GULBRANDR- God's Sword
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The Ties That Bind"A child is born who will be a champion
13 total reviews
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Wow! Another chiild banished.
I am interested in how the storyline will now progress.
I lke the strong bonds between Nyla, Dak and her brothers.
Will this be enough to bring much needed changes to the clan?
:-) Shirley
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Wow! Another chiild banished.
I am interested in how the storyline will now progress.
I lke the strong bonds between Nyla, Dak and her brothers.
Will this be enough to bring much needed changes to the clan?
:-) Shirley
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thank so much Shirley.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I enjoyed this chapter. Well told and the story is excellent.
I will look for more chapters, before and after this one.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
Sharon
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2018
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I enjoyed this chapter. Well told and the story is excellent.
I will look for more chapters, before and after this one.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
Sharon
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2018
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Thank you so much.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
"The house of Caltic has no daughters!" Dak watched as awareness dawn on his father. "Caltic has but one daughter banished from this village. Do not tell me it is she and you have brought this curse into our house."
"She is not cursed.' Dak said evenly, "She alone is worth more then twenty women together." Dak struggled to keep his temper. This was exciting and moving. A lot of YA novels would be delighted with this plot. Keep going because this is absolutely brilliant. Kindest regards and warmest wishes Meia xx
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2018
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"The house of Caltic has no daughters!" Dak watched as awareness dawn on his father. "Caltic has but one daughter banished from this village. Do not tell me it is she and you have brought this curse into our house."
"She is not cursed.' Dak said evenly, "She alone is worth more then twenty women together." Dak struggled to keep his temper. This was exciting and moving. A lot of YA novels would be delighted with this plot. Keep going because this is absolutely brilliant. Kindest regards and warmest wishes Meia xx
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2018
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Thank you so much dear.
Comment from F. Wehr3
I think this is the first time I've read one of your stories. I liked this part. It gave me a little time with more telling in the beginning and ending with more showing in the scene between Dak and his father. I made a couple of notes for your consideration.
It was far into spring but the days were still often bone chilling. --Two things about this sentence. First, you have two complete sentences. I'd suggest a comma before your conjunction 'but'. Also, There are many occasions you use was and were throughout this story. See if you can change a few. This leads to less passive writing.
Nyla closed her eyes, her thoughts turned to Dak.---This is a comma splice. Suggest removing the comma and placing a semi-colon instead.
Her cheeks and eyes where bright and shown with excitement.--Where=were
Nyla's brothers stood beside Dak and the tiny rector, who would perform the wedding ceremony, had his equally tiny wife stand beside Nyla.--Does Rector need to be capitalized? I don't know. Suggest a comma before and because you have two complete sentences.
Dak had made it himself and once placed around her neck, she never took it off.--same as above.
"She is not cursed.' Dak said evenly, --cursed," --also, watch out for adverbial modifiers in your speech tags.
He walk out into the blackness --walked
A huge black stallion come, --came-- also you need a comma after huge because huge and black both modify stallion.
Overall, I think you've got a good start, and I'd like to read more. I hope you find this helpful; it's intended to be constructive.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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I think this is the first time I've read one of your stories. I liked this part. It gave me a little time with more telling in the beginning and ending with more showing in the scene between Dak and his father. I made a couple of notes for your consideration.
It was far into spring but the days were still often bone chilling. --Two things about this sentence. First, you have two complete sentences. I'd suggest a comma before your conjunction 'but'. Also, There are many occasions you use was and were throughout this story. See if you can change a few. This leads to less passive writing.
Nyla closed her eyes, her thoughts turned to Dak.---This is a comma splice. Suggest removing the comma and placing a semi-colon instead.
Her cheeks and eyes where bright and shown with excitement.--Where=were
Nyla's brothers stood beside Dak and the tiny rector, who would perform the wedding ceremony, had his equally tiny wife stand beside Nyla.--Does Rector need to be capitalized? I don't know. Suggest a comma before and because you have two complete sentences.
Dak had made it himself and once placed around her neck, she never took it off.--same as above.
"She is not cursed.' Dak said evenly, --cursed," --also, watch out for adverbial modifiers in your speech tags.
He walk out into the blackness --walked
A huge black stallion come, --came-- also you need a comma after huge because huge and black both modify stallion.
Overall, I think you've got a good start, and I'd like to read more. I hope you find this helpful; it's intended to be constructive.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Thank so much for your thoughtful review and helps. I read these over at least 100x before posting. This is why you need reviews. =} Thank so much. Rox
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I think you have double spaced your paragraphs here. it isn't necessary to do so on the site and it can give the impression that your piece is much longer than it actually is which may put some people off.
Be careful of repetition of sentence starters and the same words close together. In the opening paragraph (the behemoth slept)you use 'it/its' 7 times in 5 sentences. In the third paragraph (her brothers were coming) you start 3 consecutive sentences with 'they'.
Good descriptions around the wedding gear.
soft murmur of her brothers voices - brothers'.
brought with him, than the warmth from his body - then rather than than here perhaps?
With in a month Nyla was - within in this instance.
a large family insured there would be descendants - ensured in this instance rather than insured.
They brought little in the way of a useful goods - maybe drop 'a' from here for a slightly smoother read.
your younger brother are well ahead of you - brothers.
It is the councils concern - councils'.
Maybe find an alternative for badgering, maybe harangued, hounded, needled, pestered or suchlike.
Dak watched as awareness dawn on his father- either watched as awareness dawned. or watched awareness dawn.
hands clinched at his side / his fist clinched tighter - clenched?
A huge black stallion come - came.
grabbed a hand full of mane - handful.
"Run," said Dak, "Run home to Nyla." - the dialogue following the speech tag should start lower case as it is continuing dialogue from which the previous is not closed off.
This is a good continuation. It is a little passive in the first half but picks up later on. Good depth of family dynamics setting the story up further.
Nice
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Hi there,
I think you have double spaced your paragraphs here. it isn't necessary to do so on the site and it can give the impression that your piece is much longer than it actually is which may put some people off.
Be careful of repetition of sentence starters and the same words close together. In the opening paragraph (the behemoth slept)you use 'it/its' 7 times in 5 sentences. In the third paragraph (her brothers were coming) you start 3 consecutive sentences with 'they'.
Good descriptions around the wedding gear.
soft murmur of her brothers voices - brothers'.
brought with him, than the warmth from his body - then rather than than here perhaps?
With in a month Nyla was - within in this instance.
a large family insured there would be descendants - ensured in this instance rather than insured.
They brought little in the way of a useful goods - maybe drop 'a' from here for a slightly smoother read.
your younger brother are well ahead of you - brothers.
It is the councils concern - councils'.
Maybe find an alternative for badgering, maybe harangued, hounded, needled, pestered or suchlike.
Dak watched as awareness dawn on his father- either watched as awareness dawned. or watched awareness dawn.
hands clinched at his side / his fist clinched tighter - clenched?
A huge black stallion come - came.
grabbed a hand full of mane - handful.
"Run," said Dak, "Run home to Nyla." - the dialogue following the speech tag should start lower case as it is continuing dialogue from which the previous is not closed off.
This is a good continuation. It is a little passive in the first half but picks up later on. Good depth of family dynamics setting the story up further.
Nice
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Thank so much for your thoughtful review and helps. I read these over at least 100x before posting. This is why you need reviews. =} Thank so much. Rox
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I wondered what happened to this story, although it is not unusual for someone to start a book and never finish it. You have a really good story line going here Roxy. Good job. I am interested. Much better than Super Pig. That is for adult reading. LOL well done. Nancy
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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I wondered what happened to this story, although it is not unusual for someone to start a book and never finish it. You have a really good story line going here Roxy. Good job. I am interested. Much better than Super Pig. That is for adult reading. LOL well done. Nancy
Comment Written 16-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Yes I took a bit of time off and then wasn't happy with my next chapter so it took me forever to post it and I have since changed it much. I drive myself crazy. Thanks so much and the next chapter is coming soon.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Oh, Rox, this is a brilliant story!! I hate it when I come to the end of each part, I think I'm right up to date now. Rox, you have a winner here, my friend, it's different, exciting and ... well it's just a brilliant story!! Big hugs my friend. :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2018
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Oh, Rox, this is a brilliant story!! I hate it when I come to the end of each part, I think I'm right up to date now. Rox, you have a winner here, my friend, it's different, exciting and ... well it's just a brilliant story!! Big hugs my friend. :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 14-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2018
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Thank you so much Sandra.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Roxana
The opening paragraph, with its great descriptive writing really sets the tone for this chapter. I'm glad you are continuing this very interesting novel.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2018
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Hi, Roxana
The opening paragraph, with its great descriptive writing really sets the tone for this chapter. I'm glad you are continuing this very interesting novel.
:) Bev
Comment Written 14-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2018
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Thanks so much, glad you enjoyed it.
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You're welcome, Roxana.
Comment from royowen
I like tha story line in this. Most of us will marry or follow convention fo convenience and a peaceful life. Instead of doing what we should do, and change old useless ideas, although their seems to be some sort of sense to it. Well done, I like the plot, the characters, and imaginative story. Well dine, blesings, Roy
Typo : After they wed(,) Dak came...2: his father(')s voice following him 3 : (Dat) turned to face his father...Dak. 4: He (nickered) and dropped his head. Snickered?
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2018
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I like tha story line in this. Most of us will marry or follow convention fo convenience and a peaceful life. Instead of doing what we should do, and change old useless ideas, although their seems to be some sort of sense to it. Well done, I like the plot, the characters, and imaginative story. Well dine, blesings, Roy
Typo : After they wed(,) Dak came...2: his father(')s voice following him 3 : (Dat) turned to face his father...Dak. 4: He (nickered) and dropped his head. Snickered?
Comment Written 14-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2018
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Thanks so much and for the pointing out my boos boos as well. Roxanna
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Always a pleasure Rodanne
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Fantasy unlimited; decision limited, choice to make; this part begins with a nice catch, plot goes so smooth with free flow of thoughts in progression, characters and dialogues are realistic; adventurous ending; well written, well done. B A CHANGE INSPIRER-WRITER -- DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2018
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Fantasy unlimited; decision limited, choice to make; this part begins with a nice catch, plot goes so smooth with free flow of thoughts in progression, characters and dialogues are realistic; adventurous ending; well written, well done. B A CHANGE INSPIRER-WRITER -- DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 14-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2018
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Thank you so much.
