Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Free at Last"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
8 total reviews
Comment from estory
This is a real horror story of what people can do to each other. No compassion from anyone here, the grim attitudes and selfishness of the people around this girl match the grim descriptions of the surroundings, the garbage blowing around in the streets, the spare cell, the rat is the only visitor. Complete abandonment, and when she gets to the half way house, she is sexually abused by a depraved man who is in charge. You have to wonder how someone can survive this. There is also a good deal of suspense, because we are left wondering what happens next. We are rooting for the heroine to someone come through it. There is some great descriptive writing here, and some crisp dialogue. It has a lot of potential, and I think this is the basis for a great novel of some kind. estory
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2017
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This is a real horror story of what people can do to each other. No compassion from anyone here, the grim attitudes and selfishness of the people around this girl match the grim descriptions of the surroundings, the garbage blowing around in the streets, the spare cell, the rat is the only visitor. Complete abandonment, and when she gets to the half way house, she is sexually abused by a depraved man who is in charge. You have to wonder how someone can survive this. There is also a good deal of suspense, because we are left wondering what happens next. We are rooting for the heroine to someone come through it. There is some great descriptive writing here, and some crisp dialogue. It has a lot of potential, and I think this is the basis for a great novel of some kind. estory
Comment Written 28-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much for your fantastic review and all of your encouraging words. It's wonderful reviews like yours that makes all the blood, sweat, and tears worthwhile.
Thank you again for your marvelous review, take care.
Comment from Mabaker
Oh, hell what at position to find yourself in. That is enough to send anybody mad. How those type can do things beats me they are so twisted and if she is lucky she'll find somewhere else fast. Regards Mabaker
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2017
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Oh, hell what at position to find yourself in. That is enough to send anybody mad. How those type can do things beats me they are so twisted and if she is lucky she'll find somewhere else fast. Regards Mabaker
Comment Written 27-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review. Throughout Katelyn's life, she seems to go from one bad situation to another, finding little relief in between. She's a strong woman, she'll do alright.
Thank you again for your fantastic review, take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
It's sad to think how many times a day or night this scenario is played over and over again. Beasts preying on the weak, pretending to have their best intentions in mind. Castrate the sick suckers! The last word being only a replacement for what I really wanted to say. If writing makes this reader mad, then it must be outstanding. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2017
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It's sad to think how many times a day or night this scenario is played over and over again. Beasts preying on the weak, pretending to have their best intentions in mind. Castrate the sick suckers! The last word being only a replacement for what I really wanted to say. If writing makes this reader mad, then it must be outstanding. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 27-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your kind review and continuous support. I blame a lot of the problems on the judicial system. Dumping convicts back into society, with no plan of action, no way to make it unless they go back to the life they know. Of course many like this pervert will never change.
Thanks again for such a nice review and encouraging words, take care.
Comment from Possummagic
I am enjoying your writing. I've been following this story for a while now. Poor Katelyn is really going through a jard time and to be finished with jail and placed in this horrid mans home is indicative of the terrible after care that people get when they've finished their term. It highlights the gaps especially for imprisonment AND coping with mental illness a mental illness too. And you're not alone, it happens in Australia too. Their confidence is at an all time low after coming out of jail and they have NO RIGHTS at all it's shocking. I hope things pick up for Katelyn. Great writing. PM
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2017
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I am enjoying your writing. I've been following this story for a while now. Poor Katelyn is really going through a jard time and to be finished with jail and placed in this horrid mans home is indicative of the terrible after care that people get when they've finished their term. It highlights the gaps especially for imprisonment AND coping with mental illness a mental illness too. And you're not alone, it happens in Australia too. Their confidence is at an all time low after coming out of jail and they have NO RIGHTS at all it's shocking. I hope things pick up for Katelyn. Great writing. PM
Comment Written 26-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your terrific review and your continuous support they both mean so much to me. You have been following this story from the beginning, hopefully, I'll keep your interest so you'll continue on. I didn't realize this is a worldwide epidemic. Learn something new every day. I believe that if there was more aftercare, plan of action after their release maybe there wouldn't be so many reaffenders. Many say they can't find work after being released so they go back doing what they know. Of course, that only applies to some, not all. I also believe if they close the gap, many won't fall through the cracks have to fend for themselves the best way they know how, back to a life of crime. That's just my opinion.
Thanks again for all your support, listening to me when I get on a soapbox, lol take care.
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You're very welcome. PM
Comment from apky
One thing you do much better than I ever can is pacing the story forward remarkably first: Katelyn is already getting out of prison? But I'm ahead of my time; let me read on.
It's a broken system, with no plausible solution in sight. ~ Yep, it always is and has been. The system only know how to waste taxpayers money on stupid undertakings.
I feel you should keep the following passage in the present tense too. Changing it to past sort of jars the reader:
Katelyn didn't return, despite the obvious need for medical assistance. When her actions became out of control, the warden ordered her to be housed in solitary confinement, until her release. Being enclosed in a cold, empty cell twenty-three hours a day only advanced her depleting mental status.
My, Misty, you do give your protagonist Katelyn a touch life. I felt so sorry for her and so angry at a wealthy system that lets its young citizens down so much. I really am into Katelyn and it was like she's a real person I know in flesh and blood.
I'd so hoped things will work out for her straightaway.
Wonderful story.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2017
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One thing you do much better than I ever can is pacing the story forward remarkably first: Katelyn is already getting out of prison? But I'm ahead of my time; let me read on.
It's a broken system, with no plausible solution in sight. ~ Yep, it always is and has been. The system only know how to waste taxpayers money on stupid undertakings.
I feel you should keep the following passage in the present tense too. Changing it to past sort of jars the reader:
Katelyn didn't return, despite the obvious need for medical assistance. When her actions became out of control, the warden ordered her to be housed in solitary confinement, until her release. Being enclosed in a cold, empty cell twenty-three hours a day only advanced her depleting mental status.
My, Misty, you do give your protagonist Katelyn a touch life. I felt so sorry for her and so angry at a wealthy system that lets its young citizens down so much. I really am into Katelyn and it was like she's a real person I know in flesh and blood.
I'd so hoped things will work out for her straightaway.
Wonderful story.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your great review and your wonderful comment. I did change the part you suggested to present tense. As far as pacing goes I always ask myself and then.... like I did when I was an eager child, wanting to know what happens next.
I'm so glad you can Identify with Katelyn, she's a very strong character. I know you might think I'm going bonkers when I say this, I promise you I'm not, but sometimes it's like she takes over, tells me what she wants to say, do. This happens with Rachel my Sergeant character too. Does that happen to you?
Thanks again for your great review, always helpful suggestions, and continue support, take care.
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It happens to me all the time, Misty. It happens to just about every creative writer. See what Roman and Shana are doing with me, for heaven's sake. These two should long have been in a bed, tangled and sweaty, or gone their separate ways for good... I mean this is supposed to be a hot romance story! See my latest review from a fellow Sunday Times bestseller author of hot (but I mean REALLY hot) BDSM - which isn't quite my preference in romance writing...
http://lisabetsarai.blogspot.com/2017/09/review-tuesday-golden-shana-by-p-von.html
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That's a terrific review, full of wonderful praises. For a professional reviewer to be interested enough to want to continue on with the serious says a lot about your writing ability, congratulations.
Comment from dozziegirl
This moved right along with lots of action. It kept my interest. Paragraphs were nice and short with dialog moving it alone. I also liked that you kept your tenses in order.
I like that we can get into her head. Perhaps you could slow the action down a little to build the depth of the character and give us a chance to know how she deals with the awful situations she encounters.
One question - how did the unknown children know her name was Katelyn?
Nice grammar. Good writing.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2017
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This moved right along with lots of action. It kept my interest. Paragraphs were nice and short with dialog moving it alone. I also liked that you kept your tenses in order.
I like that we can get into her head. Perhaps you could slow the action down a little to build the depth of the character and give us a chance to know how she deals with the awful situations she encounters.
One question - how did the unknown children know her name was Katelyn?
Nice grammar. Good writing.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your review and your suggestion. I'll work on slowing down the action down a little bit. To answer your question, the children were her classmates and that's how they knew her. Maybe I should make that clearer.
Thank you again for your nice review and your suggestion, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
There really are some major arseholes in this world.
to her declining mental status - maybe just state rather than status here.
Wanting to do what is best for their patient; her doctors refused to sign the proper forms. - comma rather than semi-colon here.
This can't possibly be the right place. She glanced at her card - slip into past tense here whereas it's mainly in present.
seem to worsen the further she travels - normally farther than physical distance.
"We have house rules you have to follow," he says, handing her a piece of paper he continues, "If you break any - the second piece of dialogue should start lower case as it is continuing dialogue where the previous hasn't been closed off.
"You'll love my man cave." He Smiles - smiles.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2017
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There really are some major arseholes in this world.
to her declining mental status - maybe just state rather than status here.
Wanting to do what is best for their patient; her doctors refused to sign the proper forms. - comma rather than semi-colon here.
This can't possibly be the right place. She glanced at her card - slip into past tense here whereas it's mainly in present.
seem to worsen the further she travels - normally farther than physical distance.
"We have house rules you have to follow," he says, handing her a piece of paper he continues, "If you break any - the second piece of dialogue should start lower case as it is continuing dialogue where the previous hasn't been closed off.
"You'll love my man cave." He Smiles - smiles.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your great review, and all of your helpful suggestions. I sometimes wonder if there aren't more arseholes than nice guys. Seems like it sometimes.
Thanks again for all your help and your support, take care.
Comment from hvysmker
"I called a halfway house; they said they'll take you, for a little while."
*** I though all prisons gave a person released clothing and a little money? I might be wrong, though.
She glanced at her card,
*** glances
Noticing a group of odd looking people sitting in the corner,
*** odd-looking
All that, and he gets paid, too? Just kidding. It looks like she's in trouble right after leaving prison. Depending on her time in solitary, I wonder if she's even learned how to survive from other prisoners.
A good one.
Charlie
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2017
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"I called a halfway house; they said they'll take you, for a little while."
*** I though all prisons gave a person released clothing and a little money? I might be wrong, though.
She glanced at her card,
*** glances
Noticing a group of odd looking people sitting in the corner,
*** odd-looking
All that, and he gets paid, too? Just kidding. It looks like she's in trouble right after leaving prison. Depending on her time in solitary, I wonder if she's even learned how to survive from other prisoners.
A good one.
Charlie
Comment Written 26-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your great review and your helpful suggestions. I'll research the clothes, money thing and let you know. Hope you're staying cool enough.
Thanks again for all your help and support, they're always appreciated, take care.
