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kiwisteveh

Willy-willy by Page 3

Excellent
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Tricky, using the local term that won't be understood by many readers here - you have got around this problem with your sub-titles.

Good alliteration in willy-willy and drunkenly drifts and nice use of double meaning with into a spin.

Good luck in the contest.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 24-Jul-2014

Cross Underwood

Excellent
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Your poem tells quite a simple and familiar story of the bitter old man dying alone and yes, it does reveal horror in his self-inflicted loneliness and his lonely death.

I quite liked the use of part-rhymes like bitter/widower in your couplets - they add to the harsh tone of the poem.

Good luck in the contest.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 23-Jul-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Selection by Bryan G

Excellent
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This topic is a rich vein for writers - too terrible to dwell on, yet never to be forgotten.

I suspect your entry may not are well with the committee as you have almost eliminated 'story' from your writing in favour of the evocative description of the selection list - it is poetic, even with rhyme, and beautiful in its simple terror.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 23-Jul-2014

tanka (soul mate missing) by Domino 2

Excellent
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I'm not quite sure about this one - it does effectively tell the tragic story, the triple heartbreak (nice phrase), but would a true soulmate have married someone else after 'only' four years, especially when her love has not been officially confirmed as dead?

Good luck.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 23-Jul-2014

Geese by Kenny Armst

Excellent
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This is pretty word-picture of the skein of geese coming in for a landing (or is that a watering?)

I liked the extended simile/metaphor of the geese to aircraft - watery runway is great.

Also I enjoyed the onomatopoeia of honking and cackling and the descriptive words you chose in line 9

'tired' seems a bit redundant when you have just used the much stronger 'weary'

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 23-Jul-2014

Weather dog by kittykatnoel

Good
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I liked the humour in this one - if this is all Izzy has to do to predict the weather, then my dogs are weather-dogs too - they just came in with wet and muddy feet and sure enough, it's raining heavily!

However, I didn't think you did quite enough with the versification to bring the humour out. For me, the rather quirky aba rhyme just didn't work - couplets may have been better. Some of the lines flow nicely with an easy rhythm, but just as many revert to the uneven quality of prose, so the whole piece never really rolls off the tongue.

Good luck.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 23-Jul-2014

I Speak by Kaila Mari
Chapter 1 of the book To Marcial with love

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

This is a powerful poem expressing the championing of the underdog.
I speak for those without a voice
for those that we don't hear
I speak for those who make no noise
for those with silent tears

I speak for those that have no home
for those who cannot sleep
I speak for those that daily roam
the beggar on the street

The strength comes from the frequent repetition which gives the piece its structure, along with the solid rhyme and meter.

Wonderful job.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 23-Jul-2014

Picnic at Seashore by Kaila Mari

Excellent
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An interesting attempt at this rather novel form of poetry - your verse does indeed take us on a kind of trip.

You follow the rules as far as I can tell. There is one line where the sense seems wrong 'clams eating crowds'

Good luck in the contest.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 23-Jul-2014

'Exsell' by Chocolate Chip

Good
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You have a clear message and you express it strongly, but I have downgraded my rating because this doesn't feel like poetry to me. Of course poetry doesn't need rhyme or meter, but for me, it does need something to distinguish it from prose - devices such as imagery or heightened use of language.

It seems to me you could have got this message across better by writing this as a short essay.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 23-Jul-2014

Empty by Sonjalee

Good
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A fair attempt at describing the feelings of loneliness occasioned by such an attempted reconciliation after such a long time.

However, some of the expression is clumsy and repetitive. Worst of all perhaps is the repeated use of phrases starting wit 'as....' There are four examples in the first few lines - try to use something different or re-word thes sentences.

Also spelling errors in loneliness, divine and overwhelm (one word) as well as emptiness in the title.

Some inconsistency in tenses esp. look --> looked

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 23-Jul-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.


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