Timmy's Endowment
Where there is despair sow hope16 total reviews
Comment from zekeziemann
Wonderful story whether highly fictionalized or not. The dialogue between customers and the Strattons is well done and emphasizes the theme well.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2017
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Wonderful story whether highly fictionalized or not. The dialogue between customers and the Strattons is well done and emphasizes the theme well.
Comment Written 25-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this little story.
Appreciate your comments and support.
Comment from Cheryl I
I really enjoyed this story and I think you are a good writer. There are a couple of places that could be a little bit smoother, and I recommend that you read this aloud or ask someone else to do that for you. I wouldn't mention it, but the rest of your writing is so good that a little tweak would make it even better. Good job. All the best.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
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I really enjoyed this story and I think you are a good writer. There are a couple of places that could be a little bit smoother, and I recommend that you read this aloud or ask someone else to do that for you. I wouldn't mention it, but the rest of your writing is so good that a little tweak would make it even better. Good job. All the best.
Comment Written 16-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
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Will you tell me what needs to be tweaked?
Believe me, I can handle it.
This is a contest piece so I want it to be as good as it can be, and if you see something that needs improvement, I would like to hear about it.
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Sure, Brett, I would be happy to tell you where I felt tripped-up a little. The best way, I think, is for me to tell you how I would write it. You may not like the way I handle it, or might decide to keep it as is - no worries.
You will easily find the passages I am referring to, as I just moved around some words. There are two areas I would tweak.
First, I would say "She watched the woman's little boy walk out the door with a new burnt orange Schwinn 10 speed."
Secondly, "The front room of the pop-up, lined with dozens of new and used bicycles, is where Timmy's family raffled off eight new bikes.
You can feel the difference when you read it out loud. I hope this is helpful.
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Noted and thanks a lot. They do read better that way.
Comment from Dan Diego
You aimed for the heart on this one. And it works. The opening rang of a fictional narrative intent on sharing a vacation story. Then you gave us this jolt: " Timmy would not return." You quickly took us through the sorrow and then narrated how a family responds to tragedy with charity. The maid in the story worked in contrast with the rich lady to visualize just how the size of one's bank balance is no measure against the size of their heart.
I looked for spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors. I found none. I looked for breaks in continuity until I figure out this is heading towards its final destination. A great read through and through. Good luck. I hope the panel reads this.
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2017
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You aimed for the heart on this one. And it works. The opening rang of a fictional narrative intent on sharing a vacation story. Then you gave us this jolt: " Timmy would not return." You quickly took us through the sorrow and then narrated how a family responds to tragedy with charity. The maid in the story worked in contrast with the rich lady to visualize just how the size of one's bank balance is no measure against the size of their heart.
I looked for spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors. I found none. I looked for breaks in continuity until I figure out this is heading towards its final destination. A great read through and through. Good luck. I hope the panel reads this.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this posting.
I realize it has taken me a while to respond to your review, but at this time of year there is a lot going on.
Appreciate you taking the time to read the story and comment on it.
Comment from Asem.inspirations
Hello there, Brett: What a great story. It is so sad that this sort of thing could actually happen. I did hear about this real story, In fact, I was so interested in this that I googled the article and posted it at the end of this review.
Anyway, I really enjoyed this story. I appreciated the way you put it together surrounding this tragedy. It was a great way to introduce this danger and the fact that this could happen to any of us. This was a vacation that Timmy looked forward to. He then had a normal and innocent swim, which was that leisurely fun of afternoon of swimming in the blue waters of the Caribbean(as you put it.) Timmy was enjoying his family vacation and then just like that, he inhales an Amoeba and only four days later, his life has ended. What a horrible, horrible tragedy.
I really got involved in this story. Of course, I could relate to these parent's pain and suffering at the lost of their Timmy. I could feel their pain. It was a loving and good thing they did to keep Timmy's memory alive and yet to make all others aware of the way Timmy died. The Timothy Stratton Foundation for Amoeba Awareness and Prevention Even - was a perfect touch for this story. I've seen families pull these kind of events for this kind of cause. Giving away these bicycles is a beautiful act. Even if the winners were too distracted by the bikes, they would soon or one day have to pay serious attention to why they received those free bikes.
I also loved it that you included a well off lady, who sympathetically wrote Timmy's mother a ten thousand dollar check. This too was an act that would never have happened if Timmy did not die the way he did.
This is another exceptional story. it is a memorable one too because I am a mother who worries about anything that could cause me the loss of any of my children. Thank you so much for this information. You are an amazing Writer and I am so happy that I am a fan of your work. I will keep looking forward to these informative stories by you. Much love...
In fact, I was so curious after reading this story that I googled it and found the article about this that was written on: Aug 22, 2011 3:07 PM EST - Brain-eating amoeba, found in warm lakes, streams, and hot springs, are back. Or more accurately, they never went away. Three people have died in recent weeks after attacks from a single-celled organism called Naegleria fowleri: A girl in Florida, a boy in Virginia and a 20-year-old man in Louisiana.
Could it be the start of a real-life version of a bad sci-fi flick? Probably not, according to infectious disease expert Dr. Roy Gulick of the Weill Cornell Medical College. Between one and eight people have been killed eisurely fun afternoon of swimming in the blue waters of the Caribbean.
by the amoeba almost every year in the United States since it was first discovered in the mid-1960s.
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2017
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Hello there, Brett: What a great story. It is so sad that this sort of thing could actually happen. I did hear about this real story, In fact, I was so interested in this that I googled the article and posted it at the end of this review.
Anyway, I really enjoyed this story. I appreciated the way you put it together surrounding this tragedy. It was a great way to introduce this danger and the fact that this could happen to any of us. This was a vacation that Timmy looked forward to. He then had a normal and innocent swim, which was that leisurely fun of afternoon of swimming in the blue waters of the Caribbean(as you put it.) Timmy was enjoying his family vacation and then just like that, he inhales an Amoeba and only four days later, his life has ended. What a horrible, horrible tragedy.
I really got involved in this story. Of course, I could relate to these parent's pain and suffering at the lost of their Timmy. I could feel their pain. It was a loving and good thing they did to keep Timmy's memory alive and yet to make all others aware of the way Timmy died. The Timothy Stratton Foundation for Amoeba Awareness and Prevention Even - was a perfect touch for this story. I've seen families pull these kind of events for this kind of cause. Giving away these bicycles is a beautiful act. Even if the winners were too distracted by the bikes, they would soon or one day have to pay serious attention to why they received those free bikes.
I also loved it that you included a well off lady, who sympathetically wrote Timmy's mother a ten thousand dollar check. This too was an act that would never have happened if Timmy did not die the way he did.
This is another exceptional story. it is a memorable one too because I am a mother who worries about anything that could cause me the loss of any of my children. Thank you so much for this information. You are an amazing Writer and I am so happy that I am a fan of your work. I will keep looking forward to these informative stories by you. Much love...
In fact, I was so curious after reading this story that I googled it and found the article about this that was written on: Aug 22, 2011 3:07 PM EST - Brain-eating amoeba, found in warm lakes, streams, and hot springs, are back. Or more accurately, they never went away. Three people have died in recent weeks after attacks from a single-celled organism called Naegleria fowleri: A girl in Florida, a boy in Virginia and a 20-year-old man in Louisiana.
Could it be the start of a real-life version of a bad sci-fi flick? Probably not, according to infectious disease expert Dr. Roy Gulick of the Weill Cornell Medical College. Between one and eight people have been killed eisurely fun afternoon of swimming in the blue waters of the Caribbean.
by the amoeba almost every year in the United States since it was first discovered in the mid-1960s.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2017
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I'll simply say this is an amazing review. Thank you very much.
Comment from Mabaker
Death of a child is so hard to comprehend. My son contracted blood poisoning at five years of age. Four days before Christmas. I don't remember that one, only that four big Firemen came with Santa and gave my dying son toys. I know there was a red tractor amongst them. After fifteen weeks he survived. Thank God. Mabaker
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2017
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Death of a child is so hard to comprehend. My son contracted blood poisoning at five years of age. Four days before Christmas. I don't remember that one, only that four big Firemen came with Santa and gave my dying son toys. I know there was a red tractor amongst them. After fifteen weeks he survived. Thank God. Mabaker
Comment Written 11-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2017
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I realize it has taken me a while to respond to your review.
However, at this time of year we are all busy.
Appreciate you reading this posting.
Comment from emptypage
The sentiment is very nice, Brett, but the story is a little slow moving. I'd suggest more show and less tell, as well as possibly a story about Linda and story about Margaret coming together in the end.
Good luck.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2017
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The sentiment is very nice, Brett, but the story is a little slow moving. I'd suggest more show and less tell, as well as possibly a story about Linda and story about Margaret coming together in the end.
Good luck.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2017
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A new story about lesbianism? I have a question for you? Why would Margaret, who is married to Marshall, "come together" with Linda?
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The story threads, Brett, not the women. Also, I said, "a story about Linda and a story about Margaret coming together in the end," so that was obvious. I imagine you are unhappy with your review. I usually give you fives and sixes. If I give someone something different, there is generally a reason. Your homepage says you prefer honest reviews. Is that no longer the case? You are aware that I was saying zero about lesbianism.
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Actually, I took your message to mean lesbianism. Upon your further explanation, I can see you meant as friends. Appreciate the clarification. Yes, I want honest reviews so keep them coming.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
This lets us know that the Christmas spirit no matter the reason, is still alive and flourishing to help others and remember at the same time
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
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This lets us know that the Christmas spirit no matter the reason, is still alive and flourishing to help others and remember at the same time
Comment Written 10-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this posting.
Always appreciate your comments and support.
Comment from Ricky1024
As like move on nothing is Promised forever I lost my son 14 years ago was 18 and yes that's not fictional and yes it is hard each day and yes I write about it and that helps a lot we didn't donate bikes but we did donate to scholarship for 4 years for seniors from our local high school going into college and Jason's name dr. Ricky 1024 well-written
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
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As like move on nothing is Promised forever I lost my son 14 years ago was 18 and yes that's not fictional and yes it is hard each day and yes I write about it and that helps a lot we didn't donate bikes but we did donate to scholarship for 4 years for seniors from our local high school going into college and Jason's name dr. Ricky 1024 well-written
Comment Written 10-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
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Thanks, glad you enjoyed this posting.
Losing a child is never easy. I only have one. Glad I have not had to endure such a loss.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
Ã? very well-written heartfelt story. It is very sad that Timmy lost his life, but it is also wonderful that something good was born out of the sad circumstances and many other children benefit.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
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Ã? very well-written heartfelt story. It is very sad that Timmy lost his life, but it is also wonderful that something good was born out of the sad circumstances and many other children benefit.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this story.
Appreciate your comments and reviews.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
This is a beautiful and sad Christmas Story for the writing prompt.
It's amazing how one little thing can change lives forever.
Thank you for sharing this lovely story and good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
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This is a beautiful and sad Christmas Story for the writing prompt.
It's amazing how one little thing can change lives forever.
Thank you for sharing this lovely story and good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon
Comment Written 10-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2017
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I realize it has taken me a while to respond to your review.
This has been a busy time for all of us.
I do appreciate you taking the time to read the story and to write a review.
Glad you enjoyed this posting.
