Bittersweet Revenge
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Children Will Hurt No More"She's back ready for revenge.
8 total reviews
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mistydawn
with all your characters invoked in you story.
I have suspicions of two.
Your ending gives me a clue to who can be the serial killer
Gert
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2017
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Hello Mistydawn
with all your characters invoked in you story.
I have suspicions of two.
Your ending gives me a clue to who can be the serial killer
Gert
Comment Written 18-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your great review. So, you think you have it figured out, do you? I better start working on a few twists see if I can throw you off, lol.
Thank you again for all your support, take care.
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Okay Lorraine try a few twists on me
Smiles
Gert
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lol, now you won't know my twists from actual clues. Oh, this is going to be fun.
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I'm ready
Gert
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
good emotionality throughout the piece. Rachel definitely has something going on she's not keen to reveal...
Bonnie and Max's oldest daughter, Rachel are anxiously sitting - is anxiously.
"Webb's?" the doctor asks - just a plural here - Webbs.
"This way, Mrs. Webb. - need closing speech marks here.
You could do with some more action around the dialogue when the police talk to the daughter. it is quite 'talking heads'.
"If I have any more questions I'll let you know. = need closing speech marks here.
His daughter, Jessica called as soon - insert a comma after Jessica as well.
"Did he act strange, maybe say something abnormal." - should probably have a question mark here.
"I'm the only girlfriend and wife he's ever had. - need closing speech marks here
Old horney ass will stop for sure - horny.
sending him crumbling to the ground - crumpling may work better here.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2017
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Hi there,
good emotionality throughout the piece. Rachel definitely has something going on she's not keen to reveal...
Bonnie and Max's oldest daughter, Rachel are anxiously sitting - is anxiously.
"Webb's?" the doctor asks - just a plural here - Webbs.
"This way, Mrs. Webb. - need closing speech marks here.
You could do with some more action around the dialogue when the police talk to the daughter. it is quite 'talking heads'.
"If I have any more questions I'll let you know. = need closing speech marks here.
His daughter, Jessica called as soon - insert a comma after Jessica as well.
"Did he act strange, maybe say something abnormal." - should probably have a question mark here.
"I'm the only girlfriend and wife he's ever had. - need closing speech marks here
Old horney ass will stop for sure - horny.
sending him crumbling to the ground - crumpling may work better here.
All the best
G
Comment Written 17-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for your helpful review. I've learned a lot from you and I know I'll learn a lot more in the upcoming year. That's if you're not tired of my lengthy posts and replies. My nickname is Gabby, go figure, lol. Take care, Merry Christmas.
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Misty. Your story moves right along. It's detailed so the reader can follow the movement of your characters. I read this chapter twice because here and there I was a little confused by the action and switching scenes, but I attributed this to being new to your story. The division of scenes with *** helped a lot. My suggestion is to keep length of chapters reasonably short (not always possible) but something to keep in mind and to do your best with punctuation. Marilyn
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2017
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Hi Misty. Your story moves right along. It's detailed so the reader can follow the movement of your characters. I read this chapter twice because here and there I was a little confused by the action and switching scenes, but I attributed this to being new to your story. The division of scenes with *** helped a lot. My suggestion is to keep length of chapters reasonably short (not always possible) but something to keep in mind and to do your best with punctuation. Marilyn
Comment Written 15-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for your great review, I am so glad you liked it. You're the second one that's mentioned it is a bit lengthy. What is your suggested word count? If you're still confused about something please let me know, I'd be happy to explain, fix if there's an error.
Thank you again for such a nice review, take care.
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Hi Misty. I'm probably not the one to suggest length because I like everything fairly short when I read and write. I try to keep my prose around 500-600 words, but sometimes I can't. Some contests on FS require longer word count. One of the tools that helps me is to read and re-read my own story, honing it down, eliminating unnecessary or repetitive words. I try to make each word count to advance the story. Usually I put word count in the description line of prose pieces so reviewers will know what they can expect if they choose to read it. Some reviewers will pass up reading anything that's too long. Marilyn
Comment from patcelaw
What a well written story of revenge and the results of unforgiving spirit. Your story has me hooked and I look forward to the rest of the story. A good who done it, is always a good read, Patricia .
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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What a well written story of revenge and the results of unforgiving spirit. Your story has me hooked and I look forward to the rest of the story. A good who done it, is always a good read, Patricia .
Comment Written 14-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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This is an honor getting a review from you, it made my week, thank you so much. I do hope you enjoy the rest of the book, that I don't give it away too easily.
Thank you so much for your review take care.
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This is very well written and I found no obvious SPAG. You transition well between scenes which allows everything to flow logically in the reader's mind. I thought you did a really nice job with the questioning dialog as there was a clear surface and undertone on both sides of the conversation. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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This is very well written and I found no obvious SPAG. You transition well between scenes which allows everything to flow logically in the reader's mind. I thought you did a really nice job with the questioning dialog as there was a clear surface and undertone on both sides of the conversation. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 14-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for such a nice review, I'm so glad you enjoyed it, take care.
Comment from Dan Diego
I read chapter 1 earlier. These comments are for chapter 2.
In the first paragraph, you put tears in Bonnie's eyes. I would wait for the tears until after she talks to the coppers. Maybe fear is the emotion at that point, but not tears.
You wrote: "she questions staring him in the eyes."
I suggest: This reads awkward. Capitalize She. Maybe a commas.
You wrote: "Injured, oh my god, no, not Max,"
I felt: This might be a good soap opera line, but a little too dramatic at this point in the scene. That's just me, though. If you're in love with it, keep it in."
You wrote: "...oldest daughter, Rachel is anxiously..."
I suggest "...oldest daughter, Rachel are anxiously..."
You wrote: "She calls the extra mad money."
It might read better with 'mad money' in single quotes.
Until the next break, the story is a stream of dialogue. I think you can get by with that on FS. But this reader was looking for a little narrative to break it up. Now, I realize you chose dialog to relate information and background. And the use of police questioning is a wise choice. For me, it just needed some narrative between all the dialogue.
And of course, the end. Good job. The violence is plausible.
You probably don't want to hear this, but FS reviewers often balk at the really long chapters. It might be tough sledding for some.
Oh well, carry on. Please continue this. I'll keep an eye out for it.
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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I read chapter 1 earlier. These comments are for chapter 2.
In the first paragraph, you put tears in Bonnie's eyes. I would wait for the tears until after she talks to the coppers. Maybe fear is the emotion at that point, but not tears.
You wrote: "she questions staring him in the eyes."
I suggest: This reads awkward. Capitalize She. Maybe a commas.
You wrote: "Injured, oh my god, no, not Max,"
I felt: This might be a good soap opera line, but a little too dramatic at this point in the scene. That's just me, though. If you're in love with it, keep it in."
You wrote: "...oldest daughter, Rachel is anxiously..."
I suggest "...oldest daughter, Rachel are anxiously..."
You wrote: "She calls the extra mad money."
It might read better with 'mad money' in single quotes.
Until the next break, the story is a stream of dialogue. I think you can get by with that on FS. But this reader was looking for a little narrative to break it up. Now, I realize you chose dialog to relate information and background. And the use of police questioning is a wise choice. For me, it just needed some narrative between all the dialogue.
And of course, the end. Good job. The violence is plausible.
You probably don't want to hear this, but FS reviewers often balk at the really long chapters. It might be tough sledding for some.
Oh well, carry on. Please continue this. I'll keep an eye out for it.
Comment Written 14-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your kind, and helpful review. I'll work on adding more narrative to break up the description. I was told it's best to keep it under 2000 words, what do you suggest?
Thank you again for your nice review, take care.
Comment from apky
I know this is the opening chapter (which is the most important), but I'll give it a few more chapters. Yet I could see straight away tht you need some massive editing and re-writes here, my friend.
"What's going on, Joe, where's Max, is he hurt?" she asks, anxiously glancing around ~ And right here, the reader, especially this one, stops and asks: How on earth does Bonnie Webb know the detective so well they're on first names? You want to avoid that at the beginning of a story, Misty
Merry Christmas to you and yours,
Akinyi Prinzessin von K'Orinda-Yimbo
Max looks away. "Nothing, Bonnie." MAX looks away??
Max turns to leave when Jerry's voice echoes on his radio. "Max is in their cellar. He's unconscious but breathing, I'm calling an ambulance now." ~ Do you have more than one MAX in this story, Misty? Then you need to inform the reader so that they can differentiate them.
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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I know this is the opening chapter (which is the most important), but I'll give it a few more chapters. Yet I could see straight away tht you need some massive editing and re-writes here, my friend.
"What's going on, Joe, where's Max, is he hurt?" she asks, anxiously glancing around ~ And right here, the reader, especially this one, stops and asks: How on earth does Bonnie Webb know the detective so well they're on first names? You want to avoid that at the beginning of a story, Misty
Merry Christmas to you and yours,
Akinyi Prinzessin von K'Orinda-Yimbo
Max looks away. "Nothing, Bonnie." MAX looks away??
Max turns to leave when Jerry's voice echoes on his radio. "Max is in their cellar. He's unconscious but breathing, I'm calling an ambulance now." ~ Do you have more than one MAX in this story, Misty? Then you need to inform the reader so that they can differentiate them.
Comment Written 14-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your kind, honest review. This is actually the second chapter the first was posted but not promoted as a revive like I'd hoped, it wasn't old enough. The first chapter I do mention once that Bonnie, Mrs. Webb took care of him as a child I went back and put it in this chapter too. I'm also thinking I should put that Max is a prosecutor in this chapter too, too explain the familiarity. I also changed Bonnie to Mrs. Webb, Max to Mr. Webb when Joe was talking and changed the two typo Max's to Joe's.
I really think you'll enjoy the story if you stick with me a little longer. See, unlike my other serial killers, she gets very creative with crime scene staging.
Thank you again for all your help, I do hope you stick around, I'll miss you if you don't : ( take care.
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Of course, I'll stick around, Misty. So don't you go thinking you'll haul my arse off your work now. No chance!
Comment from royowen
I'm wondering who "she" is? Poor Max, having been stabbed by "she", fortunately he's sensible enough to crawl into the cellar, presumably to sel help, and is found eventually in the house by the police. The investigation starts, eliminating suspects, near and dear ones first. Must be the daughter of one of Max's one and only "fling". Well done, great start, I missed the first episode, good job, blessings, Roy
Typo : Do(es) your (parent(')s have any marital problems? 2: the police need(s) to be...3: See(,) Jennie was supposed...
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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I'm wondering who "she" is? Poor Max, having been stabbed by "she", fortunately he's sensible enough to crawl into the cellar, presumably to sel help, and is found eventually in the house by the police. The investigation starts, eliminating suspects, near and dear ones first. Must be the daughter of one of Max's one and only "fling". Well done, great start, I missed the first episode, good job, blessings, Roy
Typo : Do(es) your (parent(')s have any marital problems? 2: the police need(s) to be...3: See(,) Jennie was supposed...
Comment Written 14-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for such a kind review. I was hoping the first chapter would show it was revived, but it didn't. I later found out it's because it wasn't 2 or more years old. It still posted just not promoted the way I'd hoped. Live and learn, right? I still want to know what the highlight button does. Do you know?
Thanks again for all your help and support, take care.
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I don't I'm afraid, ask Phylliis Stewart.
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lol I did she doesn't know.
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Good job
