By Bill Schott
Nelly Knichernoodleson
related to George Washington
or was it Stanley Livingston
or Livingstone and Stanley
Impersonating those of fame
she'd get box seats at any game
connect herself with the big name
of some important dandy
Lately she's been lying low
stepped on one too many toes
not eaten in two weeks or so
looks like Mahatma Gandhi
By Bill Schott
C.C. 'Double D' Mofoseeyalater
used to be a USC student agitator
all the guys on varsity stood all week to date her
there may have been a prof or two in line
Sometimes her chesty qualities helped as a debater
more distracting than attacking twin-head alligators
paired with brains and rhetoric, opponents became traitors
and in the midst of winning would resign
After graduation CC had a breast reduction
apparently there's surgery used for this deduction
many an admirer framed it as abduction
we hear her post most-melons life was fine
By Bill Schott
Franco Flippin Funnelatch
had an itch no one should scratch;
longed for a successful match
with his buddy's sister.
Friends forewarned and raised red flags;
he called them all provincial drags,
and found all other women hags;
could simply not resist her.
After spending loads of dough,
Franco found he was a schmo;
he might never have a go,
because of this plot twister.
Franco's buddy's sib-L-ing
was not human, more a thing;
a life-sized doll with gears and spring,
and urine in a blister.
Funnelatch was still undaunted,
now his infamy is vaunted;
his life is now a hell -- that's haunted;
a prominent blacklister.
The Funnelatches had some kids,
or had them made, at lowest bids;
installed in them were angst and ids,
and something quite si-NIS-ter.
By Bill Schott
Missy Molly Mustarghast
had a hateful, hidden past
a deadly, keen iconoclast
still wanted by the law
Part of her debauchery
included lack of subtlety
when letting flatulence fly free
a sound to drop the jaw
Authorities have not the heart
or think it even close to smart
to corner one who shoots a fart
that'd strip your nostrils raw
The current plan seems to be
to let Ms. Mustarghast stay free
and not invite the misery
of that olfact'ry yaw
By Bill Schott
Jo Jo was the last to drive the auto
He parked it by the fence for them to see
So proud he was of what that car had meant
To a boy without an ancestry
He was a swaddled castoff on our step
We reared him in our home as one of ours
Did our best to raise him up a man
Who'd love the feel of home yet seek the stars
How could we know his time was short on earth
A heart so strong should never cease to beat
but just as he had come from somewhere else
he left us with a life not quite complete
We found him by the fence inside his car
He'd worked for months to buy it from a friend
So proud he was of what that car had meant
He was in it, and his glory, at the end.
| Author Notes | Thanks to angelina onofrio for use of the pic |
By Bill Schott
Fifi Fungirl Feeziltow
was the lead girl in the show
dated Mafioso Mo
but also G-man Manny
One day the peanut gallery
let it out about Fifi
and her two-time revelry
flaunting her fine fanny
Now the dancers are one less
all they found was Fifi's dress
where she's gone is just a guess
her exit was uncanny
Now Mo dates two new young girls
they wear Fifi's clothes and pearls
somewhere a ship's mast unfurls
and chum is fed to shanny
| Author Notes |
shanny = a type of fish
chum = chopped up fish (or dance girls) |
By Bill Schott
Benny Bijou Bastarrinn,
bathing in some bathtub gin,
toasts us and invites us in
to take a jolt of gangster.
Inheriting a denizen
of thugs who are his brethren,
he rules like dad, Big Bad Ben,
a badass and a prankster.
Today we'll use these straws and grin
as we suck "bath water" in
and prove to Benny we are kin,
swallowing our angst here.
Prohibition may soon end,
when we may be ourselves again;
will there be a place for Ben?
Yes, I'll lock and load my "Thankster”.
By Bill Schott
Flickenhausen Ubergooner
bought a pretty plywood schooner
'cause he was a honeymooner
having just been wed.
Floating the Pacific Ocean
slathering on tanning lotion
spouting poems of devotion
to his husband Jed.
Flickenhausen chose this pair-age
enjoying his new same-sex marriage
but sailed an unseaworthy carriage
which sank... so now he's dead.
By Bill Schott
Hansel A. VonStoomer sang
of his favorite boomerang
used to kill orangutan(g)
in these youthful years.
Hansel is a troubled boy
killing things his greatest joy
his boomerang is like a toy
with it he knows no fears.
Each time he bags an orange ape
he writes a song and makes a tape
and later makes a great escape
'cause it's illegal, it appears.
By Bill Schott
This story may seem an exaggeration,
a tale as tall as the sky;
but deals with a recent conflagration
that leveled a village nearby.
There was a fruit called the Melon from Hell, and
it grew in Death Valley at first;
then was transplanted by Zoey Magellan,
ignoring a Shoshone curse.
The melons grew huge and weighed 'bout a ton;
they couldn't be moved once full grown.
So Zoey would hollow them out, and once done,
would sell them as natural homes.
Centuries before this all took place
a Shoshone shaman named Mason,
cursed whoever would be so base
to take from the Shoshone nation.
He called on waianten to burst forth on felons
and take what the thief had around;
and so it happened that one day the melons
ignited and burned down the town.
The village was ruined, the melons were spewin'
flames 'til they all were but ash;
but Zoey skedaddled back home to St. Lou, and
was happy they all paid in cash.
| Author Notes |
waianten = fire in Shoshone
Shoshone (show shown ee) Picture from Google Images |
By Bill Schott
Franklin S. T. DePeteet
love them ladies on the street
ha' spent some time atween a sheet
wit' gals a ill repute
Drinkin' spurs 'is lust fer lovin'
and the horizontaw shovin'
like sac-ro-fice at witchees coven
they aw give up the boot
One day it prob'ly take 's life
or leave 'm wit' a well-worn wife
and a willy like a budder knife
or a stubby, burnt cheroot
| Author Notes |
Vernacular and misspelling is intended and, hopefully, not too far removed to be understood.
cheroot = cigar |
By Bill Schott
Gunga Dindin Gotchergoat
a miserly old misanthrope
is cleaner than a bar of soap
and just as good to talk to.
If he gives you the time of day
it is because that in that way
he'll prove you do not earn your pay
in the hours given to you.
Gotchergoat's the kind of chap
to have ghosts visit in a nap
show present, past, and future crap
in hopes to make him new.
But these spirits won't prevail
without a profit margin... fail
'cause he's the hammer, not the nail
so, I guess that we are through.
By Bill Schott
Layman Raymond Mangaleest
used to beat the local priest
when they rapped was West meets East
for scrilla and the scrappa
Layman juiced the P for sheckles
beat him bad and hurled heckles
then they'd shake like Hyde and Jekylls
'cause it was a slappa
Then Lay-Man got burned with yayo
with a 9 faced off with 5 oh
ended in a six foot go low
last getty for a rappa
| Author Notes |
scrilla, scrappa, sheckles = money
slappa= all in fun yayo = cocaine 9= handgun 5 oh= police go low= grave getty = get together |
By Bill Schott
Jamie JoJo Jizzerilt
had a homemade Quaker quilt
wore it like a crazy kilt
to all formal occasions
People would all gape and stare
since he wore no underwear
his testes would be hanging there
despite our sight evasions
One day JJ changed attire
now dons drap'ries and barbed wire
threw his kilt upon the pyre
to fashion innovations
By Bill Schott
Fu Man Chusoletto Kahn
Was stealthy as a spotted fahn
No one hoid him comen gahn
Spooky like da Shaddah
Did some second story heists
Pitter patted like da mice
Emptied safes a dough 'n ice
Den scurried don a laddah
Din on one day he got cot
In a house what's 'larm was hot
In his chest he took a shot
and din it didn't mattah
By Bill Schott
Pinky Pamela Probunthai
used to hang out with that guy
you know -- he lived down at the Y
people called him Polo
They'd drink a soda with two straws
and often get some Oohs and Ahhs
as they'd pet with fervent cause
in deference to Y.O.L.O.
But Polo chased another bone
Pam's fond pet had finally flown
she sucks sodas now -- alone
in her life so solo
| Author Notes | YOLO = you only live once |
By Bill Schott
Azro Catter Chingtafeedz
used to live on poppy seeds
chewed on wood chips, sticks, and reeds
while living in Dakota
AC moved from DC town
needed space to roll around
heard the Black Hills did abound
or so the anecdota
It was true and Azro thrived
in the desert he survived
he rolled about and was long-lived
which brings us to the coda
By Bill Schott
Mikey Menthol Moppenasher
stood in doorways as a flasher
being called a vagrant masher
by the passing gals
Mikey learned the art from Biff
who used to show his junk on 5th
"til he learned to make a .gif
from some IT pals
One day Mikey flashed a cop
while standing in a flower shop
a nightstick soon made Mikey stop
breathing
By Bill Schott
Gentle giant Joe Jerome
seldom ever left his home
a little shack called Honeycomb
just outside the ville
Joe was born a burly boy
filled his mama's life with joy
treated her like Myrna Loy
though she was ment'ly ill
First time Joe left Honeycomb
his mama choked on bubbly foam
died because of a misnom-
that Alka-Seltzer was a pill
So Joe now swears to never leave
he stays at Honeycomb to grieve
and beg his mama, "Pweez (sniff) bweev"
but she never will
By Bill Schott
Teddy 'Titan' Tamcaster
would represent as ambas'der
rebels, the iconoclasts,
at functions serving a repast.
Ted the Red, or Filthy T
was their face, without a fee
he'd represent each Mutt and Jeff
though blind and mute and mostly deaf.
As arbiter for agitators
he had acquired some be-raters
apologist for anarchy
though unable to hear or see.
Imagine as your cantor choice
a man with neither sight nor voice
whose intercession motivation
is free lunch and capitulation.
By Bill Schott
Comrade Conrad, Communist
used to pound men with his fists
broke some rules and then some wrists
in the grand old Union of Soviet Socialists ...Republic
Smiling like a Katzenjammer
He'd smash men's toes with a sledge hammer
then throw them in the Russian slammer
because they screamed a lot and walked funny
Conrad lived through czar and Stalin
Khrushchev, detente, wall-a-fallin'
then he died and moved to 'Helland'
the Netherworld, where he is a javelin catcher
| Author Notes |
The Netherlands is referred to as Holland. So I used that same idea to denote the Netherworld.
|
By Bill Schott
Racoonoodle Rapheldeli
had a tattoo on his belly
of a skunk (was labeled "Smelly")
that we all could see
On his chest he had a heart
not a tat, or work of art
it was raw and blown apart
and bleeding pro-fuse-ly
By his side there was a gun
that his kid had used for fun
aimed it at Dad's back and--son,
made Rac a gunshotee
It was too late for saving him
he'd joined the ranks of post mortem
but we'll ink and note his 'exp'ration'
Raccoonoodle R.I.P.
By Bill Schott
Whamo Wiseman, PhD
wowed on AM 603
as he explained his history
from the college studio
He broadcasted from on the campus
with a voice-- sounded like Trampus
and a face fit for a grampus
and surely the radio
With a pitchy, whiney spiel
he declared with unchained zeal
he was the heir of Chamomile
the Prince of Patio
Eventually, the door burst in
as he sat with a toothy grin
dressed in just his naked skin
and braggadocio
| Author Notes |
Trampus was a deputy on Gunsmoke who had a whiney voice
grampus is a snubbed-nosed dolphin braggadocio is empty boasting |
By Bill Schott
Sven Svengalli bought a car
of a murdered movie star
drove it to a local bar
where it was stripped, burned, and ticketed (in that order).
Ben Bygolly tied a noose
'round his neck, but left it loose
just in case his drug abuse
charges were dropped and he could hitch to the border.
Fannie Folly Valentine
liked to write while drinking wine,
bourbon, beer, or even 'shine'
"Cuz it meks ma writin' 'n rymin' good -- sorta."
| Author Notes | Picture from Christinestima at wordpress |
By Bill Schott
| Author Notes | Thanks to 6Blessings for use of the graphic. |
By Bill Schott
| Author Notes | Thanks to supergold for use of the picture |
By Bill Schott
By Bill Schott
By Bill Schott
| Author Notes |
Thanks to Renate-Bertodi for use of the cool image
Not an endorsement of mj |
By Bill Schott
| Author Notes |
Thanks to BRUCEIORIO for use of the graphic
Based on a joke I heard as a youth |
By Bill Schott
| Author Notes |
Thanks to Loyd C. Taylor, Sr for use of the photo
|
By Bill Schott
Barney Beppotoozoleema
was the ever-constant schemer
to his next job in his Beemer
he cruised into the state
Barney's buddy Pops Petasky
was his strong arm, rather nasty
Drinking from a leather flask he
Pondered the day's date
B.B. had a mark in play
The con job would be done today
he'd meet his sap at Sounder's Bay
just up from Golden Gate
Down in Texas Barney sold
the San Francisco bridge for gold
told a schmoe that he'd soon hold
the deed, so don't be late
Dexter Dimbulb soon was given
the Golden Gate for which he'd driven
up from the South where he'd been livin'
in the Lonestar State
Barney got the gold from Dex
while Pops looked tough and pumped his 'pecs'
Dimbulb grinned and asked, "What's next?"
and then he met his fate
Pops grabbed Dexter by the throat
threw him in a motorboat
went out to sea to see him float
with sixty pounds of weight
Dexter sank without a fit
Pops picked up his bullion split
Barney thought 'bout goin' legit
but too many cons await
| Author Notes | Thanks to ftbtaxman for use of the photo |
By Bill Schott
Lucky Liam Lingersmootch
made a livin' sellin' hootch
'til last spring he screwed the pooch
and got hisself arrested
Liam got a speedy trial
all through which he wore a smile
all charges met with calm denial
ain't nothin' he 'confested'
The DA's charges soonly sank
'cause all the evidence'd been drank
so Liam has us all to thank
for the swill we each ingested
By Bill Schott
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
| Author Notes | Image from Google |
By Bill Schott
Felix Felix Finderelli
ate a jar of pretend jelly
sitting in a downtown deli
practicing his miming
Felix' father Fenton Fenton
learned to cook when in San Quentin
serving out a six year senten --
for illegal end-word rhyming
Both now work at Dolly's Eats
Fenton fixes tasty treats
Felix pantomimes feigned feats
for people who are dining
By Bill Schott
Zingy Feddermoshalot
couldn't drink another drop
a gallon seemed to hit the spot
imbibing then was through
He began the journey home
in which he tripped on every stone
ripped his pants and broke a bone
then belched a gurgling spew
Zingy reached his home a wreck
one hundred feet had been his trek
all was well, so what the heck
he'd drink tomorrow too
By Bill Schott
Luther and his cousin Cliff
said they'd be here in a jiff
but they're late and I am miffed
and contemplating change
Last week when we needed help
counting clams and cutting kelp
Where were they? The worthless whelps
Both out getting 'strange'
I'm looking at the Brothers Blee
to take on a small job for me
dump two cousins in the sea
who have become deranged
| Author Notes | Thanks to GaliaG for use of the photo |
By Bill Schott
Here's a bit 'bout Jenkin Jones
who called on clients late on loans
left them with some broken bones
and promised to return
One day he met Renaldo Red
who broke ol' Jenkin's bones instead
then lopped off Jones's boney head
so he would not return
Same day Renaldo wound up dead
by Jenk's sister, someone said
now she collects Jones' family bread
and she will soon return
| Author Notes | Thanks to pattigirl for use of the money shot |
By Bill Schott
Wilbur was a welder and the elder of five brothers
Vernon was a vender and much gentler than the others
Connor on his honor was the liar of the clan
Zeke was quite the freak and a singer in a band
Denzil was a mental and a fratricidal loon
He bumped off all his brothers during the waxing of the moon
There is a rhyme, but reason may be missing from the tale
Of Wilbur, Vernon, Zeke, and Connor, and the one in jail.
By Bill Schott
We were walking in the forest
Picking flowers for the florist
When there appeared a jelly giant
Looking for a candy client
"Cooze me, vellas," be began
"wookin' foda Cookie Man."
"We ain't seen 'im," I returned
You think that I will ever learn?
Never speak to woodland creatures
Especially with jelly features
Now we've a gelatinous giant
With whom we were not compliant
"Cookie Man!" the gel Joe screamed
"Wake me fwum dis cookie dweam!"
Then he smashed my good friend Finn
A crushing slush slap did him in
I turned to make a hasty flight
But jelly fingers held me tight
"Wait!" I gasped and spun to speak
"I am the Cookie Man (you freak)"
The mega-gelatin man froze
A snot of syrup filled his nose
His mouth agape he slowly said
"I wanna wake now, in my bed."
"Run," I thundered, "to the falls."
"Disregard NO DIVING laws
launch yourself into the torrent
and you soon will awake I warrant."
The behemoth grinned and left
Ran to the falls, leapt to its death
Got back to town, taking hours
Dragging Finn and picking flowers.
| Author Notes | Thanks to Sierra Treasures for the graphic |
By Bill Schott
Lyle had style and plenty of cash
Miles flew miles to sample his stash
Kyle had guile and a pile of bucks
He compiled in exile while getting his ducks
in line
Lyle dialed Dale to set up a meet
He then called Kayla, who was discrete
She filed her nails while rolling a joint
Was wearing a gun in case a point
had to be made
So Lyle and Kyle and Miles and Dale
All came together to complete a sale
A pile of cash and some grams of 'Sieg Hiel'
(a Euro-cut jam) that would cost a pile
of the green stuff
Kyle would rile as easy as anything
Kayla could kill you, 'cause that's just her thing
Lyle and Miles and Dale the Dude
Thought the rest vile, defilers, and a crude
bunch of punks
The transaction had happened and then in a pile
The demented dealers dropped dead on the tile
Some filled with graphite sent by Kayla's POW-POW
With bile like the Nile flowing from vacated bowels
into the drain
Kayla collected what the corpses had dropped
The money and merchandise (a bit and a crop?)
Stuffed in a duffle bag she walked to the station
Caught a bus then a plane to a tropical nation
which she now owns
Moral: Be the one with the gun
| Author Notes |
This is a violent poem and I'm sorry if you read it and wish you hadn't.
Thanks to Loyd C. Taylor, Sr for the picture |
By Bill Schott
Cyril Seamus Sephrelletti
and his sister Joyless Jan
would create a new spaghetti
made from tapioca bran.
They'd created graham tacos,
acorn pretzels, corn husk chips,
lamb gland mustard, and then Jocko,
Cyril's cousin, smacked his lips.
Tasting all the gourmet goodies
Jock told Jan he'd buy them out;
they got rich, but still the foodies
want to make a candied trout.
| Author Notes | Thanks to Lillia for the photo |
By Bill Schott
Tobberdod and Mossgot
were a have and have not
bow tie and an ascot
were what each would knot
T-dod had a nanny
M-got lived with Granny
somewhere on his fanny
M had a tat said Manny
Manny made the Gulf War
Terry joined the Peace Corps
M's work made his back sore
T's stocks were all offshore
Mossgot had a bad wife
killed him with a butter knife
Tobberdod knew no strife
bought himself a new life
By Bill Schott
Faux Fred and Phony Tony
lied about their alimony
to the lawyer of their exes
from a phone in Fred's new Lexus
An unconvinced divorce attorney
took the long cross-country journey
to discover if they'd lied
about the funds now alibied
He found them both at Trader Vic's
with rented women and gold bricks
the women were both nearly bare
the gold was merely sitting there
The lawyer cleared his throat out loud
which silenced the entire crowd
of party goers dancing 'round
a pin drop was the only sound
"Your 'used-to-be's' are sadly lacking
the agreed financial backing
that makes them provided for
every day forevermore"
Phony Tony smiled and said
"Can't you see that me and Fred
have no roof above our heads
All we have are these few bricks
to build a house that isn't sticks
Report our state of destitution
and join us in this prostitution"
The lawyer made the call and lied
that further funds would be denied
then grabbed a seat twixt gold and gals
and made a toast to his new pals
By Bill Schott
Jammin' Jeffrey ripped his pants
splittin' during a '50s dance;
I see London; I see France
and a boil that should be lanced.
The sight hits my brain like a comet
causing a projectile vomit
bursting like a gooey bomb it
hits the back of Tommy Zombit.
Tommy felt the globby burst
touched his back to feel the worst
then offered this reaction first
he blew chow in Chloe's purse.
Chloe screamed and thought to faint
mumbling prayers to some odd saint
thought she was tougher; guess she ain't...
Did I mention Jeffrey ripped his 'paints'?
By Bill Schott
Axel Basil Clyde DeCloy
a most extr'ordinary boy
Known from Corpus Christi to
The Bronx, Detroit, and Juneau Zoos
He is a boy with ferret face
Breath like pepper spray or mace
A disposition like a snake
integrity just like a rake
His frame is dense with body hair
And body odor twice his share
He likes to bite and chase the cars
Read dirty books and smoke cigars
In order to his actions thwart
It was decided by the courts
To have him caged, put on display
And moved from zoo to zoo each day
Today he'll be in Timbuktu
Wildly screaming, throwing pooh
Be sure to come and see this boy
Axel Basil Clyde DeCloy
| Author Notes |
rake=degenerate
cartoon from Canstock |
By Bill Schott
Shovel Meyer saw his chance
To compete and then advance
In the game, the daily dance
For dimes in dirty under pants
Shovel was in competition
With established street traditions
Like a nudist or mortician
He spent his day in exhibition
Today was now his time to shine
Like seagulls on the foamy brine
Like spittle on his dollar wine
He'd do his dance in double time
Shovel shuffled for his dimes
Competing with the silent mimes
'Gainst fire eaters, bards with rhymes
And a guy who juggled limes
When the urban show was through
Tourists gone and people few
Shovel counted dollars -- two
Tomorrow he would start anew
By Bill Schott
Ray saw red when he read the story
Fay wouldn't say what she'd said to Rory
Sam put to sea just to see its glory
Moe didn't know there was no inventory
Ray turned blue then he blew his top
Moe called the maid and she made me stop writing.
By Bill Schott
Flippin' Freeda Funtune
Ladled on the perfume
Headed for the ladies' room
Grinnin' like a skull
Never cleared her panty hose
Pinched a loaf down to her toes
Lookin' for a fire hose
to power wash the stall
Her date was Marty Mackelroy
her floor mat and her boy toy
Freeda was his only joy
Except for all them others
Freda left for Marty's home
Her eyes were crossed and mouth afoam
and 'under the spreadin' chestnut...' poem
she 'knew' his seven brothers
Flippin' Freeda Mackelroy
Ladles rice with super soy
Rocks a little Mackelroy
who is some father's son
| Author Notes | Fun days |
By Bill Schott
Melancholy Mary Melon
Was a frequent flyer felon
Cruising for a life in stir
Should a third arrest occur.
Then there was the jewelry store
Smash and grab, an easy score
Mary made a major heist
Hauled away the hottest ice.
Mary used her common sense
Since five oh checked out every fence
She gave them to her closest friends
To pay old debts and make amends
She met a man and it wasn't long
'Til the dude had done her wrong
Her bullet was that cheater's end
Now Mary's sad and in the pen.
By Bill Schott
Jose, O'Malley, Sookie, and Sally
met up to hang out at Bob's Bowling Alley
O'Malley bought beers and Jose kept score
Sookie said "Selly, ya sich a beg ho-ah!"
Then it was on 'Woid to ya mutter'
Jose threw strikes, O'Malley the gutter
Sally threw punches but never connected
Sookie seemed safe and fully protected
Jose kept killin' the pins like a pro
O'Malley drank beer and ordered some mo'
Leaving the lanes, out with the crowd
Jose was happy, O'Malley was plowed
Sookie was singin', Sally was mute
O'Malley thought Sally looked kind of cute
Jose then noticed that Sookie was fair
Not a strike, mind you, but surely a spare
"Say there, Sookie; you seem pretty swell."
"Doan try it, man; Selly's jallus ez 'ell"
Back to their homes, they ambled that night
After high scores and no score and half of a fight
By Bill Schott
Sammy had a light repast
'fore his death this Thursday last
mouthed a prayer to his god
waited for a wink or nod
Whether it had come or not
died with Sammy on a cot
DT's shook him to the core
'til he didn't shake no more
County dug a legal hole
Sam went in without a soul
that soul's now here where I am
I wink and nod with Brother Sam
| Author Notes | I let the last line go long |
By Bill Schott
Bert and Benny bought a ring
for their girlfriend Freda Fling.
She would date Bert on the day
that the other was away.
And when Bert was out of town,
Benny would come hang around.
They decided it was fair
to approach her as a pair,
and suggest a marriage of
brother, wife, and brother love.
Freda gave a moment's thought
to the coupling that was sought.
Turned them down with no regrets,
and left to marry trip-o-lets.
By Bill Schott
By Bill Schott
Lyle Load L. Yodel Lincoln
took a bath if he were stinkin'
only closed his eyes when winkin'
at some local filly.
There was gals what liked his ways
would stay with him a couple days
then run away like they's ablaze
we thunk all them was silly.
Seems aneath his bullish bark
were a heart that had a spark
fer the kind of liltin' lark
who'd dress up prim and frilly
Weren't no womens ah that ilk
what drunk only store-bought milk
put on airs and dressed in silk
or done things willy nilly
Eventual he left our town
and went shoppin' all around
fer a pris what'd wear a gown
and be his little lily
Heard he found one in the spring
they got hitched and had a fling
now he's happy; that's the thing
love's more'n a wet willy
By Bill Schott
By Bill Schott
Michael Mayonnaise Mc Gotten
was champion of the down-trodden
hero of the misbegotten
a man with no detractor
Wandered nightly through dark alleys
looking for the Sams and Sallys
who were in life's deepest valleys
to be their benefactor
One day a creepy, caustic cretin
jumped Mc Gotten, left him beaten
crushed his skull with heavy feet and
each bone had its own fracture
His body laid there in that scene
the denizens had picked him clean
his naked body turning green
beside a trash compacter
Mc Gotten was a rarity
who never had the clarity
to see that clueless charity
gives power to bad actors
By Bill Schott
BenBen Bookolotto Bane
used to ride the northern train
through the woods near Derry, Maine
and past the gates of Hell
BenBen rode the rails for years
bumming dimes to buy some beers
to fan the never ending fears
that turned some nerves to gel
He's dollar dumb but Pennywise
now contemplating sewer-cides
folks forget so he resides
in Derry for a spell
He may be seen just as a clown
or a sad sister with a frown
but he is there to take the town
to where they'll float and smell
| Author Notes | I alluded to a couple of names and a plot piece to give this a connection to Stephen King's novel IT . Derry, Pennywise, and the sewage plant. |
By Bill Schott
Nappy Lion Nestocoocooz
called the ladies yelling yoohoos
left them bawling bitter boohoos
seeking greener grass
The "Lion" liked to play the field
stayed 'til ev'ry grape was peeled
drained them dry and left well-heeled
flying out first class
One day he met his Waterloo
her name was Nestocoocoos too
she was his daughter from a few
years back in the pas'
She had legal papers which as
it turned out drained all his riches
left him with his shirt and britches
and kicked out on his ass
By Bill Schott
Emo Fotophlem Gannixerz
became famous for elixirs
that he'd serve at college mixers
to each budding mind
It was said that his solutions
raised the inner constitutions
of students at these institutions
giving insight to the blind
Several of these educatees
opened shops on the Euphrates
or the Tigris where conflatees
sold drinks to those inclined
Now the patrons are jihadis
driving 'round in Maseratis
serving hot Gannixerz's toddies
and shooting up mankind
By Bill Schott
By Bill Schott
Spanky 'Little Sponge-o' Spenser,
at a candy bar dispenser,
kicked and tilted it until
enough had dropped to get his fill.
Next, the bottled pop machine
was moved to make it somewhat lean,
which made a soda take a tumble
into the grasp of Little Sponge-o.
Alas, the pop machine fell down,
pinning Spanky to the ground;
he ate some candy, drank his pop,
was soon arrested by a cop.
| Author Notes | Sponge World 10 |
By Bill Schott
Telly "Jellyfish" Fizzelli
was rotund with bulbous belly
amorphous fellow, little smelly
rode an electric cart
On days ending in Y he ate
like food supplies upon THAT date
would discontinue -- dissipate
from the groc'ry mart
One day he took a final munch
on deep-fried butterstick for lunch
assuredly, it’s not a hunch
that is what stopped his heart
Now that could be this poem’s ending
no denying or defending
but if a message I were sending
go back to the start (and read again)
| Author Notes | Jellyfish World 10 |
By Bill Schott
Uncle Octo Pussonelli
used to hang out at the deli
lack of hygiene left him smelly
he had a bad aroma
No suggestions made a dent
then there came the incident
one which no one could prevent
"Dare vas zo mooch droma!"
Lethal Keith came to the store
the stench of Octo made him sore
he pounded him into the floor
and put him in a coma
Now the deli smells like cheese
cold cuts, spices, in the breeze
while Uncle Octo scratches fleas
somewhere in Oklahoma
| Author Notes | Also known as ..... Octopus World 8...... |
By Bill Schott
Jimmy jumped on Jerry's back
justified in his attack
used a brick to bat his head
and kept it up 'til he was dead
Jerry's body had collapsed
his brain had sent its last synapse
when suddenly he was aware
he floated in the crime-scene air
Jimmy still seemed cruelly led
to make a mess of Jerry's head
Jerry felt that if he could
he'd inhabit Jimmy Hood
Soon he found and was surprised
to see himself through Jimmy's eyes
He had looked better, wasn't well
in fact his brains were beat to hell
Then he came up with a trick
to beat his own head with the brick
he used the block to hit his gourd
revenge would soon be his reward
It hurt a lot, so soon he stopped
his bubble for revenge had popped
then a thought occurred to him
he wasn't Jerry, now he's Jim
So he buried his remains
cleaned up blood and bones and brains
started living Jimmy's life
enjoyed his car, his home, his wife
His new life was a master plan
to be the Boss, the Chief, the Man
his life seemed blessed, a greater good
'til he was killed by Mrs. Hood
By Bill Schott
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Phil has found a plastic pipe,
with properties just like a spike,
one sharp end that looks as though
it would make an awful hole.
Tending garden is his job;
he also is Beelzebub,
when he's not receiving meds
or eating crayons colored red.
Phil was sentenced to be here
for the killing of his peers,
or until his mind is clear,
then he'll serve six hundred years.
Here comes the nurse, now he can see
just how deep the hole will be
that he makes into her chest —
then it's lunch, and get some rest.
| Author Notes | Image from Maniac ad |
By Bill Schott
Foster Osterplakinmooler
hung out by the water cooler
Trivia? He was the ruler
king of worthless data
Didn't know who's president
but had the scoop on every cent
that was ever lost or spent
in Las Vegas, Nevada
Was versed on Venus atmosphere
the shelf life of each type of beer
the quirky, jerky, odd, and queer
the happy and the sada
Unfortun'tly he didn't know
where the decimals ought to go
so the balance sheets would show
yada yada yada
Foster's now in federal stir
'cause of funds that never were
but he cer-tain-ly is sure
the rung width of a ladda
By Bill Schott
Barney Beppotoozoleema
was the ever-constant schemer
to his next job in his Beemer
he cruised into the state
Barney's buddy Pops Petasky
was his strong arm, rather nasty
Drinking from a leather flask he
Pondered the day's date
B.B. had a mark in play
The con job would be done today
he'd meet his sap at Sounder's Bay
just up from Golden Gate
Down in Texas Barney sold
the San Francisco bridge for gold
told a schmoe that he'd soon hold
the deed, so don't be late
Dexter Dimbulb soon was given
the Golden Gate for which he'd driven
up from the South where he'd been livin'
in the Lonestar State
Barney got the gold from Dex
while Pops looked tough and pumped his 'pecs'
Dimbulb grinned and asked, "What's next?"
and then he met his fate
Pops grabbed Dexter by the throat
threw him in a motorboat
went out to sea to see him float
with sixty pounds of weight
Dexter sank without a fit
Pops picked up his bullion split
Barney thought 'bout goin' legit
but too many cons await
| Author Notes | Thanks to ftbtaxman for use of the photo |
By Bill Schott
Heather Hade the Weather Maid,
meteorologist's aid,
did some more than she got paid
to do on Channel 8.
She and Fred, the station head,
had some times, or so she said,
in and out of Freddy's bed...
"Kinda like a date."
Freddy's soon-to-be ex-wife
is leaving 'cause... "He's ruined my life!"
and mentioned maybe with a knife
her husband she'd castrate.
At six p.m. we hear the weather
from meteorologist, Miss Heather,
and her assistant, dressed in leather,
Fred (sans berries) Tate.
By Bill Schott
Meltin' Milton, Magic Man
had a sideshow that he ran
with a partner, Dodo Dan,
over near the park.
Friday nights just after six,
Milton pulled his bag of tricks
and entertained the local hicks
until it was past dark.
The magic man would stand up straight,
then flow into a liquid state
and have his partner then inflate
a life-size, great white shark.
Dodo Dan would get a hose
syphon Milton through his nose
as the crowd moaned 'Ooos' and 'Ohs'
at this scene so stark.
Dodo Dan, the bloated goon,
would vomit on the shark balloon
and in the shadow of the moon
the sight of Milt's hallmark.
After this tremendous act,
Meltin' Milton stood intact;
you think it's fiction, but it's fact,
a Friday evening lark.
| Author Notes | Thanks to Judiverse for suppor |
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