Pavane for a Grandchild
A pure and simple love!9 total reviews
Comment from Irish Rain
I SO regret that I just gave out my last '6' star. This is so deserving. It IS whimsical, it is light and frothy and magical. I LOVE it!! Blessings...
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
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I SO regret that I just gave out my last '6' star. This is so deserving. It IS whimsical, it is light and frothy and magical. I LOVE it!! Blessings...
Comment Written 02-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
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Oh ... thank you so much! Your words mean just as much (if not more) to me as a six-star rating. I hope my precious granddaughter loves it as much as you do!
Blessings, Analie
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It's just beautiful!!
Comment from patcelaw
I think this is a wonderfully worded poem of love a grandparent feel for their grandchildren. You have painted beautiful word pictures of the birds, the rain, little foxes, stars and so much more. You have in my mind achieved your goal. Patricia
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
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I think this is a wonderfully worded poem of love a grandparent feel for their grandchildren. You have painted beautiful word pictures of the birds, the rain, little foxes, stars and so much more. You have in my mind achieved your goal. Patricia
Comment Written 02-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much! Your opinion and feedback mean a lot to me! Blessings, Analie
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks a gentle, mild and gracious love relationship between a grandparent and grandchild to grow, keep relation formally informal with natural needful attachments; I liked.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
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This speaks a gentle, mild and gracious love relationship between a grandparent and grandchild to grow, keep relation formally informal with natural needful attachments; I liked.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
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Thank you for this lovely review. Blessings, Analie
Comment from marybell1
I enjoyed reading your poem "Pavane for a Grandchild". Your idea was beautiful to match your photo. Your rhyming was good most of the time. If you wish to continue in this format verses - five and seven will have to be reviewed.
All the best.
Marybell1.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
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I enjoyed reading your poem "Pavane for a Grandchild". Your idea was beautiful to match your photo. Your rhyming was good most of the time. If you wish to continue in this format verses - five and seven will have to be reviewed.
All the best.
Marybell1.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for this review. Blessings, Analie
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You are most welcome.
Marybell1.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written heartfelt and truthful poem about how most grandmothers feel about their grandchildren. They are precious little angels and need to be cared for at all times.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
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A very well-written heartfelt and truthful poem about how most grandmothers feel about their grandchildren. They are precious little angels and need to be cared for at all times.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
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Yes, they are indeed precious little angels ... and bring so much joy! Thank you for this review. Blessings, Analie
Comment from Mitchell Brontė
Hi Analie
I really did love this and the bond between grandparent and grandchild is evident within the beautiful imagery written.
It does sound smooth when read out loud but if I'm picky ( which is a bit rich coming from me) your punctuation could be changed slightly ....
Forever, I'll hold you (add ,)
Consider removing commas where the next line begins with...and
vigil.....no capital
Also I think.....a soft spotted fawn......the next line would sound better with an additional word e.g.: goes wandering by or just wandering by.........
The lines ....the hours creeping on
and
till soft comes the dawn.......don't rhyme so well
maybe consider changing to something like .....as the hours creep till morn
but as I say it sounds and reads pretty well the way it is, a few little tweeks and it would be that little bit better.
Mitchell
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
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Hi Analie
I really did love this and the bond between grandparent and grandchild is evident within the beautiful imagery written.
It does sound smooth when read out loud but if I'm picky ( which is a bit rich coming from me) your punctuation could be changed slightly ....
Forever, I'll hold you (add ,)
Consider removing commas where the next line begins with...and
vigil.....no capital
Also I think.....a soft spotted fawn......the next line would sound better with an additional word e.g.: goes wandering by or just wandering by.........
The lines ....the hours creeping on
and
till soft comes the dawn.......don't rhyme so well
maybe consider changing to something like .....as the hours creep till morn
but as I say it sounds and reads pretty well the way it is, a few little tweeks and it would be that little bit better.
Mitchell
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
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Thanks for you feedback ... I appreciate hearing from you and honor your opinions! I have made some changes and am taking my time to think about some. Thanks again ... Blessings, Analie
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Thanks for letting me know you made changes
First review (FOUR stars)
This definitely accomplished your aim for reflecting the relationships and tender affection of grandparent and grandchild. It's sweet and whimsical. Lovely work. Good flow, tone, imagery and rhymes (fine assonant slant rhymes too).
Favorite parts:
we shall waltz through the stars,
paint meadows below.
and
We will listen to raindrops
wash the air clean -
and touch the light softly,
wrapped up in a dream.
The poem has a cohesive tone and tenor and flows fluidly. The only critique I have pertains to some of your punctuation choices and one line off scansion.
My suggestions:
There's a bird on the wing,
there's a bird in the nest,(;)
the wind, it is silenced
and gone off to rest.
A little red fox
'neath shimmering sky -
a soft spotted fawn
wandering by.
Take my hand gently -
I will lead you just so,(;)
we shall waltz through the stars,
paint meadows below.
O'er the oceans(,) we'll sail,
and skip the blue seas,(;)
we'll sweep the wide desert
and sing with the trees.
Forever(,) I'll hold you,
and sing you to sleep -
I'll kiss your sweet face,(no ,)
and give you all these.
We will listen to raindrops
wash the air clean -(no -)
and touch the light softly,
wrapped up in a dream.
Throughout the night, gently,
the hours creeping on -
Vigil(a vigil) I'm keeping,(added for syllable scansion--and no cap, too)
till soft comes the dawn(.)
I will tie up the day
with (bright) ribbons of blue, (added for syllable scansion)
and as day dances in,
I will give it to you.
For I love you(,) forever,(no ,)
and ever, I do.
My dear one, my sweet one,
I'll always love you.
With suggestions:
There's a bird on the wing,
there's a bird in the nest;
the wind, it is silenced
and gone off to rest.
A little red fox
'neath shimmering sky -
a soft spotted fawn
wandering by.
Take my hand gently -
I will lead you just so;
we shall waltz through the stars,
paint meadows below.
O'er the oceans, we'll sail,
and skip the blue seas;
we'll sweep the wide desert
and sing with the trees.
Forever, I'll hold you,
and sing you to sleep -
I'll kiss your sweet face
and give you all these.
We will listen to raindrops
wash the air clean
and touch the light softly,
wrapped up in a dream.
Throughout the night, gently,
the hours creeping on -
a vigil I'm keeping,
till soft comes the dawn.
I will tie up the day
with bright ribbons of blue,
and as day dances in,
I will give it to you.
For I love you, forever,
and ever, I do.
My dear one, my sweet one,
I'll always love you.
I am not a fan of reverse syntax, as it often can sound forced. But many readers find it poetic. I think it works fine in this poem, but, personally, I recommend revising this line:
a vigil I'm keeping,
to:
I'm keeping a vigil,
While I think the spag changes would enhance this, poetic permits breaking pucntuaiton rule and it sounds fine read aloud as is, but I am giving four stars because of the two scansion issues. Happy to upgrade if those are fixed. Hope you like the punctuation suggestions too!
Lovely work.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
|
Second review
Thanks for letting me know you made changes
First review (FOUR stars)
This definitely accomplished your aim for reflecting the relationships and tender affection of grandparent and grandchild. It's sweet and whimsical. Lovely work. Good flow, tone, imagery and rhymes (fine assonant slant rhymes too).
Favorite parts:
we shall waltz through the stars,
paint meadows below.
and
We will listen to raindrops
wash the air clean -
and touch the light softly,
wrapped up in a dream.
The poem has a cohesive tone and tenor and flows fluidly. The only critique I have pertains to some of your punctuation choices and one line off scansion.
My suggestions:
There's a bird on the wing,
there's a bird in the nest,(;)
the wind, it is silenced
and gone off to rest.
A little red fox
'neath shimmering sky -
a soft spotted fawn
wandering by.
Take my hand gently -
I will lead you just so,(;)
we shall waltz through the stars,
paint meadows below.
O'er the oceans(,) we'll sail,
and skip the blue seas,(;)
we'll sweep the wide desert
and sing with the trees.
Forever(,) I'll hold you,
and sing you to sleep -
I'll kiss your sweet face,(no ,)
and give you all these.
We will listen to raindrops
wash the air clean -(no -)
and touch the light softly,
wrapped up in a dream.
Throughout the night, gently,
the hours creeping on -
Vigil(a vigil) I'm keeping,(added for syllable scansion--and no cap, too)
till soft comes the dawn(.)
I will tie up the day
with (bright) ribbons of blue, (added for syllable scansion)
and as day dances in,
I will give it to you.
For I love you(,) forever,(no ,)
and ever, I do.
My dear one, my sweet one,
I'll always love you.
With suggestions:
There's a bird on the wing,
there's a bird in the nest;
the wind, it is silenced
and gone off to rest.
A little red fox
'neath shimmering sky -
a soft spotted fawn
wandering by.
Take my hand gently -
I will lead you just so;
we shall waltz through the stars,
paint meadows below.
O'er the oceans, we'll sail,
and skip the blue seas;
we'll sweep the wide desert
and sing with the trees.
Forever, I'll hold you,
and sing you to sleep -
I'll kiss your sweet face
and give you all these.
We will listen to raindrops
wash the air clean
and touch the light softly,
wrapped up in a dream.
Throughout the night, gently,
the hours creeping on -
a vigil I'm keeping,
till soft comes the dawn.
I will tie up the day
with bright ribbons of blue,
and as day dances in,
I will give it to you.
For I love you, forever,
and ever, I do.
My dear one, my sweet one,
I'll always love you.
I am not a fan of reverse syntax, as it often can sound forced. But many readers find it poetic. I think it works fine in this poem, but, personally, I recommend revising this line:
a vigil I'm keeping,
to:
I'm keeping a vigil,
While I think the spag changes would enhance this, poetic permits breaking pucntuaiton rule and it sounds fine read aloud as is, but I am giving four stars because of the two scansion issues. Happy to upgrade if those are fixed. Hope you like the punctuation suggestions too!
Lovely work.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
-
As always ... thank you for such a thorough and thoughtful review. I have made some changes and am taking my time thinking about some of your other suggestions. I appreciate your feedback!! Blessings, Analie
-
Thanks for your gracious response, Analie. Glad to be of help. Will upgrade. Blessings, rd
Comment from Possummagic
This is a lovely poem dedicated to a loved grandchild. I don't know that it could be improved in any way. It flows nicely and the rhymes are done well. Well written. PM
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
|
This is a lovely poem dedicated to a loved grandchild. I don't know that it could be improved in any way. It flows nicely and the rhymes are done well. Well written. PM
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
-
Thank you so much for this lovely review! Blessings, Analie
Comment from Lucian Carter
You have written something fanciful and whimsical that reflects the very special relationship of a grandchild and grandparent.
That's my honest criticism. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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You have written something fanciful and whimsical that reflects the very special relationship of a grandchild and grandparent.
That's my honest criticism. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Well, thank you! I am writing a poem for each of my grandchildren and I really want to give them each something worthy. This one is for the dear little girl in the picture. Thank you for your feedback!
Blessings, Analie
