Moonlight and Roses
Teri, you paint quite a clear word-picture of the romantic walk on the beach, yet to me it reads very awkwardly - hence the four stars.
There is one particular structure which you use repeatedly which contributes to this awkwardness. I am talking about the use of the present participle verb+ing as an adjective at the start of a phrase. You use 'knowing' three times - itself perhaps a weakness - and also 'gazing' and perhaps one or two others.
This construction is OK when the meaning is clear. For it to be clear, the reader has to know immediately and precisely whom the word refers to. That means it should have an 'antecedent' - another reference to that person just before, or possibly just after.
Let's look at a couple of your examples:
Gazing - clearly this is describing you, yet the nearest antecedent is 'he' = confusion.
Knowing (stanza 3) - same comment
The solution is to re-word the phrase with a stronger, more direct form. Why not 'I gazed' instead of 'gazing' and 'I knew' instead of 'Knowing' Not only does this create more variety, but the active verb is more powerful.
Sorry for all the English-teacher stuff, but that's what I am! :O)
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 01-Oct-2014