Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Happily Ever After"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
6 total reviews
Comment from Natali Holden
That ending! I'm freaking out! This is so awesome! I never actually read him in any of the chapters, but thank you so much for catching me up when I started out otherwise I would be wondering who John is. Perfect ending! Can't wait to read more of your books and scripts!
Natali ;D
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2017
That ending! I'm freaking out! This is so awesome! I never actually read him in any of the chapters, but thank you so much for catching me up when I started out otherwise I would be wondering who John is. Perfect ending! Can't wait to read more of your books and scripts!
Natali ;D
Comment Written 01-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for your fantastic review, your wonderful six-star rating, and all of your encouragement. I am so glad you liked it, it means the world to me.
Thank you again for all of your help and support, you're helping my dream come true, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A good chapter. I don't think you need to refer to John any more than have him turn up at the end.
Jerry is sitting at his desk. Jerry is standing behind him - I think one of these people isn't supposed to be Jerry...
"What games, I'm not playing any games," she sleepily replies. - should probably have a question mark in here.
He smells delicious aroma's lingering - just a plural here - aromas.
"Table for one?" A waitress asks - a waitress.
Madeline and Katie gasps - gasp.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2017
Hi there,
A good chapter. I don't think you need to refer to John any more than have him turn up at the end.
Jerry is sitting at his desk. Jerry is standing behind him - I think one of these people isn't supposed to be Jerry...
"What games, I'm not playing any games," she sleepily replies. - should probably have a question mark in here.
He smells delicious aroma's lingering - just a plural here - aromas.
"Table for one?" A waitress asks - a waitress.
Madeline and Katie gasps - gasp.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your kind and always helpful review. You're right it should be Joe and Jerry.
Thank you again for your always appreciated review, You're help and support means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from apky
No, no, no, no, Misty.
You've gone right ahead and ruined your great story. Your rushed yourself and your reader out of the story as if it was a house about to explode and you gave no one a change to even put their clothes on!
You threw in Stan's death, no explanations as to how and when, then the house has been sold/given Katie, and then there's Bill - who is he anyway...
No Misty. This was a great story and you just throttled it and blew it up as if you were tired of even writing another single word...
The five starys are for the great story you wrote up until this chapter.
I'm sorry, but I'm honest with you.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2017
No, no, no, no, Misty.
You've gone right ahead and ruined your great story. Your rushed yourself and your reader out of the story as if it was a house about to explode and you gave no one a change to even put their clothes on!
You threw in Stan's death, no explanations as to how and when, then the house has been sold/given Katie, and then there's Bill - who is he anyway...
No Misty. This was a great story and you just throttled it and blew it up as if you were tired of even writing another single word...
The five starys are for the great story you wrote up until this chapter.
I'm sorry, but I'm honest with you.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2017
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I'm so sorry you feel this way but I do appreciate your honesty. I take it from your review you think I should add a chapter (s) before this last one or maybe split this one? I'm just not sure where.
I did mention Stan's heart attack in the previous chapter and Bill was mentioned very early on. I'm thinking I should go back mention Bill and John more to keep them in the reader's minds. Any helpful insight on a new chapter or a split would be greatly appreciated because I'm not sure what to do.
Thank you so much for your continuous support, help honesty it really does mean so much to me, take care.
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Okay, darling, let's see how we can rescue this.
Katelyn: Actually this whole story is about her. She's the main protagonist. You spent so much time making readers fall in love with her, suffer her loss of John with her, the prison, the sexual abuse, the drug dealers who got her into trouble again, etc. All this, plus the "craziness" of hearing things in her mind, made readers empathise with her. So you need to have a HUGU incentive for her to break away from her bad habits. Johnny would definitely be that incentive. Don't simply throw them together into each other's arms at the last second, and all is well. Nope, the reader will feel fobbed off after wasting all their time and emotion reading the book and rooting for Katelyn. (See how angry with disappointment I was in my review!)It comes off as phoney as Kim Kardashian's arse!
Let Katelyn and Johnny perhaps have some kind of contact a few chapters before this. Say, K receives a letter or email (throguh her mother, maybe, if J doesn't have her contact, seeing as she has been all over the place with problems?) Let him explain why he'd gone, how he still loves her and had never forgotten her, how, if K would still have him, he'd be before her on his knees at the next possible moment, etc. This in fact, gives K great incentive to break away from all the bad and be the girl J loved and still loves! HUGE INCENTIVE & BELIEVABLE! Let K mend her ways, become a strong woman, tell J in the by now rather frequent correspondence that, yes, she will be the happiest woman alive to have him back in her arms.
Then let them get together again and see those readers weeping tears of joy, Misty - their Numero Uno Lady made it against all odds!
Stan was a major player in this story. Don't fob us off with "he died of a heart problem" - show us Stan suffering even if only for a few minutes before he dies, we readers want our revenge because Stan had made life hell for our Numero Uno and her loving caring mum, Madeline. Then let us have a funeral for Stand, perhaps a will he left for his family after all; let the family gather and bury him and through this sorrow/relief become a united family again.
I don't remember who Bill was, but I suspect he's Katie's husband, so the family re-union sit-together will include him.
Hell, sweetie, have an epilogue where you give Katelyn and Johnny a nice little wedding before we all can say HEA!
I hope this helps.
Warmly,
Aki
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That is a huge help, I'll start revising right away.
Yeah, I could tell you were angry, I could hear you yelling at me as I was reading through. I pictured your hands fly through the air, telling me everything I did wrong mere seconds away from strangling me.
I'll start working on the revision today, hopefully, you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Thank you again for all your help it means the world to me.
Guess what, my youngest son is having a girl in March. It'll be his third girl. Another baby to spoil rotten, dress in pretty clothes, do hair and nails I can't wait.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
"If you hadn't hit him, both you and Katelyn might be dead." Seeing a frightened look on her face he continues, "So wouldn't you rather hurt your father than die?" I feel that because there is real stuff going on here,it is DEEPLY emotional. You have done an EXCELLENT job. I am going to say that adding back the chatchter is not a shock for me. I may have missed a page or so of this. I will go back and read...deeply moving well done much love and kind wishes Meia xx
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2017
"If you hadn't hit him, both you and Katelyn might be dead." Seeing a frightened look on her face he continues, "So wouldn't you rather hurt your father than die?" I feel that because there is real stuff going on here,it is DEEPLY emotional. You have done an EXCELLENT job. I am going to say that adding back the chatchter is not a shock for me. I may have missed a page or so of this. I will go back and read...deeply moving well done much love and kind wishes Meia xx
Comment Written 29-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for such a kind review, and all your encouraging words, I am so glad you enjoyed it. This story was a project Katelyn and I started before she passed. I wanted to finish it in her memory, my final birthday present to her.
Thanks again for such a wonderful review, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Here's a six for the story. Good job. It's okay that you didn't mention Johnny, since he had disappeared so long ago, but perhaps you could toss in a memory of him here or there.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2017
Here's a six for the story. Good job. It's okay that you didn't mention Johnny, since he had disappeared so long ago, but perhaps you could toss in a memory of him here or there.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2017
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Oh my gosh, thank you so much for such a fantastic review. I'm very honored that you like the story. Love your great suggestion, I'll go back and do that.
Thank you again for all of your help and support, they mean so much to me, take care.
Comment from smudge
I am not quite sure what this is. The story is in the present tense like a film script rather than a novel and the dialogue is great and also in abundance moving the story on.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2017
I am not quite sure what this is. The story is in the present tense like a film script rather than a novel and the dialogue is great and also in abundance moving the story on.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2017
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Thank you for such a wonderful review, I am glad you enjoyed the chapter and found the dialogue efficient enough to move the story along.
Thanks again for such a kind review, take care.