The Ambush Part One
An Unauthorized Stop11 total reviews
Comment from Sankey
This was a great story. Good reading. I came by here because you gave me a review on my biography ages ago...a horrible review by the way...but I wanted to see if you were still around. I fixed the particular chapter in my book if you wish to go back and improve the rating, thanks. I am doing a last promotion before I get to publishing my book.
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This was a great story. Good reading. I came by here because you gave me a review on my biography ages ago...a horrible review by the way...but I wanted to see if you were still around. I fixed the particular chapter in my book if you wish to go back and improve the rating, thanks. I am doing a last promotion before I get to publishing my book.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2018
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I'm on pins and needles waiting for part two. I enjoyed reading this and it's six worthy but I'm out. Sorry.
I sat down next to her and pulled her close to me. (I sat beside her and pulled her close to me.)
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I'm on pins and needles waiting for part two. I enjoyed reading this and it's six worthy but I'm out. Sorry.
I sat down next to her and pulled her close to me. (I sat beside her and pulled her close to me.)
Comment Written 17-Feb-2018
Comment from Marge Setzer
You've certainly got my attention. A short opening with a multitude of avenues you can explore. I like the way you introduced the characters, the several characters I must say. The sequence of events was clear and I have a good idea of each character's personality and competence.One question. Was the woman in the red dress a deliberate distraction, a red herring perhaps. This all happened so quickly I feel that the attack was well-planned in advance and perhaps one of the officers is involved. And just how does the pregnant officer work into this? How significant was this reveal? I'll be looking for your next chapter. Marge
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You've certainly got my attention. A short opening with a multitude of avenues you can explore. I like the way you introduced the characters, the several characters I must say. The sequence of events was clear and I have a good idea of each character's personality and competence.One question. Was the woman in the red dress a deliberate distraction, a red herring perhaps. This all happened so quickly I feel that the attack was well-planned in advance and perhaps one of the officers is involved. And just how does the pregnant officer work into this? How significant was this reveal? I'll be looking for your next chapter. Marge
Comment Written 17-Feb-2018
Comment from Sis Cat
Action-packed crime thriller engaged and entertained me. Style is breezy and fast-paced. Setting and genre reminded me of Chester Himes' Harlem crime novels featuring detectives Gravedigger Jones and Coffinhead Johnson, only updated. Style is cinematic as I see the action unfold before me like an action film. The ambush at an unauthorized stop was filled with twists and turns but nothing as shocking as this:
"Jake, I hope we don't lose the baby."
"You mean, you're pregnant?"
You show a great handling of the genre and a compelling imagination. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to Part 2.
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Action-packed crime thriller engaged and entertained me. Style is breezy and fast-paced. Setting and genre reminded me of Chester Himes' Harlem crime novels featuring detectives Gravedigger Jones and Coffinhead Johnson, only updated. Style is cinematic as I see the action unfold before me like an action film. The ambush at an unauthorized stop was filled with twists and turns but nothing as shocking as this:
"Jake, I hope we don't lose the baby."
"You mean, you're pregnant?"
You show a great handling of the genre and a compelling imagination. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to Part 2.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2018
Comment from Thomas Bowling
You're off to a great start. I will definitely be following this one. You pack a lot of action into a relatively short chapter. I tend to write short chapters. They do better on this site.
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You're off to a great start. I will definitely be following this one. You pack a lot of action into a relatively short chapter. I tend to write short chapters. They do better on this site.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2018
Comment from dracofelsinensis
This was graphic and I could easily picture the scene, familiar from the movies but still very well described. The confession in the first para' was a good hook. It was amusing that an escort detail of 24 was described as merely "adequate"!
An original aspect of the story is that it was Agent Melinda Suarez who pointed out the sexy decoy lady. I would expect a young, less experienced male agent to be the one to fall for this trick. I don't blame Suarez, who decided to voice her suspicions, or even those distracted briefly; the shooting might well have happened anyway.
There's a nice twist at the end, with Melinda's pregnancy, emphasizing the fine line between life and death. This is very good.
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This was graphic and I could easily picture the scene, familiar from the movies but still very well described. The confession in the first para' was a good hook. It was amusing that an escort detail of 24 was described as merely "adequate"!
An original aspect of the story is that it was Agent Melinda Suarez who pointed out the sexy decoy lady. I would expect a young, less experienced male agent to be the one to fall for this trick. I don't blame Suarez, who decided to voice her suspicions, or even those distracted briefly; the shooting might well have happened anyway.
There's a nice twist at the end, with Melinda's pregnancy, emphasizing the fine line between life and death. This is very good.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2018
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
This is an outstanding work; lucidly written, with well crafted actions and slight skirmishing manoeuvres to match. It is an exceptionally triumphant lunch in creative exploit.
The verbal structure of the story reminisces a hazardous destination targeted convoy detailed to deliver "the dove alive" without hitches. Unfortunately, the dove falls sick, and against Special Agent Jake Mcgee's wishes, the agent in charge, Jared Steiner pulled rank and halts the convoy at a restaurant. The stop makes the convoy fall prey to an attack which leaves two dead and five wounded, including Agent Suarez who is betrothed to Agent Jake McGee. It looks like the worst is yet to come.
Fantastic work! Keep the flag flying until I come your way with the STAR I am handicapped to award your work.
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This is an outstanding work; lucidly written, with well crafted actions and slight skirmishing manoeuvres to match. It is an exceptionally triumphant lunch in creative exploit.
The verbal structure of the story reminisces a hazardous destination targeted convoy detailed to deliver "the dove alive" without hitches. Unfortunately, the dove falls sick, and against Special Agent Jake Mcgee's wishes, the agent in charge, Jared Steiner pulled rank and halts the convoy at a restaurant. The stop makes the convoy fall prey to an attack which leaves two dead and five wounded, including Agent Suarez who is betrothed to Agent Jake McGee. It looks like the worst is yet to come.
Fantastic work! Keep the flag flying until I come your way with the STAR I am handicapped to award your work.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2018
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks an awful experience of committing a crime by stopping a car inadvertently at a protected place and caused an accident; well said, well done; thank you for sharing this with us. KEEP WRITING, TIP CHANGING. DR ALCREATOR
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This speaks an awful experience of committing a crime by stopping a car inadvertently at a protected place and caused an accident; well said, well done; thank you for sharing this with us. KEEP WRITING, TIP CHANGING. DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 14-Feb-2018
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This is a great start to the piece. Good solid opening line, but the developments and character introduction throughout make for a very engaging read. It's all very clear and precise and the tone is spot on.
She had already a make shift tourniquet - makeshift can be a single word here.
"Nancy, I." - it may be better here to use a dash after I to signify the interruption.
"That would be me, Lieutenant. "Special Agent Jake McGee. - move the closing speech marks to the very end here.
drive-by could be hyphenated.
Great stuff.
G
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Hi there,
This is a great start to the piece. Good solid opening line, but the developments and character introduction throughout make for a very engaging read. It's all very clear and precise and the tone is spot on.
She had already a make shift tourniquet - makeshift can be a single word here.
"Nancy, I." - it may be better here to use a dash after I to signify the interruption.
"That would be me, Lieutenant. "Special Agent Jake McGee. - move the closing speech marks to the very end here.
drive-by could be hyphenated.
Great stuff.
G
Comment Written 14-Feb-2018
Comment from c_lucas
It kinda makes you wonder what the agents did in their free time. A very well written action scene. This is well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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It kinda makes you wonder what the agents did in their free time. A very well written action scene. This is well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2018
