Fitness Center
Mitchell has a problem with a member.34 total reviews
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written opening lines to this story at the fitness centre where two very different people meet and it seems they set off on the wrong foot and going to be enemies.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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A very well-written opening lines to this story at the fitness centre where two very different people meet and it seems they set off on the wrong foot and going to be enemies.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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Thanks for reading, Sandra.
Philip
Comment from doggymad
Hi Phillip, this is a good flash fiction work but it is a bit weak.
The body builder would not dart off. He might take a step backwards or hold his hands up and say something like "sorry buddy, just kidding."
hugs
Freda
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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Hi Phillip, this is a good flash fiction work but it is a bit weak.
The body builder would not dart off. He might take a step backwards or hold his hands up and say something like "sorry buddy, just kidding."
hugs
Freda
Comment Written 27-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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I'm happy to hear from you, Freda. Yeah, I like that reaction very much and it sounds more of a natural reaction, but I kinda had something else in mind just in case the story goes further. For me, the reaction made a better fit. Thanks, Freda for the suggestion.
Phillip
Comment from StanNJ
Clearly-described scene. Someone's bark is worse than the other's bite it seems.
Nice job on your slice of life short story.
I enjoy writing them too.
Stan
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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Clearly-described scene. Someone's bark is worse than the other's bite it seems.
Nice job on your slice of life short story.
I enjoy writing them too.
Stan
Comment Written 27-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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Thanks for reading, StanNJ.
Phillip
Comment from Bichon
I enjoyed the story very much, until I got to the ending. I understand that you don't have much space to add a lot of detail, but the ending just didn't feel right in my opinion.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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I enjoyed the story very much, until I got to the ending. I understand that you don't have much space to add a lot of detail, but the ending just didn't feel right in my opinion.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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Thanks, for reading, Bichon.
Phillip
Comment from MJ McIntire
Mitchell is the stronger more confident character in this story. He was not threatened by the size of baldy or his comments.
Seems that baldy lacks confidence and uses his size to bully and Mitchell was not going to have any of that.
MJ
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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Mitchell is the stronger more confident character in this story. He was not threatened by the size of baldy or his comments.
Seems that baldy lacks confidence and uses his size to bully and Mitchell was not going to have any of that.
MJ
Comment Written 26-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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Thanks for reading, MJ Mcintire.
Phillip
Comment from Spitfire
LOL. It's all in the hair. Reminds me of the Bible story of Samson and Delilah.
Spags:
As he dismounted the stationary bike breathing heavily, the bodybuilder stared as he passed by.
(sounds as if the bike is breathing heavily)
Breathing heavily, he dismounted the stationary bike. The bodybuilder stared as he passed by.
the bodybuilder stared as he passed by.
(You repeated a word that could be expressed otherwise, e.g. the muscle-bound ape)
"stare" isn't strong enough to take offense at. Maybe "spit".
Sweat slid down his neck, side, and back as his feet pounded the floor of the machine, he took a swig of water from the bottle in the cup holder.
Excellent description, but use a period rather than a comma after machine. Capitalize He for the start of a new sentence.
Note repetition of work in the next paragraph and 'treadmill' in the one following that. Best to find synonyms or use pronouns.
Mitchell flipped his head back, he ran his hand through his hair and barked,
Great action and verb choices.
" Back off dirtbag." You need a comma after off.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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LOL. It's all in the hair. Reminds me of the Bible story of Samson and Delilah.
Spags:
As he dismounted the stationary bike breathing heavily, the bodybuilder stared as he passed by.
(sounds as if the bike is breathing heavily)
Breathing heavily, he dismounted the stationary bike. The bodybuilder stared as he passed by.
the bodybuilder stared as he passed by.
(You repeated a word that could be expressed otherwise, e.g. the muscle-bound ape)
"stare" isn't strong enough to take offense at. Maybe "spit".
Sweat slid down his neck, side, and back as his feet pounded the floor of the machine, he took a swig of water from the bottle in the cup holder.
Excellent description, but use a period rather than a comma after machine. Capitalize He for the start of a new sentence.
Note repetition of work in the next paragraph and 'treadmill' in the one following that. Best to find synonyms or use pronouns.
Mitchell flipped his head back, he ran his hand through his hair and barked,
Great action and verb choices.
" Back off dirtbag." You need a comma after off.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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Wow. Ok. I will get on this now. Thanks, Spitfire.
Phillp
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, PBOMAR1115
= Very good story, with challenge done well.
= Nowadays, it doesn't pay to get riled at anyone--just never know how they will respond.
= Well penned story.
Cheers, J (*<*)
= A Smile Is A Frown Upside Town =
Have a good day/evening!
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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Hi, PBOMAR1115
= Very good story, with challenge done well.
= Nowadays, it doesn't pay to get riled at anyone--just never know how they will respond.
= Well penned story.
Cheers, J (*<*)
= A Smile Is A Frown Upside Town =
Have a good day/evening!
Comment Written 26-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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Thanks for the compliment, Jacqueline.
Phillip
Comment from teols2016
Very interesting. You'll definetly have to follow this up with more. Will the brute return? Perhaps with backup? Well done and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2017
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Very interesting. You'll definetly have to follow this up with more. Will the brute return? Perhaps with backup? Well done and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2017
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If this contest ends on this opening, I will consider the middle and end because I do have ideas. But, I am thrilled you are interested, teois2016. Your interest is encouraging.
Phillip
Comment from Sharon Haiste
Interesting. I did not see that end coming.
There could have been a little more to this story, I think. Maybe tell why the squabble started. What did the bald guy have against Mitchell.
A little more would be nice.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2017
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Interesting. I did not see that end coming.
There could have been a little more to this story, I think. Maybe tell why the squabble started. What did the bald guy have against Mitchell.
A little more would be nice.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2017
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Sharon, the contest required a story grabber, an opening, something to get the reader interested. I have a middle and end in mind. So, I wish you reconsider my rating because this is a great opening. Don't you think?
Phillip
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You're right. It is a good beginning. I hope to be able to read the rest.
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I might feel the same toward writing the middle and end as you do about the rating. Thanks, Sharon. I think the answer is clear to me now.
Comment from Fridayauthor
This is an interesting short piece that makes you wonder about both of the characters in this setting. What makes the bodybuilder so antagonistic to someone he has no connection with or argument?
I guess some bullies just have to seek out a victim.
Nicely done.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2017
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This is an interesting short piece that makes you wonder about both of the characters in this setting. What makes the bodybuilder so antagonistic to someone he has no connection with or argument?
I guess some bullies just have to seek out a victim.
Nicely done.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2017
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Bullies have their reasons. I was asked to write a 150 words opening. Possibly, I will add the middle and end in the future. Thanks, for reading, Fridayauthor.
Phillip
