Ah! That business of loyalty. When I think about it, so many questions arise. The very first time I encountered the word, as I recall now, was when few grownups of my extended clan were passionately debating something about being loyal to some countries at war with each other in Europe. Then, as a child of ten, I did not understand the meaning of the word loyalty. I thought it has a meaning that is important only to old folks, and not to children, and they do not use it even when a disagreement or quarrel happened. Then with my limited vocabulary, the word sounded lofty, and I could use it to impress my friends. It remained stuck to my mind like the chewing gum sticks to sole of your shoe. I had to find out what this word meant, because even though I did not understand the meaning, I did feel that it was something very important to those debating adults, or they wouldn't get so worked up about who's loyal to Germany and who is to our Emperor living in England. One group that included my youngest uncle and the other included our neighbor's daughter of same age. My uncle supposed to have a revolutionary mindset, so my mother used to remark to defend him whenever he would speak against the British rule. He had declared his intentions of joining some militia called National Army of India, which was forming in Japan or some other place. I did not think he knew how to get there and of course the young woman he was arguing with, they both had crush on each other. I had seen them doing some silly stuff like holding hands when they were not arguing over that war, we in India, had nothing to do. Her father was a merchant and my dad sometimes used to say that he was exploiting the war and making oodles of money by supplying the stuff needed for the army.
Now coming back to that 'Loyalty' word, I had to do something about it and the
next thing that came to my mind was to ask someone, but then, to whom? Choices were few. I could have asked Ms. Famrose, our English teacher, but then, that would have reached to all student in the school, and I saw no advantage to me.
At home, first available person at that moment was my older brother Mark. He used to be a nice and friendly brother until turned sixteen. That day arrived, and he began acting like a jerk. I wondered if some sort of magic happens on that 16th year of existence day. It makes a kind and considerate persons like Mark, start acting like self-absorbed, uncaring towards little brother person like me. He sure had turned into something different, something which I then could not name. One of Mark's fascinations with his image in the mirror, I found silly. He was spending lot more time eying that thin line of hair growing over his upper lip. He spent time focusing on how to improve the shape of that mustache. I thought he believed a shapely mustache improves chances of getting a date with some girl in his high school (I learned that from overhearing my sister telling her best friend about it).

Reluctantly, I approached him in his room, and as usual, he ignored my presence until I spoke. That turned out to be a very wrong approach; one that comes out your mouth involuntarily when one is not sure of what to say:

"What are you looking for on your face; a pimple?"

Of course, that was not what I wanted to ask, but it just came out like that. Only girls spent time in front of a mirror and boys like me; never. I used to hate when my mother used to grab me just before stepping out of house for walking to school, and pull-out brush and arrange my hair, or get a wet towel and wipe my face. Why this guy was spending time like girls arranging his face was a mystery to me then. Well, the effect of my question unnecessarily drove him insane, I thought.

"Where? Do you see one?"
Panic in his words affected me and my anxiety level went up, when I realized that I blurted out something which took the conversation in a direction which was not going to get the result I had hopped. I tried to correct that faux pas immediately.

"No; I don't see one."

That just did the opposite of what I hoped, and Mark exploded:
"You are a sneaking rat; why would you give me scare like that? Stop bothering me; I am busy, can't you see? Get lost, and don't walk on me like this again." He thundered and I left wondering about his mental health.

Frankly speaking, I did not understand then, why would a pimple scare anyone? Realizing that at that moment my brother was not going to entertain any inquiry from me, and I left him alone. Then I went in search of another learned person. As I came down from bedrooms out on the stairs that led to the living room, I saw my sister engrossed in reading something from a page of her notebook which she used to guard with her life." If I catch you coming closer to my room, you sneaky hound, I will break every bone in your body." Well, I would not have done that any way. There was nothing in her room that wanted or was curious about, as Mark's room had, and he did not mind my coming in until that day.
Nalini: my sister, who liked her short name, "Nalin" better, for a reason only she knew, had turned fourteen, and began acting like she was as old as my mother, when fixing her face. All she did in her spare time was gossiping in some secrete language with her friends. As usual, she was chatting with her friends about boys in the high school. As it is, I never thought her to be very smart or knowledgeable. I did not expect her to give me any explanation about something as important as that 'Loyalty' business bothering me.

At that time of my life, I was at all the disadvantages a last Totem on a pole, gets. No one pays attention to it, and most tourists admire the features of the top and the middle pieces. Except for my mother, rest of the family member excluding dad who was never in the business of dealing with children, were of an unflattering opinion of me, like: Always spying or eavesdropping etc., which was not true. I was by nature, a curious person eager to learn the ways and means of becoming a respected adult. Getting respected for something like Mark, as a debonair, and Nalini, a cleaver and instead of what I got: "cute and cuddly" sorts of descriptions with wet kisses. I hated receiving them on my cheeks from visiting aunts.
At that moment I decided to put aside that quest and ask a neutral person like our grandpa, in our next visiting trip to his home. For time being, I slept over it, and then, the next day it disappeared altogether. That quest got set aside for ever, so I thought until I discovered that the memory of that, really did not disappear at all.

In a vacant moment, at my ripe old age, that subject popped up again, could be accidently, or providentially; I do not know. It has been a long journey to reach to this stage of life, and yet, it doesn't look like my time to hang my gloves is near. I often wondered at this:
Why some fold their tents and move into the safe housing; and individuals like me keep pitching and uprooting the tents and keep moving from post to post.
It seems there is some strange game our destiny plays with life. Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned from it. In that frame of thoughts occupying my mind, another thought showed up-where I was going? Answer that emerged, astonished me.
While reading some literature on the Gnostic Gospels of Thomas, I came across the famous Apocryphal Acts of Peter'. In that I found a Latin term, "Quo Vadis?", (in the general English translation it means 'Where are You going?). The narrative in the Apocryphal Acts, goes like this which I am penning from my memory here:

"Peter, on the road to Rome after the crucifixion, suddenly finds himself in front of Risen Jesus in person. Frightened to see him in flesh, he does not know what to say and blurts out, "Quo Vadis?" and Jesus replies:

"Romam eo iterum Crusifigi." (Going to Rome for getting crucified again!).

Remember, Peter had denied knowing him when Romans asked, if he was with Jesus. That loyalty principle then came in the picture, and perhaps, there was sarcasm in Jesus' reply. It triggered the memory of that forgotten childhood incidence. Now as an adult, I could not ignore it, and that childhood memory came alive. How does that interaction between Jesus and Peter relates to the Loyalty? Let me explain my point of view.

The travels of my life, despite of disruptions, I think had been very interesting indeed. While living in India, I learned so many Indian languages just by being with people who spoke in them around me. Later, after moving to the USA, I studied French and Latin during my college days. I wondered about it how I could do that quick learning? Then it dawned on me that it could be because of my 3-year education in the oldest language- the Sanskrit, from which all the other Indo-European languages have emerged.
Now, I am playing the last inning of my life, and I find myself struggling with the memory of same languages which I spoke in my youth and middle age fluently. Why is this happening to me? I now ask myself. The answer is this: I learned languages out of necessity of the time and environment; in a sense, for a self-serving causes. I did not love them nor remained loyal to them. I did not seek perfection and proficiencies. That may be a normal way to get on with life.
The fundamental question I should have asked, but did not when I was young, stepping into new unfamiliar domain, leaving behind that world of familiarity and protection, is this question; one that has risen in my mind now at a time to call it quits. It is in front of me: " Where I am going with this loyalty business? "Quo Vadis?"
But then, how can I blame myself or anyone else, for such vicissitude, when we, the greatest of all the species on this planet have experienced declining loyalties to truth, kindness and honesty and above all to our Mother Nature?
Let me explain from where such thinking has emerged in my conscience:
We humans have been facing this nature's furry via news channels and internet for a long time. So many have experienced it personally as victims of wildfires, storms and floods, and also our history has been shouting it at us from the rooftop telling us, "Open your eyes", and yet, knowingly, the humanity has refused to believe in the consequences of the disloyalties we have displayed to our own existence.
Is this the 'absurdity of human mind' that Camus wrote about, and Fyodor Dostoyevsky presented in ' Brothers Karamazov'? Is it not a good reason to believe that the God, if at all exists, has nothing to do with the creation of Adam and Eve; The irrational and illogical duo, placed upon this planet!
To whom or to what values we then ought to pledge our loyalty? If today the traditional God concept has become invalid for many, then what is left? Country or nation? I already have moved from one to another, then who do I choose, and with what criteria? Nation, Country, Faith - all these human concepts; only we have created them and come to think about it, what have we achieved by placing our loyalty to those concepts? All it has delivered is this:
More compartmentalization of the humanity and a systematic division by shape of a nose or color of skin, or the Gods we believe in, to list a few! Irony is this did not happen in the communities of our distant relatives, the primates. And here we are in the twenty first century: Still busy sowing that poisonous seeds of distrusts, hate and disunity, and for what? To which of those entities that define us should I be loyal to?
The paradox my life this is:
"I don't have an answer and can't be without having loyalty to somethingâ"? some entity, some place, some family, society; or else, I wouldn't know how to reconcile with the idea of my being as a Homo Sapient-Self."
The first 'Self', one that the Brahma created; one of the Upanishads, the Hindu scripture described it a long time ago. It goes something like this in my words:
"The 'I' opened eyes, and there was no light, and he was frightened; he was alone! He then thought:
'I am alone! There is no one else besides me here, then to whom should I be afraid of?'
Fear then departed, and he was alone again in that vast beyond.... "
There is more to that story of Hindu Genesis, but I do not remember the rest.
Now, I too, am alone, but by choice; just like the first 'I', my fear too has departed because I realized that I don't have to be loyal to anything, anyone, but to that first 'I' principle; one that made me different from the Chimpanzee; a true Homo sapient animal; the only specie that I know, has the potential to be evolved, and that too for only one purpose:
For achieving that spiritual summit of this creation; the mythical mountains of Kailash, Sinai or any other. A place that Mahayana Buddhist call, "Land of Amitabha' (Unending illumination). The yoga discipline of the ancient seer, 'Patanjali' of India gave a path to the spiritual unity with the force of creation itself. Here there is no need for loyalty to any God, faith, or a doctrine. I know that I do not have any need of that; everything I need spiritually or physically to get on with my life is within me; I received it already at birth. Now all I must do is to recognize its nature and give up the physical part, seek the path, and hope it is leading to our spiritual nature. It is not easy to explain and maybe that's why it is in French we address it as:
"Je ne sais quois!" General transliteration is, 'Certain Something'.

Author Notes

These are reflections of one person and not intended to preach or convey any special message to anyone, nor it is for criticism of any system, religious thinking. It's a flow of sentiments penned just to express one's anguish of seeing where we as a human race is going: "Quo Vadis?

On a sunny day of a summer long gone.
She arrived in my life like the Monarchs
Appear in the blooming garden to meet.
Butterfly of exotic species in a human form.
Found the way to my heart, and love sprang.
A feast of ambrosia and nectar she set for me,
Bewitched and drunk I followed her to forest.
I fell into the pool of ecstasy, paradise anon.
Lost sense of time and space; love carried the day.
But 'time and tide wait for no one' they say.
It moved, and the summer came to an end.
My butterfly one day got up and left with time.
Nature's laws don't allow her to settle on a spot.
She moved to another garden where summer went.
My sojourn in that magical world ended with that.
I miss my butterfly but do not resent her the least.
Flowers in the garden know it's a way of her life.
A butterfly comes and goes, moving with the time.
A midsummer night's dream it was for a poet and
He woke up from it to narrate the butterfly tell.

Author Notes

So many dreams and desires arise and disappear and only the imagination gives a relief from that feeling of unfulfilled hopes and desires. Butterfly of our desires come and go with growing up.

Chapter 43
Alter Ego, And Me-A Conversation

By Niyuta

I
"Claiming a metamorphosis? "Asked my alter ego.

"You don't recognize me; why?" I questioned.

"New Avatar emerged- old wine in new bottle?"

"Non Privoto boni*-this is what I am now," I replied.

"Indeed! It's you-the Latin spitting, and vain amigo."

"Think as you like; it's I, reborn with a new vision."

II

"Ha; haven't we been there before?
Changing mask, with attire; but what's new now?"

"Be cynical as much as you want, it's new me."

"What happened to old 'you'; Funeral at sea?

"Went nowhere; it's the transforming change."

"What happened to the Evil in you?"

III

"Be skeptic all you want; I am a good fellow now."

"Ah! A reformed soul, with kind heart-but my question? "

"Evil doesn't go anywhere, like one leaving a room."

"Evil then is not a material thing with substance?"

"Certainly not! It's the opposite of the Natural Good!"

"What then happens when that good departs?"

IV

"The absence of good controls the mind, and
Vices arrive to rule the psyche."

"Define vice? What are we talking about?"

"It's nothing but the privation of the natural good.**"

"Nonsense! That is one 'Amor Fati'*** statement!"

"You have classic, 'Je ne sais quoi'**** approach.
What can I say? I give up; you win; I don't care."

Author Notes

Notes: * Latin phrase Meaning: Absence of good. A cynical way poet uses adjective,' Non' to say, "I am good". ** "Privation of Natural Good"-A defining remark of Neo-Platonist Philosopher of 9th or 10th century, 'Platonios about the privation of natural good in humanity. *** Nietzsche's statement indicating, 'Love for the Fate'. Here, argument about the definition of good and evil is rejected by the alter ego as, a not supportive but of depending upon the vagaries of fate. **** The French cliche, generally translated in English as- " certain something", indicative of vagueness. Here, the argument is aborted by the poet by saying: "Your point about the Good and Bad definition may have some uncertain values.

Chapter 44
The Dancing Dolphins on the Wave

By Niyuta

I

On a corner of a beach in a pensive mood,
Hiding from the world, a brooding soul,
Lost in thoughts, maybe of approaching doom.

II

Disappointed in love perhaps, or bored with spouse,
Nursing wounds or searching meaning of life,
Nothing coming to please that desolate soul,

III

As if an Angel watching over him from the above,
A school of Bottle-nose Dolphins came in the view,
A troupe of ballerinas of the sea performing.

IV

A courtly repertoire to choose, for the oceans' king.
Poseidon on the thrown and the Angles above,
The performance of the Dolphins began.

V

Four in a group, in rows they glided in the air,
Came down in a dive, slicing the waves,
Then came the batch of five following the four.

VI

Rhythm of waves, and in unison moves,
The coordinated jumps in the air and,
Swift entry in the bosom of ocean blue.

VII

Watching that display of the Ballerina of the sea,
Those Bottle-nose Dolphins, lifted the spirits,
Took the forlorn soul out of gloom.

VIII

Vivid memories of the life's joys of past,
Sprung up in his mind, like a fountain of colors,
In a garden of the Royal class.

IX

This is the blessing of Mother Nature we have.
In a pensive mood or when melancholy reigns,
Turn to the splendors of earth that invites all.

X

Walk in the wilderness, and hug the Maples,
Take stroll on a beach and watch sunset.
Life is absurd, ups and downs its ways.

XI

Beat back the thoughts of doom and gloom,
Life is given to us, not to end or take,
But to cherish the birth and celebrate the death.

XII

Nothing lasts forever, all goes the way it comes,
Enjoy what you can, the beauty of nature is eternal,
This birth for Karma; let's do our Dharma* as best as we can,

XIII

We don't know what awaits us, after life is over?
Some say, the law of Karma, that alone counts,
Ephemeral is the life; wealth and fame left behind.

Author Notes

Note: * 'Dharma' is a Sanskrit word, now part of the English vocabulary, meaning- assigned Duties and Responsibilities.

Chapter 45
Leave The past Behind.

By Niyuta

I
Stillness in the air, and the pretending tranquility.
It is the calm before the expected emotional storm.
Fluxing its muscles, with the agonizing thoughts.

II
Reality of life; a divorce and family split apart.
Snatching the control of children, anger rules,
Designing ways and means to hurt former spouse.

III
Children in the middles, brainwashing begins,
Filling lies in their heads, and contempt for father,
The new life begins with ever smoldering amber.

IV
Time passes and son grows, not knowing his dad.
Loving and worshiping the wealthy uncles and aunts
Unsuccessful in life to accumulate wealth, a dad lives.

V
Learned to face lone life, he watches from a distance,
Son he heard getting married, still known by family-name.
Is this cruelty of fate, or a scheme of vengeance of the Gods?

VI
Daughter in law arriving, and he is not there welcoming.
The tranquility of mind, he thought was his strength,
Crumbling down, it appeared to him, in this storm.

VII
I must get away from this ominous emotional wind.
Let go of the relations, which were never meant to stay,
If the stillness of mind desires, and then leave past behind.

VIII
"Is this the only solution?" The listening alter ego asked.
"Pains and suffering my attachment to memories caused'
Like Siddhartha of Hermann* Hess, I must follow my path".

IX
Leaving behind in the past, -wife, son, and in-laws,
Friends and kinfolks, live with you when gravy is hot,
When honey goes, so do the bees; it's the fact we face.

X
Free to chart my course unattached, my journey has began.
When banks of the celestial river I see with eyes closed,
Quest ends here; with a tranquil, and peaceful heart, I rest.

Author Notes

* Reference to 'Siddhartha' -Hero of Hermann Hess' novel: Named after Hero, is made to indicate similarity between the poet's mindset at that point, and that of the hero letting go of his attachment to his teenager son, when later runs away from him.

Chapter 46
The Reunion

By Niyuta

Years passed and we drifted away when the destiny called.
Aging-- the curse of time that takes the tole of body.
Ravaged once youthful beauty, and yet, when I met her again,
I saw nothing, but the lovely visage that my mind had stored.
A face that captured my heart upon the first sight; eons past.
It is not this aged body, but the pilgrim soul which I loved,
In my bosom it lived intact, and now I behold it in flesh again.

Author Notes

Life's cruelty includes separation of two individuals deeply in love by the circumstances, sometimes also adds to it the reunion when the lovers are facing the sunset days. Sentimental journey backwards towards the days past and a poem is born.

Chapter 47
Fighting the Emotional Storm.

By Niyuta

I
Accidental encounter with the one,
After giving endless joy and dreams of tomorrow.
Long ago had disappeared in the cloud,
Dreams, indeed, they were, never meant to last.
II
Foolish heart of twenty and some.
Never understood the Cupid's game of love.
Like the midsummer dream, it vanished,
With the first arrival of the Autumn's cooling.
III
Life passed as it does with the seasons.
Years role as easy with the earth's rotations.
Life must go on as the 'Amor Fati'* demands,
And we move on from the unforgettable dreams.
IV
Why then the chanced encounter with that love,
One that but was ephemeral, and vanishing sorts,
Then why must it create that emotional storm?
Fire, once warmed one's soul, it seems, never dies.
V
Fell apart with the sight of the lost love,
Time ravaged face I want, I need her cries came,
Pretended tranquility; a facade indeed, I carried,
Storming gale of emotions sent to wipe resistance.
VI
Am I ready to bend with the wind or fight,
A battle we know often have been lost,
Do I surrender to the force of love,
And rekindle the fire of love that almost died?
VII
A charade, played with the human heart,
Who's that player, amusing him, or herself?
Where humanity, a pawn in this cruel game,
Of a Cat-and -Mouse game of love and loss.

Author Notes

* Amor Fati in Latin means, 'love of fate'; a philosophical view presented by Friedrich Nietzsche: what happens in oneâ??s life, we have no control of it, and is to be accepted as, a â??necessaryâ?? happening. Poem is a representation of effect on the mind of poet when faced by the real event,

Chapter 48
Conversation With Myself on the

By Niyuta

"I" exist; "I" do not!
Creation is real; Creation is Maya!
Cosmoses exists; Cosmoses do not!
Creator is; He never was!
Dissolution will happen; Certainly not!
A binary game, like Ping-Pong is it?
Someone is playing with me I wonder.
It's a paradox indeed.
I know I am playing but don't see;
who the other player is!
To end this absurd duality of "0-01";
I borrow a Latin Phrase from
*Horace's 'Ars Poetica (1,78):
"Et adhuc sub judice lis est."

Author Notes

* Horace Roman lyric Poet's Ars Poetica (The Art of Poetry) Transliterated as, "It (the matter) is still before the Court'. Here, poet finds subterfuge in the phrase used in the legal jargon to avoid responding to a question that is without answer.

One of thousands of stories, poems and books available online at FanStory.com You've read it - now go back to FanStory.com to comment on each chapter and show your thanks to the author!

© Copyright 2015 Niyuta All rights reserved. Niyuta has granted FanStory.com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.

© 2015 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy Statement