Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 56 "Chapter Siebzehn part drei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
24 total reviews
Comment from estory
I seem to have stepped into the middle of a maze whodunit. The air of mystery hangs in this episode, the characters come alive in counterpoint dialogue, their seems to be a lot of dancing around the central issues here, but in the end that one line, "you are gentile and I am jewish, and we can't get around that" seems to cut right to the chase, and open up doors onto pathways of tangled problems for this story to unwind. I guess i'll have to read the previous chapters to find out what is really going on here, there seems to be quite a bit of intrigue, and the possibility of characters using each other and manipulating to get what they want. estory
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
  |
I seem to have stepped into the middle of a maze whodunit. The air of mystery hangs in this episode, the characters come alive in counterpoint dialogue, their seems to be a lot of dancing around the central issues here, but in the end that one line, "you are gentile and I am jewish, and we can't get around that" seems to cut right to the chase, and open up doors onto pathways of tangled problems for this story to unwind. I guess i'll have to read the previous chapters to find out what is really going on here, there seems to be quite a bit of intrigue, and the possibility of characters using each other and manipulating to get what they want. estory
Comment Written 14-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from rheabug
As Always this is an interesting chapter for your book. I have been a little slow in reviewing because of the stupid shingles and now a tooth ache uggg. But I see no reason to edit this chapter and hope to see a new addition soon. You seem to have a great book going. Take care and Merry Christmas!
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
 |
As Always this is an interesting chapter for your book. I have been a little slow in reviewing because of the stupid shingles and now a tooth ache uggg. But I see no reason to edit this chapter and hope to see a new addition soon. You seem to have a great book going. Take care and Merry Christmas!
Comment Written 13-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
-
I hope you recover. I've heard the shingles are horrible. Toothaches aren't much better. Thank you for dropping by.
Comment from giraffmang
Ah well, just as things looked to be getting interesting between Anderson & Shana...
Shana took his hand and a made sure a comfortable distance - delete the 'a' from here.
Just before the song ended, Shana stepped way - away?
"I'm middle class and you're high class." - maybe it's different but here we'd say upper class.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
|
Ah well, just as things looked to be getting interesting between Anderson & Shana...
Shana took his hand and a made sure a comfortable distance - delete the 'a' from here.
Just before the song ended, Shana stepped way - away?
"I'm middle class and you're high class." - maybe it's different but here we'd say upper class.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
-
I've had problems with your first suggestion. I didn't originally have 'a' there, but was told to put it in. I have now deleted it. I trust your judgement more than others. I have made the corrections. Thank you.
Comment from rtobaygo
Good morning, Barbara
I enjoyed the post. It's Tuesday morning and I'm already of of sixes. How Shana wanted to end the relationship between her and Anderson due to differences in income and religion was well played. I wonder how this is going to affect retrieving the picture?
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2017
|
Good morning, Barbara
I enjoyed the post. It's Tuesday morning and I'm already of of sixes. How Shana wanted to end the relationship between her and Anderson due to differences in income and religion was well played. I wonder how this is going to affect retrieving the picture?
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
Comment Written 12-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2017
-
Anderson is not used to hearing no. I wonder what will happen now. I appreciate the kind review.
Comment from rama devi
Sending prayers, as requested in your notes.
This is a fine chapter segment. Characterization is fine, flow is good, dialog sounds true to life and circumstance. Good job with the dramatic closing hook.
A few minor nits:
* He took off the back and gently brushed her hair aside,(no ,) as he attached the earring to her lobe. Then he repeated the same on the other side.
*
"I tried to get to her,(no ,) but got trapped talking with Joe about business."
*
She paused. "I'm middle class(,) and you're high class."
*
"You're Gentile(,) and I'm Jewish. We can't work around that."
Remember, a comma comes before a conjunction only if the subsequent clause is INDEPENDENT...not when it is dependent.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
|
Sending prayers, as requested in your notes.
This is a fine chapter segment. Characterization is fine, flow is good, dialog sounds true to life and circumstance. Good job with the dramatic closing hook.
A few minor nits:
* He took off the back and gently brushed her hair aside,(no ,) as he attached the earring to her lobe. Then he repeated the same on the other side.
*
"I tried to get to her,(no ,) but got trapped talking with Joe about business."
*
She paused. "I'm middle class(,) and you're high class."
*
"You're Gentile(,) and I'm Jewish. We can't work around that."
Remember, a comma comes before a conjunction only if the subsequent clause is INDEPENDENT...not when it is dependent.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 12-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
-
UHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I so hate commas. I will do my best, they scorch me every time. LOL I do appreciate your help.
-
They are testy and hard to tame. That's why there are editors! :-)
-
PS - well, one of the reasons, anyway!
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
She paused. "I'm middle class and you're high class."
Anderson took a step toward her and reached out his hand. "We can work around that. It shouldn't matter."
"You're Gentile and I'm Jewish. We can't work around that." Shana continued to her room. '
Sad that the fact remains I am seen as a mutt because of the mixing of my blood and 'only' being part Jewish, my humour is Jewish and my ways are pretty much Jewish! I love your work Barbara and yes I will pray for all the children living in poverty, you are a good woman to think of them, so many people just don't care. A great write as ever, kind regards Meia x
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2017
|
She paused. "I'm middle class and you're high class."
Anderson took a step toward her and reached out his hand. "We can work around that. It shouldn't matter."
"You're Gentile and I'm Jewish. We can't work around that." Shana continued to her room. '
Sad that the fact remains I am seen as a mutt because of the mixing of my blood and 'only' being part Jewish, my humour is Jewish and my ways are pretty much Jewish! I love your work Barbara and yes I will pray for all the children living in poverty, you are a good woman to think of them, so many people just don't care. A great write as ever, kind regards Meia x
Comment Written 11-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2017
-
Thank you for the kind review and a understanding.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Barbara, another great chapter you've penned. I only have one problem, and that is with Shana. I know you want her to behave so nobody can say she's too forward, but I think you should think of making her act just a little bit less timid. Just a thought. I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2017
|
Hi Barbara, another great chapter you've penned. I only have one problem, and that is with Shana. I know you want her to behave so nobody can say she's too forward, but I think you should think of making her act just a little bit less timid. Just a thought. I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 11-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2017
-
Shana will be less timid when the time comes. She needs to be a she is right now to follow Jewish protocol, at least the type of Jewish that she was raised. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Rasmine
Barbara,
You got it! I did my thesis on the effect of homelessness on a child's education. The outcome was grim. :( Thank you, for writing this and dedicating it to poor children. They don't have a choice but to be where they are. If mom or dad lose their job, then home -- it could happen to anyone.
I found a questionable punctuation:
Just before the song ended, Shana stepped way. "This isn't right? (I would suggest an exclamation point instead of a question mark)" She hurried toward her room.
Take care,
Rasmine (Nome)
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2017
|
Barbara,
You got it! I did my thesis on the effect of homelessness on a child's education. The outcome was grim. :( Thank you, for writing this and dedicating it to poor children. They don't have a choice but to be where they are. If mom or dad lose their job, then home -- it could happen to anyone.
I found a questionable punctuation:
Just before the song ended, Shana stepped way. "This isn't right? (I would suggest an exclamation point instead of a question mark)" She hurried toward her room.
Take care,
Rasmine (Nome)
Comment Written 11-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2017
-
I agree. I will fix that punctuation. These children rarely have a decent chance at life.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Anderson slammed the door in anger. He is not used to hearing NO from anyone. The religious difference only matters if they're really devout. Other than that, no problem. Certainly not class. I think we've come past that... I hope. Too bad Emily could not stay longer. I would have made a bigger exception and let her watch the dancing for fifteen minutes or so. You can't do that while you are learning to dance.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2017
|
Anderson slammed the door in anger. He is not used to hearing NO from anyone. The religious difference only matters if they're really devout. Other than that, no problem. Certainly not class. I think we've come past that... I hope. Too bad Emily could not stay longer. I would have made a bigger exception and let her watch the dancing for fifteen minutes or so. You can't do that while you are learning to dance.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2017
-
Shana's family is complete devout and haven't come past this. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from apky
Another terrific post to your story.
You may dislike me for this, but I still think Shana, as the heroine, is far too timid. Either she accepts the earrings or she doesn't - saying no, and then remaining silent as Anderson pins the earrings to her ears comes across as too weak. She's not fifteen, she's twenty-five. Ditto - either she refuses to dance or she does, with some appropriate comment after her initial decline. Dancing and then hurrying off seems pretty immature. I know there's love brewing between them, but she needs to be active in it, not always reactive - my opinion.
After Maxwell left, Shana frowned. "I expected more." ~ I was under the impression that Shana said this aloud, and had expected that she would get an explanation or comment from one of the people in, most likely Anderson himself.
Just before the song ended, Shana stepped way(away).
"This isn't right?"(I don't understand why this is in the question form) She hurried toward her room.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2017
|
Another terrific post to your story.
You may dislike me for this, but I still think Shana, as the heroine, is far too timid. Either she accepts the earrings or she doesn't - saying no, and then remaining silent as Anderson pins the earrings to her ears comes across as too weak. She's not fifteen, she's twenty-five. Ditto - either she refuses to dance or she does, with some appropriate comment after her initial decline. Dancing and then hurrying off seems pretty immature. I know there's love brewing between them, but she needs to be active in it, not always reactive - my opinion.
After Maxwell left, Shana frowned. "I expected more." ~ I was under the impression that Shana said this aloud, and had expected that she would get an explanation or comment from one of the people in, most likely Anderson himself.
Just before the song ended, Shana stepped way(away).
"This isn't right?"(I don't understand why this is in the question form) She hurried toward her room.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2017
-
I have a few areas that need to be corrected. I will get to them. Thank you.
