The Exchange part 5
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axelbeariter

The DA Makes His Announcement by Smurphgirlsasha
Chapter 20 of the book The Heir Apparent

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However, the local stations were apparently not as pleased with what I had to say. After editing everything out, except the portion where I apologized to the families of the victims, it was finally aired at six o'clock./And of course they would deny media bias. Is it the same in Mexico?----Unlike the public who openly expressed their opinion on what they felt was the appropriate punishment for my father,/I'm not sure if who is correct. That would sound clunky. I'd suggest you get an opinion from a higher authority (unless you know you are right) that you could find on line. Let me know which is the correct word----Charlie certainly needed a change of scenery and a trip to Victoria would be great. But I had other plans.
"I agree, Charlie needs to get away, but I am going to the cabin."
"Why in the world would you want to go there?"
"You know I have an eidetic memory. Mac could use me up there. I remember exactly what the cabin looked like the last time I was there. I could point out any changes or spot things that are different..."
"James, I don't think that's a good idea and besides, I doubt Mac would permit it."
I shook my head. "It's not up for debate, not with you or with Mac."/You need to separate these breakless paragraphs----Another great chapter.


Comment Written by axelbeariter on 02-Mar-2012

To The Earl of Oxford by Poetic, Just Is.

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There was one outside on the curb today, Earl... I fed it a few quarters and thought of you... When the meter maid came by, I thought... I wonder if Earl would like one of those for his birthday? hmmmm? *wink*/What a great way to retaliate against an unfair review./If we could just figure out that metric system
We'd have class
But every time they introduce it here
It just bites us in the ass!/A classic to silence the know it alls from across the big pond. I'd give you a #6, but I sold 'em all for a bottle Jim Beam. A #5 is all I got, so pretend it's one of the other kind. Great write.


Comment Written by axelbeariter on 02-Mar-2012

Life's Game by Henry Greenwood

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Toiling so I can head home

No longer this plight's slave

But there are no spoils for those bred low

A vaunter to rights waved




Loyal as I dread slow

As I ponder my might's stave

Coiled as a webbed rogue

I saunter through life's game/A nice poetic work enriched with appropriate yet more sophisticated words than the average reader understands. Great job.



Comment Written by axelbeariter on 02-Mar-2012

A Fan by Bina1

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but a blink of an eye, the season is over. /That would read smoother if you added in between but and a----From November to March, they days do drag by,/You've got the Giants and the Jets to tide you over. A well composed poem.
Comment Written by axelbeariter on 02-Mar-2012

Six Words About Earth's Hue by missy98writer

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Blue
is Earth's colorful true
hue/Short and sweet, but also very true. The poem certainly matches the picture well. Well done.
Comment Written by axelbeariter on 02-Mar-2012

The Abortion by peggles
Chapter 19 of the book It's A Long Time Till Morning

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Eda instructed Ruth to remove her under clothes and lie down on towels, already set out on the floor./under clothes is one word; underclothes----Either this would have them driving off to find a more obliging girl, or she would be subject to vile threats and insults. They reminded her she was just a whore and should be prepared to do anything./You should strive to inject dialogue scenes once in awhile./The above exposition is ripe for a showing scene instead of this one that tells.----The next paragraph too would be a graphic reminder how dangerous her profession was, if you showed us the action accompanied by dialogue----I'm not chastising you or being critical with the advice about more showing and less telling. In my first book, The Toys of God, I would get lazy and just tell the facts until several veteran writers in my writers' group pointed the same thing out to me. Although that way of writing increased my word count from 425 to 749 pages, my chances for mainstream publication increased mightily. So keep that thought in mind when you have the opportunity to enrich the writing this way. Still, this is well written as a story, but being as good a writer as you are, you could do better with more showing.

Comment Written by axelbeariter on 02-Mar-2012

~ Life's Breath ~ by Maureen Napier
Chapter 210 of the book Wandering Whispers

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celebrate life's breath
silent moments of beauty
nourish thy soul's light/Tonight, I'm doing exactly that: celebrating life's breath. Last night, any kind of breath was hard to come by. My congestive hear failure was in active mode. By this morning I could breath again, so this poem is prophetic for me. I still live and breath. Thanks for reminding me how precious that is.
Comment Written by axelbeariter on 01-Mar-2012

The Press Conference by Smurphgirlsasha
Chapter 19 of the book The Heir Apparent

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God, I wish I wasn't out of #6 stars. While I've given you one or two previously (don't remember how many), this piece deserves two of them. I regret that Fan Story will allow me to only send a fiver your way. Talk about rooting, you should have heard the silent hoorays my brain was spitting out. I've been accosted by a herd of these reporter donkeys before, so I know how they can twist one's words to suit their angle in the story. Great, great job!
Comment Written by axelbeariter on 01-Mar-2012

Who I Am Now by dejohnsrld (Debbie)

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A deep longing exists for what could have been

If only what I know now, I had known then/I identify with that succinctly. I coudda been a contender.----
All of my past made me who I am today/For being a poet, the past was kind to you. Youbeagreatpoet!
Comment Written by axelbeariter on 01-Mar-2012

Hip, Hip, Hooray by Writingfundimension

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Hip, Hip, Hooray/Love your title. I'm a title person, if you hadn't noticed----I had surgical placement of a brand new prosthetic hip./I hope they don't slap used ones on our asses----previously repaired a torn rotator cuff and knee ligament injury./Are you accident prone or are you as old as me? I go by the handle of Methuselah----has a well-muscled torso and could probably crush a bag of walnuts in his armpit./Great image!----blood thinning-drug named coumadin/I've been on that crap for 27 years----I would have extensive bruising of my surgery/If you stay on it as long as I have, your face will become one huge bruise like mine. For short they call me BB-Brutal Bruiser----But, when our health care system in this country works as beautifully as it did for me, it's hard not to be in awe of the advantages and privileges we enjoy here in the United States./Amen on that. Too bad it'll change by 2014. All fourteen of my doctors tell me they'll retire before then, because of the anticipated new rules and mandated participation that they face. It's great to be old these days, because there won't be many doctors active in the coming years.
Comment Written by axelbeariter on 01-Mar-2012


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