Contact Us | En español    
         Join today or login

kiwisteveh

Beginnings by Andrewajgblue

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

You are right about the internal rhyme - it gives the poem a swinging rhythm and speeds up the pace as you read it.

Of course, having that rhyme is not easily achieved - there are a couple that raised my eyebrow a little:
mist and hue - 'hue' means colour - not quite right here
We can defeat, our demons beat - this sentence doesn't work for me. 'defeat' ould normally have an object. The obvious one is 'demons' but by tisying the syntax, you use that as the object of 'beat'

Nevertheless, the poem pounds along to the end ith its unswerving positivity.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 02-Oct-2014

Broken Fallen Leaves by Honeysuckle1876

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I as really impressed with your first stanza which painted a vivid word picture of the onset of winter.

Then, you got me with the curious logic of the naked dancer, until I finally worked out how clever you had been with the progression of the seasons... I imagine a few reviewers will fall into that trap!

One small suggestion 'dons' instead of 'donned' keeps it in line with the other verbs and doesn't affect the syllable count.

Good luck.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 02-Oct-2014

How do I stop by Izzabell

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

A nice love poem of the 'I fell for you' variety. In fact, as I was reading it, I thought that it would make quite good song lyrics.

A couple of tiny spags to fix:
when ever your around --> whenever you're around
use --> used

Good luck

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 02-Oct-2014

haiku (rabid bat's)

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

We had a lot of bats (flying foxes) come to our mango tree when we lived in Australia, and quite often saw sick or dead ones by the side of the road. Once I even took a sick one to the vet. We all knew to take care when handling them. Not just rabies but also a scary disease called lyssavirus.

Reign of terror is probably overstating it a little, but hey, whatever works for your poem.

Good luck in the contest.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 02-Oct-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Washtub

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Yep, that's definitely dark enough for a Darkness contest.

Glad to see the bully get his come-uppance as well.

Well-written piece that saves up the true horror for the last few lines, but foreshadows it nicely.

Good luck.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 02-Oct-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

A beautiful heart by DR DIP

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Something different - a poem designed to be shared.

Your words conjure up images of some of the nicest people we know, be they friends or relatives.

Strong rhyming and an easy rhythm.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 02-Oct-2014

A Wedding Wish by nancyjam

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi, Nancy.

Lovely photo and lovely poem - short and sweet. The abab quatrains flow really well with strong rhyme, too. The thought expressed is obviously tailored to the situation of these two setting off on a new journey into marriage, presumably after difficulties the first time around.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 01-Oct-2014

The Amazing Ideal of Infinite Love by rama devi

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

It is a fascinating premise and stands well in its own right. I'm not going to attempt to tell you how to improve it, but maybe just offer a couple of thoughts.

The first stanza/statement is very strong and could stand on its own as a short poem - one of my own faults is to go on far too long hen the message has already been conveyed...

Stanzas 1, 2 & 5 fit well together (doors and windows) - the others could be seen as a distraction away from this central theme.

The last 'stanza' is another powerful epigram.

Overall, a thought-provoking piece - loved the picture of your guru - I'm guessing you are one of the 30 million, but who counted them?!

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 01-Oct-2014

Moonlight and Roses by Teri7

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Teri, you paint quite a clear word-picture of the romantic walk on the beach, yet to me it reads very awkwardly - hence the four stars.

There is one particular structure which you use repeatedly which contributes to this awkwardness. I am talking about the use of the present participle verb+ing as an adjective at the start of a phrase. You use 'knowing' three times - itself perhaps a weakness - and also 'gazing' and perhaps one or two others.

This construction is OK when the meaning is clear. For it to be clear, the reader has to know immediately and precisely whom the word refers to. That means it should have an 'antecedent' - another reference to that person just before, or possibly just after.

Let's look at a couple of your examples:
Gazing - clearly this is describing you, yet the nearest antecedent is 'he' = confusion.
Knowing (stanza 3) - same comment

The solution is to re-word the phrase with a stronger, more direct form. Why not 'I gazed' instead of 'gazing' and 'I knew' instead of 'Knowing' Not only does this create more variety, but the active verb is more powerful.

Sorry for all the English-teacher stuff, but that's what I am! :O)

Cheers.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 01-Oct-2014

Surgery! by jackpeg

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Nineteen stitches seems an awful lot for the 'small en' you describe - I certainly hope you have no recurrences.

Light-hearted piece although the subject is serious enough. Rhyme is strong, although there are perhaps more lapses in meter than in your usual pieces e.g. the Barbary pirate line.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 01-Oct-2014


Page: 1 Next Page



  Contact Us © 2014 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy Statement