Legend Chasers
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Sagerton"An old man retells stories of fighting monsters.
26 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
Well, howdy Padna.
It's great to see you kick to year off to a good start. Sorry I haven't been around much, life is just way too busy to get anything done at the moment. We are in the process of renovating so we have room for when April-Rose (my daughter) comes.
Anyway, enough raving on, Fez...
"A large gray bus pulled up creaking and groaning like an old man." (lol. Nice similie)
""Most of my teaching material is online, or already at the school," Nara replied." (The online bit sounds sound weird in a place like that. I like weird lol.)
"luggage into the bed of his black truck like bags of range cubes." (Please, for the unenlightened... what the heck is a range cube?)
""Don't forget your seat-belt.(, should be a comma.)" Hank said. He pointed at a stained strap."
"She wiped particles of food off it's (its) surface."
Sounds like Nara may have got herself in a place where she'll forget her sore heart and remember food hanging from her purse lol.
An interesting start to this yarn and I'll be back to read the rest asap.
Great job.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2018
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Well, howdy Padna.
It's great to see you kick to year off to a good start. Sorry I haven't been around much, life is just way too busy to get anything done at the moment. We are in the process of renovating so we have room for when April-Rose (my daughter) comes.
Anyway, enough raving on, Fez...
"A large gray bus pulled up creaking and groaning like an old man." (lol. Nice similie)
""Most of my teaching material is online, or already at the school," Nara replied." (The online bit sounds sound weird in a place like that. I like weird lol.)
"luggage into the bed of his black truck like bags of range cubes." (Please, for the unenlightened... what the heck is a range cube?)
""Don't forget your seat-belt.(, should be a comma.)" Hank said. He pointed at a stained strap."
"She wiped particles of food off it's (its) surface."
Sounds like Nara may have got herself in a place where she'll forget her sore heart and remember food hanging from her purse lol.
An interesting start to this yarn and I'll be back to read the rest asap.
Great job.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 25-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2018
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Thank you for the brilliant review, Padna,
After all the others have reviewed, you are still able to find the grammar errors. That is so helpful!
Didn't know your daughter plans to come stay with you. How wonderful is that?
Range cubes, I'll add it, are a sort of snack for the cattle. They are expensive, but we also call them "cattle candy". We feed them that ever so often, but are very useful to put out when you want them to go to the corral for loading or medical treatment. I've tried just asking them nicely, but they don't tend to listen to me. They're just like, "Don't listen to her, she's the one the bull kicked in the head."
Also what my students say, haha.
Thanks for the review, and stars, my friend.
Tell everyone "howdy" for me!
Little Sis
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. Well, you seem to be off to a good start with your story. this chapter is most interesting and promises more intriguing situations in Nara's future. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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Excellent. Well, you seem to be off to a good start with your story. this chapter is most interesting and promises more intriguing situations in Nara's future. Nicely done.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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Thank you for reading both chapters, and leaving wonderful reviews!
Have a good week,
Rhonda
Comment from Ulla
Hi Rhonda, this looks like a very good beginning to you new book. You're setting the scene well and building up the characters as well. I'm looking forward to reading along. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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Hi Rhonda, this looks like a very good beginning to you new book. You're setting the scene well and building up the characters as well. I'm looking forward to reading along. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 06-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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Thank you, Ulla! I'm so glad you decided to read it.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Thomas Bowling
This is a great start to your book. I will be reading. I will fan you so I don't miss any. It sounds like a real adventure for Nara. A chance for a new beginning is in her reach. I assume we will find out what she is running from.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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This is a great start to your book. I will be reading. I will fan you so I don't miss any. It sounds like a real adventure for Nara. A chance for a new beginning is in her reach. I assume we will find out what she is running from.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Thank you, Thomas! I appreciate you following this story, and for following it.
You'll find out her problems, but it might take a bit. She'll have some adventures along the way.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from F. Wehr3
I enjoyed this beginning, Rhonda. I thought you created the scene well and kept my interest. I Jotted down a few things as I read.
It was summer, and it was west Texas.-- The other day my wife read some of my work, a rarity lol, and she called one of my sentences a nothing burger. Basically, it didn't say much; it was common. This is what I felt when I read this. It's passive. I think you can find a way to describe summer, which you did in the first sentence of this paragraph, and where she is.
There were few humans or animals that should dare venture into the sweltering heat, --That dared?
"Ma'am?" A deep voice said.--a deep voice said.
Startled, she whipped her head to the left.-- I think this should be part of the next paragraph because it's her action and his speech. Also, I noticed when you describe him, you break off his description into four paragraphs.
I hope you find this helpful. It's meant to be constructive.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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I enjoyed this beginning, Rhonda. I thought you created the scene well and kept my interest. I Jotted down a few things as I read.
It was summer, and it was west Texas.-- The other day my wife read some of my work, a rarity lol, and she called one of my sentences a nothing burger. Basically, it didn't say much; it was common. This is what I felt when I read this. It's passive. I think you can find a way to describe summer, which you did in the first sentence of this paragraph, and where she is.
There were few humans or animals that should dare venture into the sweltering heat, --That dared?
"Ma'am?" A deep voice said.--a deep voice said.
Startled, she whipped her head to the left.-- I think this should be part of the next paragraph because it's her action and his speech. Also, I noticed when you describe him, you break off his description into four paragraphs.
I hope you find this helpful. It's meant to be constructive.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 05-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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I so appreciate you taking the time to give me constructive advice. It is so very helpful, and exactly what is needed to help improve work. Just to criticize often causes the writer to become discouraged, but what you did was just the opposite. It helped me to see what I could improve without seeming picky.
If you get a chance, could you look it over again?
Thank you ever so much,
Rhonda
Comment from trumby
I LIKE the story and the material. Hank could have been any one of the blokes that I grew up with.
I grew up as a ringer (An Australian cowboy), and I like him. We had numerous old ringers like Riley around the place too.
Very well written with good descriptive phrasing.
I look forward to following this one.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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I LIKE the story and the material. Hank could have been any one of the blokes that I grew up with.
I grew up as a ringer (An Australian cowboy), and I like him. We had numerous old ringers like Riley around the place too.
Very well written with good descriptive phrasing.
I look forward to following this one.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much for the comments and beautiful 6 stars. It's good to know the story resonates. It was my hope it would come out well.
Take care, my friend!
Rhonda
Comment from mbroyles2
Well you've laid the groundwork well as you introduce us to Nara.
We get a quick look at her thoughts and reasons she has travelled to Texas.
A broken heart and even with Hanks good looks they are wasted on Nara.
Then we have the old man and his curious demeanor.
Three great characters to get the story rolling.
My interest is peaked.
Michael
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Well you've laid the groundwork well as you introduce us to Nara.
We get a quick look at her thoughts and reasons she has travelled to Texas.
A broken heart and even with Hanks good looks they are wasted on Nara.
Then we have the old man and his curious demeanor.
Three great characters to get the story rolling.
My interest is peaked.
Michael
Comment Written 04-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much, Michael. Your input is always appreciated and welcomed. Especially when starting a new book, it helps to get other's perspective.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Pam (respa)
-I like the premise of this new work, Rhonda.
-A legend hunter sounds intriguing.
-Very good description of the town
and the people we meet.
-It sounds like Nara will face
some challenges, the first one
adjusting to this town and wondering
why she had come here.
-Good luck with the project
and have a great 2018!
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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-I like the premise of this new work, Rhonda.
-A legend hunter sounds intriguing.
-Very good description of the town
and the people we meet.
-It sounds like Nara will face
some challenges, the first one
adjusting to this town and wondering
why she had come here.
-Good luck with the project
and have a great 2018!
Comment Written 04-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much for your comments and the brilliant six stars!
It is a different direction with my work, although, the legends will be mythical creatures.
I do appreciate your opinion and help.
Take care,
Rhonda
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You are very welcome for the review, and deserving of the stars, Rhonda. Thanks for sharing a little about the legends. You are always welcome for the support, my friend.
Comment from rspoet
Hello Rhonda,
Good to see you posting another story.
The key to the first chapter is to set the scene and draw the reader in.
You've done that well contrasting the tall, sleek Nara with the bleak surrounding.
Summer in West Texas makes me glad I live on a lake in South Jersey.
The title of the book, Legend Chasers, Is a hook all by itself.
Excellent beginning with interesting "characters"
Perhaps she'll meet Sani and discover the legend of the lost town of Hokee.
Well done
RS (Robert)
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Hello Rhonda,
Good to see you posting another story.
The key to the first chapter is to set the scene and draw the reader in.
You've done that well contrasting the tall, sleek Nara with the bleak surrounding.
Summer in West Texas makes me glad I live on a lake in South Jersey.
The title of the book, Legend Chasers, Is a hook all by itself.
Excellent beginning with interesting "characters"
Perhaps she'll meet Sani and discover the legend of the lost town of Hokee.
Well done
RS (Robert)
Comment Written 04-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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First, thank you so much for the wonderful six star rating.
I appreciate your specific comments as they are so helpful in developing further chapters.
I will return to Sani and the others once I get this book rooted. I do like having more than one project going. I'll need to go back and summarize Humanity Project and post that. It's been so long since I've posted on it.
Again, much thanks, Robert.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
You handle the contrast between Nara and her environment beautifully. Your use of imagery clearly defines the differences between the new arrival and the world she is entering. I loved Hank's response to the designer luggage name LOL - been there and heard it myself. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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You handle the contrast between Nara and her environment beautifully. Your use of imagery clearly defines the differences between the new arrival and the world she is entering. I loved Hank's response to the designer luggage name LOL - been there and heard it myself. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Thank you, my friend. I was going for the contrast, and I'm glad you picked up on it. Hank's a mess, and will try to pick away at Nara's stiff exterior.
The old man will have his try at her as well.
Thanks for reading and reviewing.
Rhonda
