ethveg: Have you seen Disney on ice? (He is, you know.) For those who don't get it, there is a rumor (apparently untrue) about Walt's having been cryogenically preserved. |
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ethveg: Two Saudis emigrated to America with their families. Meeting on the plane, the two fathers made a bet about who could become more "Americanized" in their first year. As agreed, they meet exactly one year later. The first guy pulls up in the Walmart parking lot, in his SUV, and says to the second guy "I win: I just dropped my son off at Little League, I stopped at McDonalds on my way here, and I'm on my way to pick my daughter up from cheerleading practice. There's no way you can be more American than I am." And the second guy says "Why don't you go back where you came from, towelhead!" This joke (a sad commentary on current-day America, but one of my favorites) should certainly be offensive to someone, but as a friend of mine said, those who should be offended by it (currently the New Yorkers and others protesting the building of the mosque near "ground zero") are not bright enough to recognize that fact. |
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ethveg: This one was the "top rated joke in England" according to "LaughLab", a UK site. I think that given that fact, the first four words of the joke are a laugh all by themselves (and I live in NJ): Two New Jersey hunters were in the woods looking for game when one of them fell to the ground, unmoving. The other shook him and yelled "Are you okay? Talk to me!" but got no reply. So he pulled out his cell phone and called 911: "HELP me," he cried, "I'm in the woods with a buddy and he just fell down and he's not moving. I think he's dead. What should I do?" The 911 operator replied "I can help you. Just calm down. First, make sure he's really dead." The line went quiet for a moment, then the operator heard the sound of a shotgun blast, and the voice came back on: "Okay, now what do I do?" |
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ethveg: This guy gets a parrot. But all the bird does is curse at him all day. Not just generalized cursing, but cursing _at him_: "You #@*!, you son of a $%&! You're nothing but a *$@! The guy does everything he can to make friends with the parrot, giving him treats, speaking sweetly to him, complimenting him on what a handsome bird he is, but to no avail. After three days the bird is still at it: The guy's in the kitchen making supper and the bird's on a counter cursing him out. Having had enough, the guy grabs the parrot, sticks him in the freezer and closes the door, thinking maybe a minute or two of cold and dark will "scare him straight." For about twenty seconds he hears a terrible, muffled squawking coming from the freezer, and then there's complete silence. Frightened that he may have harmed the parrot, the guy opens the freezer, and the bird steps out, looks him in the eye, and says: "If I've offended you I apologize. I meant no disrespect. I give you my word that from this point on I'll be very polite." Stunned by this change, the guy picks the bird up so he can close the freezer door, and as he does the parrot says "May I ask what the chicken did?" |
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ethveg: A brunette on a river bank sees a blonde on the far shore and yells to her: "How do I get to the other side of the river?" And the blonde yells back "You're ON the other side." |
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ethveg: Two babies were born in the same hospital on the same day and ended up in adjacent basinettes in the nursery. Eighty-five years later, by coincidence, each of them is admitted to the same hospital with a "terminal" diagnosis, and they end up in the same two-bed semi-private room. And one of them looks over and says to the other "So, what did you think?" This joke is from Steven Wright. Many people, even some who are very bright, say about this joke that they "don't get it." I suspect that the humor depends on the listener's already having a meta-perspective on life, so I think of it as "a Buddhist joke." |
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ethveg: Rene Descartes walks into a McDonalds and orders a veggieburger. The guy behind the counter asks "Do you want fries with that?" Descartes replies "I think not," and poof - he disappears. |
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ethveg: I came back in the a.m. to post two poems, so I'll add another joke while I'm here, this one in the same vein as the previous two-liner, but it's a one-liner with a deeper syntactic-pun structure: If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to _buy_ her friends? |
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ethveg: In case anyone bothers to come to this page, I've decided to post jokes I like, probably one each day that I log on to the site. In general, I repeat jokes which seem to me to have something I think of as "structural integrity". Here"s the first, which someone on this site already wrote "LOL" about: Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. |
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