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kiwisteveh

Me? A Flaw? by gypsycaravan

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

A light-hearted and fun poem buoyed by the suggestion that the only flaw you have is hat you can't see any flaws in yourself - and we all know how likeable such people are!

Oh, fiddle-de-dee...

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 02-Sep-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Aggression; Huh! by mfowler

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I like it when someone has the ability and honesty to mock themselves which is what you do here.

The foul-mouthed little asides after each stanza add to the humour and the liveliness of the piece.

Good luck.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 02-Sep-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Another Day by Pili Pubul

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

A lovely portrayal of that time of peace at the end of the day when we all pause to reflect.
a world of dreams awaits
to appear at last

...although sometimes, as your last stanza suggests, the thoughts may not be happy ones.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 02-Sep-2014

Blood Moons

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Yes, I read about this 'coincidence' when the first blood moon occurred. Fortunately, I am not one to believe in signs and symbols - if any of them were true the world would have ended a dozen times over by now.

Good luck in the contest. My only concern would be that your piece with its dire warning focuses more on the prophecy than on the 'celestial beauty' of the topic.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 02-Sep-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Haiku (loud thunder crashes)

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I sometimes find it hard to explain why I rate haiku as I do. However, I have just awarded a six to the previous one I reviewed (it was the ice-bound rushes one) and now I must endeavour to tell you why I believe yours is not up to that standard.

For a start, your haiku does little apart from list three elements of the storm - thunder, lightning, rain - there is no sense of the third line being an insight gained from the first two. Yes, I know the instructions didn't specify that, but it would still have been nice. BTW I suppose thunder and lightning are not in their natural order...

Then there is the quality of the images. Loud thunder crashes - really? It couldn't have been quiet thunder, so 'loud' is totally unnecessary (and crashes is so much stronger anyway)

Similarly with 'bright' and 'is seen' in the middle line, and possibly 'flash' as well. Consider something like:
lightning sears pitch-black skies
I hope you can see how and why that is better

Third line again has rather ordinary imagery. How about:
rain's onslaught begins

I hope you don't mind the 'lesson' - I am not even a haiku expert, but I am starting to learn the difference between a good one and a weaker one and I am simply trying to pass that on. I didn't really set out to tear your piece to shreds, but it definitely needs a lift.

Cheers.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 02-Sep-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

haiku (icebound reed bows)

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

It is always good to come across a haiku from someone who obviously knows what they are doing.

What a lot of image you packed into those first two lines - not just the icy pond in the moonlight but the rushes complete with their 'posture'. And then the storm is introduced in the satori line. You have cleverly managed to reinforce the kigo with triple reference and give an aural image as well.

I wouldn't normally give six stars for a haiku, but here you are, and the best of luck in the contest.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 02-Sep-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Harrison Harrington Smythson by adewpearl

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

No hesitation in hauling out the box of sixes for this delightful tale of the lad with the delightfully long name.

I really enjoyed the first section where you teased out masterfully the different inclinations of Harry and his father.

Some tricky monorhymed stanzas scattered in there, but the whole thing shows a great touch with rhyme and meter and a happy ending to boot.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 02-Sep-2014

haiku (storm drowns desert)

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Or he could turn it upside down and use if for a boat if it really flooded! :O)

I'm always a bit surprised by enjambment like this in a haiku - is it the done thing or not? I have no idea.

In any case your poem presents a vivid image and a good satori line.

Good luck.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 02-Sep-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

The ways of the sun by James Dooney

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

An interesting 'spin' on a day - you whip us through on a speedy tour, never allowing the reader to take a breath.

Some great phrasing, particularly here:
sun drifts to latter realms
dinner tables take shape

'whole' bothered me a little - apart from the fact that it's factually incorrect - it just didn't seem to fit.

Maybe something even simpler would strengthen the ending. How about 'the world sleeps'?

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 01-Sep-2014

My Path by Bryana

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

An interesting piece.

Your first 'sentence' feels a little incomplete to me 'I'd like to write...' - I kept waiting for the 'but' - why didn't/don't you? The second part reveals the comfort of a strong Christian faith, but somehow doesn't satisfactorily complete the thought of the first.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 01-Sep-2014


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