Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Falling to Pieces"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
10 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This is one rough chapter for Katelyn. the highs and lows.
Just when they think they have it all figured out a problem arises and they have to start all over.- isn't that the truth... lol
She apologetically calls, saying they're overbooked - maybe move apologetically to either before or after saying.
so back logged - backlogged.
She then calls their caterer who informs her he'll be out of town that week, suggesting another business. Once this is settled and their dinner carefully planned, they discover John's parents are vegans. - this didn't really ring true for me. Surely this would have come up during booking the first caterer?
two cackling like a bunch of old hens - this analogy is a little off. Hens cluck rather than cackle.
she screams, stomping upstairs / Stomping back into his study - watch the repetition of descriptors. Stan could stride or march perhaps?
I have to say that I didn't have much time for Madeline - it isn't her wedding after all (that's why we planned ours ourselves and paid for it...lol)
basement apartment is long over due - overdue.
Good luck with that, he thinks, remembering how he struggled to get them undone. - lol
She unplugs her cell and quickly dials his number. - this is a continuity thing. She doesn't plug her phone in when she gets home and goes more or less straight to sleep then in the morning it's plugged in.
Grabbing clothes off the floor, she quickly throws them on. - same thing here. She jumped into bed fully clothed, thought about John and drifted off to sleep but in the morning her clothes are on the floor.
"You should've known better, Katelyn. Letting someone get close to you like that, all the empty promises and the hollow I love you's. John had you falling head over heels, didn't he? You should've realized he's only saying those things to get in your pants.- should have closing speech marks here.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
Hi there,
This is one rough chapter for Katelyn. the highs and lows.
Just when they think they have it all figured out a problem arises and they have to start all over.- isn't that the truth... lol
She apologetically calls, saying they're overbooked - maybe move apologetically to either before or after saying.
so back logged - backlogged.
She then calls their caterer who informs her he'll be out of town that week, suggesting another business. Once this is settled and their dinner carefully planned, they discover John's parents are vegans. - this didn't really ring true for me. Surely this would have come up during booking the first caterer?
two cackling like a bunch of old hens - this analogy is a little off. Hens cluck rather than cackle.
she screams, stomping upstairs / Stomping back into his study - watch the repetition of descriptors. Stan could stride or march perhaps?
I have to say that I didn't have much time for Madeline - it isn't her wedding after all (that's why we planned ours ourselves and paid for it...lol)
basement apartment is long over due - overdue.
Good luck with that, he thinks, remembering how he struggled to get them undone. - lol
She unplugs her cell and quickly dials his number. - this is a continuity thing. She doesn't plug her phone in when she gets home and goes more or less straight to sleep then in the morning it's plugged in.
Grabbing clothes off the floor, she quickly throws them on. - same thing here. She jumped into bed fully clothed, thought about John and drifted off to sleep but in the morning her clothes are on the floor.
"You should've known better, Katelyn. Letting someone get close to you like that, all the empty promises and the hollow I love you's. John had you falling head over heels, didn't he? You should've realized he's only saying those things to get in your pants.- should have closing speech marks here.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your fair and always helpful review I always appreciate your advice. I have Katelyn plugging in her phone instead of laying it down and she grabs clean clothes out of the closet instead of dirty ones on the floor, which is better for anyone that happens to be around her, lol.
I planned my own wedding everything would've been fine if the city hadn't decided to close the only road to the church. I got the bright idea to park the cars and hiked through the woods. Nature hiking in heels is no fun, lol.
Thanks again for your fair and honest review and helpful suggestions, congrats on your win, you deserve it, take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
One minute John was there, the next, he was gone. It's sort of like a bowl of cereal. LOL! Well, not exactly, losing someone who claimed to love you over night would come as quite a shock. Thanks for sharing. :-)
(add) [remove]
--Imagining his muscular arms wrap(ped) around her,...
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2017
One minute John was there, the next, he was gone. It's sort of like a bowl of cereal. LOL! Well, not exactly, losing someone who claimed to love you over night would come as quite a shock. Thanks for sharing. :-)
(add) [remove]
--Imagining his muscular arms wrap(ped) around her,...
Comment Written 03-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your nice review. The news was earth shattering for Katelyn. John is the only one she really knows, trusts. Her paranoia makes it hard for her to let anyone get close. If she felt they were getting too close she'd do something to push them away.
Thanks again for your great review, and continues support, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Oh, my! Who knows when she might see John again? He could be going somewhere faraway, and even if he wanted to, he would be told how impt it is NOT to contact anyone.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2017
Oh, my! Who knows when she might see John again? He could be going somewhere faraway, and even if he wanted to, he would be told how impt it is NOT to contact anyone.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2017
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Thanks for your great review. Katelyn was heartbroken over him having to leave. The one person who she completely trusted hurt her like everyone else has.
Thank you again for such a nice review and your continued support, take care.
Comment from apky
Oh, no, poor Katelyn. But now you pitched the story perfectly. I can't wait to read how it continues. Below are some suggestions.
Madeline finds that the printers are so backed up they haven't begun. ~ Do you say "backed up" in US English to mean "backlogged"?. Backed up to my British English means "assisted" or "supported".
Every once in a while an irrational(delete-ly) thought will creep into her head.
Mom will (delete-have a) come apart if she finds out that I'm just getting home.
"Love you, sweetheart," Madeline replies(replies to who? All Katelyn has done is pull the covers over herself), gently pulling her door to.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2017
Oh, no, poor Katelyn. But now you pitched the story perfectly. I can't wait to read how it continues. Below are some suggestions.
Madeline finds that the printers are so backed up they haven't begun. ~ Do you say "backed up" in US English to mean "backlogged"?. Backed up to my British English means "assisted" or "supported".
Every once in a while an irrational(delete-ly) thought will creep into her head.
Mom will (delete-have a) come apart if she finds out that I'm just getting home.
"Love you, sweetheart," Madeline replies(replies to who? All Katelyn has done is pull the covers over herself), gently pulling her door to.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your great review, I'm so glad you're enjoying the story. Katelyn had a difficult life, that's for sure. She wanted to write her story hoping to make changes so others wouldn't have to go through what she did.
Thanks again for all your help and support, take care.
Comment from smbau
You plotted and set the story well, it tells of a wedding gone all wrong, the main character attempt to keep the voices in her head in check, and a relationship separated with unavoidable circumstances. Finally, leaving us in suspense as we wonder what next. Great description of events and dialogue flow.
Optional suggestions
"She apologetically calls, saying they're overbooked, but can do it the next day." vs "Apologetically she called, saying they're overbooked, but could do it the next day."
Consider use of variety of transitional phrases for flavor like accordingly, consequently, moreover, nevertheless, in conclusion etc
"over due" vs "overdue"
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2017
You plotted and set the story well, it tells of a wedding gone all wrong, the main character attempt to keep the voices in her head in check, and a relationship separated with unavoidable circumstances. Finally, leaving us in suspense as we wonder what next. Great description of events and dialogue flow.
Optional suggestions
"She apologetically calls, saying they're overbooked, but can do it the next day." vs "Apologetically she called, saying they're overbooked, but could do it the next day."
Consider use of variety of transitional phrases for flavor like accordingly, consequently, moreover, nevertheless, in conclusion etc
"over due" vs "overdue"
Comment Written 02-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review and your encouraging words.
I have a question regarding your first suggestion, wouldn't that be past tense, mixing tenses? I have a hard time with this, that's why I ask.
I will consider using a variety, thanks for the suggestion and the one about over due?
Thank you again for your great review and your helpful suggestions, take care.
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Thank you and welcome. In response, I used past tense, however if present "Apologetically she calls, saying they're overbooked, but can do it the next day." ps: my suggestions are optional since there are many ways of expressing oneself in English.
Comment from Possummagic
I was almost crying by the end of this story. I was captivated all the way through. Great story line. Poor girl, it seems real and I feel sad for her. Have a lovely day. PM x
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2017
I was almost crying by the end of this story. I was captivated all the way through. Great story line. Poor girl, it seems real and I feel sad for her. Have a lovely day. PM x
Comment Written 02-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your kind review, I am so glad you enjoyed it, Katelyn didn't have it easy. Just when things start going her way, something seems to happen.
Thanks again for your great review, take care.
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You're welcome.PM
Comment from hvysmker
A secretary from the wedding chapel was the first to soil their plans. She apologetically calls, saying they're overbooked, but can do it the next day. Deciding to postpone their celebration until the following week, they start informing every one of these changes.
*** Somehow, that doesn't seem like "soiling" the plans. Maybe "spoiling"? And everyone is one word.
Madeline finds that the printers are so back up they haven't begun.
*** backed up
Stomping back in his study, he slams the door.
*** I think you meant "into"? Or maybe simply "to"?
All the furnishings in her room are antiques, from the vibrant three tiered vanity table to *** three-tiered
Mom will have a come apart if she finds out that I'm just getting home.
*** I'd drop the "have a"?
"Love you, sweetheart," Madeline replies, gently pulling her door too.
*** door to?
I promise you, Katelyn, that I'll come back for you, as soon as we get settled.
***How old is he? If eighteen, he'd have a choice. The FBI wouldn't force an adult into protective custody, only strongly suggest it. Remember John Gotti's nemesis, Sammy The Bull? He left it to go off on his own - and ended up back in prison.
I should think that if he really loved her and was an adult, at least in mind and manner, he'd have told them to go to hell and gone to see her before leaving, possibly asking her to go with him. Not say "Yes, Mommy" and leaving in the middle of the night. I'm certain the police would help in some sort of solution. Even let him call to inform her, if nothing else. Maybe he did call her folks while she was over at his house? Or drive him over to talk to her but she wasn't home?
Whatever, it looks like the fancy wedding is off.
Charlie
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
A secretary from the wedding chapel was the first to soil their plans. She apologetically calls, saying they're overbooked, but can do it the next day. Deciding to postpone their celebration until the following week, they start informing every one of these changes.
*** Somehow, that doesn't seem like "soiling" the plans. Maybe "spoiling"? And everyone is one word.
Madeline finds that the printers are so back up they haven't begun.
*** backed up
Stomping back in his study, he slams the door.
*** I think you meant "into"? Or maybe simply "to"?
All the furnishings in her room are antiques, from the vibrant three tiered vanity table to *** three-tiered
Mom will have a come apart if she finds out that I'm just getting home.
*** I'd drop the "have a"?
"Love you, sweetheart," Madeline replies, gently pulling her door too.
*** door to?
I promise you, Katelyn, that I'll come back for you, as soon as we get settled.
***How old is he? If eighteen, he'd have a choice. The FBI wouldn't force an adult into protective custody, only strongly suggest it. Remember John Gotti's nemesis, Sammy The Bull? He left it to go off on his own - and ended up back in prison.
I should think that if he really loved her and was an adult, at least in mind and manner, he'd have told them to go to hell and gone to see her before leaving, possibly asking her to go with him. Not say "Yes, Mommy" and leaving in the middle of the night. I'm certain the police would help in some sort of solution. Even let him call to inform her, if nothing else. Maybe he did call her folks while she was over at his house? Or drive him over to talk to her but she wasn't home?
Whatever, it looks like the fancy wedding is off.
Charlie
Comment Written 02-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your nice review and all your helpful suggestions.
After being completely confused, I chose every one because of the preposition of. evidently, that wasn't right so can you please explain it to me?
John didn't feel like he was given a choice. Remember I'm taken this from real life events, only the names are fictional.
Thanks again for your wonderful reviews, your help, and support, they mean a lot to me, take care.
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Sorry Misty. About the everyone, not being a college graduate, it just seems right to me as one word.
Sometimes I'm too logical. Even in my stories, I take one step at a time, building a sort of web of logic.
For instance, the current one about religion. I think what would a guy like Sammy do in such a situation. Then I carry on, using logic as much as possible.
He'd get help. What kind of help? Then what, taking each step as i comes.
If stuck, which I was occasionally, I'd look back and make changes that percolated down to solve the problem. Sometimes I forget that real life isn't always logical as in a story.
John, as an individual, might have been frightened of authority figures, also sort of leery of the big step of marriage. That might have made it easier to convince him to leave. He probably retained a thought of getting in touch later, after his family settled down.
Charlie
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The only college I had was nursing so I guess a lot.
Logic is good it lets you get inside the characters head, see things from their pov. I did that with a paranoid serial killer I made up. I didn't realize I was still in that mode when I went to the store. I'd questioned things I normally wouldn't think twice about. A suspicious act, a car at the side of the road, someone talking behind me. The world is very frightening from their pov.
I had another experience with a pendant, my friend thought we could use it to talk to her relatives. Well, a black something came in the room we threw the pendant in the fire. I was later told we were lucky we did. Never did that again.
Steven King's notebook would probably give me nightmares.
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Ha-ha-ha. My first long story, longer than a page or two, was about a psychopath that killed little girls to keep an imaginary aura from corrupting them. He'd kidnap and beat them until the aura left by way of shitting their pants. If they shit before death, they'd live. He'd keep beating them until he could smell the evil leave.
I was actually frightened that the FBI or someone would read it and arrest me for some unsolved crime. I held off posting it on a site for that reason.
Finally posting it to the administrators and asking their opinion, they thought me even asking funny and told me so. That I wasn't violating any laws in such a story.
Charlie
Comment from loismddavis
Your story seemed a little fantastical to me--a sad tale of someone with mental issues having so much bad luck that it exacerbates her mental problem --the voices that is. The FBI swooping in that way did seem a little unbelievable but I was interested enough to know what happens next.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
Your story seemed a little fantastical to me--a sad tale of someone with mental issues having so much bad luck that it exacerbates her mental problem --the voices that is. The FBI swooping in that way did seem a little unbelievable but I was interested enough to know what happens next.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your review. I'm sorry you didn't find it believable, glad that you want to find out what happens next. What do you think will more realistic? Maybe explain more about John and his family being in witness protection? What do you suggest?
Thanks again for your nice review and your interest, take care.
Comment from royowen
Fancy arriving at one's boyfriend's house and discovering that he'd disappeared with his parents, rather hurriedly it appears, and discovering a letter declaring his everlasting love, with the voices in her head rejuvinatin their mocking voices. (Schizophrenia?), it would be soul destroying. Nicely written prologue, presumably to a long term plot, well writte, sounds like an enthralling plot. With diverse characters, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : the memories of her and Joh(n)
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
Fancy arriving at one's boyfriend's house and discovering that he'd disappeared with his parents, rather hurriedly it appears, and discovering a letter declaring his everlasting love, with the voices in her head rejuvinatin their mocking voices. (Schizophrenia?), it would be soul destroying. Nicely written prologue, presumably to a long term plot, well writte, sounds like an enthralling plot. With diverse characters, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : the memories of her and Joh(n)
Comment Written 02-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your great review and your encouraging words, but it's not the prologue.
The prologue shows Katelyn at a young age, being hyperactive, out of control. She's diagnosed with ADHD put on meds. These meds didn't work so they did more tests found out she has Schizophrenia. The first chapter shows her and John meet, the second shows the couple older, he proposes to her. This is third, I put it as forth but after giving you an update I realized I can't count, lol. Now it's third the way it should be.
Thanks again for your great review, and helping me find my mistakes take care.
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Most welcome
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks the reality, much stranger than fiction, when something goes against, bad news starts cropping and popping up from every corners, but true love topples all, how to forget John; I liked.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
This speaks the reality, much stranger than fiction, when something goes against, bad news starts cropping and popping up from every corners, but true love topples all, how to forget John; I liked.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your nice review, I am glad you liked it. Poor Katelyn and John are heartbroken but I'd rather have them upset than John and his family in the grave.
Thank you again for your wonderful review and continues support, take care.