Joan Of Arc
The Maid Of Orleans5 total reviews
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Writer.
I think "She now was lo[d]ging ..." is lodging not logging.
"through her trial. I[n] could ..." doesn't need the n.
I've always enjoyed the story of Joan of Arc. You have portrayed her beautifully and with compassion. Good luck. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
Hi Writer.
I think "She now was lo[d]ging ..." is lodging not logging.
"through her trial. I[n] could ..." doesn't need the n.
I've always enjoyed the story of Joan of Arc. You have portrayed her beautifully and with compassion. Good luck. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
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thank you so much for the heads up was with out my computer until today so couldn't answer sooner
Comment from emptypage
"I met her when our parents moved in next store to her father."--- LOL. I think you mean, NEXT DOOR. As in, two doors down. Next door neighbor. Right??
"...she was right their (THERE) working along side (ALONGSIDE) of (<
"...down.She said,"her men were hurt more then she," --Okay. You need a space between "down" and "She said." Use THAN instead of THEN. Than is used to compare. Then refers to a time.
You skip in the setting. For most of the time you write as though you and she (Joan) are buddies, or were, but then near the end you jump to saying she was made a saint 500 years later. If you are alive and friends with Joan, how did you live to know she was made a saint 500 years later? Leave that for the author's notes.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
"I met her when our parents moved in next store to her father."--- LOL. I think you mean, NEXT DOOR. As in, two doors down. Next door neighbor. Right??
"...she was right their (THERE) working along side (ALONGSIDE) of (<
"...down.She said,"her men were hurt more then she," --Okay. You need a space between "down" and "She said." Use THAN instead of THEN. Than is used to compare. Then refers to a time.
You skip in the setting. For most of the time you write as though you and she (Joan) are buddies, or were, but then near the end you jump to saying she was made a saint 500 years later. If you are alive and friends with Joan, how did you live to know she was made a saint 500 years later? Leave that for the author's notes.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
-
thank you for the heads up
Comment from Curly Girly
Hi, I enjoyed reading your story.
I have a few suggestions for you:
I met her when our parents moved in next store
I met her when our parents moved in next DOOR
Willing to help caring for the sick and lame. She even cared for me as I was sickly growing up.
Willing to help CARE for the sick and lame[,] she even cared for me too, as I was sickly growing up.
She told my mother in whose house she now was logging
She told my mother in whose house she now was LODGING
get her down.She said,"her men were hurt more then she,"
get her down. She said, "MY men ARE hurt more THAN ME,"
death she endured.
(leave a blank line--it's the start of a new paragraph)
She still remains a popular figure
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
Hi, I enjoyed reading your story.
I have a few suggestions for you:
I met her when our parents moved in next store
I met her when our parents moved in next DOOR
Willing to help caring for the sick and lame. She even cared for me as I was sickly growing up.
Willing to help CARE for the sick and lame[,] she even cared for me too, as I was sickly growing up.
She told my mother in whose house she now was logging
She told my mother in whose house she now was LODGING
get her down.She said,"her men were hurt more then she,"
get her down. She said, "MY men ARE hurt more THAN ME,"
death she endured.
(leave a blank line--it's the start of a new paragraph)
She still remains a popular figure
Best wishes.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
-
thank you so much for the heads up was with out a computer for a few days
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You might want to recheck your word count on this one. the competition calls for a minimum of 700 words and yours comes in at 693. Shouldn't be too difficult to reach though given you are so close.
The piece is a little disjointed and feels like two separate entities.
A few things I noticed on reading through-
brave and battle along side her - alongside.
All the time I had known her I never known her to swear - I'd never known her to swear.
she was right their working along side - there / alongside.
She said," She was put here on earth for a purpose and she would not die in her quest." - this shouldn't be in speech marks. it is not direct speech. If it was direct speech it would read "I was put here on earth for a purpose and I will not in my quest."
whose house she now was logging she must - lodging.
said goodbye to her as she rode away to join her troops - what troops? the story just jumps here from the girl next door to someone in charge of an army.
She said,"her men were hurt more then she," - same thing as before about direct speech/quotations.
She fought along side of her men - alongside.
I was sad when they said she was captured a year latter - later.
through her trial Incould not believe - insert a full stop after trial and should be I could not.
I will always rember the good times - remember.
since the time if her death - of her death.
She still remains a popular figure after all these years, in literature, paintings,sculptures and other cultural worlds since the time if her death. - from this section on the piece becomes disjointed. it isn't part of the same narrative as what has gone on before. The narrator couldn't possibly know of these things.
every forget the poetrayal she played - portrayal.
a different out come for her - outcome.
Why did they deamand she had to be burnt at the stake? - demand.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
Hi there,
You might want to recheck your word count on this one. the competition calls for a minimum of 700 words and yours comes in at 693. Shouldn't be too difficult to reach though given you are so close.
The piece is a little disjointed and feels like two separate entities.
A few things I noticed on reading through-
brave and battle along side her - alongside.
All the time I had known her I never known her to swear - I'd never known her to swear.
she was right their working along side - there / alongside.
She said," She was put here on earth for a purpose and she would not die in her quest." - this shouldn't be in speech marks. it is not direct speech. If it was direct speech it would read "I was put here on earth for a purpose and I will not in my quest."
whose house she now was logging she must - lodging.
said goodbye to her as she rode away to join her troops - what troops? the story just jumps here from the girl next door to someone in charge of an army.
She said,"her men were hurt more then she," - same thing as before about direct speech/quotations.
She fought along side of her men - alongside.
I was sad when they said she was captured a year latter - later.
through her trial Incould not believe - insert a full stop after trial and should be I could not.
I will always rember the good times - remember.
since the time if her death - of her death.
She still remains a popular figure after all these years, in literature, paintings,sculptures and other cultural worlds since the time if her death. - from this section on the piece becomes disjointed. it isn't part of the same narrative as what has gone on before. The narrator couldn't possibly know of these things.
every forget the poetrayal she played - portrayal.
a different out come for her - outcome.
Why did they deamand she had to be burnt at the stake? - demand.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
-
thank you so much for the heads up sorry I didn't get back sooner I was with out my computer for a few days
Comment from apky
a great tribute to Joan of Arc. You need to check more on your spelling and tenses.
She said it was (because?) she feared no man or beast.
All the time I had known her I(I've) never known her to swear, she loved animals and attended church, I even loaned her money to show her love for her God.
I said goodbye to her as she rode away to join her troops.(space) (W)when she was injured she never let it get her down.(space)She said,(space)"her men were hurt more then she,"
I will always re(me)mber the good times we had growing up and enjoying our youthful years.
She still remains a popular figure after all these years, in literature, paintings,(sapce)sculptures and other cultural worlds since the time if her death.
She was canonized as a Roman Catholic Saint 500 years later on May 16th(space)1920.
Why did they de(delete-a)mand she had to be burnt at the stake?
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
a great tribute to Joan of Arc. You need to check more on your spelling and tenses.
She said it was (because?) she feared no man or beast.
All the time I had known her I(I've) never known her to swear, she loved animals and attended church, I even loaned her money to show her love for her God.
I said goodbye to her as she rode away to join her troops.(space) (W)when she was injured she never let it get her down.(space)She said,(space)"her men were hurt more then she,"
I will always re(me)mber the good times we had growing up and enjoying our youthful years.
She still remains a popular figure after all these years, in literature, paintings,(sapce)sculptures and other cultural worlds since the time if her death.
She was canonized as a Roman Catholic Saint 500 years later on May 16th(space)1920.
Why did they de(delete-a)mand she had to be burnt at the stake?
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
-
thank you for the kind heads up I had no computer for a few days to get back to make corrections so thank you for the support of my writing it means a lot to me.