By Dopeless Hopefiend
The darkness is breathing, consuming, relieving,
As it forbids me to see, is this real?
My heart's quickly beating, as judgment is fleeting,
Solely reliant on instinct for a meal.
Daylight is breaking, the sun's heat is baking,
My body is aching for "again."
I feel I'm better off taking, my head off to make me,
Stand-still and stop shaking, I pretend.
Yet they see me faking, this picture I'm painting,
Around court dates, the waiting suspense.
Everyday I'm out making a choice that just may be - -
The last decision I make ever again.
Such a cruel world, tell me how can we step - -
outside for how far can we get?
These streets are so crawling with "Walkers" who are clawing,
at anything worth a dollar or cent.
I cannot sleep, I cannot eat,
My head burns, but I head back to the fire.
You hear it's safe here out east, but you know talk is cheap,
Now honesty is only as true as the liar.
How do we continue on through this dread?
We all do things that we learn to regret,
Yet despite how I feel, this is all so real,
and I am but a meal for the dead.
| Author Notes | All rights reserved. |
By Dopeless Hopefiend
I'm on the brink, it's closing in, it's everywhere I look.
Outside my shade shut window, in every line of this book.
Everything's the same, on every screen, every thought, every dream,
Hear your name, want to scream, this was never what it seemed.
She whispers soft, her hand is gentle, as it consumes all that I love.
She recreates me, as just a stencil, a bare minimum of what I was.
She sells me bridges when there is no river, I'm investing everyday.
When the day comes that I cross them, she assures I'll be repaid.
I can't see through her lies, but I can feel the change within - -
Like a million parasites burrowing underneath my skin.
I beg to be but spared, then I beg for her to take me.
Then I blame various conditions for decisions I am making.
I tried once, I tried twice, now I'm pressed for patience.
You broke me down, congratulations, here is your ovation.
I once was doing oh so well, and you remind me everyday
Of the day that I had been so weak to give it all away.
I'm tired, God, I'm oh so tired, when is enough- - enough?
When will this war inside me end? When do I become the love?
Sometimes she kicks me when I'm down, sometimes she tells me "Never."
Sometimes she reads these lines with a frown, and lets me think I'm clever.
Sometimes I ask how long she'll stay, because somedays I feel better
Those days she looks away to say, she reckons this is forever.
One day I'll change I swear it's true, I have watched myself decay.
One day I'll stop, stop it all, but that day is not today.
I may hold my secrets, I may spell out my lies,
But I know one day I will have to admit; I'm dying.
I can tell I am at the crossroad where my two worlds collide,
and well, the best thing for me to do - - is to keep lying.
It scares me that I'm not scared.
| Author Notes | Chapter one gives you a more literal peak into a mind in the fragile state of early addiction. |
By Dopeless Hopefiend
I have been building castles in sand, by the ocean - -
for the sidewalk is just too concrete.
And when the waves crashed ashore, my castle lye torn,
You appeared, and I never had felt so complete.
I was star struck, so beautiful, with the wind in the air - -
As it picked up the sand into strands of our hair.
She had held me so broken, and promised the world.
With my chest against hers, buried face in her curls.
My love is divided, between companion and substance,
But my companion IS substance, to me that's what love is.
She carried similar burdens, fought a relevant a battle.
Fell under the herd, and leaped back on the saddle.
I felt something the day, that I had been longing to feel
I felt love and felt loved, without judgement or appeal.
I felt I was safe, I felt no need to lie,
And for that very moment I did not need to get high.
I was never so honest, that night on the dunes,
Where we sipped on our tonics by the light of the moon.
Shoulder to shoulder, our toes lost in the sand
We walked by the water and she offered her hand;
She told me her secrets, professed all of her habits,
Made me feel I was needed, then confessed she's an addict.
She exploited my weakness, but vowed it never would beat us,
If only she had known I was as crazy as she was.
Still I would become her castle, in the sand by the ocean - -
She became my rose in concrete.
but when waves broke the shoreline, the sand we would fall on,
washed away and pulled us out to sea.
I wish I was there to protect her from me.
| Author Notes | DISCLAIMER: This book is a reflection on my past. Nothing I have written reflects my current social status or mind state. |
By Dopeless Hopefiend
Simple disagreements causing you to flee
I wish you had seen this just as clear as me.
Curtains closing and they're throwing roses at your feet
I wish you had seen this just as clear as me.
I watched your eyes glaze over, high on morphine and misery
I watched the drugs take over, as your dependency made history
I foresaw this coming, darling, you are just not quite the mystery,
We both know once you are sober, that is when you're missing me.
I can watch you leave, and I can still get high,
I can do everything alone that we did, you & I.
I can get drunk on the beach, I can get lost in the sky,
I can do everything alone that we did, you and I.
Lonely hearts plead for solace, lonely minds pray for change,
It's the only way that we'll be keeping sane.
The agrestic see no polish, the divine rely on faith,
Sometimes the only feat is to sustain.
Annie, where are you going? Seems you left your heart at home,
Seems there is no place for it beneath that skin and bone.
Annie, how are you leaving across bridges you have blown?
When you haven't friends that you can call your own?
Annie, darling, baby, darling, this just isn't you,
Annie, sweetheart, did you think this through?
Annie, darling, baby, darling, is there nothing I can do?
To make you see, without me, there is no you?
Frankly, Ann, you are leaving about all you have to lose.
Frankly, all of your lifelines have been used.
Oh! Annie, dollface, baby, darling, is there room for more than two?
Because you can take all of these skeletons with you.
Although the dead can't help the dead, so what will you do?
| Author Notes |
I would just like to say I am not out to win a popularity contest, but none of this reflects the person I am today. If you are passing judgement on me based on my work, you can stop here. This is just the beginning. We were relentlessly cruel to each other during our active addiction, and I recorded years of it in poetry and diary entries word for word, and I will not be censored. I would like everyone to know the full effect addiction has on every aspect of life.
To everyone else; thanks for reading this poem and the rant following! I love you all! =] |
By Dopeless Hopefiend
This is in the point of view of Ann, speaking to me over the phone.
She begins hostile and unforgiving, but seems to have a change of heart in the midst of arguing. Halfway through, she takes an entirely new approach to the conversation.
Like a book that told of love, you made plans to last forever,
But there is a shadow's glare where I once saw the sun's.
I used to hang on every letter, you say the second time is better,
but I have no interest reading novels more than once.
I'm not some dirty habit for your taking or disposing,
I'm not just a broken heart and pretty face.
I'm no dime-bag of bliss that you submit to in your loathing,
But I hope the love it gives to you can take my place.
You can act so cold, so apathetic, have no concern,
Then you will proceed to ask me why I look depressed.
I have sat and burned next to your flame enough to learn,
that you are too far gone to notice my distress.
My fear for you runs deep, nothing will ever be enough,
But wait! I see the ailment deep within your soul;
Nobody can help me say this, for there's nobody that you trust,
You let go so easy when things get hard to hold
Mercy! The epiphany that I had is so profound,
It occurred as I had swam across the sky.
Soon I will come down, and my feet will grace the ground,
And never again should we attempt to fly.
My love, you are, my darling man, my shine in knighting armor,
Just take my hand, I'll lead us to the light
We are doomed lest we confront the hopelessness we harbor,
It will take some aid for us to win this fight.
So gather your belongings, leave the negative at home,
Another hit is you succumbing to the violence.
Darling are you there? Are you even on the phone?
I can hear your breathing murmur in the silence...
I suppose the quiet says you're in denial,
Why don't you pull this parachute while in mid-dive?
If you hit the ground, the earth will quake for miles,
The avalanche will bury us alive.
The phone call would end, without my response to her proposal.
| Author Notes |
Here I am showing you how spontaneous and sporadic our thought process was, and her willingness to stop using when she's already high.
I would like to thank everybody for showing support! FanStory is awesome, and so are you! *Eunoia is an english word of greek origin meaning beautiful thinking. |
By Dopeless Hopefiend
It has been ten or twelve hours since Ann called, I had consumed a cocktail of opiates, anti-depressants, and peyote, specifically to spite her suggestion. In the ensuing inebriation, I had believed I had seen my addiction take the form of a dark, shadowed figure. Waving money and drugs at me mockingly, it spoke to me, encouraging me to indulge further, and maybe more.
"Am I real? Or are you dreaming?
Through this dark, am I the light you see?
Despite if it's real, you're no more a being...
For I am the devil you have learned to be.
Revel in the chaos, go on, dancing with your demons.
You can plead and cry for help, but it is only you who sees them.
This evil pays in gold, but the collecting done with blood.
Your soul willingly sold, you're best to comfort in the numb.
Revel won't you? Revel!
You are not enjoying this enough.
You cannot press rewind on father time,
You can't stop death's crawl upon the love.
Revel, fool, now revel!
Believe that smile on your face!
Enjoy the fruits of life's adulteration,
For I assure you it loses taste.
Chaotic is it? Revel! While you still feel the pain!
For a time will come,
When you're but none.
Just a face in a picture frame.
So take advantage of newborn freedom,
Dip your tongue into bliss's brook.
Even Adam capitulates to Eden.
Past the cover, you may enjoy the book.
Today you are nothing but a name,
Ah! But isn't it so sweet?
No one to force any blame,
On what you say makes you complete?
I speak to you, but speak for thine,
I speak on behalf of your innermost devil.
If tomorrow comes, and you do not wake up,
She would revel, we'd watch Ann revel.
Life is just another dream,
On this rose you're but a dying petal.
As malevolent as this all may seem,
I'm just the whistle of your burning kettle.
Through breaking skin with metal,
Plunges bliss, your stomach settles.
My hands to wheel, your foot to pedal,
Burning up your arm, go ahead and revel."
My phone rang. Startled, I awoke, glancing at the screen praying to see Ann's name. It was not her, but instead my supplier. Amidst the internal battle taking place, his timing was impeccable. I answered.
| Author Notes |
Obviously, I would go on to purchase that day, to further my already out-of-control binge. A human's body can only take so much before it gives out, and that's exactly what it did. It is called 'Falling out' among the opiate addicts, and it happens more often than you're lead to believe. Terribly, it is an accepted risk. Essentially it is an overdose, but a good percentage of the time the addict's tolerance is so high, the body processes the drug and hours later they awake. When the addicts tolerance is too low, the respiratory system fails and they do not wake up. Find out what happens next, in CH. 6.
(This is a semi-biographical non-fiction work. It is the past, so please do not review or comment as if this is happening to me, specifically, right now. Review it as if it is a character narrating. For my returning readers, this is not for you, as I am sure you know.) |
By Dopeless Hopefiend
There was a moment, a minute, where I thought this could be right.
If I dig too deep inside, I feel I may just lose my mind.
Mostly, it's never what I am looking for that I happen to find.
If I could paint you a picture, it would be in black and white.
There would be no color other than the green of trees.
Perhaps the lightest of blue shading that is accenting the breeze.
A pencil penned a bench, and a street lamp is neutral grey,
And where a sun should be above, there is the moon, and it's midday.
The clouds are but an outline, and there are stars scattered about...
Some birds are flying overhead; they represent my doubt.
I'd draw myself in on the ground, bending backwards, acrobatic.
Looking at the world so upside down, and I, as well, am achromatic.
And the animals around me stand attentive, stare in awe.
My hips are pulling toward the sky, and my back is off the floor.
They are staring where I'm staring; are they seeing what I saw?
Or does what they're seeing have some meaning? For all I see is flaw.
There was a moment, for a minute, where I thought this could be right.
Yet, I would dig too deep inside and, evidently, lose my mind.
This time it's only what I was looking for that I happened to find
Think something's wrong for long enough, and it stops feeling right.
Close your eyes for long enough, and there will be nothing left in sight.
| Author Notes | This is an actual excerpt from my journal at the time the events in the previous chapter were taking place. It describes my view of the world, from my eyes; a seasoned addict coming off of a long bender, identifying his sober perception of the world. It has been a while since I posted anything, so I urge all readers to take a gander at past chapters and acquaint yourself with the atmosphere, and state of mind. Most of the chapters in this book are pretty intense, so this is sort of a break. A short look into my mind during one of the few times during the time period I was actually sober. |
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