Reviews from

Old Man Winter

A season of life for Old Man Winter

26 total reviews 
Comment from LateBloomer
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hello Mimi Linny, A timely poem. I especially liked:

Behold my still and tranquil sound
Of graceful snowflakes floating down;
And framed upon the moon aglow,
You'll glimpse the gentle falling snow.

(Beautiful, graceful imagery.)

I also liked:
But then at last his time will come
When Old Man Winter's days are done
With one last breath, a chill he'll blare
While Spring looms dancing in the air...

(Amen. Spring glorious Spring!)

Silky rhyming. Fantastic complementary artwork choice. A pleasure to read. Congratulations on your win! LateBloomer


 Comment Written 19-Nov-2017


reply by the author on 19-Nov-2017
    Thank you so very much for your lovely review! I loved writing this and am so happy that you enjoyed! Have a wonderful week!
Comment from rama devi
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Congrats on winning the contest! Much deserved! I love this! I enjoyed the musicality and the imagery. Great presentation too. This is delightfully descriptive. A fine poetic portrait with great personification. Favorite lines (phonetically and with meaning too):

Through whirling winds and frigid chill

Creates his wintery citadel.


The rhymes throughout are wonderful. Excellent flow and phonetics in phrasing but the read is hampered by the lack of punctuation in so many lines so the reader has to think about form and where enjambment is begin used or not. Using all caps also deters the easy read. I recommend adding punctuation, in which case all caps would not be an issue.

Noted quite a few spag suggestions for your consideration:


Yawning through the autumn breezes
Old Man Winter wakes with sneezes
Stretching wide his wings from rest(; or .)
Another year's at his behest.
While breathing icy, chilly frost
He waves behind the seasons lost(,)
And as he forms his winter cave
With Mother Nature as his slave
Through whirling winds and frigid chill(,)
Creates his wintery citadel.(,)

Then arches back and takes command(.)
"I'm here to rule this Winter Land
With brawn, controlled authority(,)
I'll reign in true supremacy
And dominate(,) in potent form(,)
Through frigid cold, dynamic storm(,)
And take to task the seasons mild(.)
In strength, I'm nature's different child!"

"But(,) in all fairness, judge not ye(,)
For there's another side of me.
Behold my still and tranquil sound
Of graceful snowflakes floating down(,)
And framed upon the moon aglow
You'll glimpse the gentle falling snow(,)
Serene and sparkling, glistening bright(.)
When all's encased in snowy white(,)
A calmness tames my winter's moan
With Mother Nature's gentle tone."

But then(,) at last(,) his time will come
When Old Man Winter's days are done(; or .)
With one last breath, a chill he'll blare
While Spring looms dancing in the air(.)
"Goodnight, dear friends," he's heard to cheer(,)
(")It's past my bedtime... til next year!"



I enjoyed reading this aloud, especially this stanza:


"But in all fairness, judge not ye
For there's another side of me.
Behold my still and tranquil sound
Of graceful snowflakes floating down
And framed upon the moon aglow
You'll glimpse the gentle falling snow
Serene and sparkling, glistening bright
When all's encased in snowy white
A calmness tames my winter's moan
With Mother Nature's gentle tone."


Delightful!

Sorry to have to give four stars. As your name is new to me, I warmly welcome you to FS. Also, please know that I am happy to upgrade the rating with a second review if you decide to revise with more punctuation (not necessarily what my suggestions are - but anything to improve the read for enjambment)...


I think your poem worthy of the time for extra critique, so please take it in the helpful spirit with which it is intended!

Love the musicality in your poem, especially all the phonetic poetic devices!

Best wishes.

Warm Smiles,
rd


This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 18-Nov-2017


reply by the author on 18-Nov-2017
    Hi, Rama! I am so happy that you appreciated and enjoyed my "Old Man Winter!" And I very much appreciate your constructive criticism on the punctuation... What's funny is that I had pre-planned on going back to make a few adjustments to the punctuation; however, deadline for entry was very short and, even now, have never have gotten back to it... Ironically, one of my own worst "self-criticisms" is that I usually "over-punctuate!"

    Thank you, too, for welcoming me to FanStory. Since I recently retired (after 42 years with our local government), I now have some extra time to pursue my life-long love of dabbling in the writing of poetry. Throughout the years I have written a few things for special events at work, birthdays, retirements, helping with kids and/or grand-kids projects, and other miscellaneous occasions, but nothing serious. Since I've been with FanStory and had some of my writings reviewed, it's given me great encouragement to do more! I am proud of this as one of my newest attempts and once again, I am so happy that you, too, enjoyed!

    Have a wonderful day!
reply by rama devi on 18-Nov-2017
    Thank for your gracious and enthusiastic response, dear Mimi. So nice to hear of your excitement to write more!

    Sometimes unctuation is best avoided. Otherwise, it is best not left out. I find that longer poems with tons of connected lines (enjambment) usually fare better with more punctuation, and shorter poems (like three liners) often fare best without any, or only minimal...

    Warm Smiles,
    rd
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2017
    I actually think punctuation in poetry is one of the hardest things to set. As you mentioned, sometimes none, sometimes all; however, with such a wide range of style and non-traditional types of poetry out there now, it's definitely a difficult decision on correct usage... Am going back over "all" of mine now! LOL :)
reply by rama devi on 18-Nov-2017
    always good to return to works later and see how we might improve them!

    An+other option with lots of enjambment is to sculpt the sentence flow by using caps at the start of a new sentence and not on every line. That way, end-line computation is not mandatory.

    I often employ that device plus minimal punctuation (like a couple of dashes) - or indents and line breaks for pause effects instead of punctuation.

    So many options...

    Warmly,
    rd
reply by rama devi on 18-Nov-2017
    PS do let me know when revisions are done - I'll revisit.

    Heading to bed...late here! (In Florida at the moment. I am often in India, where it is now midday)...
Comment from Cybertron1986
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

This was flawless in both presentation and expression. So many vivid imagery here Inwould know where to begin identifying my favorite part of the poem. However, the use of citadel and slave was elegant and philosophically poetic. As a reader, I was truly engrossed in your piece. Beautiful

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2017


reply by the author on 17-Nov-2017
    Thank you so much for this wonderful review and comments. I?m so happy that you enjoyed and greatly appreciate your lovely comments! It was fun to write! Thank you again and have a grand day!
Comment from Bill Schott
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This personification poem, Old Man Winter, tells us a story in rhyming couplets that makes me almost want winter to come and stay awhile. Maybe.

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2017


reply by the author on 17-Nov-2017
    Awww... thank you for your great review and wonderful comments! It was quite fun to write! I am so happy that you enjoyed! Hope we'll have some of that pretty white stuff to enjoy (at least for a little while)! Thanks again and have a wonderful day!
Comment from pome lover
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

you paint a very strong character, showing different sides of him with enchanting words and phrases. Also a very appropriate picture to accompany it. An enjoyable read.
Congratulations on your contest win and being recognized.
pome lover

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2017


reply by the author on 17-Nov-2017
    Thanks so much for the lovely review and comments! So happy that you enjoyed - it was a fun challenge to write! Have a wonderful day!
Comment from JennaG
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Oh wow! I can see why this won the contest! It's wonderful! I love how you capture both sides to winter, its domination and its beauty. Great use of personification and perfect picture to accompany your skillful wording! Really well done! Congratulations on your contest win! :)

 Comment Written 11-Nov-2017


reply by the author on 11-Nov-2017
    Hi, Jenna! Thank you so much for the beautiful review! It was really very challenging, but fun, piece to write... I'm so happy you enjoyed! Thank you again and have a great weekend!
Comment from Boogienights
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

This is a wonderful contest entry. You have captured both the good and bad essence of the winter season and made it come to life in the persona of an old man. Very strong entry, I think you will do very well,I wish you the best if luck.

 Comment Written 11-Nov-2017


reply by the author on 11-Nov-2017
    Hi, Boogie! Thank you so much for the wonderful review! It was a fun challenge and even surprised myself getting it completed within the few hours for submissions. Thank you again - am so happy that you enjoyed!
reply by Boogienights on 12-Nov-2017
reply by Boogienights on 12-Nov-2017
Comment from Sis Cat
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Oh, great! A contest winner! Congratulations. I feel honored to review it and am glad you posted it.

This is an excellent winter personification poem. I thought of Jack Frost and of Frosty the Snowman whose closing lines are

Mmm Frosty the snowman
Had to hurry on his way,
But he waved goodbye saying,
"Don't you cry,
I'll be back again some day."

This echo is found in yours:

With one last breath, a chill he'll blare
While Spring looms dancing in the air
"Goodnight, dear friends," he's heard to cheer
It's past my bedtime... til next year!"

I have been writing sonnets with meter lately, so I enjoyed the rhymes and meter of yours. They have a smooth, melodic flow like a Christmas carol. Furthermore, I enjoyed your vivid depiction of Old Man Winter. Your poem read like a storybook:

Yawning through the autumn breezes
Old Man Winter wakes with sneezes
Stretching wide his wings from rest
Another year's at his behest.

Also effective, is Old Man Winter's dialogue which brings the reader into his story:

"I'm here to rule this Winter Land
With brawn, controlled authority
I'll reign in true supremacy
And dominate in potent form
Through frigid cold, dynamic storm
And take to task the seasons mild
In strength, I'm nature's different child!"

All in all, Mimi, this is an exceptional poem and I can see why you earned a well-deserved win.

Thank you for sharing and congratulations once more.


 Comment Written 09-Nov-2017


reply by the author on 09-Nov-2017
    Hi, Sis! Thank you so very much for this great review and the wonderful comments about my "Old Man Winter!" He was fun to write about and so happy that you appreciated my interpretation! You mentioned recently writing sonnets. I had never written one until a few weeks ago when there was a sonnet contest that was available. I found that I really enjoyed creating in the Shakespearean style, too; however, had a great time working on the personification challenge! Again, thank you so very much for a wonderful review and am so happy that you enjoyed! Have a wonderful day!
Comment from royowen
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I can see where and why this one won the winter personification contest. The language and persona are perfect, the flow is excellent, the rhyming is sublime, and the ease to read out loud is superb. Well done, written in iambic pentameter,, and aa rhyming couplets, well done, blessings, Roy

 Comment Written 09-Nov-2017


reply by the author on 09-Nov-2017
    Hi, Roy! Thank you so very much for a lovely review and wonderful comments! It was quite a fun challenge for me to put together... I'm so very happy that you enjoyed! Have a wonderful day!
reply by royowen on 09-Nov-2017
    My pleasure
Comment from Mustangpatty1029
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Congratulations on your win for the Personification of Winter contest. Your entry was well done and certainly did a great job of bringing winter to life. Thank you for sharing,

~patty~

 Comment Written 09-Nov-2017


reply by the author on 09-Nov-2017
    Thanks, Patty! So glad you enjoyed. It was a fun challenge to put together! Thank you again for the great review! Have a wonderful day!