Wrinkled Hands Touch
septolet poetry contest
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kiwisteveh

On the Seamy Side of Heaven by rhymelord

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

I like the author's notes as well - I often wonder why so many feel it is necessary to add copious notes.

I am always happy to come across one of your pieces, Reg, and I should have known you'd be slaving away on a great entry for this contest.

Wonderful rhyme and meter (your trademark) although I have to say I stumbled and had to go back to basics on this line, which didn't feel quite natural:
'til they just couldn't cope, try though they might.

Massively tongue in cheek too (another trade mark?) and I guess a little controversial - is it just social commentary or religious commentary as well. Still you've got away with that before. Great imaginative tale anyway.

Good luck.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 28-Jul-2014

Ah, To Be Twenty-One Again! by MoonWillow

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I have seen the number plate 02B21 around here. Was that you?

This is a common feeling of course - not sure if 21 is the magic number, though. What I do know is it is accelerating like hell now!

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 28-Jul-2014

Lovers by kelper71

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

What the heck is the dinosaur holding in his tail?!

This is a slightly quirky piece, aimed, I'm guessing, at us quirky FS authors - what are we doing here.

The versification is clever, maybe too clever for me in places, where the enjambment has me struggling to interpret meaning.

And not too much of that lovers stuff either!

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 28-Jul-2014

Solitude Was Made For One by adewpearl

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Yes, certainly enough to make any Grandma a bit damp in the lachrymal department!

Your poem is a little emotional as well with its stark contrast between love and solitude. Mind you, solitude gets a bad rap - there are many times when it is most enjoyable.

Very clever manipulations of the structures in each stanza to maintain that balance. English teacher says that's chiasmus in stanza 1 and 2 and a more straight-forward parallel in stanza 3...

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 28-Jul-2014

Too Ordinary by victortouche

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Yes, I enjoyed this portrayal of your 'imprisonment', which you seem to have enjoyed as well, by the end.

That being said, I am a little puzzled by the title which suggests dissatisfaction, at odds with the comfort and the dance at the end of the piece.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 28-Jul-2014

Longing by amemiyacarrington

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Your syllable count is accurate and I liked the last line with its bleak summing up of your situation.

However, I felt the first two lines were a bit dull - the first line so common as to be a cliché and the second repeating 'here' and not adding anything that isn't covered by the more interesting third line.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 28-Jul-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Endearing Young Charm by Alma Capua Oliverio

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Now, is this about yourself or somebody else?

I found the topic - describing an attractive personality - a little unusual and the last line interesting in its portrayal of how 'charm' affects us.

Good luck.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 28-Jul-2014

The Old Moses Cow by bilzo

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi - a belated welcome to FanStory. If your other pieces are as good as this one they deserve more than the few reviews they've been getting...

This is an interesting tale of the Moses Cow, culminating in a thought-provoking reference to how we treat our own old folks. The rhyming is strong, the rhythm smooth and the colloquial language of the cowboys mostly well handled.

A few tiny things perhaps:
Question mark in line 7 needs to slip down to line 8
to near --> too near
'for --> 'fore

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 28-Jul-2014

Sunday july 27, 2014 rant by MCLII1987

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Yep, it's a rant and understandable that there are things done by the government that get you angry. I am rating this on the basis that it is presented clearly in well-constructed sentences and paragraphs - not that I agree with everything you say.

I have downgraded it to four stars because you launch straight into your rant without any introduction to what is upsetting you. Ironically, this meant that when you suggested random visits to the homes of those on benefits, I thought you meant they would check to see if they were all right or if there was anything else we could do for them!

Some interesting points but perhaps a little simplistic - experience shows it is nearly impossible to distinguish between the truly deserving and the 'don't cares'.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 28-Jul-2014

Nature, Nurture and Fate by scd41

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

There will be no answer because there cannot be. All three factors play a significant part in what happens to us.

In my own situation, I seem to have inherited healthy genes, giving me good basic health and intelligence. I grew up in a rural area, raised in a family of moderate means but afforded a good education. Nature and nurture ticked off.

However, nothing in my genes or my upbringing will help me in the face of an unforeseen stroke of fate. How many physically and mentally healthy people were aboard Flight MH17?

Your short essay is well presented and thought-provoking.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 28-Jul-2014


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