Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Out of Options"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
6 total reviews
Comment from apky
A great write, Misty.
I feel so sorry for Katelyn, and so proud of Madeline.
Below are some suggestions.
After hours of brutal interrogation, the police let Katelyn go. Grabbing her backpack from alongside the dumpster, she slowly trudges down the street. My worst nightmare came true after all. ~ should there be a line break here?
Katelyn(should Katelyn really be in italics here?) remembers the sexual(something missing here; the sexual WHAT?) she had to perform on that creep.
"Very interested," he says, grabbing his hardness(,) he continues(,)(delete-.) "I haven't had a pretty girl like you in a long while."
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2017
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A great write, Misty.
I feel so sorry for Katelyn, and so proud of Madeline.
Below are some suggestions.
After hours of brutal interrogation, the police let Katelyn go. Grabbing her backpack from alongside the dumpster, she slowly trudges down the street. My worst nightmare came true after all. ~ should there be a line break here?
Katelyn(should Katelyn really be in italics here?) remembers the sexual(something missing here; the sexual WHAT?) she had to perform on that creep.
"Very interested," he says, grabbing his hardness(,) he continues(,)(delete-.) "I haven't had a pretty girl like you in a long while."
Comment Written 17-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2017
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Thank you, for your wonderful review. Katelyn doesn't seem to get a break that' for sure. I figured you'd like the part about Madeline standing up for herself ( it's about time) Don't worry Stan is going to get a lot more, lol.
Thank you again for your nice review and your continues support take care.
Remember I was telling you about taking a scriptwriting class? I'm turning Edgar Allen Poe's Tale-Tell heart into a play.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Great ending... love how she punches him and the shelf falls on his head.
Poor Katelyn, grabbed and raped on top of everything else she's been thru. The accident may have saved her life. Those guys probably would have killed her when they were done with her.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2017
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Great ending... love how she punches him and the shelf falls on his head.
Poor Katelyn, grabbed and raped on top of everything else she's been thru. The accident may have saved her life. Those guys probably would have killed her when they were done with her.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your nice review. I figured you'd enjoy the double whammy on Stan, lol, the ass deserved it. Don't worry he has more coming to him, lol.
Your right the accident saved her from those horrid men.
Thank you again for your kind review and for your continued support, take care.
Comment from Bob Stanton
I enjoyed the overall thread and think it has a lot of potential. A couple of minor points if I may.
1. You don't have to spoon-feed the reader. If you paint the picture well enough the reader can read between the lines and enjoys doing it. For example: "Joe strategically plans his next move." was unnecessary. You have already set the scene and the reader knows his intention.
2. You have a habit of repeating a sentence opening too soon after you have just used it. Find an alternative way of saying the same thing. I think you would pick that up if you edited more severely. (As recommended by Stephen King in his book on writing.) For example: you used "She..." as an opener a lot when you pick up on Katelyn's story. You could replace "She then notices the cheerful ice-cream parlor alongside it. She soon recalls ..." with "Noticing the cheerful ice-cream parlor alonside it she recalls..."
Hope this helps.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2017
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I enjoyed the overall thread and think it has a lot of potential. A couple of minor points if I may.
1. You don't have to spoon-feed the reader. If you paint the picture well enough the reader can read between the lines and enjoys doing it. For example: "Joe strategically plans his next move." was unnecessary. You have already set the scene and the reader knows his intention.
2. You have a habit of repeating a sentence opening too soon after you have just used it. Find an alternative way of saying the same thing. I think you would pick that up if you edited more severely. (As recommended by Stephen King in his book on writing.) For example: you used "She..." as an opener a lot when you pick up on Katelyn's story. You could replace "She then notices the cheerful ice-cream parlor alongside it. She soon recalls ..." with "Noticing the cheerful ice-cream parlor alonside it she recalls..."
Hope this helps.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your helpful review. I've re-edited the Katelyn part like you suggested and I will start editing a little stricter, specifically looking for repetitions.
Thank you again for your kind review. It's reviewers like you that help me learn, grow as a writer, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A lot going on with each character in this instalment and each is handled well and given time to breath.
"Not this time," Joe says, circling around him. Like a lion circling his prey waiting for the right time to strike. - is this really Joe's thoughts. feels out to me. I think this should be part of the general narrative.
Also you use circle variants three times here in close succession - circling around him. Like a lion circling his prey waiting for the right time to strike. He circles around.
Nice scene with the pseudo interrogation.
"What am I going to do," she cries - should probably have a question mark here.
"Oh, why can't I get a break, why," she sobs - maybe a ? here too.
"Yes." She sees her normally steady hands are trembling uncontrollably - if she's that worked up, she's probably not going to notice this.
Coats and other goodies fall on top of him - goodies feels out of place here. Coats would be enough.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2017
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Hi there,
A lot going on with each character in this instalment and each is handled well and given time to breath.
"Not this time," Joe says, circling around him. Like a lion circling his prey waiting for the right time to strike. - is this really Joe's thoughts. feels out to me. I think this should be part of the general narrative.
Also you use circle variants three times here in close succession - circling around him. Like a lion circling his prey waiting for the right time to strike. He circles around.
Nice scene with the pseudo interrogation.
"What am I going to do," she cries - should probably have a question mark here.
"Oh, why can't I get a break, why," she sobs - maybe a ? here too.
"Yes." She sees her normally steady hands are trembling uncontrollably - if she's that worked up, she's probably not going to notice this.
Coats and other goodies fall on top of him - goodies feels out of place here. Coats would be enough.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your kind, always helpful review and your encouraging words. Your help and continuous support mean a great deal to me, take care.
Comment from Natali Holden
I seriously hope Katelyn is okay. Now, since she was in a car accident and Bart along with his buddies were in the same car, I don't hope they were okay, hopefully they don't get the chance to do anything like that again. I saw a couple of mistakes:
"Joe anxiously walks towards the interrogation room. He's been waiting for years to get a crack at Carlo(')s and today is his lucky day. " take out apostrophe
"'Esposito, (O)h no, I ain't telling you'" needs to be lowercased
I enjoyed! Good work! Keep it up!
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2017
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I seriously hope Katelyn is okay. Now, since she was in a car accident and Bart along with his buddies were in the same car, I don't hope they were okay, hopefully they don't get the chance to do anything like that again. I saw a couple of mistakes:
"Joe anxiously walks towards the interrogation room. He's been waiting for years to get a crack at Carlo(')s and today is his lucky day. " take out apostrophe
"'Esposito, (O)h no, I ain't telling you'" needs to be lowercased
I enjoyed! Good work! Keep it up!
Natali ;)
Comment Written 16-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your helpful review. thanks for catching my mistakes. I went back and changed what you suggested thanks again for your help and all your support, take care.
Comment from hvysmker
He can see Carlos' fear, feel the tension rise the longer he
*** Carlos's in US? Carlos' would be correct in "the Carlos' family." Multiples.
"Not this time," he says,
*** Since Carlos is still the suject, you need "the captain or Joe says" to change it to Joe.
We'll just see about that. Joe lays bloody photographs down in front of him.
*** That implies the photos themselves are bloody.
"What about the rest of your family?" Joe lays pictures of his relatives on top of the horrifying photos.
*** pictures of Joe's relatives? Change the subject again to Carlos.
My worst nightmare came true, after all, I've been through,
*** I'd take out that last comma?
What am I going to do, she cries, glancing at the desolate street ahead.
*** If she's crying out loud, use quotation marks. If not, split the sentence after "going to do." As is, it sounds like she's crying out loud.
Katelyn sees three sloven looking characters residing inside.
*** slovenly-looking?
I've got to get help before I bleed to death.
*** Ha-ha. No rest for that gal.
She looks over to see a gentleman at the table.
*** Some "gentleman".
The ropes pull her back on the bed.
*** More extraneous "the"s. onto the bed.
Stan soon realizes that his tactics only increases her passion
*** increase
"This is probably all a plow,
*** Do you mean "ploy"?
"Yeah, well, we have a business dinner in half an hour, so get ready."
*** Jeez!
"That was over 10 years ago besides, she's served her time for that."
*** Split the sentence after "ago"?
"I don't care. That little bitch wrecked our lives when she was younger and I'll be damned if she'll ruin my chance for a promotion too."
*** Considering the circumstances, I tend to agree with him. The girl keeps getting into trouble. I might have disowned her, too.
Too many "the"s. You must have been in a hurry with this post.
Charlie
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2017
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He can see Carlos' fear, feel the tension rise the longer he
*** Carlos's in US? Carlos' would be correct in "the Carlos' family." Multiples.
"Not this time," he says,
*** Since Carlos is still the suject, you need "the captain or Joe says" to change it to Joe.
We'll just see about that. Joe lays bloody photographs down in front of him.
*** That implies the photos themselves are bloody.
"What about the rest of your family?" Joe lays pictures of his relatives on top of the horrifying photos.
*** pictures of Joe's relatives? Change the subject again to Carlos.
My worst nightmare came true, after all, I've been through,
*** I'd take out that last comma?
What am I going to do, she cries, glancing at the desolate street ahead.
*** If she's crying out loud, use quotation marks. If not, split the sentence after "going to do." As is, it sounds like she's crying out loud.
Katelyn sees three sloven looking characters residing inside.
*** slovenly-looking?
I've got to get help before I bleed to death.
*** Ha-ha. No rest for that gal.
She looks over to see a gentleman at the table.
*** Some "gentleman".
The ropes pull her back on the bed.
*** More extraneous "the"s. onto the bed.
Stan soon realizes that his tactics only increases her passion
*** increase
"This is probably all a plow,
*** Do you mean "ploy"?
"Yeah, well, we have a business dinner in half an hour, so get ready."
*** Jeez!
"That was over 10 years ago besides, she's served her time for that."
*** Split the sentence after "ago"?
"I don't care. That little bitch wrecked our lives when she was younger and I'll be damned if she'll ruin my chance for a promotion too."
*** Considering the circumstances, I tend to agree with him. The girl keeps getting into trouble. I might have disowned her, too.
Too many "the"s. You must have been in a hurry with this post.
Charlie
Comment Written 16-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your helpful review, I was in a big hurry trying to get it finished and this ten-page script and another 3-page script and two more classes. I think I've bitten off a lot more than I can chew. This is why I've been reviewing at night. Thinking maybe posting here once a week instead of twice might help. We'll see.
Carlos is his name so showing possession wouldn't it be Carlos' because it ends in an s?
Thanks again for all your help and support it means a lot to me.
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No on the Carlos'. That signifies more than one Carlos. I'm not 100% certain, though, so you should probably look it up.
If you do and I'm wrong, let me know.
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Ok this is what I found out, singular words ending in s some do s' but most do 's then it went on to say write as you would say it, jones's goodness' the sight is http://data.grammarbook.com/blog/apostrophes/apostrophes-with-words-ending-in-s/
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Yes but Jones's is singular and his goodness' is plural like I said and not possessive.
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Darn you, now I'm confused again. guess I'm going back to the site.
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I wanted to let you know I did read your story yesterday, but you were talking about stuff that's so above my head I stopped mid-way through.
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He-he. I warned you in the explanation that it was heavy reading.
