Lipstick Murders
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Horrid Beginning"Being wronged by her husband, Anna seeks revenge.
12 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This is a very educational screen pIay. I worked with abused women for over 30 years as an advocate. This line is so textbook:"And just where do you think you're going?" The audience will get more of your message by watching it actually played out before them. It will be right in their face his need to be in control. It brings out how sadistic and borderline, and narcissistic abusers. You have covered a lot which is addressed on my webpage. If you want to consult to at any time, feel free. There is an annoying ad page which comes up a couple of times before the desired page. But here is the original home page:
http://www.angelfire.com/vt/rcwn
Keep up the good work. Thank you
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
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This is a very educational screen pIay. I worked with abused women for over 30 years as an advocate. This line is so textbook:"And just where do you think you're going?" The audience will get more of your message by watching it actually played out before them. It will be right in their face his need to be in control. It brings out how sadistic and borderline, and narcissistic abusers. You have covered a lot which is addressed on my webpage. If you want to consult to at any time, feel free. There is an annoying ad page which comes up a couple of times before the desired page. But here is the original home page:
http://www.angelfire.com/vt/rcwn
Keep up the good work. Thank you
Comment Written 15-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for your fantastic review. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
An advocate for over thirty years, you must be a saint.
I've read a large portion of your web-page and plan to finish it soon. It's very interesting educational, I will definitely refer back to it when I revise the play. Make my play more educational, realistic.
Thank you again for such an excellent review, take care.
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Wow. I am so honored that you have taken such an interest in my website. Thank you.
Comment from Geeps
I'm intrigued and will continue reading to see what happens next. My only comment would be that Brad just seems like your stereotypical asshole husband/player, but then again this is the first chapter and if Anna is getting her revenge this early on, then it's probably not be important for him to be more complex.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2017
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I'm intrigued and will continue reading to see what happens next. My only comment would be that Brad just seems like your stereotypical asshole husband/player, but then again this is the first chapter and if Anna is getting her revenge this early on, then it's probably not be important for him to be more complex.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your review., and welcome. That was my rationale, do you think I should have made him a little more complex since he's the reason Anna is the way she is?
Thank you again for your review, I hope you continue reading the script, see what Anna has in store, Take care.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Misty
= I had some extra time tonight, so I did an in-depth r/r for you.
= As always, use or lose as you see fit. No disrespect intended.
= I enjoyed your story. Excellent accounting of Anna's upset, and Brad's anger over her ruining his plans.
= GOOD storytelling. (*<*)
=> Suggestion:
-1- I would set the scene in your opening by swapping the lines. Makes her statement more powerful from the get-go.
-1a- Also, when it comes to directives/actions/etc., put them in ITALICS. Set's them out right away as said directives/actions/etc.
-2- I would put you characters in BOLD font. WHY?: Gives more impact--defines the POV better.
-3- Also, for an overall sharper presentation, when you BOLD the character, then you don't need a space between the bold and the verbiage.
-4- Just need a space between character/verbiage.
=> Suggestion for more impact on these lines.
-YOURS-
-1- Give up my honey's are you out of your freaking mind?
-2- What about our love our marriage?
- SUGGEST -
-1- Give up my honey's? Are you out of your freaking mind?
-2- What about our love? Our marriage?
=> Upper-case: Mom [ ] delete ( ) add
-1 Unless it is in the -possessive form-// my mom ... your mom ... our mom ... etc.
- The only reason I married you was to get [m](M)om off my back.
=> Need comma
- So(,) I'm supposed to sit around this house
=> Suggestion:
-1- Here, I would put his action FIRST (Brad gestures across the room.).
-2- What is he gesturing to across the room?? Identify, person/place/thing. (Across) indicates -across the room- not a sweeping gesture to indicate the -whole- room.
-3- In this case, since I'm assuming the room, I would say something like, (He makes a sweeping gesture with his arm to encompass the room.).
=> Another FYI:
-1- When I told you to use ITALICS for setting scene/action, here is an alternative -2- Still put character's name in BOLD -but- the scene/action can go in parenthesis like you have them. However, you can either put them on the same line as the Ch/name, or beneath-without a space. - Anna (Tearful) -
-3- Typo correction: what/want ??
-4- Also, incorrect punctuation.
-YOURS- You what your damn sluts well then you can have them, I'm done.
-SUGGEST- You want your damn sluts? Well then, you can have them. I'm done!
=> Here, you have the action in the CORRECT spot/order, because you don't want to put the cart in front of the horse, so to speak. (*<*)
-1- HOWEVER: You need to elaborate a bit more than she storms toward the door. So, add this your sentence
- Anna storms (over to Brad, where he stands at) the front door.
=> You have this line beneath Brad--but Anna is the one mad and storming across the room--so, I'm thinking this is -her- action??? If so, you need to move it up to her paragraph.
- You're not going anywhere.
=> This sentence reads choppy.
-1- You want them to read smoothly--UNLESS-- it is an in-depth fight scene--say with gunfire--wrestling around--etc.
-YOURS-
Brad grabs a hold of her arm and slings her across the room. Her body crashes against a shelf. Books and other knickknacks fall around her
-SUGGEST-
Brad grabs a hold of her arm and slings her across the room, where her body crashes against a shelf, sending books and other knickknacks to scatter around her.
=> Here, pictures is a -BROAD TERM- so try more descriptive wording.
-YOURS-
Brad pictures his oldest brother Pete and how his wife took half of everything he had.
-SUGGEST-
A sudden thought occurred to Brad about his oldest brother, Pete, and how his wife took half of everything he had.
=> Need commas
-1- Remember ALWAYS use comma in a DIRECT ADDRESS.
-2- And most times after the name.
- You're not going anywhere, Anna, so deal with it.
=> A couple of things here.
-1- Saying Brad is -very angry- is not showing the reader much. Describe his anger so the read gets the picture YOU have in your mind. REMEMBER: You know all about your characters--feelings--actions. The reader does not.
-2- You have Brad -storming- out of the room. BUT, you described Anna as -storming across the room a few lines upward. SO, always use a synonym, such as:
Brad stomped -or- tromped, for instance.
Brad
(Very angry)
You don't want to know.
Brad storms out of the room.
=> A couple of things.
-1- Spacing issues. Anna's action should be up with: CUT TO. Put in italics or parenthesis.
-2- Then, you need to drop--Brad storming out of the room on HIS OWN action line.
-3- You used -STORMED- for the 3rd time. Try another synonym.
Anna
We'll just see about that. CUT TO
INT stairway at the mansion. Anna is crying as she's carrying a small suitcase down the stair. Brad storms into the room.
=> The same here, so it is more cohesive. Bring line up to: CUT TO
=> Add--but-- near the end of sentence.
GUN FIRE CUT TO
INT The mansion's dark damp basement. The walls and floor are cement. The room is completely empty except for the small cot that Anna is tied to. Anna slowly opens her eyes and looks around. She tries to get off of the bed, (BUT) the ties pull her back down.
=> Comma with direct address.
- Please(,) Brad, please give me another chance.
=>Incorrect punctuation.
-1- She's asking/answering her own question. Two complete sentences.
- So you can kill me when I'm sleeping[.] (? )I don't think so.
=> Need comma.
- I swear(,) I won't try anything like that again.
=> Brad's action needs to be in HIS paragraph.
=> Need to move your next line up to: CUT TO
Brad stops midway up the stairs and turns around.
Brad
=> You need to define this better since you have Brad's action and Anna's
-YOURS-
THE FLOOR CREEKS Brad turns around. Anna discovers the back door is padlocked.
Brad
-SUGGEST-
BRAD:
THE FLOOR CREEKS Brad turns around.
ANNA: (Anna discovers the back door is padlocked.)
=> You have the same POV issued here.
-1- You need to keep Brad in his paragraph.
-2- Breanna needs to have her own paragraph as well.
-SUGGEST-
BREANNA
(The mistress sits up and covers herself with her hands.)
Who is she, Brad?
=> Again--(Brad turns towards Breanna.) needs to be BELOW--Brad's action
Brad
I can explain.
=> Same action sequence needs to be moved. I will REWRITE this last few scenes as they should be, as per character/action.
-YOURS-------
Anna grabs a cast Iron skillet off the top of the stove.
Anna
Explain this, Brad.
Anna swings the pan smacking the back of Brad's head. He falls to the floor.
Breanna screams as she climbs off the table. Anna walks towards her.
Anna
This is for screwing my husband.
Anna swings the pan again. Breanna falls across the furniture.
-SUGGEST------
ANNA: (Anna grabs a cast Iron skillet off the top of the stove.)
Explain this, Brad.
(Anna swings the pan, smacking the back of Brad's head. He falls to the floor.)
BREANNA:
Breanna screams as she climbs off the table.
ANNA: (Anna walks towards her.)
This is for screwing my husband.
(Anna swings the pan again, CAUSING Breanna TO FALL across the furniture.)
----At the end, here, you want to identify WHAT piece of the furniture: COUCH ... CHAIR ... TABLE??
=> I suggest one slight edit to this last bit.<=
-1- Have Anna do something to end the scene with more impact.
-2- Something to remember. Since she was held captive for 3 months, you have to show her state of mind and disrepair after her rush of adrenaline is spent.
-SUGGEST-
(Anna walks to the front door, turns and glaces at her husband's dead mistress. Then she took one last look at Brad with a sad, yet menacing expression.)
Sleep well, darling.
(Her adrenaline fueled anger spent, and not thinking about her state of dress or disrepair, a wobbly Anna picked up the car keys Brad always threw onto the counter. After grabbing her purse off the hall-tree bench, she braces herself against the doorjamb. Then, with a surge of energy, she slams the door behind her. Without a backward glance, she seats herself in his Jaguar and speeds off into the night.)
FADE to black...
= Cheers, J
= Have a good day/evening!
(*>*) Remember--A Smile Is A Frown Upside Town (*<*)
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2017
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Hi, Misty
= I had some extra time tonight, so I did an in-depth r/r for you.
= As always, use or lose as you see fit. No disrespect intended.
= I enjoyed your story. Excellent accounting of Anna's upset, and Brad's anger over her ruining his plans.
= GOOD storytelling. (*<*)
=> Suggestion:
-1- I would set the scene in your opening by swapping the lines. Makes her statement more powerful from the get-go.
-1a- Also, when it comes to directives/actions/etc., put them in ITALICS. Set's them out right away as said directives/actions/etc.
-2- I would put you characters in BOLD font. WHY?: Gives more impact--defines the POV better.
-3- Also, for an overall sharper presentation, when you BOLD the character, then you don't need a space between the bold and the verbiage.
-4- Just need a space between character/verbiage.
=> Suggestion for more impact on these lines.
-YOURS-
-1- Give up my honey's are you out of your freaking mind?
-2- What about our love our marriage?
- SUGGEST -
-1- Give up my honey's? Are you out of your freaking mind?
-2- What about our love? Our marriage?
=> Upper-case: Mom [ ] delete ( ) add
-1 Unless it is in the -possessive form-// my mom ... your mom ... our mom ... etc.
- The only reason I married you was to get [m](M)om off my back.
=> Need comma
- So(,) I'm supposed to sit around this house
=> Suggestion:
-1- Here, I would put his action FIRST (Brad gestures across the room.).
-2- What is he gesturing to across the room?? Identify, person/place/thing. (Across) indicates -across the room- not a sweeping gesture to indicate the -whole- room.
-3- In this case, since I'm assuming the room, I would say something like, (He makes a sweeping gesture with his arm to encompass the room.).
=> Another FYI:
-1- When I told you to use ITALICS for setting scene/action, here is an alternative -2- Still put character's name in BOLD -but- the scene/action can go in parenthesis like you have them. However, you can either put them on the same line as the Ch/name, or beneath-without a space. - Anna (Tearful) -
-3- Typo correction: what/want ??
-4- Also, incorrect punctuation.
-YOURS- You what your damn sluts well then you can have them, I'm done.
-SUGGEST- You want your damn sluts? Well then, you can have them. I'm done!
=> Here, you have the action in the CORRECT spot/order, because you don't want to put the cart in front of the horse, so to speak. (*<*)
-1- HOWEVER: You need to elaborate a bit more than she storms toward the door. So, add this your sentence
- Anna storms (over to Brad, where he stands at) the front door.
=> You have this line beneath Brad--but Anna is the one mad and storming across the room--so, I'm thinking this is -her- action??? If so, you need to move it up to her paragraph.
- You're not going anywhere.
=> This sentence reads choppy.
-1- You want them to read smoothly--UNLESS-- it is an in-depth fight scene--say with gunfire--wrestling around--etc.
-YOURS-
Brad grabs a hold of her arm and slings her across the room. Her body crashes against a shelf. Books and other knickknacks fall around her
-SUGGEST-
Brad grabs a hold of her arm and slings her across the room, where her body crashes against a shelf, sending books and other knickknacks to scatter around her.
=> Here, pictures is a -BROAD TERM- so try more descriptive wording.
-YOURS-
Brad pictures his oldest brother Pete and how his wife took half of everything he had.
-SUGGEST-
A sudden thought occurred to Brad about his oldest brother, Pete, and how his wife took half of everything he had.
=> Need commas
-1- Remember ALWAYS use comma in a DIRECT ADDRESS.
-2- And most times after the name.
- You're not going anywhere, Anna, so deal with it.
=> A couple of things here.
-1- Saying Brad is -very angry- is not showing the reader much. Describe his anger so the read gets the picture YOU have in your mind. REMEMBER: You know all about your characters--feelings--actions. The reader does not.
-2- You have Brad -storming- out of the room. BUT, you described Anna as -storming across the room a few lines upward. SO, always use a synonym, such as:
Brad stomped -or- tromped, for instance.
Brad
(Very angry)
You don't want to know.
Brad storms out of the room.
=> A couple of things.
-1- Spacing issues. Anna's action should be up with: CUT TO. Put in italics or parenthesis.
-2- Then, you need to drop--Brad storming out of the room on HIS OWN action line.
-3- You used -STORMED- for the 3rd time. Try another synonym.
Anna
We'll just see about that. CUT TO
INT stairway at the mansion. Anna is crying as she's carrying a small suitcase down the stair. Brad storms into the room.
=> The same here, so it is more cohesive. Bring line up to: CUT TO
=> Add--but-- near the end of sentence.
GUN FIRE CUT TO
INT The mansion's dark damp basement. The walls and floor are cement. The room is completely empty except for the small cot that Anna is tied to. Anna slowly opens her eyes and looks around. She tries to get off of the bed, (BUT) the ties pull her back down.
=> Comma with direct address.
- Please(,) Brad, please give me another chance.
=>Incorrect punctuation.
-1- She's asking/answering her own question. Two complete sentences.
- So you can kill me when I'm sleeping[.] (? )I don't think so.
=> Need comma.
- I swear(,) I won't try anything like that again.
=> Brad's action needs to be in HIS paragraph.
=> Need to move your next line up to: CUT TO
Brad stops midway up the stairs and turns around.
Brad
=> You need to define this better since you have Brad's action and Anna's
-YOURS-
THE FLOOR CREEKS Brad turns around. Anna discovers the back door is padlocked.
Brad
-SUGGEST-
BRAD:
THE FLOOR CREEKS Brad turns around.
ANNA: (Anna discovers the back door is padlocked.)
=> You have the same POV issued here.
-1- You need to keep Brad in his paragraph.
-2- Breanna needs to have her own paragraph as well.
-SUGGEST-
BREANNA
(The mistress sits up and covers herself with her hands.)
Who is she, Brad?
=> Again--(Brad turns towards Breanna.) needs to be BELOW--Brad's action
Brad
I can explain.
=> Same action sequence needs to be moved. I will REWRITE this last few scenes as they should be, as per character/action.
-YOURS-------
Anna grabs a cast Iron skillet off the top of the stove.
Anna
Explain this, Brad.
Anna swings the pan smacking the back of Brad's head. He falls to the floor.
Breanna screams as she climbs off the table. Anna walks towards her.
Anna
This is for screwing my husband.
Anna swings the pan again. Breanna falls across the furniture.
-SUGGEST------
ANNA: (Anna grabs a cast Iron skillet off the top of the stove.)
Explain this, Brad.
(Anna swings the pan, smacking the back of Brad's head. He falls to the floor.)
BREANNA:
Breanna screams as she climbs off the table.
ANNA: (Anna walks towards her.)
This is for screwing my husband.
(Anna swings the pan again, CAUSING Breanna TO FALL across the furniture.)
----At the end, here, you want to identify WHAT piece of the furniture: COUCH ... CHAIR ... TABLE??
=> I suggest one slight edit to this last bit.<=
-1- Have Anna do something to end the scene with more impact.
-2- Something to remember. Since she was held captive for 3 months, you have to show her state of mind and disrepair after her rush of adrenaline is spent.
-SUGGEST-
(Anna walks to the front door, turns and glaces at her husband's dead mistress. Then she took one last look at Brad with a sad, yet menacing expression.)
Sleep well, darling.
(Her adrenaline fueled anger spent, and not thinking about her state of dress or disrepair, a wobbly Anna picked up the car keys Brad always threw onto the counter. After grabbing her purse off the hall-tree bench, she braces herself against the doorjamb. Then, with a surge of energy, she slams the door behind her. Without a backward glance, she seats herself in his Jaguar and speeds off into the night.)
FADE to black...
= Cheers, J
= Have a good day/evening!
(*>*) Remember--A Smile Is A Frown Upside Town (*<*)
Comment Written 05-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2017
-
Thank you so much for your very helpful, extensive review. Your help is always greatly appreciated. It's how I learn, grow as a writer. Than you again for all your help, and support, I appreciate it more than you know, take care.
-
= You are very welcome.
= Always like to pay it back and pass on what I've learned. (*<*)
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
Wow! Not to sound creepy, but this is right up my street. So true to life (in the world of a serial killer) amazingly things like this do and can go on for years without anyone knowing or anyone being any the wiser. I have an obsession with the psychology of serial killers- not the gore but how they could do it. But in a situation like that, I'd stab a bitch to get out of that house (pardon my language!) You have done a brilliant job i want to read more of your work so I am fanning you more like this please you have a talent for it. The co-dependence and everything was right on the money. Kind regards Meia xx
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
|
Wow! Not to sound creepy, but this is right up my street. So true to life (in the world of a serial killer) amazingly things like this do and can go on for years without anyone knowing or anyone being any the wiser. I have an obsession with the psychology of serial killers- not the gore but how they could do it. But in a situation like that, I'd stab a bitch to get out of that house (pardon my language!) You have done a brilliant job i want to read more of your work so I am fanning you more like this please you have a talent for it. The co-dependence and everything was right on the money. Kind regards Meia xx
Comment Written 05-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your fantastic review, and for the fanning, I'm very honored that you like my work so much. I too find serial killers interesting more for the why. Why did they do it, what made them this way or were they born with screwy wiring? Thank you so much for a fantastic review and for becoming my fan, I do hope I don't disappoint, take care.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A chilling write and there are few who would carry out this, but never get away with it, we always pay for our crimes, good dialogue, keep writing, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
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A chilling write and there are few who would carry out this, but never get away with it, we always pay for our crimes, good dialogue, keep writing, love Dolly x
Comment Written 05-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for such a great review I am so glad you like it and hope you'll follow the story, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
It may be a good idea to categorise this one as an actual script.
to our Marriage? - don't think you need the capitalisation here.
You knew that I'm a ladies man - ladies'.
Anna gasps- put this in italics and needs end punctuation.
Brad storms out of the room.- italics needed.
We'll just see about that. CUT TO - put CUT TO on next line.
Anna raises up a small gun - italics.
Anna cocks the gun- and again here.
Brad step towards her. Anna squeezes the trigger - end punctuation needed.
Laughing, Brad walks up the stairs - italics.
Brad stops midway up the stairs and turns around. - italics.
It's time you learned your place around here. CUT TO - CUT TO on next line.
Brad turns towards Breanna.- italics.
You've got the formatting right, just consistency in presentation here. You've also done a great job with the directions. They should be terse and direct which you've accomplished.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
|
Hi there,
It may be a good idea to categorise this one as an actual script.
to our Marriage? - don't think you need the capitalisation here.
You knew that I'm a ladies man - ladies'.
Anna gasps- put this in italics and needs end punctuation.
Brad storms out of the room.- italics needed.
We'll just see about that. CUT TO - put CUT TO on next line.
Anna raises up a small gun - italics.
Anna cocks the gun- and again here.
Brad step towards her. Anna squeezes the trigger - end punctuation needed.
Laughing, Brad walks up the stairs - italics.
Brad stops midway up the stairs and turns around. - italics.
It's time you learned your place around here. CUT TO - CUT TO on next line.
Brad turns towards Breanna.- italics.
You've got the formatting right, just consistency in presentation here. You've also done a great job with the directions. They should be terse and direct which you've accomplished.
All the best
G
Comment Written 05-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
-
Thank you so much for your review and helpful suggestions. This started out in script format, not exactly sure what happened. How can I get it back where it belongs?
Thank you again for your nice review and continuous support they're always greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from apky
I'm afraid I'm not much of a script writer. But knowing your writing, I'd say this is excellent. I only can't help with whatever skills needed because I'm not acquainted with them.
You're not going anywhere(,) Anna(,) so deal with it.
You don't have much choice now(,) do you.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
|
I'm afraid I'm not much of a script writer. But knowing your writing, I'd say this is excellent. I only can't help with whatever skills needed because I'm not acquainted with them.
You're not going anywhere(,) Anna(,) so deal with it.
You don't have much choice now(,) do you.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
-
Thank you for your encouraging words. I'm still learning skills myself and have a long way to go. Catching my grammar issues is a huge help and is always greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I do like it. Exciting stuff. You really should promote it so more will read it and give you the input you need with a new project. I don't write scripts, but it works fine for me.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
|
I do like it. Exciting stuff. You really should promote it so more will read it and give you the input you need with a new project. I don't write scripts, but it works fine for me.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
-
Thank you for your great review. I thought I'd try scriptwriting since my work tends to be dialogue, action heavy. Now I'm finding that I write to much description for scripts, grrr... lol.
Thanks again for your nice review and continuous support, take care.
Comment from Natali Holden
First of all, I LOVE the title of this script, 'Lipstick Murders'. If it was a regular book, and I saw it in a bookstore I'd pick it up and read the back, then depending on that I might buy it. If it ever gets made into a movie, I might go and watch it due to the amazing title. The plot so far is excellent.
A few mistakes:
'INT Beautiful Mans(i)on on Williams Drive Summit NJ.'
'Anna holds his shirt up. It (had) lipstick smears on the collar and smells like cheap perfume.' Should be has. Make sure you stay in present tense. Also I love this part, lipstick smears, it seems like it will have a part due to the title as well.
'You knew that I'm a ladies man before you married me. So don't give (me) this sappy crying bullshit now.'
'Give up my honey(')s are you out of your freaking mind?' Doesn't need apostrophe.
'You (what) your damn sluts well then you can have them, I'm done.' Should this be want?
'(Studdering)' should be stuttering.
And a few tips about scripts:
When you say where they are and who is going to be talking it should be bolded and in ALL CAPS. Also where they are, after saying INT. or EXT. it needs a period after it. Then you write where, dash - time of day (morning, night, etc.) when they are actually talking you can leave it normal. When they are doing something or you are describing it should be in italics such as here: 'Anna swings the pan smacking the back of Brad's head. He falls to the floor.' That's how I learned to do scripts at least.
Other than that, it was awesome! I think you're going to be a talented script writer, like how you already are with novels. Fabulous first script! Good luck with the rest of this script! Keep up the good work! Can't wait for more!
All the best,
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2017
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First of all, I LOVE the title of this script, 'Lipstick Murders'. If it was a regular book, and I saw it in a bookstore I'd pick it up and read the back, then depending on that I might buy it. If it ever gets made into a movie, I might go and watch it due to the amazing title. The plot so far is excellent.
A few mistakes:
'INT Beautiful Mans(i)on on Williams Drive Summit NJ.'
'Anna holds his shirt up. It (had) lipstick smears on the collar and smells like cheap perfume.' Should be has. Make sure you stay in present tense. Also I love this part, lipstick smears, it seems like it will have a part due to the title as well.
'You knew that I'm a ladies man before you married me. So don't give (me) this sappy crying bullshit now.'
'Give up my honey(')s are you out of your freaking mind?' Doesn't need apostrophe.
'You (what) your damn sluts well then you can have them, I'm done.' Should this be want?
'(Studdering)' should be stuttering.
And a few tips about scripts:
When you say where they are and who is going to be talking it should be bolded and in ALL CAPS. Also where they are, after saying INT. or EXT. it needs a period after it. Then you write where, dash - time of day (morning, night, etc.) when they are actually talking you can leave it normal. When they are doing something or you are describing it should be in italics such as here: 'Anna swings the pan smacking the back of Brad's head. He falls to the floor.' That's how I learned to do scripts at least.
Other than that, it was awesome! I think you're going to be a talented script writer, like how you already are with novels. Fabulous first script! Good luck with the rest of this script! Keep up the good work! Can't wait for more!
All the best,
Natali ;)
Comment Written 04-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for such a helpful review, and your wonderful encouragement. They both mean so much to me. I know that I'll refer to your review, often until I get the hang of the formatting.
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That's much better! I changed it to 5 stars. Excellent work! Keep it up!
Natali ;)
Comment from Possummagic
Well it held my attention from beginning to end.. it is sequencally correct and I can find no grammatical errors. It flows well. The conversation could be a bit more descriptive but for a fist go I'd say you did really well. Good luck. PM
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2017
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Well it held my attention from beginning to end.. it is sequencally correct and I can find no grammatical errors. It flows well. The conversation could be a bit more descriptive but for a fist go I'd say you did really well. Good luck. PM
Comment Written 04-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review, I am so glad you liked it. This is my first attempt at a script, and I was really worried.
Than you again for your great review, it means a lot to me, take care.
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You?re very welcome. Keep writing. PM
