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kiwisteveh

Monster Who Moved to My Neighborhood by adewpearl

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Look at Sawyer hamming it up for the camera! The most photographed boy in the orld is bound to end up in sho business of some kind!

Cute poem about the non-scary monster. You're right the Hallwoeen Critters' Union would want himbanned for breach of the rules.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 22-Oct-2014

The Goats of Snowdon, North Wales. by Nosha17

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Another one of your lovely UK Guidebook poems, Faye.

You paint a pretty picture of the rugged scenery and the unconcern of the wild inhabitants.

This may be a nitpick, but there is a contradiction in your poem between 'tempests never cease' and the obvious calmness of the day you were there and the serene land mentioned in the last line.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 22-Oct-2014

The Fairies of Fernwood Forest by adewpearl

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Brooke, this is a lovely poem for the 'Story' contest. I've been looking at it for some time and can see a couple of ways in which it is different from your usual offerings.

Firstly there is the mixed meter which threw me a little - I couldn't get it to flow quite as naturally as I wanted, although it got better with a couple of readings.

Then there was the fact that there is no 'hero' to your tale (not a named one anyway) and the villain of the piece is also rather vague. I'm not sure if this is a weakness, but it does remove some of the personal feeling from the poem.

Lots of lovely alliteration: tangled timvers, Fairies of fernwood Forest etc and some beautiful descriptive phrases too.

Good luck.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 22-Oct-2014

New Leafs, Old Tricks by humpwhistle

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Still retained the character trait of embellishment I see, even if we couldn't quite master all those others!

Wonderful story of the long-ago Lee - you may have inspired me to try one myself - except I was one of the goochies so it'll have to be from a different perspective. Never did boy scouts either - our place was 6.1 miles from town, even with shortcuts.

Good luck.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 21-Oct-2014

The Raiment of Autumn by adewpearl

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Brooke, the clothing metaphor you employ here is extended strongly and consistently throughout the poem.

The headless anapaest lines are consistent too and the rhyme strong too, although my kiwi ear can't really reconcile gone/warm...

I really liked both the first and last lines where the anapaestic is strongest and also the 'savagely shed' line.

Good luck.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 21-Oct-2014

Autumn's Neighborhood by Treischel

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You seem to have been away for a while - perhaps taking a trip into the future if the last detail in your notes is correct! :O)

This is a lovely portrait of the fall season, and what comes across most is the genuineness of the positive comments, together with a light and happy touch to the description as in this section:
The effort is worthwhile without a doubt.
Go walk a crunching, color-coated path,
Or jump a pile to take a leafy bath.

I love this pleasing season's pretty sights!

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 20-Oct-2014

Ducks in the Henhouse by Cindy Warren

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This is a lovely story of the surrogate mother hen and her brood of ducklings.

The meter is a little inconsistent in places but the rhyme is strong and carries the tale along ell, all the time with a light-hearted and whimsical feel.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 20-Oct-2014

Temptation's Wake by lancellot

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I don't know what the matching term is for mysogyny but your last line shrieks of it - are you suggesting that only men are susceptible to temptation and betray their partners?

I actually found this an interesting take on the prompt, examining the consequences of temptation as suggested by your title.

The aabb rhyming quatrains tell the story clearly. I feel the stanza devoted to the lawyer might more effectively have been used to delve deeper into her hurt and confusion...

Good luck.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 18-Oct-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Misunderstanding by ahamranji

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Your poem painted quite a vivid picture of these two people transfixed by a moment of lust.


Early review - fixed now...
What spoils it for me is the very last word, 'behind' - the woman behind means she is at his back, but we already know she is 'across the room'. I considered that there might be a typo - the woman's behind, but you already have 'derriere'

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 18-Oct-2014

haiku (October frost) by Val Crisson

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For us southern hemisphereans an October frost is usually a nasty surprise, well into spring - better hope any new tomato plants and tender peach blossoms are protected!

Your haiku makes a clever connection between the season and Halloween.

Good luck.

Steve

Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 18-Oct-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.


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