Collateral Damage
Lives changed forever.5 total reviews
Comment from F. Wehr3
I thought you did a good job with this story, although it's depressing at the end. I would have liked it if you provided the actual prompt you were given. Overall, it's well written. I did find a couple of things for your consideration.
"Thanks Mom. I'm going to take a Xanex and go to bed. My nerves are shot. Come give me kisses Mia. You too Bobby." --You did this correctly through most of the story, but each time you address someone directly, place a comma in front of their name. Comma before Mom, Mia, and Bobby.
"Good night Mommy." --Comma before Mommy
"Good night angels." --Same as above, even if it's a pet name. Comma before angels.
I did have one question is Bobby a girl? If not, look at the conversation between Jen and her husband.
Good luck in the contest,
Russell
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I thought you did a good job with this story, although it's depressing at the end. I would have liked it if you provided the actual prompt you were given. Overall, it's well written. I did find a couple of things for your consideration.
"Thanks Mom. I'm going to take a Xanex and go to bed. My nerves are shot. Come give me kisses Mia. You too Bobby." --You did this correctly through most of the story, but each time you address someone directly, place a comma in front of their name. Comma before Mom, Mia, and Bobby.
"Good night Mommy." --Comma before Mommy
"Good night angels." --Same as above, even if it's a pet name. Comma before angels.
I did have one question is Bobby a girl? If not, look at the conversation between Jen and her husband.
Good luck in the contest,
Russell
Comment Written 04-Nov-2017
Comment from kiwigirl2821
What a sad story and a good ending. It's so hard not knowing what's going on when you have a loved one in the service. I appreciated the story and your characters. Good luck. This one gets my vote. xoxo Kiwi
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What a sad story and a good ending. It's so hard not knowing what's going on when you have a loved one in the service. I appreciated the story and your characters. Good luck. This one gets my vote. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 03-Nov-2017
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A very sad tale and sometimes this happens and the children grow up in the good company of their grandparents, thank goodness for them. Your story was interesting and well written, love Dolly x
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A very sad tale and sometimes this happens and the children grow up in the good company of their grandparents, thank goodness for them. Your story was interesting and well written, love Dolly x
Comment Written 02-Nov-2017
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Great job with this. I have to say as well that you had a lot less time than everyone else to prep for this. Impressive. So not the direction I would have gone with this, but that's why I love these kind of competitions. lol
What's happening, You're scaring me - should be a question mark in here.
Jenny broke down, crying hysterically - the change in perspective here is quite abrupt. We start with the husband but switch to her.
Bobby 8 years old - insert comma after Bobby s you do for Mia.
about you or the kid's right now - just a plural here for kids, no apostrophe needed.
to which grandpa motioned - Grandpa.
Mom just hugged me. - slip into first person narrative here from third. (should be her)
All the best
G
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Hi there,
Great job with this. I have to say as well that you had a lot less time than everyone else to prep for this. Impressive. So not the direction I would have gone with this, but that's why I love these kind of competitions. lol
What's happening, You're scaring me - should be a question mark in here.
Jenny broke down, crying hysterically - the change in perspective here is quite abrupt. We start with the husband but switch to her.
Bobby 8 years old - insert comma after Bobby s you do for Mia.
about you or the kid's right now - just a plural here for kids, no apostrophe needed.
to which grandpa motioned - Grandpa.
Mom just hugged me. - slip into first person narrative here from third. (should be her)
All the best
G
Comment Written 02-Nov-2017
Comment from kahpot
What an excellent read and story, captivating from the start and unfortunately ( though brilliantly) leaving a sad ending this was very well written, good luck in your competition****kahpot
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What an excellent read and story, captivating from the start and unfortunately ( though brilliantly) leaving a sad ending this was very well written, good luck in your competition****kahpot
Comment Written 01-Nov-2017
