The Buy
494 Words - Undercover Cop Buys Drugs20 total reviews
Comment from zekeziemann
Engaging story that brings the reader into the cop's world. I especially like the last sentence which sums up the story and Rickey's future.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2017
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Engaging story that brings the reader into the cop's world. I especially like the last sentence which sums up the story and Rickey's future.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2017
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Thank you, Zeke for your review and feedback. Be sure to read "The Buy - Part 2". It is a sequel to this part.
Comment from Poetic Friend
Wow, it seems Ricky is in disguise as well. I enjoyed reading this story of undercover. It reminds me of a well written script from a cop television show.
I like the dialogue between the main characters. Also, you nailed the dialect.
I hope you are planning to write a sequel to this story. It begs for one.
Good luck in the contest. Happy Holidays.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2017
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Wow, it seems Ricky is in disguise as well. I enjoyed reading this story of undercover. It reminds me of a well written script from a cop television show.
I like the dialogue between the main characters. Also, you nailed the dialect.
I hope you are planning to write a sequel to this story. It begs for one.
Good luck in the contest. Happy Holidays.
Comment Written 24-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for your review and kind words. Yes, I have just released "The Buy - Part 2". It will answer some of the questions and present the next cliffhanger. Enjoy, and have a Merry Christmas.
Comment from mbroyles2
This story has a great opening scene and you gave us a good picture of the hero and his target.
A little mystery plays out as I wonder who the "fat guy" is.
Strong characters always make the story and this one promises to have plenty.
Great contest entry.
Good luck!
Merry Christmas!
Michael
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2017
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This story has a great opening scene and you gave us a good picture of the hero and his target.
A little mystery plays out as I wonder who the "fat guy" is.
Strong characters always make the story and this one promises to have plenty.
Great contest entry.
Good luck!
Merry Christmas!
Michael
Comment Written 24-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for your review and encouraging words. I have just released "The Buy - Part 2" as a sequel. Thank you again, and have a Merry Christmas.
Comment from Sugarray77
The character development was good and you certainly addressed the disguise part. It was a read that left me wanting to hear how Ricky was going to be taken down. Good job. Well-written and easy to follow.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2017
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The character development was good and you certainly addressed the disguise part. It was a read that left me wanting to hear how Ricky was going to be taken down. Good job. Well-written and easy to follow.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for your review and encouraging words. Merry Christmas.
Comment from F. Wehr3
I enjoyed this part, but it seemed as if there will be a lot more coming. As a short story, there needs to be a beginning, a middle, and an end. You've got the beginning. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
I watched her ass as she walked away. My gaze ended, as out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ricky approach the gent that had been watching me. Ricky bent over, turning his ear to the heavy-set dude. Ricky glanced my way, our eyes met. I looked away as my beer was being delivered. --My impression of this paragraph is that it focuses on your eyes (watched, saw, looked, gaze, glanced). Instead of using those words, describe what he sees. This will make your writing less passive and more engaging.
"That'll be two-seventy-five honey." --When you address someone, even if it's a pet name, use a comma before the name. Comma before honey.
"Keep the change." I said, handing her three bucks. --This is a speech tag. Use a comma after change instead of a period.
"How ya doin' Jack-song?" --Same as above. Comma before Jack.
"Not bad Ricky, what's up?" --Also a comma after bad.
"Just lettin' ya know man, I got some bad-ass shit." --Comma before man.
"Who, I talk to everybody." Ricky glances around without looking. --Couple of things in these sentences. Recommend Who? Rickey glanced not glances because you're writing the story in past tense. Also, how do you glance without looking?
Without looking, Ricky answers,--Answered
I want to encourage you to keep writing. I think you've got some good ideas.
I hope you find this helpful. If you have any questions, please ask.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2017
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I enjoyed this part, but it seemed as if there will be a lot more coming. As a short story, there needs to be a beginning, a middle, and an end. You've got the beginning. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
I watched her ass as she walked away. My gaze ended, as out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ricky approach the gent that had been watching me. Ricky bent over, turning his ear to the heavy-set dude. Ricky glanced my way, our eyes met. I looked away as my beer was being delivered. --My impression of this paragraph is that it focuses on your eyes (watched, saw, looked, gaze, glanced). Instead of using those words, describe what he sees. This will make your writing less passive and more engaging.
"That'll be two-seventy-five honey." --When you address someone, even if it's a pet name, use a comma before the name. Comma before honey.
"Keep the change." I said, handing her three bucks. --This is a speech tag. Use a comma after change instead of a period.
"How ya doin' Jack-song?" --Same as above. Comma before Jack.
"Not bad Ricky, what's up?" --Also a comma after bad.
"Just lettin' ya know man, I got some bad-ass shit." --Comma before man.
"Who, I talk to everybody." Ricky glances around without looking. --Couple of things in these sentences. Recommend Who? Rickey glanced not glances because you're writing the story in past tense. Also, how do you glance without looking?
Without looking, Ricky answers,--Answered
I want to encourage you to keep writing. I think you've got some good ideas.
I hope you find this helpful. If you have any questions, please ask.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 23-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for your review and critique. I am working hard on improving my dialogue work. I just picked up a new resource to help me as well. Thanks again so much. Merry Christmas.
Comment from Ricky1024
Well written rich and team as well as imagery plug well read well and have no grammar is she so to speak adjective content greased objective skip the measures we're perfectly aligned and in place thanks for this doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2017
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Well written rich and team as well as imagery plug well read well and have no grammar is she so to speak adjective content greased objective skip the measures we're perfectly aligned and in place thanks for this doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 23-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your review and kind words. I appreciate it.
Comment from Rikki66
The story sounds right from what I have read and seen on TV and at the movies. Even when I have spoken wilt former undercover cops they want to talk about as much as a teenage girl wants to talk with her parents. Yep, nope, maybe, I don't know, if it cannot be said in one or two words forget it.
Merry Christmas, keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2017
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The story sounds right from what I have read and seen on TV and at the movies. Even when I have spoken wilt former undercover cops they want to talk about as much as a teenage girl wants to talk with her parents. Yep, nope, maybe, I don't know, if it cannot be said in one or two words forget it.
Merry Christmas, keep up the good work.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your review and kind words. And Merry Christmas to you too.
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Welcome
Comment from humpwhistle
This is an ambitious little story. I like it. But there are few technical issues.
Most notably, you switch from past tense to present and back again. I suggest you settle on past. You omit some 'direct-address' commas. Like, 'That'll be two-seventy-five (,) honey. Always, you need a comma for direct address.
Your first sentence doesn't work as written. '. . . the suspect . . .' is the subject of this sentence, so, as written it was the suspect who sat in the cold car for hours. I know that isn't what you meant, but that's exactly what you wrote.
I hope this is helpful.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2017
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This is an ambitious little story. I like it. But there are few technical issues.
Most notably, you switch from past tense to present and back again. I suggest you settle on past. You omit some 'direct-address' commas. Like, 'That'll be two-seventy-five (,) honey. Always, you need a comma for direct address.
Your first sentence doesn't work as written. '. . . the suspect . . .' is the subject of this sentence, so, as written it was the suspect who sat in the cold car for hours. I know that isn't what you meant, but that's exactly what you wrote.
I hope this is helpful.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 22-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2017
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Thank you very much for your review and critique. It is reviews like your why I am here - to learn to write better. Up until a month ago, it has been nearly 15 years since I was actively writing. Now that I am within a year of retirement, I am resurrecting an old love. It's gonna take me a bit to get back into the swing of things. Thank you again, and have a very, Merry Christmas.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
A good story, and quite a twist at the end.
You used the idea of disguise well, which works in well with the prompt. You set the stage well with excellent description.
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2017
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A good story, and quite a twist at the end.
You used the idea of disguise well, which works in well with the prompt. You set the stage well with excellent description.
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
Comment Written 22-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for your review. Please read Part 2 of this story. I just released it yesterday. Have a very Merry Christmas.
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I would if I knew who you were. Unfortunately, I can't look you up to find it. Tell me what number it's at on the list and I'll find it there.
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Look on the front page for The Buy - Part 2. I believe it is 10th in the list. Thank you again for your review.
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Great, thanks!
Comment from sibhus
A well written piece that fills the requirements for the contest. Your dialogue seemed authentic, as well as your setting. It also had a good pace that kept my interest till the end. The ending however, was a little vague, and could use a little more. Other than that it makes for a good entry for the contest, and good luck.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2017
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A well written piece that fills the requirements for the contest. Your dialogue seemed authentic, as well as your setting. It also had a good pace that kept my interest till the end. The ending however, was a little vague, and could use a little more. Other than that it makes for a good entry for the contest, and good luck.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2017
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Thank you very much for your review. I meant for it to be a cliff hanger but realize it may have been a pretty steep cliff. LOL. I am releasing Part-2 of this story today. Part-2 is not part of the contest but will answer many questions from Part-1.
