A Friend in Need
Friendship at a gaming table12 total reviews
Comment from Rasmine
Hello, :)
I enjoyed this short story. I wish you all the luck in the contest.
I see something in your word count. You say it is 499 apple pages, not words.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2018
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Hello, :)
I enjoyed this short story. I wish you all the luck in the contest.
I see something in your word count. You say it is 499 apple pages, not words.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2018
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I am very pleased you enjoyed my short-short. Apple Pages is the name of the word processing program I used. It?s found only on Apple computers.
Comment from Winslow
Dear Writer,
A friend in need indeed. The dealer takes pity on a player and solves a problem for her. Good descriptions. It is easy to picture Mindy but not the assassin. Realistic setting and dialogue.
Good luck in the contest.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2018
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Dear Writer,
A friend in need indeed. The dealer takes pity on a player and solves a problem for her. Good descriptions. It is easy to picture Mindy but not the assassin. Realistic setting and dialogue.
Good luck in the contest.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 06-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2018
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Thank you,Winslow, for sharing my story. Not describing Corinne too much was deliberate as I want my reader to fantasize what she?in both her roles?looks like.
Comment from apky
Who wouldn't smile, Corinne - I did too.
A well-written Flash Fiction crime with that unexpected
twist at the end.
I thoroughly enjoyed this mart story.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2018
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Who wouldn't smile, Corinne - I did too.
A well-written Flash Fiction crime with that unexpected
twist at the end.
I thoroughly enjoyed this mart story.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2018
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Thank you so much for sharing ?A Friend in Need.? I am delighted you enjoyed it.
Comment from lyenochka
Oh, I guess I am familiar with Corinne. She was the avenger lady in another story you wrote. Perhaps it was in a book. Another intriguing and believable tale here. Although since this is flash fiction, I don't know how fully we can trust Mindy. Would be good if her story was collaborated by others at the casino.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2018
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Oh, I guess I am familiar with Corinne. She was the avenger lady in another story you wrote. Perhaps it was in a book. Another intriguing and believable tale here. Although since this is flash fiction, I don't know how fully we can trust Mindy. Would be good if her story was collaborated by others at the casino.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2018
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Thank you for sharing ?A Friend in Need,? lyenochka, I am delighted you remember Corinne from previous postings. I think we can trust Mindy who is only too happy to be a widow.
Comment from Dan Diego
I think this is an excellent contest entry for the Assassins contest. It has all the elements of a thriller and La Tigre. It was easy to follow. There were a few presentation flaws (spacing issues) but those did not stand in the way of the read. As far as continuity, I do think you break POV in the fourth to last paragraph. This is the only paragraph written in third-person. I do recommend you figure out a way to re-write it from Le Tigre's point of view for consistency.
Here are my editorial notes:
You wrote: Players can easily read my name tag, but ...
I suggest: Players can easily read my name tag but ...
You wrote: He frowned, but nodded.
I suggest: He frowned but nodded.
You wrote: I shook it, but made no ...
I suggest: I shook it but made no ...
Eyelashes is one word.
You wrote: At home he hits me, kicks me.
I suggest: At home, he hits me, kicks me.
Good luck in the booth.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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I think this is an excellent contest entry for the Assassins contest. It has all the elements of a thriller and La Tigre. It was easy to follow. There were a few presentation flaws (spacing issues) but those did not stand in the way of the read. As far as continuity, I do think you break POV in the fourth to last paragraph. This is the only paragraph written in third-person. I do recommend you figure out a way to re-write it from Le Tigre's point of view for consistency.
Here are my editorial notes:
You wrote: Players can easily read my name tag, but ...
I suggest: Players can easily read my name tag but ...
You wrote: He frowned, but nodded.
I suggest: He frowned but nodded.
You wrote: I shook it, but made no ...
I suggest: I shook it but made no ...
Eyelashes is one word.
You wrote: At home he hits me, kicks me.
I suggest: At home, he hits me, kicks me.
Good luck in the booth.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Thank you for sharing my story and your comments, Dan. I also appreciate your taking the time to point out where you think commas aren?t needed.
Comment from dracofelsinensis
A neat twist at the end. This is easy to read, with short sentences and paragraphs moving the story along nicely.
I liked your details: the abused, 'Vegas pretty' (and somewhat inebriated!) Mindy claiming that 9 + 6 + 7 = 21; Corinne's cool professionalism, aided by the two-way mirrors no doubt; the Pit Boss's surly attitude to her reasonable request for a brief toilet break.
So there ARE people with a heart in Las Vegas, even if they have unorthodox ways of showing it! Might Mindy have known that Corinne could help her? Probably not, but Mindy might put two and two together afterwards.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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A neat twist at the end. This is easy to read, with short sentences and paragraphs moving the story along nicely.
I liked your details: the abused, 'Vegas pretty' (and somewhat inebriated!) Mindy claiming that 9 + 6 + 7 = 21; Corinne's cool professionalism, aided by the two-way mirrors no doubt; the Pit Boss's surly attitude to her reasonable request for a brief toilet break.
So there ARE people with a heart in Las Vegas, even if they have unorthodox ways of showing it! Might Mindy have known that Corinne could help her? Probably not, but Mindy might put two and two together afterwards.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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What a delightful response to my short-short and VERY MUCH APPRECIATED. Yes, I have friends who have lived in Vegas (not for long) who tell me the city does have friendly folks "with a heart." I truly wish this contest did not have a word limit because I would have more STRONGLY HINTED that Mindy "put two and two together." Many thanks.
Comment from robyn corum
Dear friend,
I popped over to say thanks again for your kind comm-ents to my most recent poem and to offer a reciprocal review, if possible, and found this highly interesting piece.
This would -- I think -- be a tough prompt to write for -- but you're quite close to pulling off a very cool little short short. I say 'close - and I hope you'll pardon me - but I did see some potential issues... though you and I certainly may not agree. Haha!!
Though I DO like the premise of your story, there are a few key places where I think you kind of lose traction, if that makes sense at all.
I've made some notes below for your consideration:
1.) He frowned, but nodded.
*. *. *
--> this is a really simple one. I just think you need to add a couple paragraph spaces between the end of the sentence and the markers (*. *. *.)
--> it may seem like a small thing, but when you're submitting to editors, you always want as close to PERFECT as possible.
2.) When she first arrived,
--> as it stands now, this suggests Mindy arrives in the BATHROOM.
--> to imply past tense/ reflection, I suggest:
--> When she had first arrived... --or-- When Mindy had first arrived at my Black Jack table...
3.) wish is my command, Mindy, because La Tigre is your friend."
--> this seems to come out of the blue. To me, the 'La Tigre' would work better if you were actually using a name for Corinne that MEANT tiger.
4.) But since she's an assassin who works exclusively for Amos, her brother, she would need his approval of what she intended to do
--> nowhere in the story do you refer to Corinne (or does she refer to herself) in the third person ('she' instead of 'me' or 'I') except here. Makes no sense. (To me, anyway).
--> I knew I would have to get approval from my brother for what I was already planning.
5.) what she intended to do(.)
(Paragraph spacing again AND I suggest you keep your markers the same)
***
6.)here to celebrate with a friend.
--> this is an odd statement coming from Mindy. Last time we saw her, she pitched a fit about how they were NOT friends. See:
[But do you care? No, damn it! Not one kind word!]
These things may seem like matters of opinion, but I do think they should be addressed before you go into voting.
I do wish you the best of luck!!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Dear friend,
I popped over to say thanks again for your kind comm-ents to my most recent poem and to offer a reciprocal review, if possible, and found this highly interesting piece.
This would -- I think -- be a tough prompt to write for -- but you're quite close to pulling off a very cool little short short. I say 'close - and I hope you'll pardon me - but I did see some potential issues... though you and I certainly may not agree. Haha!!
Though I DO like the premise of your story, there are a few key places where I think you kind of lose traction, if that makes sense at all.
I've made some notes below for your consideration:
1.) He frowned, but nodded.
*. *. *
--> this is a really simple one. I just think you need to add a couple paragraph spaces between the end of the sentence and the markers (*. *. *.)
--> it may seem like a small thing, but when you're submitting to editors, you always want as close to PERFECT as possible.
2.) When she first arrived,
--> as it stands now, this suggests Mindy arrives in the BATHROOM.
--> to imply past tense/ reflection, I suggest:
--> When she had first arrived... --or-- When Mindy had first arrived at my Black Jack table...
3.) wish is my command, Mindy, because La Tigre is your friend."
--> this seems to come out of the blue. To me, the 'La Tigre' would work better if you were actually using a name for Corinne that MEANT tiger.
4.) But since she's an assassin who works exclusively for Amos, her brother, she would need his approval of what she intended to do
--> nowhere in the story do you refer to Corinne (or does she refer to herself) in the third person ('she' instead of 'me' or 'I') except here. Makes no sense. (To me, anyway).
--> I knew I would have to get approval from my brother for what I was already planning.
5.) what she intended to do(.)
(Paragraph spacing again AND I suggest you keep your markers the same)
***
6.)here to celebrate with a friend.
--> this is an odd statement coming from Mindy. Last time we saw her, she pitched a fit about how they were NOT friends. See:
[But do you care? No, damn it! Not one kind word!]
These things may seem like matters of opinion, but I do think they should be addressed before you go into voting.
I do wish you the best of luck!!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Dear Friend (and you are one, for only a friend would take the TIME you did to point out the story's flaws.)
I truly appreciate your comments--all of them--as they made me take another, more OBJECTIVE look at my story. And I would have to agree with most of what you're saying.
As you probably know by now, La Tigre is a recurring character in my posted stories. I guess I am hoping the reader will recognize her from previous readings. But, yes, the change in POV us rather abrupt.
I also wish I had more words to HINT that the now-sober Mindy had put two and two together before she reappeared and called Corinne "Friend."
My other errors are because FanStory upgraded their software and my computer is now incompatible. I have to post and edit with my iPad, making the process much more complicated.
But many, many thanks for sharing and taking the time to comment.
Comment from giraffmang
A nice piece, not expilicit but a lot inferred. Nice
Not bred that way I thought - the 'I' here shouldn't be in italics.
with long fake eye lashes - eyelashes can be a single word here.
But since she's an assassin who works exclusively for Amos, her brother, she would need his approval of what she intended to do- this is a rather abrupt change from third person narrative into third person. You also need end punctuation.
I came here to celebrate with a friend. Okay? - need closing speech marks here.
I think you've used these characters before. It's not against the rules but I did notice... lol
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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A nice piece, not expilicit but a lot inferred. Nice
Not bred that way I thought - the 'I' here shouldn't be in italics.
with long fake eye lashes - eyelashes can be a single word here.
But since she's an assassin who works exclusively for Amos, her brother, she would need his approval of what she intended to do- this is a rather abrupt change from third person narrative into third person. You also need end punctuation.
I came here to celebrate with a friend. Okay? - need closing speech marks here.
I think you've used these characters before. It's not against the rules but I did notice... lol
Comment Written 03-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Thank you, GMG, for your close reading of "Friend" and your many astute suggestions.
You are correct in assuming I have used these characters before.
Comment from Dumbledor
Very very sharp but sensitive writing. Enjoyed the sudden twist towards the end, almost funny in many ways, yet held well in light of the story line. Enjoyable well written, writing which held a punch.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Very very sharp but sensitive writing. Enjoyed the sudden twist towards the end, almost funny in many ways, yet held well in light of the story line. Enjoyable well written, writing which held a punch.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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I am delighted you enjoyed my short-short and appreciated the twist at the end. Thank you so much for sharing and commenting.
Comment from Sugarray77
This is a good entry for the Assassinate Me a Thriller contest prompt. Your plot was balanced and flowed well. The twist at the end was good too. Well done.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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This is a good entry for the Assassinate Me a Thriller contest prompt. Your plot was balanced and flowed well. The twist at the end was good too. Well done.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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I am very pleased you think my story is balanced and flows well. Glad you liked the twist, too. Thanks so much for sharing and commenting.
