Reviews from

Tree Goddessess

A horror novella.

11 total reviews 
Comment from giraffmang
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi there,

I think you have a good strong basis here for structuring the tale around, although I don't think you go far enough. the druid mentions could go deeper into the kind of rites.

Few things I picked up on as I read-

He knew it was his imagination, or was it? - I would suggest changing or to but here.

He took off all his clothes and jumped into the shower, all thoughts of sleep quickly drowned away. He started to whistle and soon was dry and dressed. - he's in the shower and then is dry & dressed...

Linda had disappeared last summer. She went for a walk in the woods, at night, and it was the last time he saw her. Her parents had her declared dead at the beginning of last winter - this wouldn't happen. In the US it is missing for seven years typically before the declaration...

It had been one of the worst Christmas's ever - Christmases, no apostrophe.

She looked out from the woods to see that the man was headed towards her. She stood there, her feet were bare and calloused; her legs unshaved, and hair a wild mess. She was naked as the day she entered this world. She stared, mouth agape, drool dripped off her lip like an animal in the throes of hunger. Animal-like cries came from her throat . Her fingers kept opening and closing as if she deperately wanted to run to him. Instead, she seemed ready to run off. - this is quite passive. there's no movement in here. I'm not suggesting re-writing but something like this makes it more immersive and gives direction over the telling-

'She watched the man move toward her, digging her bare calloused feet into the dirt beneath her. Guttural cries escaped her as she drooled. She longed to run to him, but something held her back...'

He thought back to the old druid legend that surrounded these woods. He always thought they were a bit silly, but what if they were true? - this would need to be druid legends if you continue on using 'they' otherwise it should be 'it'.

The town didn't take to the Farmer's way - Farmers'

Elsie Dickinson, another towns person - townsperson.

I hear ya' folks are doing yer own rites. Why you think - you use both ya and you for the same word here. probably better to use the same word consistently.

"Linda...," he whispered - you don't need the comma when using the ellipsis (they signify trailing off or a long pause).

What the hell happened to my babe? - would he really use 'babe' here in this scenario?

They walked up to a group of trees that seemed to move on their own - the previous trees also done likewise rendering the description here moot.

All the best
G

 Comment Written 02-Jan-2018


reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
    TY, Gareth, just when I thought it was perfect? :P Someday, I will catch spag on yours :P
Comment from Dean Kuch
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

"Writing could wait, though. He wanted, no he needed, to explore the woods right now. It was getting light, so he headed for the door. The coffee could also wait." ... Oh...hell no! Yes I agree, the writing can always wait.
But the coffee--not on your life! Wherever I go, the coffee goes too, heh-heh...

"She stared, mouth agape, drool dripped off her lip like an animal in the throes of hunger. Animal-like cries came from her throat . Her fingers kept opening and closing as if she deperately wanted to run to him. Instead, she seemed ready to run off.

I need to be quiet - he will discover me.

She pushed into an old elm tree and became one with the bark. One being living - both her and the tree."
... There was a film starring Jodie Foster as a "wild woman" left out in the woods as a child to fend for herself. She raised herself without any help from anyone else and still managed to survive.
I believe it was based on a true story.
The description you've given here of your female protagonist reminded me of Nell...

"Renaldo's silent scream was seen on his dead face. He had been gutted and eaten as he died." ... How yummy. Renaldo stew. I heard it's an ancient Celtic family recipe, LOL...

Good horror story, Rasmine.
Is this one entered in the horror story contest?
If not, it should be.
Good luck!


 Comment Written 02-Jan-2018


reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
    Yeah, it is. It won't win; already resigned myself to that fate, but it is fun to enter! :P
    TY, Dean, it's great to still see you here. :)
Comment from oliver818
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Now that's a creepy story, but really well written. I like the way you use scenes to move the story forward, mixing in the past as well and moving towards the gruesome ending. Thanks for sharing this and have yourself a really great day. Best of luck with the competition too

 Comment Written 01-Jan-2018


reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
    Oliver,
    I really appreciate seeing a six! :P It makes me feel that I am doing something right.
    TY!!!!
Comment from Dan Diego
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This entry has all the elements of a horror story. I saw mystery. I saw fear. I saw dark and mysterious. Great job. I quit looking for spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors after a few paragraphs. You seem to have the technical aspects of writing under control.

Her's a few notes for you to consider:

You wrote: "It had been one of the worst Christmas's ever."
I suggest: They lost a child. I don't think it was one of the worst. It was the worst.

You wrote: "...from her throat ."
I suggest: "...from her throat." (extra space)

You wrote: "...need to be quiet - he will discover me."
I suggest: "...need to be quiet - or he will discover me."

You wrote: "He thought back to the old druid legend that surrounded these woods."
I suggest: This disclosure comes too late in the story. You might consider foreshadowing it closer to the beginning. It is a big deal.

You wrote: "The Farmers were a druid clan that lived with a whole town of druids."
I suggest: Try to thin this out without have to say druid twice.

You wrote: "He jumped at one point, and closed his eyes tightly."
I suggest: I did not see the thing that made him jump. Break in continuity?

You wrote: "This is too bizarre!"
I suggest: This internal monologue took me out of the story for a second. Bizarre didn't feel like the right word to me for the tone and themes in the story. Just me.

 Comment Written 01-Jan-2018


reply by the author on 01-Jan-2018
    TY! :) I'll edit in a second
Comment from rtobaygo
Good
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Good afternoon, Rasmine.

Good premise. You put Renaldo through the emotional wringer. The backfill was good as it helped me understand the story. Felt sorry for him - he wanted so bad to be with Linda only to end up as food for Elsie and Maple.

The reason for a four was there where places the sentences seemed a tad awkward or I had to pause a few examples

get up anyhow, (so minds)( might as) well get ready to write, (and) then just sit and relax with a cup of coffee.

She (uttered normally means in a low voice, maybe made inhuman cries. Her fingers kept (clasping means gripping - maybe opening and closing , and she seemed ready to jump (up and down are implied) or run off.

familiar path up the wall of trees. The way it sounds is he walked up a wall of trees, maybe walked between a wall of trees?

As he continued through the (reaching) (low-hanging branches( and grasping leaves f)I htp

Maple looked at her with majesty tipped with a bit of scorn. htp

He jumped at one point, and (slammed) shut his eyes (closed implied)

Dirt encrusted her face (and stuck in her smile lines) making her look (ancient maybe old?,
"Renaldo..., come with me. She is hungry and needs to feed. I do too." ??? who is hungry?

Take care and stay safe,

Ray


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 Comment Written 31-Dec-2017


reply by the author on 31-Dec-2017
    TY, I will do this later. What is htp? :P
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Excellent
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OH my dear friend, you have the excellent knack of the horror genre and your writing has no flaws that I can see and the closing lines rock.

 Comment Written 30-Dec-2017


reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
    TY! :)
Comment from S. Pumpkin
Excellent
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I have change my original rating since you made all the changes. It reads much better now. I was afraid you would be upset and am so pleased you were not angry with me for my first rating.

 Comment Written 30-Dec-2017


reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
    TY!! I appreciate the creative criticism. I fixed it as well as I could.
Comment from Sherman541
Excellent
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Horror, I would say so. You could go far with this story. I liked it minus a couple of errors, it was great so far. A suggestion, try to find different words for the word just. Nothing wrong with that word, other than you can find a far more descriptive word for your horror story. :) Sarah

I notice a couple mistakes you might want to fix:

it was ias f there were another world here, and he could slightly, just minimally see it. [ I believe you wanted to say, it was as if ]

Glancing at the clock, he saw he would have to get up anyhow, so minds well get ready for work and just sit and relax with a cup of coffee. [ so might as well versus minds] you might want to leave just out and say: Glancing at the clock, he saw he would have to get up anyhow, so might as well get ready for work and relax with a cup of coffee. {You don't need just or sit down but you can leave that if you choose} :)

They town didn't take to the Farmer's way of doing things. [ The town not they]

 Comment Written 29-Dec-2017


reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
    TY, Sherman, I just edited. :)
reply by Sherman541 on 31-Dec-2017
    I hope you don't think of me as a nag - I know I make mistakes too and I am always glad when people tell me. I hope you have a Very Happy and Wonderful New Year!! -- you might like my, "Christmas That Was" story - it sure cheered me up to write it.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2017
    TY! I like that you pointed out my errors -- I need that!! No one here is perfect, and we need help from others. I know there are people who will get upset, but they are probably newbies who think their writing is awesome the way it is (have a new idea for a short).
    Thank you!! I thought you might think I was ungrateful when I wrote 'creative criticism', but that is what it is, and thank God for it! :P
    Happy New Year's Eve!
    Nome
reply by Sherman541 on 02-Jan-2018
    :)
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Excellent
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This horror story writing contest entry speaks wild horror in compact words with a catchy beginning and a resolved ending; I liked the tale and the dialogues are realistic. DR ALCREATOR

 Comment Written 29-Dec-2017


reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
    Hey, thank you, :)
Comment from sherrygreywolf
Excellent
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This was an interesting read. Loved the way you drew the druid legend into your story and ran with it. I particularly liked the vivid imagery and the interplay between your characters.

 Comment Written 29-Dec-2017


reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
    TY, :)