Bittersweet Revenge
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Harsh Reality"She's back ready for revenge.
7 total reviews
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mistydawn I like how you know when to go from the hospital scene to the defective office with Jerry and JO,
Misty there is this part I'm not clear about is when the nurse is talking to Max
"You have several superficial wounds, but the doctors did a marvelous job, so you should be good as new in no time." Should I tell him about ((his heart))
(((do you mean Max's heart)))? condition
Gert
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Hello Mistydawn I like how you know when to go from the hospital scene to the defective office with Jerry and JO,
Misty there is this part I'm not clear about is when the nurse is talking to Max
"You have several superficial wounds, but the doctors did a marvelous job, so you should be good as new in no time." Should I tell him about ((his heart))
(((do you mean Max's heart)))? condition
Gert
Comment Written 07-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your kind review. Yes, Max's heart condition, the reason why he's in ICU instead of a normal hospital bed. I'll go back and see if I can reword that, make it a little clearer. Sorry for the confusion.
Thanks again for all your support, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Lots of progress here. Joe had no choice but to get up. Jerry was probably acting illegally, but it's not likely Joe will report him.
Rachel? Is that who the killer is? I thought it might be Emma. You keep a secret very well. LOL!
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Lots of progress here. Joe had no choice but to get up. Jerry was probably acting illegally, but it's not likely Joe will report him.
Rachel? Is that who the killer is? I thought it might be Emma. You keep a secret very well. LOL!
Comment Written 07-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Thank you for such a nice review. Sometimes despite situations calls for drastic measures. The way he was going, he would've lied there and died.
As far as the killer goes it could be Rachel, Emma or someone who hasn't come up in the investigation yet, lol. I can't say. See Gert and I have this challenge going, she thinks she can guess it, I say she can't. The good side to that is she's really made me up my game. Do you want in on this challenge?
Thank you again for your all your reviews and continuous support, take care.
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I'm afraid I'm totally clueless. Good job writing in a way it doesn't slip out... not easy to guess.
Comment from Brigitte Elko
This is an excellent and entertaining story. I was hooked with the opening lines. The characters seem real and mystery surrounds the plot. Well told.
A couple things I noticed that you may wish to edit to make this even better in all aspects. No offense meant, only trying to be helpful It still deserves five stars.
"Where are my wife and kids are they alright?"
god-usually capitalized
seeing it's seeing it
can wrap his head-could wrap his head
maybe she only said that to appease(that omitted)
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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This is an excellent and entertaining story. I was hooked with the opening lines. The characters seem real and mystery surrounds the plot. Well told.
A couple things I noticed that you may wish to edit to make this even better in all aspects. No offense meant, only trying to be helpful It still deserves five stars.
"Where are my wife and kids are they alright?"
god-usually capitalized
seeing it's seeing it
can wrap his head-could wrap his head
maybe she only said that to appease(that omitted)
Comment Written 06-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your kind review and helpful suggestions. I fixed all the errors thank you so much for catching them, take care.
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My pleasure.
Brigitte
Comment from apky
This was a wonderful fleshing-out of Jerry's character, showing he isn't enslaved to his work nd doesn't like certain shifts. But he is willing to do anything for his family:
Jerry is sitting at his desk reading the history of their last victim. Pulling an all-nighter is a part of the job I hate. He glances down at a picture on his desk. I'm doing this for you guys. He carefully touches their smiling faces.
You also worked great development in the relationship between Jerry and Joe.
Well done.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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This was a wonderful fleshing-out of Jerry's character, showing he isn't enslaved to his work nd doesn't like certain shifts. But he is willing to do anything for his family:
Jerry is sitting at his desk reading the history of their last victim. Pulling an all-nighter is a part of the job I hate. He glances down at a picture on his desk. I'm doing this for you guys. He carefully touches their smiling faces.
You also worked great development in the relationship between Jerry and Joe.
Well done.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much for such high praise, I'm so glad you think I'm improving. I'm hoping to make the readers fall in love with these guys, the way I have. They're so fun to work with. That's why I keep bringing them back. The stories I use different characters I feel like I'm betraying these guys somehow. Sounds crazy, huh?
Thank you again for all your help and support, I couldn't have done it without you, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Good to see the depth of feelings between jerry and Joe in this instalment.
I would suggest going through this again , especially in the opening and reducing the usage of 'is' It makes it quite passive. You can make is immediate/direct - Max sleeps soundly in his hospital bed, the only sound the hum from his IV. The dim glow from the light above the sink allows the nurse to carry out her routine tasks - or something like that.
She hopes to continue her career until she retires from the workforce - from the workforce is redundant.
"Where are my wife and kids are they alright?" - some kind of punctuation should be inserted after kids.
You have several superficial wounds - if he only has superficial wounds, why is he in the ICU?
Will I be able to dance," Max asks - this should have a question mark.
Yawing for the third time, he glances towards the picture - Yawning.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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Hi there,
Good to see the depth of feelings between jerry and Joe in this instalment.
I would suggest going through this again , especially in the opening and reducing the usage of 'is' It makes it quite passive. You can make is immediate/direct - Max sleeps soundly in his hospital bed, the only sound the hum from his IV. The dim glow from the light above the sink allows the nurse to carry out her routine tasks - or something like that.
She hopes to continue her career until she retires from the workforce - from the workforce is redundant.
"Where are my wife and kids are they alright?" - some kind of punctuation should be inserted after kids.
You have several superficial wounds - if he only has superficial wounds, why is he in the ICU?
Will I be able to dance," Max asks - this should have a question mark.
Yawing for the third time, he glances towards the picture - Yawning.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your great review and all your helpful suggestions. I'm trying to bring the characters to life, show the readers how I see them. The ICU thing, I added they discovered a heart condition. I did mention he had a lot of blood loss in the second chapter, but your right that may not be enough.
Thank you again for all your help and support, take care.
Comment from robyn corum
MD,
Sounds like an interesting premise you have going here. I'll be intrigued to catch more of it. Nice job.
But I did see a couple places that might need your attention?
1.) Straightening his linen, she walks out of the room.
--> Be careful using sentences structured this way -- it implies that she straightened his linen AS she walked out of the room, which I don't think you meant. Just add a 'After she straightened his linen, she walked out...'
2.) "You was screaming don't hurt me, Rachel."
--> I realize this is dialogue, and you can get away with more in conversation, but the appropriate verb here would be 'were'
3.) "Do you know anyone named Rachel?" she asks, straightening his linen.
-->This, I think, was about the third time she straightened or adjusted his linen. There are a lot more and varied things a nurse could be doing for a patient. I would suggest you consider changing things up a bit?
Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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MD,
Sounds like an interesting premise you have going here. I'll be intrigued to catch more of it. Nice job.
But I did see a couple places that might need your attention?
1.) Straightening his linen, she walks out of the room.
--> Be careful using sentences structured this way -- it implies that she straightened his linen AS she walked out of the room, which I don't think you meant. Just add a 'After she straightened his linen, she walked out...'
2.) "You was screaming don't hurt me, Rachel."
--> I realize this is dialogue, and you can get away with more in conversation, but the appropriate verb here would be 'were'
3.) "Do you know anyone named Rachel?" she asks, straightening his linen.
-->This, I think, was about the third time she straightened or adjusted his linen. There are a lot more and varied things a nurse could be doing for a patient. I would suggest you consider changing things up a bit?
Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 06-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your review. I was hoping you'd come back around, see that I took your advice. I'm Hoping to bring the characters to life, show my readers, how I picture them.
Thank you again for your kind review take care.The nurse she straightens linen, checks IV's and monitors now.
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Yay! I'm so pleased if my advice was helpful!! Yippee!! And I have upgraded the rating!
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Oh, well thank you so much.
Comment from royowen
Wouldn't it be horrible waking in a hospital thinking that your daughter had stabbed you and why? Reaching back he remembers his escapades with his boss and friend Joe, how he had quite literally dragged him it if a place of self-pitying" a place on a downward spiral. Well done, good excerpt, blessings, Roy,
Typo "Where are my wife and kids(,) are they alright?"
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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Wouldn't it be horrible waking in a hospital thinking that your daughter had stabbed you and why? Reaching back he remembers his escapades with his boss and friend Joe, how he had quite literally dragged him it if a place of self-pitying" a place on a downward spiral. Well done, good excerpt, blessings, Roy,
Typo "Where are my wife and kids(,) are they alright?"
Comment Written 06-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much for your great review and all your support I'm so glad you liked it. Poor Max is trying to make sense of it all. Joe and Jerry, they're a couple of clowns. Playing practical jokes on each other.
Thank you again for all your encouragement, your support, take care.
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