our tent house, resting her eyes.
Without a doubt, we were about, to have a big surprise.
Beneath a jumbo sandwich, of ham, cheese, and rye,
Were more than plenty honeybees, feasting on honey pie.
When the lid was opened, the bees began to buzz.
Mom and Dad did not agree.......
BUT WHAT A FUNNY THING THAT WAS!
| Author Notes | Honey pie, honey bun, picnics can be tons of fun. Hee Hee.... |
By rhonnie69
One day Monday asked
Mr. Rhode Island Red
and
Mr. Potato Head:
"What is your least liked day of the week?"
They both had the same answer.
"Fry Day."
| Author Notes | "Go Green." |
By rhonnie69
Teacher
"Today, girls and boys, we're going to learn about Pirates."
Girls
"Blaaah."
Boys
"Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it, Mrs. Lambkin."
Teacher
"What is a buccaneer?"
Emily...
raising her hand and waving it eagerly.
"I know. I know."
Teacher
"Very well. What is a buccaneer, Emily?'
Emily
"Expensive corn."
| Author Notes | A buccaneer is a pirate, especially one of those who raided Spanish colonies and ships along the American coast in the second half of the 17th century. |
By rhonnie69
Art Teacher
"Cory, if a house is built with red bricks,
will that be a red house?"
Cory
"Yes."
Art Teacher
"Nicole, if a house is built with blue bricks,
will that be a blue house?"
Nicole
"YES."
Art Teacher
"Tyler, if a house is built with brown bricks,
will that be a brown house?"
Tyler
"Yes."
Art Teacher
"Jokie, if a house is built with green bricks,
will that be a green house?"
Jokie,
"No."
Art Teacher
"NO? Why not, Jokie?"
Jokie
"Because a greenhouse is not built with bricks, Mrs. Burke.
A greenhouse is built with glass."
| Author Notes | A greenhouse is a building made of glass in which the temperature is maintained within a desired range, used for cultivating tender plants. |
By rhonnie69
Josh
"There were ten cats standing at the edge of a cliff.
One jumped off. How many were left?"
Jake
"Nine."
Josh
"No. None. They were all copycats."
By rhonnie69
Psychiatrist
"What did the doe say;
when she came staggering out of the underbrush?"
Vain Jane
"What?"
Psychiatrist
"I'll never do that for a buck again."
| Author Notes | The buck stops here. |
By rhonnie69
Husband
"Honey, I like our new cabin.
Wife
"Me too."
Husband
""I'm cold."
Wife
"Me too."
Husband
"Honey, we have a fireplace, a wood stove,
and a kerosene lamp. But we have only one match.
Which should we light first?"
Wife
"The match."
| Author Notes | Honey Knows best. |
By rhonnie69
Architect
"Which side is the best side
to build a porch on a mansion?"
Apprentice
"On the outside."
By rhonnie69
Tyler
"Hey, Sis! WOW! Hey, Sis!
Sister
"What's eating you, Tyler?"
Tyler
"That's what I was about to ask you."
Sister
"Ask me about what?"
Tyler
"What's long like a worm?'
"Has yellow, black, and white stripes?"
"A hundred legs?"
"And it's creepy looking?"
Sister
"Don't ask me. I donno."
Tyler
"Me neither...
But there's one crawling on your shoulder."
By rhonnie69
A Book Just Written.
"Keep a spare tire."
by Justin Case.
By rhonnie69
MOTHER:
"Pete and Repeat went to jail.
They let Pete go free.
Who was left?"
CHILD:
"Repeat."
MOTHER:
"Pete and Repeat went to jail.
They let Pete go free.
Who was left?"
CHILD:
"Repeat."
MOTHER:
Pete and Repeat went to jail.
They let Pete go free.
Who was left?"
CHILD:
"Repeat."
MOTHER:
"Pete and...."
CHILD:
"OH! Never mind, Mom."
By rhonnie69
A book just written:
"Visa, Master Card, American Express
Credit cards are cool with me
But CA$H is the BE$T."
by, Jimmie D Money.
| Author Notes | "All that glitters ain't lousy." |
By rhonnie69
Mom:
"Honey, It's about Emily.
Your daughter's going to have a baby."
Dad:
"WHAT!!!
"I can't believe that.
I can't believe you, Emily."
How did that happen?"
Daughter:
"Would you believe...the stork, Dad?"
By rhonnie69
A book just written:
"LIKE Q."
by Kevin Love.
| Author Notes | "Oh, Kev...you're too sweet.Thank you. I like you too." |
By rhonnie69
"How to catch a worm?"
Watch Redbreast bobbin.
A Tip From... Earl E. Bird......
| Author Notes | ...."Don't Be Tardy For The Breakfast Party." |
By rhonnie69
A store just opened:
by...Lois Price
"CHEAP JOHN'S BARGAIN STORE."
| Author Notes |
CHEAP JOHN'S. "We give you more than just a, "good-bye."
|
By rhonnie69
Kung Fu Fighting.
Featuring:
Bruise Lee.
By rhonnie69
QUESTION:
"What's big, white
and lives in the Sahara Desert?"
ANSWER:
"A lost Polar bear."
| Author Notes | A Barefaced Fact. |
By rhonnie69
Question:
"Why did the comedian go bankrupt?"
Answer:
Because his jokes made no cents."
By rhonnie69
A pair of newly weds celebrated with a toast,
at a high-classed dining room table for two.
Hubby had been trying, to no avail;
to get their busy waiter's attention.
Each time their waiter hastened past their table,
Hubby politely went...
"Waiter...waiter...Uh...Sir."
Their waiter just zipped right past them.
Finally his wife said...
"Here, Honey. Let me."
The next time their waiter came dashing past,
she went...
"Pardon me please...Sir."
To hubby's relief the waiter stopped.
"Yes, Ma'am"
"We don't mean to seem rude," she said,
"but we've been waiting for..."
Hubby cut her short.
"Do you have senior citizen's discounts here?"
The waiter looked puzzled.
"You don't look like senior citizens."
Hubby looked disgruntled.
"We're not. But we will be by the time we get served."
| Author Notes | Have you ever dined at a place where you were the waiter? |
By rhonnie69
Question:
"How many kinds of corn are there in the corn family?"
Answer:
"Three."
Question:
"Can you name them?"
Answer:
"Momma corn."
"Baby corn."
"Pop corn."
| Author Notes | "Well...Told ya it was corny." |
By rhonnie69
Question:
"When is a tuba good for your teeth?"
Answer:
"When it's a tuba toothpaste."
| Author Notes |
"I think you're gonna like this picture...watch the birdie, say cheese,
SMILE.".....CLICK....."GOTCHA." |
By rhonnie69
Mom:
"Amanda, did you eat your corn on the cob?"
Amanda:
"No, Mom."
Mom:
"Why not?"
Amanda:
"Because I ate my corn off the cob."
| Author Notes | "Veggies...I ate em' But I hate em'." |
By rhonnie69
Teddy thought:
Hot cookies are cool with me.
| Author Notes |
Betty: "What's the best thing to put in home-baked chocolate chip cookies?"
Teddy: "My teeth." |
By rhonnie69
Dad:
"Son...how many U.S. presidents were there;
and how many can you name?"
Son:
"Wow, Dad. I can only name a few."
Dad:
"I'm surprised at you, Son.
When I was your age I could name them all."
Son:
"well...uh...when you were my age, Dad...
there were only a few for you to name."
By rhonnie69
Shortly after having a few liquor cheers,
and a couple of sudsy beers,
eighteen year old, Screech, drove out,
ran a red light, and got himself in an automobile accident.
Nevertheless, he was summoned to DWI court
to stand before judge, Seymour Drunks.
Judge:
With an aggravated looking frown on his face.
"Well...do you know why we're here, kid?"
Screech:
"Why?"
Judge:
"Drinking and driving."
Screech:
With a hiccup reply.
"Great. When do we start?"
| Author Notes |
Driving, drinking, and stinking thinking, will do it to you every time.
Sky-high bail tells the tale, DWI is a serious crime. |
By rhonnie69
Teacher:
"Beatrice, spell farm;
as in old McDonald had a farm."
Beatrice:
"E-i E-i-O."
| Author Notes | Teacher: "We'll try that again during detention after school today, Beatrice." |
By rhonnie69
Phil.
"Hey, Will...did your dad promise you something,
for raking the leaves?"
Will.
"No. But he promised me something,
if I didn't."
*****************************************
A job well done.
by...Will Work.
| Author Notes | "When Dad ask me to. That's what I do." |
By rhonnie69
Question:
"What do comedians do for laughs?"
Answer:
"They tell jokes."
By rhonnie69
Mount Foothills.
Early one Sunday Mornin'.
Jed:
"Hay, Jake. spare me a dozen eggs."
Jake:
"Well fer sure, Jed,
seein' you'll spare me a crock of milk."
Jed:
"A swop ain't no swindle.
A trade ain't no trick.
Take ya upon dat, Jake...fast and quick."
Jake:
"Whoa. I'm fresh out of eggs.
You and me eat 'em up yestiddy."
Jed:
"Whoa. I'm fresh out of milk, err...
I mean, I'm out of fresh milk.
you and me drunk up the milk,
when we eat all the eggs."
Jake:
"RATS, I'm ah hankering breakfast,
what shall we do? What shall we do?"
Jed:
"I know what we'll do."
Jake:
"What?"
Jed:
"What'll we git...
if we mate a rooster with a cow?"
Jake:
Well...I reckon we wouldn't git nothin' more than a...
Cock-a-doodle...MOO.
| Author Notes | So they ended up having to eat oatmeal, soda crackers, and drink...well...water. |
By rhonnie69
Question:
"Where did Chilly Willie keep his money?"
Answer:
"In a snowbank."
| Author Notes |
Question:
"Why did Chilly Willie freeze his money?" Answer" "He wanted cold cash." |
By rhonnie69
Mom.
"Cory, why haven't you done your homework yet?"
Cory.
"Mom, have you heard the story about
my unsharpened pencil?"
Mom.
"Yes. You've told me that story a time or two.
wanna tell me about your pencil again?"
Cory.
"Oh never mind. It's pointless."
| Author Notes |
Mom.
"Cory, I see that you have finished your homework. I'm so proud of you. The answers to this list of homework questions are all correct." Cory. "Oh, that's not a list of homework questions. That's a list of Dad's questions, ABOUT, my homework, Mom." |
By rhonnie69
Question:
"Can you name three of the best ways
to spread gossip all around?"
Answer:
"3...telephone."
"2...television."
"1...tella woman." (indubitably.)
| Author Notes | "Honey...I didn't post this one." |
By rhonnie69
Joy.
"HOORAAAY!
Boy.
"What hooray?
We've got a test today."
Joy.
"Not."
Boy.
"Yes. Teacher said."
Joy.
"Teacher said we will have a test today,
rain or shine... It's snowing.
| Author Notes | The weather outside is terrific. |
By rhonnie69
Snoop.
"Hey, Scoop. Heard you got a job
after school today."
Scoop.
"Yep."
Snoop.
"Doin' what?"
Scoop.
"Translocating crystallized water vapor from
the anterior promenades of local domiciles."
Snoop.
"Oh, shoveling snow, at home and for our neighbors.
Cool. I'll go git my shovel and help. Then we'll git my crib."
| Author Notes | "Good Samaritans." |
By rhonnie69
Me.
"I jumped out of the window
of a one hundred story building.
And I survived. How?"
You.
"Incredible! That's impossible!
How DID you survive?"
Me.
"I jumped out of a window,
on the first floor."
| Author Notes | Never, "JUMP," to conclusions until you know the whole "STORY." |
By rhonnie69
WHIMPY.
"I will gladly pay you Thursday,
for a hamburger today."
Employee.
"Oh, I'm just the cashier.
Our credit manager is Helen Wait.
If you want credit, go to Helen Wait."
| Author Notes | "Eat here. Pay here." |
By rhonnie69
Marvin.
I was starvin' Marvin from my head to my feet.
So I went to the baker for a neat sweet treat.
I scooped up a donut, and brushed off the grease.
Then I gave the baker a five cents piece.
He looked at my nickel, then he looked at me.
And he said, "Little boy, can't you plainly see?"
"There's a hole in your nickel
There's a hole right through."
And I said...
"There's a hole in your donut too."
| Author Notes | Even-Steven. |
By rhonnie69
Humpty.
"How do you make an egg roll?"
Dumpty.
"You lay it on a lopsided table."
| Author Notes | Confucius say: "Dumpty not make very good cook." |
By rhonnie69
In fourteen hundred ninety-two.
Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
The ship got hot and the crew kept crying.
"Hey, Chris, Where'd you stash them kegs of wine?"
"You'll have to settle for ocean water foam.
I forgot to bring the wine, I left it at home."
"That," said one sailor, "I ain't buyin'."
"Me either," said another, "Yo, Chris stop lyin'."
"Oh, c'mon guys why would I do that?
And so if I am, who's wearin' the captain's hat?
I'm your boss from coast to coast.
So get back to work, get back to your posts."
Now Chris got worried and felt the need,
To bury his stash under a pile of seaweed.
That night while Chris slept,
His crew men crept.
With seaweed stacked all around it,
They searched for his stash until they found it.
Next day Chris woke up at early dawn.
Went for a drink but his wine was all gone.
As for his crew, they were all drunk.
His ship was neglected so it capsized and sunk.
| Author Notes | According to American history books Christopher Columbus discovered America in 1492. We celebrate Columbus Day on Monday October 8th this year...2018. Three cheers for the Red, White, and Blue. The United States of America. Our home sweet home. Thanx Chris. I'm a patriot to the end...rhonnie69. |
By rhonnie69
Ricky.
"Hey, tricky. Why do you keep waving your hands
and wiggling your fingers?"
Tricky.
"To keep sharks away."
Ricky.
"Sharks?"
Tricky.
"Yeah, Sharks. Hungry man eating sharks."
Ricky.
"Hungry man eating sharks?"
Tricky.
"Yeah sharks...like Jaws."
Ricky.
"You've got bats in your attic.
There's no man eating sharks for miles around here.
Ha Ha Ha. Waving your hands and wiggling
your fingers to keep sharks away."
Tricky.
"It's working isn't it?"
| Author Notes | "If it works...why fix it?" |
By rhonnie69
"5-10-15-20-25-30-35-40-45-50
sneaky eyes peeking shifty ...95 - a hunnert."
"Apples, peaches, punkin' pie.
If you ain't ready holler I."
"I."
"You? You again, Tom? Why?"
"Oh, shut up-n- count, or I'll dot your eye."
"You do that, Tom.
I tell your Mom."
"So...tell. You'r'e peekin'. I'll tell you were cheatin'.
And that will make you get a beatin'."
"My Mom don't beat me."
"She will if you cheat me."
"I'll say that you lied.
Now hurry up and hide.
If you're somewhere you think I cain't see.
Let me know by yellin'. ME!"
"ME!"
"Ready or not...here I come.
Your Granny chews bubble gum."
"HEY! Where'd everybody go?
Where you clowns are...I don't know.
All-ee, All-ee out's in free."
"You're IT, agin, dunce...face that tree.
Ha ha nah nah hee hee hee,"
"RATS! ...5-10-15-twenny.
Friends...I ain't got enny."
| Author Notes | "The game never changes...only the players." |
By rhonnie69
Silly.
"Hey, Millie...
When I'm looking for you...
Why are you always in the last place that I look?"
Millie.
"Oh, Silly...
Because when you find me...
You stop looking for me."
| Author Notes | "Dumb question." |
By rhonnie69
Gorgeous Georgie sweety pie,
Kissed a girl and made her sigh.
When her dad came out to fight,
Gorgeous boy dashed out of sight.
| Author Notes | "Father Knows Best." |
By rhonnie69
Folks say, "Dogs are man's best friend,"
I've found that isn't so.
Without a doubt the truth comes out
When doggie's gotta go.
| Author Notes | "Walkin' the Dawg." |
By rhonnie69
Slick Willie Bluffing
Boasted fear of nothing.
"I'm as brave as I can be."
"I'll build me a boat
So that I can float, and conquer
The raging sea."
On Halloween night while walking,
Across the foggy deck,
Willie had an encounter,
that left his nerves a wreck.
In the still of the night,
By the pale moonlight
Much to Willie's awe.
His shadow lurking behind him,
Is what slick Willie saw.
His shadow chased him when he ran
That left Willie in a trance.
He couldn't out run his shadow,
So Willie wet his pants.
| Author Notes | "SILLY WILLIE." |
By rhonnie69
George Washington was always honored
for being so honest and truthful.
One day while Georgie was browsing
through his father's vineyard he saw a cherry tree.
He couldn't reach the juicy red cherries
Because they were up to high.
So Georgie chopped the cherry tree down.
Later his father asked of him...
"Son...do you know who chopped my cherry tree down?"
Georgie looked at his father eye to eye.
"Yes, Father...I cannot tell you a lie...
Popeye did it."
| Author Notes | "Did Georgie tell his father a lie?" |
By rhonnie69
Piggy's.
6:00 A.M.
Rainy Monday.
Piggy had just opened his joint up.
He was all alone prepping for his
due-crew to show.
Oddly...a joker that he'd never met
stepped in..whistling Dixie.
Piggy.
"Mornin."
Joker.
"And the top of it to you, bar keep."
The joker parked his rear pockets
on a bar stool and propped his elbows
on the bar.
Piggy.
"What can I do ya for, Pal?"
Joker.
"Name's Al."
Piggy.
"Who ever. Whuz up, Al?"
Al.
"Well...for starters howz 'bout
flickin' on the boob tube."
Piggy scooped up the remote
and flicked the TV on.
Al...looking up at the TV.
"Cool. Now gimme a drink
before the fight starts."
Piggy.
"What cha drinkin' ?"
Al.
"What ever ya thinkin'."
Piggy skidded a drink across the bar.
"Here, a double shot.
Best stuff I got.
You might like THIS."
Al.
"I'll like it...
as long as it ain't...eh...WATER."
Al gulped the double down
with one thirsty guzzle.
Wow! Piggy thought,
he should be wearing a muzzle.
A foxy blonde walked in.
AL.
"Hey, good lookin'. What cha got cookin'?
Bar keep...gimme another drink
before the fight starts.
And give blondie one too.
So we can combine hearts."
Piggy.
"Comin' right at cha
My thirsty brother.
Double trouble just like the other,"
Al sat there quenching his thirst.
He swallowed ten more down quicker
than the first.
All them doubles that Al just had,
Had him feeling kind of woozy
And his head was bad,
Al. With a slur and hick-ups.
"Gimme another drink
Before the fight starts."
Piggy. Frustrated and agitated,
"When does the fight start?
What's this...some kind of joke?"
Al.
"The fight's gonna' start...
WHEN YOU FIND OUT I'M BROKE."
| Author Notes | "Incidentally. Al was to blame...when the PO-leese came." |
By rhonnie69
Beep had his first driver's license for the first day.
He got flagged to the curb on that same day.
Cop.
"What's your hurry, kid?"
Beep.
"Who, me?"
Cop.
"You were speeding."
Beep.
"I was?"
Cop.
"You were doing fifty-five in a thirty-five.
That's speeding."
Beep.
"Oh. My bad.
What about that joker
that just zoomed pass us?"
The cop tossed Beep a teasing "GOTCHA," looking grin.
"Oh, I'll catch up with him later, Sonny.
Right now, I got you, Babe,"
he said in a musical voice.
Beep went for the ride.
"Yeah, right. When you catch him
he'll get his share."
The cop cracked a smile.
Beep laughed out loud.
Cop.
"You're seventeen.
Do you wanna' live to be eighteen?"
Beep.
"Well...yeah...I'm sort of looking forward to that."
Cop.
"Well...here, kid. Here's a little something
that I hope will help you make it that far."
He gave Beep a speeding ticket.
Later that day. Beep and his Buddy Jeep,
were talking about the matter.
Beep.
"The PO-leese gave me a ticket today."
Jeep.
"What for doing?"
Beep.
"For doing fifty-five in a thirty-five."
Jeep.
"Were you?"
Beep.
"Well...more yes than no."
Jeep.
"What are you saying to the judge?"
Beep.
"Oh, I'm denying it."
Jeep.
"Yo, cool. But when the cop says...
liar liar pants on fire...
don't look down at your pants to check."
| Author Notes | "Do you promise to tell the truth...and nothing else but the truth?" |
By rhonnie69
Sicky.
"Loosie...I'm home."
Lady Love.
"Oh, Sicky, my dear,
I've been waiting anxiously for you."
Sicky.
"I'm craving you too.
just like I always do."
Lady Love.
"Open your mouth, and close your eyes,
you're going to get, a golden surprise."
Sicky.
"Oh, loosie, how sweet of you.
I anticipate your treat I really do."
Lady Love.
"This is delicious, let's not waste it.
Take a bite, Sicky, you've got to taste it."
Sicky.
"CRUNCH!!!
Oh, Loosie, what a tasty lunch."
Lady Love.
"I thought you would like it,
'cause I had a hunch."
Sicky.
"Where you got it, God knows.
Not me 'cause you said, my eyes I should close.
Lady Love.
"Silly, Sickey...you got it from me.
And I got it from that central tree.
Sicky.
"Oooooooo Noooooooo.
Loosie, you didn't do it."
Lady Love.
"Yes. I did...and you too blew it."
Sicky.
Loosie, because you didn't obey so well.
Now we both gotta' go to..."
Lady Love.
"Hades."
| Author Notes | "I don't wanna' go." |
By rhonnie69
Question.
"Why is it dangerous to tell funny jokes
while ice skating?"
Answer.
"Because funny jokes might crack the ice up."
| Author Notes | "Better safe than sorry." |
By rhonnie69
Tricky.
"Hey, Ricky, Rail Road Crossing;
look out for the cars.
Can that can be spelled without using Rs.?"
Ricky.
"Nope."
Tricky.
"Yep."
Ricky.
"How?'
Tricky.
"T-H-A-T."
| Author Notes | "Stop Look Listen." |
By rhonnie69
Tricky.
"Hey, Ricky. There were a hundred fat ladies,
a hundred fat men, an elephant, and two camels
under a busted umbrella. None of them got wet. Why?
Ricky.
"Search me. Why?"
Tricky.
"Because it wasn't raining."
| Author Notes | "Sunshine. Blue skies." |
By rhonnie69
Tricky.
"Hey, Ricky...what's 5+5?"
Ricky.
"Ten."
Tricky.
"What's 9+1?"
Ricky.
"Ten."
Tricky.
"What's 6+4?"
Ricky'
"Ten."
Tricky.
"What's 8+2?"
Ricky.
"Ten."
Tricky.
"What's an aluminum can made of."
Ricky.
"Tin."
Tricky.
"No...
An aluminum can is made of...
aluminum."
| Author Notes | Ricky..."Awe...shoot" |
By rhonnie69
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Sue.
Sue who?
Sue your beautician.
| Author Notes | Don't go changing. I love you just the way you are. Just Plain-Jane you. |
By rhonnie69
Mom.
"Cory, why didn't you eat your apple?"
Cory.
"Wasn't hungry for apple, Mom."
Mom.
"Did you eat all the cookies that I left?
Some of them were for your sister."
Cory.
"I didn't eat one cookie, Mom."
Mom.
"Emily has been out with your grandma all day.
Your father ate her apple. He doesn't eat cookies.
Why is there only one cookie left?"
"That's the one that I didn't eat."
| Author Notes | "The Truth...out of the mouths of babes." |
By rhonnie69
For good house keeping
her broom should be sweeping
her squeaky haunted house floors.
But when Halloween
comes on the scene
Broom Hilda ignores her chores.
Ride, glide, slippety-slide
with her cackle of a ghostly tune.
So cutie pie, can beauty fly
And flaunt in the bright full moon.
| Author Notes | "A sassy green, Halloween, drama queen." |
By rhonnie69
Jack rabbit was homeless and lost in the woods.
One day when he was wandering around with no place to go
he met a woodchuck named Woody.
Jack.
"Where ya' goin' ?"
Woody.
"Oh, I ain't knowin'."
Jack.
"Why do ya' roam?"
Woody.
"Ain't got no home."
Jack.
"Oh, I see.
Why don't cha' come n roam wit me."
Woody.
"Okay, I'll roam wit you.
Ain't got nothin' better ta' do."
While strolling along telling each other lies,
Who did they meet to their surprise.
Jack.
"Hey, ain't you Portise the tortoise?"
Portise.
"Well I sure ain't Mertle the turtle."
Woody.
"Where ya' goin'?"
Portise.
"Oh, I ain't knowin'."
Jack.
"Jes like us it's plain ta' see.
Ya' might as well hang wit Woody n me."
They wandered all day,
and roamed all night...finally Jack said...
"Y'all dis ain't right. Less build us a house,
if it takes all day. Den we'll have a place ta' stay."
They built a shack that was almost done,
except for a board they needed just one.
woody.
"Remember dat board we passed a mile back?"
Portise.
"Yeah, why don't ya' go git dat board, Jack?"
Jack.
"Oh, I would go git it, without question or pause.
But better yet, less draw straws."
Woody.
"It's on you, Portise,
'cause you drew the shortiss."
Portise.
"Okay, Okay. I wanna' say no.
But fair and square I gotta' go."
Woody and Jack waited.
Woody and Jack waited.
Woody and Jack waited.
"WOW! " said Jack, "is he comin' back?"
Woody and Jack waited
Woody and Jack waited.
Woody and Jack waited.
"Rats!" said Woody. He takin' too long.
I guess sendin' slow poke, we done wrong."
Portise steady dragging, but he wasn't far away.
Turned and looked over his shoulder, and they heard him say.
"If you keep complaining, 'bout I'm too slow.
I'll turn and come back.....
AND I WON"T GO."
| Author Notes | "Always say please and thank you. Or your regrets will tease and spank you." |
By rhonnie69
Dumb Question.
"Is it true that an alligator won't bite you,
if you're carrying a big stick?"
Wise answer.
"That depends on how fast you're
carrying your big stick."
| Author Notes | "Take this wise advise and, STICK, to it." |
By rhonnie69
"Mom and Dad are like a box of chocolates.
Ya never know whatcha gonna get."
| Author Notes | "OLD GOLD." |
By rhonnie69
"Hi there, Adam."
"Hi there, Madam.
How do you know my name?"
"Because I'm Eve, and I believe
That all men are the same."
"Hey, Eve are you really you?
Is what you're telling me honestly true?"
"Ask me no questions...I'll tell you no fibs.
Yes, I'm really Eve. I'm one of your ribs.
If you're not interested...take a hike.
Otherwise come and get what you like."
| Author Notes |
"Nooooo, girl. That would be a sin.
BUT... Oooooo, boy. Here we go again." |
By rhonnie69
There was an old lady
That lived in a hat.
She had a snake, a lizard,
And an eerie black cat.
She had bats in her attic,
Cobwebs in her bed.
She had rats in her cupboard.
They were crawling but dead.
She had ghosts in her closets,
That laid out of sight.
They hid there all day.
Then came out at night.
She had a old sooty teapot
and a black skillet pan.
She was ugly and fat,
So she didn't have a man.
She chased Frankenstein
But he let her pine.
She proposed to Jason
And Norman Bates.
But they both kicked her out
And locked their gates.
In spite of the junk
In Broom Hilda's trunk.
I'd give her a shot,
But, "alas," I'm a monk.
| Author Notes | "Beauty is only skin deep." |
By rhonnie69
"YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE."
This is your pilot speaking.
You are on your way to a crash landing."
"If you look out of your window to the left,
You'll probably notice that the left wing is on fire."
"If you look out of your window to the right,
You'll see that the right wing is missing."
"If you look down on the river below,
You'll see a life raft floating there."
"In the center of that floating life raft.
You'll see a tiny black speck."
"That's me."
"THIS IS A RECORDING."
| Author Notes | "Dead people tell no tales." |
By rhonnie69
Tricky.
"Hey, Ricky...can you count?"
Ricky.
"Try me."
Tricky.
"Okay...A bus is empty. It's running down Main Street.
On its first stop, it picks up two people."
"The next stop it picks up seven more people.
On it's next stop it lets off three people."
"On its next stop it picks up ten people.
On its next stop it lets off five people."
On its next stop it picks up eight people.
On its next stop it lets off two people."
"Ya got that?"
Ricky.
"Yep."
Tricky.
"How many stops did it make?"
| Author Notes |
"Wait! Run that by me again."
|
By rhonnie69
Flat Top.
"When I ride on a train
I like to sit next to the window
so I can see the scenery."
Buddy.
"Really? Me too."
Flat Top.
"Yesterday I traveled from
Atlanta to Macon
sitting in the seat next to the aisle.
That was depressing."
Buddy.
"Really? Why didn't you ask the person sitting
next to the window to trade seats?"
Flat Top.
"I wanted to...but I couldn't."
Buddy.
"Really? Why not?"
Flat Top.
"Because there was nobody
sitting there to ask."
Buddy.
"Really?"
| Author Notes | "I thought I was smart until I wrote this." |
By rhonnie69
Veteran.
My doctor is a female...
and I'm glad about that."
Civilian.
"How come?'
Veteran.
"She really cares about her patients.
She saved my life...and after ten years
she remembers my name. She calls me, Marcus."
Civilian.
"WOW. I want her for my doctor.
She really cares about her patients
What's her name?"
Veteran.
"Ophelia Pain."
| Author Notes | "I'm feeling you." |
By rhonnie69
Mary had a little lamb.
People were surprised.
Folks were really puzzled.
Until they realized.
That Mary wasn't contrary.
She had what she should reap.
Mary wasn't a little school girl...
She was a fluffy mother sheep.
| Author Notes | 'why do you think that everywhere that Mary went...the lamb was sure to go?" Baaaaa. |
By rhonnie69
Tricky.
"Hey, Ricky. There were 13 surffish swimming
in the surf. Fishermen hooked them all
except nine. How many were left?"
Ricky.
"4."
Tricky.
"No. Fishermen hooked them all,
except nine."
| Author Notes | "Count this one again." |
By rhonnie69
A Story Just Written:
Tale Of The Enthusiastic Follower.
A Fan Story.
| Author Notes | I love you. And where you go I'll follow. |
By rhonnie69
A lady running a little late arrives at the movies.
She goes in to see a movie that has already begun.
As her eyes adjust to the darkness, the lady is shocked
to see a dog sitting beside her master in the row ahead.
The cute little doggy was watching the movie intently.
She seemed to be delighted in watching the movie about cats.
The pup was wagging her tail in the happy parts. drooping her ears
at the sad parts, and she was hiding her eyes with her paws
at the scary parts.
After the movie, the lady approached the cute little dog's owner.
"WOW! Your dog appeared to be really enjoying that movie. I'm stunned."
"Yes," said the lady who owned the doggy. "I'm surprised with, Fi Fi too.
She hated the book."
| Author Notes | "Every dog has its day." |
By rhonnie69
"Grizzly oughta be ashamed of himself.
I'll bet he's sleeping rudely...
and elbowing and kneeing those poor people
so they can't get no sleep."
| Author Notes | "Hey Bunny...that remark ain't funny." |
By rhonnie69
"Whether or not, we honestly agree.
My master she is as cute as me."
| Author Notes | "People let me tell you 'bout my best friend." |
By rhonnie69
Billy Boy Baked a Bunch of Brown Butter Buns.
Bunch of Brown Butter Buns Billy Boy Baked.
If Billy Boy Baked a Bunch of Brown Butter Buns,
and baked them in a Bunch,
Betcha Billy Boy Baked a bunch of Brown Butter Buns,
for Billy Boy's Brunch.
| Author Notes |
This tongue twister came from a song that our teacher taught us when I was in fourth grade just for fun. This isn't how it really went. Here I've changed the lyrics around and made my version of it as I remember it. The words are different but for me the tune and the fun is the same.
|
By rhonnie69
911...What's Your Emergency?
Caller.
"A joker jes shot my buddy."
He's rolling on the ground, spasin' out!
"Where are you?"
"I'm In the phone booth."
"No. I mean where did this happen?"
"In the bushes."
"Sir...you'll have to tell me where
you're located so I can help you."
"Oh...under the train trestle
where the winos hang out.
"Can you see your buddy
from where you are?"
"Yep...he ain't spazin' no more."
"What's he doing?"
"Nothin."
"Nothing?"
"No. Nothin'...hold...
I'll go check on him."
"No...wait...Sir...Sir."
A forever moment passed.
"Hello...ma'am...ma'am."
"Sir...please remain on the phone
so I can communicate with you."
"Hey, lady. My buddy is dead."
"What makes you say that?"
"I took his jug out of his pocket
and he let me take it."
"Sir...an ambulance and the police
are on the way."
"The PO-leese?"
"The police, Sir."
"Hey...I'm out...see ya."
"Sir...aren't you going to make
sure your buddy is dead before you run?"
"Okay. gimmie a sec'."
The caller left the phone again.
A few seconds later the lady
heard a gun shot.
A second later the caller was back on the phone.
"Hey, lady. I made sure...
"HE'S DEAD...GOTTA GO. SEE YA."
| Author Notes | "I can tell you who the caller was. His name was. Well on second thought...never mind. Snitches Gets Stitches." |
By rhonnie69
A
Rat
In
Tommy's
House
Might
Eat
Tommy's
Ice
Cream.
| Author Notes | "When the cat's away...The mice will play." |
By rhonnie69
Cat drumming rat tat
Rata rata tat
Cat druming rat tat
Rata rata tat
Cat druming rat tat
Rata rata tat
Rata tat tat rata tat.
Cat druming rat tat
BOOM!
Rata rata tat
Cat druming rat tat
CLANG!
Rata rata tat
Cat hit the high hat
SMISH!
Rata rata tat
Rat tat tat rata tat.
| Author Notes | "And the cat played on." |
By rhonnie69
Christmas question.
"What will a polar bear get if he follows a camel
across the desert at high noon on Christmas day?"
Christmas answer.
"Sandy Claws."
| Author Notes | "I know, I know, this one's bearly funny." |
By rhonnie69
"Cheatin' and drinkin'
Stinkin' thinkin'
Will do it to you
Everytime..."
| Author Notes |
"HELL HAS NO FURY...
LIKE A FEMALE JURY." WHAT'S IT? A body of women gathered to deliver a verdict or true answers, To questions asked of them concerning, "CHEATER PETER." |
By rhonnie69
"YES."
"I jumped over the moon.
That unlikely story is true."
"I swear that I tell you no lie
That's what I did really do."
"I know it sounds far-fetched,
I'll bet you're wondering how."
"When hay-diddle said it.
After you read it you probably said..."
"OH WOW!"
"With this poem that I wrote."
"NO."
"You're not being smote."
by...
"Elsie the cow.
| Author Notes | "If you think that I'm weird because I jumped over the moon...how about the cat, little dog, the dish and the spoon.? Does that make any sense? Now all I gotta do is figure out how to jump over this fence. The grass looks greener over there. That is true I do declare." |
By rhonnie69
"There's fresh baked cookies and warm milk
Waiting for you inside."
| Author Notes | "FOR SANTA SO LOVES THE WORLD...." |
By rhonnie69
"Rain Rain come my way.
Go away some other day."
"Pud muddles...I mean mud puddles.
I love them...WOW!"
"Joaneeeee!
Get IN HERE...NOW!"
| Author Notes |
Raindrops are fallin'..Mommy is callin'
I wanna say, NO. But Daddy's home...GOTTA' GO." |
By rhonnie69
"Arf! Arf! Arf! Yelp! Yelp! Yelp!
Now hear this...I need your help!
I know you're watching your favorite show.
But this is urgent...
I'VE GOTTA GO!"
| Author Notes | "GRAB YOUR UMBRELLA." |
By rhonnie69
A LIVE 5-7-5.
"I'M like a weeble.
I'll wobble but I won't fall.
You can't knock me down."
| Author Notes |
"Girlfriend don't bluff.
She's ruff and tuff And all that stuff," "Admit it 'cause you do. I know you love her too." |
By rhonnie69
"I know. I know. This isn't rain...it's snow.
But it's off to school I go.
And I've gotta new umbrella
That I've just gotta show."
| Author Notes | "MAKING TRACKS." |
By rhonnie69
Why didn't I listen to what Mom said?
"It's dangerous, Son don't race that sled."
I tumbled off, and bruised my head.
My nose was broken and bleeding red.
I missed the sled race and instead.
The guys are out, and I'm in bed.
| Author Notes |
OH! THE PAIN! I'm feeling dead.
"There'd be days like this, Momma said. |
By rhonnie69
"What's in my wallet?
What business of that is yours?
What is in your mind?"
| Author Notes | " NO. " |
By rhonnie69
Rudy and Bug were in the men's room in Rudy's poolroom.
They were looking through a book when Jokie strolled in.
"Hey what's up, man?" Jokie asked.
"Our spirits," replied Bug.
"Well I want my spirit up too.
Gimme a boost. Whatcha readin'?"
"One of Bug's sister's magazines," replied Rudy.
"Looks like some kind of geek book to me," said Jokie.
"Can't judge a book by it's cover," said Bug.
"The good stuff is on the inside."
"I'll be the judge of that," said Jokie.
"Lemme git a sneak-peek. What's it all about?"
"Sugar and spice and everything nice," said Rudy."
Jokie poked his nose in."What's the name of it?"
"Victoria's Secret," replied Bug.
"Yeow! Does it say what her secret is, man?
I always wanted to know what that is."
"Better than that, my boy, here it SHOWS,
what her secret is," replied Rudy.
"Oooooo," said Jokie, "I already knew this.
Oh...and ehh...by the way...what's that red bruise
on the side of ya face, Bug?"
"Oh that...that's the welt that lingers from a slap
from Vicky Taylor's fingers."
"OW!" said Jokie, "so, REALLY, Victoria
holds her secret in the palm of her hand?"
"Yeah," said Rudy, "Ya can't see it, man."
"But you can for sure as hell feel it," said Bug.
"Pretty much," The three of them said all together.
| Author Notes | "With girls...Sometimes a guy has to burn to learn." |
By rhonnie69
"Bein' FAT, I hate,
I gotta luze weight,"
"Too fat I yam,
Joinin' a weight loss program."
"Found a program dat guaranteed."
"Here you'll succeed.
You need exercise.
Need to run.
Your solution, my Son.
Behind door number one.
Go in, it'll be dark.
Find the light switch, heed the remark."
Probed the walls found the switch.
Flipped it on, saw this............girl."
"Catch me, and I'm yours.
Forget about other doors."
They raced.
Al caught her with haste.
Running around,
Didn't lose a pound.
"I know, what ta do.
Come back, try door two."
Probed the walls found the switch.
Flipped it on with his mouth agape.
He saw a gorilla ape.
A sign hung around his neck.
If I ketch ya, ya know what to EXPECK.
That was Al's last door.
Have I need to say more?
Excuse my uncanny diction.
Ain't you glad dis iz fiction?
| Author Notes |
"Over weight? Loose it with grace...and without loosing face."
|
|
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| © Copyright 2015 rhonnie69 All rights reserved. rhonnie69 has granted FanStory.com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work. |
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