frompastorjim: The Affair â??Pastor, this is a very serious charge. Did you have an affair with your secretary?â?? â??Yes sir, I did!â?? â??Comon Jim, I know you better than that. What is going on?â?? â??Well, Charles, you are right. I did not have sex with her physically, but in my mind, yes, I did many times and Jesus said that if a man thinks it, he has already done it.â?? â??My life is a wreck . . . a complete shambles . . . I am nothing but a fake.â?? â??Tell me about it, please, Jim.â?? â??Charles, all my life, I have loved Jesus, even before I became â??savedâ??. From my earliest recollections, all I can remember is being in love with God. Then one day as a teenager, I was asked if I ever personally entered into a relationship with Jesus. I had no idea what he was talking about, but he had an inner joy and peace that I did not, so I did as he said and asked Jesus into my heart. Well, my life changed so radically. Suddenly, I was filled with such an incredible joy and peace.â?? â??I know, Iâ??ve always known that about you. You are such a great man of God. Thatâ??s why I knew this could not be true. Tell me more.â?? â??From that day on, I have tried my best to serve my new master, my Lord and God, Jesus. It was wonderful! I was in love with life! My whole life changed, it took on real meaning. Every day, I studied my Bible. I was so hungry to know God, to know all about him. I read so many books about how to know God better and how to pray. I was fascinated with all that I read. â??Then one day, my whole life changed. I remember that day so well. My Pastor, Andy asked me to consider becoming a Pastor. I was so thrilled. I enrolled in Seminary with great excitement and expectations. â??At first, everything was great. Then one day, my student advisor told me that she did not like me and that I would have a hard time in this seminary, because I was a â??Jesus freakâ??. â??I didnâ??t know what that meant, but soon I discovered that some of my professors felt the same way and they gave me poor grades. I had to work twice as hard as most of the other students. â??When the day came that I graduated, I met with the Bishop and he asked me to take a â??specialâ?? assignment. Three small churches, which were â??nasty,â?? and fighting with each other, and within each other. â??I was honored that he believed in me so much. After three years of struggling with professors who treated me as a â??scum of the earthâ?? â??Well, I did my best to bring peace and the love of Jesus. All the leaders of the churches claimed to be â??born again-committed Christians, but they were evil-mean-spirited people who treated each other very harshly. I could not believe it.â?? (Long moan) â??Yes, Jim, I know. Unfortunately there are many small churches like that, even some large churches like that. I am so sorry, so incredibly sorry that you had to go through that. It breaks my heart to think and to know that â??Godâ??s peopleâ?? treat their pastors like that. It is an evil stain on our churches.â?? â??The more I tried to help them, the more I somehow ended up in the middle. Some of them were very vicious in their attacks on me calling me names right in church in front of the other people. Names like â??the most unspiritual Pastor they had ever hadâ?? or â??greedy-money-hungryâ??. That one hurt the most. I was being paid so low that, although they did not know it, I was forced to live on food stamps.â?? â??I spent many many nights crying myself to sleep. I only had one â??true friendâ?? in the church. One day, I decided to confide some of my struggles in him. As soon as I started to speak, he put up his and asked me to stop. He said, he could not listen to my problems, my job was to listen to his. Since that day, I have never ever attempted to ask help from anyone.â?? Shaking his head slowly, Charles, my Supervisor, started crying. I waited till he stopped. â??Charles, are you alright?â?? â??Yes, sorry, please go on.â?? â??In the midst of this, my wife and I were caring for my aging father who was slowly dying. All of this was getting to be too much for my wife. She never â??signed onâ?? for any of this especially all of this. One day she told me she did not love me anymore and maybe even hated me. She wanted me to quit the church and get a job driving a dump truck for one of the meanest men in my church. She even stopped having sex with me or even letting me hug her.â?? Now tears were flowing down my face and I noticed that Charles was crying too. We both sat there in his office, for several minutes waiting . . . waiting for the tears to stop. Charles placed his hand on my shoulder. â??You need not continue, Jim, I have heard enough. If you want you may continue.â?? Slowly I raised my head. â??Charles, this is the hardest part. My dad died, despite my believing that God would heal him, now my wife hated me and the churches hated me. Now, I believed for the first time in my life . . . that even God no longer loved me. I stood on a small hill behind the church and cried and cried. Why God? What did I do wrong? I prayed and prayed for a Godly wife and waited till you provided one and now she hates me! Everyone hates me. Only my two small children love me. If it were not for them, I would kill myself. I dropped to my knees and just cried. â??Janice, my secretary could see what was going on. She was one of the most beautiful creatures God ever made. She treated me so nicely. She worked from home. One day, when I went to pick up the church bulletin from her, she opened the door, when I knocked, dressed only in a flimsy-see-thru pink night gown. I could see her entire naked body right through it. I was so shocked! She had the most beautiful body God had ever created and she was offering it to me. Me who had not had any sex in years, me, who had not had any loving or affection for years, ME! I was both honored and shocked. I felt that to do this would be the end of my ministry, the end of all I believed so strongly in. But, what was really left for me? My wife hated me, the churches hated me and now even God hated me. AND this was the woman I had fantasized about many times. I had dreamed about a moment like this so often and now it was here.â?? â??What did you do?â?? â??I spun around so quickly I almost broke the screen door and ran as fast as I could to my car. Drove to the church, ran inside and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and cried. Why was all this happening to me? Four years ago when I first came here, I was the â??knight in shining white armor come to rescue the church.â?? Now look at me, a total failure! What should I do now? Where would I go? The church owns me. I have no home (except the church parsonage), no money, no future, nothing. I shouted out loud in the empty church â??God what have you done to me? WHY?â?? â??When I walked through the doors of the church on Sunday, I could tell that something was wrong. By the time I arrive from the other church, they usually are singing the first Hymn. No one was singing, there was a strange quietness in the church. As I walked towards the pulpit to start the service, one of the Deacons approached me and said. â??Pastor, your church secretary, Janice has accused you of attempting to RAPE her. Please tell us this isnâ??t so.â?? â??I nearly fainted. I could feel the blood rushing from my head down to my feet which were rooted to the floor. Oh God . . . help me. Slowly I walked up to the pulpit â??I just heard what Janice has said. I am shocked! No such thing happened! I donâ??t know what to say . . .â?? Then the tears started flowing. The organist started playing and the people slowly started singing. â??Somehow, I made it through the service and then on to my last church where they had already heard the same accusation. â??Now, you have heard my side.â?? â??I believe you Jim. I know many of your congregation will also believe you, but still I must relieve you of your job and you will have 30 days to pack up and leave. You are not to preach anymore here, nor are you to talk to anyone about our discussion. For now, you are no longer a Pastor in our church.â?? Stunned, I sat there. What had he just said? Was it true then that God really hated me? Now, the Bishop? Looking up, I saw Charles was crying again. â??Charles, where will I go? I have no home, no income? What will happen to me?â?? |
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